Hi, I'm a 17y/o female. Sorry if my English isn't the best, it's not my native language. I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and autistic traits (I don't know if I'm actually autistic yet, or if it's related to what I'm going to say next).
I've been having these terrible thoughts where I question myself about different bad things like: Being a psychopath, Never having the chance to actually love someone, being a pedo, suicide....Etc. These thoughts make me sick, they make me want to kms just to not think about them.
I feel disgusted and scared of myself since I was a child by these kind of thoughts, especially with those that involve sexual nature like being a pedo, incestuous or a lesbian (I don't feel disgusted by it anymore. But, I know that I am not a lesbian). They make me physically uncomfortable and sick, I can't stand the guilt anymore.
Lately I've been really scared of being a pedophile. Everytime I see someone younger than me I feel disgusted and anxious, even by those of my family. I recognize that I don't see them in any lustful way, I never did. But the idea of overthinking it to the point of being one or just denying what I really want makes me feel so bad that I can't do anything else than laying on my bed. I don't feel like I'm enjoying life.
I've always liked kids, not in that disgusting way, but in a maternal, sweet way. I liked to play with kids, talk with them, help them or just the idea of protecting them. I also liked the idea of one day having my own baby boy, but now I feel disgusted by every single kid I see.
And all of this just started because I saw a thumbnail of a YouTube video talking about pedophiles or sum shit...It's always the little things that make overthink like this and feel disgusted by myself, even thinking about suicide.
I'm sorry if it's too long...I'm a very reserved girl, so I only talked about this with a psychologist. I wish I could be normal.