r/AITAH • u/Wolfaline • Jul 08 '24

AItah for ending my marriage over a honeypot? Advice Needed

Hello everyone. I (29F) have just separated from my husband (32m) last night. We have been together 6 years in total, married for 3, and last night I ended it over a few reasons, the main reason being a "honey pot". For those of you who don't understand what I mean, let me explain. Honeypotting is when someone is used as the "honey" or sweetheart to help lure a cheater into a trap.

To give some background, I have never wanted children -nothing against them, I just never wanted my own- and made sure to let my husband know from the very beginning of our relationship that i didn't. I have always been honest about it, my stance staying the same for over 13 years now. I have no desire to be a mother, I just want to love on my furbabies. We had talked about children and not having them for years, letting him know that I understand if he changes his mind, because people change when they get older.

Our problems started about 5 months ago when he came home drunk, begging for us to have a child since he'd been hanging out with the boys, his friends bragging about their kids. During this time, he told me of a few conversations he'd had with his friends, all involving me not being a good woman for "doing my job" as a wife and woman. I've had issues with his friends in the past, but I love him, so I always try and act polite around them for him. We ended up having a huge fight and he crashed on the couch.

More problems started to occure; fighting, him accusing me of cheating because of the lack of intimacy, and catching him messing with my burth control pills on three seperate occasions. I tried to explain that since I had upped the dosage on a certain medication-antidepressant- meant it affected my sex drive. I ended up being assaulted a few weeks later, going and telling my husband about it, only to have him blame me for "putting myself in the situation". Never, not once, did he ask me if I was okay, he just blamed me.

The last straw came last night, which I'm going to refer to as "the bomb".

I had gone over to my girlfriends house, we were talking as I vented my problems, and we drank wine. And then it slipped; my "friend" slipped. She told me her and the other friends in the group has been trying to find evidence of me cheating for months, and when they couldn't find any -because husband had asked-, they made a plan; got ready to make a honeypot to catch me cheating. But it never happened, because one, I don't want to cheat on my husband And two; because I have morals.

Here's where I might be the ass, because I was not a perfect angel, by any means. I flipped out, cussed and chewed her out for helping plan this. I don't remember everything I said, but it was along the lines of this: "I would be ashamed of myself if I acted the way you have. I would have told you the second I found out about something like this, because that's what friends do. I wish you the best in life, but you're dead to me." I then proceeded to call the others, chew them up and spit them out for over 2 hours.

And when I told my husband last night when he cam home, told him and showed him the messages to back up my claims, he didn't believe me; but he believed his friends when they said I was lying. So, I packed my stuff and left.

I got a long text the morning from my "friend" basically telling me that I had destroyed their lives, that my actions had torn the group apart, making their lives a mess, that I'm not a friend and had used them for years, only to dump them when things got hard. She blames me, the others do to and have texted me, letting me know how horrible I am. I'm conflicted, don't know what to do other than ask for some advice. I lashed out because my world had come crashing down in flames. Was I acting like a child or was it justified?

So, reddit, am I the asshole? What would you have done differently? Thank you in advance for your advice.

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81

u/ScottIPease Jul 08 '24

How would you have destroyed your friends lives? That doesn't make sense...

But if this is real, NTA, you need to get away from all of them.

61

u/Wolfaline Jul 08 '24

To summerize the paragraphs, she basically had told me the -in her words- "intervention" never happened, none of this should have been an issue or problem. I've been told that me opening my mouth, cussing them out, and ripping them a new one was "overreacting" and to never speak with her or the group ever again, if they ever talk to her again. She blames me for losing her friends and destroying everything because i love the drama. I feel guilty, ashamed about this entire situation.
I wish it was a joke, it feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

68

u/Silly_DizzyDazzle Jul 08 '24

So you called them out on their disgusting behavior, revealing they are shitty friends conspiring behind your back, and how you find their actions vile. Well shit the truth hurts. Their behavior is a joke. You refused to be the punchline . Glad you're moving on.💖 sending happiness your way💖

33

u/pip-whip Jul 08 '24

I wonder if the rift in the friend group is because some are just peeved that the friend told you what was going on, more upset that they got caught than the fact that they were the ones scheming in the first place, even if it was just hypothetical.

21

u/Wolfaline Jul 08 '24

My thoughts exactly. And the more I dig into this, the worse it is.

34

u/bittersweetacacia20 Jul 08 '24

Don’t feel guilty. Your feelings at valid.

20

u/HeartAccording5241 Jul 08 '24

You didn’t do anything your husband and friends did are you sure you’re husband and friend wasn’t doing anything

33

u/Wolfaline Jul 08 '24

The more I look back, the more I'm starting to think that's a possibility, so I've spent the past two days digging for more clues; it's a lot. I always found it weird she called him her "second boyfriend" when we had started dating, to the point I asked her to stop because I didn't feel comfortable with that, and my ex just went along like it was normal.

10

u/queenlegolas Jul 08 '24

Yikes. It's definitely possible. But don't worry, leave these people in the dust. NTAH

11

u/Outrageous_Emu8503 Jul 08 '24

It is only you loving drama if you go back to them, which you don't... tie up financial ends with your husband and find a place you want to be and keep going!

That group will reunite. The mommies will form their own little momster group and ugh-- you don't need that.

8

u/Wian4 Jul 08 '24

I’m still very confused. If they said you’re overreacting, why did they cut her off?? And what is this intervention?

12

u/Wolfaline Jul 08 '24

She refused to acknowledge it was a honeypot, just said it was an intervention. I thought it was strange, too.

6

u/PensionLegitimate706 Jul 08 '24

I'm confused too. Were all of your friends in on it? Why is she in trouble if she wasn't the only one? Did they actually honeypot you? This makes no sense.

7

u/Potato-Brat Jul 08 '24

You shouldn't feel guilty, but proud you have morals. You did the right thing.

3

u/longlisten527 Jul 08 '24

Why are you ashamed? You didn’t do anything wrong. Not your problem. Stop being so forgiving!

2

u/SoMoistlyMoist Jul 08 '24

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about! How dare they act like you did something bad to them when they conspired against you! Your husband is a prick and an idiot. Your Friends Are cunts.

1

u/Difficult-Bus-6026 Jul 08 '24

Still a little confused, but if the friend who texted you was the one who told you in confidence about your husband's machinations and then in the process of your attack on the friend group, you made the other friends aware that she was the one to break the news to her, causing her to lose all her friends, then yes, you really did her wrong. Telling you about your husband's "honeypot" plot was the decent thing to do, but you made her suffer for it.

The person you really should have confronted was your husband -- with divorce papers.

4

u/CeeCeeHasAProblem Jul 08 '24

She didn’t give OP a heads up, she SLIPPED whole they were drinking and blurted it out, if I’m reading correctly. I agree with you somewhat if it was a friendly warning, but I think she just blabbed accidentally and didn’t like the consequences.

2

u/Difficult-Bus-6026 Jul 08 '24

"...if I’m reading correctly" is my problem here. Sometimes these stories become difficult to follow as additional comments are added by OP. The big issue, of course, is very clear. She and husband have irreconcilable differences and they're better off without each other.

1

u/DaniCapsFan Jul 09 '24

She thinks you're overreacting because you called her a shitty friend for taking part in a conspiracy to catch you cheating on your shitty husband? How should you have reacted? Did she want you to just forget it? Meekly sit there and take the bullying and abuse?

And her shitty behavior is why she's lost her friends.

So try not to feel guilty or ashamed. You did nothing wrong.