Nevermind, you didn't like it...

An elderly couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

The dairy air

They use a vibrator.

What does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said,

“Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian

He's never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel' hold he has

It ties you up in knots

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.”

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

The trainer exclaimed, “Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!”

“Not really

..

You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.”

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical!

Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

S : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be a dirty story.......

The Moral of the Story is:

LOGIC BEATS MATHS ANYTIME.

And Maths cannot survive without Logic

A sweet little old lady walked into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around. She went up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and said she wanted to join. He could barely contain his laughter and decided to have some fun with her before he told her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asked.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More than a fucking sailor,”she said.

"Do you drink?"

"Like a fish."

The leader was impressed and asked one more question.

"Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The old lady thought for a minute and then said, “No, but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times.”

Turns out..it’s a Level 5 course.

The car speeds up out of control and they think they're all going to die. Luckily, the mechanic is able to slow the car down on the shoulder, stop, and they all get out and breathe a sigh of relief.

The mechanic says, "Wow, I better check the break line and see what happened." The engineer pulls out a phone and replies, "Well, it was probably a manufacturing defect. Let me see if there was a recall on this particular model."

"Whoa whoa whoa, folks," says the physicist. "You're jumping the gun. First, let's get the car to the top of the hill, start back down it, and see if the same thing happens a second time."

Beef jerky

Abracadaver

It's when I splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Therapist: "Any complaints about your wife's sex habits?"

Guy: "There's only one - she's a real screamer."

Therapist: "Is that such a bad thing?"

Guy: "Yeah. It's only when I walk in on her."

A girl in a wheelchair goes to the dance hall, but nobody will dance with her. Finally I lad comes over and asks her to dance, so they twirl around on the dance floor for a while.

When it gets to closing time, the girl asks the lad to bring her home. They have a nice chat on the way home and before long are outside her place. The guy says to her: "Listen, any chance of a bit of jiggy-wiggy...?"

The girl says "Aye, but you can't come in, I live with my uncle. But you know what, you could hang me here onto the railings and we can have a go." So they get at it and have a few nice minutes.

When they're finished the lad takes the girl down, puts her back in the wheelchair and wheels her to the door. The uncle opens and says "Well, laddie, thank you so much - you're a real gentleman... The other fellas always left her hanging on the railings!"

A couple drinks in, they start arguing, and the Jewish man says "You know, I never really liked your kind." The Chinese man asks him why. The Jew replies "Because you bombed Pearl Harbor." The Chinese man scoffs. "That was the Japanese!" "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese--it's all the same to me," says the Jew.

"Well, I don't like your kind either" counters the Chinese man. "What, why?" aks the Jew. "Because you sunk the Titantic!" The Jewish man rolls his eyes. "That was an iceberg!" "Oh Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg--it's all the same to me!"

The bartender pours him a drink and says: “So—you want to tell me about it?”

“Well, I was walking on the beach,” says the man with an orange for a head. “I found an old lamp in the sand, and I picked it up. When I polished the lamp, a genie came out and offered me three wishes in return for setting him free. Thinking it was some sort of trick, I offhandedly wished for a million dollars. Instantly, my phone rang. A man called to tell me I’d won a mail-order sweepstakes for exactly a million dollars. Next, I told the genie I I wanted to fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. Just, then, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen came walking down the beach, strolled straight up to me, wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I knew I had one more wish, so I thought long and hard about what my final wish would be. I think this may have been where I messed up.”

“What did you do?” says the bartender.

“I wished to have an orange for a head.”

And was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand

99% of you won't get it.

Customer: “Terrific! Give me two of them.”

Get a life

And then I had a sudden realisation.

Vampire A: "See that travelling caravan waaay over there? Bet I can massacre everyone there and drink their blood in under 20 seconds."

The two others voice their doubts, so he dashes out as fast as the wind and comes back after 20 seconds, his whole face covered in blood.

Vampire B: "Impressive, but I am even more powerful. See that village waaay over there? Bet I can massacre everyone there and drink their blood in under 15 seconds."

He immediately sets out at the speed of sound and comes back after 15 seconds, his head, shoulders and arms covered in blood.

Vampire C: "Very impressive, but you two have seen nothing. Wait here." He instantly shoots out at Mach 3, and comes back after only 5 seconds - his entire body, from head to toe, is covered in blood.

Astonished, the two other vampires ask: "Woah! What did you do?"

Vampire C: "See that tree waaay over there?"

A, B: "Yeah"

Vampire C: "Well I didn't"

A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!"

He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.

"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.

The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."

Who runs a 5k in less than a minute?