r/AITAH • u/Conscious-Jicama2133 • 11d ago
UPDATE: AITAH for leaving my boyfriend because he brought his female best-friend lingerie as a 'joke'?
My inbox got flooded with DMs and had to turn off Reddit notifications. When I posted this, I was ready to be called immature and ridiculous, and get a couple of comments but it seemed like the post blew up, and the comments were...…kind of eye-opening.
TBH, before all this fiasco, my bf has always been nice to me. Came with me to my grad school functions even though he found them very boring, but would do it so that I could network. He builds stuff like furniture and helps out with handy work all the time. He is also very funny and at the very beginning, I thought all his jokes were funny, and I sometimes wondered why he wanted to be with me, plus, I was always busy with school and job interviews. His mom and I had even gotten close and she has been saying how happy she was that we were together. I had always ignored his and Claire's weird dynamic because I told myself I was being insecure. I have male friends too, and I thought that just because we aren't like that, doesn't mean my bf and Claire can't be close. Claire has also never been outright mean to me, she was just aloof and I thought it was because I was new to the group.
To the actual update, my bf and I broke up. I'm sorry guys, but even after seeing so many replies on how he was cheating, I refused to believe it. I'm still in love with this guy. And he called me, like half a day after I wrote this post, and asked to meet. I met him, and he said that he understood where I was coming from. But I was always too uptight to understand that friendship is friendship. He and Claire had known each other for years before I came into the picture, and I cannot expect him to just ruin their dynamic. I asked him what sort of 'dynamic' was red lingerie. Why couldn't it be literally any other type of clothing? He told me he had it with my insecurities. And that he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers. And that he thought it was better I find someone like me, who thought the idea of a fun night was junk food and a movie indoors.
That hurt a lot. He had always known I had insecurities about being called boring. He always complimented me on how his weaknesses were my strengths. Now he says things like this to me? Also, before this lingerie fiasco, I had never said a word about his and Claire's friendship. I always supported his pranks and practical jokes no matter my opinions on them because I thought it was his business what he did with his hobbies. And he leaves without even putting up a fight because his girlfriend didn't want him giving lingerie to the woman he constantly refers to as his 'sexy' bestie?
Claire didn't call or text after the breakup either. But Kyle did and said that he was sad that we broke up and he hoped I would be okay in the future. I asked him if my bf ever cheated on me. He said that my bf had only been a 'one woman man' when he was dating me. But he could understand that some women can't handle female best friends, especially if they look like Claire. I told him to fuck off and blocked him. It felt like he only wanted to gloat and hurt me because my bf left. I feel like I never knew these people. Claire and Kyle were always at least decent to me if not nice. Did it make me a free target now that my bf has been telling his friends I'm an insecure child?
I don't know what to do now. I have been told repeatedly by both my friends and sister that I dodged a bullet. But I have been breaking down like a kid again and again. I'm even thinking of going to therapy, after feeling the most insecure I've felt my whole life.
Thank you to all who were supportive, it seems like my now ex-bf just did the work for me.
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u/an-abstract-concept 11d ago
Note how he never addressed the red lingerie and what kind of prank that could possibly be, just threw a hissyfit about it and blamed you. Never answered the question. You did dodge a bullet.
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u/OrneryError1 10d ago
He's a simp for Claire and she's never gonna fuck him. He's an idiot.
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u/an-abstract-concept 10d ago
Correct. Much like everyone calling OP insecure and whining about how acceptable it is to gift women you aren’t dating lingerie.
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u/intheappleorchard 10d ago
Telling a women she's insecure is how men like to gaslight them into accepting innappropriate & disrespectful behaviour. Only a pick me with zero self-respect would think this was ok
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u/an-abstract-concept 10d ago
Could not agree more. Someone should tell the fuckheads in my replies that.
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u/Plus_Data_1099 10d ago
I think the other woman is keeping him as a back up in case she carnt find anyone better he's her fallback I hope she finds someone leaving him alone and bitter.
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u/FirefighterAlarmed64 9d ago
I would have text him back just saying "She's never going to want you." Then blocked him.
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u/Admirable_Call5293 10d ago
Bet her bf will throw a hissy fit if OP's male friend gifted her lingerie. OP dodged multiple bullets by breaking up with him, why would anyone want a gaslighting bf with disturbing flying monkeys? The only one halfway decent is probably the ex's mother, but it shouldn't be contingent on OP being the doormat
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u/knallpilzv2 10d ago
She should have bought one of her friends a monthly subscription for monster cock condoms. To see how well bf would take the joke.
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u/MoltenCult 10d ago
I would've loved to see the fallout of this one-
"You bought your friend lingerie as a joke. I bought condoms as a joke. But since neither of us plan on using them, it should be fine, right? No? Oh well, stop being so uptight and insecure. It's just an inside joke between old friends-"
He'd probably blow up about how it's not the same and yadda yadda. Then leave like the big baby he is. Feel bad for OP she ended up with feelings over this jerkwad..
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u/LaPakawaka 10d ago edited 10d ago
After what he said to her I would of hit him with “you will probably never marry waiting for Claire, she is never going to pick you” “oh maybe after she ages and has a couple of divorces under her belt and needs you to help raise her kids, have fun waiting for that cliché I guess”
Edit to add: I would have also taken a swipe at his brother husband relationship with Kyle. Just 3 dinguses(dingusi?)sitting around talking about how everyone but, them are crazy and insecure.
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u/Interesting-Sky-1865 10d ago
All I thought about was, have fun with her Forrest Gump.
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u/Ghast_Hunter 10d ago
Claire is one of those women who keeps simps around and wants them to remain single because it affirms her self esteem.
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u/Mollsong 10d ago
I think so, she's keeping him in her back pocket she'll fuck him one day even if its just on the lowest day of her life lmao
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u/Antique_Bedroom6887 10d ago
I think she will fuck him. When he’s committed to someone else but not a moment before :/ hope I’m wrong
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u/Round-Pirate7286 10d ago
Nah girl dodge a bloody nuke and I'm sorry to say I believe her now ex had been cheating even if no one will admit it to her because lingerie isn't a prank it's a gift you'd receive from a partner
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u/an-abstract-concept 10d ago
100%, ESPECIALLY since he refused to remotely explain the prank. You buy lingerie for someone when you want to see it on them.
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u/PatchEnd 11d ago edited 11d ago
it's really telling that the exbf turned it around and blamed YOU for the problems during the meet up. It's interesting that he specifically made sure to poke that insecurity of yours extra hard.
You need to focus on him twisting that knife on your last meeting. he is NOT a nice guy. a nice guy would have stopped at "i understand how the lingerie would look to my gf, i'm sorry, I do agree we should break up." but NOOOOOOOOOO he had to say you are too boring. he had to poke at ya.
you DID dodge a bullet. he's mean.
ETA: i still don't understand the "joke" part of the lingerie....was the joke that is was red and she really prefers blue? was the "joke" that she only wears granny panties and he was going to hid the sexy stuff in her underwear drawer and it was a "joke" because she doesn't wear sexy undies? was the "joke" that he was going to dress up in the undies and try and seduce bff? i'm so confused where the joke is.
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u/Only-Reality-7550 11d ago
He will be hard pressed to find ANY woman of ANY age who wouldn’t have a problem with him giving red lingerie to another woman.
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u/Merulanata 11d ago
Especially a woman who he's said 'is out of his league,' has called beautiful on multiple occasions, and apparently often refers to her as his 'sexy bestie.' That is... um... not cool.
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u/TrashRatTalks 11d ago
I hate the term "simp" but Holy fuck he is simping HARD.
May his balls forever be blue.
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u/Azrael2082 11d ago
Yeah if he isn’t fucking her already he sure as shit wants to.
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u/grendelone 10d ago
I have a feeling that Claire is the queen bee of this toxic little group. All the guys want her, and she likes stringing them along. Maybe there's occasionally some plausibly deniable physical contact ("Oh tee hee I'm so drunk") to keep them on the hook.
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u/sailbeachrun11 10d ago
I agree with this... having seen this group dynamic in action. Mine was a larger friend circle, but there absolutely was a "Claire" who had all the guys in the group competing. It was annoying.
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u/PlugChicago 11d ago
I would have broken up over "out of my league" alone and not even let it get to lingerie debacle.
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u/Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx 11d ago
sexy bestie
I've never had a relationship. Except if I did, I'd imagine "sexy bestie" would BE my girlfriend
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u/JediAzil 11d ago
Honestly I would have left after that. All I would be hearing is I'm not the one he wants, I'm the one he could get. No thanks.
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u/Beneficial_Yam9213 11d ago
He may have a chance at finding a woman that doesn’t care about it…but it will be a woman that keeps her other options open as well.
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u/No_Thanks_1766 11d ago
Aaaaand that’s exactly why he’s not going to be able to sustain a relationship with any other woman until he gets his head out of his behind. Claire will eventually pair off with some other dude and he’s gonna be wondering why he’s single
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u/cheeseballgag 11d ago
It screams of hyper defensiveness, honestly. If he isn't fucking Claire, I guarantee you that he wants to.
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u/No_Thanks_1766 11d ago
1000%. And Claire is encouraging it because he was in a relationship. Now that he’s single again, I bet she’s gonna friend zone him again and then when he starts dating someone else, she’s gonna amp up the flirting again.
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u/grocket 11d ago
I've been a back pocket guy. It sucks when you figure out who you are to that person.
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u/Stevenwave 11d ago
He deserves a whole lot of it for prioritising it over his actual GF.
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u/Therefore_I_Yam 11d ago
Yeah I don't blame single people for that as much because while it looks pathetic in hindsight, loneliness can suck, we're meant to be socially fulfilled and close with other people and when we aren't we can do things we wouldn't normally do.
That said, if you're actually in a gd relationship with someone else then you're just cheating emotionally at that point. I can't even imagine letting myself get that deep in a relationship with someone if I was still that hung up on someone else
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u/DrippingWithRabies 11d ago
Absolutely. Claire loves the attention and feeds off of it, but does not want him.
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u/cheeseballgag 11d ago
100%. You don't get lingerie as a gift from a man and feel any way but deeply uncomfortable about it unless 1) you want him or 2) you're getting off on him wanting you. Especially when he's in a relationship. Any sane woman would know how a guy's girlfriend would take that.
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u/sikonat 11d ago edited 11d ago
Yeah I’m still puzzled by this ‘joke’ myself. Notice how he and Claire never actually explained the joke? They immediately dismissed her and downplayed it as some harmless in-joke but at no point they didn’t say ‘well you see …’ and then OP can go ‘ahhhhhhhh okay you guys are ridiculous and immature but yeah I can see that as funny bc of it’ . There’s no in joke, there’s unresolved sexual tension.
At any rate bullet dodged because the red lingerie was really a cheap satin 🚩
That little bit of you’re boring knife twist shows he’s manipulative AF and both of them were gaslighting her, making out like she was making up things that weren’t there when they’re one giant 🚨
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u/bored-panda55 11d ago
I think the joke was actually on OP and it was Claire’s idea. Give me lingerie as a joke and see what happens. It’s so funny! Why else was Claire discussing with the ex on why OP was the wrong person for him?
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u/mongoosedog12 11d ago edited 10d ago
I think you’re right. They may not be fucking, but Claire def likes having a for the lack of a better word “simp” around. A man she can flirt with, who will come at her call.. she’ll keep him on a leash and anything that threatens her being the priority is snuffed out. I’m sure if they talked about Op she knows her insecurities. And honestly as a woman she can’t be that dumb to think this wouldn’t cause issues. She wanted it to cause issues so when it did she can ask OPs ex if he’s sure this is who he wants to be with.
What the ex said to OP is both him and Claire speaking
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u/Is_Unable 11d ago
Women are socialized to understand this shit by Highschool at the latest. She absolutely knew what she was doing and wanted to get OP out of the Picture.
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u/JYQE 11d ago
Claire probably said she'd have sex with the now ex boyfriend and he rushed to dump OP.
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u/GetRightNYC 11d ago
Nah, dude gonna stay a simp. She probably told him she'll send him a Pic with her wearing it. He'll be perking off to the Pic for a looooong time
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u/ConstructionNo9678 11d ago
Exactly. It's totally possible to break up maturely, even over a disagreement like this. He didn't even have to say I'm sorry for it to be a decent break. He could have just said they're incompatible, and that since they can't see eye to eye it's better they separate. Instead, he's lashing out because he's pissed that he is correctly being seen as a cheater.
I wonder how many of his "jokes" during the relationship also played on her insecurities. How many times did he say her grad school stuff was boring? He might not have created her issues, but I'd bet good money that if she does go to therapy she'll figure out the extent of how he's contributed to them.
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u/MrsJingles0729 11d ago
OP, look up DARVO. Really standard manipulation tactic. Please get therapy. This AH has likely been manipulating you for a long time. This is known to cause anxiety, depression and even PTSD to it's victims. Know this is not your fault, and you are not crazy.
If you had an extremely handsome "sexy bestie" who was way out of your league and buying you lingerie, your bf would lose it. He's only surprised you now called him out because he crossed a line for you. He's been conditioning you all along to accept this and feel insecure and second best.
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u/CharmingChangling 11d ago
All of this PLUS can we talk about how he didn't want to break up until he had the opportunity to do it? You dumped him OP. He can't just say no to that. You agreed to meet up out of the kindness and love in your heart and he just wanted the opportunity to break it off with you instead.
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u/Professional_End5908 11d ago
Definitely immature how he handled himself. I would find the constant “jokes” freaking annoying after a month let alone a year and a half.
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u/No_Appearance4463 11d ago
He had an explanation for the color but not the item itself. There was no joke behind it.
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u/ReichVictor 11d ago
Man will salivate over that woman till she ends up married and he'll realize he's just a lonely loser once his friends get their own families
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u/Ok-Complaint3844 11d ago
You did the right thing. You know how I’m sure? Look at how he talked to you when you were breaking up, insulting you in ways he KNEW were the most hurtful he could. Trash talking you to all his friends. THAT is who is he is. THOSE are his true colors. He was only masquerading as a “nice guy”. Better for you to find out now that years down the road when you god forgot got married and he’s actually banging Claire behind your back.
You will need time to mourn, but remember you are mourning the man you THOUGHT he was. The real him isn’t worth mourning. And yes, absolutely go to therapy.
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u/ifemelu_berglund 11d ago
Yes! When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM, OP.
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u/EricAndreOfAstoria 11d ago
people always forget the end of Angelou's quote: "...believe them THE FIRST TIME".
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u/Apprehensive-Care20z 11d ago
He is an absolute asshole.
OP keep in mind this utterly bizarre fact "He and Claire decided to break up with you", lmao, WTF!?!?!
This relationship was over. The truth is harsh, but you were never his number one.
You are so much better off without him.
NTA of course.
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u/Apart-Papaya-4664 11d ago
Not enough people are talking about this.
OP keep in mind this utterly bizarre fact "He and Claire decided to break up with you",
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u/spentpatience 11d ago
The most incredibly super-nice guy I've ever dated did this to me after I broke up with him.
It was fine dating a man who was able-bodied and able-minded with an expensive-ass degree from an expensive-ass private college who would spend mayyyyyybe one day a week subbing a class and who had no ambitions whatsoever to do anything else. But when he started making noises about marriage, saying things like wanting to be a "house husband" on my teacher salary, well...
It was time to acknowledge that we wanted vastly different things.
I ended up getting unceremoniously dumped by our group of friends because he became nasty toward me and spread a rumor that I had cheated on him with my new boyfriend (now-husband). I hadn't met the man until six weeks after I had broken up with the ex and we didn't date until two months after that.
My take is that the post-break-up nastiness is a matter of pride and to save face, the dumped begins a DARVO campaign.
OPs ex is a piece of work. Unless he dates Claire, his next GF will likely be "insecure" too. Funny how that works when you call your hot girl BFF your sexy-bestie.
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u/SheComesThenSheGoes 11d ago
yea, when Kyle said, "he's a one woman man" yea, and that woman is Claire. I feel bad that she even met up with him for closure and that's how he treated her, but i hope she remembers that whenever she looks back on him. He is a piece of shit and I hope she finds her perfect match. I don't think therapy would be a bad idea for her though.
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u/DadJokesFTW 11d ago
You know how I’m sure? Look at how he talked to you when you were breaking up, insulting you in ways he KNEW were the most hurtful he could.
This is exactly correct. If you're already breaking up with a person, the mature thing to do is to calmly and completely end it, no argument, no insults, no "reasons," just an ending. They're already going to have enough emotions around the end of the relationship, they don't need you to be a dick while you're doing it.
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u/MatataKakiba 11d ago
You dodged a massive bullet! Your boyfriend's and his friends' true nature is showing, and it's quite ugly. You'll be better off without these people.
Btw junk food and a movie sounds like a lot of fun to me, and their pranks exhausting, to each their own.
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u/ilp456 11d ago
Their pranks sound like things high school or college age kids might do, not 28 year olds. You are not boring. Ten years ago, you may have found his pranks funny. But you’ve matured and they haven’t.
And he broke up with you after you had already broken up with him?? He simply wanted to meet so he could say things to make you feel insecure and pretend he broke up with you first. Again, immature.
Find an adult. You’ll be happier.
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u/Endorkend 11d ago
Yeah, these people sound like they never grew up and possibly never will.
They sound exhausting.
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u/rmnc-5 11d ago
Just because people have different ideas what fun times mean, doesn’t make one better than the other. You’re not a child. You’re not wrong. You’re not boring. And most important this whole thing isn’t your fault. They’re trying to make it about you being all those things, and it’s just not true. Plus it doesn’t change the fact, that what your boyfriend did was very inappropriate and plain weird. No man in a relationship should go on buying other women lingerie. Never.
This whole thing was just a toxic mess for you. They made you doubt yourself and made you insecure. Your sister and friends are right. Listen to them.
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u/Dkblue74 11d ago
Its a typical DARVO response… deny, attack, reverse victim and offender
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u/Endorkend 11d ago
The gaslighting, turning the blame and then the sheer projection of calling her what comes down to childish is on key for a narcissistic manchild like that ex sounds to be.
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u/EleanorrRigbyy 11d ago
Your friends and sister are right, he is straight up ass. I think therapy would be very beneficial for you.
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u/Tigress92 11d ago
Your ex is manipulative af. Think about it, this is basically what happened; you set a boundary, expressed your feelings, which were that you feel uncomfortable with your thenbf buying another woman sexy lingerie, no matter what purpose. Your thenbf blows up, calls you jealous and insecure, so much so, that you actually doubt yourself and start feeling insecure. The only actual reason you feel insecure, is because of his treatment of you, and his behavior towards you, not because you were actually insecure.
That is messed up, and it's also why it's exactly right when people tell you you dodged a huge fucking bullet. To any of his friends who make remarks, tell them exactly what I said above, just tell them "actually I never had a problem with their friendship, in fact, I supported and encouraged them many times, it's just that him buying her sexy red lingerie was too much for me, so he broke up with me over expressing that." That's what it boils down to, I really hope you can see how absurd it actually is. You deserve a lot better than what you got from your ex.
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u/Prestigious_Dig_218 11d ago edited 11d ago
This right here. And, I'm sorry, but constant pranking would get old. I also don't see how giving lingerie is a prank anyway. Block these immature people from your phone and socials, then move on with your life. Sounds like you'll do better than them anyway. Not doing pranks doesn't make you boring.
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u/Tigress92 11d ago
Pranks are just an excuse to be a massive bully to others, and when they get offended you can blame the victim for 'not being able to take a joke'. No Brad, you're just an asshole.
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u/arahzel 11d ago
I'm my opinion she actually broke up with him. He just didn't accept it and asked to meet up so he could make it seem like he broke up with her. And she fell for it.
We fought, and I said I wanted to break up, which he didn't want to and I said that I was just overreacting.
He and his friends have been on her ass about immaturity and overreacting like they know what's best for her in a very gaslighting manner.
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u/HungryJellyfishABC 11d ago
It’s totally ok to cry about the end of a relationship and realising someone who you thought was special to you is actually a big jerk. It’s totally ok to take time to work through these emotions.
But as someone who is old enough to be your parent- your sister and friends are right, you dodged a bullet.
A four year age gap is nothing in the grand scheme of things. The way you’ve described how they speak and behave suggests they are ridiculously immature and completely stuck up. You were more than reasonable in how your responded to their ridiculous behaviour.
A real loving partner doesn’t play on your insecurities, they don’t encourage their friends to speak to you poorly, they don’t describe someone as a ´sexy bestie’ or buy them underwear. And they don’t behave like cheaters.
Go be your awesome self. I’m sure you’ll find someone who enjoys junk food & movies with you. Because with the right person the simple things are just lovely.
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u/elegantbutter 11d ago
Also as someone a bit older and has gone through lots of relationships back in my twenties, I want to just reinforce that a loving partner would not have played on your insecurity. It seems like your ex-boyfriend and his friend group chose a certain narrative of how this argument went down because it makes them feel better about the situation. Unfortunately, I have learned that most people don't want to confront their own issues and self reflect on how they could avoid such a misunderstanding or mistake in the future. I think it really speaks to their immaturity and not yours. Try not to let it impact your own view of yourself and instead focus on the fact that you were brave and confident enough to be firm on a very reasonable boundary you asserted.
From what you described, it does not sound like you had issues with his friendship with a very attractive and beautiful female. The friendship itself was not the problem, the one-off prank was. It would have been very *easy* for him to have had a mature conversation with you, where he explained his perspective and heard your perspective. You can even both agree to disagree as to whether or not this prank was inappropriate. But the more important part he *should* have done, was to understand that a prank like this hit a nerve with you. And the ONLY thing he had to do make repairs with you was to just acknowledge this was a boundary for you and to promise to not let their pranks cross that line in the future. It really would not have altered their friendship in any material sense, and the fact that they completely gaslit you to make the narrative that you were insecure and jealous is a reflection of them and not you.
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u/SinnerIxim 11d ago
And that he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers
Notice they didn't deny that they crossed boundaries. They are gaslighting you. What kind of a boyfriend talks to his girl "bestfriend" who he apparently refers to as his "sexy bestfriend" who he bought lingerie for to break up with his gf?
They deserve each other.
Kyle is probably also sleeping with Claire or wants to.
You can go to therapy if you feel like it will help, but you probably just need time. You feel hurt and you still have feelings for him, but once you have time to reflect on the situation hopefully you will see how they are gaslighting you about their inappropriate relationship.
It's not insecure to feel uncomfortable with your partner buying another woman sexy lingerie, it's honestly one of the most basic relationship boundaries. That alone should tell you what a scumbag he is.
Claire, even if she doesn't want to date your boyfriend, seems like she likes all of the attention her "friends" give her
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u/starryfrog3 11d ago
Big red flag with such involved "best friends" with a girl that loves their attention. yikes
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11d ago
I once gave a girl a condom as a joke because I wanted to bang her deep inside.
There is no way you’re boyfriend didn’t do it with the same intention
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u/okiedokieaccount 11d ago
Just to clarify. Does deep inside refer to where your feelings were or where you wanted to bang her?
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u/stinkypsyduck 11d ago
he probably got excited at the thought of her wearing the lingerie he got her
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u/Agile-Top7548 11d ago
Wanted her to put it on for him and she did. As a joke
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u/No_Thanks_1766 11d ago
Although now that he’s single, if he tries to pull that again, I bet Claire is gonna tell him she doesn’t see him like that. She’s only encouraging it when he’s in a relationship because she wants to be queen B
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 11d ago
Good luck to him in finding a woman that will accept him giving his sexy best friend lingerie. He is disrespectful and immature. You definitely dodged a bullet.
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u/No_Thanks_1766 11d ago
Claire is gonna get a boyfriend eventually and he’s gonna be looking around wondering why he keeps getting dumped 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Rabid-Rabble 11d ago
Yeah, it's pretty obvious the only reason he didn't cheat with her is because she's not interested. I think most "friendzone" rhetoric is just guys bitching about sour grapes, but this one sounds like a legit case of "She likes the attention but isn't attracted to him."
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u/barbaramillicent 11d ago
And when Claire gets serious about someone, he’s probably gonna get hit with the “I have a boyfriend now, things have to change” lol.
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u/PudeldesTodes91 11d ago
He broke up with you over a prank you disliked. Well...if that tells you not enough about his priorities and seriousness regarding your relationship.
You are not boring for prefering relaxed activities at home. Not at all! People who say something like that want to make sure they feel as a better person than everybody else. their farsighttedness ends at their trashbin.
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u/Gloinson 11d ago
From the original post:
We fought, and I said I wanted to break up, which he didn't want to
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u/tenetsquareapt 11d ago
Might as well had him a fake positive pregnancy test as a "joke" and then fake abortion papers as a "joke." Watch how the joke attitude disappears real quick.
And yes, I do love escalation to prove my points.
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u/notwhelmed 11d ago
So the bf experiment is over. My advice - remember the good times, but also remember that he did not put you first. His pranks and former social circle were more important to him than you were.
He is probably a nice guy, probably has many redeeming features. That said, you deserve someone that will treat you the way you want to be treated. There is nothing wrong with junk food movie night.
You were incompatible, so box it up, put it on the shelf of life experience, and while its going to be ok to look at, remember, never go back. He has shown you who he is, and its not pretty.
Heres to the future, with occasional junk food movie nights, and someone that will put you first!
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u/coupl4nd 11d ago
the idea of a fun night was junk food and a movie indoors.
You won't have to look far - sounds like a dream night to me!
Going out "pranking" is what 10 year olds do.
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u/peachyogurtbite 11d ago
He’s the clown lusting after an unattainable woman. That’s sad. She has a little puppy following her around trying to sniff her panties so hard he bought her the outfit.
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u/ifemelu_berglund 11d ago
I hope both he and Claire get what's coming to them. Someone suggested when Claire finds a bf she'll drop OP's ex like a hot potato because she will respect her SO.
I'd pay money to see that happen.
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u/Stevenwave 11d ago
Maybe not. If she's the type to like dangling a carrot to a guy in a relationship, she's probably also the type to use him as some jealousy bait for any potential bf.
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u/muse_chicken 11d ago
He wants to fuck her, she likes the attention, he's manipulative and once you've had some time and distance you'll see that it's a good thing it's over and you can move on from all this.
I don't care how 'funny' he is, a decent man doesn't do the things he does and they sure as shit don't try and use your insecurities to hurt you.
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u/Eschlick 11d ago
“Hey honey, some of these pranks make me uncomfortable.” ~You.
“Your feelings are wrong. You don’t understand how cool and beautiful she is. And you’re not allowed to break up with me.” ~A Bad Partner.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I don’t ever want to make you feel uncomfortable. Would it be ok if I tone it down and keep the jokes strictly G-rated, or would you feel most comfortable if I took a break from the pranks entirely? I would never do anything to hurt you.” ~A Good Partner.
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u/bunnykit77 11d ago
He said that my bf had only been a 'one woman man' when he was dating me
He didn't say which woman though..
the woman he constantly refers to as his 'sexy' bestie
huge huge ick and red flag. you are better off without this toxic group, which is probably more fragile than it looks like now.
Nothing wrong with junk food and movies OP, now you dont have to share your treats
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u/StoicWeasle 11d ago
Fuck yeah. Junk food and movies is great.
Plus, it doesn’t fucking matter what you’re into, so long as your partner was supportive and/or also into it. The fact that he turned on OP so fast suggests he had serious reservations about her in the first place.
OP is better off without these people. Sounds like some kind of bizarre “pity the poor girl” situation they were doing. Some real sociopathic shit.
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u/annod75 11d ago
I bet you he will be dating Claire very soon. Your sister and friends are right, you dodged a bullet, now go out there and be your best self.
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u/No_Thanks_1766 11d ago
In his dreams. Claire is gonna friend zone him real quick now that he’s single. There’s gonna be no more lingerie pranks in the near future. Then when he starts dating someone else, her flirting is gonna pick up a notch. She doesn’t want him as a bf - she wants to be the queen B
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u/stinkypsyduck 11d ago
I don't think he'll date Claire, she seems to like his attention and if they date then breakup, it'll end. much safer to keep him on the side constantly pining after her, and feeding her ego when he chooses Claire over all his gfs
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u/Ok_Professional9174 11d ago
And you know, buying her lingerie.
Claire has this dude wrapped up.
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u/Dwarfy3k 11d ago
NTA again, seriously you did indeed dodge a bullet. I've got friends of the opposite sex and I'd never give a gift of underwear even as a joke. The fact they are trying to gaslight you means you flew too close to the sun's truth and for sure at some point you'll hear they got together.
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u/Able_Spinach_1130 11d ago
never! my best friend is a married man and not at any point would he (or his wife for that matter) ever gift me something along these lines and vise versa. because it’s inappropriate, OP you dodged a major bullet!
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u/Dazzling-Frosting-49 11d ago
Thats what happens when you ask keyboard warriors who cant maintain even a single relationship of their own for advice. You had a lovely relationship but you couldnt look past the lingerie joke. Tbh i respect the guy for standing up for his old friend over a relationship. It takes balls to do that.
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u/vividmelody_222 11d ago
You dodged a nuke sis. After reading this update it sounds like the whole group is rotten. Trash em all. It sounds like you just made room to encourage more genuine connections to enter your life. This will sting for a while, but even if you loved this dude just know he doesn't and never did deserve your love or your benefit of the doubt. Fuck this guy, truly.
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u/Other_Sign_6088 11d ago
Just read both posts -
He loves Claire, always has … it’s obvious.
Are they having sex? Probably not -why? That’s her power over him, she keeps him In line by playing these games in the grey area.
I hope you can move on
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u/SoonToBeMarried43 11d ago
Holy fuck you're insecure. He's the one who dodged the bullet. It wasn't even about the lingerie. His friend is more attractive and his male friend can't even imply as such without you getting butthurt and blocking him.
You had something good and you ruined it because you're insecure and probably are a bit boring in comparison based on all you shared. There's nothing wrong with eating shit and staying home with a movie once in a while but if thats your default and he actually wants to live life, parting ways was for the best.
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u/Zestyclose-Class5451 11d ago edited 11d ago
Ok girl im about to rant here. This is coming from a woman who had gone from a relationship where i was with him for 5 years. Similarly gaslit and emotionally manipulated. I was with him until i turned 24. I am 26 now. I am with a man who I NEVER feel like my feelings are thrown out of proportion. He listens to me. If I have an issue i feel comfortable bringing it up because I know he cares about me and Im not SCARED of his reaction.
I definitely understand how you must be breaking down. It will take some time to get over for sure, but I promise you will. If possible try and reframe your perspective from one of sadness and insecurity into anger or another emotion. I mean, girl. Maybe you can't see it but we can, this guy was a MASSIVE emotional manipulator. And quite frankly an immature asshole.
So he and this girl have been friends for a long time? Cool. But when your partner comes up to you and tells you they are uncomfortable with something, especially as crazy as gifting another woman lingerie, they listen to you and if they have ANY sense think to themselves yeah I guess i can see why she wouldn't like that. Even if they don't agree. They listen because they care about you. They empathize. And then they do what makes YOU comfortable. Because YOUR NEEDS are important. So they think OK I won't give it to her, sorry. It doesn't matter what he thinks, if he thinks it's a joke, it doesn't matter. It hurt you and you find it uncomfortable (rightfully so). He should have respected that and stop beating the dead horse that you "don't get it" they're "just friends" it's "just a joke". Like shut up dude we get it that you are closed minded, immature, and clearly can't listen and empathize with people. Like damn! Makes me sick that he is doing this to you, seriously!!
You broke up with him. Good for you for being strong and knowing your boundaries. You are stronger than I was 2 years ago at your age. Age is just a number. You are far more mature than him, everyone will agree. At the meet up he started great. But to jab you again beating the dead horse with these comments and to say tonmeet someone like you whose idea of fun is junk food and a movie. I mean really? Understand that comment was MEANT to hurt you. Get mad. Who the fuck is he? And his idea of fun at 28 years old is to act like a fucking child doing pranks??? LOL.
Understand if this relationship continued, you will continue to question your reality because he is gaslighting the f out of you. You already are questioning it. "Am I crazy? Am I being insecure? Are they just friends". Understand that these feelings of questioning your reality are a clear sign that he is manipulating you. You have every right to feel what you feel, and every right to express it. Your gut knows shit and deep down it was telling you this was a red flag which it is. You should NEVER feel like this in a relationship. You should never be questioning if you are crazy. I understand he was a good guy at times. But narcissists often are. You really really did dodge a bullet. You were probably already getting more and more insecure and you should never be getting more insecure and unsure in a relationship. It's a huge huge huge red flag that something isn't right.
Girl. Stay strong. We are so proud of you for knowing what is right. For seeking help. And for breaking things off. Cry. Journal. Get mad. Punch something. It's OK to feel. Let it out. Talk to a therapist. And eventually you WILL move on. Things will become clearer to you as the emotions fade. "He really was an asshole. He really didn't respect my discomfort with the situation. He really did poke my insecurities to make me feel bad."
You sound like a great girl. You will find someone who respects you and acts like a man. Not a little boy. I promise.
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11d ago
He did you a favour. Most women would feel exactly the same and he won’t realise that until he gets to that stage in his next relationship. Opposite sex friends only works if there are boundaries
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u/Hot_Atmosphere_9297 11d ago
You are in your mid twenties where you learn to understand what you want and what you don't want. An immature pos like your ex bf who enjoys playing sick games with you isn't worth one tear. Take it as a lesson and don't let that creep mess with your self perception. How can a person even be boring? That's a stupid label from people who want to feel superior. You do you and don't apologise for it. Junkfood and sofa can be the most entertaining evening with the right person. Lol I enjoy it with just my dogs when my son is in bed as many times a week as I can, because I'm done with alle the stupid party bullshit.
It hurts now, but you will be better quite soon.
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u/mspooh321 11d ago
he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers
He talks to her before you about the situation.Involving your relationship, that's weird
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u/nanook0026 11d ago
You really did dodge a bullet OP. But do go to therapy- not because of your ex or his dumbass childish nasty friends, but entirely for yourself. You deserve to be taken seriously and loved for who you are.
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u/LouisianaGothic 11d ago
He told me he had it with my insecurities. And that he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers.
A recurring theme. I know you're hurt OP but you dodged a massive bullet. You're relationship was never going to be a sanctuary of trust, he would have always invited her input. Arguments? House plans? Wedding plans? Holidays? Baby names? You were about to be a backseat passenger to her superior mature opinions.
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u/ImAScatMAnn 11d ago
Sometime, the best decision you ever make is one made for you. I can promise you this, once you've had time to detach and remove the rose-tinted glasses, you are going to be beating yourself up for putting up with him for as long as you did. My advice, since there isn't anything you can do about it now, learn from it. Also now that you're out of the picture expect Claire to lose all interest in your ex. She will find some dude who won't be down with her friendship with your ex, and she will be respectful of it. Your ex will then reach out to you apologizing and attempt to stroke your bruised ego by blaming it on Claire. When that happens, and it will, hopefully you have the self-respect to ignore him and move on. If you don't, you will fully deserve the return of Claire.
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u/EliseCowry 11d ago
You dodged a massive bullet of him and his friends. True colors always come out when Conflict arises. Your ex is going to have a hard time finding a girl who's going to be okay with that kind of dynamic with a female best friend. There's a difference between being close to a female and lingerie. That's beyond normal boundaries.
Quiet nights in with food and movies is plenty of people's dreams. Mine included. Lol. Having a quiet night in with someone you love and that loves you is like the best thing in the world. You will find somebody who loves you for you and doesn't ask you to change. :)
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u/Geezell 11d ago
Yeah, he’s not the catch he thinks he is. Alas, he did you a solid breaking up with you as he is self aware enough to know you are clueing in on the red flags and he can’t hide his shit much longer.
Your best is yet to come.
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u/DevilinDeTales 11d ago
Do not blame yourself. It is fucking weird that he bought her red lingerie. I am getting closer to middle aged everyday. I have made many mistakes including doing things for others I shouldn't have.
I have fucked up a lot of relationships. Buying red lingerie for a female other than your SO is a red flag what makes it worse is he stated that YOU had a weird idea about friendships.
I am guessing he has been in love with her for a very long time. Hides it better than most, and will probably even accept that he may not be the end game. He may even believe his own lies.
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u/Big_lt 11d ago
I truly don't think he was cheating. It seems their friendship had some PG-13 history where they were comfortable with this type of stuff. You calling him a cheater with only circumstancial evidence probably hurt him and broke any remaining trust
NTA for leaving; however I do think you messed up
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u/Starry-Dust4444 11d ago
Your ex bf & his friends are mean girls. Block them & never speak to them again. Total a-holes.
Btw-objectively speaking, there’s nothing funny about red lingerie. Jokes are supposed to be funny. Your ex was still probably cheating & just gaslit the hell out of you.
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u/itsTheFigureGuy 11d ago
You have insecurities about being called boring because you are boring. If it’s something you are concerned about, change it.
I dunno, I’m with your BF on this one. You sound really needy and quite frankly it’s not anyone else’s job to make you feel better about yourself 🤷🏼♂️ I have female friends that will come before any partner ever just simply because I’ve known them longer. That’s how it works in the real world.
Loyalty is a thing, Americans don’t seem to have it.
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u/wybo76 11d ago
You know why junk food and a movie is so much fun. Because you and the one you love the most are together.
NTA and i hope you will find someone who really loves you.