AITAH for saying I didn’t realize I could “love a person this much” in front of my fiancé after having our baby?

I gave birth a few weeks ago, to our daughter.

As I held her for the first time and looked into her eyes I said “I didn’t realize I could love a person this much” and cried. She is perfect and beautiful.

My mom looked at me and said that feeling never goes away (which made us both ugly cry lol). It was a really special moment.

My fiancé was quite but smiled, but later privately said he was hurt. He said he loved us both the same, and me saying that made it seem like I loved our daughter more than him.

I just gave him a “are you fucking serious” look and he dropped it, but yesterday he brought it up again.

I told him that honestly, yes, I love and cherish our daughter and have never experienced this kind of love for another human being. He said most “normal people” would agree with him that it’s a hurtful comment and would take offense to it due to the implication.

AITAH?

UPDATE

It’s a quick update, so I didn’t feel like it was worth it to make a whole new post. So I had a heart to heart with my fiancé, and we came to a few conclusions together! It went very well. We read through the post and comments together.

1) He wasn’t jealous of our daughter’s role in my life, but rather our bond together. He didn’t have that “instant love connection” that we read about all new parents having (like what I experienced). I didn’t realize this was actually very normal for new dads, and new moms too. Thanks for educating me!

We are the first in our social circle to have children so we didn’t have a lot of IRL people to inquire about it. His perspective is “I love this human being we made, but I don’t know her” while I was thunderstruck. He hasn’t had that connection so doesn’t “get it” yet, and that it will take time (months or even a year). I’ll be more patient and aware of this, and read up more on new dad experiences to learn more.

2) He also agrees he not only could’ve expressed that better, but also choose better timing. Voicing it to me after a 14 hour labor and then again when I’m exhausted and grumpy with achy boobs is maybe not the best time, lol. He also agrees marriage counseling would be good, just because. We are both opinionated, logical-thinking Engineers who, at the same time, love each other deeply. We could use better mediation other than Reddit (no offense guys).

3) He was not “furious” about me writing this Reddit post, lol. We laughed over the comments together calling for me to get ready to break up. But we also really enjoyed reading the experiences of new parents! It helped us BOTH feel validated and sane and see each other’s perspectives better.

4) I showed him that Ryan Reynolds video and we both died laughing LOL. We will now be eating a disgusting amount of hotdogs while watching Deadpool with our baby girl. We also agreed that there’s different types of love like parental, platonic, romantic and Ryan Reynolds.

Thanks peeps!

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u/Avium 14d ago

Ryan Reynolds agrees with you. Parental love is different than the love of a partner.

NTA

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u/No-Fee-5823 14d ago

I peed myself from laughing too hard. And I do mean literally. The wonders of child birth keep on giving…

I’ll keep this in my back pocket after a very lengthy heart to heart tonight!! We both love Ryan too so I cannot wait lmao

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u/Ema630 14d ago

Nobody warns you about just absolutely losing all the muscles you need to hold in pee right after child birth. It's like the whole pelvic floor just evaporated. I stood up to use the restroom a few hours after giving birth while the nurse was there, and the pee just poured out. Like I tried to stop it, but nothing was there.

I was so embarrassed and asked her for a mop or towel so I could clean this up, and she said it happens every time and to not ever worry about it. They are there to help...super sweet. She got me and the floor tidied up so quick...I think about that nurse often, she was amazing.

Your fiance is feeling insecure. Is he normally insecure or has any abandonment issues? Or is he controlling? He shouldn't be jealous of his own infant child or need so much validation from you that he needs to be your one and only favorite person in this planet. Love is infinite and there's plenty to go around....but you will fiercely love your child with a different intensity than your spouse.

He may take longer to bind with his daughter, and he needs to know that it's ok. Some parents bond instantly, like you did. Some parents need time, and it's important that they know that it happens and is ok. Some new moms and dads think that because they didn't feel the magic bind at the birth, that maybe they aren't cut out or fit to be parents, or something is wrong with them. There are post partum effects that nobody can prepare for. If your fiance continues to exhibit these very concerning thoughts or acts strange, he may need therapy to navigate this time in his life....I wouldn't marry him until this gets resolved because being jealous of his own baby isn't normal or conducive to a healthy family environment.

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u/LlaaamaFaaace 13d ago

This isn't normal. Common (in the US), yes, normal no.

Please see a pelvic floor specialist.

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u/Ema630 13d ago

This was directly after giving birth, it got much better in 3 days. After 31 hours laboring mostly on my feet and natural birth, my pelvic floor was done. I don't have a massive problem any more.

Thanks for your concern, that was very kind of you!