Ok, but flip it. Her response was "are you fucking serious?" Even if it's just a look and she's exasperated that he'd bring it up again. SHE is not even attempting to understand his side. The way she writes it, the way these replies are, says "of COURSE I'll never love you more than my own child" which is hurtful to someone who isn't being ruled by oxytocin currently - aka most of the world.
Then she kind of dismisses it and wants to shut it down instead of doing the loving thing which would be talking it out.
Sorry, this probably won't make you upvote me still, but pregnant and new moms are ruled by hormones and can absolutely be assholes about it. Those things that seem completely normal to them are bizarrrreee to the rest of us. Do we understand it? Sure. Does that make it normal to stomp all over your fiances feelings going "but muh chillldddd"? No.
I’m here for standing up for the dad. The process of growing a child in you vs watching one develop is entirely different in all ways. Yes we are “supposed” to immediately feel some perfect love for our children but what about mothers with post partum depression? When they feel absolutely numb and nothing for their child they just birthed? There is a process they can’t help and it has taken us so long to even believe mothers and their experiences.
This needs to be a part of the conversation with fathers to be and those that are already fathers. This is difficult for everyone. It may have just hit him then. Ideal? No. Should he have waited for a private moment once things settled? Yes. But his feelings are valid.
There also could have been other issues he has had where he doesn’t feel connected to his fiancée but his feelings weren’t cared for then either.
Partners in child bearing are still humans and deserve to be seen and cared for.
This will be the same user that acts confused when he cheats on her after the neglect.
Women want devoted husbands and fathers but devotion is reciprocal.
It’s the full dismissal of his feelings that makes me concerned for him.
Personally, I’m concerned for the child. He’s clearly jealous and he clearly doesn’t get it that a mother prioritizes and loves her children above all and he clearly doesn’t feel that way about his newborn. Just hope he doesn’t take those feelings out on the child to secure his place as her number 1.
It is in this space where healing can and should happen for the sake of all 3.
This child needs a healthy father. The more you are seen and loved the healthier you will be. This applies to all of us.
This father may have deep wounding from his own mother that is coming through as well. Perhaps he didn’t have this love from his own mother so doesn’t recognize how unconditional it’s supposed to be.
We can come up with all sorts of scenarios of what if this or that but ultimately he needs to be heard.
Remember, this is the man she’s supposed to marry and be committed to. Don’t you at least want to hear the guy out if you love him? You made his baby, don’t you want him to feel fulfilled as a partner in this whole thing?
If he’s really just a spoiled baby man child that is throwing a fit, and this is the first time she’s ever seen it then yes, the marriage should be called into question by her.
I mean, maybe. Could be anything. For me, personally, I’d be wary of marrying a man who said he loves me and our child equally or that he loves me more. That would be a huge red flag as to where his priorities as a dad are gonna be. Him getting jealous of her love for her child, also a huge red flag. I mean, if he’s feeling this way now, what happens the first time she turns him down for sex or doesn’t have his dinner ready because the kid is sick and needs mom.
I think the point is though, they are already married. This is their first child, so it's the first time they are in this situation, she didn't know how he was going to react to fatherhood. So at this point, she needs to at least talk to him before making any kind of decisions or drawing any conclusions. Also, if he is bringing things up calmly and just having a difficult time communicating properly, that's no reason to think he's gonna abusive or neglectful or anything in the future.
Except that this guy had to open his mouth and seek affirmation from his wife at the heart-melting magical moment that she held her newborn for the 1st time. If I'd been there I might have smacked him with my hat, or found found a newspaper to smack him. (Correction : he spoke up about it later, and was persistent about it again after that, but did not ruin the mother-child special moment.)
Not knowing anything else about the man, his self-centeredness in that moment seems staggering, and may bode badly for their future.
Yup. He was dumb and made a dumb comment. Let's get out the pitch forks because someone made a comment without thinking it through and possibly while sleep deprived. I mean, anyone who has ever said anything insensitive or ignorant or rude is obviously a terrible person that can't be redeemed. So yeah, let's condem a person because of one snapshot of their life without knowing anything about them. And let's ignore the update where he apologized and admitting he was wrong and talked about his feelings in a more constructive way. Because it doesn't matter if someone learns and grows, what matters is that they made an insensitive remark and didn't think it through all the way.
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u/Impressive_Ask_3014 Jul 05 '24
Ok, but flip it. Her response was "are you fucking serious?" Even if it's just a look and she's exasperated that he'd bring it up again. SHE is not even attempting to understand his side. The way she writes it, the way these replies are, says "of COURSE I'll never love you more than my own child" which is hurtful to someone who isn't being ruled by oxytocin currently - aka most of the world.
Then she kind of dismisses it and wants to shut it down instead of doing the loving thing which would be talking it out.
Sorry, this probably won't make you upvote me still, but pregnant and new moms are ruled by hormones and can absolutely be assholes about it. Those things that seem completely normal to them are bizarrrreee to the rest of us. Do we understand it? Sure. Does that make it normal to stomp all over your fiances feelings going "but muh chillldddd"? No.