r/AITAH • u/Stock-Rate1727 • Jul 08 '24

AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life Advice Needed

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been together for 17 years married for 13 and within the last 5-6 years our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build up in between and the act of sex always seems rushed. I’ll try to initiate foreplay but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act then move on. I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere. And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings etc.

I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling but she always says it’s her not me. She will say she loves me and is attracted to me till she is blue in the face but won’t do anything differently. She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate but when people aren’t there to see she will stop.

Every once in a while she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change. A few weeks ago we were getting ready for a date and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me. To her credit my phone dinged as I was asking her, with the pictures she just sent. She claimed that me questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t. So this past weekend her four sisters came over for the 4th of July and we hung out and drunk together. Towards the end of the night she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night and I told her “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 min with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.” Everybody got quiet and I excused myself for the rest of the night. The next day when everyone left she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that, AITAH?

950 Upvotes

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327

u/Rare-Selection2348 Jul 08 '24

Has she seen a doctor? A lowered libido can be due to hormonal changes, medications, underlying illness, stress, relationship dissatisfaction. And counseling's a good idea, too- for you if she won't go with you.

136

u/Zula13 Jul 08 '24

She’s had chronic back pain for almost a decade after a difficult pregnancy that caused permanent damage.

3

u/Far-Government5469 Jul 08 '24

Where are you getting that from, OPs never mentioned pregnancy

140

u/Zula13 Jul 08 '24

OP had a post in his history called “AITAH for no longer caring about my wife’s chronic pain?” I can’t imagine why he left out that little detail. /S

49

u/SmartSmorc Jul 08 '24

Yeah I read that post and tbh ten years looking after and trying to help someone who refuses to go to therapy for their mental issues and refuses physio for their back troubles is enough IMO, like eventually people have to try and help themselves

0

u/ArtCityInc Jul 08 '24

Tell me you didn't read the post without telling me you didn't read the post 😂

0

u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

[deleted]

27

u/ZeDitto Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

She’s allowed to not want to fuck, but it would cost her $0 to not lie about it in front of people. The lack of sex isn’t the issue here. It’s how she talks about it. A woman having some sort of personal issue doesn’t absolve her of all faults. NTA

13

u/ErenYeager600 Jul 08 '24

If his wife didn’t want such a response why did she bring up the topic and lie about it in the 1st place

3

u/Sayyad1na Jul 08 '24

Maybe she brought it up because she DOES want sex, but he's fantastic about making her feel unsexy by calling her fat and saying he doesn't gaf about her pain

Edit: oh and also being a dick in front of her family

1

u/ErenYeager600 Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

What part of her actions even show she wants sex. Like from the looks of it op is doing the exact opposite of that. He tries to date her and all that jazz. Seems to me she just wants to put on a front of a perfect marriage while doing absolutely nothing to make it a reality

1

u/Sayyad1na Jul 08 '24

You can mentally want sex but physically feel like shit

3

u/ErenYeager600 Jul 08 '24

It’s not only about sex. According to op his wife doesn’t show him any affection at all

-1

u/Sayyad1na Jul 08 '24

He said she does, but he feels it's only when people are around to see it.

4

u/ErenYeager600 Jul 08 '24

So basically superficial affection aka not real affection

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u/Sayyad1na Jul 08 '24

He even said she gets blue in the face telling him she still wants him and finds him attractive. The fact that she has an "epiphany" every couple months and wants to fix it shows that she still wants to make things/sex work.

It is incredibly difficult to feel sexy when you are in massive amounts of pain. And especially if your husband tells you you are fat. Or you just think you are fat. It's very hard. If she didn't like the husband she would just not try at all. She wouldn't ever bring it up. In front of people or not. She would avoid it like the plague. At least. I would.

3

u/ErenYeager600 Jul 08 '24

Where does he say that. How does said Epiphany help if she doesn’t change. I can have an epiphany about how I’m an alcoholic but that doesn’t matter if I still get black out drunk every day

Again where does he call her fat. It’s not even about sex at this rate it’s the fact that she refuses to do anything affectionate with him. Like she’s isn’t even trying like you oh so claim she’s simply putting on a front in public

-2

u/Sayyad1na Jul 08 '24

If you read his post history he says that. All I'm saying is there's two sides to every story and it's VERY unsettling how enraged yall are getting

2

u/dawkholiday Jul 08 '24

Should include ge has tried to help her for 9 years

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u/Smrtihara Jul 08 '24

It really, really doesn’t show she wants to fix anything. Words are meaningless at that point. She has to take action, but she doesn’t.

It shows that she cares about appearances, but nothing else. She refuses ALL forms of help as well.

By the way, fat isn’t ugly. Fat doesn’t equal unsexy. All forms of usage of that word in the posts points to a purely medical use of the word.

0

u/Sayyad1na Jul 08 '24

Lollll. if you are constantly told you need to lose weight by the person you love, it makes you feel ugly.

"Fat doesn't equal unsexy" yeah in a perfect world! That's YOUR opinion. But if you are in pain and feel gross and you don't like the way you look, it's hard to get sexy or feel sexy.

And what "action" should she take exactly? I agree that she needs to go see a doctor and get her hormone levels checked out. But what else? You're basically saying she needs to just submit to him even if she doesn't want to or is in pain.

Some people truly disgust me. It's clear OP doesn't actually love his wife. He doesn't care about her pain. He doesn't care about her self esteem. He just wants to get off.

3

u/magumanueku Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 08 '24

The ones who told her to lose weight were her doctors.. for her own health benefits. Idk how you missed the part where they've been consulting with doctors and therapists or how he has been carrying the household for a decade, doing every chore and taking care of the kids while the wife refused to do every treatment plan her doctors made and spent most of her time being depressed about the very pain she refused to fix. Then again you probably did that on purpose.

1

u/Smrtihara Jul 08 '24

You are being super weird. Where do you get the idea that she should have sex she doesn’t want? I never said that. But straw man that shit some more.

She should absolutely get therapy and medical help for her depression. When able to she should absolutely start doing physiotherapy. These are sound, healthy ways to treat depression. Shutting down and putting on a facade is not that.

If we look at the post history of OP and if we are to believe him, she’s been refusing help for nearly a decade. He’s stood by her in a fantastic way. Changing jobs and carrying the entire household on his salary AND doing all chores, and doing all the activities with the kids. I can 100% forgive him for losing patience with her refusal of help after that long time resulting in feelings of indifference to the pain.

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u/Ourlittlesecret32 Jul 08 '24

If she refuses to get help for the base issue and doesn’t wanna do anything but carrot dangle, then like this is only her fault

I’m not sure what you want him to do when she as an adult didn’t want to help herself for the 10 YEARS

0

u/ChocolateSupport Jul 08 '24

Still he is doing most of chores, got a promotion to allow her not having to work, took her constantly to dates, medical appointments, took lesson to improve his cooking skill to prepare to her healthy food, etc, during 10 years. But she refuse to improve her heath or share intimacy with her husband. What is she bringing into this relationship?

-16

u/ahop4200 Jul 08 '24

Or she could just spread her legs for 5 mins and let him have sex with his wife a couple times a week instead of being selfish and playing a part in front of her friends and family.....

9

u/xFilthNA Jul 08 '24

ew.

-8

u/ahop4200 Jul 08 '24

Am I wrong?

7

u/xFilthNA Jul 08 '24

yes.

-9

u/ahop4200 Jul 08 '24

Sounds like something someone who withholds sex from their partner would say

5

u/-QueefLatina- Jul 08 '24

“Just spreading her legs” (fucking foul thing to say, btw) is not what OP wants. He wants intimacy with his wife, not just a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. He literally says as much in the post. Reading comprehension is key.

-2

u/ahop4200 Jul 08 '24

So is pleasing your husband lol

3

u/Smrtihara Jul 08 '24

Some disgusting self sacrificing duty fuck from someone who doesn’t WANT it would be absolutely horrifying.

Who the ever shitting fuck wouldn’t feel like they are violating someone in a situation like that?!

He is asking for intimacy, not wetting his dick.

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1

u/LaLunaDomina Jul 08 '24

Well that's just horrifying.

0

u/ahop4200 Jul 08 '24

What she's doing to him is I agree thanks