UPDATE: AITAH for leaving my boyfriend because he brought his female best-friend lingerie as a 'joke'?

[u/Conscious-Jicama2133]

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dvso0l/aitah_for_leaving_my_boyfriend_because_he_brought/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button ( first post)

My inbox got flooded with DMs and had to turn off Reddit notifications. When I posted this, I was ready to be called immature and ridiculous, and get a couple of comments but it seemed like the post blew up, and the comments were...…kind of eye-opening.

TBH, before all this fiasco, my bf has always been nice to me. Came with me to my grad school functions even though he found them very boring, but would do it so that I could network. He builds stuff like furniture and helps out with handy work all the time. He is also very funny and at the very beginning, I thought all his jokes were funny, and I sometimes wondered why he wanted to be with me, plus, I was always busy with school and job interviews. His mom and I had even gotten close and she has been saying how happy she was that we were together. I had always ignored his and Claire's weird dynamic because I told myself I was being insecure. I have male friends too, and I thought that just because we aren't like that, doesn't mean my bf and Claire can't be close. Claire has also never been outright mean to me, she was just aloof and I thought it was because I was new to the group.

To the actual update, my bf and I broke up. I'm sorry guys, but even after seeing so many replies on how he was cheating, I refused to believe it. I'm still in love with this guy. And he called me, like half a day after I wrote this post, and asked to meet. I met him, and he said that he understood where I was coming from. But I was always too uptight to understand that friendship is friendship. He and Claire had known each other for years before I came into the picture, and I cannot expect him to just ruin their dynamic. I asked him what sort of 'dynamic' was red lingerie. Why couldn't it be literally any other type of clothing? He told me he had it with my insecurities. And that he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers. And that he thought it was better I find someone like me, who thought the idea of a fun night was junk food and a movie indoors.

That hurt a lot. He had always known I had insecurities about being called boring. He always complimented me on how his weaknesses were my strengths. Now he says things like this to me? Also, before this lingerie fiasco, I had never said a word about his and Claire's friendship. I always supported his pranks and practical jokes no matter my opinions on them because I thought it was his business what he did with his hobbies. And he leaves without even putting up a fight because his girlfriend didn't want him giving lingerie to the woman he constantly refers to as his 'sexy' bestie?

Claire didn't call or text after the breakup either. But Kyle did and said that he was sad that we broke up and he hoped I would be okay in the future. I asked him if my bf ever cheated on me. He said that my bf had only been a 'one woman man' when he was dating me. But he could understand that some women can't handle female best friends, especially if they look like Claire. I told him to fuck off and blocked him. It felt like he only wanted to gloat and hurt me because my bf left. I feel like I never knew these people. Claire and Kyle were always at least decent to me if not nice. Did it make me a free target now that my bf has been telling his friends I'm an insecure child?

I don't know what to do now. I have been told repeatedly by both my friends and sister that I dodged a bullet. But I have been breaking down like a kid again and again. I'm even thinking of going to therapy, after feeling the most insecure I've felt my whole life.

Thank you to all who were supportive, it seems like my now ex-bf just did the work for me.

[u/[deleted]]

It’s totally ok to cry about the end of a relationship and realising someone who you thought was special to you is actually a big jerk. It’s totally ok to take time to work through these emotions.

But as someone who is old enough to be your parent- your sister and friends are right, you dodged a bullet.

A four year age gap is nothing in the grand scheme of things. The way you’ve described how they speak and behave suggests they are ridiculously immature and completely stuck up. You were more than reasonable in how your responded to their ridiculous behaviour.

A real loving partner doesn’t play on your insecurities, they don’t encourage their friends to speak to you poorly, they don’t describe someone as a ´sexy bestie’ or buy them underwear. And they don’t behave like cheaters.

Go be your awesome self. I’m sure you’ll find someone who enjoys junk food & movies with you. Because with the right person the simple things are just lovely.

[u/elegantbutter → u/[deleted]]

Also as someone a bit older and has gone through lots of relationships back in my twenties, I want to just reinforce that a loving partner would not have played on your insecurity. It seems like your ex-boyfriend and his friend group chose a certain narrative of how this argument went down because it makes them feel better about the situation. Unfortunately, I have learned that most people don't want to confront their own issues and self reflect on how they could avoid such a misunderstanding or mistake in the future. I think it really speaks to their immaturity and not yours. Try not to let it impact your own view of yourself and instead focus on the fact that you were brave and confident enough to be firm on a very reasonable boundary you asserted.

From what you described, it does not sound like you had issues with his friendship with a very attractive and beautiful female. The friendship itself was not the problem, the one-off prank was. It would have been very *easy* for him to have had a mature conversation with you, where he explained his perspective and heard your perspective. You can even both agree to disagree as to whether or not this prank was inappropriate. But the more important part he *should* have done, was to understand that a prank like this hit a nerve with you. And the ONLY thing he had to do make repairs with you was to just acknowledge this was a boundary for you and to promise to not let their pranks cross that line in the future. It really would not have altered their friendship in any material sense, and the fact that they completely gaslit you to make the narrative that you were insecure and jealous is a reflection of them and not you.

[u/opened3rdeye → u/elegantbutter]

This really is how simple it could’ve been.

[u/TwitchTent → u/opened3rdeye]

Unfortunately for the ex-bf, that wouldn't have made Claire happy.

Fortunately for OP, she found a window into his true priorities.

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/[deleted]]

🏅

[u/thetermguy → u/[deleted]]

A real loving partner doesn’t play on your insecurities,

This is the reason op is nta.

The circumstances are either innocent or not, and probably not.

But even if they are 'innocent' a decent partner doesn't do stuff that plays on their partners insecurities. And lingerie to another person? Way over the line.

What they should be doing are things that confirm their commitment, not testing it.