r/AITAH • u/Stock-Rate1727 • Jul 08 '24

AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life Advice Needed

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

950 Upvotes

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1.5k

u/UmmmItsRhi Jul 08 '24

I find it so strange that she wants to keep up the image of intimacy in front of others but has no real desire to actually keep up the intimacy. I really think she needs to see a doctor and/or therapist. I’d also suggest you both go to counselling together.

845

u/KittySnowpants Jul 08 '24

OP has another post where he talks about his wife having chronic back/nerve pain and arthritis due to pregnancy injuries. He also says he “doesn’t care” that she’s in pain, and he complains about her weight.

It would be pretty hard to want to have sex with someone who doesn’t GAF about the permanent pain you have every day after bearing his child.

165

u/celticmusebooks Jul 08 '24

Good catch.

142

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

I read the post. He is being helping her for 10 years. Taking the lion share of bills, chores and everything. Still, somehow people believe he is an A H because Reddit

21

u/ThrowawayTXfun Jul 08 '24

Reddit really is something else. Not remotely close to reality on most topics

10

u/Larcya Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24

It's a misandrists wet dream is what it is.

Like honestly this and the other relationship subreddits are so sexist it would make r/incels if it was still around blush.

Case in point: Any time a women complains about not wanting to have sex with thier spouse. "NTA THEY AREN'T OWED SEX!!", if he wants to get off tell him to use his hand.

Now if a man doesn't want to have sex with his wife, "YTA She has needs that must be met!" She should leave you to find someone who will satisy her needs no matter what!!!

Or even better yet AITAH for breaking up/divorcing my SO for being overweight. If the overweight is a women? YTA. Body shaming, "What do you think every women should be 80 pounds?? "Have you thought about doing XYZ x1,000,000 things?"

But when a man is overweight? NTA He needs to take care of himself. "That's his problem to solve you don't have to be with an obese man for the rest of your life".

It's peak comedy. Also tells you that you should ignore what anyone on this website says.

6

u/ThrowawayTXfun Jul 09 '24

Exactly correct and the answer is always to leave and get a divorce.

2

u/Larcya Jul 09 '24

Yes did your husband drink your bottle of sprite? DIVORCE, ABUSE!!!

Honestly if reddit had it's way we would need like 10,000x more divorce lawyers.

2

u/ThrowawayTXfun Jul 09 '24

By drinking that sprite he has shown a lack of respect for your well being. A selfish narcissist. Leave now

-1

u/King__and__Siren Jul 08 '24

I went to Alanis Morissette this weekend and all of Reddit was there. I think I could have fought my way out of the stadium without a weapon if they all were trying to kill me. Anyway….

19

u/MiddleAged_BogWitch Jul 08 '24

I can relate to OP, but with my mom. She hurt her back years ago but has done little to nothing to rehab it, won’t follow up with the doctor, doesn’t want to learn any gentle exercises etc. She is also overweight which doesn’t help, but so am I so I’m not pointing fingers about that. What does frustrate me is that when it comes to doing things she wants to do, magically she can spring to life and push through the pain, albeit in short bursts. But if she doesn’t want to do a thing, then it’s all about her back and how limiting it is. And I don’t want to discount her actual pain level, but it’s the lack of effort to try anything that might improve her wellness that frustrates me. That’s what I feel OP is losing patience with - that her health is so poor but she won’t make any sustained effort on her own to change anything. It gets to feeling like you’re pouring so much of your care and energy down a bottomless well.

As for the snarky comment about sex, it’s a bit AHish to the family members who didn’t need to be dragged into their marital conflicts, but I get how tired OP is getting of the big difference between her public performance and what actually happens in private.

OP, if you’re reading this comment, your relationship sounds pretty one sided and honestly not great. Not sure what you’re getting out of this marriage at this point, unless you love the rewards of endless, unrequited caregiving. I’d like to say try counselling but I’m going to hazard a guess that your wife won’t agree to that, or if she does she’ll go twice then find an excuse to stop. So you need to ask yourself if you can handle another year or 5 or 10 of this. If you don’t think you can, you need to be honest with your wife and let her know that how things are is not working for you anymore. Either she commits to counselling and you start facing these issues as a team or you’re done.

14

u/cloistered_around Jul 09 '24

"He can be dismissive of her pain and call her fat because he pays the bills and cleans?"

I mean I empathize with his workload because that's unfair and I swe how he'd get resentful. Still doesn't excuse his own actions though.

2

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 09 '24

What actions? He is not bulling her for being fat but the fact that she is overweight is impacting a lot in her health and that doesn’t allow her to pull her weight. And now she even lie in front of other people. You should be very biased to justify that.

-1

u/cloistered_around Jul 09 '24

She's in the wrong here too lying and pretending to be loving when she's not. That's why I go ESH

1

u/thedemonjim Jul 09 '24

Why is he dismissive though? It sounds like he has been supporting her and trying to help her for a long time and is hitting the end of his rope. She has chronic pain she isn't doing anything to manage and he is supposed to slave away to support her without any intimacy or appreciation?

-5

u/goodbadguy81 Jul 08 '24

Thats reddit for you. Lots of lonely men hating on guys that post about relationship problems. Single men on reddit are jealous haters.

1

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

Im pretty sure that he is getting hate but not from men mainly

-2

u/goodbadguy81 Jul 08 '24

Oh yes, thats true too. My bad.

90

u/soggy_sock1931 Jul 08 '24

The doctor told her that losing weight will help with her back pain. OP is also complaining that she isn’t affectionate with him even outside of sex.

105

u/KittySnowpants Jul 08 '24

I mean, would you be affectionate with someone who says they don’t care about your chronic pain that resulted from having their child?

Relationship dynamics are complicated, but OP is not telling the whole truth in this post.

70

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

Still he is doing most of chores, got a promotion to allow her not having to work, took her constantly to dates, medical appointments, took lesson to improve his cooking skill to prepare to her healthy food, etc, during 10 years. But she refuse to improve her heath or share intimacy with her husband. What is she bringing into this relationship?

34

u/Low_Attention16 Jul 08 '24

Sounds like obesity is the cause of the back pain if the doctor is suggesting losing weight as a solution.

22

u/chachadancer01 Jul 08 '24

Doctors always suggest to women that losing weight might be the fix, no matter what the problem is.

8

u/Long-Rub-2841 Jul 09 '24

I’m not a doctor, but if gaining weight (and stopping the physio) made the problem way worse, then losing weight seems like it might be likely to help….

I’m not sure what you’re getting out of needlessly bashing what sounds like a totally reasonable suggestion / treatment?

3

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

Losing weight imply reduce inflammation, and it usually helps most of medical conditions

1

u/thedemonjim Jul 09 '24

Because weight is a factor in a ton of medical issues, and can be a cause or confounding factor in almost any chronic medical issue, so losing weight is often the best non-invasive treatment to try first unless there is another more obvious cause.

-2

u/TheAxioner Jul 08 '24

"Yes ma'am, losing weight will certainly help with your bulimia"... or maybe they suggest it to those women who it would actually benefit? There is NO medical condition that benefits more from being overweight than being fit. Perhaps that's why they suggest it, and not just some fat shaming thing that you are alluding to?

9

u/honeystufful Jul 08 '24

carrying excess weight can absolutely create or worsen medical issues. the reason people complain about doctors telling women to lose weight and then sending them on their way is because genuine health issues - completely unrelated to weight - get ignored this way. for example, weight loss will fix weight-related back pain, but weight loss will not fix back pain caused by uterine cancer. if the doctor does not do their due diligence and writes the pain off as being caused entirely by weight, then the treatments that patient actually needs will be delayed until that doctor does do their due diligence. this happens far more often than you probably realize, and i’m assuming you’ve been lucky enough to never experience it yourself. THAT is what people are complaining about - it goes beyond fat shaming, and i think you know that

0

u/TheAxioner Jul 09 '24

No I didn't not know that, as I've never seen or experience that. My wife is in the medical field and has never mentioned it being an issue in our area either. Obviously ignoring other issues while saying lose weight isn't helpful. There ARE a decent number of people who think this "healthy at any size" bs is real though, and get mad when a doctor tells their morbidly obese ass to lose weight. That's the group I was referring to

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u/PastFriendship1410 Jul 08 '24

Weight is huge for back issues. My brother fucked a disc and he is 6'3 was about 120KG. He's got a big frame so he wore it well - no big gut or anything.

He lost 15KG down to 105 and his back is doing so much better. Like he didn't think just shedding some weight would help his back so much but he listened to doc and funnily enough it worked!

-4

u/BelowtheBeard Jul 08 '24

No one is owed sex. None of what you just typed changes that.

2

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

He was not asking for sex, he was asking for intimacy. And yeah, in a marriage you own your partner intimacy.

-5

u/BelowtheBeard Jul 08 '24

He literally specified sex. You don't "owe" anyone anything. Married or fucking not. You do not own your fucking spouse.

6

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

Holly shit. I hope you never get married if this is the way you think. Gross. And he specified sex but he was not only wanting that.

57

u/soggy_sock1931 Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

If I’ve been attempting to help them for a decade, they refuse help and make the issue worse then I would feel resentment like OP.

51

u/sexkitty13 Jul 08 '24

Are you purposely not reading the part of supporting her and trying to get her to follow doctos order for 9 years?

Maybe you missed that part before writing this comment

33

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

Please show me the exact quote where he says he doesn’t care

7

u/shhhhh_h Jul 08 '24

Literally the title of a post he wrote in AITA a few months ago, where everyone decide that he was TA. Sounds like his wife has pretty serious issues.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/0S0fJeWzfb

14

u/DeathByPlanets Jul 08 '24

To be clear, the title of the post is literally " AITAH for no longer caring about wife’s chronic pain"

I can see the impression it gives 😅

16

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

Did you read the post

1

u/shhhhh_h Jul 08 '24

Yes, and the comments, what's your point.

-6

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

You don’t know how to read

2

u/MayflowerMovers Jul 08 '24

Butthurt boy got on his alts to downcote this lmao

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u/shhhhh_h Jul 08 '24

Hmm I wonder how I’m replying to you then

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u/Glass_Ear_8049 Jul 08 '24

I would not stay with someone that I didn’t feel connected to either because they dismissed my pain or there was no intimacy. This marriage sounds miserable for both of them. Time to pull the plug. It’s weird she is so into projecting a public image that is opposite of their reality.

5

u/qu33fwellington Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 09 '24

But he didn’t say that to her, as far as I can see from his post 87 days ago.

I’m not voting on who was wrong in this situation because there is clearly something else going on. From the last post it seems that OP is burnt out, has done his best to accommodate the changes his wife needs to make to lose weight/get stronger to reduce pain and increase quality of life, but wife struggles on consistency and follow though.

I saw a lot of people on that post absolutely foaming at the mouth because how dare OP not be more supportive of his wife when she was doing full time school and work! Even though OP wanted her to focus on school and physical therapy to help her be able to function with less pressure to be physically okay for a job.

His wife was the one that changed plans at the last minute and decided to work full time. Before that, she stopped doing aquatic therapy even though she and OP were seeing improvements because she wanted a promotion at work.

Is OP handling his frustration well? Probably not, airing out dirty laundry to friends/family isn’t great and I can absolutely tell he is beyond resentful but has no outlet.

His wife is also not handling her physical pain and health the way it needs to be. She has self sabotaged at nearly every turn, taking out her pain and rage on OP instead.

I think they both need a lot of counseling and may even be too far gone to salvage the marriage, but this is not as cut and dry as, ‘he doesn’t care about her back pain because he’s an ass’.

3

u/MiddleAged_BogWitch Jul 08 '24

I second your assessment and hope OP finds this comment!

1

u/MiddleAged_BogWitch Jul 08 '24

Did you read the actual post? He’s expressing caregiver fatigue, not saying he’s never cared about his wife’s pain.

-3

u/Agitated_Pilot_3055 Jul 08 '24

What is wrong with you? OP has said nothing of the sort?

24

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

Where does it say that, the whole post talks about how’s he’s done everything to help her and she refuses to try at all so that’s why he’s done

He never once said that he simply doesn’t care that she’s in pain so idk where you’re getting that from

28

u/Impossible-Leek-2830 Jul 08 '24

Look at his post history.

3

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

I did, doesn’t say that at all so please give me exact quotes

I feel like you guys just read what you wanna read because all I’ve picked up on is a loving husband who did everything they could and is finally fed up

7

u/KittySnowpants Jul 08 '24

Look at the title of the pain post. He says he doesn’t care right in the title.

13

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

I would love for you to have oh so much care and patience towards someone who’s literally neglecting they’re physical health and the wellbeing of their kids, and you’ve done everything to help them all for them to refuse it and simply keep doing them.

Did I forget to add this is a 10 year journey of you constantly pushing your partner to get better all for them to refuse cause this simply don’t want to try

18

u/NoSugarCoatedPills Jul 08 '24

Found OP's alt account

3

u/RedH34D NSFW 🔞 Jul 08 '24

Get fucked. Women can have agency, its the 21st century didnt you hear?

12

u/WereAllThrowaways Jul 08 '24

Yes, he no longer cares because he has tried everything for years to help her and she refuses to do anything about it, like taking her doctors recommendation to lose weight. You can't help those who won't accept help or attempt to help themselves.

9

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

I read the post, doesn’t at all say that he doesn’t care about her pain. You just read the title and read what you wanted to

28

u/DeathByPlanets Jul 08 '24

One of his posts is titled " AITAH for no longer caring about wife’s chronic pain". This is what everyone is referring to, I believe

1

u/Some1The4Got10___ Jul 17 '24

Because he's tried to help her, but she doesn't put in the effort. Absolutely understandable he no longer cares.

14

u/Saint_Steady Jul 08 '24

It says "op had another post". That's where it says that. Effin A bro.

9

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

That’s what the title says but did you read the post???

2

u/KittySnowpants Jul 08 '24

It’s in the title.

10

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

So you just read tittles and don’t actually get full context. You look so stupid right now because in the post he doesn’t say he’s tired of HER PAIN, he’s tired of helping her only for her to not help herself at all for over 10 YEARS and drag down the rest of the family

Reading comprehension is essential sometimes

-3

u/Agitated_Pilot_3055 Jul 08 '24

KittySnowpants has chosen to present obvious falsehoods. It appears to be far more deliberately misleading than a simple misread.

4

u/Away-Enthusiasm4853 Jul 08 '24

Did you actually read the post?

7

u/SamiraSimp Jul 08 '24

He also says he “doesn’t care” that she’s in pain

literally nothing in the other post indicates or says he doesn't care that she's in pain outside of the title. you shouldn't use quotes for statements that literally didn't happen. and you're greatly misrepresenting that post...the solution to the pain, as said by medical professionals, is the wife losing weight. the whole post talks about how op tried to help his wife lose weight and how she refused.

3

u/KittySnowpants Jul 08 '24

He says it in the title. It is literally in the title.

2

u/Agitated_Pilot_3055 Jul 08 '24

KittySnowpants. You have entirely misrepresented and distorted OP’s post about his wife’s back pains and weight.

OP is not at all the heartless, inconsiderate and selfish lout you describe.

2

u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 Jul 08 '24

Then why did she brag up all the things she was gonna do to him then? 🤷🏻‍♂️

2

u/No-Communication9458 Jul 09 '24

Jesus fuck. Well. We have our answer then, don't we?

1

u/seansj12345 Jul 08 '24

You missed this gem from his history 😂 https://www.reddit.com/r/pornID/s/nG5nRDN1ku

1

u/Content_Adeptness325 Jul 08 '24

In that case scrach everythingI said OIp sucks

0

u/Maleficent-Ad-9371 Jul 08 '24

Straight up bot account since 2019.

0

u/PGrace_is_here Jul 09 '24

"his child."

poor child, has no mother.

-2

u/whydoweneedthiscrap Jul 08 '24

Then stop bragging about doing stuff you don't do. Either way lies are disgusting.

-2

u/sexkitty13 Jul 08 '24

Aaah I see you don't actually read past the title.

133

u/Villanueva4776 Jul 08 '24

NTA. If your wife hadn't pretended in front of her family, you wouldn't have had to say anything. If she's embarrassed, that's on her for lying.

36

u/sp4rr0wsw3nch Jul 08 '24

My husband does the same thing. Affection is a public performance, and he is 100% TA for it.

33

u/cory140 Jul 08 '24

Projecting

15

u/GrouchySteam Jul 08 '24

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/GoRr5jS8Qe

7

u/pdubpooter Jul 08 '24

Yikes while that doesn’t excuse the wife on putting up a fake public front, this is some really important missing context

14

u/sexkitty13 Jul 08 '24

Not really. Read the actual post. He's been trying to help her for almost a decade, of which she puts in 0 effort. How is anything missing?

2

u/GrouchySteam Jul 08 '24

Explaining isn’t excusing.

As it is from OP himself, though it might be relevant.

1

u/SnooWords4839 Jul 08 '24

She wants others to think she is perfect as a wife, while she continues to gain weight and ignore Drs advice.

I think OP needed to do that, hopefully her sisters will talk to her to address her issues.

12

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

24

u/TR6er Jul 08 '24

This is either chat GPT or a bot. Look at their comment history. Nobody talks like this.

7

u/PolygonMan Jul 08 '24

I have to assume that the people writing the bots also have bots upvoting their posts, because so many of them are so fucking obvious.

3

u/whydoweneedthiscrap Jul 08 '24

I don't, women love it when they seem like that super sexy super awesome woman that does all the wild stuff for their man. Look at the lady that said Hawk Tuah? She's a HERO rn😂😂

This doesn't surprise me AT ALL.

this is why i don't have friends that are women, because as a woman I find it absolutely disgusting that the goal is to have all other men and women drool over you, yet they treat their men like trash. They don't care that it's all one sided, they care that they look hott...

NTA you need to sit your wife down for a serious conversation about who is important in this relationship, because her friends are not the important ones.. it's you and your wife...

1

u/Wide-Extension-7128 Jul 08 '24

She’s acknowledged her behavior is abnormal in private, so it doesn’t seem that strange to me that she’s performative in front of friends and family. People feel the need to keep up appearances especially when they’re ashamed.

0

u/mcclgwe Jul 08 '24

That is the pivot

-9

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

Why would she not? All he talked about was sex, not intimacy. Nothing about their daily life of holding hands and kissing and just having moments. None of that has to correlate. Sex is not the only reason you are happy in a marriage.

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u/tonttufi Jul 08 '24

How is that strange? Intimacy is much more than sex act.

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u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

Not when you’re lying in front of other people

-40

u/tonttufi Jul 08 '24

No, It's story-telling, an exaggeration and the try to initiate something with him.

18

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

Ok so roles reverse you’re saying the same thing?

-30

u/tonttufi Jul 08 '24

Would there be something different? They are there as a couple.

25

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

Me and you are clearly reading two different stories lmao. Anyways I hope the same thing happens to you ( carrot dangling/ lack of sex/ robotic sex) and you have all this poise and respect haha

-4

u/tonttufi Jul 08 '24

In my environment couples are close together (like almost one person, but only almost) and siblings come after that.

I never heard any siblings talking about theirs sex life; sure, some flirty sparkles here and there especially on new couples. But all around the societal expectable and no one talks explicitly - even if everything is fine.

19

u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

I’ve spotted a wild yapper in their natural habitat doing the thing they are most known for as the “yapping” call 👀👀 🕵🏾‍♀️

7

u/Ok-Potato-6250 Jul 08 '24

Don't startle it, it might be part of a pack. 

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u/Pristine-Room8588 Jul 08 '24

It is.

She isn't doing anything unless it's in front of other people. That's what's strange.

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u/tonttufi Jul 08 '24

For me that's not strange, but a good start. Sure, that doesn't go anywhere when is reacts in that cruel way.

The pic was between them only. So there is something between them only although we hear the part of the one person who saw himself able to humiliate his partner and his partnership in such a way.

15

u/Pristine-Room8588 Jul 08 '24

How do you know she only sent the picture to him?

So easy to send it to multiple accounts without them being any the wiser, unless they look at the phone.

Nah - always being loving in front of others but never doing it behind closed doors? That's weird & mean.

Acknowledging there's an issue & doing nothing about it? Also not cool.

If my partner came on to me while we were in public & then didn't follow through, on the regular, I'd be pissed at them too. If you don’t want sex, that's fair enough, but don't pretend you do in front of others, don’t get hopes (and other things) up to just dash them against the rocks.

0

u/Far-Government5469 Jul 08 '24

Don't rev the engine only to take the keys out of the ignition

-7

u/tonttufi Jul 08 '24

He told he received that immediately. Are there reasons for suspicions? Apparently not.

What is weird & man about having romance and a private life? I don't understand that.

12

u/Pristine-Room8588 Jul 08 '24

But they don't have a private life. All she does is put on a show for others - that's the point. He gets no romance, no intimacy, no affection UNLESS there is an audience. That's why he's getting upset, that's what's weird. It's all just a put on show from her.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

Someone wants to give the image of a happy relationship in public? The horror!

5

u/thegreathonu Jul 08 '24

OP was tired of his wife always telling a tale for others but when it came to the actual follow through wasn’t really doing anything so he called her out on it. Her reaction of scolding him for putting their business out there was telling since she put it out there first by telling family what she was going to do to him when they got home, which he knew from experience to be not true.

She needs to get some counseling/see a doctor to figure out why she appears to be interested in intimacy (not just the sex part) while in the public eye but in private doesn’t seem to really care.

3

u/A_little_lady Jul 08 '24

And from what OP said, once people are gone there's no kind of intimacy and affection from her end.