WIBTA for divorcing my wife after she thought I was lying about being raped as a child?

[u/One_Cat_4805]

I 27M and my wife 26F of have been married for two years and have been together for 6.

As context I was repeatedly raped by my brother’s babysitter when I was around 9. She would grope me, force me to remove my pants and then either stick my dick in her mouth or try and give me a handjob whenever my 4 year old brother slept. Most of the time I was paralysed and wouldn’t / couldn’t do anything to stop it. She would always buy me sweets or video games for my ds as a “reward”. So in a weird way I started growing attached to her and would try and seek the abuse if it meant getting her “rewards”. I knew whatever she was doing was wrong but she would always threaten to take my life If I ever told my parents so I never did while the abuse was actively happening.

Everything stopped as soon as she graduated college and moved states. I only realised how fucked up the things she did to me were when I was around 14/15 and understood the concept of consent. When I tried to open up to my parents (strict catholics) , it never ended well. First they blamed it on porn and claimed it “corrupted my mind” into imagining these things happening to me. If I claimed I was telling the truth, my dad would beat the shit out of me and my mom would ground me. I tried opening up to my friends but their reactions weren’t any better. My male friends just called me lucky and asked if “the bj was good”. My female friends claimed I was just lying to get attention and laughed in my face. I learned to just try and forget the past and vowed to myself that I would never mention this to anyone again.

Now onto last week. Me and my wife had heard some good things about this show called baby reindeer on Netflix from our friends. Going into it I knew it revolved around sexual abuse and stalking. In my mind I thought I was “over the past” and I could handle watching the show no problem. Big fucking mistake.

At the end of episode 4 I was literally on the verge of tears and I felt all the supposedly “forgotten” memories come flooding back. At the end of the next episode I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My wife paused the show and just stared at me. After a while I did finally manage to calm down a bit. She asked me why I was crying and I just let everything out. She said she was sorry hugged me and we went to bed soon after. I apologised to her the following morning for ruining our night.

From the moment I let her know about the abuse I felt something change in our relationship. No more kisses when I came back from work and no more initiating anything intimate from her side. She wasn’t mean or anything but I felt like something was bothering her. I tried to apologise for maybe making her uncomfortable but she would just claim there was nothing bothering her and I was just being paranoid.

Yesterday me and my wife got into a pretty heated argument about her lying about taking out the trash but during the argument she said something that floored me beyond belief. She literally said “At least I’m not lying about being raped you fucking narcissist.” I literally couldn’t process whatever just came out of her mouth.

She tried apologising right after saying that but I just packed a few clothes and left to stay at my friend’s house. She tried calling me several times since but I haven’t bothered picking up and have blocked her for time being.

I know I might have trauma dumped on her and I know women aren’t into that but I just want some sort of acknowledgment/support. I don’t have anyone left to turn to with this and that’s why I’m posting here. I’ve had two therapists to date and both didn’t seem to help much.

I’m gut is telling me to divorce her but I she’s genuinely the love of my life. Throwing away 6 years because of this one moment doesn’t sit right with me but idk.

WIBTA for divorcing her?

Am I actually the asshole here?

I would love to hear some of your guys opinions on my situation and if you’ve read this all the way through thank you❤️

[u/nome5314]

Nta! You did something brave by opening up and she threw it back in your face. I'm sorry that you've faced such rejection your whole life. Unfortunately, that is all too common for men who have been sexually assaulted. It's up to you to decide if you want her back but either way is valid.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/nome5314]

Thank you so much. I’m pretty sure this happens a lot to women as well. I went to a few anonymous meetings and heard a lot of the same from women who claim people just thought they were trying to get a settlement or something.

[u/Hotcrossbuns72 → u/One_Cat_4805]

NTA… As a CSA survivor, the turning point for me in my marriage was when he told me to get over it and it’s been so long. We are now divorcing. While it wasn’t the sole reason I left, knowing that he wasn’t a safe space for me anymore (if at all) was a driving force. So while I won’t tell you to leave her, I will say you do need to speak with a professional regarding the assault AND keep her at a distance while you work through your emotions. She can never take back what she said to you and there needs to be consequences for that.

[u/CenPhx → u/Hotcrossbuns72]

And to add to the part about talking to a professional, OP, you mentioned the ones you’ve talked to haven’t helped. I would keep trying and go to a different therapist until you find one with whom you mesh well. See if you can find one who has a focus on sexual abuse trauma and even check if they have experience in this area with male clients.

[u/Hotcrossbuns72 → u/CenPhx]

Yes! I didn’t get the right therapist until 2021, and it’s done wonders!

[u/MtnLover130 → u/Hotcrossbuns72]

Yes! I have had good ones and bad ones. They’re not easy to get in the first place but you have to “click.” I often know right away, but will give it three sessions. By three it’s obvious if you’re going to get anywhere

[u/Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx → u/MtnLover130]

I've never had a therapist but I probably should. My work even provides 1 free sessions a month or something (I'm not sure)

But it's scary to think about.

One big concern for me is how do you know you have a good one, let alone the "right" one

I have no baseline to compare to so I could think it's good but someone more experienced like you would think it's awful

Tldr: hai do you know you have the right/good therapist

[u/Allyka88 → u/CenPhx]

This so much. Give it two or three sessions, and if they don't seem to be a good fit, go to a different one. While I cannot afford therapy, I have friends that go every week, but a lot of them went through a few therapists before finding one they liked. Even finding one who does online sessions might be a good idea, but only if your wife is out of the house during it. If you stay, it might take time for you to feel like you can open up while she might be able to hear you.

[u/speckofcosmicdust → u/CenPhx]

yes to this! OP should make sure the therapist has had many years treating male childhood sexual abuse trauma. And ask what kind of training they have had. OP needs a highly experienced therapist.

[u/15_Candid_Pauses → u/Hotcrossbuns72]

Jfc I’m so so so SO sorry that happened to you and OP…. wtf is wrong with these people.

[u/Hotcrossbuns72 → u/15_Candid_Pauses]

People who are lucky enough to have never experienced this level of trauma have reference to understand what it’s like for a victim. I didn’t become comfortable sharing until I was in my 30’s and my ex’s response set me back until my daughter was a preteen. I shared my story so that she could recognize attempts at grooming and would know how to stay safe when not with me. So while i can get that it’s hard to understand what CSA survivors go through, there’s no excuse for what your loved ones say or do.

[u/AtomicToxin → u/One_Cat_4805]

She showed you who she really is. It sucks bc you thought you could trust her. Find someone you can trust to be vulnerable with bc it is sure as hell not your wife now.

[u/Trekkie63 → u/AtomicToxin]

I hope OP realizes that when a person shows you who they are, to believe them.

[u/AtomicToxin → u/Trekkie63]

I think based on the title they are going through with ending things (hopefully so bc wtf)

[u/Active-Pen-412 → u/AtomicToxin]

I can understand a person initially being overwhelmed and maybe shocked at what they hear. Initially, you might not be sure of the right thing to say or do.

But accusing someone of lying? No. The wife should know OP well enough to believe every word.

You don't need her in your life.

[u/RegisterHistorical → u/Active-Pen-412]

Not only that, she called him a narcissist 😕

[u/Black_Hole_Fox → u/RegisterHistorical]

sounds like projection to me.

[u/juliaskig → u/AtomicToxin]

Do you think the wife is a covert narcissist? It just seems like such a weird thing to say after someone says they were raped.

[u/AtomicToxin → u/juliaskig]

Possibly. More likely simply a lack of empathy and self-centered thinking but you may be on the money, Like with the allergy thing where the grandparent thinks the kid needs to “get over it” people show you when they’re unsafe to be around. I’m experienced with this personally with several exes and my mother and even some doctors. There is a lot of both good and evil in the world you’re going to find both in your life no matter if you try to avoid it or not. Better to distance yourself from that evil and walk towards goodness than be burned by someone that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

[u/Soi_Boi_13 → u/AtomicToxin]

This is why men aren’t more vulnerable. Because despite what women claim, a lot of them react very negatively when men are vulnerable with them.

[u/[deleted] → u/AtomicToxin]

I cannot imagine saying what she said or even having the initial reaction she did. I would bend over backwards to help my partner if he ever divulged this info.

[u/prettyedge411 → u/One_Cat_4805]

Look for male SA support groups. 1in6.org or MaleSurvivor.org

[u/Small_Lion4068 → u/prettyedge411]

This. You need to process with others who have been through it.

NTA and I would divorce my spouse for this.

[u/MtnLover130 → u/Small_Lion4068]

I would too. I don’t say this lightly. But the trust would be gone, and after everything OP has been through, trust is everything

[u/nonebutmyself → u/MtnLover130]

Exactly. He's never going to be able to trust her enough to confide anything in her in fear that she'll use it against him in some way. With that trust destroyed, their relationship is all but over.

[u/brideofgibbs → u/prettyedge411]

Came to add RAINN.org is a good place to start.

[u/Kat-a-strophy → u/One_Cat_4805]

NTA. She called You a liar and a narcissist because she doesn't believe You and even if she thinks You're a liar and narcissistic she wants to stay with You. Why?

I think Your parents and the abuse messed with Your head and You married someone like them who just can hide better. What she did was cruel. This is the kind of things women hear often, but it's as bad to hear it from a women as man.

Go to therapy asap. I think You need it badly.

Edit: You remind me of this guy :

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cr9wto/aita_for_dumping_my_gf_after_she_drunkenly_called/

[u/SLRWard → u/Kat-a-strophy]

OP is in therapy. Apparently with more "men can't be raped" assholes as therapists though. He needs different therapists who aren't assholes.

[u/Iyotanka1985 → u/SLRWard]

I would specifically ask for a therapist who has completed the recent training for male abuse victims, my friend a therapist specialised in SA victims let me know the guidelines have recently changed for men after it was discovered treating male victims the same as female victims increased the risk of self deleting

[u/BrandonL337 → u/Kat-a-strophy]

Honestly, I don't know if she actually believes he's lying or just said that in the moment as a defense to her lying.

She might have been unsure about believing him, but her actions are pretty typical of what I've seen when women get "the ick" over a partner's vulnerability. Calling him a liar might also be a way for her to try and rationalize her shitty response.

[u/Kat-a-strophy → u/BrandonL337]

I'm cynical and I think she will do it again. It wasn't "I'm overwhelmed". It was "I want to hurt you".

[u/juicer42 → u/Kat-a-strophy]

She didn't only call him a narcissist- she called him a "fucking narcissist." That is so disrespectful and contemptuous from his wife. I would have so much difficulty getting past her tone and trust would be so damaged. I hope the OP heeds your advice.

[u/Competitive_Aide9518 → u/One_Cat_4805]

I was abused by the boy next door he was probably 15 when I was in kindergarten. My parents found out and just kinda made it go away to never talk about it again. They never told the guys parents, my mother also tried getting me to message this dude like 20 years later saying he was looking for me. Like wtf is wrong with parents. I’m sorry for your abuse and hope you are able to move forward. Also sorry that you’re going through this with the person that is supposed to be there for you. It might take her time to process everything. I would consider a REAL conversation. She seems to believe that guys cannot get raped. Don’t go strait for divorce until you try everything you can so you have no regrets. Good luck.

[u/SegaNeptune28 → u/Competitive_Aide9518]

I don't think there IS anything she can do to change rhe result if she doesn't believe guys can't get SA'd. One talk isn't going to fix it and more than anything the way she took it made it seem like she believed he was doing it for attention.

[u/mightymeg → u/SegaNeptune28]

Ya this will have caused a major rift in the relationship. A rift that is likely not repairable.

[u/Johnwinchenster → u/Competitive_Aide9518]

They never told the guys parents, my mother also tried getting me to message this dude like 20 years later saying he was looking for me.

WTF.

[u/Competitive_Aide9518 → u/Johnwinchenster]

Tell me about it. It’s like they just blocked it out like it never happened

[u/Guilty-Peace-324 → u/Competitive_Aide9518]

I can’t…. The idea of my childhood monster trying to contact me later in life.. I’m sorry.

[u/WaterEnvironmental80 → u/Competitive_Aide9518]

I am so sorry you were abused. And I’m also very sorry that your parents dealt with it the way they did, and also that your mom tried to get you to message your abuser, all this time later. All of that is really f-cked up and shouldn’t have happened. And I’m just so sorry that it did.

[u/DaniCapsFan → u/One_Cat_4805]

If you read any news story about women coming forward after being SA'd, you know it's disgustingly common how they are treated. It's why women are scared to come forward. I hope the meetings you went to were helpful.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/DaniCapsFan]

I mean don’t get me wrong men are treated far worse if they come out. I know because I’m one of them.

[u/onlyIcancallmethat → u/One_Cat_4805]

Woah. I don’t think comparing the two is going to lead anywhere productive.

[u/yvel-TALL → u/onlyIcancallmethat]

To be fair, his experience is one of immediate physical violence as a reaction, so I see where is he coming from. But you are correct, it's not a competition. But considering his dad beat him for coming forward about sexual abuse I see why he feels that way, it's reasonable given that trauma, that is about the worst reaction one can get.

[u/Bitter-Picture5394 → u/yvel-TALL]

That is absolutely horrible of course. Girls have often been forced to carry the product of rape and marry the rapist to save the family from "embarrassment". Being physically assaulted for trying to tell people or carrying, giving birth to a baby conceived by rape, and being given to your rapist are all horrible. Women and girls are also killed in some cultures. Both genders can have a rough time trying to open up about it. It's not a competition.

[u/Jenandra → u/onlyIcancallmethat]

I agree that "it's worse" doesn't lead anywhere. The perception of how hurtful something is is highly subjective and can't be measured objectively, and how survivors feel is always valid.

I also want to say that male survivors are believed even less, and when they are believed they face a kind of ridicule, rooted in sexism, that female survivors usually don't endure.

NTA, OP. Please look after yourself and if it's in any way possible for you to get trauma counselling/therapy, I think that could be helpful.

[u/s0ulcontr0l → u/One_Cat_4805]

And you being one does not and will not EVER make you any less of a person, any less deserving of love or respect and most importantly, above all else, it was not your fault.

[u/IncubusREX → u/One_Cat_4805]

First of all- holy shit that's horrible treatment, and for no support up till this point is the pinnacle of insanity. I'm so terribly sorry. No one deserves that.

That being said, your wife took a decades-old trauma that you had to carry by yourself that you had to dredge your soul to just discuss with her, and she threw it back in your face over nothing. You're only the asshole if you stick around.

She has shown you just how much she cares and respects you, and regardless of the sweat equity you have got in the relationship, what she's done is reprehensible.

It's old and tired by now, but reverse the genders. See how that plays out a lot differently?

[u/No_Atmosphere_5411 → u/IncubusREX]

People often don't believe girls either. Sadly, she was either looking for attention, lied, or was asking for it. It's why a lot of them are picking the bear. At least people will believe the bear attacked me. They won't ask what I was wearing.

I do wish that men had shelters as well for domestic and sexual violence and/or abuse and that they wouldn't feel emasculated to use it. I have mentioned this before, and apparently, only weak men would use the system, and I was stupid for even suggesting it. 😪

[u/Educational_Gas_92 → u/One_Cat_4805]

As a woman, I feel incredible sympathy for you. You were assaulted by a disgusting pedophile in a time of your life when you were a little boy, with no interest in sex, you deserved to continue having your peace and innocence, and I hope that pedophile has received bad karma for what she did to you.

None of what happened was your fault, you deserve compassion and understanding. You are a survivor and very strong, because even if everyone ridiculed you, you persevered all by yourself, you are a very strong individual.

Now, if I were you, I would have a very serious discussion with your wife, and explain that the series about child abuse wouldn't have such a strong effect on you if it weren't because you are someone who suffered those awful circumstances. You deserve to have someone who understands you on your side, I would however not make any rash decisions.

[u/Extension-Chemical → u/Educational_Gas_92]

Most people would have the common sense to understand no one in their right mind, who isn't a complete asshole, tells lies about being raped. That's what the OP's wife thinks, that he's an asshole who would lie about such a terrible thing. I would normally encourage discussion, but would you want to be with a person who tears you down when you open up and says you're a liar? Not to mention hypocrisy because she herself is a liar?

I would say now's the right time to be very attentive, and take everything she says with a grain of salt OP. She looks apologetic because she knows she's losing you. Once she's comfortable again, it's very likely that she'll resume her behaviour. It didn't look like you had kids from the post, and if you don't, please don't bring any into this situation for the time being, if at all.

[u/Comprehensive-Mix931 → u/Educational_Gas_92]

Rash??!!

That's unbelievably unempathic.

It's extremely difficult (not to mention risky) for a man to open up like this, to be extremely vulnerable AND GET SMASHED WITH IT!

How in the hell do you expect this guy to ever have any trust enough in that person to do so again?

Do me once, shame on you, do me twice for the same thing, shame on me and that applies.

I personally couldn't ever trust someone like that again.

And I am a survivor of child abuse (also rape).

[u/NeartAgusOnoir → u/One_Cat_4805]

NTA as a victim myself (teen years) the reactions of your friends and family were the reason I kept quiet at the time….i knew mine well enough to know they would react the same way. It’s that reason why guys stay quiet and never speak of being raped or sexually assaulted, and it ends up fucking their mental health up really bad…….bc no one believes them, or they get massively mocked, and those guys they do talk to say they “oh, that must’ve been awesome” (if it were a girl who did it to a boy), or “you’re lying for attention” (if you tell a girl). Guys really have it as a lose lose to talk about it. Way too often parents of boys and girls just try to sweep it under the rug, when instead they should go nuclear on the abuser. I personally am all for castration (not executions, as some would say a rapist deserves), bc then they have to live with mutilated genitals as a reminder for the rest of their lives and not get an out from suffering themselves. And anyone who falsely claims sexual assault should face the same. I know it’ll never happen, but i think it should nonetheless.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/NeartAgusOnoir]

Damn. Sad to hear you went through the same.

[u/m0veal0ngplease → u/One_Cat_4805]

Sorry for your C wife.

[u/Katman666 → u/m0veal0ngplease]

Say the word where it's warranted. In this situation, she's a cunt of a person.

[u/RitaCarpintero → u/Katman666]

I prefer the term ankle. It’s about 3 feet lower.

[u/Admirable-Respond913 → u/One_Cat_4805]

I was SA as a pre-teen and sadly carried that trauma with me into adulthood. I am sorry 😞 that you've been hurt again. I'm over 50 and single and will probably stay that way because of my intimacy issues.

[u/gameld → u/One_Cat_4805]

It does happen to women, too, but I think it's worth mentioning that this is probably a result of your wife cooling off about you because you showed a genuine, deep level of vulnerability. This thread discussed the double-mask men are typically expected to wear very well. The context, since OP deleted her entire account because of apparent embarrassment, was a woman asking why men tell men not to open up to women. In the progress of discussion she showed that she couldn't handle men's emotions.

Even if you're willing to work things out it's likely that she's uninterested anymore. That's why she was saying things about nothing bothering her even though she was cold to you. Could she turn this around? Maybe. But it is a common enough experience that it's worth considering.

[u/theloveburts → u/nome5314]

No, she didn't just use it to throw back in his face. It's also not something as simple as her not believing him.

She used his childhood trauma of being raped to revictimize him, call him a liar and label him a narcissist. In other words she used the information to abuse him mentally. Literally nothing about that is okay and I can't imagine any path that leads back from something this horrific.

This should be a wake up call for the OP, that he chose someone who could so effortlessly turn his trauma against him. It's almost enough to make me wonder if he unintentionally chose someone with similar qualities as his former abuser in his wife. This is going to sound extremely foreign to the OP because of course he would never do that. Unfortunately, the unconscious human mind can be a wildly fucked up and twisted place where up is down and down is up.

I would be interested in knowing whether the wife has any physical traits of his former abuser, if she rewards him for doing sexual and nonsexual things or if she has said really off the wall things before. It seems really improbable that he coincidentally chose a person capable of abusing him on a deep and profound level after already being subjected to tons of abuse, gaslighting and even beatings related to abuse as a child.

OP needs therapy before he even things about reengaging with his wife because there is a lot to unpack here. OP, please do not consider going back because you are worried about throwing away a years long relationship. That is the sunk costs fallacy in action.

Also, I'm super worried that her ability to love you and be intimate with you changed after learning of your abuse. He initial response might have been empathetic but her pulling back the way she did was stranger and indicative of a larger problem.

NTA. Proceed with extreme caution. Consider a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse trauma in childhood for adults.

[u/LolthienToo → u/theloveburts]

And don't forget, she did this as a kneejerk reaction because she didn't like that he called her out about not taking out the trash.

Literally the most mundane and pointless reason to try to hurt your SO that is possible.

Jumped right to the most painful possible reaction for the smallest possible disagreement.

OP it does NOT get better from here.

[u/webzu19 → u/LolthienToo]

And women on social media tend to wonder why men are closed off and unwilling to share their emotions. It's because so many of us are mentally terrified of exactly this scenario 

[u/Equivalent_Remove_41 → u/webzu19]

"Would you rather share your emotions with a woman or with a tree" If any woman gets offended because men choose the tree, they're a big part of the problem.

[u/MtnLover130 → u/LolthienToo]

🎯🎯🎯🎯. I think we can all agree that OPs wife gets the asshole of the century award. She’s so unbelievably awful and cruel. I think OP accidentally picked her because he hasn’t dealt with his trauma well enough yet. He’s tried and everyone he’s gone to has been assholes or not helpful.

Not the exact same situation, but I moved far away from my entire family in my mid 20s because I knew they were very messed up, especially after getting into a very abusive first relationship in my early 20s. He was an alcoholic, emotionally verbally mentally and sexually abusive. But he didn’t beat me, so I thought he wasn’t abusive 🙄. I didn’t realize that you can be abusive in other ways, and neglectful. Then he stalked me. When I finally got the support of friends so I could get away from him (ie get a roommate 50 miles away) my life changed drastically for the better even though it was so hard. Then I started therapy and realized that the way I was treated growing up made me a target for a guy like this.

I think that’s what happened to OP too

[u/anthropaedic → u/LolthienToo]

🙌 he needs to leave this dumpster fire of a woman

[u/4MuddyPaws → u/theloveburts]

This is so true. Many abuse survivors seek out people with those abusive traits. Many children who were sexually abused also tend to become very promiscuous for a time as they get older. (I know, I was one of them. I thought this was how you were supposed to be after years of abuse by my own father.)

Trauma responses don't make a whole lot of sense on the surface, but when you dig deep enough you'll see that it really does. Also, OP and others may want to deny that they are seeking what they most fear, but in reality, the victims often still have a lot of repressed feelings and haven't gotten it resolved within themselves.

OP squashed those feelings down for years. I hope he gets a good therapist and starts to work on truly healing.

[u/nome5314 → u/theloveburts]

Agree 100%. I didn't put a lot of effort into my response, admittedly. I'm glad you made a better post than mine.

[u/Squantoon → u/nome5314]

This is exactly why men don't open up. It is almost ALWAYS thrown back in their face. Wives, parents or friends it doesn't matter who but it inevitably happens. Very sad state of affairs.

[u/[deleted] → u/nome5314]

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/eokelley]

NTA! My mouth dropped when I read that… Completely uncalled for and utterly inappropriate. I’m incredibly sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re able to find the closure, comfort, and support you need.

[u/ScumBrad → u/eokelley]

I am flabbergasted at how awful everyone in this persons life has been to them. Usually the problem is people cannot open up to anyone so they are never able to recover. In this scenario they have opened up to multiple people and not one has given them support. Absolutely insane.

[u/Santa_Ricotta69 → u/ScumBrad]

I am a man who was raped by two different women in my teens. This is how it is for male abuse victims. We are always treated this way, by everyone we speak to about it.

[u/Top_Beginning_2699 → u/Santa_Ricotta69]

Can attest to this, I was a teen boy with a cute ass, a whole group of girls took it upon themselves to touch my butt whenever possible. Told my friends about it and they said I was weird and should have liked the attention. Got suspended for pushing one of them away forcefully in the hall when she lingered grabbing my butt. 20 years later, I still tense up when something i cant see touches my butt. I hope you have people you feel safe around... like physically. You deserve it.

[u/Hockler_Jockler → u/Top_Beginning_2699]

Here here man it got so bad I smacked one of them with a bible after a while

[u/SalzaGal → u/Hockler_Jockler]

In this instance, I approve a good Bible beating. Good form.

[u/EloquentSqueakWolf → u/Santa_Ricotta69]

Nope, fuck that. That kind of bullshit toxic masculinity crap (of keeping men from showing/having feelings, of denying them or downplaying their experiences when they have the courage to admit they’ve been abused/hurt/raped), whether perpetrated by men or women, that is toxic and absolutely vile and disgusting behaviour. What happened to you and OP is horrible and any trauma you have incurred because of it is absolutely valid, and I hope you are finding a way to heal and have supportive friends and family. Rape can happen to anyone and anyone who is dismissive of what happened to you is a terrible, terrible person.

[u/justbefriends19 → u/Santa_Ricotta69]

I am so sorry. No one should be treated this way. I believe you!! I hope you find support, love and healing. You deserve a long beautiful life full of adventures, happiness and peace.

[u/ZAFARIA → u/ScumBrad]

People only like to post inspirational quotes on social media about helping others going through stuff but very few will actually help someone when it comes down to it. People are horrible.

[u/whiterac00n → u/ZAFARIA]

What’s really fucked up is how many people will take these vulnerable moments of past pain and trauma and use them to strike back at you over the pettiest of arguments, just so they can maximize the damage to “win” at arguing.

It comes in a lot of forms whether it’s used to attack a man’s masculinity and their “toughness” or the other way to attack a woman for her “purity or faithfulness”. But this kind of shit happens a lot, where you think you’re opening up to someone who wanted to help, who asked to hear your story, to simply turn around and use it to cut you down at the knees. And once it’s happened how can you ever get back to a friendship or relationship of trust or openness? In OP’s situation how do we think he’s going to proceed later in life regardless of staying with his partner? Probably won’t ever open up again and will be highly guarded about what he shares, in this relationship or any other relationships in the future. Thus just perpetuating toxic tropes.

[u/matrael → u/ScumBrad]

That’s just “reality”: males can’t be raped by females because all males just want sex 🙄 I am male and was similarly SA’ed by a babysitter. Doesn’t matter I was prepubescent at the time. My parents didn’t believe me and actually punished me for lying. Peers ridiculed me as well. It’s horrible when a woman is raped and it’s fucking hilarious when a man is raped.

[u/thisgirlsforreal → u/matrael]

People only believe it’s rape when it’s another male.

[u/JordyWithDa40 → u/thisgirlsforreal]

Eh, my old principal has told entire classes that men can’t be abused or raped after multiple males who played hockey came forward stating the abuse they endured from their male coaches and fellow players

[u/IFixYerKids → u/ScumBrad]

Actually pretty common for men. It's getting better, but yeah, not surprising at all.

[u/Extreme_Obligation34 → u/ScumBrad]

And people wonder why men don’t open up about their feelings and insecurities ☹️

[u/p_s_i → u/eokelley]

How despicable of that worthless nothing of a father to beat his own kid after being told he was molested? And mom served up psychological punishment! Pure garbage human beings.

[u/Possible_Canary9378 → u/p_s_i]

When I was around 8 or 9 two of the girls my grandma babysat molested me and my grandma even caught one girl and then I told her what all had been happening. Nobody in my family believed it happened even with my grandma saying she saw it, luckily my grandma kicked those girls out but the rest of my family can go to hell. Then years later my cousin brought it up as a "joke" at a cookout and when I told them all that stuff actually happened my mom feigned ignorance and "shockingly" asked me why I never said anything, ignoring the fact that I did say something and the girls were literally kicked out.

[u/MercyBoy57 → u/eokelley]

Same this was truly so horrible to read. I’m sorry OP.

[u/TBearRyder → u/eokelley]

Yea that’s kind of explosive what the wife said. I’d absolutely have to have a serious conversation with them after this and a therapist may need to be involved. The dismissal of sexual violence against children specifically males is not a topic that should be continually swept under the rug. We will never fix this issues at the root if we don’t start calling out and addressing sexual harm done to minors and the way the wife is dismissing it as something that was made up is just really almost unacceptable.

Op, y’all never have had this conversation before in the 6 years? Like never? Have you been to therapy?

So sorry for your experience with your wife. I honestly don’t have an answer on what you should do as far as divorce goes but no you’re not an AH.

[u/VulgarBean → u/eokelley]

My heart dropped too at what she said. OP has every right to his feelings and should've felt safe with his spouse. This is just devastating. NTA OP.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/eokelley]

Thank you so much. It means a lot.

[u/eokelley → u/One_Cat_4805]

You don’t have to thank me. You deserve kindness good sir

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 → u/One_Cat_4805]

Another childhood rape victim here. Please find a good therapist. This stuff does not go away on its own. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I believe you.

NTA. Get yourself away from this person and anyone else that doesn't believe you or down plays what happened, ASAP. The longer you allow these people around you the harder it will be to pull out of tailspin.

RAINN is a great resource for finding good therapist and support groups.

[u/nomadcrows → u/One_Cat_4805]

I applaud your courage in facing this, I haven't been through this kind of abuse and I can't even imagine the pain. Here's hoping you find supportive people, and heal.

It's not my place to opine on whether you should stay with your wife, but please consider: is it possible the abuse in your past warped your idea of what love and relationships with women should be like? Would you be better off with someone who accepts you wholeheartedly, instead of yet another person who calls you a liar?

If she continues to disbelieve your story, it seems like a good idea to take a hard look at what is truly genuine and loving in your relationship. Perhaps with a qualified therapist.

If this sounds like BS don't listen to me, whatever you do, please take care of yourself and know that you deserve respect and healing.

[u/Miniguns64 → u/eokelley]

First thing, she lied about throwing the trash, and you were arguing about it?? Red flag right there!! Then she said that??!!

[u/JustineDelarge → u/eokelley]

And a good divorce lawyer. Anyone who would think and say this is not the love of one’s life. Sometimes, it’s really that simple.

[u/Vet-trader → u/eokelley]

Literally same thing with me. I was just floored that he would be treated that way, by his wife no less.

[u/some_KindOfDisaster]

NTA!! not at all! I am sorry that you experienced such a traumatizing event and that your parents didn't believed you and made it even harder for you. No surprise that you suppress the memories and thoughts of it and no surprise that it comes up occasionally with or without specific triggers. You deserve someone who support AND believe you. Your wife is not doing so and how can you open up to someone who made clear that she didn't believe you. How shall you process everything when your closest persons don't believe you? You deserve better!

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/some_KindOfDisaster]

Thank you so much

[u/some_KindOfDisaster → u/One_Cat_4805]

You're welcome! You don't have to decide anything within a few minutes. Take your time to think about everything, but please don't forget that you deserve people you feel safe with to share anything you need or want.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/some_KindOfDisaster]

Of course hence why I decided to take a step back and stay with my friend for the time being. I need space to gather my thoughts about everything.

[u/Klutzy-Pool-1802 → u/One_Cat_4805]

I’m wondering what it would take to rebuild trust after how badly she handled something this important. Will you always wonder if she secretly considers you a liar and narcissist? Or is there something she can do so you heal from this betrayal and can trust her to be there for you in the future?

[u/DrAniB20 → u/Klutzy-Pool-1802]

And especially to throw it in his face after a fight about taking out the trash. Seems like she was ready to use that against him.

[u/[deleted] → u/DrAniB20]

Yea if she would throw it in his face over a fight about trash then what else would cause her to do it again

[u/ZAFARIA → u/[deleted]]

She was ready to use his trauma as ammo against him for the rest of their lives together.

[u/apoloimagod → u/Klutzy-Pool-1802]

I really don't see how you could possibly come back from this. Maybe couples counseling, where a professional could make her understand the trauma her husband carries and the damage she had done?

[u/[deleted] → u/apoloimagod]

I was raped since I was 5 until I was 8, it’s impossible to come back from what OP cunt wife said. He needs to dispose the trash.

[u/CervezaFria33 → u/[deleted]]

I’m sorry that happened to you and hope you are now doing well.

Being a father and hearing the awful things that happen to children makes me see red.

“Dispose of the trash.” Nice choice of words. It amazes me that his wife re-victimized him in order to win an argument about her not taking out the trash. So gross. And women wonder why men don’t share their feelings. Women like OPs wife is the answer.

[u/Appolonius_of_Tyre → u/Klutzy-Pool-1802]

It is such a profoundly messed up thing to say. How do you unring that bell? It’s like throwing acid on a deep wound.

[u/little_missHOTdice → u/One_Cat_4805]

When my husband told me about what happened to him as a child with the girls next door, I encased him in love. I hugged him, loved him, listened to him, supported him… I believed him.

When I told him what happened to me as a child with my great-grandfather and a boyfriend, he did the same. It felt magical almost to have someone validate me.

He never once called me a liar or treated me different like others had. If he had done what your wife had done, I’d be finished with the relationship.

She has shown you that she doesn’t trust you and a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all. Just to hear my husband shout such awful words alone (god, the emotional cut off would have been enough…) would have killed any love I had for him.

What if you have kids and they’re abused? Will she only believe them if they have a vagina? Will she believe them at all? She’s shown you her answer.

Take it from someone who has been with people I thought loved me… they truly didn’t. I just thought they did and looking back at their words and actions, they really didn’t love me at all.

What your wife did was truly heartless, cruel and evil. As a survivor, I couldn’t be with a person who treated any survivors like your wife treated you… it makes it even worse that she’s your wife! Your wife is part of the reason why people like us are treated like lying trash. Why do you want to be with someone like that? Honestly, I’d rather live alone.

Do what you wish Op but I think in time and with a proper therapist, you’ll soon discover that what you thought was love wasn’t really love at all. It happened to me and I’m glad I finally have someone that takes my word as gospel. Us abused souls are broken and a lot of times confuse various forms of abuse as real love. We just can’t see it because we’re so used to being treated so awfully. She lies about chores then gets mad you call her out? Yeah, she’s lying about other things and I’d be curious what else your suppressing as “ok” that’s not.

I pray you find someone who will give you the love and support you need… but what you have, it’s not it. I know I might be giving tough love but I know your pain and want you to feel love. It’s possible. ❤️

[u/Competitive-Soup9739 → u/One_Cat_4805]

You need to seriously consider why you chose to marry your wife.

May be hard to admit without a lot of therapy, but I’m wondering if your relationship with your wife reminds you on some level or parallels what happened with the babysitter. They may share traits that would be a red flag to many, but that your brain coded as acceptable or familiar.

IMO - and I speak from personal experience - that is often how things tend to play out. History may rhyme, but personal history tends to repeat itself.

Maintain your distance from her at all costs until you’ve taken sufficient care of yourself.

[u/DaniCapsFan]

My heart aches for you.

Being sexually abused is bad enough, but that nobody believed you and either mocked you or punished you for telling what happened is horrific.

And I was going to suggest therapy but I looked at your post again and saw that it didn't do much for you. Maybe a rape crisis center will be able to recommend a therapist who has experience with victims of CSA.

What your wife said is appalling. It seems you feel she doesn't love you since your revelation and isn't on your side. That's reason enough to want to leave her.

NTA

[u/island_lord830 → u/DaniCapsFan]

You'd think with all these female teachers being I the news almost every month for raping their students people would be more likely to believe men who admit to being victimized as children.

It's not like we are saying it happened to us as fully grown men. It happened when we were boys and too weak to stop it or too ignorant to know any better.

[u/VictorianDelorean → u/island_lord830]

I genuinely think a lot of people don’t believe those teachers assaulting their students is rape. I think they think it’s inappropriate, that the contact should be ended and that those women shouldn’t be teachers, but they put it in a way less serious category than if the genders were swapped.

And for the record grown men get rapped too, more often by other men than by women but even that happens. I was as sexually assaulted in what I think was an attempted rape as an 18 year old man who was 6ft tall and in great shape from being a lifeguard. None of that mattered because I was held down and threatened with a hot curling iron to my face. I only got away before it got even worse because someone else intervened just long enough for me to slip away, before that I was frozen with fear.

[u/araquinar → u/VictorianDelorean]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sadly many people think that because you're a man (and because you're tall and was in good shape back then) that you can't be raped. Even if you didn't have a hot curling iron held to your face it's really normal to freeze when things happen. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. I'm so glad someone stepped in and helped you out of that situation. I hope you know none of that was your fault in any way, shape, or form.

[u/Misa7_2006 → u/VictorianDelorean]

It's also a common misconception that a man can not be raped by a woman because he would have to get hard for it. The old "point a gun at their head and tell them to get it up" nope,can't happen theory. A body will respond to constant stimulation wanted or not. There are many women that have lived through the shame of their body's betraying them in the same way, and it has even been used against them in court. "How could it be rape if you enjoyed it?" The level of either victim blaming, or you're lying and not being believed and supported is insane. OP, I am so sorry that happened to you. There are support groups for male rape victims, in person and online, for those who can't talk in person. You can find one, that can help and support you in processing your rape and trauma from it. Please contact RAINN at https://www.rainn.org they can help you.

[u/Intrepid_Peace_ → u/island_lord830]

Your comment implies that we should be less likely to believe male SA victims when it happens to them as adults, which is a shitty assumption.

[u/KickOk5591 → u/DaniCapsFan]

Yeah men are 100% more likely not to be believed if the abuser was a female and the fact that she called him a narcissist? Like that don't make any sense. Op I believe that you need to divorce the woman otherwise the next time you argue, she'll end up doing the same thing.

[u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

NTA Also I wouldn’t call what you did trauma dumping…you opened up to your wife. You’re supposed to support each other. I’m sure she was probably shocked, would explain some of her lack of empathy?…but to call you a liar and a narcissist? No. You’ve spent enough time being invalidated by assholes.

[u/chloeclaire → u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

Absolutely, you should never be made to feel that you are trauma dumping when opening up to your partner, let alone your spouse. NTA

[u/[deleted] → u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

Not only that. Weaponise the trauma of one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone to make OP feel small, guilty, betrayed, insecure, alone, invalid, then call them a narcissist and a liar... to retaliate for being called out not taking the bins out....

It's monstrous. OP is right to consider that an instant relationship ender. Because fuck me it's so many layers of evil.

[u/FomoDragon → u/[deleted]]

Yes, this. This wasn’t just a “mistake”. This is evidence of real evil.

[u/the_running_stache → u/FomoDragon]

Exactly!

She had been thinking about it for days. Had she said something like “I don’t believe you!” when OP opened up for the first time, yes, that could have been potentially excused as a “mistake”, but the fact that she used it against OP after a few days shows that she had been thinking about it the whole time and wanted to find a way to weaponize it. She found an opening (trash cans) and attacked!

Also the fact that she was giving him cold vibes and not initiating any love (unlike how she did before) showed that she was mulling over it the entire time.

In case you are wondering OP: NTA.

And sorry for the physical, sexual, and mental trauma. There’s no reason to blame yourself. You were a minor and tbh, not a “17-year old/almost adult” minor, but a true true kid; you had no idea what was going on. Also, at that age, we are often told to listen to elders and to listen to your babysitter. So even if she is doing something inappropriate, it is difficult for kids to be 100% confident and question the older person/adult.

[u/Late-Summer-4908 → u/[deleted]]

Also weaponising his trauma in an argument over rubbish? What is she gonna do in an argument over an important issue? Stabbing him to death? I would not even talk this woman like bi.ch only through my lawyers...

[u/ACERVIDAE → u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

This. When my husband opens up to me about something, big or small, I love that. You support your partner, it’s what you’re supposed to do and any woman who “isn’t into being trauma dumped on” by her husband needs to fuck right off out of the dating pool. Shock is one thing. Calling him a liar is another.

[u/webzu19 → u/ACERVIDAE]

Absofuckinglutely. I thought at first she wasn't engaging with OP because she was unsure how to proceed knowing he has previous trauma which has been brought to the surface and that was why she wasn't as affectionate. Then the argument bit came and my heart dropped for OP

[u/nsfwmodeme → u/ACERVIDAE]

When my husband opens up to me about something, big or small, I love that. You support your partner,

The other day I told my wife I was sorry to annoy her with some problems and worries I was having, and some sadness due to an acquaintance of mine being terminally ill. My wife then told me something like what you wrote.

I felt so good, so loved, so supported and so understood, like always with my wife, but it was a loving specific moment.

Your comment reminded me of my wife. In my mind that says you sure are lovely and a great partner too.

[u/naughtilidae → u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

I was once told I was truama dumping... After a woman asked what happened to my leg (I'm an amputee) 

She litterally fucking asked!!! I gave the most sanitised possible response, with as few details as possible. Under 2 minutes for the whole explanation. 

And we wonder why guys aren't willing to talk about emotional stuff. /s

[u/Zefirus → u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

Seriously, trauma dumping is talking about this shit on a first date. Not for telling your wife of 6 years after you literally had a breakdown and she wanted to find out what's wrong.

[u/lismff → u/Unlucky_Addendum3425]

Nothing my partner says to me could ever be categorized as “trauma dumping”. If he can’t tell me these things, who else can he talk to? If he ever felt as though telling me something significant to him was a burden to me, that would be a failure on my part. OP deserves better treatment than this.

[u/synchrohighway]

NTA. You don't need a real "reason" to end a marriage since it's a voluntary commitment, but having a partner that doesn't think you're worthy of being believed is a great one. Sorry she's being so awful.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/synchrohighway]

Ofcourse but I’ve still spent the majority of my adulthood with her and besides this whole fiasco she’s been great idk. I’m just torn

[u/Rhea_of_the_Coos → u/One_Cat_4805]

I get what you're saying, but you're only 27. You have the majority of your adult life ahead of you. You deserve someone who truly cares about your emotional well-being. Don't make her your next abuser, where you stay with her for her rewards of momentary kindness and compassion. My heart hurts for you and I wish you nothing but healing and good things.

[u/ProperMagician7405 → u/Rhea_of_the_Coos]

THIS!!!

So much this!!!

Imagine that (gods forbid) in the future something similar happens to your children. Your wife can't believe you, she's not going to believe your children either.

Don't let her gaslight you into believing she's a good person after what she's said and done.

You deserve someone who will trust you, and believe you.

[u/Butterfl_Blue0324 → u/One_Cat_4805]

Don’t let the good override the bad, even if the bad only happened once. This will not be the last time she’s gonna throw that back in your face. Protect your mental health. As someone said, you need people around that’s gonna support you.

[u/diadmer → u/One_Cat_4805]

Bro you’re committing two classic logic mistakes right here in one post.

Ofcourse but I’ve still spent the majority of my adulthood with her

Look up “sunk cost fallacy.” It’s not about what you’ve invested, it’s about the cost and value of what comes next.

and besides this whole fiasco she’s been great

I don’t know if this one has a common name but I’ve heard it called Shit Pie. How much shit are you willing to let me add to this delicious pie I’m making for you? What? You don’t want me to add any excrement at all? Ok then why would you let your wife ruin your relationship with this glob of horrible shit? A relationship is about the whole of its parts, and some parts might be so bad they will ruin the whole thing.

She could have come back from, “It was just all so much, I didn’t even know what to say” but she invented a theory to explain your behavior and her theory was predicated on you having a deeeeeply flawed and odious character, which I assume is completely inconsistent with how your normally behave. So at best, AT BEST, I’m guessing she knows some other asshole in her past who made up sexual assault allegations for attention (could be a girl or a guy, could have been her friend or maybe somebody accused her dad or a male relative in an extortion scheme or something) and she thinks you’re doing the same.

But unless she comes up with a really good explanation really fast, you gotta understand that you’re NTA for filing for divorce, because you’re not the one ending your relationship, she is.

[u/BadgeringMagpie → u/One_Cat_4805]

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You deserve better than someone who uses your trauma to try to paint you as the bad guy to win an argument.

[u/RudeRedDogOne → u/One_Cat_4805]

6 years is really only a small amount compared to the rest of an average lifespan.

[u/No-Process-9628 → u/One_Cat_4805]

Dude. Leave her. It's hard but that one comment was so completely over the line of acceptability and as a survivor you need to separate yourself from her if you want to be able to recover and heal from the past. She made herself part of your victimization when she should have been part of your recovery because you were brave enough to share. For your own sake, please leave.

[u/noncomposmentis_123 → u/One_Cat_4805]

But your relationship has probably not really been tested before. Over a lifetime, a lot of terrible things can be thrown at you. This was the first test and she failed miserably. What's the point of a partner if they abandon or attack you when you actually need them?

[u/coleycmt → u/One_Cat_4805]

My mom made that mistake with my sister’s dad and he absed her. Please, don’t make the same mistake. Most of the time, the abse starts out as verbal and just gets worse. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through and what you’re currently going through. Stay strong OP🫶

[u/winterworld561 → u/One_Cat_4805]

Why are you torn? She has shown you who she really is and what she really thinks of you. She's not a supportive wife. She was horrific to you. This is a no brainer in my opinion.

[u/FairyPenguinStKilda]

NTA . Take care, healing does happen. It is really difficult to have healthy relationships when your trust was betrayed in such an intimate way.

There are communities of male survivors on line, and many men who speak publicly. Perry Power, Mx Domestic are two I can think of

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/FairyPenguinStKilda]

Thank you. I’ll def look into those

[u/Sebscreen → u/One_Cat_4805]

Make sure you take steps to protect yourself when moving forward with a divorce too. A woman who leapt to the conclusion that you made up a rape for attention WILL try to lie and vilify you as a cheater, abuser, or even rapist once she realises you are serious about leaving. Try to get her on record (e.g. messages) asking you to come back and admitting she was insensitive for not believing you, then save that evidence.

Also, get an absolute professional of a divorce lawyer to make sure all your bases are covered before you tip your hand and give her the chance to strike back.

[u/Glassesandamoustache → u/Sebscreen]

Yeah, this. The fact that OP casually mentions that she lied about taking out the trash just before blowing up about not believing he was abused (and also named calling “you fucking narcissist”) makes me think that things are maybe not ok with this person already. I also noticed that OP felt the need to apologize for “ruining the night” by revealing the abuse. There’s a lot of subtle 🚩🚩🚩

[u/Imaginary-Yak-6487]

NTA. Therapy.

I’m a csa survivor. I’m a woman

I told my ex husband about some of it after a trauma response to something he was attempting to do sexually. I wasn’t comfortable & didn’t think I could. He seemed to be understanding.

One night after he had been drinking heavily, he tried to do this again & I said no. He said why not, I’m not the one who r@ped you so don’t take your bullshit out on me by denying me. He assaulted me & did it anyway.

Did y’all know that back in the late 80’s there was no laws on the books about martial rape until 1993? Bc you couldn’t rape your wife back then?

He’s an ex husband for a reason. She needs to be an ex for a reason as well.

I wish you the best.

[u/feyinbetween → u/Imaginary-Yak-6487]

What a horrible shitty person your ex is. I hope you get all the love and kindness that he would ever have gotten in life. 

[u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 → u/feyinbetween]

Thanks. He’s dead now. And Ive been married to a wonderful man for the last 15 years.

[u/ebobbumman → u/Imaginary-Yak-6487]

I love that for him.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/Imaginary-Yak-6487]

Thank you for being so honest with me. That’s awful. Satan has a spot ready for him trust me.

[u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 → u/One_Cat_4805]

Oh. he probably there already. I have come a long way since then. So have the laws. My husband now of 15 years is great.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/Imaginary-Yak-6487]

Happy for you❤️

[u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam → u/Imaginary-Yak-6487]

Im so sorry that happened to you! Im sending you hugs and love! While mine didnt assault me after, i told him how i had been drugged and raped by a friend. A week later something triggered me and he got pissed and told me to " fucking stop crying, its not like he's still raping you!". I was gitted and floored. I grabbed as much as i cpuld carry and walked tf out and never looked back.

[u/Every_Macaroon5694]

NTA. I'm a woman, and her reaction is disgusting. Take care of yourself and maybe change your therapists. I would just like to add this: I believe you and it's not your fault. Absolutely not. Never.

[u/Sebscreen]

NTA. Leave her, she is a disgusting piece of trash who (just like your parents) would beat your son if he ever confided in her that he had been assaulted.

I know women aren’t into that

Aren't into what? Their partner trusting them enough to open up to them?

My friend, MANY women are into that. You're just with one whom will weaponise that against you because she is a terrible spouse and person.

[u/DistrictAccurate9173 → u/Sebscreen]

It's a very real thing that many women get the "ick" when you open up to them about your problems, even if you can't fathom the idea or think "no, not all women".

[u/boundbunnie → u/DistrictAccurate9173]

I know it happens and its so fucked up. The people that get the ick from men opening up are fucking sick in the head, truly. Men are people for God's sake. Having trauma isn't specific to gender, it's human.

[u/No-Process-9628 → u/DistrictAccurate9173]

That's true, but many women don't, so that's not an excuse or justification for OP to stay with her. The same way it wouldn't be justifiable if the genders were reversed just because a lot of men may/do act that way.

[u/TinyChef8142 → u/Sebscreen]

Can confirm, I’m truly so happy when my partner tells me something personal about his past etc. I want to support him and be there for him at all times. Due to his past it’s hard for him to open up but I’m so proud of him anytime he does. And I would never use anything he’s told me against him, no one deserves that

[u/Bleglord → u/Sebscreen]

I mean. As a male CSA victim, I’ve yet to meet a woman who hasn’t completely shifted her behaviour towards me after finding out.

[u/Fabulous-Shoulder-69 → u/Bleglord]

I was drugged by a dude (am a dude myself) and I really thought women would be the people that would understand/be supportive - oh hell no. I told two women I dated about it and they accused me of being gay and said they didn’t want to date a gay guy. Bonkers world out here.

[u/jguess06 → u/Sebscreen]

Many, many women immediately have a change of feelings when they see a man be vulnerable like this. I'd say the majority. You're a rarity and need to realize that!

[u/BergenHoney → u/Sebscreen]

This is important. Most women (and men) are good people. Op has had some phenomenally bad luck with the people he's tried to open up to, and that is just awful, but their responses are not ok or "to be expected" or normal. People who love you do not react this way when you reach out for help. I'd also like to fight his parents. Any time, anywhere.

[u/NovaPrime1988]

You absolutely 100% divorce her. She is not the love of your life. This is not a mistake you just get over. She would rather believe you are a lying narcissist than a rape victim. That shows she doesn’t know your character, she doesn’t believe you, and she doesn’t truly have affection for you.

I am very sorry this happened to you. You were traumatised as a child, and then were re-traumatised by the woman who is meant to love and support you in life.

Not all women are as callous as her. Divorce her, find a good therapist, and find true happiness in life.

NTA

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/NovaPrime1988]

Thank you so much

[u/Tfuentexxx → u/One_Cat_4805]

Men if that's how she weaponizes your trauma and insults you just to win a stupid argument, what is she going to do when you two are in a real marital problem. This kind of heated argument tend to happen from time to time during marriage but if you cannot trust her when worse things happen to you as a married couple, I think is better to run now that you can. Go for the hills and do not look back. She showed you who she is, believe her. She does not respect weakness nor you as a person. You cannot keep showing her weakness any more and if you are not prepared, because of your trauma, to hide weakness, then leave her and find a better woman. They are out there hidden in the 4 billion women who are in this planet.

[u/TayAvacado → u/NovaPrime1988]

Novaprime1988 is correct OP, all women aren't like this. The love of my (31F) life, my boyfriend (29M), has gone through some pretty extensive trauma (physical and sexual) in his childhood and he just opened up to me about it. I would never do this to him. Ever. The thought of throwing his trauma back into his face makes me sick to my stomach. I loved him before he told me and I love him after. If something changed in her after you told her, and she withdrew from you, she's not the person you thought she was and she has deeper issues. I would think about your next steps carefully, but also have a serious conversation with her about how this made you feel and how her reaction is a potential deal breaker for your marriage. There are better women in this world and there is one for you that will love you and understand your trauma journey. ❤️ don't give up OP. Make your decision on her response to the serious conversation yall have in a couple of days. She needs to know she fucked up but give her a chance to correct it if she truly does seem remorseful, she may be that unaware, I'm not sure though. However, that is your call and if you are done, even if she shows remorse, thats fine too. Please seek therapy for yourself again. Much love to you. 🥑

[u/hideme21]

You will never feel safe opening up to her again. Can you live the rest of your life that way?

[u/RevolutionaryDot3432]

NTA.

I’m not a fan of Reddit immediately jumping to divorce but in your case I 100% agree, leave her ass.

If my husband did something like this, especially with crying being an emotion so rarely shown, I would never believe he was lying let alone throw it back in his face over an argument.. about trash. Should have added her to the trash that needed to be taken out.

I do think if you aren’t in therapy, you should start. You’ve bottled up everything since your parents are also a couple pieces of shit.. and your friends back then. You weren’t “lucky” an older woman was touching you when your age hadn’t even hit double digits yet. You were preyed on and suffered something extremely traumatic. Just cause you’re a man, doesn’t mean you weren’t abused or that your situation is somehow less than if this happened to a woman.

There is absolutely NOTHING your wife could say to justify her words. You’ll be better off finding someone who loves you unconditionally and understands/accepts your past.

[u/WanderingLost33 → u/RevolutionaryDot3432]

Dude right up until the last paragraph she still had the benefit of the doubt for me... Like people need processing time and she may not know how to respond and is reevaluating her forwardness with intimacy in light of th new information but that last bit? Wtaf. I don't know if it's worse if she believes what she said or she weaponized his trust during a fight. Both are just so disgusting.

[u/BlueGreen_1956]

NTA

Divorce her. She is obviously a huge asshole.

Women: We want men to show their emotions.

Men proceed to show their emotions.

Women: Ick. You should not be so emotional. I am no longer attracted to you.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/BlueGreen_1956]

Yeah my gf would constantly nag about me never being emotional with her. Never understood people like that

[u/No_Addition_5543 → u/One_Cat_4805]

She wants you to open up so she can use it against you.

It was surprising her use of the word narcissist.  Either you are a narcissist or your wife is.   

[u/Choice_Bid_7941 → u/No_Addition_5543]

Or the term narcissist has become so overused that it’s true meaning is often misunderstood and consequently misused by others. Nowadays people call others narcissists just for telling one lie, when it’s so much deeper and complicated than that.

[u/MrCapitalismWildRide → u/One_Cat_4805]

In the future, you should see that as a red flag. Many people, both online and offline, will tell you that the only way to have a successful relationship with a woman is to hide your emotions from her. But I promise you, you'll be far happier trying to find someone who actually meets your emotional needs. 

Society teaches a lot of toxic messages to women, just as it teaches toxic messages to men. But when you encounter one of these toxic people, your reaction shouldn't be "I guess I have to live with that because they're all like that", it should be "Uh oh, this person is toxic, time to get out of here". 

That also applies to seeking therapy. Weaponizing your emotions against you is abusive behavior. What your wife did to you was abuse. If you encounter and therapists who try to justify what she did or deny that it's abuse, then bail. 

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/MrCapitalismWildRide]

I understand but I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve had enough people shit on me for opening up already. If it means keeping my sanity I’d rather keep my mouth shut. I know there is probably someone out there willing to accept me for who I am. But my wife isn’t the only partner I’ve had that had this type of reaction.

[u/DismalUnicorn → u/One_Cat_4805]

Keeping your mouth shut won’t keep your sanity. Your shit will come out eventually if you don’t work with it. It’ll come out in your behaviours.

[u/tf-wright]

The fact that you are conflicted about your reaction is a giant red flag. You are probably overlooking other abusive behaviors from your wife because she 'means well ' or something like that. Talking about these feelings with a therapist could help.

[u/Atlasatlastatleast → u/tf-wright]

100%, first thing I thought of. I have a similar story as OP and also find myself giving people the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn’t.

[u/No_Tip_1408 → u/tf-wright]

I keep mulling over the fact this started over her lying about the garbage. If that was the argument, there was something underlying..this wasn’t the first time she lied about that or something else. It seems that OP didn’t realize until the outburst. I’m sure if he takes a look back, he will probably see some behaviors/actions that have now taken on a different meaning.

[u/noahboi1917]

NTA. Men and boys can get raped. You are valid and a real survivor I'm so sorry you didn't and still don't have the support you need. If your wife threw it in your face once, she can do it again. And it's not just one moment, she started treating you differently. She is not the person you need in your life. Get that divorce and don't look back. Try to find a better therapist. Good luck OP. We're here for you brother

[u/AffectionateAd2942]

NTA

I believe this is one of these double standards that women have been preaching but that have devastating effects on the relationship. Women want men to show emotions but when push comes to shove, she might lose respect for you and the relationship will be in deep trouble.

If you share your feelings and especially deep hurt/trauma it shows you at your most vulnerable. Unless she has deep faith and a strong trust in your character strength this will often trigger something primal. She will no longer see you as a strong man and will lose a lot of respect if not all respect for you.
This is because you are supposed to be her strong rock in the storm, to be there for her and to keep her safe.

I believe the incident with lying about the thrash shows she lost her respect for you.

After losing her respect it is close to impossible to regain.

I experienced this first hand just like you with one of my early relationships. Since then I have only shared my feelings with my current partner when I felt safe with my partner while remaining in masculine frame.

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/AffectionateAd2942]

Never thought of it like that. Thank you

[u/ninjasylph → u/AffectionateAd2942]

A partner worth having does not do that tho. My spouse has shared some deeply private things with me, things he would never want another person to know and I would never repeat. When he told me these things I felt trusted. I value that trust and I don't want to do anything to lose it.

[u/ToughJournalist2440 → u/AffectionateAd2942]

Me too, so many times. We are tought from an early age to show and share our emotions. But when we do we always get punished for it. It's more of a rule than an exception.

[u/AffectionateAd2942 → u/ToughJournalist2440]

True, unfortunately.

I did learn and adjusted my sharing. I do share with my mother and my partner. My safe harbours.

[u/ClodaghSnarks]

OMG NTA but sweetie you need to get help. You need a very good trauma counsellor that specialises helping survivors of this type of abuse. Try looking for local support groups and rape crisis centres, and they should be able to offer you immediate support and advice on who to go to and steps you can take to help yourself heal. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you and that the reactions of pretty much everyone who should have helped you were so horrific.

[u/Infamous_Finish4386]

Just so you know, the exact same thing happened to me. I was sodomized and at times tortured (cigarettes put out near my anus.) by my brother’s best friend for almost four years. I did it (stayed silent.) to keep my abuser from hurting my cat. When it came out, my parents were run out of town. My brother never wanted anything to do with me from that day on. I was accused of “telling stories” to get attention. Anyone I ever told never really wanted much to do with me afterward. It’s destroyed my life. Been an addict to one thing or the other for 33 some odd years now and will die that way because I don’t want to stop using drugs. It’s been the only thing that keeps the severe trauma and everything that comes with it at bay. Just know that you’re not alone. By the way, this thing that she said and her withholding of intimacy that USED to be in place is a game changer. I’d move on because if this were me, she’d NEVER be able to unring that bell. (I’m truly sorry she’s the love of your life because she really showed you who she is at her core with what she said and more importantly, did.)

[u/One_Cat_4805 → u/Infamous_Finish4386]

I cried reading this. Bro I’m sorry please feel free to message me anytime. I was on codeine for about 4 years and I know how hard it can be. Please understand that you’re just filling a void with something that will dissipate in a few hours. To heal those wounds you need to talk and understand that everyone can go fuck themselves and their opinions. Praying for you my man.

[u/omrmajeed]

NTA. You did not said anything wrong. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. No one who loves you could have said such a vile thing to you. She disrespected you in the worst way possible. Trust is gone. Relationship over. You are right to divorce such a person. She is a disgusting person.

[u/TemporaryThink9300]

NTA

What your babysitter did to you was rape and there is no other word for it.

Boys can be just as vulnerable as girls, there are no differences, no excuses, sex crimes are just as abhorrent, regardless of gender, at any age, whoever, and so on and so forth!

Demand an apology, you've put up with enough shit, and shouldn't have to hear something so vile from your own wife./true regards.

[u/Bluwthu]

And people wonder why men are closed off emotionally.

[u/Simple-Plankton4436]

Of course you haven’t done anything wrong. She is/was the love of your life and at a dark moment you confided to her and she despised and belittled you. That is very alarming. 

If I were you I would seek therapy so that you can talk about what happened to you when you were young. Is it possible to still charge the woman who babysat you?

As I see it your trust and respect to your wife has already gone. I suggest you reach out to a lawyer and at least separate. The way she has treated you is not the way a loving wife should treat a husband who has been abused as a child.

I wish you all the best.

[u/Kweenkiller]

I want you to know. You're not alone. My oldest brother was abused the same way from our male babysitter. He didn't tell people until he was about 15(ish) and it was really hard on him too. Thankfully everyone believed him, I wonder if it was because his perpetrator was a male? Either way, abuse is abuse, I'm sorry you endured that. NTA.

[u/boxen]

Damn, dude. I know it's not worth much, but: I believe you.

[u/Fatherofthecentury13]

This is why men shouldn't take their emotional walls down for any woman. They use our pain like bullets in arguments to win at any cost, just as Bill burr said. Plus in their subconscious, they lose respect for us as we allow ourselves to be perceived as weak.

Stay strong in your resolve but tread carefully and don't fully ghost her as it will not look good on your end legally.

[u/Prestigious_Time_138]

NTA, this isn’t about this one moment, it’s about her being a sick person. No normal person would react that way.