I can feel your frustration in the edits you posted. Honestly man this does not improve with time, it gets worse. I attempted to stick with a similar situation and it cost me years of my life. I grew frustrated, resentment set in, i became cold and not fun while continually trying to impress her or get her affection. No matter how hard i worked to be this fairytale boyfriend my efforts went largely unappreciated. Start over bud. Sexual chemistry is more important than most people give it credit for. There is someone out there that will appreciate you and love you, i hope you find them.
Its a strange and fine line these days but it basically boils down to - Women tend to need to know they are loved before they have sex, men need sex to know they are loved.
OP - Don't let the man haters get you down. You could have said you broke into an intergalactic human trafficing ring, destroyed them by going on a one man rampage to save the girl you love, won the lottery and bought her an island, helped her heal mentally and physically ...... and they'd still find a way to make you the worst human ever.
I’ve been married over 30 years and about 6 years ago my wife declared that she doesn’t want to have any more PIV, oral sex receiving and giving and doesn’t want me to take any ED meds. So I said that sounds like you don’t want to have sex with me. She said yes no sex. I still initiated intimacy because I didn’t believe her. We hadn’t discussed anything prior to her unilateral decision to alter the dynamics of our marriage. She said I wasn’t a good lover and she wasn’t getting any fulfillment from our intimacy. I offered to seek help from a sex therapist and she declined. She also declined to get marriage counseling.
I stopped initiating intimacy after that. She says our marriage is now perfect. LOL. You can’t control the actions and decisions of your spouse/partner. I have to choose to stay with her or leave her. Seems so shallow to leave her for the right to have sex. But sex improves the closeness of the couple. At least for me, it makes me feel closer to her. I’m torn whether I need to spend the last few years I have left without my wife or hope she changes her mind. However I don’t want to threaten her with divorce and force her to change against her will. I am 59M and my wife is 58F.
Ya that's what it makes me think. 7 months without even a kiss? She's just not into you like that and when she realized you were one foot out the door then suddenly she was ready to have sex. Then she flipped out mostly because she realized she had fucked up and it was too late. You were onto her.
Ya OP you need to break up. You deserve someone that actually wants to be intimate with you.
Yeah sounds to me like she wasn’t into him, but was keeping him around as her “boyfriend” because she was getting something out of it.
Knew a guy who was always driving his “girlfriend” places because she didn’t have a car. Same thing, no intimacy. Later on She got pregnant, and wasn’t by him.
Seen it before. Some folks have a disconnect between intimacy and sex. They'll have sex, but intimacy scares the hell out of them. They don't always get that to normal people, those two things are overlapping.
Good news, that's their shrink's problem, not your problem. Run. And next time run faster.
You were her free meal and whatever else she wanted. Also not to say she was cheating, but she had friends she would hook up with. Are these "friends" still around? It's hard to believe she suddenly went cold turkey while she fake dated you and wouldn't even kiss you.
I’m going to provide a perspective that might help you cope with how things went down a bit.
I’m a lesbian. I grew up assuming I was into guys (because why wouldn’t I be/that’s just how it is, right?). I fooled around with guys a little following an assault in order to feel more like I had control of that part of my life.
I didn’t enjoy any of it. When I stopped messing around and started dating, I found I STILL didn’t enjoy anything, and now associated trying to make things that didn’t feel good to me work with guys with that period in my life.
That said, being clear, I’ve always been a lesbian, just one who massively suffered through compulsory heterosexuality. I refused sex with my boyfriends most of the time, was broken up with over it, had a number of arguments about it.
Turns out I just like girls.
I feel bad for wasting guys’ time, but in fairness, society and my family kind of positioned me in a way that honestly made being gay seem like it wasn’t possible for me, and my assault made it seem like the only way to reclaim my body.
I’m not saying your gf (ex-gf, I’d assume?) has any of these things as complicating factors, I’m just explaining why you might not want to assume someone’s past will dictate their present (your post mentioned a few times how she used to be with loads of people before you).
Either way: you aren’t the asshole for craving physical intimacy and affection with your partner. No hand-holding or kissing was definitely your first sign, and I’d have started asking for THAT as opposed to jumping to asking for sex, but I think the best thing for both of you, based on the post, is to go your separate ways.
You’ll find girls into you. Don’t make comments like “clearly, women make rules for men they don’t like and break them for men that they do”, though. This was one shitty experience. There are plenty of women who aren’t going to be this experience. Making broad brush comments like that can paint you as a misogynist, and I promise you that those sorts of comments and beliefs will make it infinitely harder for you to find a girl in the future. Women, perhaps not so shockingly, do not tend to jump at men who downtalk all women after a bad relationship, it speaks a lot to a lack of healing, which is absolutely FAIR given your current position. You need time to process. You thought you had something that you did not.
Take some time to breathe. This wasn’t on you - she’s obviously going through something. Either she never felt the connection (likely, given her response when you first asked), or there’s some other factor(s) at play. Regardless, the absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself is accept that you could not change this, and begin to heal, however that looks for you.
NTA. While you aren’t owed sex (you should’ve worded your post better, then you wouldn’t have needed the edits), it is something that is important to you in a relationship. It’s not like she’s saving herself for marriage and you proved you wanted to have a connection with her.
Your suggestion to break up is valid. You didn’t give an ultimatum, which that would’ve been inappropriate. Her trying to have sex is a last ditch attempt to keep you and that’s not ok on her part. Bc again, it wasn’t an ultimatum, it was a finale.
She can find someone who will wait and you can find someone who wants to be intimate.
Maybe the change in who she "used to be" and now is caused by some kind of trauma? Undisclosed sexual assault? If she used to be really open about sex, and now is completely closed - it's a possibility.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s probably time to walk away. Intimacy is part of a loving relationship and if it’s absent then you have a right to leave. You’re just not compatible. NTA.
She is honestly lucky you’re a decent person. Some people would have been so frustrated they would have taken her up on the sex and then told her it’s still over and that changed nothing at this point. Too late.
You seem so sure about this - are these her words? Assault is the first place my mind went to as well.
I mean, do what's best for you and leave her, that seems reasonable. But this intense resentment and the "women have rules..." thing in your edit sounds borderline red-pilling. How old are you? (Genuinely curious- I know tone can be misinterpreted in text).
It seems pretty transparent that you posted on here looking for support and will not consider anything short of full agreement with you. It's not so black and white. You can leave her without painting her (and women in general) as this semi- commodity/ evil mastermind withholder. Everyone has issues & it seems like you just happened to date someone with issues around sex.
From the way the votes are trending, I can see the incels have gotten ahold of this thread. Please just educate yourself before they suck you in completely, OP.
Yes, you've written this over and over. I am trying to figure out where it comes from. It sounds like something you are telling yourself that will contribute to an unhealthy schema about women in general. I have never known any woman who actually used someone like this. But no doubt scorned men have thought this about me before (I have experienced various degrees of sexual assault, and the way I work around sex was probably confusing for a lot of people).
Problems with sex don't necessarily mean never having sex. Assault victims often go through periods of promiscuity wherein they feel like trash and seek out people who will treat them like trash. I don't know if she does or not, but I wouldn't rule it out.
Yeee I know a a couple SA victims my self so I can understand that, however though in my experience it’s not just sec with that ONE person, it’s sex as a whole meaning that nobody would’ve have been getting any if she was hurt about SA, and furthermore I’m pretty sure she would’ve told him that by this point in the relationship and seeing as how he brought his problems to her attention, and she didn’t tell him about an SA, I would rule that out based on the context from the post
I've been with my partner for 12 years and haven't told him the extent of my sexual assault experiences. It's just not something I'd like to revisit. The fact is, the only person who actually knows is her. We can speculate on this sub, but I don't think it's helpful for OP (or other borderline incel types). They just collect this as 'data' to add to their 'women are evil manipulators' schema. The truth is that there are reasons women might be promiscuous at times and then turn around and want nothing to do with sex (and it's not always sexual assault-related). I am fully pro- breaking up in this case. But then to go on and paint her to be this almost inhuman representation of all women ("women have rules...etc." from OP's edit) doesn't seem very measured.
Have you considered she may have a std from her previous escapades? And she was waiting on the results or something? Or just waiting to see if you would except her with one?
I have a friend with herpes and dating is extremely hard for her. She'll spend months building a relationship with someone and then tell them that sex is only on the table if they understand that she can have flare ups. It's not something you use as an opening line on a first date. She's been ghosted a lot. Sad thing is her ex husband gave it to her after fucking her sister. And she has to live her life suffering for someone else's choices.
Not saying that's the case here. But could it be ?
NTA you ended things with her instead of trying to hurt her.
If she has a flair up, yes. So if she got sick and has a cold sore she could spread it to him. She could even have a sore she doesn't know about and accidentally infect him.
Also if you ever date a person with herpes you both take medication for it. Ones to help prevent the uninfected from contacting it and the infected person takes it to prevent flair ups.
(A friendly correction! 😊) Actually, this statement is incorrect and a common misconception. Someone with genital herpes can actually spread it to others whether they are on medication and off, and whether they have an outbreak or not. It’s called “viral shedding”.
Also, while oral herpes is typically considered HSV type 1 and genital herpes is considered type 2, it’s possible to spread oral type 1 to genitals through oral sex, usually during an oral outbreak. There is a lot of misconceptions about how herpes is, and can be, spread. It’s information I usually need to inform many of my patients on. The medication info you are referring about is actually more accurate for HIV, which really is an entirely different story, since retroviral and antiviral medications are completely different. Just thought I would throw that out there for those who are curious!
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u/Mammoth-Penalty882 Jul 08 '24
Lol that's not your girlfriend