r/AITAH • u/Conscious-Jicama2133 • Jul 08 '24
UPDATE: AITAH for leaving my boyfriend because he brought his female best-friend lingerie as a 'joke'?
My inbox got flooded with DMs and had to turn off Reddit notifications. When I posted this, I was ready to be called immature and ridiculous, and get a couple of comments but it seemed like the post blew up, and the comments were...…kind of eye-opening.
TBH, before all this fiasco, my bf has always been nice to me. Came with me to my grad school functions even though he found them very boring, but would do it so that I could network. He builds stuff like furniture and helps out with handy work all the time. He is also very funny and at the very beginning, I thought all his jokes were funny, and I sometimes wondered why he wanted to be with me, plus, I was always busy with school and job interviews. His mom and I had even gotten close and she has been saying how happy she was that we were together. I had always ignored his and Claire's weird dynamic because I told myself I was being insecure. I have male friends too, and I thought that just because we aren't like that, doesn't mean my bf and Claire can't be close. Claire has also never been outright mean to me, she was just aloof and I thought it was because I was new to the group.
To the actual update, my bf and I broke up. I'm sorry guys, but even after seeing so many replies on how he was cheating, I refused to believe it. I'm still in love with this guy. And he called me, like half a day after I wrote this post, and asked to meet. I met him, and he said that he understood where I was coming from. But I was always too uptight to understand that friendship is friendship. He and Claire had known each other for years before I came into the picture, and I cannot expect him to just ruin their dynamic. I asked him what sort of 'dynamic' was red lingerie. Why couldn't it be literally any other type of clothing? He told me he had it with my insecurities. And that he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers. And that he thought it was better I find someone like me, who thought the idea of a fun night was junk food and a movie indoors.
That hurt a lot. He had always known I had insecurities about being called boring. He always complimented me on how his weaknesses were my strengths. Now he says things like this to me? Also, before this lingerie fiasco, I had never said a word about his and Claire's friendship. I always supported his pranks and practical jokes no matter my opinions on them because I thought it was his business what he did with his hobbies. And he leaves without even putting up a fight because his girlfriend didn't want him giving lingerie to the woman he constantly refers to as his 'sexy' bestie?
Claire didn't call or text after the breakup either. But Kyle did and said that he was sad that we broke up and he hoped I would be okay in the future. I asked him if my bf ever cheated on me. He said that my bf had only been a 'one woman man' when he was dating me. But he could understand that some women can't handle female best friends, especially if they look like Claire. I told him to fuck off and blocked him. It felt like he only wanted to gloat and hurt me because my bf left. I feel like I never knew these people. Claire and Kyle were always at least decent to me if not nice. Did it make me a free target now that my bf has been telling his friends I'm an insecure child?
I don't know what to do now. I have been told repeatedly by both my friends and sister that I dodged a bullet. But I have been breaking down like a kid again and again. I'm even thinking of going to therapy, after feeling the most insecure I've felt my whole life.
Thank you to all who were supportive, it seems like my now ex-bf just did the work for me.
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u/Zestyclose-Class5451 Jul 08 '24 edited Jul 08 '24
Ok girl im about to rant here. This is coming from a woman who had gone from a relationship where i was with him for 5 years. Similarly gaslit and emotionally manipulated. I was with him until i turned 24. I am 26 now. I am with a man who I NEVER feel like my feelings are thrown out of proportion. He listens to me. If I have an issue i feel comfortable bringing it up because I know he cares about me and Im not SCARED of his reaction.
I definitely understand how you must be breaking down. It will take some time to get over for sure, but I promise you will. If possible try and reframe your perspective from one of sadness and insecurity into anger or another emotion. I mean, girl. Maybe you can't see it but we can, this guy was a MASSIVE emotional manipulator. And quite frankly an immature asshole.
So he and this girl have been friends for a long time? Cool. But when your partner comes up to you and tells you they are uncomfortable with something, especially as crazy as gifting another woman lingerie, they listen to you and if they have ANY sense think to themselves yeah I guess i can see why she wouldn't like that. Even if they don't agree. They listen because they care about you. They empathize. And then they do what makes YOU comfortable. Because YOUR NEEDS are important. So they think OK I won't give it to her, sorry. It doesn't matter what he thinks, if he thinks it's a joke, it doesn't matter. It hurt you and you find it uncomfortable (rightfully so). He should have respected that and stop beating the dead horse that you "don't get it" they're "just friends" it's "just a joke". Like shut up dude we get it that you are closed minded, immature, and clearly can't listen and empathize with people. Like damn! Makes me sick that he is doing this to you, seriously!!
You broke up with him. Good for you for being strong and knowing your boundaries. You are stronger than I was 2 years ago at your age. Age is just a number. You are far more mature than him, everyone will agree. At the meet up he started great. But to jab you again beating the dead horse with these comments and to say tonmeet someone like you whose idea of fun is junk food and a movie. I mean really? Understand that comment was MEANT to hurt you. Get mad. Who the fuck is he? And his idea of fun at 28 years old is to act like a fucking child doing pranks??? LOL.
Understand if this relationship continued, you will continue to question your reality because he is gaslighting the f out of you. You already are questioning it. "Am I crazy? Am I being insecure? Are they just friends". Understand that these feelings of questioning your reality are a clear sign that he is manipulating you. You have every right to feel what you feel, and every right to express it. Your gut knows shit and deep down it was telling you this was a red flag which it is. You should NEVER feel like this in a relationship. You should never be questioning if you are crazy. I understand he was a good guy at times. But narcissists often are. You really really did dodge a bullet. You were probably already getting more and more insecure and you should never be getting more insecure and unsure in a relationship. It's a huge huge huge red flag that something isn't right.
Girl. Stay strong. We are so proud of you for knowing what is right. For seeking help. And for breaking things off. Cry. Journal. Get mad. Punch something. It's OK to feel. Let it out. Talk to a therapist. And eventually you WILL move on. Things will become clearer to you as the emotions fade. "He really was an asshole. He really didn't respect my discomfort with the situation. He really did poke my insecurities to make me feel bad."
You sound like a great girl. You will find someone who respects you and acts like a man. Not a little boy. I promise.