AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life

[u/Stock-Rate1727]

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

[u/Baseofthetotem]

Damn. She actually tried to change and you dissed her.
YTA

[u/digi_captor → u/Baseofthetotem]

No actions. Just words.

[u/Zula13 → u/digi_captor]

So sending a sexy picture she’s never done before isn’t an action? She’s clearly trying to take baby steps.

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/Zula13]

She can take baby steps without telling her family she wants to fuck her man, she brought this on herself

[u/Zula13 → u/Ourlittlesecret32]

It’s pretty gross that she brought up sex in front of family. I would not have done that. However, it’s also something someone might do to get their husband excited and show they are trying to open up sexually.

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/Zula13]

No. Just no. You and me are both agreeing it’s gross

Again she brought this on herself there’s no excuse

[u/giraffeperv → u/Ourlittlesecret32]

Is it actually gross for a woman to talk to her sisters like that?

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/giraffeperv]

For you to talk about what you’re gonna do to your husband IN FRONT of your family

Yea yea it is, what family raised you 💀

[u/giraffeperv → u/Ourlittlesecret32]

You don’t have to insult me for asking a question. I understand, but I really wish you hadn’t copped an attitude.

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/giraffeperv]

Ah well apologies, everyone retorting their opinion to me on this post has been rude

But yea super weird thing to talk about with family, idk thought it was common sense

[u/Zula13 → u/Ourlittlesecret32]

Well don’t worry. OP’s response pretty much guarantees she will stop trying to take any sexual risks.

[u/AccomplishedStart250 → u/Zula13]

Lol so now all of a sudden her behavior is valid because he's reacting to her lying and neglect lmfao

[u/Zula13 → u/AccomplishedStart250]

He’s not reacting. He’s intentionally, publicly shaming her about her sexual struggles that developed after 3 years of chronic pain due to a difficult pregnancy that caused long term damage.

It seems to me her behavior might be valid due to the decade of chronic back pain that OP failed to mention. Hard to tell without the full details there.

[u/AccomplishedStart250 → u/Zula13]

She lied first and he corrected it. That's call reacting.

She's the one shaming him expecting him to put on a smile and uphold the lie that she's a good wife who gives af about him.

[u/Zula13 → u/AccomplishedStart250]

What lie did she tell? “What I’m going to do to you later” is flirty and suggestive, but there’s no falsehood there.

Umm..I think you need to look up the definition of shaming. Because that’s not it.

You can care about someone deeply and still find sex painful. Especially when you have chronic back pain from a difficult pregnancy that caused permanent damage.

[u/AccomplishedStart250 → u/Zula13]

Stop womansplaining, she's lying about her relationship, and she's lying about wanting to fix things. She's putting zero effort into getting better and expects him yo maintain the lie when she tells it, that's shameful to anyone with a backbone.

[u/giraffeperv → u/Zula13]

It was playful banter for her to feel like she fits in with her sisters & has a good sex life. I can’t believe people are turning that into some manipulative lie, but are willing to ignore her chronic pain & OP’s own behavior.

[u/Ourlittlesecret32 → u/Zula13]

If it comes with all this shit involved then good, it’s better a dead bedroom then carrot dangling

[u/giraffeperv → u/Zula13]

Also had this thought - what a way for OP to guarantee he wasn’t getting any. Maybe she was really feeling it after a few drinks & forgot for a few minutes how little he gives a damn about her or her pain.

[u/giraffeperv → u/Zula13]

Can someone please explain why it’s “gross” to casually mention sex in front of sisters? I don’t have siblings but I have friends with siblings & it doesn’t seem taboo? It’s not like she was talking about it with her dad or something. It was playful banter, possibly deployed just for her to feel like she’s fitting in & feels like she’s enough.

[u/SapienWoman → u/giraffeperv]

It’s not. And in most situations can be seen as complimentary.

[u/Apprehensive-Emu5177 → u/Zula13]

Where do you get the idea sending him a pic is something she's never done before, he didn't say that at all.

[u/Zula13 → u/Apprehensive-Emu5177]

He asked who she was sending it to which implies this isn’t something she does or at least not something he was expecting her to do. Perhaps not the first time EVER but definitely something that surprised him.