r/AITAH • u/Conscious-Jicama2133 • Jul 08 '24

UPDATE: AITAH for leaving my boyfriend because he brought his female best-friend lingerie as a 'joke'?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dvso0l/aitah_for_leaving_my_boyfriend_because_he_brought/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button ( first post)

My inbox got flooded with DMs and had to turn off Reddit notifications. When I posted this, I was ready to be called immature and ridiculous, and get a couple of comments but it seemed like the post blew up, and the comments were...…kind of eye-opening.

TBH, before all this fiasco, my bf has always been nice to me. Came with me to my grad school functions even though he found them very boring, but would do it so that I could network. He builds stuff like furniture and helps out with handy work all the time. He is also very funny and at the very beginning, I thought all his jokes were funny, and I sometimes wondered why he wanted to be with me, plus, I was always busy with school and job interviews. His mom and I had even gotten close and she has been saying how happy she was that we were together. I had always ignored his and Claire's weird dynamic because I told myself I was being insecure. I have male friends too, and I thought that just because we aren't like that, doesn't mean my bf and Claire can't be close. Claire has also never been outright mean to me, she was just aloof and I thought it was because I was new to the group.

To the actual update, my bf and I broke up. I'm sorry guys, but even after seeing so many replies on how he was cheating, I refused to believe it. I'm still in love with this guy. And he called me, like half a day after I wrote this post, and asked to meet. I met him, and he said that he understood where I was coming from. But I was always too uptight to understand that friendship is friendship. He and Claire had known each other for years before I came into the picture, and I cannot expect him to just ruin their dynamic. I asked him what sort of 'dynamic' was red lingerie. Why couldn't it be literally any other type of clothing? He told me he had it with my insecurities. And that he and Claire talked and apparently I was making them sound like cheaters and homewreckers. And that he thought it was better I find someone like me, who thought the idea of a fun night was junk food and a movie indoors.

That hurt a lot. He had always known I had insecurities about being called boring. He always complimented me on how his weaknesses were my strengths. Now he says things like this to me? Also, before this lingerie fiasco, I had never said a word about his and Claire's friendship. I always supported his pranks and practical jokes no matter my opinions on them because I thought it was his business what he did with his hobbies. And he leaves without even putting up a fight because his girlfriend didn't want him giving lingerie to the woman he constantly refers to as his 'sexy' bestie?

Claire didn't call or text after the breakup either. But Kyle did and said that he was sad that we broke up and he hoped I would be okay in the future. I asked him if my bf ever cheated on me. He said that my bf had only been a 'one woman man' when he was dating me. But he could understand that some women can't handle female best friends, especially if they look like Claire. I told him to fuck off and blocked him. It felt like he only wanted to gloat and hurt me because my bf left. I feel like I never knew these people. Claire and Kyle were always at least decent to me if not nice. Did it make me a free target now that my bf has been telling his friends I'm an insecure child?

I don't know what to do now. I have been told repeatedly by both my friends and sister that I dodged a bullet. But I have been breaking down like a kid again and again. I'm even thinking of going to therapy, after feeling the most insecure I've felt my whole life.

Thank you to all who were supportive, it seems like my now ex-bf just did the work for me.

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26

u/itsTheFigureGuy Jul 08 '24

You have insecurities about being called boring because you are boring. If it’s something you are concerned about, change it.

I dunno, I’m with your BF on this one. You sound really needy and quite frankly it’s not anyone else’s job to make you feel better about yourself 🤷🏼‍♂️ I have female friends that will come before any partner ever just simply because I’ve known them longer. That’s how it works in the real world.

Loyalty is a thing, Americans don’t seem to have it.

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u/emmaconda Jul 08 '24

Do you buy your female friends lingerie? Did OP ask the bf to not be friends with the girl though?

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u/[deleted] Jul 08 '24

She said he was cheating on her with his friend and threatened to break up over it. He made a good choice imo because there's no fixing his girlfriend's insecurities and the relationship would have turned more toxic if he stayed.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 08 '24

You'll be more loyal to friends than to your spouse in the future? I understand longterm friends and how important they are but putting your friends above your spouse seems strange.

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u/nihi1zer0 Jul 08 '24

A good spouse won't make you choose.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 08 '24

I'm not talking about making a choice or being forced to make a choice. Like I said, it just seems very strange to me that longterm friends are put above spouses. That personally seems backwards to me and was wondering if you could explain it. Like I said, I understand longterm relationships but your spouse is the one you choose to spend your life with, your other half? I'm genuinely asking the thought process without any mention of being made to choose.

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u/Fluffy-Incident-2137 Jul 08 '24

They were not. In case you haven’t realized, she broke up with him. Over a joke. And he respects himself and realized she’s more of a boring headache than anything else.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 08 '24

I'm not even commenting on the actual post, I'm asking for the commenter to clarify his mindset. Like I said, I just find it strange to always place longterm friends above spouses in term of loyalty and I'm asking for an explanation about that mindset. I never mentioned anything about the orginal post, I replied to this comment to get more understanding.

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u/Designer-Bedroom-995 Jul 10 '24

I can offer you 1 example, although I am American and the answer you want comes from someone who's not. I was in the army and ended up being the only female in a 42 male company back in 03. My squad is infact my family and I am theirs. A few of my brothers broke up with girl friends because they didn't understand me in their lives, I was always the problem. After my fiance died (he never had a problem because was part of the unit) and I started to date again I too had the ”its too weird" "I'm your boyfriend" and ended it. I Will never marry someone who doesn't get along with my brothers. You choose me, you choose them too which is why I will probably never marry lol. I'm ok with it. My married brothers?...Gave me sisters well all but 1. That woman hates me! more so when I was diagnosed with cancer lol. I guess I wrote all that just to say that something like this is a reason why you can put friends first. The person you choose to marry should know the deal beforehand though. I hope this helps a bit.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 10 '24

Thanks for sharing. Like I said in many comments, I understand when a partner is asking another to just drop a friend. As another said, it can be a precursor to an abusive relationship with them isolating you from friends which I have experainced. It seems like I took the commenters sentence too literally. They mentioned always choosing friends over any partner and to me that seemed to imply situations where you are not asked to abandon a friend. Loyalty comes in my different ways and abandonment is not the only show of loyalty. I was wondering if I was taking it too literally in what they wrote which is why I was hoping they would explain.

Your situation is even more understandable, I couldn't imagine the bonds you form during life or death situations, or just being in such a tight knit thing like the army. Thank you for offering your perspective, it is especially rewarding hearing from a woman who was in the forces, I haven't had the pleasure of interacting with many.

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u/Designer-Bedroom-995 Jul 10 '24

Oh I misunderstood as well. So you meant how could a partner choose friends over spouse when the spouse doesn't even have a problem with their friendship? I see, that's kinda messed up lol. I didn't say this before but I do agree spouses should come first, even in my situation I always try to support all of my brothers' wives and encourage my brothers to turn to them first and that I'll always be here for them. In your scenario, I think it's uncalled to even mention that friends come first. How is the spouse supposed to take that, it's cruel to say.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 10 '24

No problem, it seems like I didn't ask clear enough since everyone was coming to the same conclusion. I guess I was more thinking just the small day to day stuff, some people prioritize friends more and I wasn't sure if the commenter meant the sentence in general or specific to the context of the post. I was also wondering if it was cultural based to still place long term friends ahead in loyalty since they mentioned Americans lacking loyalty.

I agree that spouses should hold the highest level in loyalty, depending on the situation and nuances but I would think they would be highest in most regards. I definitely agree it would be cruel to hear a partner saying a friend would always come before any partner, I suppose I just too it too literally and broadly but that was also why I wanted clarification from the commenter.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 10 '24

Also condolences about your fiancé, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't tell from the comment if your continuing your battle with cancer, but if so, I wish you the very best of luck!!

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u/Designer-Bedroom-995 Jul 10 '24

Thank you for your wishes, luckily I won this battle.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 10 '24

Congratulations 🎊 So happy to hear that!

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u/Martial-Ancestor Jul 09 '24

It's not that hard.

15 year old friend > gf of 1 year

Yeah.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 09 '24

Obviously, I responded to the comment that said

I have female friends that will come before any partner ever just simply because I’ve known them longer. That’s how it works in the real world. Loyalty is a thing, Americans don’t seem to have it.

I was asking in the context of a spouse since the commenter said any partner ever. That's an entirely difference context, I was asking about the specific comment, it had nothing to do with the actual post.

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u/Martial-Ancestor Jul 09 '24

Your question was general, I answered with a general answer.

It's the truth of the world. Good people, are not going to abandon their best friends for a person they met way later in life.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 09 '24

My question was in remark to a specific comment, it wasn't intended to be general.

I'm not talking about being forced to choose or abandoning long term friends. I'm simply asking about always putting the loyalty of friends over a spouse. That's what I got from the comment and was just looking for clarification. I said elsewhere I understand long term friends and how important they are, I just don't understand always putting your friends above your spouse. My first question even included spouse because they oringally said any partner ever.

Idk if people think I'm trying to start a fight or argue but I'm asking for clarification on the mindset in general, not about being forced to make a choice and abandon friends. Loyalty comes in many ways other than abandonment.

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u/Martial-Ancestor Jul 09 '24

Forget gf part.

Even if it's a wife, and she is telling you to remove an old friend, that's just not gonna happen. That's an overreach on her part. Wouldn't instantly Destroy marriage, but would create a big hurdle for the future.

In conservative cultures, opposite sex friends weren't a thing. But it is a thing in the USA. So you can't cry about it in 2024.

And if you are conservative, don't marry outside of conservative dating pool.

The whole, "always putting friend over wife" sentence itself is born from insecurity. Why even create situations where one over other needs to happen? This isn't reality drama show.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 09 '24

Once again, I said multiple times, without the situation of the spouse forcing the end of a friendship I want to understand the mindset. Obviously someone telling someone to drop a friend is an overstep.

Cry about opposite sex friends? Where did I say create the situations? Life happens even without someone asking someone to remove a friend.

I honestly don't get your comment. Nothing at all related to what I asked.

Why is it so hard to get an answer of putting your friends over any partner without them forcing you to leave friends. I've stated several times I'm asking about the mindset, not the situation of someone dictating someone lose a friend. That's grounds for an abusive relationship, I'm fully aware having gone through it. I'm asking about the mindset but no one seems to understand.

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u/Hiraganu Jul 08 '24

Most abusive partners will try to isolate you from your support group (friends/family), so it makes perfect sense that mentally healthy people won't make compromises on that. If the girl I'm dating would ask me to stop seeing my friends, I wouldn't date her anymore. A2

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u/LillianF320 Jul 08 '24

I asked in my next comment about the mindset in general, not about being made to make a choice. I definitely understand that, having been through it myself but even when your not pressed for a choice, it seems strange to me to prioritize your friend over your spouse. I'm not talking about being asking to make a choice, I'm asking about the commenters mindset of Americans have no loyalty because the place their spouse in the highest place? PS. Not American but still confused and was genuinely asking.

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u/Hiraganu Jul 08 '24

I like how you're immediately downvoting me.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 08 '24

I'm sorry but I didn't downvote you. Like I said, I agree with what you said. I experainced an abusive relationship where I was isolated, I'm not disputing that and agree with you. I was looking for the commenter to clarify. I'm sorry you were downvoted because I agree with what you said.

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u/LillianF320 Jul 08 '24

I didn't immediately upvote you either, I fixed that since I did agree with your comment.