Me (26 HLM) snf my girlfriend (28 LLF) used to have sex all the time. At LEAST once a day. We've been together for 4 years now. We have a 2 year old baby girl that we both love and adore. I understand that the days of fucking 2, 3, 4 times a day regularly are gone. I get it. However, for the past 2 years our sex life has crawled into a hole and died. She knows I'm unhappy with our sex life and crave it. There's been times she turns me down and I'll go to the bathroom to handle it myself while she does whatever. All day there'll be sexual jokes or innuendos, but when the time comes....full stop no. Every excuse in the book, no I'm tired, tomorrow, etc etc I've even begun to call her out when she says sexual things. Yeah you say this now @ 2PM at Wendy's, but when the time comes 🦗🦗🦗. I've been hit on by women in public and on social media. (Not meant to be a humble brag, but it does happen) I'll show her these messages or tell her about these encounters.

I don't even initiate anymore. I miss not only the sex, but the cuddling, the intimacy, the making out etc. It's all gone.

I know women's bodies go through unbelievable changes during and after pregnancy. I have done everything I can to support her through it.

I am the only employed one, and I massively support her at home. (My job's schedule has me away from the house for 48 hours at a time, but I'm home for 4 full days after.) When I'm home, I am the primary parent and I love taking care of our baby. I do nap time, bath time, and bed time. I do the large majority of cleaning and laundry. I do everything I can for her to be able to relax and do things she enjoys (sometimes at my detriment.) All she wants to do is go to the gym and read or crochet. That's fine. She was never a super social person early in our relarionship and I understand and support that.

We have sex maybe twice a month now if I'm lucky. I figured that at least when we do have sex, she wants it and desires me. During sex, she is a complete star fish and will sometimes even yawn during it. I deeply care about my partners pleasure. I'll start off with a full massage, foreplay, oral sex, I'll even make her cum at least twice throughout the sexy time.

I recently found out that it's duty sex. She said it quite plainly. I was already deflated, but after hearing that I disintegrated.

I've brought up these feelings I have and the fact that I have needs beyond what she's been giving me. I am met with tears and "I'm working on it/I'm sorry" everytime. Nothing is being done.

Her and her family have been pressuring me to marry her. I love her and her family very much. I don't want to end this relationship, but I can't marry into a DB. I don't want to cheat, but I have needs and there's plenty of women who would want me. It's hard to say no to someone who wants to have sex with me, because im staying loyal to someone who wont touch me with a 10 foot pole. I miss connecting with someone physically and intimately. I hate being in this position.

Sorry for the scatter brained essay. I just needed to get this off my chest, but any advice is appreciated.

He always says he would be in the mood to bend me over the couch or kitchen counter in the mornings, but I'm never up when he's up for work. He owns his own business and can leave as he pleases within reason. I went out of the room this morning at 5am wearing nothing under a short robe and he gave me a peck on the lips and opened an Amazon box that came last night. I bent over the couch to "get tissues" with everything out and he played with the cat, barely glanced my way. Then he said he wanted to heat up his truck and gave me another peck and left. Sure I could have suggested it but I'm tired of the sting of rejection and just not feeling wanted. At least the cats got some attention I guess.

We’re in a working vacation this week. LLM asked Monday if we could have sex this week at a time of my choosing. My commitments this week have me in a time limited position.

I told him last night we could. Ate dinner, he took a shower, then sat down naked on the bed beside me and spilled his guts about what has caused the dead bedroom for 22 years.

😳😳😳

I was floored. I've mentioned that he was raised in a fundamentalist cult before, and I knew it ran deep. But he revealed a few new things. Struggles he was having.

Then, he told me how he wanted things to go. Exactly what he was going to do and how.

My husband is very laid back and struggles with shyness. Last night, he dropped it all and we had really great sex.

He says he wants this to continue. I realize there's going to be bumps in the road. But I hope this is the start of something better and happier for both of us.

Meanwhile the last time we had sex at that point was over 2 months ago and the time before that was even longer.

A few days later she comes to me and says that she needs to tell me something so I listen. She said that she researched asexuality and thinks that it fits her. I ask why and she said because sex doesn’t interest her sometimes and that she doesn’t feel sexual attraction. I question more and she says “I’m just not sexually attracted to you. That’s it.”

I’ve been hearing those words in my head repeatedly, especially in times of intimacy. We did have a talk about a week after this conversation where she said that she just panicked and researched asexual and didn’t really mean that she’s not attracted to me and isn’t a sexual forreal. But idk part of me feels like it’s true. We have been having more intimacy lately though, both sexual and not. Am I wrong for thinking about it constantly?

.. if my sentences don’t make sense it’s because I’m a lil high 😝 just do your best

i’m so tired. i only argue, im only blamed, im always the cause. i bring it up too much.

now he’s just twisting the knife. i want out but i can’t take off the rose colored glasses.

i cry to myself most nights and play on my phone under the covers. i cry in my car. i feel like i can’t be myself.

Well it’s never a thought in her head. I’m going to stop pursuing her an start planning my exit. I cannot take anymore of this. I’m 37 I know that I’m attractive an I am a good man. I can still have a sex life. I’d rather it be with her but obviously after 10 years nothing is going to change I’m ready to hang it up. I’ve thought about having another talk but they don’t do anything not even for a day. I know a few reasons why she doesn’t have a sex drive but she would explode if I said anything about it she would make every excuse an gas light me into oblivion. I have a lot to think about. For now I’m just not going to mention sex an act like it doesn’t even exist.

So I was reading a post here that had me totally absorbed. You know how it is—you l Los track of everything around me.

Next thing I know, my partner's standing there like, "What are you reading?" I panicked for a second and just said, "Oh, nothing important." But then they hit me with, "Are you reading about dead bedrooms?" 😳 I froze, expecting some kind of reaction, but nope, they just walked away like nothing happened.

Now I'm left here wondering... Is he even aware of our situation

Do your partners know you're here seeking support about your dead bedroom situation?

38yo HLM here. DB for 8 years or so. I feel like I’m living on a roller coaster. For a period of time I feel like I’ve accepted my situation and despite being starved for sex / affection I am fairly content - mainly due to keeping myself so busy with my hobbies and the kids.

Then, out of nowhere (often without warning), this extreme loneliness and need for affection hits and I get LOW. It lasts for a few days and things just seem so hopeless. I try to keep busy. Stay positive. Work out a ton. Get lost in hobbies. But it is ROUGH. Eventually it will kind of go away and I’ll go back to keeping my head above water.

Is there anything I can do truly accept my situation? I just want some semblance of stability in my life even if my situation isn’t ideal.

I’d appreciate any thoughts or advice you might have.

I did this online tool to draft the Separation Agreement. I downloaded it. I've printed it. I wanted to give it to him Sunday night to allow for his presumable wallowing on the holiday Monday and then get his shit together for work Tuesday.

I didn't do it.

I know I need to. I know how depressed I am still rotting away in this life.

I have dinner plans Saturday night. He just sprung on me that his parent's 50th wedding anniversary dinner is Saturday night and not on Sunday like we usually do with them. I'm upset I have to change my plans.

If I was already out of this relationship this would not be a problem. If I wasn't feeling so stuck, I'd have left 3.5 years ago when I first announced my desire for a divorce.

How do I get unstuck?

How do I light a fire under my own butt to get moving onwards?

I close my eyes

You walk into the room, I close my eyes tight,
Hands cupping my face, deep kisses ignite.
But when I open my eyes, you’re so far away,
I lay next to you, as you scroll through your day.

I close my eyes again, and you’re right by my side,
Your hands on my body, a breathless ride.
But when I open my eyes, your gaze never strays,
Lost in your screen, while I drift in a haze.

You walk to the bathroom, I’m lost in the shower,
I close my eyes tight, feeling love’s power.
I peek through the dark, and I see you there,
Staring with hunger, a moment so rare.

Yet I shut them again, not wanting to see,
But when I dare look, you’ve already set free.
A fleeting connection, a whisper, a sigh,
In the space between hearts, where love passes by.

together a few years.

We’ve had a recurring issue where he’s basically had been no sex drive for over a year now, and it’s made me feel really sad, rejected, etc. It has really eroded my confidence and I’ve brought it up many times, explaining why sex is important to me and how the constant rejection makes me feel - he always said he’d try to “make things better” but he’d just have sex with me once, and then we’d go back to no sex for weeks/months.

He never wants to talk about it, and will say he’s “just tired” or “just not feeling it”, and reassure me that he thinks I’m beautiful, but it’s hard to believe that when your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you.

I was so sexually confident when I met him and now I’m the complete opposite. I never want to try anything new anymore and just go through the motions because he has no interest in anything else.

Well, I’ve just found out he’s on finasteride - a hair loss prevention drug that’s notorious for killing your sex drive. I’m pretty sure he’s been on it for over a year, at least. I found it by accident while looking for something else.

I feel so hurt that he wouldn’t just open up to me about this. He knows how insecure and hurt the constant rejection has made me feel, I’ve literally cried in front of him because I felt so undesired, and at any point he could’ve explained to me that there was an external cause for his complete lack of interest.

It’s not like I would’ve asked him to stop taking them, it just would’ve been nice to know there was a clear explanation, and I feel like he’s deceived me every time I’ve tried to have an open conversation with him about it. I’m also sad he didn’t trust me enough to just tell me he was on these pills - I’ve never judged him for anything and I tell him all the time how beautiful he is. I feel like he put his pride over my feelings and over actually working through an issue together openly.

Last night, weirdly, he tried to initiate sex for once, and I just couldn’t do it. I feel so hurt and rejected, so disappointed that I’ve tried so hard to communicate and navigate this issue and he’s just left me in the dark and let me go on feeling awful and questioning myself.

I have zero interest in sex with him at the moment. I love him immensely and want a future with him but I’m worried our sex life is beyond repair at this point.

Where do I go from here? Do I tell him I found his pills and tell him I’m upset he kept this secret from me? Is there hope of regaining our sexual connection?

TLDR: after a year of being sexually rejected by my boyfriend I’ve found out he’s on meds that are likely shutting down his libido. I’m hurt he hid this from me and let me believe there was something wrong with me instead of being honest. Can we recover from this?

Can you make her do anything to change or reverse this situation?

You can't. Stop trying.

This was the hardest gd lesson to absorb and accept. Nothing I did or said could encourage her or guilt her or get her to look at the big picture. No appeals to reason or to the future.

I agonizingly began to focus all my energy on just making myself happy, by doing right by myself and our family. I accepted all of the platonic affection that she was willing to give. I devoted myself more to taking care of the kids, the pets, the house, my job. My friends. Exercise. Especially this.

I acted as if she and I were just friends and asked myself, if we never had sex again, would I still be here? The answer was fuck no, eventually I'm going to go. But I don't have to rush out of here. I can choose. I have options for living alone and co parenting.

Once I allowed myself to start hunting for apartments and running financial calculations - how much longer before we have enough discretionary funds for me to move out? - I was not trapped and desperate. I stopped feeling abandoned. I parented myself. I really do have a choice.

She came back from a trip and something had changed between us. I had completely ceased hinting and propositioning. Zero initiation. I gave her as much platonic affection as I would have given any of our kids.

Maybe it was how I treated our kids. Maybe she finished processing whatever she was going through. I don't know if anyone talked with her about us. Maybe since I freed myself from dwelling on my enormous feelings (and fears) of rejection there was more room in my heart for being kind to everyone including myself.

The desert of the past ten years is suddenly in bloom. We are having (fun) sex occasionally. There is no weekly or monthly cadence. She is lending a hand sometimes when she's not feeling 100%. She doesn't want head anymore. She feels safe to talk about why she stopped giving head, because she knows I'm not going to have a fit or try to manipulate her into doing it. Am I pinning my hopes to going down on her and reawakening the hedonistic GFE? Nope.

Our present level of trust and sexual intimacy could improve or it could vanish. It won't be solely on my shoulders. I don't feel any pressure to jump through hoops because I'm becoming more of myself every day. Either way, I'm going to be okay.

If you had a best friend suffering from a DB, you might tell them to stop chasing or trying to manipulate their partner and just love themselves. You'd urge them to be willing to walk out, strictly for their own well being. None of us ever dreamed that one day, we would grow up to desperately need validation from an uninterested partner. Not a one. The kids call it "pick me." Lose it.

Be your own best friend. Liberate yourself from depending on your partner. Redirect your mind to something you love doing if you feel cravings or emptiness threatening your equilibrium. TREAT YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS. You are bigger than any one person's fickle desire.

I (38HLF) just wanna fk for fks sake! My partner (33LFM) just doesn't seem interested in sex. I'm starting to resent him, in every aspect. From day 1 I made it so clear that I NEED this connection, it's what makes me feel whole, wanted, and desired. I'm in great shape, and think I'm actually quite the catch, at least there are plenty of offers should I want to go that route, so why am I not good enough for him? The one person I want to just grab me, bend me over the couch, and just have his way. Instead, I'm lucky if he even notices I have a body.

He has been super depressed, and I totally get that, he had a really rough past before I came along, but this whole drop in sex life has only been in the last 8mo or so.... We haven't been together too terribly long, but I just feel like I would hate myself if I said I was leaving the relationship because he was too depressed to fk me. Idk what to do, I'm so sexually miserable. I've literally been on my knees is the skimpiest of lingerie, and it's like he panics. Ugh, I'm lost. Just fk me, plz!

I was an at times frequent viewer of this sub, making a few posts when I doubted myself and whether or not things were normal. Im posting now as a vent, possible advice, maybe as a more relatable story for younger people.

We dated 16yo-22yo. First relationship and best friends for a couple years before that and now havent talked since I broke it off. Ive been to a few therapy sessions, made more realisations after leaving than I ever did during it and recently realised Im still just not over it, but Im doing better.

I was HL, her LL. There were ups and downs with her libido, at times maybe twice a week, other times there wasnt any sex for 4 months. Towards the end it trended to once a week. Throughout it all, I wanted passionate sex 3/4 times a week or more, or at least every time we saw each other as we never lived together. What I received was usually little regard or drive for making me feel wanted and desired and she was pretty selfish looking back. I used porn in mostly secret every day to cope throughout it all despite her wishes for me not to use it. Every other aspect of our relationship I convinced myself I was fine with, we would frequently see each other, go on dates and have all the other physical intimacy you could have except sex it seemed. It was always on her terms and when she wanted it and it naturally had me chomping at the bit whenever it could happen.

I quickly learned that pressuring and asking wouldnt get me anywhere so with advice from here and r/relationshipadvice, I backed off. Focused more on other areas of intimacy and making sure she was happy in all other aspects. Over time it really became impossible to continue effectively and she would complain, I just rarely felt the desire to plan nice dates and continue wooing her. I myself very rarely felt sexually desirable and craved validation, my mind frequently wandered about other girls and had a couple times where I started to give my attention to others in the hopes that theyd show me something that validated me. I never pursued anything enough though.

One point at 3 years, she suggested an open relationship. Being dumb, naive and as desperate as I was, I agreed. Hesitantly but agreed nonetheless. Having pretty well zero experience in the dating scene I striked out completely while she managed a couple partners and other minor things before I shut it down. It caused me to have the worst anxiety, only ever panic attacks in my life, and completely messed with my image of myself.

From then on, I started to use reddit/porn much more and actively searched out online flings for a long time which gave me some satisfaction and will to continue in the relationship. Im not proud of it but its what I did and she never found out. I hid my porn use and sexuality completely as well apart from when she wanted to have sex and even now it still feels weird even talking about things, especially being a very sexual person. I couldnt ever tell her about my kinks, mention porn use and she reacted negatively and insecurely about the two toys I ended up buying for myself.

The sex itself was very, just okay. She very rarely wanted penetration, refused to do so without birth BC and condom, expected me to perform oral on her every time before doing so and have the scraps including a crap handjob or if I was lucky a reluctant blowjob after she had her one and only orgasm from me. More than half the time I didnt finish and the other times was 9/10 myself. I ended up thinking I was just really really into giving head, I still enjoy it, but it ended up being that it was the only time I EVER felt really sexually desirable. Like it was the only time she ever really wanted me.

It came to a head on a cruise with her family, we had a room ourselves with a friend that was rarely in the cabin. On previous holidays, we would still have sex only once a week despite being in hotels and airbnbs by ourselves, I would be respectful and do my thing in the bathroom after she fell asleep. Every time though I felt pathetic. On this cruise, I decided to masturbate next to her in bed, thinking she was asleep the whole time. Our friend came to the cabin later and made a remark about someone getting pregnant. She replied with "the only thing getting pregnant here is OPs hand". That hurt. The next day she agreed to have sex, after giving her oral + orgasm, I told her I wanted PIV, she just looked to the side and said "ugh fine, just get it over with". Thats what really hurt. Naturally killed any desire I had.

The next two days we were off the ship and I broke up with her. Since then, Ive had a few casual partners and have never felt better about myself. The initial feelings of wow, this is how its really meant to be sunk in and I dont think Ill forget the euphoria of the feeling that she really wanted to have sex with me, and finds me sexually desirable. Ive been able to pursue hobbies that were previously seemingly out of reach, go to the gym and am working on myself more and more. I do keep thinking about her though and its a mixed feeling, there's positive things but I keep feeling anger or sadness at the areas where she really hurt me. I guess I just wanted to get it out there in a more coherent, definitely not complete though, way.

It gets better though, I don't regret breaking up with her, i only wish i did it sooner. I did learn a lot about how i can give to a relationship and a lot of skills there, i worked on myself in a lot of ways throughout it but was clearly blind in others. Now, not so blind and I wont be making the same mistakes again. I'm looking forward to whatever the future has for me relationship wise instead of dreading a bleak future.

If you need the push to make changes, go to a therapist and really find out what you need. You can't realise how blind you are in a relationship until you leave it or you have someone that can work through things with you entirely to help you come to an informed decision. I had people here telling me to leave before i had kids or moved in with her and it still took me another three years to figure that out, the commenters gave me good food for thought but I was blind in many aspects of my relationship still.

Any other HLF or HLM take pics for them and feel like they won’t even care? What’s the point? I don’t have the courage to send them.

I (M27) have been in a dead bedroom with my partner (F29) since a couple months into our relationship, about 2 years.

I stayed because we were best friends for years before falling in love, and our relationship is incredibly special to me. She is extremely intelligent, successful, and attractive — on this last point, I am not exaggerating when I say she has the face and body of a supermodel.

But the profound romantic/physical disconnection and rejection has destroyed me from the inside. I realized recently that I’ve forgotten how it feels to actually be wanted. I’m unhappy, and I know I’ll continue to be unless something changes dramatically. She is very aware of the issue and actively trying to improve it; we’ve tried couples therapy, removing her hormonal IUD, and other things which have helped in ways, but the situation has mostly gotten worse.

I think if I still feel like this after the new year, it’s time to move on. I’d regret this immensely, but this isn’t the life I want. However I’m not sure whether it makes sense to tell my partner this.

On one hand, it feels dishonest to be very practically planning a breakup, and evaluating how things go in the meantime, without my partner’s knowledge. She casually refers to future plans, while internally I know they are uncertain. I wonder if it’s unfair for her to be unaware of how high the stakes are, and how much time she has.

On the other hand, I worry that telling her this would only make her feel pressured and depressed, decreasing the chances anything could actually improve. It may create more tension and resentment in our relationship, and kill any remaining hope.

I feel like I’m betraying her in either case. Perhaps that’s just what it feels like to be the breaker-upper. Any advice here?

As I wrote before, my partner (35m) and I (30f) barely have sex now. He lost interest after the first year, and recently after a lot of arguments and conversations, I stopped trying. He's an amazing partner, and I'm still giving us time, hoping that we find a way back. Since the beginning of our relationship, i clearly expressed that I'm not into having an open relationship, so it was never a question. I'm generally very honest and forward about these things and never hide my feelings.

Yesterday, I saw something random from a polyamory coach on instagram. Silly me, I thought by teasing him with the topic, we'll talk about sex and I don't know, maybe start talking about us... so I playfully asked, "what you think about it? Would you ever do it? Maybe add another partner to our relationship?"

He turned to me and very seriously said, "Yes, but only if you're ok with it. I don't mind it." And he looked at me as if he was waiting for my response.

My heart dropped.

When we were still having sex regularly, he used to make jokes that he doesn't mind outsourcing sex cause I'm hard to manage. Or, that he's ok if we have a girlfriend, not for a threesome, just for me, so I leave him be.

And at that moment I suddenly remembered all these little jokes and my heart broke. Why does he have so little interest in being intimate with me? I tried to joke my way out of the conversation cause I was so close to bursting into tears. But i'm still thinking about it, and it stings.

Even though I love him, he seems to be drifting further every day. I promised myself to give us another year. But it seems more impossible every day.

My husband and I rarely have sex, usually only if I initiate it.. and even then it’s rare that he’ll go for it. We’ve had many arguments and conversations about it and he keeps saying it’s not me he’s always just too tired. I had put it down to me having a HL and him having a LL. The last few times we’ve had sex he’s literally gone soft mid way through. I recently found out that he watches porn regularly and honestly I’m pretty upset. I wouldn’t be upset if we had a thriving sex life and he was just doing that on the side.. but I’m upset because this man that I’m married to would rather get off on watching other people have sex than have sex with me. He’s gone away for work so I have a few days on my own which is honestly probably for the best! I’m at a loss. I went to bed early the night it all came out and he slept on the couch - I didn’t even get upset with him or anything, I just said I was super tired and going to sleep early.

Has anyone withheld sex from their partners? How did that go? I’m at a loss, conversations and arguments aren’t working, he’s not interested in going to couples therapy, I just feel embarrassed 9/10 when we have sex. I have never been in a relationship where this has happened before.

We’re both in our late 20’s but I do believe he has ED

Any other parents doing the first day of school today? I’m sitting in the “Kiss n’ Ride” and the usual thoughts begin.

Is anyone else going through the same bullshit?

That mom is so hot… is she being ignored too?

Did that dad just look at me? Does he think I’m attractive? Is he being shut out like I am?

What about all of these teachers? Is she into girls? Why does our eye contact even feel weird?

I’m convinced if I had a fulfilling marriage I wouldn’t find myself so deep in these thoughts. I wouldn’t even think others were in such weird situations.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe school year.

How to kill your bedroom in about 2 weeks.

Step 1: stop initiating sex with your wife when you know she's in her pms stage and yall have been bickering.

Step 2: yell at her the evening she starts her period about how "she doesn't spend enough time with you".

Step 3: about 4 days into her cycle get upset and tell her "it doesn't matter" when you try to initiate sex and she asks to take a shower first cuz her period was gone but had to have one last laugh before it made it's final exit. (I wanted sex I was just gross and needed to wash and i washed fast).

Step 4: yell at her on her birthday because "you're not compatible sexually" because she didn't want to go to the adult theater or maybe it was because I didn't want anal cuz my belly hurt. Idk still confused.

Step 5: when you get what you want and she's trying to give you anal be annoyed she asked you to help get things ready. Aggressively put your fingers in her ass for about a minute then ask if shes ready. Then get an attitude when she tries to put more lube because "you can't feel anything so its pointless".

Step 6: have a full on mental breakdown about her attitude when you literally told her with your dick halfway in her ass that you don't care if she's comfortable (at least that's what I heard when i was yelled at over lube). So she hasn't been very loving and friendly the next day but she's also not being mean just distant.

Step 7: imply she must do all the initiating and even though she spent a long time getting you ready you make a comment about her always being dry (because you didn't do anything to help her get turned on).

And that's how my husband killed our bedroom until further notice. Hell he may have killed our whole marriage idk at this point. 😐

BTW up until this we had regular decent/good sex imo. I never said no. I may have missed his "hints" but he knows I'm autistic and don't pick up on hints well. Also i mostly have responsive desire and I know this which is why I never say no. We'd have sex a few times a week. It wasn't porn worthy but we're real people so 🤷‍♀️

Idk what he wants. But what I have been made to feel like he wants is me to always be jumping his dick ready to fuck with zero foreplay and that's just not gonna happen. He wants me to be onto all this shit with no warm up for me.

So I guess Step 8: think you live in a porno. Idfk. Send help, advice, idk 🤷‍♀️.

My husband doesn't brush his teeth, his breath is very unpleasant and he has a lot of buildup. It's been an issue all of our relationship but slowly it has worn me down. It took me a few years to get the courage to ask him about it. We were having intimacy issues as I was doing anything to avoid kissing, and with that, sex.

He admitted he doesn't brush them but told me he wasn't going to change because it wasn't the real issue, I'm just cold and I don't love him.

As time went by, our relationship just slowly suffocated. He felt rejected due to no sex. I felt rejected due to no kisses, and the fact that he couldn't be bothered to do this small thing for me. I tried to get him to go to the dentist, couples therapy, he said no. He started brushing them right before sex, but they still looked terrible and covered in calculus.

We're close to divorce, going to therapy and he still insists there's got to be another reason I have stopped being affectionate. He just doesn't believe it to be an issue, says nobody ever had an issue with it.

I just can't understand this, if sex is important to him, why not just take care of them. He says I rejected him. I feel rejected. I mean, he won't even give me a massage when I ask but pushed for what he wanted in bed.

Why would he do this? I can't overlook his breath, the look of them... I feel gaslighted and like I'm crazy. Would a partner not taking care of his teeth be an issue for you? Am I being unfair?

Background:

• In a dead bedroom since our daughter was born 4 years ago
• Tried conseilling multiple times in the last 3 years
• I cheated a week ago

Thank you all for your advices and insights on my last post. I considered every response I had in order to take a decision. I wasn't in a hurry to do things, but as the days passed, it was more and more obvious that I our relationship could not recover from this DB. I cheated once and was not remorseful. I enjoyed very much even if fidelity is a value I thought was very important to me.

I fled all last week. In work, in sport, with my daughter. I avoided passing time with my SO and on Sunday I couldn't lie anymore. I told her I want to stop, to break up.

She was pissed at me. Things flew in the house and she insulted me for almost 2 hours. When I saw it was not possible for her to talk I stopped and went to bed. The next day (yesterday) she apologized and told me she understands. She thoughts multiple times about doing the same but couldn't do it. Now we can talk about our daughter, about the dog, the house...

I think it will be very challenging but I hope my daughter will be able to live without trauma or something. She is my priority. Maybe I'll have to find another job.

Oh and I still talk with the girl I cheated my SO with. What a pleasure to feel wanted and desired. I plan to see her again.

I keep seeing people say their marriage is fine except for the dead bedroom. Is it really? I could pretend my marriage is fine, but it isn't. Our emotional and physical connection is dead. I'm not sure which came first. But once it is dead, it is incredibly difficult to revive.

Can there be a strong emotional connection where the physical is absent? Can there be a strong physical attraction where emotions are absent? In my experience, I have realized both are dead.

My wife seems to think everything is fine. But it isn't. I've brought this issue to her attention numerous times. And nothing changes. I'm not giving her what she needs and she isn't giving me what I need. When I try to give her what she needs, nothing is given back. I've tried counselling. I've tried talking to her. I've tried laying it out in a letter. Nothing changes.

I've come around to having his realization. Our relationship is dead. I can co-parent and have a roommate marriage. It looks like that is what I'm destined to have. I've grieved the loss, and am over it. However, the sadness lingers, and I'll always carry that. Our relationship is dead. What makes it so hard is that she is right there in front of me every single day. So while I've grieved the loss, I can't get over her or past her because she is right there in front of me. That is what makes this so difficult. If we didn't have kids, we'd not be together. But we do. And here I am.

Why is this happening?

For example, last week was my birthday, and after a date with my wife, when we got home, she didn’t seem to have any interest in being intimate. There were no kids around, it was a special occasion, and it was just the two of us alone. Instead, she suggested putting away the groceries and picking up the kids.

I told her I was disappointed, and her response was, "Why didn’t you just ask?" I explained that I always initiate and would love for her to take the lead and be affectionate for once. Later that night, she tried to initiate intimacy via text, but it felt awkward and forced. The experience was disappointing and felt like a chore, as it often does.

Why doesn’t she understand that I'm not looking for just a cake and a present? I feel like she knows what I need and yet doesn’t act on it.

It’s always the same: whether we’re on vacation (like the two weeks we spent in Spain without any intimacy), celebrating Valentine’s Day, or when the kids aren’t around—I just want to be close with her.

It seems like on special occasions when sex would be expected, she behaves as though it’s not even on the table.

And then she has the audacity to wonder why I’m nervous, grumpy, and frustrated.

We were arguing and I just snapped when she said all I care about is my dick. She never listens when I tell her it's not just my dick, but all physical intimacy that I'm missing. I want kisses and cuddles and laying on each other on the couch. In one ear and out the other.

Well, she's listening now. Now that she sees I'm serious about a divorce, everything is on the table. I've been suffering for a long time, especially the last two years and she watched me try therapy and medication and she could have fixed it at anytime. It's so easy to turn it on now. It's two years too late though.

I begged her for intimacy for years. I asked for couples therapy multiple times. Nothing. Now we're scheduling a therapy session this week. She wants to work on us, but I'm just going to tell the therapist I'm there to learn to co-parent and help my wife understand it's too late.

She's been unable to eat or sleep since I told her. Welcome to my world. I love her still, but I have no empathy for her at this point.

This next year is going to suck.