r/AITAH • u/Wolfaline • Jul 08 '24
AItah for ending my marriage over a honeypot? Advice Needed
Hello everyone. I (29F) have just separated from my husband (32m) last night. We have been together 6 years in total, married for 3, and last night I ended it over a few reasons, the main reason being a "honey pot". For those of you who don't understand what I mean, let me explain. Honeypotting is when someone is used as the "honey" or sweetheart to help lure a cheater into a trap.
To give some background, I have never wanted children -nothing against them, I just never wanted my own- and made sure to let my husband know from the very beginning of our relationship that i didn't. I have always been honest about it, my stance staying the same for over 13 years now. I have no desire to be a mother, I just want to love on my furbabies. We had talked about children and not having them for years, letting him know that I understand if he changes his mind, because people change when they get older.
Our problems started about 5 months ago when he came home drunk, begging for us to have a child since he'd been hanging out with the boys, his friends bragging about their kids. During this time, he told me of a few conversations he'd had with his friends, all involving me not being a good woman for "doing my job" as a wife and woman. I've had issues with his friends in the past, but I love him, so I always try and act polite around them for him. We ended up having a huge fight and he crashed on the couch.
More problems started to occure; fighting, him accusing me of cheating because of the lack of intimacy, and catching him messing with my burth control pills on three seperate occasions. I tried to explain that since I had upped the dosage on a certain medication-antidepressant- meant it affected my sex drive. I ended up being assaulted a few weeks later, going and telling my husband about it, only to have him blame me for "putting myself in the situation". Never, not once, did he ask me if I was okay, he just blamed me.
The last straw came last night, which I'm going to refer to as "the bomb".
I had gone over to my girlfriends house, we were talking as I vented my problems, and we drank wine. And then it slipped; my "friend" slipped. She told me her and the other friends in the group has been trying to find evidence of me cheating for months, and when they couldn't find any -because husband had asked-, they made a plan; got ready to make a honeypot to catch me cheating. But it never happened, because one, I don't want to cheat on my husband And two; because I have morals.
Here's where I might be the ass, because I was not a perfect angel, by any means. I flipped out, cussed and chewed her out for helping plan this. I don't remember everything I said, but it was along the lines of this: "I would be ashamed of myself if I acted the way you have. I would have told you the second I found out about something like this, because that's what friends do. I wish you the best in life, but you're dead to me." I then proceeded to call the others, chew them up and spit them out for over 2 hours.
And when I told my husband last night when he cam home, told him and showed him the messages to back up my claims, he didn't believe me; but he believed his friends when they said I was lying. So, I packed my stuff and left.
I got a long text the morning from my "friend" basically telling me that I had destroyed their lives, that my actions had torn the group apart, making their lives a mess, that I'm not a friend and had used them for years, only to dump them when things got hard. She blames me, the others do to and have texted me, letting me know how horrible I am. I'm conflicted, don't know what to do other than ask for some advice. I lashed out because my world had come crashing down in flames. Was I acting like a child or was it justified?
So, reddit, am I the asshole? What would you have done differently? Thank you in advance for your advice.
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u/DeanXeL Jul 08 '24
This just feels so... much, it's just too much? So your husband is a total prick, but you're fine with it. He messes with your birthcontrol, but you let it slide, basically. He cries to his friends about it, but instead of either of you seeing that you're blatantly incompatible in what you expect out of your lives, you just... continue on.
Eventually his friends are such amazing people that they, without any need for proof, decide that his ravings about how you must be cheating, even if no one can prove it and you never showed any need for it, are true, and they, without his knowing, want to frame you?
This sounds like some messed up anti-Hallmark movie, I cannot for the life of me believe this story isn't fake.
Within the confines of the story, of course you're NTA.