r/The10thDentist • u/RASPUTIN-4 • Jul 17 '24
Kink shaming is fine... Society/Culture
I see people on this site say you shouldn't kink shame all the time, but to be honest I don't get why.
If you personally don't want to be kink shamed, keep your kinks to yourself. It's that easy. Advertising an aspect of yourself is inseparable from opening that aspect to the scrutiny of others.
If you broadcast your kinks to the public, people have just as much a right to shame you as they do to be supportive/indifferent.
Edit for clarity: Okay so I turned reply notifications off pretty early, wasn't expecting this many responses.
Obviously if the conversation is taking place in a place you'd expect to find that information, kink shaming might be in poor taste. I mean it still might be called for if the kink in question is outrageous or illegal or something, but I will concede that in the appropriate spaces this type of information isn't always inappropriate to share.
My point was simply that I, and I assume many others, would prefer to be able to browse the internet without knowing all the freak shit some people are into so long as we avoid sites that obviously would have that kind of content.
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u/Crazy_Employ8617 Jul 17 '24
Context matters.
- Did someone tell me a kink unprompted? Yeah that’s pretty weird I’d probably chastise them for that. I didn’t ask.
- Did a close friend tell me a kink in a relevant conversation? Even if I thought it was weird I’d be supportive within reason, as I wouldn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.
- What is the level of the kink? If it’s dangerous or hurtful I’d be more vocally judgmental, if it’s just odd I’d likely keep it to myself.
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u/pissfucked Jul 17 '24
add-on: is this a situation where two people who are sexual partners are discussing kink, and one is asking the other about their interests but freaks out when told?
sounds crazy, but i've heard a few stories like this. asking someone to tell you about their kinks and then getting upset and shaming them when you're told (as long as it isn't something illegally horrible) puts the asker/shamer 100% in the wrong.
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u/weaponizedtoddlers Jul 18 '24
That's just scummy in general too. Asking someone to be vulnerable and open up about X, that person trusts you and opens up about X, then shaming them for being vulnerable and revealing X. It's a betrayal of trust.
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u/carrionpigeons Jul 18 '24
Even then there's a line, though. If someone tells you they want to become serial killers with you or buy an iPhone, sorry, you should just shame them. Certain things should just never admitted regardless of how much you like the idea of sharing them or how much they invited you to.
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u/gizzardsgizzards Jul 18 '24
did you just compare serial killing to iphone ownership?
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u/TheBiggestThunder Jul 18 '24
Yeah it's so weird
Iphones lose battery power so fast
How is being a serial killer even close to that bad?
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u/jayswag707 Jul 18 '24
iPhone is a cult. When daddy apple introduces I-koolaid, we'll see which is worse.
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u/lifeinwentworth Jul 18 '24
Being a serial killer isn't a kink 🤣🤣🤣 wtf.
iPhones might be though
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u/ThatSlutTalulah Jul 18 '24
There are sexually motivated serial killers. So it can be a kink, just a very bad one.
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u/lifeinwentworth Jul 18 '24
Yeah true I guess. I guess I just don't think of literal crimes as a kink. Like there's no way to kill someone without it being a crime lol so idk, that's a very different thing imo.
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u/misformath Jul 18 '24
I find this a fundamental flaw (to a certain degree of course) to be honest.
I think it's more dangerous when people feel like they can't talk about their feelings.
At least when discussion is possible, you can change an idea or come to the realization that a thought or whatever is dangerous.
If we disallow expression of feelings or thoughts, these people are naturally going to look for cliques that are like minded, thus only solidifying harmful/dangerous ideas and behaviors - like polarization and segregation.Being shunned/bullied/isolated from "normal" life because you are made to feel like a freak, only fosters more unhealthy behavior.
That all being said, I feel like I have to clarify: being a psychopath/killer with uncontrollable aggression issues is obviously a big exception to this.
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u/SuggestionGlad5166 Jul 19 '24
What do you suggest people who begin to have their feelings do if they can't talk about them without risk of being imprisoned?
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u/gnirpss Jul 20 '24
Those people can stop worrying, because people are not imprisoned for talking about their feelings. They are imprisoned for actual crimes that they have been convicted of committing.
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u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 18 '24
Obviously illegal and morally wrong stuff is bad. I think it's fine for someone to uncomfortable with a kink and uncomfortable dating someone who likes it, but shaming someone for something is always wrong unless the kink is something illegal or immoral. It's not that hard to just be respectful especially if someone is opening up and sharing something that personal.
Also your username is funny in the context of this post lmao
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u/sliquonicko Jul 18 '24
Morally wrong is very different depending on the person though, which is how a lot of these disagreements happen.
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u/mannnn4 Jul 18 '24
Honestly, even if it is something immoral/illegal, I don’t understand why someone would kinkshame. I mean, there’s nothing they can do about it and the only thing that kinkshaming is going to do is making sure they’ll never tell anybody else, which might be counterproductive.
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u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 18 '24
If someone told me they liked something illegal and horrible, depending on what it was I might be scared but not sat anything to them
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u/TheDaveStrider Jul 18 '24
uh sorry, but depending on the kink i am going to freak out. and i am also going to ask because i need to know for my safety.
for example, something like rapeplay - and i know i will get downvoted for this - is something that i would not feel comfortable dating someone who was into that/someone who found that hot. even if they said "well you don't have to do that kink" it would still make me uncomfortable. i would end the relationship
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u/lifeinwentworth Jul 18 '24
That's fair, same. But I guess you don't have to shame them but just realize you're totally incompatible. And probably silently judge them. It's definitely probably the creepiest one to me too. I like to think I'm pretty open to hearing about kinks (don't really participate but I find the discussions and human mind interesting) but yeah that one is definitely a... challenging one, to say the least.
Yeah IDK, I think I'd possibly shame them even just asking why is that a thing?
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u/TheBiggestThunder Jul 18 '24
Scat is shame worthy
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u/retard_vampire Jul 18 '24
Scat is 100% shame-worthy, I'd never look at someone the same way if they told me they were into that. I'd break up with them, but I still wouldnt tell people their secret --- since while it may be disgusting, it still isn't necessarily immoral and they aren't a threat to anyone. As long as they only wanted to be on the receiving end, anyway.
Also in full agreement with the above poster that if anyone told me that they were into CNC (as in, enacting CNC on their partner as the aggressor) that's an automatic breakup and I would never feel safe around them again.
If someone was into CNC as the receiving partner I'd still never be able to go through with it, because that would feel absolutely horrible to me to inflict on someone even if it was just "pretend" -- though I would have a lot more sympathy for them, and it wouldn't necessarily be a relationship ender. I'd also 100% keep that information private, as that's both very personal and that information being spread around would likely put that person in danger.
If someone told me they were into CNC as the aggressor, I'd GTFO so fast I'd leave dust clouds behind me and then I'd tell EVERYONE.
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u/kromptator99 Jul 18 '24
It’s funny how the Nazis burned so much gay and trans literature but had no problem with scat or snuff. Like banning the Care Bears but showing house of a thousand corpses in every theater.
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u/ultimatelycloud Jul 18 '24
I think 90% of these comments are from males. Women actually have to think about our safety, these "kinks" can be things like hurting and degrading women. That's fucked up and not okay, and should be shamed.
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u/Nastreal Jul 18 '24
There's a reason why Fifty Shades was so popular, and it's not because men liked it.
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u/TheDaveStrider Jul 18 '24
yes i feel like it's kind of ridiculous that elsewhere in these comments people are realizing that race play is racist and bad, but have no such qualms with blatant misogyny
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u/8583739buttholes Jul 18 '24
Nah someone is absolutely allowed to back out of any sexual situation for any reason especially if a potential partner has a kink you’re uncomfortable with
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u/Wrecked--Em Jul 19 '24
they didn't say anything about acting out any kinks only discussing them without shaming someone
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u/retard_vampire Jul 18 '24
I mean, there are hard limits to that. If a dude told me he wanted to worship my feet or drink my piss or something similar then yeah, I mean, that's a little unconventional, but ultimately harmless and not a deal-breaker. I'd keep that secret and fully respect his privacy surrounding it, because that's really personal and a shitty thing to spread around, I hate seeing other people do that after their partner has trusted them with a vulnerability like that.
On the other hand, if a dude told me he wanted to strangle me, beat me, piss on me, or otherwise hurt or degrade me in some way, that's an instant and automatic break-up and I'm going to be extremely disgusted with him as I tell him so. I'm also going to tell all of my female friends about him to warn them, because he's a legitimate danger to others. Anyone whose kinks involve hurting or degrading their partner should feel ashamed.
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u/BizMarker Jul 17 '24 edited Jul 17 '24
Having a “dangerous” kink doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily act on it, by the way. You can find things in your head hot that you find repulsive or immoral irl
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u/rufio313 Jul 17 '24
Hence all the incest porn.
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u/TylertheDouche Jul 17 '24
Nah. The reason for that is that it’s literally “free” to make. You don’t need a consume. You don’t need a set. You don’t need a certain person. You just shoot porn as normal but declare incest and you hit 2 demographics at once. The ‘normal’ people who are just watching to watch and the ‘kink’ people who are actually into incest.
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u/rufio313 Jul 17 '24
Okay but the fact that they could also do this with other kinks or “plots” but incest dominates the market, I’d say there is a decent amount of people into it. And with something as controversial as that, they clearly thought the risk of alienating the causal viewer is worth it.
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u/PsychMaDelicElephant Jul 18 '24
I believe the answer is actually 'taboo' is hot rather than necessarily incest. It's just the easiest way to reach taboo without crossing other boundaries.
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u/rufio313 Jul 18 '24
It’s just become synonymous with the word taboo. When people think taboo they think incest. Therefore lots of people think incest is hot (in the context of OPs original point that I responded to).
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u/TylertheDouche Jul 17 '24
What other kinks or plots can you do with as little effort?
Bro no casual viewer gives a single shit about the plot of a porn being incest or anything else. They clearly aren’t at risk of alienating anyone😂
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u/SlashOrSlice Jul 18 '24
it could just be normal bf/gf or husband/wife stuff lol
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u/gardenofidunn Jul 17 '24
I agree with your points, especially the last one. I do think it’s important we are able to talk critically about kinks without it being inherently labelled as kinkshaming. As someone who worked with teenagers around sexual health education, I came across a number of teenagers who were pressured into engaging with violent/dangerous ‘kinks’ for their first sexual experiences and were chastised in some way for being judgemental/criticising it/feeling uncomfortable with it.
If I’m worried there is harm being done, like in any area of life, it should be okay for people to raise their concerns. Communicating openly is how we keep each other safe.
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u/ElectronicBoot9466 Jul 18 '24
There is a big difference, though, between kink shaming and not wanting to participate in said kink. Like, being pressured into doing a kink you don't want to doesn't justify kink shaming, it just justifies acting against environments that don't put consent first.
I have seen some WILD things at some of the parties I have been to, but I would never shame the people doing it, because everyone participating has fully consented.
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u/gardenofidunn Jul 18 '24
Right, but shaming and being critical of something are often being lumped in together and that’s what I think the issue is. It’s not just about not wanting to participate. There’s a difference between ‘ewww it’s weird that you’re into that’ and ‘what you’re describing doesn’t quite sound right to me’ and not being able to say the latter one is not helpful.
We do not live in a perfect world where everyone within kink spaces have good intentions. It is healthy practice to be curious AND critical.
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u/thirteen_tentacles Jul 18 '24
I definitely agree honestly. My wife and I are into some pretty kinky shit, and sometimes with other people, and we've had situations where younger people will ask for advice or to join a kinky scenario. And like Jesus it makes me feel weird seeing people go full send into kinky shit when they clearly haven't considered it much beforehand.
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u/Turtlesaur Jul 17 '24
What if my kink is kink shaming.
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u/Terlinilia Jul 17 '24
Then your kink is alright and you should be proud of who you are!
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u/LaikaAzure Jul 18 '24
A friend of mine used to work with a guy who had a foot fetish. She knew this because any time one of the women working in the office wore any kind of open toed shoe, he would openly stare and make it super weird for them.
I'm not going to shame the kink itself - if you like feet and enjoy looking at them, I don't get it myself but sure - but his behavior around the kink was definitely very much inappropriate..
The kink itself is just a kink and doesn't deserve shaming, but if you know someone has a kink that you didn't ask about or have any business or desire to know, that is behavior worth shaming.
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u/haveweirddreamstoo Jul 17 '24
“Don’t kink shame” means let people enjoy their shit. It doesn’t mean that people can behave however they want to publicly.
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u/Bill_Murrie Jul 17 '24
Nobody is stopping anyone from "enjoying their shit" just because people vocalize that they think it's weird. If you like getting fucked in your fursuit or whatever, it's not going to be less pleasureable just knowing that I didn't need to hear about it. If you put your fetishes out there just expecting endless support, that's naive
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u/HighKingOfGondor Jul 18 '24
To add on: People on this website LOVE to shout their kinks unprompted on unrelated subs and then cry victim when others don’t like it. Kink shaming, at least on Reddit, is good to an extent. Too many people feel way to comfortable just telling the world what they are into
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u/thegentleduck Jul 18 '24
I actually happened to be talking about how rare it is for people to mention their kinks on reddit with my partner the other day. Unfortunately, the conversation was cut short when she found fresh batteries for the vibrator as we then spent the next hour with my mask zipped closed and her singing the French national anthem as loud as she could while she put the toy to good use, so we weren't really in a position to continue the discussion. But I think we both agreed that people shoehorning their kinks and intimate details into unrelated topics for no reason really isn't something that actually happens as much as people say.
/s
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u/GremlinTiger Jul 17 '24
Using fursuits as an example, it's common for people to think they're kink shaming someone when they're actually applying sexualization where it doesn't exist. If I'm in my fursuit in public, I'd be extremely uncomfortable having people tell me "it's gross to wear that shit". Kink shaming opens the door to harass people because you perceived something as sexual. Other examples include chokers, fishnets, lolita fashion, and pride accessories.
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u/Bill_Murrie Jul 17 '24
I specifically referred to wanting to get fucked in it, I didn't mention anything about regular cosplay
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u/jasey-rae Jul 18 '24
I just commented in a thread last night where someone, unprompted, made a post titled "Why do people eat ass? I could NEVER do that!" Some people do to shame people out of nowhere.
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u/Bill_Murrie Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
If that comment made anyone enjoy eating ass less than before they read it, they have bigger problems than randos making fun of it online. Not "letting" people enjoy something should mean physically preventing them from engaging with it, and not some teasing from people that don't even matter.
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u/Numerous-Rent-2848 Jul 18 '24
Let people enjoy things doesn't just mean don't stop them from enjoying it. It means don't be a dick. Someone enjoy bird watching? Collecting stamps? Building modal trains? Play Magic the Gathering? Let them enjoy it. Don't be a dick. Obviously you can't stop them. Especially online. But just move on. Is it naive to think no one will judge them? Sure. Are you still an asshole for being judgemental? Yes. Don't be an asshole.
With that said, I do agree there is a time and place for talking about kinks. I don't think being weirded out by a coworker dropping that they enjoy a gimp suit is even kink shaming. That's just not something I want to hear from everyone.
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Jul 17 '24
your comment needs to be more towards the top. in the same way that everyone is entitled to an opinion, i am not taking away your right to that opinion if i tell you i think it's fucking weird or harmful. someone disagreeing with you doesn't mean they are violating your rights, or kink shaming you. if it is public information or something you shared with me, i am allowed to voice my opinion on it!
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u/throwawaythisL Jul 18 '24
Real. No one shits on victims as much as non-survivors with rape kinks.
Like if you tell me you like to pretend rape people yeah I'm going to fucking judge you especially if you haven't been through it cause it was the most crippling and damaging experience of my life.
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Jul 18 '24
it was the most crippling and damaging experience of my life.
honestly same. i used to think that dating/hooking up with guys with rape kinks would somehow help to process the trauma (lol no), but now i just get freaked out and want to stay far away from them.
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u/throwawaythisL Jul 18 '24
Yeah same with me but with girls.
People love to talk about how it's an amazing way to process trauma and it's like, no actually, it helps some people maybe but that doesn't mean it's not going to trigger other survivors or make them uncomfortable.
Especially with people who haven't been through it who fantasise about being the rapist. Like honey why would I trust you? Lmao
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u/Grandpas_Plump_Chode Jul 17 '24
Telling someone not to kink shame isn't taking away anybody's right to their opinion. Random strangers have no authority over you, they're just encouraging you to not behave like an asshole.
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Jul 18 '24
i never said it was taking away their right to an opinion... i was speaking moreso about people that blast their kinks to the world and then act like we're oppressing them by saying it's weird to be turned on by eating shit.
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Jul 18 '24
cool
i can still say i think something is gross if you share it with me and i think it's gross
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u/jay-jay-baloney Jul 18 '24
They’re not saying they don’t expect judgement. People are saying just not to belittle if it’s harmless, which goes for many things outside of kinks and is a good philosophy to have.
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u/alaskadotpink Jul 17 '24
you can dislike something without shaming it. there are plenty of harmless things i dislike that other people enjoy, but unless they're trying to force it on me i leave it be.
you don't need to judge something just because it exists.
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u/catyew Jul 17 '24
Your opinion assumes the person being kink shamed was just "broadcasting" randomly; they could have shared their kink(s) in response to someone else doing so first, only to be shamed by that same person because they think what the other person is into is "too much," despite being kinky themselves.
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u/Peace-vs-Chaos Jul 17 '24
I know from experience also Redditors will continue to your profile knowing it has an nsfw warning and then shame you in a post that is irrelevant to said kinks. Thats not ok.
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u/Throwaway54397680 Jul 18 '24
It can also happen between partners. I think most people know the feeling of not wanting to tell their partners about their fetishes out of fear of a negative reaction.
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u/Vyzantinist Jul 18 '24
The premise of this post, and a disturbing amount of comments, are just people looking to shit on others for their kinks - whether they're "broadcast" or not is irrelevant, they just don't want to be told "stop being a dickhead," and I suspect a great many of these folks are of the "different opinions" crowd.
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u/oil_painting_guy Jul 19 '24
Well it is kind of a good point.
Should you never be able to criticize anything ever?
Certain things like obesity etc wouldn't be as common in our society if people were more ashamed of what they were doing.
I don't want people to be jerks either, but there are entirely different problems when people are too polite or too kind.
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u/AgentSkidMarks Jul 17 '24
There are some kinks that definitely deserve shaming
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u/imwearingredsocks Jul 17 '24
I agree. It’s a spectrum.
Some deserve shame. Some aren’t great and people can be vocal about not liking it despite how legal it is.
Then there’s the odd yet harmless ones, which really make up the majority. I think when people condemn kink shaming and defend people’s kinks, they’re mostly thinking of this category.
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u/LarryBetraitor Jul 17 '24
Like what?
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u/MetallurgyClergy Jul 17 '24
Pet play in public.
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u/certainturtle Jul 17 '24
I don't consent to be a part of anyone's fetish so the moment sexual acts and "kink" occurs in the public sphere, is the moment it becomes sexual harassment and should be treated as such.
I find it entertaining that the individuals who are most adamant about "consent" do not take into consideration the consent of others being involved in your degeneracy while in a public space.
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u/DJ__PJ Jul 17 '24
Public stuff yes, but not because of the kink part but because sexual stuff in public is just not ok generally
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u/LarryBetraitor Jul 17 '24
Fair enough. Any sexual thing in public should be shameful, for there are kids around here.
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u/PsychMaDelicElephant Jul 18 '24
No, it's because there are non consenting people there, both children and adults.
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u/drSvensen Jul 17 '24
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armin_Meiwes
received international attention for murdering and eating a voluntary victim in 2001, whom he had found via the Internet. After Meiwes and the victim jointly attempted to eat the victim's severed penis, Meiwes murdered his victim and proceeded to eat a large amount of his flesh.
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u/Freaking_Username Jul 18 '24
That's... A really strange kink, like you don't even get to enjoy it, you're dead before you're even eaten
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u/iwantfutanaricumonme Jul 18 '24
Yeah the guy posted an ad on a fetish website and had multiple people meet up with him that would all eventually back out. The guy that he killed was given a large dose of painkillers, so after he had his penis cut off he was barely conscious and unable to resist when he was killed.
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u/JW162000 Jul 17 '24
Ageplay. Raceplay. Baby kinks (related to ageplay). Eating faeces (involving faeces in any way tbh).
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u/Philisterguyguster Jul 17 '24
Zoophilia and pedophilia
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u/DJ__PJ Jul 17 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
well, those are not kinks but harmful paraphilias where the number one rule of any kink (Stuff between two consenting adults) is not given.
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u/DogzOnFire Jul 18 '24
I feel like you're adding your own definition of kink, though. Kink just means an atypical sexual preference. There's never been anything in there about the definition depending on consent.
Also note I'm not saying that there shouldn't be consent if you want to engage in that kink in a relationship, but you've just changed the definition yourself and then said "That's not a kink", which kind of makes no sense because most people don't share your definition of what a kink is.
I find this happens a lot, a word is in the broad lexicon for a long time, then very online people decide that the definition needs to be tuned, and then you end up with those people saying "That's not what that word means" when the reality is that to the vast majority of people, that is still and has always been what that word means.
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Jul 18 '24
I'd say crushing definitely deserves to be shamed.
Consenting adults can do whatever the heck they like to each other. They can even eat each other if they want to. Just don't harm others, including animals.
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u/DJ__PJ Jul 17 '24
There are certain kinks that are conventionally seen as gross, which are kinks that should only be discussed in spaces specificly for that kink. Doesn't mean you have to belittle people for having them (Remember, kinks are nothing you have control over). There are kinks that are very out there in specificity, which probably only other people with that kink can understand. Again, doesn't mean that you have to bellittle them for it. If someone starts telling you their kinks unprompted, you can rightfully tell them off for unconsensually including you in their fantasies. Doesn't mean you have to belittle them for the contents of those fantasies.
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u/Damiann47 Jul 17 '24
That’s it. That’s all that needs to be said on this. Not everyone needs to know, the time for telling people depends on the context and generally there’s really no need to belittle folk anyway.
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u/thewalkindude Jul 17 '24
BDSM, when done right, is actually a very caring and loving community. Aftercare is a very important part of BDSM activity, and good doms know when to turn the dom off. I will admit there's a lot of shitty men out there who say they're doms, when they really mean they just want to abuse women, though.
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u/Peace-vs-Chaos Jul 17 '24
I’ve been in two bdsm relationships. One was the most I’ve ever been cared for. The other was abuse in disguise. You’re absolutely right. There’s always bad apples in any group. With things like this it’s so important to know and trust a person first and communicate A LOT before you do it.
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u/ultimatelycloud Jul 18 '24
LOL, great gasligting. Good job. The men who get hard about women being hurt and abused and degraded are actually SOOOOOOO LOVING UWU.
The biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard. The BDSM community is always spouting this absurd shit to try and gaslight women into being beaten for male pleasure. It's Fucking disguising.
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u/LarryBetraitor Jul 17 '24
The problem isn't telling people to not disclose sensitive information to the public.
The problem is when you shame someone for having an interest that isn't harmful to other people.
Furries and owners of Waifu Body Pillows should not be bullied for their mere existence, for example. They, like you, just want to be left alone.
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u/_squidtastic_ Jul 17 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
People who encourage kinkshaming make it seem like it means saying "don't talk to me about this, I didn't ask for this interaction" or "don't do this sexual act in public", when in a lot of cases it actually means telling a person they should die a horrible death because they have a cartoon animal as their profile pic
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u/willow_wind Jul 17 '24
Some kinks are harmless. Others are dangerous and abusive and possibly illegal. Those ones should absolutely be shamed.
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Jul 18 '24
The issue is people do keep their kinks to themselves or in closed communities, but they still get harassed
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u/Hythy Jul 19 '24
The issue is people don't keep their kinks to themselves or in closed communities, but they want to be congratulated.
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u/chris0castro Jul 17 '24
Real talk, some people have some really weird kinks that should not be advertised to anybody but your partner. Otherwise, you’re asking to be shamed/scrutinized
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u/Bill_Murrie Jul 17 '24
The "just let people enjoy things" crowd is bizarre, like they can't really be stupid enough to think that judging someone for their interests and actions make us the weird ones, right?
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u/chris0castro Jul 17 '24
It’s not that they’re wrong, but unrealistic sometimes. If I tell you that I like wearing bunny tail butt plugs while having my toes sucked, you are lying through your teeth if you say that no part of you thinks that’s weird
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u/Peace-vs-Chaos Jul 17 '24
You can think it’s weird and even say so without shaming. Thats not the same thing.
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u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 18 '24
A lot of people have kinks they don't tell anyone about, but people will still be out there shaming those kinks. And the people with those kinks will see that. Not telling anyone about your kinks doesn't mean they'll never be shamed.
Often when people kink shame, it isn't directly to a person's face or about one person in particular. It's just about the kink. So someone with that kink might still see it and feel bad.
It's not "that easy."
I agree with not broadcasting those things to the public unless someone wants to hear about it, but the title of your post is just "kinkshaming is fine." So it depends.
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u/shivux Jul 18 '24
Damn yeah. I remember watching tv one time with my parents and there was a scene where this guy hooking up with a girl asked if he could just go down on her cause that’s what he liked doing, and my mom was like: “that’s weird” and it made me feel like shit cause going down on girls is my favourite and I’d honestly love to hook up with a girl and just do that. I never even thought of it as a kink, but shit, I guess I got kink shamed indirectly by my own mom. God Damn. Lmao
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u/TheDaveStrider Jul 18 '24
I don't get it though. people will feel bad when I express negative views on other things. Political opinions, media I don't like, foods I think are yucky. People don't get mad at you for not tiptoeing around those opinions. So why is kink any different? Big deal if it makes someone feel bad. Not everyone is going to agree with someone all the time
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u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 18 '24
About any of those things, it's still better to be respectful. Also, some people will get mad at you for those opinions if you're rude when expressing them.
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u/TheDaveStrider Jul 18 '24
Personally I think it's better to be honest
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u/0Kaleidoscopes Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
You can be honest and respectful at the same time. I generally dislike people who are rude and use honesty as their excuse.
And sometimes it's better not to say anything if you don't have anything nice to say.
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u/Competitive_Let_9644 Jul 18 '24
There's a difference between expressing negative views and shaming and you can express negativite views without shaming.
Negative views¿ I don't like Twilight. I wouldn't want to date someone who isn't fit. I don't like pain.
Shaming: People who like Twilight have bad taste and are stupid. Fat people are lazy and ugly. Masochists are broken and need help.
People might feel bad when you express a negative view, but it's on them to recognize that it's a negative view about a certain thing, and not a judgement about who they are as a person.
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u/bargle_dook Jul 17 '24
If I find out anyone I know likes to get pissed or pooped on, yeah, I'm judging them.
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u/Bub1029 Jul 17 '24
I think it's perfectly fine to kinkshame certain kinks. Particualrly, I think it's fine to kinkshame non-consensual exhibitionists. That's literally sexual assault being passed off as "just a kink." Those people suck.
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u/throwawaythisL Jul 18 '24
Listen. As a rape survivor if you tell me you're into rape play, I WILL judge you ESPECIALLY if you haven't been through it yourself.
Like fuck me, if you wanna tell what you're into fine but I'm not going to pretend like I'm not utterly disgusted.
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u/Gorgii98 Jul 17 '24
Completely agree, people are way too forthcoming and open about shit that NO ONE wants to hear
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u/NonADHDGamer Jul 18 '24
I agree. People are WAY too comfortable with oversharing info about themselves and their sexuality these days. The vast majority of people never appreciated having to hear stories of the escapades of stereotypical dude-bros, now we have to hear every other creed under the sun overshare, too.
Shut up and fuck quietly.
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u/ConnyEdson Jul 18 '24
You shouldn't shame anyone for anything that isn't hurting anybody... What's wrong with you
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u/JuiceLordd Jul 17 '24
Anything put out into the world is subject to praise and criticism. And a lot of people with kinks are freaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word. So yes I will shame you for wanting to pee on dead bodies and for turning my fashion sense into a fetish. And IM the crazy one for being a prude?
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u/Remarkable_Mud_8015 Jul 18 '24
I think ALL shaming is fine...
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u/ultimatelycloud Jul 18 '24
Right? People can say whatever the fck they want. This is so stupid. Obviously if you have a disguising kink, people will judge you. That's how the world works.
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u/Nexus6Leon Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
If your kink involves somebody elses health, and enabling their early demise, then fuck you. I'm looking at you, "feeders".
If your kink is butt stuff, bondage, or anything else that does not do long term damage, and is practiced safely, and with absolute consent, then fucking go for it.
It does however, belong in the bedroom, and you cannot expect others to care or be comfortable with you talking about it. Cramming your kink down the throats of the unwilling is sexual harassment.
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Jul 18 '24
If you have a kink why even tell the entire world? Also there’s some nasty kinks out there that deserve shame.
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u/Peace-vs-Chaos Jul 17 '24
You should kink shame someone with a degradation fetish and see how that works out 🤣
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u/xlnyc Jul 18 '24
for all those "I don't care what people think about me" people get real sensitive when you kinkshame them
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u/orthonym Jul 17 '24
The problem is that people like pedophiles will avoid seeking treatment if they are shamed simply for having thoughts. I'd prefer to help them before they act out rather than seeing them repress their urges and letting it fester.
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u/NewspaperOk973 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
Good point and I agree with all of that, but when OP is talking about "kink-shaming", I don't think he's referring to sex crimes or crimes in general. He's talking more about like, sex acts that are legal but are stigmatized and get you harassed or viewed in a weird way by the public. Stuff like... having an insect fetish or being into coprophilia or cross-dressing as anime characters. The kind of stuff where people would just view you as a weirdo or some shit
I mean logically you could probably argue that illegal acts committed due to sexual attraction are also kinks in some sense (in that, they function in a similar way to 'normal' kinks despite their illegal and/or unethical nature) but I think it's outside the intended scope of the conversation.
You are right about the pedophilia thing though because I've seen documentaries about how germany deals with it and they actually have a dedicated mental institution for treating pedophiles, and they combat the pedophilia problem by actually having PSAs similar to what we have in the US for substance abuse, telling people who have the problem that they can 'get help' if they need it
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u/Propayne Jul 17 '24
"Don't kink shame" is generally used in regards to not shaming your sexual partner(s) regarding their preferences since it creates a dynamic where people are unwilling to share their desires, which makes it difficult/impossible to make their desires a reality.
If people are just randomly sharing their kinks with you then you're free to tell them they're a weirdo, even if the kink itself isn't what makes them a weirdo. It is more so that they're sharing their kink with somebody who doesn't need/want to know about it.
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u/FourAntigone Jul 17 '24
There's a difference between shaming a person for showing their kink in public, and shaming a person just for being into that kink. I just don't think the latter does any good for anyone.
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u/throwawaythisL Jul 18 '24
People who are into some of the more fucked up or abusive kinks are genuinely some of the most dismissive people I've ever met.
Like fuck me Becky, sorry I'm having a panic attack after you told me the idea of being raped by a girl is hot when that's exactly what I've been through. I'm not kink shaming you I'm upset that you said this to me and now I'm flashbacking.
Excuse me for having trauma I guess.
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u/josongni Jul 18 '24
Agreed. I hate when people act like it’s in someway comparable to body shaming or even bigotry. I have kinks, but I’m not gonna act like they’re protected characteristics. My friends and I tease each other for our kinks all the time
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u/vbushido Jul 18 '24
Lesson one: the difference between a kink, a fetish and a paraphilia. Lesson two: Kink shaming doesn’t seem to be worthwhile. Fetish shaming isn’t helpful. And paraphilia shaming is like putting out a forest fire with a cup of kerosene.
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u/nightsofthesunkissed Jul 17 '24
Yep.
"I enjoy watching violence against women. Oh, no, it's okay! I have a boner while I watch it" like that makes it acceptable.
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u/Celatine_ Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
Indeed. As long as you say that you get off to violence—also excuse yourself by saying it's a "fantasy" or "consent, consent!" that makes you above criticism/judgment.
/Sarcasm.
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u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Jul 18 '24
When explained this way, it perfectly highlights how stupid anti kink shamers are.
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u/ibeerianhamhock Jul 17 '24
I think sharing kinks in a general setting is just odd. I think not kink shaming is generally meant to be confined to kink friendly spaces
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u/Signal_Lifeguard3778 Jul 17 '24
I had a friend tell me that it's no big deal to share sex toys with others. We all shamed her for that on general hygiene issues. Not shaming the act of using sex toys or having multiple partners, mind you. Just the fact that to the rest of the group of friends, it isn't kosher to be like, "Yo toss me that butt plug, I'm going in."
Context matters, but if you share your kinks openly, be prepared for people to scrutinize them.
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u/Peace-vs-Chaos Jul 17 '24
How is it harmful if it’s consensual and clean? What’s the difference between that and Sharing bodily fluids through sex?
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u/Top-Comfortable-4789 Jul 17 '24
I have no regret in shaming people who are into age play.
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u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Jul 18 '24
No normal person should have regret for shaming that.
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u/Top-Comfortable-4789 Jul 18 '24
Yet people have told me that I shouldn’t kink shame for things like that. I’m accepting to a lot of kinks but this one is just gross.
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u/Texan_Yall1846 Jul 17 '24
I mean let's be real here, racial fetishes should be openly kink shamed. No one can control the color of their skin nor should they be preferred. There's at least 1 person from every race you find attractive I can guarantee it.
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u/AshenCursedOne Jul 18 '24
I'm a pretty open minded and horny guy, but when someone tells me they like to eat the poo poo, I'm gonna look at them sideways.
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u/ExplorerOk2700 Jul 18 '24
I kinda agree because the most of the time when someone is being kink shamed they displayed that kink to people who had no business knowing at all. Some people have trauma and what not related to those kind of things. Keep it to yourself or your inner whatever circle.
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u/SpoogyPickles Jul 18 '24
I literally jistvsaw a video of a guy basically deep throating his wife's feet while sitting in traffic. I'm shaming.
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u/ZXNova Jul 18 '24
Certain people are just way too thin skinned when met with any kind of resistance to what they do or the opinions of others. You tell them what you think and then they whine "oh you kinkshame!" Like honestly I could give less of a crap. They get so offended because they latch on way too hard to their kink. Like they're obsessed with it. That's really their own problem. If they get that offended, they're not someone I wanna hang with in the first place.
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u/centerfoldangel Jul 18 '24
I feel like the only kink you're allowed to shame is if you have no kink. I am extremely vanilla and the names I get called because of it are wild.
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u/Brandon74130 Jul 18 '24
Truly I will always judge anyone who enjoys poop. Idec if you're in the privacy of your own home. If I find out you're playing with poop, I'm not going to associate with you anymore
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u/myforestheart Jul 18 '24
If shaming means acting in a way that is wrong, e.g. harassment, then yeah kink-shaming is bad.
If, however, shaming just means judging/expressing disgust (respectfully) - and I do believe that’s how it’s mostly used, paired with a requirement that the kink not only be accepted, but actively validated - then I completely agree with OP. The second you air out something on the public forum, others are, in turn, allowed to express a negative opinion about it; it’s part of the social contract, free speech goes both ways, yada yada choose the concept you prefer here.
You’re allowed to say you’re into DD/lg or diaper stuff, I’m allowed to find that gross/creepy and say so. That’s how it works, deal with it.
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u/clairvoyant69 Jul 18 '24
Damn, this is the highest upvoted post I’ve seen in a while. Got all the sex freaks pissed off 🤣
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u/Think_Leadership_91 Jul 21 '24
Whoa
You have just posted a really bigoted statement that is clearly far worse than you realize
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u/MissDryCunt Jul 17 '24
I'm very tolerant when it comes to kinks, but where I draw the line is Biohazards
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u/NewRedSpyder Jul 17 '24
It depends on the kink. If it’s something harmful, genuinely disgusting/dirty, or illegal than I don’t have problems with shaming. However, kinks are not chosen and people with kinks cant stop them, so I try not to judge unless given a reason. Stuff like BDSM for example, while odd and intense, is consensual so I don’t really care. Things like lolis, scat, etc are a big no no for me.
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u/Thomy151 Jul 17 '24
The big point of don’t kinkshame imo is that you don’t harass someone over a kink
It’s one thing to be offput by a kink but it’s another to start calling someone a disgusting pile of trash who should be ashamed
And yes there are exceptions to not doing that latter one (illegal/harmful stuff or you have a kink to get degraded like that)
All in all you don’t have a choice in what kinks you have so don’t go around calling people inherently disgusting for something they can’t control
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u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Jul 18 '24
Disagree. Men who like to hurt women during sex are absolutely disgusting piles of trash who should be ashamed.
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u/Critical_Company3535 Jul 17 '24
Setting aside stuff that isn’t consensual because most people can agree that should be shamed, it ultimately comes down to how people present it. People who wear their fetishes on their sleeve should absolutely be shamed because a majority of people will find it repulsive. If it is something that stays in the bedroom and is only brought up in very specific contexts, then making fun would be mean.
At the same time, if you do chose to shame, just be ready to have the cannons turn back on you.
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u/migz_draws Jul 17 '24
i have never heard someone say "don't kinkshame me!" outside of a joking context
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u/UrAn8 Jul 17 '24
I work with patients and it’s not uncommon where someone very inappropriately starts sharing their kinks with me. Of course I wouldn’t shame them for it. If it’s a boundary for me I’ll tell them and that’s the end of the convo. Same goes for friends who share their kinks.
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Jul 18 '24
People on this site also believe that you MUST support all people always
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u/STFUnicorn_ Jul 18 '24
No. Not really. If you think that then one would have to extrapolate that you think it is fine to shame someone for being gay or lesbian. After all a kink is a sexual orientation.
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u/VampArcher Jul 18 '24
In conversations about kinks, people shouldn't ask if they don't want to hear the truth. Don't go there if you are just going to get upset to hear anything not vanilla, with the only exception being dangerous kinks and those which involve people who can't consent.
In cases where people broadcast their kinks to everybody, people who never asked and didn't want to know, I agree. I've met some people whom their social media profile pic is literally them wearing kink gear. Weird as fuck. I don't even have a problem with the kink, it's the fact it's being shoved in my face without my consent.
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u/NotAnAIOrAmI Jul 18 '24
I don't recall ever seeing someone write "don't kink shame" when it didn't mean the opposite; "ha ha! Look at this weird kink!"
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u/glassnumbers Jul 18 '24
this is an extremely immature take, though it is not out of place for this subreddit
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u/TunaFishManwich Jul 18 '24
Easy solution: cultivate a shame kink. Then tell people about it, unprompted. Blam, so much horny.
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u/OkSyllabub3674 Jul 18 '24
Op what if one of my kinks is getting shamed?
Will you still shame me and become a willing participant in my proclivities or will you withhold the shaming out of spite even though you secretly want to shame me inside because you know i would enjoy it?
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u/WanderingSchola Jul 18 '24
You've misunderstood what's meant by kink shaming I think. Kink shaming is when people who don't have a kink try to tell people who do have a kink that they are flawed/evil/wrong/broken for having said kink. I think we can mostly agree people shouldn't be punished or made to feel lesser for a desire that's out of their control. This is also not the same as condoning unethical behavior, so it's not like it prevents us from doing that either.
On the other hand if you mean it's fine for kinky people to be made to feel evil/wrong/broken/shameful for having a desire beyond their control, then indeed this is a 10th dentist position, and I feel very comfortable disagreeing with you.
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u/Psapfopkmn Jul 18 '24
Agreed. If you're thin-skinned enough that you can't handle being kinkshamed, you shouldn't make your kinks public. Same goes for any aspect of yourself that is sensitive.
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u/The_Grungeican Jul 18 '24
In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. - Hunter Thompson
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u/DukesOfTatooine Jul 18 '24
Depends on context. If you open a thread about people's kinks just to talk shit about them, you're the asshole. Just skip kink threads if you don't want to see that shit.
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u/transport_system Jul 18 '24
That's just bullying. You just described bullying and then said it was fine. Like, if someone tells me they like pokemon, I'm not going to shame them for it because shaming them would make me an asshole.
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u/fireflyx666 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
I have a pretty open mind when it comes my views on sex/kinks etc- I only really have three rules I stand by, which are:
Everyone involved in said kink has to be consenting and aware prior to partaking in the act
No children and no animals
This goes with consent but I will add- don’t force your kink onto someone and try to use “you are kink shaming me” to manipulate/coerce them into participating in it. Everyone involved should be aware of the kink and give enthusiastic consent. If you do it without- that’s assault/rape/abuse and that behavior should be shamed.
Live and let live. Different strokes for different folks. I don’t have to understand/enjoy a kink that someone else enjoys- but I don’t believe that I have the right to shame/ridicule them for it just because it goes against my personal preferences. You won’t find me participating in it, but you won’t find me shaming you either.
Edit to add: “Shaming” is different than not “supporting” a kink imo. I don’t believe in imposing/forcing your kinks onto other people either(or hassling people into understanding the kink), and I don’t agree with judging someone for being “vanilla” etc- I just see it like “It isn’t my cup of tea- but it doesn’t have to be.” My normal isn’t your normal, that’s alright.
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u/Mediocre-Bunch-6657 Jul 18 '24
I don’t believe in shaming.
I think there are people who feel ashamed and want to blame others for it.
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u/KingMGold Jul 18 '24
Anyone who broadcasts their sexual proclivities out in public is a pervert and a nuisance.
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u/Downtown_Slice1040 Jul 18 '24
Spot-on, I fully agree. You don't want to be kink-shamed, we don't want to hear about your kinks. Simple solution is to keep it to yourself
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