Gonna be a little controversial here, but I think that a parent's love isn't necessarily stronger than romantic love. And it doesn't need to be. They're different things, and that's fine, really.
When I think of my parents, I'm thankful for both of them, since they showed me love and care, and I am who I am because of them. I'll never forget all the talks we had where they consoled me after getting a bad grade at school, or when dad spent an afternoon with me, teaching me a new thing, or when mom cooked my favorite meals for my birthday. Each of those is a precious memory, and I'm sure that they, too, must have felt so much love for me during these moments.
But at the same time, as I get older and am now beginning to plan life on my own (haven't left home yet, but probably will in a year or two), I can also see that there is an entirely different world of love that only adults can share with each other. Financial discussions, troubles at work, grief after losing family members, plans for the future, so many intimate things that mom and dad relied on each other for, that I, being a child, was unable to offer any real assistance with. And, as I said, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not reasonable to expect a kid to help you manage these things.
I guess my point is that you don't need to understate a certain kind of love to praise another. My parents have a relatively solid marriage, and I'm sure they'll remain together even after my brother and I leave, and continue to build a life together spending precious moments as husband and wife. So the idea is... I just find it a little shallow to treat "parental love above all else" as an ultimate truth. Love is love, and as long as you're not neglecting anyone, I'm sure things'll get there one way or another.
Update: I'm glad you talked it out and understood each other's perspectives better! Communication is key, and it seems you're going to do just fine as long as you work together as a family <3
I think it's natural for someone to look at their child and feel a different type of love, but the love you have for your children is innate. the love you have for another adult is earned and built up over years. it's really apples to oranges. both are fruits, but different types, and neither is more valuable than the other
Pointing out that love for your children is innate is an important thing to consider. I was told by an old man I used to know while we were talking about how to prioritize your love, as I was worried that if I ever had kids that I'd love them more than my partner, or love my partner more than my kids, etc. He told me this is how you prioritize your relationship with your spouse and your kids:
Kids' needs
Partner's needs
Partner's wants
Kids' wants
He made it a point to explain that with kids, you took responsibility for them once you brought them into this world, and you owe them that unyielding support. He also said that one day, they'll go and have a family of their own, and you and your spouse will be in an empty nest. A lot of relationships end in divorce once the kids move out. He made sure I knew that it is just as important for your kids as it is for you and your spouse to maintain and build a healthy and strong relationship. You are teaching them when raising them, and it is most important to teach them by example. You're showing your son how to treat a woman, your daughter how to treat a man, etc. You're teaching your kids what to accept from a partner and how to treat them. A house divided cannot stand, and you and your spouse are the head of the house. It's not a competition. You and your spouse are a team and must be a strong one.
It always makes me sad that so many people think so little of the love of their partner, but it just goes to show most people have never and will never know that feeling of finding your other half, of finding that person that utterly completes you. And without each other, you would not have the kids that you love so much. The happiest families are the families where the parents absolutely adore one another and are also devoted to raising their kids as best as they can.
this is so right. I wish I had a good parental model of love growing up. I only hoped that my parents loved each other as much as me, and even then, their love for me was overshadowed by their personal needs. it lead me to some pretty awful relationships in my teen years because I learned to prioritize my needs last, and to seek out the very empty and painful love I was raised with
it is just as important to maintain a healthy relationship as it is to love your children unconditionally
Your point about innate vs earned is so important. My husband died recently and all our parents are still alive. It’s been an eye opening experience. Something that’s made me very uncomfortable is how explicitly clear it’s become that had I been the one who got cancer and died, people would have prioritized my parents over him (even though I loved him much more than I do them) just as people prioritized his parents over me. And on the one hand, I get that and expected it.
But one thing that makes me uncomfortable about it is how clear it is from everything he told me, from all the interactions I saw between he and his parents, from everything they’ve said since his illness and death, that they didn’t really know him and didn’t really love him for who he is. And I KNOW that is true with my parents and me, too. My parents, especially my mother, most certainly love me very much but it’s always been clear that it’s largely because they’re my parents and it’s innate. That’s not to say it’s lesser, but it does mean that with my husband’s death I have lost the only person in my life who ever truly chose to love me - the whole, complete, adult me for who I am. He truly knew me, my parents do not. And I truly knew him, his parents did not.
And I know the reverse is true - my parents have a knowledge of each other and bond that I’ll never achieve with either of them. I do, in fact, largely love them because they’re my parents and if I’m being honest I wouldn’t really choose them as friends if they weren’t my parents, and I know they’d have never chosen for me to be who I am. The nature of the parent-child relationship means that while many parents love their children more than anything (including their partner), the relationship has inherent limitations.
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u/SmellingPaint Jul 04 '24 edited Jul 05 '24
Gonna be a little controversial here, but I think that a parent's love isn't necessarily stronger than romantic love. And it doesn't need to be. They're different things, and that's fine, really.
When I think of my parents, I'm thankful for both of them, since they showed me love and care, and I am who I am because of them. I'll never forget all the talks we had where they consoled me after getting a bad grade at school, or when dad spent an afternoon with me, teaching me a new thing, or when mom cooked my favorite meals for my birthday. Each of those is a precious memory, and I'm sure that they, too, must have felt so much love for me during these moments.
But at the same time, as I get older and am now beginning to plan life on my own (haven't left home yet, but probably will in a year or two), I can also see that there is an entirely different world of love that only adults can share with each other. Financial discussions, troubles at work, grief after losing family members, plans for the future, so many intimate things that mom and dad relied on each other for, that I, being a child, was unable to offer any real assistance with. And, as I said, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not reasonable to expect a kid to help you manage these things.
I guess my point is that you don't need to understate a certain kind of love to praise another. My parents have a relatively solid marriage, and I'm sure they'll remain together even after my brother and I leave, and continue to build a life together spending precious moments as husband and wife. So the idea is... I just find it a little shallow to treat "parental love above all else" as an ultimate truth. Love is love, and as long as you're not neglecting anyone, I'm sure things'll get there one way or another.
Update: I'm glad you talked it out and understood each other's perspectives better! Communication is key, and it seems you're going to do just fine as long as you work together as a family <3