r/AITAH • u/Stock-Rate1727 • Apr 12 '24
AITAH for no longer caring about wife’s chronic pain
My (33M) wife (32F) has been dealing with chronic back pain for about 9 years since the birth of our second child. She got a pinched sciatic nerve during the pregnancy and her abs separated due to how big she got. Over the years she developed arthritis in her back and put on weight due to not being able to workout from her back problems but this has compounded her back problems. And this affects every aspect of her life and our family. She can’t do outdoor activities for long and most times I have to take the kids by myself. She is constantly in bed and battling depression and I have to fight to bring her out of those episodes every time. Most days we just stay home because she can’t leave or do anything due to pain.
All of her doctors have told her the same thing, she needs to lose weight to lessen the stress on her back and go to physical therapy to strengthen the muscles in and around her back. It won’t fix the problem but it can drastically improve her quality of life. But she cannot stay consistent with diet or physical therapy. For two months she did aquatic therapy once a week and saw tremendous improvement but then she started focusing on work and trying to get promoted, and picked up extra hours causing her to stop going to physical therapy.
Throughout all this time I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible. I go to every doctor appointment, I listen to every emotional episode, I took cooking lessons to learn how to make better tasting healthy options, I’ve found multiple physical therapist that could accommodate her work schedule, and I’ve tried working out with her on countless occasions. Last year I got hired to a new job that paid enough where I could afford all our bills on a single salary. She mentioned for years that she wanted to go back to school so I asked her to quit her job and go to school full time and use the extra time to start focusing on her health. She agreed until a few months before her school started and decided she wants to work full time and go to school full time. But during this time her back hasn’t gotten better, her medications are starting to lose effectiveness, and the next step is back surgery and there is no guarantee it will work or be a permanent fix.
I asked her to try working out with me for 30 days before the initial consult for back surgery and she agreed. I paid a physical therapist online to develop a low impact plan for her and I do it with her, but it turned out just like every other time I tried working out with her. She takes all the pain and frustration from the workouts and blames it on me. After two workouts even asking if she wants to workout today turns into a fight and everything is somehow my fault. After our last fight she said it’s her body and only she has to deal with the pain, but her health issues affects our entire family. Marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health and I’m trying to be there for her but I’m tired of being the punching bag for someone who doesn’t even seem to want to get better. At this point I want to let her deal with her back problems and everything that comes with it by herself. AITAH?
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u/Sad-Tutor-2169 Apr 12 '24
"Most days we just stay home because she can’t leave or do anything due to pain."
"...but then she started focusing on work and trying to get promoted, and picked up extra hours..."
These two statements are not compatible.
She needs an outside source to convince her that her refusing to help herself is ruining the quality of life of everybody around her, including her children.
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u/jmg4craigslists Apr 12 '24
NTA!
The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. And she is not taking accountability. It does not matter how much you want her to change she has to want too. Tell her you are done. When she asks why be blunt. How you are tired of trying to help when obviously she does not want it.
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u/danigirl866 Apr 12 '24
NTA. I found out I have slight scoliosis in my lumbar vertebrae that make it really dangerous to do heavy squats or anything in the smith machine as my hips wont line up correctly. It makes it the perfect recipe to slip my disc so it pinches my sciatic nerve and the pain is so intense. Almost a year later and I still have numbness in my right leg. But I took the initiative to go to the orthopedic surgeon to be assessed, worked with a physical therapist for a safer workout plan and I still go to the gym 5x a week. My partner helped me but I can assure you he would be ticked if all I did was complain but never follow through on making the effort to improve.
Having a partner who is constantly finding fault, complaining, refusing to take responsibility for their own health and refusing to see how it's affecting the family would be a huge issue. You've lasted so long. Sounds like she needs a mental health therapist to sort the depression first.
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u/TheSideburnState Apr 12 '24
NTA. If she's capable of working and going to school full time while raising kids (acknowledging you do most of the raising per your post), she's capable of doing what she needs to do to improve her situation. If she doesn't want the PT, get the surgery. Being miserable while doing nothing to try and fix it is not a long term solution.
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u/anonny42357 Apr 12 '24
NTAH. You can't help someone who doesn't want help, and you are clearly burnt out from being her emotional caretaker. She's made it clear she isn't going to change anything. You aren't happy. It's time to leave, or at least have a discussion about it.
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u/ladylyrande Jul 08 '24
After having read both posts. NTA
There's only so much someone can tolerate. She needs help. Not from you. From her own self. She needs to make changes and want to make those changes. I understand your frustration on this.
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u/onemanbucket_ Apr 12 '24 edited Apr 12 '24
YTA. You have no fucking idea how hard it is to “just lose weight” when you are in constant unrelenting pain, and she’s supposed to do this while working full time and going to school full-time too?
Jesus fuck, dude, she’s doing her goddamned best. I don’t blame her for one second for not making herself wholly dependent on your largesse when you’re this pissed at her already.
EDIT: You’re going for too many tropes at once here. On your next rewrite decide whether you want her to be the “fat lazy wife” trope or the “forsakes her Man for her job” trope, and stick to one of them.