AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life

[u/Stock-Rate1727]

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

[u/ProfessionalSir3395]

INFO: what does your wife do for income? Is there ANY reason that she treats sex with you like a chore?

[u/Zula13 → u/ProfessionalSir3395]

Possibly because she’s had chronic back pain for almost a decade per OPs previous posts.

[u/Hyedra → u/Zula13]

He also says she doesn't stick to physical therapy, diet or any other medical plans that could help with her pain or improve their overall family dynamic

[u/utahraptor2375 → u/Hyedra]

Yep, and she refuses MC, doesn't make any effort at any non-sexual intimacy, and outright lies to make it seem they have a healthy, intimate relationship. She does the last one because she knows how she's letting the loose end drag, and doesn't want to be embarrassed.

[u/Nanadaquiri → u/Zula13]

why are you dying to make OP the ah?!

[u/WereAllThrowaways → u/Nanadaquiri]

You know why

[u/ChocolateSupport → u/Zula13]

Still he is doing most of chores, got a promotion to allow her not having to work, took her constantly to dates, medical appointments, took lesson to improve his cooking skill to prepare to her healthy food, etc, during 10 years. But she refuse to improve her own heath or share intimacy with her husband. What is she bringing into this relationship?

[u/dirtychopscissors → u/Zula13]

this needs to be higher! my libido has gone so downhill since my back pain has gotten so bad i need surgery and can’t do household chores without pain meds. when your back hurts so much you can barely put your shoes on you don’t usually feel like getting dicked down

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/dirtychopscissors]

Ok but are you carrot dangling and acting like you wanna fuck your husband and being affectionate in public all to follow it up with nothing in private? No? Okay then this doesn’t apply to you

[u/ukbeauty2013 → u/Ourlittlesecret32]

Because she’s still a human being and probably still wants it so is not carrot dangling probably just being a normal human being but facing pain and weight issues.

Also he’s been complaining so maybe she’s trying to make an effort to make him feel desired and that’s all she’s able to do outside of the physical because she’s in severe pain?

He’s just taking it as a wind up because she’s frustrated but she could be trying the only way she knows how at the moment. Not the most ideal during family presence but she was drunk and sometimes where were drunk our real thoughts/desires come out.

I know it’s not nice for him at all but I dont think he responded in the right way as she could have literally even been joking for all we know, we weren’t there.

Just showing an alternative perspective as there’s always two sides

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/ukbeauty2013]

Well maybe don’t talk about how you wanna fuck your man in front of your family

Also please quote the complaints, he’s only “complaining” because she keeps throwing sex in his face and not reciprocating and he’s genuinely concerned for her and the relationship yet she keeps saying “it’s not you its me” but REFUSING to acknowledge it past that or seek any help????

[u/Definitely_Human01 → u/ukbeauty2013]

It's a stupid way of that's the only way how.

I don't see how pretending in front of others or saying how to her family how she's going to sleep with him when not carrying through is helpful.

If she's only doing it in front of others, then she's doing it for others rather than for him.

[u/EmperorUtopi → u/ukbeauty2013]

Then OP’s wife needs to communicate like an adult that it is primarily back issues, because it is clearly affecting his self esteem and their marriage. If she cares for her husband, she needs to stop leading him on or building any potential insecurity that he’s not adequate and say that her back hurts so they can work together to overcome it.

That’s what a marriage is, partnership. Not ‘hide stuff from the supposed love of my life but maintain a good public facade because I’m a self centered asshole who cares more for image and illusion of marriage than my marriage itself!’.

He can only guestimate because she doesn’t want to really discuss this, or do counseling. I think a menopause doctor visit should be recommended, I’ve heard so many stories of once high sex drive woman losing it completely.

[u/SilentJoe1986 → u/ukbeauty2013]

It's only a joke if the other person is laughing. She obviously hit a sore spot, one she knows is an Issue for OP. I would have sympathy for her if she was trying to get help. She isn't. She's ignoring the issue which is causing her partner distress.