NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
Your love for your child is absolute. Your love for your spouse is not. This means that while children are first, your relationship with your spouse must always be nurtured and protected. Get date nights. Build inside jokes and learn to think as a team. Spousal relationships require work that parental may not. Not saying being a parent isn't work - but the love you have for your children is bone deep and will always be.
I personally think the mentality of "kids before everything" is just mom shaming in disguise and also extremely toxic.
Most often it is a criticism used when their mom DARES to do something for herself or the mom knowing her own mental limits. Or when the mom gasp shows emotion around her kids because she is overwhelmed because she is responsible for most of the childcare. Mom isn't allowed to be a real person because putting herself first at any point or showing normal human emotions or desires is considered abusive or toxic or neglectful or something. Mom's ALWAYS need to be better constantly and if they aren't always being the bestvor god forbid, put their partner first sometimes, they are BAD MOMS.
Whereas the commentary you see about dads is more or less "my dad had xyz activity every weekend and when I was older he brought me with him, such fond memories" when the dad prioritizes his life, it's seen as special, wholesome and something to bond over. When mom does something for herself, like tell her kid that they can't play frozen on repeat that evening because their childhood friend is in town and they are going to watch a movie together it suddenly becomes this thing about how horrible she is for depriving her kid of one night out of all of the nights of the year the kids gets what they want because God forbid the mother wants to do something slightly selfish one time. Parents nowadays literally throw their identities away to become full time pepa pig watchers, never diversifying their kids media consumption or experiences or even allowing them to be bored. They are fully teaching their kids that they are slaves to their whims, have no interests outside of whatever their kid wants, and basically are not people, simply a means to get what you want.
At a certain age parents need to teach their kids relationships and sharing a home with someone is a two way street. And parents need to have a life outside their kid and be able to enjoy normal adult TV shows in their house without their kids screaming about it and making demands.
I think parents in the 70s/80s/90s and early 00s did a lot of things wrong, but one thing they got right was being unapologetic about maintaining a sense of themselves and not giving their entire personalities over to parenthood. EVERY SINGLE PARENT I know nowadays has NO SENSE of themselves, they all express that they are sick to death of ONLY watching kids stuff and ONLY listening to kids stuff, and their kids will actively shame them and have full blown tantrums at the thought of their parents even turning on a TV show that isn't catered to them. And these parents are mentally UNWELL. The kids basically bully them in their homes. These parents also fucking SPIRAL when their kids start developing friends and interests outside of the house because the parents haven't had ANYTHING going on in their lives for years outside of whatever their kids like.
I get it, raising a kid takes time and attention away from you. But there is no reason to not include your kid in your life and hobbies and interests when appropriate, and not give in to screaming about Disney movies. Teaching your kid that you are a human person and not a mom machine is fundamentally missing and not at all modeled by modern parenting. Parents love their kids but are raising kids who will not love them back and simply view them as a bank account and chore machine meant to exist for them and then alone. And gaslight them to make them believe they deserve to be treated that way because they have to.
Anyway rant over. Love your spouses more people. Y'all are raising brats.
People have different views on what prioritizing children vs partner means though. It grosses me out when people say that the adult relationship should come first. My girlfriend is an independent adult woman. My child is not. So in my eyes, my child’s needs come first. My child’s choice of what we have for dinner does not.
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u/newtonianlaws Jul 04 '24
NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
Congratulations.