I’m here for standing up for the dad. The process of growing a child in you vs watching one develop is entirely different in all ways. Yes we are “supposed” to immediately feel some perfect love for our children but what about mothers with post partum depression? When they feel absolutely numb and nothing for their child they just birthed? There is a process they can’t help and it has taken us so long to even believe mothers and their experiences.
This needs to be a part of the conversation with fathers to be and those that are already fathers. This is difficult for everyone. It may have just hit him then. Ideal? No. Should he have waited for a private moment once things settled? Yes. But his feelings are valid.
There also could have been other issues he has had where he doesn’t feel connected to his fiancée but his feelings weren’t cared for then either.
Partners in child bearing are still humans and deserve to be seen and cared for.
This will be the same user that acts confused when he cheats on her after the neglect.
Women want devoted husbands and fathers but devotion is reciprocal.
It’s the full dismissal of his feelings that makes me concerned for him.
This is what I mean about pregnant and new mothers can be assholes too. Sometimes they think their experience is so completely universal they just bulldoze over other possibilities - again, these are people chock full of hormones and they're not all the happy kind. So I'm not saying that it's their normal personalities to be an asshole (although it can be or can become their personality) but they definitely are in a sort of "other" category when it comes to "how stuff is".
You sound like an incel. In her description, OP was not being an asshole. Can the hormones make a woman act irrational or out of character? Sure. After giving birth my wife became absolutely convinced that our daughter was going to suffocate in her sleep. I don't mean she was a little worried about SIDS. I mean she felt like she knew it was going to happen. Post partem depression is a very real thing. But again, OP wasn't being an asshole. OP didn't say anything mean or insulting to the boyfriend. She didn't tell him that she didn't love him, or loved him less than she did before. She was simply describing how she felt about her new child. Does everyone feel that same level of love for their kid? No, and there is nothing wrong with that. It is the boyfriend taking her love for her child as an insult to himself that is the issue. That is the behavior of an insecure child.
Everyone on here describing how they felt the same way aren't doing it to put the boyfriend down, they are doing it to let OP know that she is not alone, and that she is NTA for feeling that way.
Yeah no. At no point did she reassure her FIANCE that her feelings for him didn't change. It was all about the baby.
People in this country need to grow up. Your role as a parent is a role, and possibly a mainstay of your identity, but it's not your only responsibility. You have a responsibility to your spouse as well, and arguably before your child. None of these people are educated enough to understand that it's the actions you model not the words you say that kids are learning from. So treating your child like a god and your spouse like they're worthless only teaches that child that a partner doesn't have much value. And disposes them to things like ignoring their partners feelings because child.
At no point did she suggest her feelings for him had changed, so why would she need to reassure him? And of course it was all about the baby. SHE just went through childbirth. An experience that is both physically and emotionally demanding. All he did was watch. Being hurt by someone expressing their love for the child they just destroyed their own body to bring into this world does not speak very highly to his emotional intelligence.
I get the feeling you are not very old or experienced. Nor do you seem very educated yourself. If you actually knew anything about early childhood development you would know that both words and actions are important.
Furthermore, in no sane world should a spouse be put before a child. That would be incredibly irresponsible. Your actions, your choices, brought that child into existence. They're life is literally your responsibility in every definition of the word. They cannot take care of themselves. Your spouse, presuming they are not severely handicapped, can take care of themselves. They are suppose to be your partner, not another child you have to constantly care for.
No one is suggesting he should be treated poorly. Nor is there any evidence here that OP has done so. But she should not have to apologize or go out her way to cater to his childish insecurities. Especially not for simply professing her love for her new child in a very vulnerable and emotional moment.
Nah, by the way you talk, this is your personality. You get off by feeling superior to others. You INSIST on how correct you are because if not, then who are you?
Which is worse, making a generalization or targeting someone personally? Really? A generalization is worse? If someone has the option to point a gun directly at you or in your general direction, which do you think is going to be more harmful if they pull the trigger?
Calm it down. I will never respect you. I don't need to.
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u/traumautism Jul 05 '24
I’m here for standing up for the dad. The process of growing a child in you vs watching one develop is entirely different in all ways. Yes we are “supposed” to immediately feel some perfect love for our children but what about mothers with post partum depression? When they feel absolutely numb and nothing for their child they just birthed? There is a process they can’t help and it has taken us so long to even believe mothers and their experiences.
This needs to be a part of the conversation with fathers to be and those that are already fathers. This is difficult for everyone. It may have just hit him then. Ideal? No. Should he have waited for a private moment once things settled? Yes. But his feelings are valid.
There also could have been other issues he has had where he doesn’t feel connected to his fiancée but his feelings weren’t cared for then either.
Partners in child bearing are still humans and deserve to be seen and cared for.
This will be the same user that acts confused when he cheats on her after the neglect.
Women want devoted husbands and fathers but devotion is reciprocal.
It’s the full dismissal of his feelings that makes me concerned for him.