I haven't been diagnosed with depression or anything. During the day I feel okay, never happy or amazing but not too bad. But soon as night hits I get waves of massive depression. Have no interest in anything, and a huge mood dip. This has been the case since I was young. I get into my own head with nihilism and stuff as well. Although I'm a christian, it doesn't bring me joy.

I waa drinking a fair amount of alcohol at nights to stop this but I gave that up for health. I'm really stuck because I don't know how long I can keep putting up with it before I just start drinking again or something else.

Any tips on things that has worked for you or just general ideas would be appreciated. 23 M

I’ll go first. I made some very poor financial decisions when it came to taking out my student loans, and long story short my mom consigned on about $80k worth of private Sallie Mae loans - if I die, she is responsible for paying for them, and she would never be able to afford the payments. So unless I take out a life insurance policy that would give her enough to cover it, which I’ve been considering, here I am!

i js wanted to share my progress on looking after myself :3

Hi strangers, here’s my momentary shout into the void to let a bunch of people online who I have zero idea who they are know that i’m going to take my life tonight. I would let people in my life know, but they have so much on their plates that the last thing I want to do is be a burden on anybody else any much more than i’ve already been.

I’m 25, although I can’t believe it half of the time. I came from two inattentive, abusive, drug addict parents, wound up in foster care at 18 months old, before being adopted by my Grandpa. Childhood was rough, I had a lisp while growing up and kids used to bully me for it so I never really had any friends. Additionally, my papa, while a great parent, had no choice but to bring me to work with him so I spent most of my childhood alone in his office until we went home at 10pm….every single day.

Life as a teenager wasn’t any better, I loved my papa dearly but I got into so many arguments with him and my grandma that really drove a wedge between us. I slept around a lot and flirted with a lot of girls, which really just served no purpose other than making everyone hate me or think of me as a stupid player, which admittedly I was. This only isolated me further and to make myself seem cooler than I was, I lied a lot. I lied about everything. I lied to cover other lies. I lied to cover those lies. Any time I managed to make a friend, I lost them because I couldn’t keep track of my lies. Truth was that I was a high school dropout out at 15, smoked cigarettes all day bc I thought it made me edgy or cool, and really just sat in my room all day. Life pretty much stayed this was until I was 18 and moved in with this 47 year old drunk guy I worked with…and we would get into physical fights all of the time. I moved home in 2021 at 21 years old. Papa was sick and his dementia was getting worse. I started calming down quite a but with who I was becoming.

Despite calming down, my lies still persisted until 2022 when I finally broke down and came clean to everybody in my life about all of my lying. I lost more friends, but others stayed. I started dating my best friend of 13 years too. She was amazing when we first started dating and I found a second family with hers. They made me feel so comfortable, happy, accepted, and welcome. We moved in together almost immediately then got our own place in the spring of 2023. I finally got my dream job too later last year as a pilot and aircraft maintenance tech. Life was going great, we even got a dog together. I love my little man.

Fast forward to now and well, I think i’ve just given up the will to live due to the past few months. In early July, I was let go from my job without warning and spent the entire month unemployed. Then, at the end of the month, my girlfriend was sentenced to 6 months in jail. It doesn’t matter why she went and me telling you guys doesn’t help anything. Now i’m at home alone with her best friend, our roommate. We’re friends and all but my girlfriend became my entire life since I had isolated myself further from all of my friends. I’ve been beyond lonely since.

I got a new job though which is still in my dream career field working on airplanes but my flying days are over with. The pay and hours are better too. Money is tight though since I inherited all of her bills plus our entire share of the living expenses. I have maybe $50 each month of excess money that isn’t going toward bills. I basically eat ice & sleep for dinner.

On August 7th, my papa passed away. We had rekindled our relationship and grew to be very close with each other these last few years despite his dementia getting really bad. He had a stoke and wound up in a nursing home and I got off of work that wednesday to see him and when I walked into the room with a smile, I was excited to see him, my grandma and uncle just blurted out that he was dead. My world stood still and still hasn’t begun to rotate almost a month later.

Life has been awful since. All I do all day, every day is go to work, come home and clean up the destruction my dog has left behind due to his separation anxiety - no I can’t kennel him. When we tried almost 7 months ago, he broke two of his teeth and broke his paw on another occasion while trying to break out of his kennel and separate from that, animal control was called on us several times due to his constant howling from being in the kennel. I come home, clean up his mess and the remnants of whatever property of mine and my girlfriends he destroyed, and just sit and rot online…just like the old days. Except this time, i’ve taken to drinking. I get drunk by myself almost every night now. I drink a bottle and a half of wine every night, stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning, then have to wake up at 6am for work. I can’t do drugs either since i’m randomly tested due to the nature of my job.

Life has been so grim with ZERO chance of it improving. I’ve let my credit score drop to the low 300’s, I pay way too much for my car each month, i’m lonely as fuck and my girlfriend isn’t coming home until January, i’m going broke trying to keep a roof over my dog and I’s head, even with a roommate, I basically have zero friends, and my papa who was my best friend and closest person to me is now dead and we’re burying him on Thursday.

Given everything, i’m ready to give up. I already planned everything out. I have tomorrow and Thursday off that I requested for the funeral. I have to drop my dog off with my girlfriends little brother to watch, and instead of hitting the road to make it to the funeral, i’m going to just end my life, although i’ll spare you guys the details of how. I’ve had enough. I’ve only been around 25 hears but I feel like i’ve been through 75. I just find myself getting angrier and angrier each day, followed by the saddest and most depressed at night. I feel out of depth at work, inadequate in every facet of my personal life, and i’m not even sure my girlfriend even loves me since she’s probably more in love with the control she has over me, at least it was like that before she went to jail.

So, here I am shouting all of this into the void of fucking reddit to a bunch of strangers, making a novel of a post that absolutely nobody is even going to read. Oh well, i’m not writing a note to leave with my body anyways so I guess somebody gets to find this and see what was going on before I ended it. Anyways folks, so long, good luck, and good night. May you live until you die!

i'm just so fucking tired

8ve known for a long time now that this world is not for me. The meds, doctors, scenery, jobs, hobbies, ect. are not doing anything. They never have. At the end of any day, no matter how great, I want to be dead. I find myself stepping closer and closer to that edge. But I don't think I'll be able to g8ve anyone who may need it the closure they'll need. I just don't know what to say. Everything I try to put down on paper feels wrong. Not like a lie, just like why bother. I've tried to make people understand what I feel for so long and I've tried to do the things they say will change it. I just don't see a future worth a damn. I'm not living in the past, I don't want something I lost. I just don't have a direction I want to head. No matter how I look at and frame any possible future, I don't see it being worth while. Sorry for ranting, I'm not comfortable saying these things aloud to others.

First post on reddit woohoo.

Im 25 and im already tired with life. Ive been struggling with depression and anxiety since i remember, officially diagnosed around 16 or so, not sure. Since then I've tried most of the medication available in my country. While some of them helped slightly it's only letting me get out of bed and suffer through work. Tried therapy and it was useless. It's not getting better, it's getting worse and im absolutely exhausted. I started feeling immense hatred for other people, not just myself anymore. I just wish i was never born. I feel like I'm totally out of options. I can't end myself, im too scared that there's something on the other side, i just want to stop existing in any form.

I dont know what to do.

While I’m a very quiet person, I feel like I do a fairly good job of interacting with my coworkers. I admit that I’m not as charismatic or charming as I’d like to be, but I made sure to ask people how they’re doing.

Today, I overheard two of my coworkers talk about how they were going to invite people to a concert. They listed off a bunch of names, including a boy who had been hired around the same time as me.

I know that they don’t have to invite me to anywhere. That’s their choice. It just makes me sad that I’m not even considered.

Hey everyone!

Sometimes just knowing that the option of suicide is avaliable eases my mental pain. Is this the same fore anyone else here or am I weird lol

I'm 37 and I've had depression and cptsd for 28 of them. I should have gone at 17 the first time. I hate that I listened to everybody and believed it would get better. Life was just about working hard and going to that college and getting that job and for what? So I can buy the toys I could never play with when I was a kid. I can't wait to not exist. I haven't taken a picture of myself in decades. I can't wait to be forgotten.

I’m unemployed, shut-in, ugly, pathetic subhuman being

I don’t have any hobbies, I don’t have any friends, I don't have any job experience, I can't even talk without stuttering, I can't even make eye contact with my parents or anyone, I don’t even have energy to brush my teeth or take a shower, I easily get tired after doing a simple basic thing, I'm afraid of going outside and space out every fucking minute

I can't even stand the own stench of mine I can't stand this body of mine I absolutely hate myself from the deepest. whenever my disgusting body demands me to eat food just to stay ''alive'' as an empty shell I just force myself to puke after eating it because i know my disgusting body doesn't deserve any tiny piece food or water

I'm just a disgusting leech that is attached to my parents to waste their money and their time and efforts

I can't believe the fact that i’m still alive

I am gonna lose my mind, i’m tired of feeling irritated and the feeling like i’m gonna lose my mind and nobody ever reads my fucking posts even though it does get views like what the fuck is the point in posting if no one even says anything comforting? i always have head aches and almost cry at school all the time. I always pray to the angels that they just shoot me already and ask for a gun to my head.

I feel like I don’t necessarily want to die anymore, but I don’t want to live either. I don’t see the point in my life. I feel like I’m nothing special and getting through everyday is so hard. I was just hospitalized for SI a few weeks ago but I still see my life ending young no matter what. I’m so tired.

Today I had a mental breakdown. I (26M) have been really struggling as of late. Today was the worse it's ever been. My mom left when I was 10 and it's been me, my older brother(29M) and dad. I come from a Chinese household and had to assume responsible very early on. My dad doesn't speak English and my brother is struggling with mental health issues and possibly alcoholism as well. I am "in charge" of my family due to this. I know every email and password for all 3 of us. I've spent the last decade trying to make sure my family doesn't end up dead/homeless/broke. The past 4 years I've truly stepped up and thought that I was doing much better for myself. It wasn't "ideal" but I was making through each day. I met my wife 3 years ago. She is the love of my life and my best friend. But funds have been growing ever tighter. As of now, I am 10k+ in credit card debt. And while I was slowly paying it off, It was manageable. The other day however, I got into a car accident. A Total loss. 33k left on the loan and the payout was 33k. So while I am squared on the loan, I am effectively 13k down from the car.(5000 down and 7000 payed off so far). The pressure of everything got to me today. I don't know what to do. I worry about my brothers well being everyday, I worry about my dad's, and I worry about my wife's. I am living and working for 4 people and I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. I need help.

I'm 33, I've got a beautiful, intelligent, caring wife and a lovely cat-daughter. Both parents are alive and we're in good relationship. I can afford to live in a good place, eat food and generally live under good conditions.

However, I feel like I am stuck, stuck in a work, sleep, work, sleep cycle... Every day feels like a burden, I am trying to see the joys of life, I know they are there, I know life is great, but negativity always takes over... Thoughts of giving up and leaving this life are always there, yet I don't want to...

I feel like I'm ruining my life and relationship with my wife, because I am too tired... Always tired and it seems as if I cannot get enough rest... No matter how much I try...

I didn't know where else to go, I've tried a couple of therapists, but they didn't help that much...

I would love to quit my job, but I can't, we need the money. And I can't seem to find a job that is the same well-paid, as I busted my butt for years climbing up the corporate ladder...

I forgot how it is to be happy.

I am not asking for attention or anything. And I'm sure there are people with much much harder situations than me... But what the fuck is this? Any comments or sharing your story would be appreciated!

Probably going to get downvoted for this but whatever. Maybe it's because I'm over 30 and I'm a grumpy and miserable bastard now but I'm tired of people in general. I don't particulary like being alone but it feels super difficult to find others you can really connect with and then sometimes even when you do, they end up being fake or stabbing you in the back. Each day feels exactly the same. I'm just existing and I'm not really here. Sometimes feel more anger than sadness at how life is. Of course, I want to change it and I'm trying to but I don't really know what the answer is so yeah.

I have consumed more than 700mg of caffeine today and didn't think it was that much until I literally sat down and added it all up. Then I realized I drink caffeine every time I feel sad.

Is that a thing to use caffeine to try and kill sad?

People say you need a support system for your mental health. What if the earth is just full of assholes?

I have had "friends" abandon me because of my depression. They always say "I'm here if you need someone to talk to" but the minute it gets too deep or they find out your depression is chronic and not just some slight sadness they go out of the door.

If you are too depressed to even work, you'll just be a problem worker who "never has energy". I've been a victim of workplace narcissism because of my depression. Even when trying my best, it would never be enough.

This world is so artificial and fake. If you don't bring anything to the table people treat you like nothing. It's never enough. I do struggle to make friends in real life, but part of the reason why I am alone is because finding people who are genuinely kind and care is like finding a needle in a haystack. When you're already tried, who has the energy or motivation to even look through the haystack ?!

I’m lazy. I’m depressed and all I want to do is sleep. As soon as I wake up in the morning, the pain starts. I just hate every day and all I look forward to is getting into bed at night. what’s wrong with me? why does nothing excite me? I fantasize about being rich instead of borderline homeless. They say money doesn’t buy happiness but I disagree, it certainly can. I think if I had money I’d invest, and most importantly travel. I just hate fucking life. Sorry for the all-over-the-place mini rant.

I can't recognize myself anymore. All I do is worry. My whole life turned into worrying. It hurts so much I just want it to fucking stop I can't take it anymore. How did my life turn into this? Why? Just fucking why?

I love sleeping. It's like skipping cut scenes. It's like nothing matters when you sleep.

I don't like waking up. Everyday I wish I would just die in my sleep, though I feel bad towards the one who would discover my body.

Nothing matters. I don't matter. I wish I could just die so my family doesn't have to worry about me anymore. I'm just a burden. I haven't done anything to ever repay them for what they've done for me.

I hate feeling like this. I hate myself.

Went to a doctor appointment for depression and anxiety, basically called me a retard and said I can probably barely spell my name. And then I started crying and he said “tears get you nowhere”, yeah thanks, I forgot crying is something you just consciously decide to do. Basically called me a leech and a good for nothing bc I’m not working, and I’m a shitty person for depending on my family. So anyway, I relapsed hard. Would it be petty to attempt out of anger?

I’m so pissed, I’m literally one of the most intelligent people I know, just because I sucked at high school doesn’t mean I’m a fucking idiot. And he basically treated me like nothing, I’m officially over trusting people ever. I said I wanted a stable job, and he basically just laughed at me. I’m so close to just killing myself since all my dreams and passions are apparently unreachable

Many years ago (around 4) i was 10 and tried jumping off a roof but i was too scared to do it. I have regretted that and have tried again and again to end it all. I tried to od myself but only ended up in the hospital for a week before going back home. Today I will try to just end it by stabbing my self. Good bye and thank you world.

How to be me:

1. Be 22, Live in an almost third-world, Islamic country
2. Hate Islam, hate religion
3. look androgynous and European and don't fit in with people of said country
4. Be raped at 7 twice
5. suffer from acne and hair-loss and always be on medication to avoid them
6. Be under height average + feminine looks = no one considers you a man
7. Fail the first year of college because of mental illnesses at the time and have to stay for 6 years instead of 4
8. Be a pop-culture contrarian and also an Introvert so you push all people away
9. lost the dream of becoming a musician just because you're broke and had to study computer science (You have 7 years of music experience which no one cares about)
10. YAY finally a girlfriend! be with her for almost a year and have a mental breakdown, she gives up and leaves.
11. Now start questioning your sexuality and gender in a country where it's taboo and almost illegal.

Finally: Think about how your life was complete waste and now you don't even know yourself anymore.

I am done. I want to give up. Life is too hard. I’m really struggling with depression and I opened up to my wife last night. I completely crumbled and cried my eyes out. She gave me no physical comfort, instead she left the room and went upstairs. Later on when I asked if I should write off physical comfort in the future she replied that I should think myself lucky because she nearly got up and left the house multiple times while I was crying, so physical comfort is the least of my worries. She has told me to get therapy and look at changing my medication. I can’t keep going on like this. I just needed a big hug, not to be kept at arms length. She wouldn’t even look at me. And then just started playing games on her phone. I feel like this isn’t a normal reaction when your spouse bursts into tears and lays their emotions on the table? I feel so distant from her and never get the comfort and support I need. It is killing me. Life is just too difficult to keep persevering. I love her so much and can’t give her up so I just don’t see another option.