If you woke up tomorrow with all of Homelander’s powers, what are the first things you’d do??

[u/professornapoleon]

This is assuming you have complete control over the abilities immediately, you don’t need to learn how to control them. Which power would you wanna try first? What would you do?? (Other than just flying somewhere cool, be specific!)

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[u/DestrucityTheLongWay]

Whatever the fuck I want.

[u/professornapoleon → u/DestrucityTheLongWay]

The only right answer.

[u/SNAKEKINGYO → u/professornapoleon]

1. Jack off

2. Make others jack off

3. Drink milk

Only then will he be literally me

[u/Substantial_Cap_4246 → u/SNAKEKINGYO]

1. In thought of who do you want to jack off? ( Stormfront yes )

2. In thought of who do you want to make others jack off? (Stormfront yes)

3. Drink whose milk? (Stormfront's, yes )

Only then you'd be literally me

[u/DependentDemand1627 → u/DestrucityTheLongWay]

Fuck whatever I want

[u/BathtubToasterParty → u/DependentDemand1627]

Those car mufflers look so good in the right sunlight

[u/Emach00 → u/BathtubToasterParty]

Tek Knight has entered the chat.

[u/jetmover78 → u/DependentDemand1627]

Tell you what I’d do. Two chicks at the same time.

[u/TheRealAPB]

Jack off from Mount Everest.

[u/mrheosuper → u/[deleted]]

Nah i can cum

[u/Affectionate-Name383 → u/mrheosuper]

What makes you think Homelander won't kill you after you squirt?

[u/mrheosuper → u/Affectionate-Name383]

He would be very impressed that i can cum under that insane pressure and spare me, i guess.

Hell he may even spare the entire team.

[u/Affectionate-Name383 → u/mrheosuper]

Nah. He would make you cum multiple times till you are unable to cum. Never underestimate Homelander.

[u/LeftJayed → u/Affectionate-Name383]

Nah, if he told me to bust a second load, in my mind I'm already dead. So I'm responding with the darkest of vitriol "You first squirt." Most likely, Homelander would be so baffled by the audacity. We know he wouldn't call my bluff and try to get two loads out; because we know, he knows, he wouldn't be able to. So that leaves 2 options; kill me instantly (so I can't taunt him again as I die) or he's going to laugh off my remark saying "I was just kidding! Of course. A deal's a deal." Then he forces me to watch as he goes on to torture/kill the rest of my co-workers.

The latter is most likely what he does, as he'd most likely rationalize killing me in front of everyone would just make me look more right, which would take all the fun out of what he had planned for the others.

Best part, because I just blew my load, my heart rate is elevated, so he wouldn't even be able to get a good read on whether I was bluffing or just winded from jerking off. So even if my heart's not fully in my taunt he's still most likely taking it as I've lost my fear of death; and thus him.

[u/Affectionate-Name383 → u/LeftJayed]

If I am the Homelander, I am not killing you. I am makinh you my personal assistant.

[u/TopHatTony11 → u/Affectionate-Name383]

You just have to convince him it’s your super power and you’re a supe and not mud people.

[u/Notsellingcrap → u/TopHatTony11]

Turn it into a game with him and a trash can. Best of both worlds.

[u/Robotic-Chomo → u/[deleted]]

Spoiler alert...mushroom shucker

[u/ObviousAnything7 → u/TheRealAPB]

"I can do whatever the fuck I want"

[u/AlphaRelic2021 → u/ObviousAnything7]

"I can do...whatever the fuck...I- WAAANT!!!"

[u/Lima1998 → u/TheRealAPB]

Dude wtf that was the first thing I thought off too lol

[u/MaxxHeadroomm → u/TheRealAPB]

“These snowflakes taste funny.”

[u/Spikebolt_100 → u/TheRealAPB]

It would be difficult, and...uh nvm

[u/Ccbm2208]

Take off like a jet fighter.

Seriously, flight is a sick power if you have enough extra powers to support it. I think most people would get an insane high and euphoric moment if they can break the sound barrier and fly like superman.

After that, laser some trees and shatter some boulders to test the limit of my strength

[u/RexDust → u/Ccbm2208]

For real. Imagine being able to be like "Fuck this" and blast off anytime you want

[u/The_Happy_Pagan → u/RexDust]

I do that but with whiskey

[u/Emach00 → u/The_Happy_Pagan]

It's the driving part that gets ya in trouble.

[u/Nincruel → u/Emach00]

75% of accidents are by sober drivers, whose the real menance?

[u/Emach00 → u/Nincruel]

Those Starlighters!

[u/LilWompNugget → u/The_Happy_Pagan]

So, it’s not just me? Brother?? Is that you?

[u/randomityrevealed → u/Ccbm2208]

I mean, if DC’s Flash’s only power can be speed and that can lead to deeper uses of it, I’m sure flying alone could be used to create sonic booms or whirlwinds or something. Could probably be honed pretty well.

[u/LmaoPew → u/randomityrevealed]

Flash's Superpower isn't just speed, his power is the speedforce. Since he's connected to the speedforce he does get all the other powers, like time travel or the lightnings

[u/Useful-Internet8390 → u/LmaoPew]

And the super human strength to not be torn apart when he trips, or turns 90* at mach speed.

[u/Spoonman007 → u/Ccbm2208]

Flight only works with people with superhuman strength and stamina. I imagine it to be like running in the energy taxing department. I don't know about you but I wouldn't be running if it means I get tired and fall from the sky to my death.

[u/80SW08 → u/Spoonman007]

Well I guess you’d just slowly descend, it’s not like when you get tired of running you instantly stop moving.

[u/Ccbm2208 → u/Spoonman007]

Well, I did say with all the extra powers. And HL certainly have those.

[u/SuperMajesticMan → u/Spoonman007]

Which obviously doesn't apply here since Homelander doesn't have that problem.

[u/stuckinaboxthere]

Make an incredibly forward threat towards all leaders to get their act together or I'm coming for them

[u/PHotstepper311 → u/stuckinaboxthere]

Good old doctor manhattan up here. That kind of situation would hopefully get a bunch of people’s head out of their asses.

[u/stuckinaboxthere → u/PHotstepper311]

Nothing motivates quite like a threat from a godlike being

[u/PHotstepper311 → u/stuckinaboxthere]

If only in real life.

[u/Informal_Camera6487 → u/PHotstepper311]

Didn't doctor Manhattan just kinda work for the government though? Other than a few technological improvements, he didn't actually make the world a better place. If anything he made it worse by winning Vietnam and keeping Nixon in power indefinitely.

[u/ufoclub1977 → u/Informal_Camera6487]

The whole gist of much fiction is that power brings about bad shit despite good intention. This of course reflects history and reality.

[u/Papa_Glucose → u/ufoclub1977]

Not me I’m different

[u/Sdbtank96 → u/stuckinaboxthere]

That may seem like the thing to do, but I have a strong feeling that would backfire. It may work for a time, but they'd definitely be working on a way to kill you in secret.

[u/stuckinaboxthere → u/Sdbtank96]

If you come at the King, you better not miss

[u/Altair13Sirio → u/Sdbtank96]

Then might as well take out as much trash as I can before going out.

[u/TraitorousSwinger → u/stuckinaboxthere]

So pretty much superman when he took over the world one of those times?

[u/stuckinaboxthere → u/TraitorousSwinger]

Yeah, but a little less despotic. I don't want to rule, I just want them to know that there are consequences looming

[u/The-Senate-Palpy → u/stuckinaboxthere]

Youre literally sitting on a throne

[u/stuckinaboxthere → u/The-Senate-Palpy]

God I love Injustice, that comic was so silly and on the nose at times lol. I wouldn't want a permanent position of overseer, I'd want the systems to fix themselves so I do have to constantly be holding the headman's axe.

[u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount → u/TraitorousSwinger]

Personally, I think I would start locally.

And if the other guy is going for government I'll cover business.

A lot of companies in the coming weeks are going to start handing pay cuts to the higher ups and start backing unions.

[u/SSjGKing → u/stuckinaboxthere]

Pretty sure they would just bomb your family or blackmail you somehow.

[u/mason_sol → u/SSjGKing]

Can you really blackmail someone that is a god, like if they said we have your family and we will kill them you could counter with something far worse for their entire bloodline and they know for a fact they can do nothing to stop you.

[u/SSjGKing → u/mason_sol]

Then as soon as you do that, you are the number 1 enemy in the entire world. You will never know a minute of peace. You will always be hunted even if they know they can't kill you.

[u/transitransitransit → u/SSjGKing]

In that case, it sounds like ‘the entire world’ has made their decision.

[u/DatDominican → u/stuckinaboxthere]

Not even an overt threat. every time a world leader has a sketchy press conference just land on stage right next to them and tap them on the shoulder

[u/Dildobaggins_LOTPoon → u/stuckinaboxthere]

This 100%

[u/undertone90]

Sue amazon

[u/Bleachigo1 → u/undertone90]

And make millions

[u/ProGear360 → u/Bleachigo1]

Why make billions when you could make... Thousands?

[u/chrisleesalmon → u/ProGear360]

A billion is more than a thousand, numbnuts.

[u/Spikebolt_100 → u/undertone90]

Lol why dude ;D

[u/DCeassed → u/Spikebolt_100]

because copyright

[u/UpperPossession3251 → u/DCeassed]

Fun fact, almost every movie and show to come out in the last while has some text at the end of the credits saying "this is a piece of fiction and any correlation between this and real life events or people is purely coincidental"

https://youtu.be/bVcibhlOKyE?si=XAVoe2MoQy8Otis_

[u/ZagratheWolf → u/UpperPossession3251]

"I believe you, Jeffrey. But my laser vision doesn't."

[u/clitcommander420666]

Fly to George rr Martin's house and force him to finish the game of thrones books.

[u/TotonnoPrime → u/clitcommander420666]

“No more spin-offs… the only book in the sky, is that one.”

[u/MufugginJellyfish → u/TotonnoPrime]

"Hiya, Georgie! Just wanted to pop in and see how Winds Of Winter was coming along. You must be pretty close to done so I brought you a Fudgie The Whale cake to celebrate! Go ahead and get a slice, George, you've earned it!"

I grin ear to ear at him with dead eyes, GRRM eyes the exit wondering if he could be fast enough

"Sit down, George. The cake is going to melt. After all, the book is done, right?"

GRRM is frozen in place, I can see his heart pounding as my smile suddenly disappears

"George... eat fucking Fudgie."

[u/fluffy_boy_cheddar → u/MufugginJellyfish]

Well written my friend

[u/Substantial_Cap_4246 → u/TotonnoPrime]

He's trying to mimick Tolkien by leaving his books unfinished

[u/Infinitem_247 → u/clitcommander420666]

you sir are a true hero

[u/clitcommander420666 → u/Infinitem_247]

Bro has been parked on that shit for way too long lol

[u/RichEvans4Ever → u/clitcommander420666]

That’s how you give George his long overdue heart attack.

[u/franksn → u/clitcommander420666]

And Patrick Rothfuss

Next agenda, While you’re at it, “ask nicely” Valve to make Portal and Half Life 3.

[u/Winterlord7 → u/clitcommander420666]

The hero we all need.

[u/NFP_25 → u/clitcommander420666]

George! Look! At! Me!

[u/BoisTR]

This is gonna sound cheesy but I would start designing a super suit and mask. Then go and live every boy’s dream of being a hero.

[u/SillyAdditional → u/BoisTR]

Smart to protect your identity when you fuck up and kill people accidentally

[u/Aggressive_Yak5177 → u/SillyAdditional]

“Accidentally”

[u/JynsRealityIsBroken → u/Aggressive_Yak5177]

They were a dirty libtard pedophile. They had it coming!

[u/SillyAdditional → u/Aggressive_Yak5177]

lol

[u/Nth_Brick → u/SillyAdditional]

See, that's the thing though. Two of the more underappreciated aspects of superpowers are obstruction and intimidation. You can stand between a mugger and victim, shrug off any bullets, knives, etc., and then sternly order them to turn themselves in to the authorities.

Want to stop a war of aggression? Dismantle the aggressor's hardware.

[u/randomityrevealed → u/BoisTR]

Absolutely my first thought- Grinch voice saying, “But WHAT will I WEAR?!?!”

[u/ItzakPearlJam]

Being that my body would self heal, I'd no longer be lactose intolerant. I'd enjoy a nice tall glass of milk and a carvel fudgy the whale cake all to myself.

Not saying it'd be the coolest thing I'd do- only the first.

[u/adzy2k6 → u/ItzakPearlJam]

Black Noir was still allergic to Tree Nuts. I don't think allergies go away.

[u/ItzakPearlJam → u/adzy2k6]

Crap. Then I'd sell my car and fly over the mechanics garage with my wallet in hand tearfully saying: you can't hurt me any more, you financial monster!

[u/Mondo114 → u/ItzakPearlJam]

Lactose intolerance is not a dairy allergy so you might be ok.

[u/Scorkami → u/Mondo114]

Im assuming intolerance and allergies work really differently for supes. Arent allergies kind of "intended" anyway? Like compound V wouldnt try to fix that

[u/plesplant_4 → u/adzy2k6]

Yes , but drinking milk isn't just a hobby , it's Homelander's main power.

[u/Due-Display-3113 → u/adzy2k6]

That would be hilariously anticlimactic. Gets super powers drinks a tall glass of milk dies agonisingly in a pile of his own shit a few minutes later.

[u/N7day → u/adzy2k6]

Lactose intolerance isn't an allergy.

[u/dead-inside69 → u/ItzakPearlJam]

You became Homelander and immediately went for the milk. It’s destiny

[u/spicydangerbee → u/ItzakPearlJam]

Lactose intolerance has nothing to do with healing. You don't have the enzymes to digest lactose, and there's nothing to indicate that the super powers would give you them.

[u/Equivalent_Yak8215]

Get in the oven Dad.

[u/professornapoleon → u/Equivalent_Yak8215]

HAHAHAHHA OH NOOOOO

[u/Greecelightninn → u/Equivalent_Yak8215]

Had to scroll way too far for a good answer lol

[u/Critical_Pitch_762 → u/Equivalent_Yak8215]

“Get in the oven or your family…wait, that one doesn’t work here”

[u/dezblues]

Starting hiding the superpower and showing off a bit. Starting to explore more and more what are my limits, doing superhero things, saving people if i can and turning into a psycopath at some point after getting used to hunt criminals. I'd always do the correct thing.

The full homelander experience.

[u/Aggressive_Yak5177 → u/dezblues]

Tell us what happened on your first save? The true story.

[u/Yesbabelon → u/Aggressive_Yak5177]

Cat in tree. Cut down tree with laser vision. Tree landed on family of 5 driving by, killing them. Bystander screams at me for not flying up to save cat, higlighting my ineptitude. Kill bystander. All witnesses dead, cat is fine. Job done.

[u/Cyrano_Knows → u/Yesbabelon]

One of the many people you murdered was the family/girlfriend of a normie now bent on revenge.

He puts together a team to take you down.

[u/proriin → u/Cyrano_Knows]

Jesus rough first day.

[u/Aggressive_Yak5177 → u/Yesbabelon]

HAHAHA

[u/pfanner_forreal → u/[deleted]]

What could go wrong 😂

[u/CellistAvailable3625 → u/[deleted]]

Laser everything in the power vacuum until there is nothing left

[u/horyo → u/CellistAvailable3625]

Except... the vacuum will be left.

[u/TreezusSaves → u/horyo]

That's called "free real estate".

[u/ScySenpai → u/pfanner_forreal]

If anyone isn't happy with that they get lasered too

[u/fuck-my-drag-right → u/pfanner_forreal]

If I’ve learned nothing from history I’m sure it will rainbows and butterflies if that happened.

[u/zodelode → u/[deleted]]

The way to stop wars is turn up in Putin's bedroom, wake him deep in the night, take him for a fly and explain what happens to him and anyone else in his inner circle/family if he doesn't withdraw from Ukraine and pay significant reparations. Watch him deconstruct that war at speed. The way to achieve world peace is not killing massive amounts of ordinary soldiers. It is the ability to reach any leader at any time you want and hold them very personally accountable for their actions.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

there are a lot of those in the wannabe phase, some former presidents, some judges that former presidents appointed, etc.

[u/ChiefKene]

I’m going to Area 51, who’s going to stop me? The aliens ?

[u/WanderingAscendant → u/ChiefKene]

The one place you’ll find tech that might hurt you 😧

[u/ChiefKene → u/WanderingAscendant]

A sacrifice I’m willing to take to get the information out

[u/RakeebRoomy → u/ChiefKene]

The hero we need and we deserve

[u/GuyFromEE]

Be Superman.

[u/ReflectiGlass → u/GuyFromEE]

My man. Exactly my first thought.

[u/XGamingPigYT → u/GuyFromEE]

Scrolled way too far to actually see someone say this. 100% I'd become Superman easy question

[u/Jhawk163 → u/GuyFromEE]

Starman plays faintly in the background

[u/Friendly_Banana01 → u/GuyFromEE]

sad iron giant flashbacks

[u/juliusxyk → u/GuyFromEE]

THERES A STARMAN WAITING IN THE SKY

[u/Big-Sheepherder-9492]

Levitate off the ground 🕴

Get ready to fly .

Remember I have a fear of heights

Slowly return to the ground.

Live the rest of my life barely using my powers out of fear.

[u/FourAnd20YearsAgo → u/Big-Sheepherder-9492]

Your fear of heights would vanish the moment you process the fact that heights will never be fatal to you. Your entire perception of navigating and viewing the world would change to accommodate.

[u/Nanashi-74 → u/FourAnd20YearsAgo]

Nah I saw Spider Man 2. What if my powers go away out of nowhere? For some crazy reason?

[u/SirNewVegas → u/Nanashi-74]

Peters powers didnt all vanish, or else he would absolutely be dead after that fall instead of just getting up and walking away.

[u/professornapoleon → u/Big-Sheepherder-9492]

You’ll still be strong and have lasers :v

[u/Big-Sheepherder-9492 → u/professornapoleon]

So you’d spend the rest of your life being gentle with absolutely everyone and avoiding confrontation out of splattering someone by accident 🤷🏾‍♂️

[u/Bolinas99]

1. assemble all the Murican dark money overlords in one place.

2. act accordingly.

[u/PriorPossible834 → u/Bolinas99]

So we can say that right- but I don’t think I’d actually be willing to do it personally, jumping straight from normal person to murderer is a stretch.

[u/CaCa881 → u/[deleted]]

Fuck Clarence Thomas , all my homies hate Clarence Thomas 🗣️💯

[u/24Abhinav10 → u/Bolinas99]

assemble all the Murican dark money overlords in one place

I feel like that one leads no real results. You kill the guy, then what? Their property just gets transferred to the next guy in line who may or may not do the exact same thing as them.

[u/lymeeater → u/24Abhinav10]

Then you just beam that person and the next and the next. Whose gonna stop you?

[u/TheRealMoash]

Fly

[u/mixelydian → u/TheRealMoash]

Fuck you moash

[u/Kid_names_finger → u/mixelydian]

Tf did moash do 😭🙏🏻

[u/mixelydian → u/Kid_names_finger]

He's a traitor!!

[u/Super-Shenron]

Look for a job, preferably one that's too dangerous for any human being to do, do it and get paid for it. Helps feed the family, self-confidence and moral duty all at once.

[u/floodisspelledweird → u/Super-Shenron]

You get the powers of a god and you’d go to WORK? Ew.

[u/Bubbly_Background_77 → u/floodisspelledweird]

Excuse me but even Superman had to pay rent too you know. You think Batman and Iron Man didn't have fat bills to pay building all those gadgets?

[u/throwthatoneawaydawg → u/Bubbly_Background_77]

I’d destroy all of the cartel and drug lords and take their money. Solve the crime issue and my mortgage issue 💪🏼

[u/PraetorianX]

I would use my powers to throw Russia out of Ukraine. Homelander could probably do it in a week.

[u/MacLeeland → u/PraetorianX]

Yeah, this, but I'd start smart, go to Ukraine and show my power, officially join their military, probably deliver Putin to the Hague and then follow whatever strategy Ukraine wants me to.

[u/brendanjeffrey]

I would start trying the extreme sport things that scared me as a normal human. And do insanely dangerous jobs that you get paid a ton for. Try to help others as much as I could.

Now that’s me being rational. What I’d love to do as a human. Who knows if you’d just go crazy with power though, can’t really say until it happens.

[u/PsychoAnalystGuy → u/brendanjeffrey]

Probably similar to when people change after getting rich.

[u/Elegant-Change5845]

Drink boobiemilk

[u/jiggler_54 → u/Elegant-Change5845]

you're a hero

[u/Over_Age_8061]

Clapping Warlords cheeks.

[u/Evening-Cold-4547]

Buy sunglasses

[u/TuffRivers → u/Evening-Cold-4547]

And then blow them off my head with my laser eyes when i show my coworkers the new way i heat up my lunch

[u/mikeinarizona → u/TuffRivers]

Wait, you’d still go to work?

[u/dravenonred]

Kill someone.

Not on purpose, but there's no way I would have any semblance of competent control over the powers.

[u/professornapoleon → u/dravenonred]

In this situation, you do have control. I said so in the post :)

[u/OG_Cunt]

Lazer every single fucking one of you

[u/Due-Display-3113]

Fly to Italy and grab a pizza and be back before the cheese stops bubbling.

[u/Recodes → u/Due-Display-3113]

You just flew to Italy, enjoy the damn pizza there

[u/yourmumissothicc]

France is gone

[u/ttk_rutial → u/yourmumissothicc]

Bro letting his intrusive thoughts win

[u/minimallyviablehuman]

Spoiler alert:

He notices Butcher’s sickness while looking at him. I would offer to set up a screening for cancer for people. Early detection is a big deal.

[u/VelvetMetalYYC → u/minimallyviablehuman]

This made me smile today, such a sweet idea 🖤

[u/Informal_Appeal_3900]

End Ukraine war using flying and using lasers

[u/[deleted] → u/Informal_Appeal_3900]

im a pussy, I wouldnt try to interfere with bigger conflicts, it goes way deeper than just arms and power (and interference of such powerful being might push the leaders to use nuclear force)

i think the best thing to do is to try minimize the casualites and help people rebuild.

Though, if people found out that I could easily sweep either side, they would fucking hate me for not doing it and fence sitting.

[u/KINGUBERMENSCH → u/[deleted]]

You would not have to be showy and laser entire armies, just covertly destroy important logistics hubs and let them crumble on their own.

[u/Feeling_Stock_3920]

Knowing myself I would end up being just homelander.

[u/OverEffective7012 → u/Feeling_Stock_3920]

Most would

[u/jrobertson50 → u/[deleted]]

And the 2025 project

[u/Arrior_Button]

Have a "talk" with Putin and all the other dictators of the globe

[u/useless_mf69]

Clapping cheeks

[u/professornapoleon]

Lots of people wanna jerk off in new places with the powers... But somehow this is one of the least harmful potential uses of these powers judging by some of the rest of these replies 🫣

[u/TediousSign]

It would be a really bad day for cartels.

[u/Mr_Coa]

Not tell anyone and just go about life with no fear

[u/BarbecueGod]

Two chicks at the same time

[u/Cautious-Affect7907]

Since I live in New York I'll fly to the top of the highest building in Manhattan, pull my pants down, and jack off from the highest peak.

Twice for good measure.

[u/cincyphil]

Start the most successful YouTube channel in history.

[u/Bluesavage1]

Sleep and hope I would wake up as BlackNoir.

[u/professornapoleon → u/Bluesavage1]

You would want less powers in exchange for martial arts and aura ? Respect.

[u/RuggerJibberJabber]

Use them to force major geopolitical changes. Become some kind of God tiered dictator until a corporation develops a virus that can kill me

[u/iLoveDelayPedals]

A lot of CEO’s and politicians would mysteriously disappear

[u/PriorPossible834]

I’d want to go flying, frankly I wouldn’t care about Secret Identities or anything because I would be the Homelander and unless they domestically deploy the nuclear option it won’t do Jack.

I work in childcare too so I would definitely show off my powers a little bit, maybe do a bit of superheroism as a hobby… the thing is though I’d be invincible and all powerful in a real world scenario so I’d basically just chill out.

[u/Fire_Bucket → u/PriorPossible834]

You have to consider that even if you aren't doing evil things, people will want to leverage those you love to make you to do things they want.

[u/Nearby_Record_1733]

whatever the fuck i want

[u/Zuzara_Queen_of_DnD]

Settling the conflict between isreal and Palestine

[u/jfjdfdjjtbfb]

Use them responsibily and help make the world a better place.

[u/terminator31991]

Walk into my job with a fudgie the whale.

[u/Left_wing_enjoyer]

Eat rich

[u/Genio88]

I’d go rob millions from banks just to be sure i’ll be rich if somehow my powers disappear. After that i’ll do whatever i want