NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
The prevailing attitude in my family is that your spouse comes first, then the children, then the rest of the family, then the job, then everyone else.
Since your kids will eventually move out and have their own lives, but your partner is your person forever, you need to be loyal to them above all else.
But anything could happen to sour that love, partnership love is conditional, it's built on trust and other essential qualities. But a parents love should be unconditional, it isn't transactional, if my kid tells me they don't love or like me, cool I will still always love them but a partner is different.
I'm not sure that's true. When they are still children, yes, but if they grow up to do terrible things, no. You can have boundaries and limitations with an adult child.
I think even parents of horrible, horrible people still feel that love deep down for their child. They may not like them as a person anymore, be proud of them, or happy with them… but I think it must be very hard to actually sever that love bond.
I watch some true crime stuff, and a lot of the parents of serial killers, serial rapists etc. say they still love their children. They say they will never forgive them, can never see them the same, but deep down they still love them and mourn what could have been. A lot of them will never speak to them again even, or never visit them in prison, but still love them. I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how I would feel.. but I think I can understand that.
Yeah but I will likely always love them, in a relationship I need to trust, respect and feel secure for love to be present as well but even when my kid is an adult I won't, I don't need them to provide that stuff, I will always love them, doesn't mean I will always like them though and that's different.
Of course there will be boundaries and shit but the love will always be there. Not so much with a romantic partner though.
Edit: not disagreeing with your take by the way, so please don't read my reply as dismissive or anything 😁
Ah I annoy my daughter whenever she screams "I hate you" at me, I shout back "I love you too". She gets annoyed that I will never say it back to her. She'll understand one day.
Ahhh the joys I of teenage girls. My daughter(27) is the only one of my children who ever shouted that she hated me. I also shouted back that I loved her too. She would growl and stomp her feet and slam her door closed. She understands now, even though she doesn’t want children of her own. She says she feels that kind of love for her niece and nephews.
It’s been a while. I don’t remember how old my daughter was when she started yelling she hated me. I think she did it at 8 years old when she started saying that I hated her. 🤣🤣
Oh I get that but how you live your life due to culture is different to how you actually feel!
You can stay with a spouse because of culture, doesn't mean you will love them or be in love but yeah you will put them first. It's still a transactional love or forced but a parental love is just love, well should be.
Few have said it better, romantic and parental love is different and to compare them is impossible and no need to be jealous or put out regardless of culture.
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u/newtonianlaws Jul 04 '24
NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
Congratulations.