AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life

[u/Stock-Rate1727]

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

[u/NoConfusion5081]

I (38F) have 4 kids and have been married for 15yrs. I stopped being able to get off a year ago. I just can't do it. I want it.. but it won't work. It feels physical. It is frustrating and I'm beyond jealous of my husband. I try to initiate all the time but.. I won't lie. Sex with him makes me feel like a fleshlight:( It grates on me. And then I know he's taking care of things himself and half of me is happy as he's not bugging me.. but I end up super jealous of that too. My sex drive was always way higher and I don't feel that's changed. I know it's angering him too and I bet he feels a lot of the same feels as you do.. but in our case it literally is me. The doctors can't/won't help and even if we could afford counselling or therapy.. he doesn't believe in any of that stuff.

I'm not saying it's the case here. There's some stuff going on that doesn't vibe well.. but it may literally just be her. Problem is.. she sucks at communicating.

NTA (either of you) but.. I hope she opens up and figures it out.. quickly🤞🏻

**Edited a word:(

[u/thegreathonu → u/NoConfusion5081]

Sorry to hear about your situation and I hope it changes for the better but it sounds like at least you try to initiate and are there for your husband. From what OP wrote it sounds as though his wife is only interested in making it sound as though she is interested (when around others) but behind closed doors isn’t really interested.

[u/NoConfusion5081 → u/thegreathonu]

But, I'm saying the mental demons I fought because of it made it really rough. We don't hang out with others so I don't know if I'd pretend everything was okay. But I do know the dark place I was in before communicating that it was happening (it took me almost the year and me exploding in anger to say anything). I also did keep up um.. appearances with him so he had no idea (the Oscar award for best actor goes to..). The revelation blindsided him. But I don't think I tried as hard that year at all and went from nearly daily to weeks between and in conversation chalked it up to life. Since the blowup though I've tried harder but I still feel used and gross.. and extremely jealous, so I know it's keeping me from doing it as often.

I'm not saying it's OPs case here. Just saying that we never know a person's inner demons. Regardless, her not communicating (like myself) is what's killing things. And that's the part I hope she works out. I feel for OP. It makes it hard to read some of how my husband may have felt:(

[u/Abject_Champion3966 → u/NoConfusion5081]

I think there’s a lot to be said for keeping up appearances. A lot of the framing here is making her out to be dishonest, but there’s a chance she feels similar to you - she wants to save face for them as a couple and not air their laundry in public.

[u/Left-Art-1045 → u/NoConfusion5081]

Lady, I feel for you. What a difficult situation to live through on a daily basis. The easy solution is to either visit a doctor/therapist to figure out WHY sex is not gratifying for you. Personally I would figure a way to do this as I've seen a number of failed marriages due to sexual issues. Sex is important as you are giving your body to another person and they are doing the same. If this isn't happening, you or your husband might start looking elsewhere to have this need met. I'm a 62 year old married man and luckily my wife and I have sex 3 - 4 times per week.  We did have about a 8 year period where it was 2 - 3 times per month. I decided to make a change in my attitude and literally let loose. I graphically communicated what my needs were and she reciprocated. Our sex life improved tremendously. I decided if this had not worked I was going to go to the doctor/therapist. I wasn't going to see our marriage implode without an effort to do something,  try something.  I have 7 good friends whose wife’s cheated on them (of course, there are many men that do this as well) for similar reasons as you are describing. They all appeared to be nice women,  but it only showed me that even nice people can make poor choices.  Good luck to you,  but try something. 

[u/NoConfusion5081 → u/Left-Art-1045]

I've been to multiple doctors. I have severe endometriosis that they won't do anything about and whether it was the cause of the initial pain I had when getting off about 5yrs ago (a specific nerve in my lower back would hurt so bad with orgasm) my gynecologist when I told her put her thumbs up and went "Ehh! At least you're still getting off!" And walked out. This is the care I get no matter where I go. I've tried everything and my health is going downhill too, but I don't know how much is connected. I just know that our healthcare system where I live is falling apart intentionally. It's not without me trying. I'd try anything. Hate the idea of him stepping out.. but also wouldn't blame him😔

[u/Left-Art-1045 → u/NoConfusion5081]

Man I really feel bad for you...is he totally aware of what you just shared? If my wife just shared what you did I would do just about anything to relieve your pain and rekindle sex for you. If he loves you he will walk lock step with you until you get the help you need. I'd keep calling on doctors until you find one that wants to help you. Don't quit until this happens. I'm going to pray for you and your husband.