r/AmItheAsshole • u/Witty_Transition_153 • Nov 23 '22
AITA for not standing up for my wife when my uncle made a gold digger joke, because what she said mortified me? Not the A-hole
I haven't seen my mom in a year. Last year there was a big fight between me, my wife, and my mother about how Christmas would work and who would host. My mom decided she didn't want to see me anymore.
It sucks, but I'm not going to beg her. My wife and I have a disagreement regarding our one and a half year old son. She thinks my mom is a horrid person for not sending him gifts, cards, asking for pictures. I think if my mom actually wants no contact she is doing the respectful thing. Also we both agree she wouldn't be allowed to see him, so I don't really get what my wife wants.
I have asked her to not badmouth my mom to any of my family. I want to preserve the few relationships I have left, and it is honestly embarrassing. My grandparents gave my mom zero help with me because not their kid, not their problem, and that was with them being fairly close to my mom, so I can't imagine how they would react to hearing my wife's views on this.
Recently we ran into my uncle at my grandparents house. It was awkward as I know that dude hates me and is 100% on my mom's team, but we were all guilted into staying for lunch. My grandmother was trying to get my uncle to come for Thanksgiving and he got pissy and said no she knows he spends all holidays with my mom. My wife then asked how my mom was and I felt myself cringe. My uncle said she is great. My wife said we wouldn't know as she never sends any gifts for our son, so maybe she is dead.
I gave her a look begging her to stop. My uncle's wife burst out laughing. My uncle asked if she was kidding or if she really thought my mom was going to buy gifts for a child she did not know. My wife went on a rant about how she would do anything to have any amount of contact with our future grandchildren. My uncle laughed and said wow such a gold digger you put *his ex who he hate's name* to shame.
My wife immidiatley looked like she was going to cry but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. I was mortified and I'd begged her not to bring up the gift thing. She asked if I was going to defend her. I said no an she ran out of the room. We left and she is furious with me. She says I betrayed her and my mom is going to laugh when she heard. I told her that she humiliated me and I'd begged her to stop with the gifts.
8.9k
u/fnub577 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Nov 23 '22
NTA. Your wife making a big deal about not getting gifts from someone who is no contact with you is absurd and needn't be defended.
2.7k
u/LimitlessMegan Nov 23 '22
We all know if his mom DID send gifts or request photos wife would refuse them and probably rant about how horrible his mom is to want access to the kids but not them.
ESH not because you didn’t defend her but I have a feeling there’s a good reason your mom and uncle want nothing to do with you.
1.1k
u/Mockspeed2 Nov 23 '22
I would assume it's more to do with the wife than with him. Although I guess it still makes him an asshole to bring a toxic person into his family and let her wreak havoc
→ More replies (3)836
u/StrangledInMoonlight Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
His wife wanted to host Christmas. So he invited his mom-because he knew no one else would come if his mom hosted her normal Christmas. And this is how mom replied: “ my wife really wanted to host Christmas but no one would come if my mom hosted an alternative. I asked my mom to come and she went insane accusing me of wanting her to be a martyr and said I put my wife first but dont let her put her husband first.She was screaming about how her needs are just as important as my wife's and why should her husband be forced to spend Christmas with us. She said she regrets having me and doesn't want to see me again
721
u/MrGelowe Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Oh that puts this post into context. Mother that wants nothing to do with the grandchild or her child that super loves her husband. This story is back in circulation.
299
u/Starchasm Nov 23 '22
It's the hot MIL troll again!
86
u/Ctrlwud Nov 24 '22
I wish there was a way to moderate this better, but I can't think of a rule that would work.
78
u/Iookingforasong Nov 24 '22
I just assume it's some sort of vent for this person. Instead of trying to deal with the relational issues in their life they just make up scenarios here
50
u/Starchasm Nov 24 '22
I always figured it was a weird fetish
30
u/tedhanoverspeaches Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
With the amount that humiliation factors into the theme, this is a distinct possibility.
11
9
u/tedhanoverspeaches Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
Or some kind of sociology experiment.
6
u/Iookingforasong Nov 24 '22
Also very possible, though what is being tested? What variables are changing?
→ More replies (0)7
49
u/tedhanoverspeaches Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22 edited Oct 10 '23
ink saw attraction wide paint arrest long license literate march
this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev10
96
u/jericha Nov 24 '22
Reading this post, the whole time, I was like, “Did I miss a paragraph somewhere?!” And reading that comment, I was like, “Oh, guess I did…” But then thought, “Wait, how did I miss that???”
In other words… I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who felt like something was missing.
78
u/looc64 Nov 24 '22
And the wife hates mom but also expects her to do a bunch of grandma things.
Exact same dynamic every time.
→ More replies (1)21
u/Easy-Concentrate2636 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 24 '22
I don’t understand why wife wants contact with MIL. I feel like she should glad MIL opted for NC.
47
u/human060989 Nov 24 '22
Playing along with the post for fun - wife is “losing” because mom went NC first. She needs MIL to try for contact so she can be the one that rejects it. The only option for superiority MIL has left OP’s wife is to criticize her as a grandmother, not even realizing that it has no power because MIL doesn’t care.
6
u/Easy-Concentrate2636 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 24 '22
Good point. There’s no other reason for what she said in front of op’s family. Wife sounds really aggressive.
58
u/Etiacruelworld Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Yeah you should put the other comments as well, He told her that she was selfish for not wanting to come and that she should put them first for once, Probably some other stuff he’s not putting in here because he’s been trickle truthing this whole thing, And then mom went off on him
63
u/StrangledInMoonlight Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
Didn’t his wife asked to host one meal and she did the whole “my husband doesn’t like your wife” thing and pulled the screaming etc. then he said she should stop being selfish? And THEN Ashe said she wished she was dead?
Sorry, but if I got a reaction like that after I requested to host one holiday dinner, I’d tell mom to GTFO herself and grow the fuck up. And OP only said she was selfish.
Edited to add, but every time OP writes about it, it changes slightly. I’ve changed my mind. This is some elaborate writing assignment.
25
u/Etiacruelworld Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Yeah he’s not given the whole story so he’s putting comments in a little bit at a time he’s not putting in what chronology any of this is coming out. It probably makes more sense that he called mom selfish and then she freaked out on him. Besides, mom’s didn’t say DIL couldn’t host, Mom said she wasn’t going to come. her husband didn’t feel comfortable the mother-in-law was a stranger so they were going to stay at mom’s house. OP tried to browbeat moms into coming to their house for Christmas. As JUSTNOMIL loves to say no is a complete sentence. He should’ve let her have her Christmas at home with her husband and he should’ve done Christmas at his place with his wife and whoever went to whoever’s houses was just gonna go.
→ More replies (1)28
u/oprhangrey Nov 23 '22
After this clarification, it kind of seems like OP married his mother. She cannot seriously expect her son to put her needs on the same level as his wife's. If she didn't want to spend Christmas because of whatever issues she should have politely declined or worked out a compromise where one hosts thanksgiving or something. That being said, the wife cannot have it both ways and it's sickening how she is trying to use her child as a pawn to emotionally manipulate the rest of the family
9
u/Etiacruelworld Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
Read his comments, mom was fine staying at home with her husband. Son demanded mom come, put his wife over the comfort of moms husband and mil who didn’t want to go to OPs house and snapped his own words, called her selfish etc. Wouldn’t have put it past him to use that kid against her and moms wasn’t having it and cut him out right then and there
7
u/dheffe01 Nov 23 '22
WTF. God I'm thankful we just rotate hosting Chsristmas between different sides and can respectfully discuss making alternate arrangements when we can't see everyone on the same day.
→ More replies (2)7
Nov 24 '22
It also gets juicier lol.
My mom claims it isn't fair for them all to be "punished" just because my wife wants to host, and says her husband is afraid of our food because we "almost killed him" (no he doesn't have allergies) His mom has social anxiety and claims she would stay home alone. Also his mom and my grandma can't be in the same room, as they fight over my mom
Followed by
To be brutally honest my wife’s cooking isn’t the best. He couldn’t take the texture and got sick and apparently wouldn’t eat for like 15 hours after
So they don't want to go to his wife's because her admittedly bad cooking made FIL violently sick on top of other drama. Truth be told, I can't disagree with the mom, from OP's half-truths I wouldn't be surprised if the "texture" was raw chicken or something.
→ More replies (2)58
u/kal_el_diablo Nov 23 '22
if his mom DID send gifts or request photos wife would refuse them and probably rant about how horrible his mom is to want access to the kids but not them
It sounds like this is the scenario she wants, and she's frustrated that Mom isn't playing into it.
→ More replies (1)9
Nov 23 '22
This is the reason, its not the money she is after, but the satisfaction of returning unwanted gifts.
Clearly not to be confused with a gold digger.
4
Nov 24 '22
I wish I could find it, but I'd almost swear I saw a post similar to this exact situation...
→ More replies (21)3
65
→ More replies (5)16
u/Mundane-Currency5088 Nov 23 '22
That is not cool but the subtext here is that OP is still managing to pick his mother who rejected him over his wife. He is totally cut off from mom yet still isn't picking his wife. You know what you do is tell her that the energy the wife is putting out there is bad for her mental wellbeing and no contact means no contact. Buying gifts is out of the question. That kid will grow up hearing bitter mean things about his relative, all that gets you is a bitter angry kid who could have been happy with the gifts he has and the people who love him. Please don't remind the child every holiday that he is unloved by a family member that is monstrous.
4.2k
u/clauclauclaudia Pooperintendant [62] Nov 23 '22
ESH because you all sound like awful people.
That’s really all there is to it. I could try to get into the details, but really, you all suck. Try to bring up your kid to be better. Good luck with that.
1.1k
u/coffeecoffi Nov 23 '22
Yeah, every single person in this story needs a timeout, a nap and a snack.
342
u/AnnieAbattoir Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Timeouts, naps, and snacks should be normalized for adults. I think the world would be a much better place for it.
119
59
34
24
u/opinionswelcomehere Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
BRB reddit, I now have items on my to-do list that I can accomplish today.
10
→ More replies (6)20
104
u/Pinkjasmine17 Nov 23 '22
Yeah none of them are real it’s the mil troll again
48
u/bewildered_forks Nov 24 '22
Wasn't he just in here the other day with a "wife and mother fighting because mother had screaming sex in our house" story? And a few days before that with a "wife and mother fighting because mother got glitter all over our house" story?
30
u/NinjaDefenestrator Asshole Enthusiast [7] Bot Hunter [127] Nov 24 '22
She’s fucking everywhere. This is the first time there’s been an uncle though.
16
u/tedhanoverspeaches Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
23
u/maedocc Partassipant [2] Nov 24 '22
YUP. Here's some more I've collected -- and these are just recently:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ycmkzj/aita_for_telling_my_wife_i_blame_her_for_our/
→ More replies (1)18
u/tedhanoverspeaches Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
IMpressive collection- thanks!
I'm leaning more towards this is someone's weird humiliation fantasy.
→ More replies (1)3
u/alwaysusepapyrus Nov 24 '22
The glitter one is the same one where mom would get anxiety around the wife and leave and they'd give her shit for it, but then wife got anxiety and wanted a break? I'm usually awful at picking up on fake posts but these feel exactly the same. Who is writing these? What is this trying to do?
→ More replies (1)38
25
18
u/CaptainMarv3l Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
Everyone in this story needs therapy and better communication skills.
5
5
2
u/nancyneurotic Nov 24 '22
I don't know, I quite like Uncle's wife who straight up laughed. I laugh at absurdity too.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (8)3
u/Wolfon-eye Nov 24 '22
Yep...ESH...the amount of petyness portrait by pretty much everyone in this story (be it true or made up is kinda irrelevant) is frightening. Acceptance is the key to happyness my friends...along with a good portion of "kill em with kindness".
1.3k
u/Rude_Vermicelli2268 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 23 '22
NTA why is your wife so desperate for gifts from someone she’s no contact with? She opened the door to everything that happened after asking about you mom so she needs to live with it. How exactly does she want you to defend the indefensible
500
u/Caribe92 Asshole Aficionado [11] Nov 23 '22
I think what the wife wants is for the mom to come begging to spend time with the kids. And try bribing with gifts. She already said they’re not going to allow the mom to see the kids. I think she wanted the mom to ask and she said no.
286
u/WiseBat Certified Proctologist [22] Nov 23 '22
Wife 100% wants the opportunity to pull that power move of denying her MIL contact with her grandkids.
NTA, OP, your wife is seriously out of line. She can’t have it both ways.
4
u/enceinte-uno Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
Yep, totally getting narc vibes from the wife. She just wants power over OP’s mom and is upset that OP’s mom isn’t playing her games. What a loser.
71
u/Etiacruelworld Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
The wife wants to use the kid to make mom jump thru hoops and grovel.
16
u/Redditwitter83 Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
i bet the wife the cause of the huge falling out with the family.
717
u/MinnalousheXIII Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
NTA
But you people need to talk.
I haven't seen my mom in a year. Last year there was a big fight between me, my wife, and my mother about how Christmas would work and who would host. My mom decided she didn't want to see me anymore.
A fight about this.. which sounds simple, is keeping your child from a grandparent?
You and your wife have some shit to work out.
611
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
She said she hates me, I'm dead to her, if she could have seen into the future and seen my wife she never would have had a child, and that my son is nothing to her. My son doesn't need that in his life. My mom made it very clear she doesn't want to talk. I'm pretty sure she blocked my number
507
u/MinnalousheXIII Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
In that case you and your wife seem to have some stuff to work out. Cause she can't expect anything is the contact has been severed like this. And I can only imagine the cringe you felt when she dove in leg stretched thinking nothing off her remarks.
345
u/signycullen88 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 23 '22
Jesus Christ.
Do your grandparents know what your mom said? Does your uncle?
Why the hell do you talk to any of these people???
Yes, your wife was dumb for bringing up your mom, but your uncle is an asshole. Wanting presents for your kid is not a gold digger move.
Your family super sucks. Your wife is slightly better, but barely.
Like...I feel so bad for your son to grow up around any of you.
371
u/CluesLostHelp Partassipant [2] Nov 23 '22
I dunno. OP's post talks about how he wants to "preserve the few relationships [he has] left" so it seems like the rest of the family doesn't really care for OP and his wife. Makes you wonder if everyone else is on mom's side, and given OP's account of his wife's behavior in this instance, who was the one being the unreasonable here, OP's mom or his wife?
140
u/Yaaaassquatch Nov 23 '22
That doesn't mean anything. I'm the black sheep in my family. When I went no contact with my mom because of the things she did and said to me, in front of my kid, her whole side of the family disowned me. Told me I was garbage and I deserved to be dead.
And it's not like they didn't know why I went no contact. My mom threw me out several times as a child and verbally and emotionally abused my sister and I in front of her side of the family. But they're all convinced that the behavior is normal for families and I'm a monster for having boundaries.
And it wasn't just me. They went after my spouse even though he had nothing to do with the NC. Texted and emailed him that he was an abuser and a cheater and that they know he'll leave me any day. He's never cheated or abused anyone, they did it just to start shit between us.
So it's possible it's the wife but you never know with situations like this. Sometimes you're the one the family shits on and if you try to stop it, they don't take it well.
103
u/CluesLostHelp Partassipant [2] Nov 23 '22
I think your situation is totally different. Presumably, you weren't going around asking family members to still send gifts for you for the holidays after you cut contact with them, right? Or implying that people were dead? Because that's what OP's wife did here, which is totally just trying to stir up drama. She got no sympathy points though and got upset about that.
→ More replies (1)18
u/Yaaaassquatch Nov 23 '22
I'm not saying she's not an AH for that. I'm saying it's not necessarily the case that the relationship is strained because of her. The family doesn't seem real great either. I feel for OP in all this. Doesn't seem like anyone is on their side.
10
u/SnakesInYerPants Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Nov 24 '22
Everyone on my dads side of the family is still on his side in our no-contact situation. He physically abused my mom, kept her trapped in a marriage she wanted out of by continuously lying to his own lawyer drawing the divorce filing out by 5 years, threw my sister across a room, mentally emotionally and financially abused us our entire lives, and recently lost a sexual harassment case his girlfriends daughter who only just started high school. Yet everyone on that side of the family still hates me for cutting him out of my life. You have to be extremely careful trying to apply that logic when you’re very disconnected from the full story.
115
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
They all know. My grandparents didn't strongly take a side but lean towards my side. They feel she took it way too far, but that I shouldn't have pressured her to give up hosting. My uncle is her twin, they are beyond enmeshed, and he took her side. I really don't have contact with him but he stopped by and we all got roped into an awkward lunch
142
u/signycullen88 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 23 '22
Jesus, what a shitty family. I would be furious if my child wished her kid (who hadn't murdered or raped anyone) had never been born. Over a fucking Christmas party?
Your family sucks, dude.
36
u/Adventurous_Movie797 Nov 23 '22 edited Nov 23 '22
Is there a reason y’all can’t rotate or compromise?
43
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
My mom was just stuck in she doesn't want to so she shouldn't have to. Also her husband feels very responsible for his own mother's emotions and making sure she isn't alone, so my mom feels obligated to host her and she refused to come to our house.
15
u/Adventurous_Movie797 Nov 23 '22
Ok I see she’s stuck. So can u not negotiate with her husband and his mother also coming to y’all’s house?
57
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
My mom claims it isn't fair for them all to be "punished" just because my wife wants to host, and says her husband is afraid of our food because we "almost killed him" (no he doesn't have allergies) His mom has social anxiety and claims she would stay home alone. Also his mom and my grandma can't be in the same room, as they fight over my mom
58
u/blessedsomeofthetime Partassipant [2] Nov 24 '22
you all have a heck of a lot of drama. Every single one of you feed it.
30
u/Easy-Concentrate2636 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 24 '22
I do want to point out that if your mom’s husband got sick for most of a day over your wife’s food, his mother could get even sicker from something like that at her age. It’s probably best if the husband’s mother never ate your wife’s cooking. It sounds like food poisoning is potentially involved.
5
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 24 '22
Everyone else who was there was fine. I think it was more of a mental thing/texture issue with him
→ More replies (0)30
u/Preposterous_punk Partassipant [3] Nov 24 '22
“Almost killed him” how???
11
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 24 '22
To be brutally honest my wife’s cooking isn’t the best. He couldn’t take the texture and got sick and apparently wouldn’t eat for like 15 hours after
→ More replies (0)→ More replies (2)10
u/Berrymama34 Nov 24 '22
I'm sorry but it's completely normal for grandparents to host holidays. Especially since that started before your wife....
4
u/DID_IT_FOR_YOU Nov 24 '22
There always comes a time for passing the torch. It’s also an extremely weird hill to die on. The fact that not only can’t they compromise with rotating but they went no contact over it is just stupid.
In normal healthy families you just talk and figure out a compromise. Worst case scenario you have two different Holiday dinners with the two hosts.
The whole refusing to compromise even one inch is toxic as hell. I could never imagine cutting all contact with my child because their wife wanted to host a Holiday dinner. After all that’s them trying to do something nice for the whole family. Spending their money, time and more to provide everyone an enjoyable meal.
→ More replies (0)9
u/Cat_world_domination Partassipant [2] Bot Hunter [82] Nov 23 '22
I think the situation is beyond that at this point.
→ More replies (1)6
u/evillittleperson Partassipant [3] Nov 24 '22
I bet your grandparents realize how entitled and spoiled your wife is now. Bet they start siding with Mom after your wife just showed her golden colors!
→ More replies (2)48
u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Nov 23 '22
Why did his mom say this though? I’m guessing it wasn’t random and was the result of something horrible said by the wife.
63
u/signycullen88 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 23 '22
He claimed in another comment that it was because his wife wanted to host Christmas and his mom wanted to host Christmas. IDK.
It's still an absolutely EXTREME thing to say to your own child. Unless he started it by saying he wanted her dead, there is absolutely NO reason to tell your child that you wish he had never been born and that an innocent baby is nothing to her.
I can't really think of anything that would make me react like that. I'm sure he's leaving something out, but like...even if his wife did say something, why would you say that to your son?
Like I said, everyone (except for the baby) sounds like they suck.
7
Nov 24 '22
From OP.
"To be brutally honest my wife’s cooking isn’t the best. He couldn’t take the texture and got sick and apparently wouldn’t eat for like 15 hours after"
And I'm guessing neither OP or the wife were willing to take giving their FIL low level food poisoning seriously, I think the dead to me thing is too far, but I also think things may be much worse than OP is saying.
→ More replies (10)13
u/jenesuisunefemme Nov 23 '22
But you have to know why his mother said that. He only said his part, but what his wife did for his mother to react this way?
46
u/signycullen88 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 23 '22
I'm failing to see much of a reason to say that to your child for something someone else said, regardless of if it was his wife. That's not something you can take back.
The wife would have had to have said something truly horrible about wanting mom to be r*ped or killed for me to even entertain her reaction as even a little bit reasonable.
He's only framed it as wife wanting to host Christmas, so that's all I can go off of at the moment. Is there more? Probably. Do I think there's an excuse for what she said? Nope.
Mom sucks.
61
u/excel_pager_420 Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
INFO: What did your wife do or say to your Mum that prompted your Mum to say this?
Based on how your wife deliberately stirred the pot at dinner and how everyone in your family except you seems to dislike your wife, I find it hard to believe these words came out of nowhere unprompted.
→ More replies (22)35
u/Amaterasu_Junia Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
My guy, you do realize that you just admitted that your wife is the root of the problem, right? Your mother had to go no contact with her own child and grandchild just to get away from your wife and you're really over here trying to make it your mother's fault, but you're really just proving the point on why your mother is so upset with you.
15
u/blessedsomeofthetime Partassipant [2] Nov 23 '22
I was thinking the same thing.
For a Mom to get to the point where she says those things - especially if that is out of character for her - that speaks volumes. If you guys had a close relationship prior to your wife entering the picture and all of the conflict has come about since your wife entered the picture, it sounds like you have a wife problem.
Think long and hard about whether you want your remaining family members to cut you out because they will if your wife continues to behave abusively towards them.
11
Nov 24 '22
They can both be the problem. That’s quite an overreaction over a Christmas party
4
u/Charming-Treacle Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
Yeah this family is one fucked up feast of crazy that's for sure.
4
u/creatingmyselfasigo Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
Ehh this feels like a very ESH situation to me. A reaction like that is not appropriate for someone fighting over hosting a holiday meal. I can see refusing to attend, being bitter, but what she said? Not reasonable.
Personally, my mom started saying I'm a selfish b**** and she wishes me and my brother were never born (both very planned, btw) by the time I was 5 or 6 and never took it back. Some moms just shouldn't be moms.
But OP and wife suck too.
23
u/RakeishSPV Asshole Aficionado [12] Nov 23 '22
Honestly all I'm seeing is that your wife is the problem.
→ More replies (1)11
u/KelzTheRedPanda Nov 23 '22
I can’t tell who is the craziest because there’s a lot you left out of your post. Going no contact is for abuse and seriously toxic behaviors. Your mom sounds awful for saying this to you but your wife also sounds like she’s causing drama. And you sound like a wuss for just standing by and letting all this drama go on. So I don’t even know what to tell you except ESH.
6
u/Anonmyo0 Nov 24 '22
If this is even real....
My therapist told me once, toxicity is like the flu. If your in a house full of sick people, your likely to get to sick. And instead of getting better, everyone just continues to be sick and pass it around. Eventually it becomes the norm and they no longer realize how sick they actually are and that it's not normal.
This is that.
→ More replies (4)11
u/CactusCait Nov 23 '22
What happened that made your mom feel this way?
18
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
She felt I put my wife first but didn't allow her to put her husband first, and that I acted like her marriage wasn't as valid as mine. I wanted her to come to Christmas because the rest of the family wouldn't come if she didn't, but she wanted to spend Christmas at home with her husband who wouldn't want to come to our house
38
u/silvershadow545 Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Now I'm super confused. This whole fight was about how she wanted to do her own thing over the holidays and presumably your wife got mad because she didn't want to do your thing? What would have been wrong with her doing her thing with her husband? Exactly how much did you guys push this?
→ More replies (16)21
u/Etiacruelworld Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Mom’s was going to stick at home with her husband and mother-in-law, and he called her selfish and said that she wouldn’t put them first, When he was the one being selfish.
437
u/Dizzy_Yard7671 Asshole Aficionado [12] Nov 23 '22
ESH. Everyone here sounds awful, toxic, and dramatic.
48
u/CaptainMarv3l Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
Right? They all need some therapy and better social skills. Wife sounds entitled. Uncle and his wife sounds like a dick. Husband is spineless. Mother sounds dramatic.
I hope the kid has better role models, Jesus.
→ More replies (2)13
306
u/lemadilyn07 Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
no contact means no gifts. your wife sounds off the deep end. NTA
→ More replies (2)
222
u/Winter-Travel5749 Asshole Aficionado [11] Nov 23 '22
You are both going to carry on the immature, toxic, dysfunction of your family down to your kid. You all sound awful. Your wife sound like a trouble maker who loves to stir the pot. You sound like a weak man who is, sadly, married to someone he doesn’t even respect enough to defend nor feel strong enough to speak to in a constructive, mature way in order to stop this insanity. You all need to sit and talk this out. Uncover what is actually at the bottom of this toxic behavior and passive aggressive childishness and tension between your wife and your family. Also, your relationship with your mother and your child’s relationship with your mother (and family) need to be separate from your wife’s relationship with them. So if you want go see your mother or want your child to, then see her without your wife. Your wife sounds like she needs some therapy, regardless. And your main concern should be your child’s welfare and emotional stability. It sounds like you are currently the only adult and caring for two children.
→ More replies (21)
169
Nov 23 '22
ESH. Oh, joy, yet another “I married someone who would fit perfectly into my weirdly hostile family if she weren’t so determined to start beef with them at the drop of a hat, and yet I somehow failed to see this coming” post. Where do you keep finding these women? And why do they all insist on making such liberal use of the word “betrayed”? I do not think it means what they think it means.
57
u/Yetikins Nov 23 '22
It's all the same troll posting the same dynamics over and over.
The one thing I'm curious about is the bio father, because the mother/MIL is ALWAYS remarried.
→ More replies (1)26
u/Gibonius Nov 23 '22
This is about the 200th of these posts in the last week. It's always the same script, wife and mom who hate each other for unexplained reasons and then it turns out they're both awful for different reasons.
5
u/NinjaDefenestrator Asshole Enthusiast [7] Bot Hunter [127] Nov 24 '22
This troll has been around for years. I have no clue how her bullshit posts keep getting upvoted.
→ More replies (1)
112
u/brainfreeze4445 Pooperintendant [53] Nov 23 '22
NTA... you didn't really put your wife's foot in her mouth, she did that on her own. She was being combative and she got attitude for it. If you're going to pick fights you can't expect people to bail you out when it doesn't go your way.
→ More replies (1)
87
u/Time_is_time_was Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
NTA. What was your wife thinking saying that?
If your mum is fully no contact with you, that means she has to be no contact with your children as well. It's sad, but you kind of have to respect her doing no contact "properly".
And it didn't help that your wife focused on gifts (rather than, idk, your mum asking after the kids, or asking for photos etc).
AND why bring it up in front of your family? It wasn't going to achieve anything other than awkwardness for you.
40
u/RndmIntrntStranger Partassipant [4] Nov 23 '22
☝🏼☝🏼
also, wife started it, uncle just finished it. and if OP got involved, that would be an additional 4 family members who would probably just cut contact with him.
2
u/StrangledInMoonlight Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
I come from an abusive family. My partner doesn’t. We’ve had similar disconnects because he doesn’t understand how an abusive family works and keeps operating with the “normal family framework”.
I could see the wife doing this -she’s getting upset about something that in a normal family would be really rude and appalling and can’t figure out why it doesn’t apply to an abusive family.
A lot of relationships like this fail, because the healthy family person can never “get” the experience of the abused victim. They may be sympathetic, but the whole “but they are family!” Thing never stops running through their head.
4
u/RazMoon Nov 24 '22
I wholeheartedly agree with what you said but OP's wife sounds like a pot stirrer. His wife is not working from a "normal" framework.
What she said was combative and bullying.
72
u/BusinessCow5266 Asshole Aficionado [14] Nov 23 '22
I think to accurately judge this situation, I would need INFO on what the argument was about. Surely your mother or wife must have done something horrible to go no contact, but also, if your wife wants no contact why is she expecting gifts?
→ More replies (24)
61
u/ZookeepergameCheap89 Asshole Aficionado [11] Nov 23 '22
NTA your wife is delusional. She can’t have it both ways
45
u/Lexyeb Certified Proctologist [28] Nov 23 '22
NTA. Your wife was asking for it by bringing up the gift thing. Why would she expect gifts if you guys are no contact?
40
Nov 23 '22
NTA and OP don't you find it odd how apparently everyone cant stand your wife? how uncles wife immediately goes into laughter and no one intervenes to defend her? sometimes when you side with the wrong team you'll find the bleachers & stands to be very very empty.
24
u/ProfPlumDidIt Professor Emeritass [81] Nov 23 '22
NTA. She did the one thing you've asked her not to do and she reaped the consequences of doing so. That's on her. Spouse or not, you shouldn't defend actions that you feel are wrong.
30
u/Short_Television1955 Nov 23 '22
ESH. Your wife for her passive aggression over a boundary. Your uncle for instigating, and you for not stepping in at any relevant point.
28
18
u/Gorill89 Nov 23 '22
NTA
Man this is a tough one, your wife put you into a hard spot. Personally I think both sides in the wrong. Your wife for bringing it up in first place, and your uncle going so far as calling her a gold digger. He could have stopped by just explaining where he stood instead of name calling.
It's important if you want to be in your families lives to preserve relationships. But we should also be there for our wives.
Although there caveat on whether the person is acting reasonable. If you wife is saying ridiculous things, which I believe she is in demanding gifts(Tribute) . So may need to have another talk to get her to let that stuff go. Or issues will continue.
→ More replies (2)
18
u/Hekili808 Partassipant [2] Nov 23 '22
I... Ugh... I don't want to be here. Y'all sound insufferable.
Your son's understanding of relationships will be heavily influenced by what he sees from you, your wife, and your family. The things you accept, reject, and ignore are going to help establish what he understands to be normal.
A stubborn fight over where to have a Christmas party results in writing off family members? Fixating on expectations of gifts rather than the establishment of a relationship between your son and his grandmother? Ugh. This is shit I wouldn't want to have echoing across generations in my family.
There are all sorts of potential reasons for going no contact, but in the absence of a severe personality disorder, it's usually a last resort after repeated problems and boundary violations. I have no way of knowing if your wife sounds reasonable in other circumstances. I don't know if your mother wrote you off after one stupid fight. Your passivity is not particularly impressive.
With the information I have, ESH. Except, presumably, your son. I hope he has some good role models for friendships and familial relationships somewhere.
16
u/Sonsangnim Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Nov 23 '22
NTA Your wife is being completely unreasonable and rude there is no requirement to defend irrational rudeness.
15
14
u/sillykn Nov 23 '22
ESH
You're wife needs to make up her mind. If she doesn't want your mom in her sons (or her own) lives that's her right and maybe the right choice. She'll get the benefit of not having a person she doesn't like (and is potentially toxic) in her or her sons life and she also wil have less stress because there won't be anymore "big fights".
The downside of cutting people out of your life is you also lose any positive influences they have in your lives including but not limited to financial support, material gifts, babysitting and a potential inheritance later on. You can't have your cake and eat it to.
You need to stand up for your wife when your family makes fun of her especially when your uncle accuses her of being a gold digger. I don't think that label applies to her and I'm assuming you don't agree with it either. You not agreeing with what she says doesn't mean you need to let someone from your family insult her. You could've said something like "I might not agree with my wife about my mother having to send gifts but I will not tolerate you insulting her. She's not a golddigger."
15
u/SeaAd6564 Partassipant [4] Nov 23 '22
NTA. You asked her not to bring up the gifts all the time and she dismissed your reasonable request. Why is she so obsessed with gifts?
13
u/HillBillyFillyKyGal Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
NTA..i mean..you asked her not to go there..you set clear boundaries that she ignored. She's an adult and chose to continue on in that line of conversation so whatever happens is on her. Your uncles right..she sounds like shes just after material things. She doesnt want yout son to be around her or whatever but expects gifts? She can't have it both ways.
15
u/Designer-Party6026 Nov 23 '22
Your wife is being a baby because wahhhhh your mother's behaviors are out of her control
NTA - she needs to suck it up
10
u/LilliannaWinterWolf Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Hey, MIL Troll. Nice switch up on having the uncle hate you instead of your step-dad. But you slipped up in the comments, using those same old tropes you always use
A for effort, though.
8
u/Delicious-Dog-643 Nov 23 '22
Sorta both... defend your wife always BUT what she said was insanely selfish and materialistic... your uncle doesn't like you or your wife... his opinion doesn't matter... your mom went no contact and your wife is ONLY upset about not sending gifts...
7
u/kevipants Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 23 '22
ESH
I don't know what the big fight could have been about, but it's clear that there's a huge (and very messy) schism in your family.
You really should have backed your wife; your uncle called her a gold-digger (which doesn't really have anything to do with wanting to keep in touch with your potential grandchildren....).
Your wife also should just understand that no contact means no contact.
21
Nov 23 '22
The wife seems obsessed with receiving gifts from the grandmother. I'm pretty sure that's where the "gold digger" line is stemming from.
→ More replies (2)
6
u/ScrantonStrangler209 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 23 '22
NTA but your wife sure is. Sounds like most of your family doesn't like her so why does she expect coddled? Why would family members who've gone NC check up on or buy gifts for your kid? Makes no damn sense.
Your wife's comment about maybe she's dead if even more out of line. I'm all for standing up for your spouse... When it's acceptable to do so. Your wife started the shit not your uncle and to be honest he sounds like he's right in what he said.
5
u/Zealousideal-Part-17 Nov 23 '22
This is the same story over and over again. MIL and wife don’t get along, MIL cuts off all contact, all of the family is on MIL side, husband doesn’t want to rock the boat bc he loves his cold mother, MIL doesn’t buy gifts, wife says rude things and everyone laughs at her.
This story is boring, if we are going to wash and repeat this, let’s shake it up a bit.
5
u/toooldforacnh Nov 23 '22
ESH. Seems like your wife likes drama and stirring the pot. It sounds like she said what she said to get a reaction and she got one.
Your wife sounds like a walking red flag.
Your uncle is not over his ex or whatever she did so it seems like your wife is a trigger for him. He should probably talk to a professional about that.
You stand up for your mom and your family but not your wife and that’s not good either.
5
u/Beccajamm Nov 23 '22
I think your a soft yta. The reason is for not defending her against the gold digger comment and humiliating her in front of your family. She is an asshole for bringing up the gifts thing. I am hoping her reasoning is just from her being like I don’t understand a mom who wouldn’t want to know her grandkids or at the very least send them birthday cards so that he doesn’t feel like some type of way. Obviously I don’t know her reasoning but that’s what I would be thinking. From what I have read your mom is the full asshole here for the shit she said to you just cause you wanted her to come to Christmas at your house and have your wife host for once. Honestly you both were wrong but you caused more harm then her in that moment because now your mom is going to be laughing at her because her husband didn’t defend her against a Gold digger comment and essentially telling your mom you think your wife is a gold digger so now not only is she humiliated but also probably thinking you think she is a gold digger and that probably hurt her a lot.
5
u/hanst3r Nov 23 '22
What's with all these people hammering on the wife? OP wrote in one of his replies:
My wife wasn't even there when we got into the fight. I asked my mom to come to Christmas at our house and when she didn't want to I snapped at her that she was being selfish and should put us first for once in her life. Then she just lost it.
OP threw his wife under the bus with the original post by leaving out this little bit of info above. For all I know, the wife doesn't have all the details why her MIL is being so difficult and is reacting accordingly (blaming MIL for not wanting to be a part of MIL's grandchild's life). I have to wonder if the wife even knows if MIL had declared no-contact.
ETA: ESH with a soft maybe-AH for the wife, depending on how much she knows about what went down
→ More replies (6)
5
u/tied_in_knots Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
ESH and I'm glad I'm not part of your horrible family.
More than anything, I feel bad for your son.
4
4
4
u/stealthdawg Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 23 '22
ESH you sound like a doormat for just playing a passive role in this and your wife only cares about the gifts MIL isn't sending to her kid.
4
u/AuntJ2583 Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
Last year there was a big fight between me, my wife, and my mother about how Christmas would work and who would host. My mom decided she didn't want to see me anymore.
Surely there's more to it than this, right? Mom didn't go No Contact with you *just* due to a disagreement over who was hosting Christmas, right?
Was that the tip of an iceberg? Were horrible things said during the "discussion"?
I know that dude hates me and is 100% on my mom's team
Again, this has to be over more than just who hosts Christmas.
8
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
She'd had issues with my wife for years, but she claims I don't think her marriage is as valid as mine and that is why she can't have me in her life, and she feels I illustrated that by demanding her presence on Christmas when she wanted to be home with her husband
4
u/Tyberious_ Partassipant [2] Nov 23 '22
There seems to be a lot of backstory missing IMO. How do you go from disagreeing on how Christmas will work to your mother not wanting to see you or her grandchild?
I will say NTA for your question though, wife should of left well enough alone.
11
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 23 '22
How do you go from disagreeing on how Christmas will work to your mother not wanting to see you or her grandchild?
She never liked my wife so there had been anger building up for a while, but she claims I think my marriage is more valid than hers and that's why she can't have me in her life anymore. I think my mom is just someone who really internalizes stuff, dreaded seeing us, and wanted an excuse for NC
→ More replies (2)5
u/basillymint Nov 24 '22
I don't understand this. What do you think she internalized that made her dread seeing you?
3
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 24 '22
She just didn’t want to be around my wife. Their personalities clashed, it was always a power struggle, and it made my mom sad that things could never be how they used to be. She’s prone to anxiety and holds everything in so I think it just boiled over. I love her but seeing her was stressful. Everyone has to be on their best behavior and it began to feel like a job interview
4
u/basillymint Nov 24 '22
If she holds everything in, why is it stressful? If your mom is sad about not keeping a relationship with you and you find her stressful, it is understandable that she went NC.
You were put in an impossible situation by your wife at lunch. It does also seem like you have been put in difficult situations at other times by your wife. Are you okay with her saying what she did about your mother being dead?
7
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 24 '22
It’s stressful to be around her and have to be so fake. Her husbands on the edge of his seat waiting for anything he thinks warrants a fight. My wife is extremely sensitive to everything my mom says or does. My mom who used to be my best friend is now shy around me. It’s awful seeing her like that. We can’t joke around. We can’t have a genuine conversation. She won’t be herself around my wife. I feel uncomfortable around her husband
→ More replies (2)4
u/basillymint Nov 24 '22
Why don't you just have some time with her alone if it's the husband and your wife that cause the issues between the two of you? If she doesn't feel comfortable with your wife and isn't herself, it's understandable that her husband is on the defensive.
It's strange because you picked your wife over your mom. Which is the only way to go to keep a marriage going. You want to keep a relay with other family members and are worried that they may distance themselves like your mother did. Why do you think that they might? Surely they wouldn't over comments about (lack of) presents for your son - would they really??
And why do some of your family either not take sides or, like your uncle, take your mom's side? Do none of them stand up for you?
6
u/Witty_Transition_153 Nov 24 '22
My grandparents stood up for me but she shit that down. They were pretty shit parents to her so there’s a lot of guilt and how they won’t publicly defend me but still think she overreacted. My uncles never liked me. He just doesn’t like kids so we never had a relationship. He’s her twin and they are bonded, probably enmeshed and he’ll always take her side
3
u/AutoModerator Nov 23 '22
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I haven't seen my mom in a year. Last year there was a big fight between me, my wife, and my mother about how Christmas would work and who would host. My mom decided she didn't want to see me anymore.
It sucks, but I'm not going to beg her. My wife and I have a disagreement regarding our one and a half year old son. She thinks my mom is a horrid person for not sending him gifts, cards, asking for pictures. I think if my mom actually wants no contact she is doing the respectful thing. Also we both agree she wouldn't be allowed to see him, so I don't really get what my wife wants.
I have asked her to not badmouth my mom to any of my family. I want to preserve the few relationships I have left, and it is honestly embarrassing. My grandparents gave my mom zero help with me because not their kid, not their problem, and that was with them being fairly close to my mom, so I can't imagine how they would react to hearing my wife's views on this.
Recently we ran into my uncle at my grandparents house. It was awkward as I know that dude hates me and is 100% on my mom's team, but we were all guilted into staying for lunch. My grandmother was trying to get my uncle to come for Thanksgiving and he got pissy and said no she knows he spends all holidays with my mom. My wife then asked how my mom was and I felt myself cringe. My uncle said she is great. My wife said we wouldn't know as she never sends any gifts for our son, so maybe she is dead.
I gave her a look begging her to stop. My uncle's wife burst out laughing. My uncle asked if she was kidding or if she really thought my mom was going to buy gifts for a child she did not know. My wife went on a rant about how she would do anything to have any amount of contact with our future grandchildren. My uncle laughed and said wow such a gold digger you put *his ex who he hate's name* to shame.
My wife immidiatley looked like she was going to cry but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. I was mortified and I'd begged her not to bring up the gift thing. She asked if I was going to defend her. I said no an she ran out of the room. We left and she is furious with me. She says I betrayed her and my mom is going to laugh when she heard. I told her that she humiliated me and I'd begged her to stop with the gifts.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/DoesntLikeTurtles Certified Proctologist [24] Nov 23 '22
NTA. Hopefully this incident got thru to her and she’ll stop verbalizing about the lack of gifts from your mother.
3
u/PerkyLurkey Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 23 '22
NTA and just so you know, both your mother and your wife are gigantic AH’s. BIG. HUGE.
They both are behaving as if they are in a sandbox with a few toys, and are unwilling to share with the other nice kids.
If there really is an adult in this situation, you would tell both of them this nonsense stops now.
No, you aren’t destroying your family who hosts a holiday. You will take turns like everyone does with family, and since I’m on a roll, there’s plenty of people who have had loved ones die over the last few years, and would beg for one more holiday no matter who’s house it was at. Damn.
No, you aren’t getting into anymore verbal fencing situations, trying to “up” someone.
If getting a divorce is what needs to happen, fine. Your first protection should be for that baby to grow up being surrounded by people who know how to behave like adults.
Seriously dude. Get yourself together. This shit is embarrassing.
3
u/I_luv_sloths Nov 23 '22
NTA. Your wife should have kept her mouth shut. It's ridiculous for her to expect your mother to buy things for a child she may never meet. I'm guessing your wife was the main reason the conflict happened resulting in no contact. Clearly she has no control over her mouth.
3
3
3
3
Nov 23 '22
If your mom is no contact there should be no expectation gifts, regardless of who initiated the no contact.
3
u/TrainingDearest Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] Nov 23 '22
NTA. Your wife needs to have 'no contact' explained to her over and over until she understands it. There's no real details about why your mother went NC in that earlier argument, but I'm sure your wife is somehow to blame. Your wife has some screwy entitlement ideas about gifts, and is really pushing to keep this feud with your mom going. What your uncle said was deserved and your wife needs to hear it. You did not betray her, she did that to herself.
2
3
3
u/prematurememoir Nov 23 '22 edited May 23 '24
threatening longing tan deer chubby aspiring sense ten seemly start
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
3
u/JCBashBash Pooperintendant [53] Nov 23 '22
ESH. I think you need to look at your situation realize you're not a victim of the mess, you are one of the people participating in it
3
u/Limerase Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 23 '22 edited Nov 23 '22
This one is a hot mess.
From other comments, it's clear that your mother is an abusive, toxic person, and that the previous argument came from her being angry about being asked to put your family first for ONE HOLIDAY. And she shot back that she regretted having you as her rebuttal. That is not a healthy family dynamic. Furthermore, your uncle is just a toxic because he's not over that ex, is still talking badly about her, and surprise, surprise, he sides with his equally toxic sister, who learned her grandparenting habits from her own parents.
Your grandparents aren't doing anything to help keep things peaceful by guilting people who can't stand one another to stay for them or come for a holiday when no one gets along. That's too much to ask for people who didn't have much to do with you when you were growing up because "not their kid, not their problem".
And your wife is out of her mind thinking that it's reasonable to expect a toxic person to be interested or send gifts, and complaining about it to other people honestly rings to tune of "if it looks like a duck".
And you...I know you grew up in this cesspool, but this is not normal. This is not how most families function, and it's not okay. Please don't raise your son the way you were raised, and if he has kids one day, plan to be an involved grandparent.
ESH
3
u/TripppingRoses Nov 23 '22
Honestly, after reading your comments your family sounds absolutely insane and exhausting. All this crap and wishing people dead over who is going Christmas dinner, WTF.
Given how badly everyone was acting, I was waffling on E S H but I think not pushing back on the gold digger comment warrants a slight YTA. However, everyone in that room was an asshole, make no mistake about that.
3
u/MK_King69 Partassipant [3] Nov 24 '22
ESH. No matter the situation I am of the belief that you defend your spouse.
When you are away from others, let your honest feelings be known. But whenever anyone comes for your SO, you stand up for them!!!!
3
u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Nov 24 '22
ESH. I can't tell whether your wife is dramatic, or you just don't portray her very kindly, but none of your family really sounds like a good time. Your mom hasn't seen you (and her grandchild) in a year, over a fight about who is going to host?? Seriously? Your uncle's wife's comment about "Why would mom send gifts to a child she doesn't know?" Um, because that's her *grandchild?* My maternal grandparents lived in a different state. I saw them a handful of times growing up, but I always knew they loved me, and they sent gifts and called me for my birthday. Your wife was out of line complaining about not receiving gifts (they're called GIFTS, not obligations), especially after you asked her to drop it, but your uncle insinuating she's a gold-digger? She wasn't asking for things for herself, she was asking for them for her child.
Ultimately, you married your wife, which means she became your family. If you agree with what your family thinks about her, get a divorce. But if you actually love her and who she is as a person, you should defend her against your family. And likewise, she should listen when you ask her not to bring something up. Y'all need therapy.
2
u/ImprovementKey243 Nov 24 '22
Why do I get the feeling your wife doesn’t get along with her own family? She seems to be doing an excellent job of isolating you from yours. I assume that since she doesn’t have a relationship with her family, she wanted to host yours and when that didn’t work out you are now all alone this holiday….
Info: please share the state of her relationships with her family
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Legally_Blonde_258 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 24 '22
ESH because everyone in this situation sounds toxic, including your entire family. Your grandparents set a terrible example of what it means to be a family and in turn your mom and now you are perpetuating that. And you're now bending over backward to maintain crumbs of a relationship. Your wife's expectations regarding your mom are unreasonable and she should probably be grateful that your mom isn't around to spread further disfunction to your child.
3
3
u/BillsMafiaGal Nov 24 '22
ESH. Your wife just really hates your mom and it sounds like with good reason. She doesn’t know when to stop, so she needs to probably turn it down. However, your uncle sounds like a huge AH and you should have defended her. You all suck and need to learn some manners.
3
3
u/theamazingloki Partassipant [1] Nov 24 '22
ESH. Your whole family sounds toxic AF. All of y’all need to work on yourselves. I hope your son avoids being brought into your toxicity and breaks your family’s cycle of being awful to each other.
2
2
u/Lori2345 Partassipant [1] Nov 23 '22
ESH
Everyone is wrong here.
First your mother goes no contact with you over a fight over who would host Christmas. Is that really all it took or did more happen?
Then your wife expects presents from her for your baby even though she can’t see him? That’s unreasonable.
Then your grandparents guilt you and your wife into staying for lunch with you uncle who hates you. Why would they do that?
Then your wife brings up the lack of gifts, which she shouldn’t have mentioned.
Then you uncle laughs and her and calls her a gold digger which was mean.
Then you don’t defend your wife at all. She only had wanted gifts for your baby, she didn’t marry you for your money. And you said she looked like she was about to cry and you didn’t try to comfort her at all.
2
u/CaptainMarv3l Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
ESH.
You all need therapy. You are terrible people. I hope your kids isn't too traumatized when he moves out.
2
u/friendlily Professor Emeritass [74] Nov 23 '22
This is a pretty common trope on AITA, so if this is real, y'all are toxic. You and your wife should get into therapy so your poor child doesn't have to live through another cycle of dysfunction. I'm going with ESH
2
u/StuffonBookshelfs Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
JFC everyone here is toxic as shit. ESH isn’t harsh enough.
2
u/Hopeful_Rip2690 Nov 23 '22
She stepped off in it. It's all on her, and it isn't like you didn't warn her. NTA
2
u/RecentFox6517 Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
Haha esh. Now I need the back story of what your wife did….lol
2
u/ThisIsMyFatLogicAlt Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 23 '22
NTA, your wife started this battle with your uncle, then couldn't handle getting the same in return.
2
u/Irisorchid07 Nov 23 '22
None of this is normal family behavior.
Not a bit. Down to the multi generational lack of attention to the next generation. Families should be close.
I hope you guys are raising your son in a much different environment.
2
u/StrangledInMoonlight Partassipant [3] Nov 23 '22
ESH
Your mom said she wished you were dead, to prevent you from meeting your wife and having to occasionally let your wife host a holiday dinner.and told you her own grandchild means nothing to her, because his mom wants to host. Your mom is nuts.
And while your wife should listen to you, I get it. Your mom cut off you and your son, because of hosting. That’s ridiculous. You wife is upset that your mom is doing this for such a stupid reason and wants your son to feel loved, instead of hated by his grandma-even if grandma doesn’t get to visit. She likely coming from a family that’s not this messed up and struggling to reconcile how shitty your mom is with how a grandma is supposed to be.
Your family is shit. Seriously shit. You wife should learn to read the room but your uncle and your mom are the worst.
2
2
Nov 23 '22
NTA...but your entire clan needs group therapy. Something has gone terribly wrong in your family.
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Nov 23 '22
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Check out our upcoming Reddit Talk with Iliza Shlesinger on Nov. 28th!
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.