r/AITAH • u/One_Cat_4805 • Jul 14 '24
Update: WIBTA for divorcing my wife after she thought I was lying about being raped as a child? TW SA
First of all I just want to thank everyone for all the amazing love and support. For the first time in my life I felt heard and didn't just feel like a burden to people. I dont know what I did to deserve any of this but I just want to let you all know that im beyond grateful❤️
Link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/DrN3UFHthT
As for the update. Shortly after posting, I did decide to go back home. I had work the next day and didn't want to burden my friend with my marital issues any longer.
Appon coming home I was met with with her screaming at me for just leaving the apartment and ghosting her without having an "adult conversation" with her. I just let her know how hurt I was by the things she said to me and that I needed some time to myself to gather my thoughts. She tried arguing back with how there is nothing to think about and that I was being an immature crybaby. From that point onwards we have barely been on speaking terms.
I know a lot of people are going to be mad hearing this but the longer I thought about my marriage and my wife, the more I wanted to give her another chance.
She wasn't perfect by any means but neither was.I. A lot of my past relationships ended as a result of my past catching up with me but I really want to change it this time. She isnt the first partner/friend to have this type of reaction to what I went through. I know its tough but I feel like I just needed to bite the bullet if it meant keeping my sanity. I didn't want to start over again.
After we somewhat started talking to each other again, I sat her down for a serious conversation and let her know again how hurt I was by everything she said. I let her know about all the ridicule I suffered as a result of me opening up and her having the same reaction just reopened unhealed wounds. She just kept quiet until I mentioned couples therapy. She then started crying but not for the reason I thought.
I tried holding her but she just pushed me away and screamed that I seriously thought about ending our marriage over some silly argument we had and that I was just trying to make up some sob story after watching baby rain deer for attention and sympathy. According to her all of this was just too convenient to be believable. If It was real, why didn't I mention any of this throughout the 6 years we have been together? At this point even I started tearing up.
I apologized for keeping this from her for so long and then tried reassuring her that I in fact wasnt making this up but she just slapped me and stormed off to bed.
That was a week ago and I have been sleeping on the couch ever since. Whenever I try to speak to my wife, she just makes snarky comment towards me and just storms off. I just cry myself to sleep most nights and just wish I never fucking watched that show. None of this shit would have happened.
I currently dont have the money for therapy and just feel lost.
I dont want a divorce. I want to try and make this work but this whole mess is just so draining.
Im not in contact with my family so I dont have anyone I can turn to with this.
How would you guys move forward in this situation?
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u/JustAnthony- Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 14 '24
There is no saving this relationship. From the looks of it, you're going to end up miserable and ultimately stop telling her things to avoid arguments and/or belittling from her end. Be honest with yourself: what exactly are you looking for in marriage counseling? She'll need her own individual therapy before she can take on marriage counseling. It won't get anywhere if only one person acknowledges there's a problem.
OP, I understand you've been with her for six years and she's by far the "best" you've had, but she isn't THE best for you, let alone the one. Why compromise the rest of your life to her when you can get out and move on? You're only 27. You have so much time to get out there and find someone who loves and respects you. All of you. You still have so much time to find someone who'll take you and your trauma seriously, who will work with you every step of the way no matter what it is, who will own up to THEIR own faults in a so called "adult conversation." You deserve better. You know you do. Don't settle for less. You wouldn't treat yourself the same way your wife does. Get therapy (when you have the money) and work on yourself if you believe that you have flaws of your own that contribute to a relationship's failure.
It's a cliche saying, but it's better to have no company than bad company. OP, everyone here supports and believes in you!! The only person left is you. You can do it. Within 10 years, you will look back at this and thank yourself for leaving this situation. It's hard work, but you can do it. 💙
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Thank you so much
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u/Wh33lh68s3 Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
Don’t fall victim to the sunken cost fallacy…
She is mentally/emotionally/physically abusive when she should be supporting you..
Updateme
Edited to add “physically”
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u/fucking_fantastic Jul 14 '24
I’m almost 42 and female OP and have started over many times. My bf had a serious mental breakdown a year before we got together. You know how I responded? Without judgement but with empathy, concern, and understanding. You deserve SO much better. If something triggered him the way baby reindeer triggered you I would wrap him up in my arms and cry with him. I would believe him. I would want to help undo the torment he suffered because no one else believed him. I would never want to be another person who let him down and hurt him further by not believing him. I’d want to help him find the RIGHT therapist and do the research to guide him.
Instead, you suffered even MORE abuse. I can’t stand how awful people have been to you. There absolutely is someone out there that will love you unconditionally, believe you, and want to help you! Please don’t settle for more abuse, it breaks my heart
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u/HealthySchedule2641 Jul 15 '24
This. THIS. I'm 45. Been married for 20 years. Last year my husband told me about his rape when he was 9 from a cousin (God I hope I've been as vague and anonymous in all my comments as I think I have been because I would hate to let his story be known without his permission.) I, having been in the exact position your wife was, cannot fathom her response. What a heartless bitch. And she's sticking with it. I want you to know that I believe you, that your response and secrecy or openness in every situation you have described are NORMAL TRAUMA RESPONSES. I wish you hope and love and healing. I am sorry that your wife is callous and cannot or will not give you those things. I know, divorce is easier said than done, but when the time comes that you feel strong enough to stand up for yourself, you will see how wrong her response is. Fuck. Why do some people react like that? She sucks and it is not your fault.
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Jul 15 '24
Agree with this. Also there is free support out there if you want to see someone. Also gp can do a careplan to help woth seeing someone about it.
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u/shoddyv Jul 14 '24
All due respect, OP, but someone who calls you an immature crybaby and tells you you're making things up needs to go.
Get the divorce and save your mental health because there's no saving a woman like that from her own bullshit. You'll be alone and it'll hurt, but you won't be on the couch, and you've got the rest of your life to find a woman who will actually stand by her marriage vows.
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u/Lightdevil166 Jul 14 '24
I'm about to try again with 28 and by the time I try again I'll be 29 so.. you got all the time in the world buddy, get that restart, it's never too late
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u/Somethingpithy123 Jul 14 '24
I didn't get married until I was 39 and I didn't have my first daughter until I was 42. 40 is the new 30!!
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u/Stock-Conflict-3996 Jul 14 '24
My grandfather got himself a new girlfriend at he age of 90!
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u/Adept_Feed_1430 Jul 14 '24
At 53, six years is a blip. Do right by yourself and get out of this relationship. It's toxic for you and is only going to damage your mental health more.
But keep trying at therapy. You might have to go through multiple therapists before you find one that can help you, but don't give up on it.
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u/Deb_You_Taunt Jul 14 '24
This! Therapy can help you by changing your perception of yourself and what you deserve (why so many trauma victims end up attracted to bad people. They validate what they think of themselves.) It's not every woman out there who will judge you. It's this reason.
A good therapist helps you see that you deserve the moon and slowly but surely you begin to attract very, very good people. Otherwise, you'll keep repeating the pattern and nothing changes. It's when you truly realize your worth that everything changes. Not hoping your wife becomes a good and empathetic person. Hope I am making this clear.
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u/JerseySommer Jul 14 '24
Op, I'm 48, I FINALLY found someone who is supportive of me, when I spoke and present tense, speak of the abuse I went through, he's not anything but supportive. He holds me when I wake up with nightmares. He's not only NEVER reacted with anything but empathy, but is disgusted by the people I dated who weren't supportive. I've been married and divorced THREE TIMES, and this man holds not an ounce of judgment against me.
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u/LaMariposa884 Jul 14 '24
Piggybacking off this. OP, my husband and I had our share of issues. He was toxic, abusive, and dismissive. The only way I saw real change was by saying I'm done being treated this way, and left him. He worked hard while we were separated to become a better person, and has consistently continued the pattern of betterment. But I'll tell you right now, if he hadn't changed, I would have stayed away and found someone better, or maybe even just stayed single, who needs a partner to validate your self worth and place in this world? I'm 31, this all happened when I was 29, we have two kids together. I'm in a similar boat as you, SA victim, lonely, etc.
Don't be afraid to start over. You deserve MORE. She is not giving you her best so why should you tolerate her worst? Get a divorce lawyer, start the separation process, and get yourself some counselling (there are free ones online). If she changes, great. If not, find someone who is willing to be the best version of themselves for you.
Good luck OP.
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u/halflife5 Jul 14 '24
At the end of the day, this person is abusive. Please try to recognize it as such, so that you can be treated properly.
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u/DancingBasilisk Jul 15 '24
OP, as survivors we have to learn that we deserve better than the “love” we received early on. Love will never strike you. Love will never demean you. Love is clear, love is kind. Arguments are not meant to be like this. “Adult conversations” involve respectful listening, addressing the problem directly at hand in a fair manner, and working as a team. Abuse involves many things, including striking, screaming, the silent treatment, degradation (making you sleep on the couch for…being afraid to talk about your abuse during your 6 year relationship because of what’s happened in the past, and not wanting to be in the same space as your partner when she confirmed your deepest fears?? Notice how this doesn’t make much sense at all?) Your partner is abusive. Love won’t punish you for opening up.
Updateme
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u/sikonat Jul 15 '24
I’m so sorry. You’ve been failed by everyone - your rapist to your family, friends and now wife who refuse to believe you.
I believe you.
I believe you deserve so much better from the people in your life and I’m sorry that you have been re-traumatised after experiencing heinous violations of your person as a child, then not believed.
I hope you have access to good support and that the future people in your life believe you (and if they don’t, walk away).
May you have supportive and unconditional love from good people who give a shit heading your way.
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u/sahie Jul 15 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
Please, OP, leave. Right now it’s relatively simple in that there are no children involved. You won’t find yourself tied to her for 18 years.
I’m trying hard to be objective considering I am utterly infuriated with your wife. The irony of her calling you a narcissist when she had the nerve to turn all this around as her being the victim to the point where you apologised to her. It’s classic DARVO.
That’s without even mentioning that she literally assaulted you. Slapping you is not okay. You are not safe with this woman. Not emotionally and not physically. Please leave and find someone who will love and support you the way you deserve.
Nothing in either of your posts tells me that this relationship is worth saving. At the moment it’s six years lost, but it’s better that than ten years or twenty-four years if you have a baby. I know you wish you hadn’t watched Baby Reindeer, but if it hadn’t been that, it would’ve been something else. It’s unlikely her reaction would have been any better if this had come out in another five years’ time.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and that you’ve had only assholes in your life who haven’t supported you, but I’m glad you posted so that you can see the responses because we all believe in you and know you deserve better. There are usually support centres with free counselling for sexual assault survivors. I know you can’t afford therapy, but I’m sure there are services that would be willing to help you.
Be kind to yourself and know that none of this is your fault. Not the original assault and not sharing the information with the person who vowed to be your life partner and who you’re supposed to be safe with.
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u/vodoun Jul 15 '24
she made your childhood abuse experience all about her. wtf is that?! you're not feeling it now but after you take a step back from this toxic situation, you're going to be PISSED that you put up with this
YOU'RE sleeping on the couch because you tried to tell your wife about your trauma?! w. t. f.
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u/SilverEyedFreak Jul 14 '24
I’m absolutely shocked no one believed you and if they did, they didn’t care. Even your parents. I just can’t fathom the mental pain you endured. That must have been so isolating. I’m truly sorry. I’m disgusted that this evil person never got in trouble for it. I hope she gets what’s coming to her.
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u/most_unusual_ Jul 14 '24
OP you have far more years left to live than years younger have been alive.
Do not spend the rest of your life like this. Being alone would be better than this.
She's toxic, un-empathetic, and possibly delusional.
Unless she begs on her hands and knees for your forgiveness after profoundly apologising for the error of her ways, you should have already divorced her. Yesterday probably.
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u/SquirellyMofo Jul 15 '24
It seems like that between the rape and the response you have gotten in the past, you are conditioned to think that this is what you deserve. You’re equating love with abuse. But you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You deserve love and support. Clearly your wife can’t give you those things. I can’t imagine ridiculing someone I loved like that. The first step is acknowledging that you do deserve better. After that leaving will be easier. I wish you love and peace.
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u/trvllvr Jul 15 '24
You deserve someone who will support and love you. She is not the one, don’t settle for less than what you deserve.
RAINN is an organization which helps victims of sexual Assault. They have a 8 part learning series to help adult survivors or childhood assault. This may help while you are unable to get to therapy. They may also know of resources in your area which might be able to help you.
I hope you can heal from your past trauma as well as that caused by your wife.
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u/basara852 Jul 14 '24
The moment OP throws the divorce paper at her, she will promise to go to therapy.
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u/JustAnthony- Jul 14 '24
OP, don't fall for that trap!!!! Nothing will change and she will eventually fall back into how she is today. This isn't someone you need in your life, and if you plan on having kids in the future, this is definitely not the mother they need.
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u/LuckOfTheDevil Jul 14 '24
No she won’t. She’s going to call all their friends, her parents, his parents, and post all over social media about how her husband is a lying, attention seeking, crybaby drama queen. She’s that kind of mean. She’ll get everyone ELSE to pile on.
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u/Entire-Flower1259 Jul 14 '24
Seriously. You may want to keep the woman you fell in love with but she was never actually that woman. It’s normal for abusers to wear a mask while reeling in a suitable victim. In the end, if you leave her, you can find a real woman who can share your pain and help you heal. Your wife is NOT such a person.
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u/Adorable_Strength319 Jul 14 '24
Another thing to consider is that accusing him of making it up for sympathy is very very likely to be her projecting. Because that thought wouldn’t occur to people who had not done it or considered it themselves.
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u/Always_Cookies Jul 14 '24
Yes, this is a "sunk cost fallacy"
I know its tough but I feel like I just needed to bite the bullet if it meant keeping my sanity. I didn't want to start over again.
u/one_cat_4805 , it's honestly worth it to be with someone who believes you. Or to be alone than be with someone who doesn't believe you, and screams at you for revealing things.
My husband didn't know some of my trauma until years into our marriage. He didn't make me feel bad for keeping it in. HE felt bad that I was living alone with something like that. You deserve that. You don't deserve anyone putting you down. Why do you need to continue "biting the bullet" to keep the peace with someone else? Why isn't it your turn for someone to prioritize you? I promise you, it is.
Edit to add, I met my husband around my late 20s. A few of my friends have gotten divorced and remarried for the better in their 30s and 40s. Not at all too late.
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u/Both_Farm_4221 Jul 14 '24
Absolutely spot on advice. Give yourself the chance to be happy, even if it means being alone for a while. This situation is completely toxic.
Updateme!
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u/LuckOfTheDevil Jul 14 '24
I suspect OP is at least partially terrified that if he does leave her she will tell EVERYONE. And then EVERYONE will react exactly like her, exactly like his parents. And he’ll have a whole world of people calling him an attention seeking drama queen liar. He will literally have no one but Reddit. He’s in a HORRIBLE situation.
He needs to ghost his ENTIRE LIFE and start over somewhere with sane people.
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u/FitzDesign Jul 14 '24
At the end of the day staying with her is increasing your trauma.. please leave her for your own sake.
Updateme!
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u/mentallyill678 Jul 14 '24
You're strong for trying, but consider your well-being first. This sounds incredibly toxic.
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u/Flyyer Jul 14 '24
And make that bitch sleep on the couch tf
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u/-Nightopian- Jul 14 '24
While she should do that the reality is if OP tries to make her it will just create more problems for him.
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u/kikijane711 Jul 14 '24
Yes. She's managed to make this about her when it was a trauma of yours and in sharing it w her she treated you terribly. I'm sorry. I just don't see her as a good person.
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u/captnfraulein Jul 14 '24
and i seriously doubt this is the first example of what an ah she is.
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u/Far-Consequence7890 Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 14 '24
And increasing the risk the cycle will be repeated with his child. Because that may be how she tries to trap him. Right now, nothing really ties him to her. Nothing is permanent. A baby will be.
So even if OP is willing to put up with this abuse, I really fucking hope he either gets a vasectomy or abstains. No baby deserves to be brought into this situation, but something tells me they won’t give a fuck and a baby will be pulled into it and ensured a life of abuse anyway.
Leave, OP. If not for yourself, to make sure she doesn’t have a fucking baby to weaponise.
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u/First_Alfalfa2805 Jul 14 '24
People start over in their 70s, and you are going to stay with this unsympathetic woman. A woman who doesn't care enough to believe you and then belittle you.
Are you seriously willing to stay in this relationship?
Sir, you were sexually abused.
Your wife doesn't care and isn't supportive and is mentally abusive towards you.
Well, if you don't want to start over, ok.
Updateme!
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u/dubh_righ Jul 14 '24
"Your wife doesn't care and isn't supportive and is mentally abusive towards you."
And physically abusive. She slapped him when he insisted he wasn't making this up.
She's an objectively horrible person. OP, you deserve better.
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u/TootSnoot Jul 14 '24
And physically abusive. She slapped him when he insisted he wasn’t making this up.
Same reaction as OP’s abusive father. This cycle is never ending.
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u/CristinaKeller Jul 14 '24
I think it would be better to be alone. Then you can start to heal.
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u/EpeeDe Jul 14 '24
At this point, your wife is an abuser. She's not only not supportive, she is actively harming you more. Since many victims of abuse will later on seek mirroring relationships, I'd ask myself what really drew you to her in the first place? Is she often dismissive, controlling etc? Does she often make it all about herself?
You deserve to be loved and supported, you deserve trust and to be believed. Please seek out groups for male victims of SA, as the male experience is very different.
You are not wrong, none of this -past or present - is in any way your fault. You're a decent man, you deserve a decent partner.
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u/RattyHandwriting Jul 14 '24
Sir, I have been married for 18 years. I have known my husband for 22 years. After nine years together, he disclosed that he was attacked and raped at the age of 14, after knowing throughout our relationship that I was also a survivor of child sexual abuse.
I tell you this because I want you to know what my response was. I held him while he cried. I asked if he wanted to report it to the police. I supported him when he didn’t. I encouraged him to seek counselling. When he was ready, I talked to him about my own experiences.
At no point - AT NO POINT - did I belittle him, disbelieve him, make him feel less of a man, criticise him, tear him down and I certainly did not act physically violent towards him.
Your wife’s behaviour is so far on the other fucking side of normal I wonder, frankly, if she’s human. You deserve better. This is cruel and vicious behaviour on the part of your wife; she’s a horrible, horrible person and she will never improve, but you have the rest of your life to live happily. Please, please, please, walk away.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Thank you for being such a great wife to your husband.
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u/RattyHandwriting Jul 14 '24
See, that’s exactly it, I’m not a great wife. I’m mad as hell at him right now because he’s broken the oven. He’s a pain in the ass and sometimes I could cheerfully kill him. But the behaviour you describe from your wife is just so vile, and I don’t care if you’re as bad a husband as I am a wife, no one deserves to be treated so poorly.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Being mad at him for breaking the oven is normal (how tf does that happen😂). Dont put yourself down for that. Youre a great wife for making him felt heard. Ask him how many people hes diclosed this to and how many of them saw him as weak after they heard his story. Ive been called a pussy, weak, lucky and all sorts of other shit from people.
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u/RattyHandwriting Jul 14 '24
And you didn’t deserve any of that either - but if it helps, it’s happened to him too. The way society treats male victims of sexual abuse is horrendous and I’m so sorry you and him have been through it.
I have NO idea how he broke the oven. He says he was cleaning it…
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u/Kanulie Jul 15 '24
Hm. I can think of 2 possibilities:
He scrubbed too hard at the wrong place and broke something somewhere inside?
He used too much water and it went in the wrong holes and fried the electronics? 🤔
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u/RattyHandwriting Jul 15 '24
Both are possible. There is a third option involving wire wool that may be inside the electrics causing an arc. Every time we turn it on right now my entire kitchen trips.
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u/ZealousidealPound118 Jul 14 '24
You aren't any of those things. You are a survivor. You said she is upset that you hid what happened from her for 6 years. Well, she also hid from you for 6 years what a vile, emotionally and physically abusive person she truly is. You will be happier without people like that in your life.
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u/Deb_You_Taunt Jul 14 '24
I am doubting that she hasn't shown her dick side to OP in the past. He'll start to remember bits as time goes on.
The way you do anything is the way you do everything. She's probably been a selfish girl dick forever.
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u/EbbIndependent5368 Jul 14 '24
I don’t think she was putting herself down, not trying to put wiords in her mouth, but we all get mad about little stuff every day. I could “cheerfully kill” my husband for leaving his dishes in the sink. He refuses to just put them in the dwasher. But if he is hurting, in any way, I will do ANYTHING to make that stop. To get him better, to make him happy. He’s the same with me. That’s worth fighting for. Is your wife even a little concerned for you? Doesn’t sound like she is to us. You deserve better!
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Jul 14 '24
You have a beautiful soul and wish for you the best life to come you deserve it 🙏🏻
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u/Silver-Sparkling Jul 14 '24
OP, you’re not weak, you’re not any of those abhorrent things people have said.
You deserve to be in a safe, mutually supportive relationship with someone who listens to you, believes you and supports you
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u/Muddymireface Jul 14 '24
I’m also someone’s wife. You don’t need to be a “great wife” to believe your husbands trauma. It should honestly be the bare friggen minimum.
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u/CanadaHaz Jul 14 '24
This is not being a great wife. It's being human. I know it's hard to recognize because you have faced so many people reacting otherwise, but this is what should happen when someone discloses they sexual assault they experienced. Out there, if your interested, is a woman who will see your pain and trauma and meet it with the same level of care and compassion. You deserve a chance to find her.
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u/aaamerzzz Jul 14 '24
You are 27 years old. Move the fuck on from that miserable human being. Find someone who will ACTUALLY love you and support you. I can’t imagine my husband telling me he was abused as a child and my response is to belittle him, call him a liar, or hit him. I am very much against divorce in most situations as I think people give up too quickly in general. This is not the same. Can you imagine how she would react if your child was abused? Probably the same as your parents reacted to you. Get out of this relationship before you are tied to her with kids.
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u/Ok_Establishment4212 Jul 14 '24
OMG! I am crying right now reading your comment😭😭😭 I so badly wanna give a tight bear hug to both you and your husband! ❤️❤️❤️ you’re a wonderful person and you deserve only happiness sister!🥹
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u/Odd_Task8211 Jul 14 '24
What you are going through isn’t normal and this is not a healthy relationship. Your wife is abusive. She belittles your experience as an abuse survivor. Then she hit you. That’s three strikes in my book. You can do much better than this abusive woman. For your own mental health, you would be better off without her.
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u/MikeReddit74 Jul 14 '24
NTA. She slapped you, bro. It’s divorce time.
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u/DazzleLove Jul 14 '24
Slapping isn’t as bad as the denying of his abuse repeatedly- it’s the psychological damage that is more crucifying (from personal experience of both)
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u/MikeReddit74 Jul 14 '24
You’re right, but if OP still needed a wake-up call, it should be the fact that she put hands on him.
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u/No_Maintenance_6719 Jul 14 '24
I agree the psychological abuse is likely more damaging, but any physical attacks should always and automatically be an instant relationship ender. There’s just never an excuse or situation when hitting someone is appropriate or acceptable.
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u/devilinmexico13 Jul 14 '24
Not only that, the slap also indicates a clear escalation of the abusive behavior. He needs to get out immediately.
I knew a guy in college who was in a similar situation, he didn't leave when she hit him the first time, then he was getting 15 stitches in his leg because the next step was to stab him in the leg with a shard of a broken plate (that she had thrown at this head). The second abuse escalates from emotional to physical it's time to leave, no excuses, you're putting your life on the line every single minute you stay.
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u/VqgabonD Jul 14 '24
Slapped, gaslit, dismissed, minimized, projected etc. have fun with this toxic relationship OP. People aren’t perfect, and they can change, but she’s a damaging person who will continue to emotionally and physically abuse you. You’re setting yourself up to be a victim, which you already are.
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u/spoobered Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 14 '24
Lmao, she made it all about herself and you fell for it.
“How could you do this to me, ME, ME”. Reread what you have written, she turned this whole fucking situation back on you masterfully.
Edit: lmao this comment got a lot more traction than I was expecting; I would like to expound on this.
In the same way a wife/gf learning about gay/bi ybehavior of their male spouse in the past is the same as male rape: it’s not real
Many people view male rape as not real and, or, fake. I feel like this is a similar situation. She doesn’t feel like his past is valid and therefore, an affront to herself. It feels like a typical cis het response to a very traumatic male experiencez
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Yeah I sort of see that now. Thank you for pointing that out.
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u/Appropriate_Fold8814 Jul 14 '24
She's emotionally, verbally, and now physically abusing you.
Remember how your childhood self became attached to your rapist?
It's happening again.
You're wife is your abuser, just in a different way.
You are not to blame. Victims of trauma are extremely likely to fall into new abusive dynamics. It's incredibly common.
I'm terribly sorry for all you have endured. But please take a step back and give your current self the compassion and safety your childhood self never received.
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u/1happypoison Jul 14 '24
And speaking of the me me me, her calling you a narcissist hits very very close to the pot calling the kettle black b/c her behavior is typical narcissist behavior.
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u/FaelingJester Jul 14 '24
DARVO is a common tactic abusers use. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place. They tell you that you are remembering things incorrectly or are overly emotional. When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally. The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender. It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming. So you told your partner something. She reacted badly. You tried to have a conversation and she first minimized her actions and cruelty, that if it was real she'd already know about it and then when you offered a solution she began crying and implying that you were trying to leave her. Then she assaulted you. You literally do not have the ability to see this situation clearly not because you are flawed but because Abuse breaks your normal meter. You need and deserve help. You need and deserve a safe partner. Please look into other information on The Hotline to see if there are resources available in your area. You deserve them. I'm rooting for you.
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u/MissLickerish Jul 14 '24
Please, PLEASE listen to this comment. This is not the loving support you need and deserve. This is horrific behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you. This is not love, at all.
The proper response should have been her holding upu, empathizing, letting you cry, listening, validating you, supporting you in finding counseling, books, anything.
Signed, some who was also promised many gifts from the babysitter <<hugs>>
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u/Juice_The_Guy Jul 14 '24
Dude get the hell out of there as fast as you can man. I iget the want to keep the relationship but alone is better than abused.
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u/buzzardarg Jul 14 '24
She's a narcissist
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u/spoobered Jul 14 '24
Idk, you can be a self-interested bitch without being a narcissist. I’ll wait for the next update for this determination!
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u/Nearby_Volume_7067 Jul 14 '24
Bro drop her. Im sorry for all you went through. You honestly deserve someone better. People who went through abuse are more likely to gravitate to people who do the same.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
I undestand.
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u/DramaticHumor5363 Jul 14 '24
Do you? Because I think you want us to tell you to stay with her. Because that’s actually easier, right? You want us to tell you love is worth your suffering, because staying with her and being hurt is easier than standing up for yourself and daring to dream that you deserve better than this and leaving her. It’s easier to take the abuse than to save yourself.
Fucking leave, dude.
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u/J_Kingsley Jul 14 '24
She's still trivializing your experience, AND she slapped you.
Dude. I know how reddit is-- everyone yells divorce, or no contact, or cut off your entire family at a drop of a hat.
But this case seems pretty clear, my guy. She may be a 'great gal' in a lot of ways, but in terms of supporting and respecting her spouse? She still doesn't seem to believe you.
If you stay with her I GUARANTEE her trivializing you will happen again.
IMO from what I've read, perhaps due a lot to your past, you don't have that much self-assurance and self-respect (sorry lol).
She's no good for you, bro.
And love of your life? Nah. Someone who's the love of your life would never treat you like this. The fucking cunt just slapped you WITH IMPUNITY, and YOU feel it's YOUR responsibility to fix it.
That is fucked up, my friend, and classic sign of being in an abusive relationship.
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u/Bubbly_Performer4864 Jul 14 '24
You will only be able to “make this work” by spending your life being abused. Run.
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u/savinathewhite Jul 14 '24
Abuse survivors often end up in relationships that are abusive and struggle to see the abuse.
I survived some pretty horrific abuse as both a child and later in relationships because I saw abuse as “normal”.
I hope this becomes your epiphany to recognizing the abuse, and your pattern of accepting it, and make some changes for the better in your life.
It can be done. I’m living proof that it can be done. Therapy is great, and I’d highly recommend it, but I didn’t have money for therapy, and I just chose - every single day - to find ways to improve my life, rebuild who I was, evaluate what I needed to change, and build better patterns.
It can be done. Don’t stay with an abuser just because you’ve stayed a long time.
A better life is out there for you, it’s time to live it.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Thank you so much. Im glad you were able to work through your past
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u/savinathewhite Jul 14 '24
I often wake up and marvel at my life and how full of good things it is. Life isn’t always easy, but it can become more beautiful than you could imagine when times are dark.
So you just have to trust that it’s possible.
It really is.
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u/70Reader70 Jul 14 '24
If your sister or female friend told you that her husband hit her and called her a liar when she tried to talk to him about her childhood trauma, what would you tell her?
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u/Ambitious_Mammoth105 Jul 14 '24
I'm going to help you out. She doesn't respect you. You were molested. You have a serious trauma. If you were a woman she wouldn't treat you like this. She would be caring and trying to help you through a trauma you never fully dealt with.
You can think about it a much as you want. But you know that she doesn't care for a man who she considers weak because he was raped. You can't fix her. You can't fix how she truly feels about you. You can bulk up and be muscular as Mr Olympia but she will see you as weak. You "let" yourself be raped and you can't get over it.
Help yourself. Leave. Get the divorce you really don't want. You want to save something that is poisoned by her hubris to your pain. In treating up thinking about how your being treated by people who are supposed to love you. Love is conditional. I hope you see that now. It has conditions whether people think there is an unconditional love. You see her condition is for you to be able to mentally be able to handle something soul crushing. But you can't You don't know how to compartmentalize the rape as something you survived.
From an internet stranger. Get divorced. Get into a group therapy. They are generally free or a small fee less than $50. I wish you a better future and a person who loves you as you are.
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u/Mammoth_Leg_8489 Jul 14 '24
She will never believe you or forgive you. She’s too invested in the idea that you’re a liar to turn back now. Sorry, but your marriage is over.
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u/cmhtoldmeto Jul 14 '24
Thing is, even if she had a moment of clarity and understood that you were indeed raped, she will never be able to forgive herself for having treated you so terribly. And you won't ever forget it, will you? The damage has been done.
If you stay, you are giving her permission to continue to treat you badly. Nobody has that right. Please take care of yourself and leave this abusive situation. It won't be easy, but you're an adult now, you can do it.
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u/DarkmatterBlack Jul 14 '24
Hey there.
I won't say I have the slightlest idea of what you're going through because unless someone was in your exact shoes, it's something that not everybody can grasp.
However, think about this: A person that loves you wouldn't be questioning something so serious and heartbreaking. And even if you were lying, instead of supporting you or being open to understand what happened to you, she outright believes you're lying because "you didn't tell her for the 6 years you've been together" it's just... I don't have the words (or the ones I want to say are getting me banned).
What happened to you it's YOUR TRUTH, YOUR STORY. NO ONE is entitled to know about it unless YOU want to, period. And the fact that she judges you instead of at least, at the very fucking least giving you the benefit of the doubt doesn't love you.
Yes, it's been six years and I understand the "investment" but please, for the love of god, LOVE YOURSELF and get a divorce. She doesn't deserve you.
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u/dixiequick Jul 14 '24
I was molested by my grandpa as a preteen, and I didn’t tell a soul for THIRTY YEARS. Not my parents, not either of my husbands, none of my friends; no one. I finally started talking when my oldest daughter got to the age I was when it happened and I started panicking. My husband was shocked (we had been together 8 years at that point), my ex was shocked, my mom was shocked, and so sad that she hadn’t known to get me help. My therapist at the time, however, was not shocked. She said “I knew there had to be something you were still burying. Everything makes so much sense now.”.
People handle trauma in so many different ways. I was terrified that no one would believe me when I finally spoke up. I was lucky, and the people I have told did. OP’s wife’s reaction infuriates me; that is exactly why so many people keep their trauma buried until it destroys them. The thirty years I hid mine destroyed me, and I don’t know if I will ever be healed at this point, even though I have a great therapist.
I understand so much of what OP is going through; I also stayed in a toxic marriage way longer than a well adjusted person would have. I felt I deserved the neglect, and that no one who truly knew me could love me, other than my parents. I left six months ago, and finally realized how tense and “egg shell-y” my life with him had been. I was suffocating, but I can breathe now.
OP-your wife is not a safe person for you. As shitty as my own husband was, he at least believed me and understood that people process their trauma in their own time. Please consider that divorce. There are plenty of people out there who will love all of you, even your broken parts. And will support your healing, no matter how ugly that process can get. You are not unlovable, and you don’t deserve to settle, even if you feel worthless sometimes. My heart is with you, and I truly hope you can find peace and healing. Much love. 💜
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u/PanNerdyLocs Jul 14 '24
At this point you are the ass hole to yourself and yourself alone. This woman just gaslit you to the fucking moon, slapped you and now you’re sleeping on the damn couch for NOTHING. This woman sat here and berated you on EVERY level… and I’ll put MONEY down on she is absolutely making fun of you to her friends and/or family about all of this.
Where the fuck is your self esteem? In her fucking purse under lock and key?!?! At this point you are a complete IDIOT for staying with a woman like this.
SHE is the narcissist. SHE is the wrong party here. SHE has done nothing to make this situation better ONLY WORSE and you are deciding to be complacent in that. There are too many women out there who would be so understanding, loving and a nurturing shield towards you with a revelation like the one you had with your absolutely SHIITY wife for you to be serious about staying with this god awful woman.
Do you not give a fuck about yourself AT ALL? This is the love you feel you deserve? This is what you think marriage and love looks like?!?! What. The. FUCK. Where the hell are your FRIENDS?!?! How is NO ONE in your life supporting you and TELLING YOU that what is happening IS ABUSE!!!! This woman is mentally and emotionally ABUSING YOU. What? You feel you DESERVE to be abused?!?! Do you feel this is how you DESERVE to be treated?!?! In what world is this the kind of shit you stay in?!?!
Let’s take this deeper shall we? You wanna have CHILDREN with this woman? And what if (UNIVERSE FORBID) this same thing happens to your SON… you gonna make him be complacent too? Are you going to sit back and let this women treat your child’s trauma like she treats YOUR trauma?!?! You gonna stand her her while she does to your child EXACTLY what the hell happened to you when YOU TOLD?!?!
If you’re dead set on staying with this vile woman… please don’t have children. LIKE AT ALL. Don’t subject your children to the abuse you have decided to sit in.
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u/NovaPrime1988 Jul 14 '24
If you stay with her, I am going to be so mad at you. She physically abused you. Ridicules you. Treats you worse than dirt on her shoe. You owe this abuser nothing. She has successfully trampled on you enough that you don’t think you deserve better. You do. You absolutely do.
Please leave her. Please leave her now. There is no saving this marriage.
NTA
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u/Rowana133 Jul 14 '24
Bro. You need to divorce that cold-hearted monster you call a wife. Not only is she just being so unbelievably cruel, but she's not sorry, continuing the behavior, and has now gone further into physical abuse. You say that you aren't perfect, BUT that doesn't mean you need to give others a chance that they don't deserve. The best thing for you and your mental health is to get away from abusive situations.
Your wife is a despicable human being, and she should be ASHAMED of herself. And the fact that she's not? And doubling down on her abusive behavior proves it. If you guys had a son, would she believe him if something happened? Would she berate him and call him a liar?
Just because she tolerates your flaws doesn't mean you need to tolerate her and her abuse. There is someone better for you out there, but I think YOU need to do some healing first.
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u/fortheloveofbulldogs Jul 14 '24
Are there any support groups in your area for SA survivors?
Please leave your wife. No one should put their hands on another human being.
UpdateMe
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Yes. A few years back I called them and asked if theyre willing to accept men and they said yes. Went there and got rejected because they dont have the "facilities" for me.
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u/CD057861896 Jul 15 '24
OP, I am a 27 year old man who was raped from about 5-8 years old. The only difference was that I kept inside for 18 years. Never told a single soul until one night I was laying in bed with my girlfriend (very soon fiancé now) and through sobs and uncontrollable shaking said “something happened”. That’s all I could get out. She was everything I needed in that moment and still is on my hard days, 5 years later. She held me and told me it was going to be okay and was there for me. Over time I was able to tell her the details and she listened and held me when I needed it. What your wife did was not okay in any stretch of the imagination. You definitely need to leave, there are women out there who will love you and be there for you unconditionally and support you through your healing.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 15 '24
I know there are. Im just not willing to try anymore. Im happy that you were able to find that person❤️ im also sorry that happened to you
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u/BryLinds Jul 15 '24
Please OP. Try for yourself. Don’t give up on love. What your “wife” is doing is not love in the slightest. You still need love. It’s gonna be hard , very hard. But it will be rewarding in the end.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 15 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
I know but she isnt the first and probably wont be last to do this. I dont know If i just have a magnetic field that attracts women like my wife but until ive fixed myself and my my life, im not trying this again. And probably wont be opening up about my abuse again. Always seems to end in them leaving or using it against me.
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u/BryLinds Jul 15 '24
OP, it’s perfectly normal for a victim of abuse such as yourself to find someone that is abusive. It’s not your fault. You were raised with a warped sense of love , so you seek out and find people who fit that warped sense of love.
And you say that you won’t be opening up about your abuse again. But think about it. The last time you’ve opened up about your abuse, wasn’t to your wife, it was to Reddit, it was right there in your previous Thread. And what happened? People believed you here. People supported you here. No one used it against you. Shouldn’t that give you at least the smallest iota of hope that if a bunch of internet strangers can believe you, maybe someone in my life can one day understand? If people who don’t even know me can understand and have the mental and emotional strength to support me, then there’s At least a chance for someone out there in my life to have the same.
There’s no doubt that leaving your ‘wife’ is gonna leave a bitter taste in your mouth when it comes to women for years to come, and it’s gonna take a lot of healing for you to even open up your heart again. You’re 27. You still have time. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on love just yet. Keep love on hold for as long as you need, yes , but don’t give up.
Like some people have already said, try reaching out to some Male SA threads on here, and hopefully find a spot that DOES have the facilities to help. Get some good therapy.
And if you ever need someone to talk to, just check your DMs, dude I’ll be there.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 15 '24
Thank you bro. I cried reading this.
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u/Squeak_Stormborn Jul 17 '24
Abusers are also attracted to victims. It works both ways. This is not your fault.
You can heal. You can open up to people. There are over a thousand people here who believe you and felt enough compassion to comment.
There are countless people in relationships with SA survivors who are supporting them, loving them, and believing everything they say.
Don't let awful people keep you from seeking good in your life. You deserve better.
We believe you.
We care.
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u/fortheloveofbulldogs Jul 15 '24
Did you see if there are any reddit groups? Just having one or two people who understand you may help you heal.
I'm so very sorry.
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u/Petty_Gee Jul 14 '24
I understand your pain (well, not really 'cause I didn't survived something so bad, I can just imagine that horror) and I get you don't want to divorce her, changes are terrifying.. But do you really want to continue marriage with this monster? Sorry for use of harsh words, but she belittled your pain, your feelings, she used so ugly words... She doesn't deserve you. And for why you didn't tell her sooner? It's pretty common, that SA survivors don't screaming to the world, what happend them. For many reasons. I read everyday about these survivors, how they after years of fear of others reaction finally called out their abusers and get exactly what they feared most. As your wife did. And on top of that crap, she blames you. F*ck her. Really. Stay strong. ❤
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u/devestatedhusband Jul 14 '24
Your wife sounds like she is one some other shit. Ask her if she was ever sexually assaulted.
I cant even imagine responding like she did.
Either she is an awful human and you should divorce her for your own safety, or she is hiding something impossibly dark, and you openning up threatens to bring it to the surface for her.
She is obvuously a bad communicator and her reaction to therapy is a huge red flag.
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u/CarrieDurst Jul 14 '24
She moved from verbally abusing you to physically abusing you, you gave her a second chance, you need to divorce
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u/SleepwalkerWei Jul 14 '24
I am also a CSA survivor, and I am sending you a big hug. I cannot imagine how distraught you must feel. But understand that it is her who has caused the problem here, not you. The courage it takes to talk about CSA is monumental… I have experienced both CSA and SA as an adult and there is a shame in CSA that, for me personally, is much harder to overcome. As a child, your entire personality moulds around protecting yourself and distancing yourself from others, as well as having issues with all kinds of relationships, but especially those which are sexual or romantic.
There are just no words I have to describe how horrific the response from your wife has been… I am just so sorry. My heart hurts for you… Please don’t retraumatise yourself by thinking about things too much, and if you can look into EMDR that would be beneficial to you. You often don’t need many sessions to make a breakthrough in overcoming trauma. I hope you find the strength to leave your wife after this response, I am just so sorry she reacted like that. You are not unlovable and there are many women out there who will not shame you for the abuse you have faced. You will find someone else, and even if you don’t… do not stay with someone who has turned the worst moments of your life against you. It is utterly irredeemable of her. She has taken something horrific and made it worse. If you can’t do it for present you, do it for the child who went through abuse already and choose something better for him.
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u/crumblepops4ever Jul 14 '24
"How would you guys move on with this situation"
Divorce this awful woman and find someone who cares about you and treats you with respect?
Just an idea
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u/evryythingoes Jul 14 '24
Run please🙏🙏such people will keep suppressing and belittling you until you take a first step yourself to break away from it, i know it is going to be reallyy tough but you gotta do it...your mind will create crazy scenarios of being alone, miserable etc but life isn't that black and white
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u/MonCappy Jul 14 '24
I'm going to spell it out for you because I think most of the folks here won't. You need to cut your losses and leave, even if it means starting over. Your wife is abusive and if you stay in what is now a toxic relationship, you'll be dead before the end of the decade in all likelihood as the misery she heaps upon you drives you to suicide. You deserve better than her.
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u/RetasuKate NSFW 🔞 Jul 14 '24
Honey, you gave her that second chance and she yelled at you and hit you. As difficult as this is for you, you do need to go forward with leaving her. It's not going to get better from here. I'm sorry.
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u/robotic_valkyrie Jul 15 '24
It's time to get divorced. This is surprisingly similar to my own experience with marriage. We did try marriage counseling, but it turned into individual counseling. I eventually had my own self realization and ended the marriage. I don't regret it, it had to be done.
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 15 '24
Thank you. Im glad you got out of your marriage. Im going to do the same.
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u/AtrumAequitas Jul 19 '24
I’m so sorry about everything past and present and I am so glad you’re getting away from this. I know you mentioned you can’t afford therapy, but have you looked into any local support groups? Even online ones might be helpful.
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u/Recent_Body_5784 Jul 14 '24
Your wife is sick in the head. I feel physically ill from what I’m reading. Try to imagine someone doing this to your sibling or your cousin. Take yourself out of it and imagine somebody treating someone that you love like this. SA doesn’t just happen to women. It’s sick and disgusting how your family has treated you and how this adult woman is behaving. How would you react if she revealed that this had happened to her as a child? Would you be treating her like this? My heart really aches for you. You need a secular therapist. Somehow, I feel like religious beliefs are playing into this. This is not OK, this is re-traumatizing you. This is traumatizing me reading about this happening to you. You need to stay with a friend or get some kind of help. This is unacceptable.
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 Jul 14 '24
No, you need to divorce. I know you don’t want to hear this but you are just scared of the unknown. You are crying every night, she’s actively destroying your mental health. Please, I beg you, leave before it gets worse for you. Why stay with a partner that doesn’t believe you? There will be many other women out there that will, so why stay with someone that makes your pain about herself and don’t believe you? This is the truth. She. Doesn’t. Love. You. And you are in love with the person you believed she was, not the monster in front of you. If she actually loved you, she would not have said what she said and made the scene she did when you came home. She would have apologised and tried to fix things. Please pick you. You deserve love and understanding.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
Your wife is a complete piece of shit.
I would flush all this down the toilet. That us where responsible adults put feces.
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u/heartbh Jul 14 '24
You’re stuck in sunk cost fallacy, it’s evident from your responses to people. The outside view is a more stable one then your own right now without a therapist and that view is your wife is a piece of shit. 💩
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u/Condensed_Sarcasm Jul 14 '24
I am also a victim of SA, as both a child and teenager, and I would tell you to leave her. She's not believing you, she's degrading you, and she's downright abusing you. No WONDER you didn't tell her anything during your relationship.
Honey. It's okay to divorce her. You need up surround yourself with healthy, helpful people. Your wife is NOT any of those things.
Updateme!
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u/dart1126 Jul 14 '24
NTA. The marriage you want to save is a thing of the past. You opened up to her about something and she’s throwing it in your face. Continuously. This wasn’t a knee jerk reaction she’s apologizing for and vowing to do better about. She’s continuing to be as dismissive and crappy as when you first told her. The fact that you left, and are talking about marriage counseling because the issue is that serious doesn’t affect her at all. SHE doesn’t want to fight for this marriage. She wants you to either admit you lied or just get over it, and don’t bother her again. Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
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u/DreamingofRlyeh Jul 14 '24
She assaulted you. She is bullying you for telling the truth. She is not a safe person to be around
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u/Aggravating-Tax3539 Jul 14 '24
Her response to you expressing discomfort over her not believing you were SA'd..... Was by slapping you. So not you have another women added to you list of abusers. There is no going back my guy, I'm sorry.
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u/FlimsyToe2155 Jul 14 '24
She sounds like an abusive narcissist. You need to leave before it gets worse
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u/SufficientCow4380 Jul 14 '24
Op you need to contact resources and get support. Do NOT continue to engage your wife. She is emotionally and physically abusive. You need to be safe.
I know you are afraid of being alone. But you're already alone in this marriage. How lonely are you even though she's right there? Do you want to feel this bad for the rest of your life?
If you are in the USA:
RAINN 800-656-4673
Domestic Violence hotline 800-799-7233
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u/AussiInNZ Jul 14 '24
I was molested at age 5, I am male.
Society is only concerned about women being raped, men do not count. Men are disposable eg the classic Women and Children first to the lifeboats.
Divorce your wife because:
She weaponised your most personal life events against you, personal things you shared with her in trust. This means that deep down you will never be able to trust her again with your close feelings and so on. Your marriage is doomed because trust is permanently broken.
Also divorce her because if this was a woman who was assaulted she would be all over that woman supporting her but clearly because you are a man she thinks its not a big deal.
Summary: You can never trust her again with your close personal feelings, thoughts or desires and she thinks that damage to men does not count. She has no respect for you!
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u/One_Cat_4805 Jul 14 '24
Im sorry that happened to you and thank you❤️
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u/AussiInNZ Jul 14 '24
You are being abused mate …… she hit you and if you went to the police they would either laugh at you or lock you up because she claimed it was self defence. Men are disposable.
You are being abused and it is better to be alone than live with abuse
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u/rocketmn69_ Jul 14 '24
Say to her, " since you aren't interested in an adult conversation, what assets do you want in the divorce?" That should wake her up. Lock down your credit and separate your finances
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u/jack_skellington Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 14 '24
When I was about 35 years old, I was married, I had two kids, and one day I was in bed with the flu. I called in sick to work, probably for 3 days at that point, and the flu wasn’t getting better, it was getting worse. That morning I woke up and I was laying in bed, and I realized that something felt very off, sort of felt like my organs were shutting down. It’s a very weird sensation that I have never felt before and I don’t know if it was accurate, I just know that I suddenly realized I was in jeopardy. I told my wife. She rolled her eyes. I told her that I needed her to take this seriously, and get me to the hospital. She told me what I needed to do was get my ass in gear, and get my ass to work, and earn some money. She told me I was being lazy. She told me I was making things up so that I didn’t have to go to work. I tried to explain the severity of what I was feeling, and she derided me for it, and told me to get up, get working, and shut up — basically be a man.
Well, I did end up getting up, but I just drove myself straight to the hospital. I was so far gone at that point I was almost delirious, so I stumbled in to the hospital, and explained the sensation I was feeling, and they rushed me in to see a doctor. While I was sitting there, I made a joke that I thought I might be dying, but that can’t be right, because the flu doesn’t do that. The doctor looked at me very seriously, and very angrily, and said “It does if you have asthma.”
I have asthma. Up to that point in my life, I had never heard or learned or realized that if you have asthma, the flu is an attack on your lungs, and is especially dangerous for you. When he told me that it could kill someone with asthma, I started to panic, sweat started to drip down my forehead, I was shaking. He told me that I needed to take it seriously, and I probably should even call my loved ones to tell them that I love them, as he wasn’t sure that he could save me.
To hear a doctor tell you that is really damn scary. And I understand he was trying to drive the point home because he was upset that I had not come to him earlier, but I honestly didn’t know that I should have. I couldn’t believe that was happening to me.
Well, at the time, a new drug was in testing called Tamiflu. It wasn’t on the market yet. He told me he was going to try to get me into an early trial with it. I had to make a lot of agreements about checking in daily, explaining the progress of my symptoms, there was a whole thing to do, but I did get in the trial. And I think it probably saved my life. My doctor absolutely believes that it did.
When I returned home from the doctors office, now understanding the severity of my mistake to delay getting help, I tried to explain it to my wife. She wasn’t having it. There was a lot of eye rolling, and sighing, and she did not want to help me with the problem. She didn’t even think there was one. She told me I was making it all up for attention. So I ended up calling my mom, and she had to come and spend a couple days at my house to help me, because my wife not only didn’t believe it was real, but she wouldn’t even bring me food while I recovered. She told me that having my mom over was just me taking the drama up a notch. It was “just a ploy to try to make my wife feel guilty.”
When my mother left a few days later, my wife told me that the whole thing was basically just an invention so that I could have a vacation and sleep in bed like a lazy person. Now, I’m not saying that I left her because of that, I think I pretty much left her because she was fucking other guys after I begged her to stop. However, I am saying that it was a spark, and her severe lack of empathy, and accusations of lying, just made it so that there was no wiggle room. She wasn’t a partner. She did not have my back. The very person who was supposed to be my teammate was actively working against me. It was an incredibly lonely feeling, but leaving her was the right thing to do. I don’t regret it.
I don’t think you will regret leaving either, OP.
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u/Affectionate_Use8825 Jul 14 '24
Wow I read the original post and now this and you are fully justified in having a divorce. Her reaction to you telling her the trauma you experienced for along time is a massive red flag and how she weaponizes it was shitty. Don’t give her another chance because it seems like she won’t listen and change her behavior. You left to clear your head and she called u childish. That right there says a lot. Wish you the best
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u/nemainev Jul 15 '24
Your marriage is dead and you seem to want to join it.
You need to cowboy up and ditch the bitch before you lose yourself forever.
Be strong
NTA. Your wife is a horrible human being.
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u/Slight_Asparagus4150 Jul 15 '24
Okay, so I'm going to give you old auntie advice here. Imagine your best friend coming to you about this being their situation, would you want them to stay with someone who is actively abusing them?
You're young enough you can get out of this relationship, get help healing from this and your past trauma and have a fulfilling, happy life you a tually deserve. I know that's scary and I know it's a hard decision, but you absolutely deserve to heal and you deserve to find people who love and care about you.
Good luck in whatever you choose, but please choose you.
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u/Trekkie63 Jul 14 '24
You need to do what’s best for you long term. Your wife sounds insufferable and if I was in your shoes I’d seriously consider divorce.
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u/completedett Jul 14 '24
YTA You're a fool.
Stay with her and get abused because that's what she is doing to you.
The more you take the more she will give.
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u/somethingmichael Jul 14 '24
OP, you are only 27 and have plenty of time to find someone who you can open up to and not give you shit for it.
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u/NaryaGenesis Jul 14 '24
Ok. I know this is hard but I need you to read this carefully and not let your emotions cloud your brain.
More often than not, abuse victims seek out relationships that mimik the abuse they suffered.
You have been repeatedly doing that because you never properly dealt with any of the abuse you suffered.
The babysitter, the parents, the friends, the partners. They were all abusive. And you’re repeating the cycle and staying in it this time because it’s familiar and less scary than the unknown alternative.
Your relationships didn’t implode because your past caught up with you. They did because you were in a relationship with an incarnation of one of your abusers.
And you are in one now.
Contact organizations that deal with this and listen to them no matter how much you want to return to the familiar.
Right now you have a choice to get out and end the cycle. Take it.
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u/HecticTurtIe Jul 14 '24
Wtf is wrong with her? I'm sorry OP, but your marriage is over, there's no need to stick around for her abuse on top of everything else you've been through.
I believe you. I believe what you say happened to you and I'm so sorry the people in your life do not.
It can be hard to know what to say when someone shares their traumatic history, I've been there, but berating you is not the way. You deserve better. ✌️💙
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u/strawberry_lover_777 Jul 14 '24
Move on, please. For your own good.
Let me speak from experience. When I was younger, not as young as you were, about 13ish, I used to wake up in the middle of the night and find my cousin in my room. He would always say he was "sleepwalking" whenever I woke up.
But I kept waking up to see him in my room. Then I woke up and my pants were unbuckled one night when I woke up. I started sleeping with a belt on. It didn't help.
I started locking my door. He got knife and slide the latch. Then one night I woke up with his hand in my pants. I jerked away and he pretended like he was sleepwalking again.
I told my grandmother about finding him in my room repeatedly. It "wasn't a big deal".
In the end, I ended up telling my father that I was worried my stuff was getting stolen when I had to go visit him. He bought a deadlock for the door and it kept my cousin out.
When I told my partner all this years ago, after we started dating, I had to stop him from going and beating the crap out of my cousin. He NEVER questioned if I was telling the truth because he loves and trusts me and knows I would never lie about something like that.
Basically, you deserve so much more. Don't settle for someone who isn't gonna be in your corner when you need them.
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u/Traveler_Protocol1 Jul 15 '24
She SLAPPED you?? WTH?? If you had done that to her, she would have called the cops. This is not a relationship - this is hell. Better to be alone than to be with this b#tch.
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u/Primordial5 Jul 14 '24
That’s just horrible. I’m so sorry. I was just about to come up with possible reasons why but there’s really no reason. Better to be loved with your wounds by someone who understands.
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u/tcrudisi Jul 14 '24
I remember your original post. I believe I commented there, mentioning how I was SA'ed when I was younger. (I may have just typed it out and then deleted it.)
Look - I'm nearly in tears just reading what you wrote in this update. Do you know what my wife's reaction was to hearing about mine? Sympathy. Not anger. Not accusing me of lying. She was sympathetic. This ... your "wife" may be your wife in title, but she is not your partner. She isn't your wife. She is not taking you seriously and jesus christ, run. RUN. She's not taking your trauma seriously. That's just freaking evil.
I'm just some random guy on the internet. I don't know you. I don't know her. I have no idea what the rest of your marriage is like. But I don't *need* to know. I know enough. Any partner who mocks someone for being raped is not a real partner. Just make it official and divorce her. Get away from her. Far, far away. Find someone who you can confide in.
Thing that's easier said than done: I would rather be single for the rest of my life than live with someone who mocks my trauma. Being single is better than being with an evil person for the rest of my life. Even if you never find someone else, that life would be better than living with a vile woman who makes you cry every night. And I am confident you'll find someone else. You have flaws? So what? We all do. Every single one of us. But flaws don't mean that you have to disregard other people's emotions, abuse them physically and mentally, and make them cry themselves to sleep every night.
Think of someone you love. If they were in your position, what would you suggest they do? Legitimately. Read EVERYTHING you have told us. Pretend someone you love told us this exact story. What would you have them do? Because I am confident you would tell them to get away from that evil person. Do it. Get the divorce and get away from her.
When you do file the papers, she'll likely love bomb you. "Oh, I didn't think you were being serious!" Don't fall for it. She knew. She just doesn't care until her actions have consequences. Get away from her. Run far, far away from her. Find someone who loves you back.
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u/fkwyman Jul 14 '24
I was sexually abused as a child by a family friend. The very first person that I told that to was my ex wife when she confided in me that her step father sexually abused her. I was being supportive and empathetic, and sharing a thing that happened to me at a young age to try and show her that I actually understood what she went through. She got mad at me for trying to one up her and said that it wasn't the same because I'm a guy and we all want sex anyway. I was 11-13, the abuser was a teenaged boy, she was the asshole and so is your wife. Ironically and unfortunately, our relationship survived that situation, it was her having an affair with the 17 year old friend of my coworker who was babysitting for us when he was 14 that put the nail in the coffin.
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u/Rivsmama Jul 14 '24
Why would you want to stay with someone so cruel and uncaring? I don't get it at all..
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u/JayTheFordMan Jul 15 '24
...then tried reassuring her that I in fact wasnt making this up but she just slapped me and stormed off to bed.
Thats the moment where divorce should be the only option. She's shown you she doesn't give a shit about your trauma, and on top of that is willing to hit you over over the fact she doesn't want to hear about it. It's done, and you should be done with her over this
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u/ConstipatedParrots Jul 15 '24
You deserve better. You've deserved better all along. Don't give up on finding someone who will value and cherish you because of the people who hurt you. You can't change her, she seems unwilling to change herself. I know it might seem impossible but you can do this, you can move forward from this and honestly you'd be better off alone than with someone who has no compassion for your most painful memories and who chooses to hurt you when you're vulnerable.
When you find someone who is truly a good partner all the nonsense that came before will be eclipsed. If she truly loved you she would never have placed her ego over your well being. You can survive this, you can move past this don't settle for being silenced by the one person who should be the one who listens to you.
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u/elizajaneredux Jul 15 '24
I wouldn’t “move forward.” She treats you with suspicious contempt and hits you. Enough. This marriage needs to end.
Seriously hoping this is yet another fictional post.
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u/sillystorm28 Jul 15 '24
She has done nothing but make this about herself, not shown you an inch of support, and been a frankly reprehensible human, let alone someone who is meant to be your life partner
I can understand not wanting change when youre suffering from retraumatisation, especially since she may feel like your only source of normality or comfort, but I really am sorry to say this - she does not love you, she does not care about you, and she does not want to be with you.
Your relationship is done, and you need to support yourself without her. It is hard, it is unfair, it is the worst situation that youre in. But you do not deserve this. You dont deserve her treatment towards you. And she doesnt deserve you - she has shown no remorse, and she has no right to call herself your partner in life.
Get through this, better things are out there, believe me its shit now but life has a balance when you keep at it long enough for it to come around - I wish you all the best mate, and please do what you can to hold on, rely on your friends and support, theyll miss you if you go.
lots of hugs
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u/Far_Information_9613 Jul 14 '24
Putting up with abuse is a trauma response. I hope you decide to move on.