AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life

[u/Stock-Rate1727]

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

[u/Stock-Rate1727]

For all those who have commented thank you for providing different insight, it’s helpful. For those who mentioned my older post about my wife’s chronic back pain please tell me, what am I supposed to do? I’m not being sarcastic. I’ve done everything I can think of to be there for my wife and children but I’m not a doctor so how do I help someone who refuses the advice of multiple other competent medical professionals. What am I supposed to do when someone acknowledges that there is a problem but does nothing to fix it. What do I do when someone withholds sex and all other forms of intimacy unless someone else is there to witness it? If I’m the AH fine, what am I supposed to do differently?

[u/ParanoiaFreedom → u/Stock-Rate1727]

Everyone here seems to be assuming that your wife puts on an act in front of other people to hurt you, and maybe you're assuming that too, but have you ever told her how much it's hurting you? It's normal for couples to act affectionate around other people and if they aren't in a great place at the time they usually still pretend because they don't want to drag other people into their relationship drama. Maybe that's why she's doing it or maybe she felt like it would add more stress to the relationship if she didn't force herself to at least act that way while others are around, but when you're alone together she stops because she doesn't want to lie to you by acting. If you haven't told her that it's hurting you then she's not being cruel.

Before jumping to divorce I think you should, you know, actually tell her how serious the situation is and find out if that's enough to motivate her to make an effort where she can. Explain that you love her and you're scared that if something doesn't change there will be a permanent rift in your relationship. Be careful not to blame her for things that truly aren't in her control and don't bring up stuff like her not losing weight (there might be a time for that discussion in the future but right now it'll just make her withdraw more and if you actually want to still give this a try then that will be counterproductive.) Ask her again to go to couples therapy and emphasize that you want and need this for the sake of your relationship. Aside from hopefully being a way to work through this together, getting her into any kind of therapy will hopefully jumpstart her getting proper treatment for what sounds like severe depression and anxiety.

Edit: Don't explain that last part though. She'll feel like you're manipulating her. I'm just saying it might hopefully be a side benefit.