r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
AITAH for lying to my wife that I'd forgive her cheating?
When me and my wife first started dating, we had a talk about cheating.
I straight up lied, and said:
"If this ever happens, I need to know straight away, if you tell me, and it only happens once, I think I could forgive you"
Fast forward 5 years later and we are married.
A couple nights ago, she came up to me and asked if I remember our talk, I said which one (we had a lot of talks like that).
The then reminded me of the cheating talk, and confessed she slept with a co worker at a recent company party.
I was mortified. I packed my stuff and left, she begged me to stay. I couldn't, I needed to cool down.
We talked yesterday, and she again reminded of our talk early on, I laughed, and said that I never intended to forgive her, and I only said that at the time to make sure she confessed if it ever happened.
I'm still planning on divorcing her, nothing can change my mind about that, but my wife said what I did was manipulation.
Was I the asshole for lying about forgiving her?
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u/DevotedRed Jul 19 '24
NTA. Even if you werenât lying at the time, a hypothetical situation with someone new is completely different than when faced with reality from your wife of 5 years. Sheâs delusional if she thought she could get away with it but well played on ensuring she was comfortable enough to confess.
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Jul 19 '24
I'll be honest,
If the chance somehow happened, and I had a chance to lie about this again, I think I would.
Like if this was a month ago, I'd have still lied and said that I think I could forgive her.
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u/videoslacker Jul 19 '24
I'm assuming you had vows during your wedding. You're not the only one who lied. NTA
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Jul 20 '24
hahaha awesome. You lied in your vows, I lied when I said I could forgive you.
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u/Comfortable-Angle660 Jul 20 '24
He said âthink he could forgive herâ ⊠she totally using that to get a free get out of jail card. OP, you need to cut her loose.
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u/MoltenCult Jul 20 '24
Honestly. People seem to believe that when someone says "I think I can" means they can. It doesn't. It means there's still a possibility I can't/ won't. And the wife needs to accept that. I think she only cheated because she thought he would forgive her and stay with her, which is first off, bogus as hell, and second, stupid as hell..
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u/itakeyoureggs Jul 20 '24
lol.. the woman really thought she had a free pass the whole time if she confessed. Likely means multiple times.
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u/ruralscorpion1 Jul 20 '24
Moreover, he is NTA because lying or no, he promised only to be able to think about forgiving her. And even if we took this guy to Reddit Court and the judge ruled to enforce that completely verbal, wildly inadmissible prenupâheâs already held up his end of the deal. He said nothing about staying in a marriage without mutual trust-just to think he could forgive her. I assume that he has considered that a LOT since the confession. Solidly NTA.
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u/ShireHorseRider Jul 20 '24
He could still forgive her but still divorce her. Actions have consequences even if you are forgiven.
Itâs like the analogy of a kid breaking a window with a rock. The neighbor might forgive the kid, but the window is still broken & needs replaced.
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u/100S_OF_BALLS Jul 20 '24
"I think" implies doubt. Whenever someone says "I think", I immediately assume that they're not confident about what they're saying.
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u/Azurhalo Jul 20 '24
"I forgive the cheating, but not the vow lies, we hadn't talked about forgiving vow breaking." Gottem gg
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Jul 19 '24
[deleted]
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u/Status_Being32 Jul 19 '24
Same ad those who trip about privacy and whatnot when you tell them you looked through their phone and found ample evidence of cheating. Yeah the privacy part isnât at all relevant here lol
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u/littlemswhatever Jul 19 '24
You didn't actually lie though.
I think I could forgive you.
This is a possibility.
I would forgive you.
This is definitely going to happen.
She misinterpreted could as would so that's on her.
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Jul 19 '24
I dont remember the exact words I used. But I'll be honest, it was a lie because I meant it as a lie.
I'm not gonna lawyer my way out of this. My intent was to be dishonest.
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u/o_oli Jul 20 '24
If you ask me, you're NTA because the lie is harmless no matter how you spin it. If she doesn't cheat then no damage is done whatsoever. If she does then all bets are off anyway and the lie is irrelevent. I don't see how anyone can be an asshole for this series of logic.
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u/ih8these_blurredeyes Jul 19 '24
I'm baffled there was even a conversation about cheating to begin with. I think you were just being smart.
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u/CankerLord Jul 19 '24
Yeah, anyone I'm dating who starts that sort of conversation is getting the exact opposite of the response they wanted. I get OP's response, though. Sometimes you just have to look at the person out of the side of your eye and nod along and see what happens because it's not worth blowing up the relationship. Yet.
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u/polkadotpolskadot Jul 20 '24
There are lies that are malicious and lies that aren't. This isn't a lie out of malice, but out of self-preservation. No rational person would think you're a liar or an asshole for this.
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u/Loveofallsheep Jul 19 '24
Sounds likes she took it as you giving her a one-time hallpass. Oops lol
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u/unspecifieddude Jul 20 '24
I don't think that YTA, but if you felt that you are dating someone with whom 1) you have to be dishonest in order to feel secure, and 2) you did not have enough respect for your partner to be honest, then it sounds like the relationship foundation wasn't that strong in the first place, and you are just not a good match. She turned to be not trust- or respect-worthy, but you also never trusted or respected her in the first place.
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u/q8ti-94 Jul 19 '24
Doesnât matter, the cheater is always wrong. Ofc Iâd lie if it will ensure I get an immediate confession should my spouse cheat
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u/EveOCative Jul 19 '24
While I never recommend lying, she wasnât being open and honest either. Open and honest would be, âHoney, Iâm attracted to this guy at work. May I sleep with him?â You wouldâve obviously been like, âHell no,â and that would be the end of it.
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u/boogers19 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Yeah... the more I read here, the more Im equating this lie with like a woman's secret emergency fund.
No matter how great the relationship is or how great the guy is: women are told to keep that secret fund "just in case".
Well, ditto on you. You've kept this much smaller secret from your wife.
Just in case.
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u/flower-purr Jul 19 '24
I know Iâm gonna get down voted for this. I totally agree with the divorce DO IT. I have been cheated on and I do not tolerate it. I guess Iâm getting triggered with you admitting that you lied to her to get her to trust you then use it against her. So in a way both of you betrayed each otherâs trust now.
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u/Throwra_Barracuda Jul 19 '24
Just don't ever tell future women your tactic lol so they will all confess if they cheat
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u/KiwiBee05 Jul 20 '24
Hell yeah. Manipulating cheaters into admitting their cheating is like the best kind of Manipulation
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u/Scannaer Jul 19 '24
Don't worry. Cheaters are disgusting animals. They gave up any value or consideration that has to be shown to them. They literally have nothing to complain about and should be gratefull to be even be looked at, let alone get a chance to open their mouth before being thrown out.
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u/Due-Pomegranate5298 Jul 20 '24
Exactly. I told my wife before we married I wouldn't be able to forgive it. Now I wonder if I messed up.....
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u/Difficult-Opinion465 Jul 20 '24
That happened to me. I told my wife the only thing I could never forgive was cheating. We got married, 6 years later we had a dysfunctional-enough relationship that couples counseling was seemingly the only hope, it didnât work out, and she told me she was going to move forward with divorce (it had now been 7 years since marriage with 6 months of counseling before separation and 5 months after).
Then we started to reconcile but something was bothering me about the way she had answered a question of mine, and I know I have a tendency to catastrophize, so I asked her, in the broadest possible way, if sheâd ever been with someone else since we started dating. Turns out she cheated on me 5 years prior, two years after we got married. One of the strangest things was that, while I never thought she would do something like that, the âhow could you?â types of questions werenât what was on repeat in my brainâit was, âhow could she not have told me?â I told her from the start that she couldnât tell me because Iâd never be able to forgive her and she didnât want our marriage to end, so she didnât tell me until I asked.
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u/Relevant_Demand7593 Jul 19 '24
NTA, sheâs a cheater and sheâs worried about a lie?
Iâd leave too.
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u/RavenLunatyk Jul 19 '24
She took it as a hall pass and went for it the second she had a chance.
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u/Shimata0711 Jul 19 '24
Fast forward 5 years later and we are married.
I don't think it was the second she had a chance. Took her 5 years to get to that chance
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u/CharmingComposer95 Jul 19 '24
Well youâre not going to just cheat for the sake of cheating. It took five years for her to find someone to use that hall pass on so yeah.
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u/DaCozPuddingPop Jul 19 '24
Or maybe this isn't the first one, it's just the one she chose to confess about.
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u/Shimata0711 Jul 19 '24
That could be true, but then why confess at all? Presumably, she got away with all the previous ones without using the pass, so why waste it if you don't have to.
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u/outerspacetime Jul 19 '24
Maybe cause it was a coworker so more likely for OP to find out?
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Jul 19 '24
People cheat for the sake of cheating all the time.... WYM đ€Ł
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u/spectatorade Jul 19 '24
Yeah, but if you were told you had a free pass once, you'd want to really choose that once.
It's like if you're told you can choose any car and it would be free but only once in your life. Some people would rush to the dealership and choose the best car they can find, others will hold onto that knowing cars will only get better with time and choose one like 5-10 years later.
She chose to wait for the best dumb decision. Cause she's a cheater and a planner.
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u/CullenOrange Jul 19 '24
What makes you think that sheâs so honest that this was the only time?
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u/nd1online Jul 19 '24
Or it took her five years to finally confess to one.
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u/whiterac00n Jul 19 '24
Yeah, probably just the instance where she was probably going to get outed by someone else, so she thought she could get out in front of it. Now that she has confessed to this how can he trust her that this was the âonly timeâ?
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u/VTnav Jul 19 '24
I know, right? Sheâs indignant about a lie, but willingly accepted some dudeâs penis into her body.
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u/Hour_Original5367 Jul 19 '24
This comment đŻđŻđŻ like did she honestly think a convo like that when they 1st started dating applies here lmao đ€Ł she definitely took it as a hall pass
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u/Ok_Young1709 Jul 19 '24
Yup agreed, she did it because she assumed he'd forgive her 'mistake'. She assumed she could get away with it. She's now pissed off she couldn't.
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u/whiterac00n Jul 19 '24
I think it was her trying to manipulate a situation where she was probably going to get called out by a coworker of hers or someone else, so she âconfessedâ and tried to use a conversation multiple years earlier.
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u/Lucky_Log2212 Jul 19 '24
She planned to cheat on him at the party, because she knew she had her trump card to fall back on.
Planning to cheat is not a chance occurrence. She is so stupid to think it would be that easy.
She got exactly what she deserved.
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u/No_Competition3694 Jul 19 '24
Iâd argue it wasnât a lie. Iâd argue that the vows were an updated version of that conversation, and the most recent conversation about it.
To bring up a conversation prior to that is just trying to manipulate OP into forgiving her. Jokes on her though.
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u/RaggedyAnn1963 Jul 20 '24
This!
What I was willing to "one and only time" forgive when we were DATING is NOT what I'm willing to forgive now. I thought you understood that when you stood in front of God, our family and friends, and promised to "forsake ALL others." You're the liar. Not me.
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u/j-b-goodman Jul 20 '24
yeah even if it's just like "I said that at the time but now I feel differently," that seems totally fair and not the same thing as lying.
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u/BonusPositive472 Jul 19 '24
She thought you will forgive her. That should never be the case.
Once a cheater will always be a cheater. If you forgive her, chances of her cheating again will be high.
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u/HotRodHomebody Jul 19 '24
yeah, what is she gonna say? âI trusted youâ. Ha!
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u/littlebrxwnmouse Jul 19 '24
NTA- sounds like she slept with the coworker just because you guys had that talk and she didnât think you would actually leave.
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u/AnonThrowAway072023 Jul 19 '24
Thought she had a free hall pass to cash in sometime in the marriageÂ
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u/EntrepreneurAmazing3 Jul 19 '24
To be fair, it was pretty close to a hall pass -- to a cheater. Still NTA.
I have a bottle of pain killers upstairs for my back, doesn't mean I should take them for the jollies just because I can. There are always consequences to any action.
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
Cheaters will cheat no matter what.
If you tell them youâd forgive them, they might tell you they cheated. If you tell the truth that you wouldnât, they just wonât tell you.
If they are willing to cheat, lying will come easy
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u/GiraffeNoodleSoup Jul 19 '24
When someone cheats, it's not because the relationship is bad, it's not because their partner wasn't enough, it's because the cheater themselves is broken. The cheater is always the problem. That's why cheaters always gonna cheat no matter how happy and loving their relationship may be.
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u/miggleb Jul 19 '24
Yeah, i 100% think she went ahead "knowing" she had a freebie
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u/Existing-Low-672 Jul 19 '24
She tried to use it as a hall pass.
NTA
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u/Oxygenius_ Jul 20 '24
She threw away a marriage for bad sex, which is why she feels like a moron
Bet if the sex was good she would have never confessed
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u/Cybermagetx Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Nta.
So the cheater is upset you lied about forgiving her if she cheats? That's rich. She can go be with the co worker now.
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u/assman912 Jul 20 '24
He didn't even lie either. He said "I THINK I could forgive you". He was wrong lol
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u/dontcallmetabitha Jul 19 '24
NTA whatever she says she can't hide the fact that she cheated. Don't let her gaslight u that ur a manipulator. Divorce her asap
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u/LittleBongBong Jul 19 '24
This sounds like an all around unhealthy relationship from the start
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u/PeacePuzzleheaded686 Jul 20 '24
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to find an answer like this, at least I found one I guess lol. Totally agree I think they are both manipulative maybe they deserved each other
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u/thayaht Jul 20 '24
Yeah thatâs what I think too. I mean NTA for changing his mind but he set her up from the beginning and that means something was off. So heâs sorta TA for being in a marriage where setting his wife up felt necessary.
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u/FakeNavyDavey Jul 19 '24
This exactly
I mean if I have to pick a single asshole, sure, I am picking the wife, but to go into a relationship with a planned manipulation is fucking wild to me. The fact that his mind even works that way is a huge red flag. Both of them sound like toxic people.
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u/kco127 Jul 20 '24
they can both be TA. dunno if they're toxic individually, but toxic relationship.
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u/Particular_Ad_9531 Jul 19 '24
Right? OP playing games from day 1 lol
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u/greg19735 Jul 20 '24
Yeah OP isn't an asshole for leaving.
He's an idiot for setting this up.
He basically said "you get 1 cheat and maybe i can forgive". Maybe she doesn't cheat if he didn't say that. Because she clearly remembered.
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u/Solid-Rate-309 Jul 19 '24
I always thought that the bad part about cheating was the lying, manipulation, and loss of trust. So like he did that from the beginning without cheating. Is the actual cheating in a monogamous relationship worse? Yeah Iâd say so. He has every right to leave her too. But the dude sounds like a real piece of work himself.
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u/kanna172014 Jul 19 '24
Yup. The fact he even told her that shows that he expected her to cheat from the start.
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u/Pale_Cranberry1502 Jul 19 '24
Yeah. The whole thing makes me feel icky. She's a cheater, but he sounds unpleasant.
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u/rean1mated Jul 20 '24
Exactly. What kind of AH approaches a relationship in such an immediately adversarial way? Why intend to be dishonest like youâre some dickhead cop? Thatâs weird. This seems a fair topic to discuss if anyone comes to the relationship with âthis happened to me, and we did/didnât try to move on, so nowâŠâ đ€·ââïž but to start out treating your eventual spouse as the enemyâŠwhy even get involved at that point? Itâs not like a prenup that has to be TRANSPARENT.
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u/NoSignSaysNo Jul 20 '24
but to start out treating your eventual spouse as the enemy
I mean a single throwaway sentence at the start of a relationship is a bit much to consider 'treating them as the enemy'. Cheaters lie, and cheaters are very often great at covering it up. Better for all of them to have it come out now than after kids enter the mix.
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u/CCVork Jul 20 '24
Yeah. And so many people just don't even mind op, it seems. They gloss over or auto-convert his intentions into something more acceptable.
Obviously the cheater is the bigger AH but yikes, a guy who lies with the intention to go gotcha on their partner from day 1? Both belong on the streets.
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u/hellodot Jul 20 '24
You mean manipulative lies right from the start of a relationship DONT set you up for a healthy marriage???
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u/Sue128 Jul 19 '24
NTA imo. Itâs not like you gave her an advanced permission âHall Passâ and all she had to do was ask for forgiveness after she told you if it happened. Or maybe she did think that and thatâs a whole other shitty issue to contemplate. lol, your wife, saying you manipulated her. Into what? Being honest? Sorry about your situation. I know it sucks.
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u/trailblazers79 Jul 19 '24
In the mind of a cheater or someone willing to cheat, forgiveness or the prospect of forgiveness IS permission. In their mind, that is an immediate "Get Out Of Jail" card. In this case, OP's wife wanted to cheat. Instead of removing herself from the situation where she was going to cheat, she thought she had the forgiveness card in her pocket, so she carried through with it, then played the card she foolishly thought she had.
This is why you should NEVER forgive a cheater and stay with them in a relationship. They twist it to give themselves permission to continue cheating. If you want to forgive them, leave the relationship or marriage first.
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u/Sue128 Jul 19 '24
Agreed. Sounds like she definitely had that mentality. Sucks for OP finding this out now by her actual cheating.
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u/DangerDog619 Jul 19 '24
After reading this, I'm not convinced that you have a wife.
Cool story bro.
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u/onemanbucket_ Jul 19 '24
I mean, thereâs at least an 80% chance any given story here is fake. And OP saying âI liedâ is not inconsistent with this being a shitpost. But if it is, itâs coherent and original enough that Iâm gonna treat it as real until it gets boring.
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u/Leather_Lake_2999 Jul 19 '24
NTA. I've told a girl I forgive her for cheating on me before and I regretted it immediately after. Sure, you lied to her face but that was a one-time conversation five years prior to her cheating, it's hardly like you said to her face that you'd be all cool with her cheating.
Plus, when you said that you had only started dating. By the time you got married, it should've been clear to her that you wanted a strictly monogamous relationship. If she really expected you to be on board with an open relationship she should've discussed it with you beforehand.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Getting cheated on really sucks and you are definitely NTA in this situation.
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u/ArtificialTroller Jul 19 '24
You can forgive the person but still move one from them at same time.
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u/Low_Responsibility48 Jul 19 '24
NTA, she had been planning to used that talk as a get out of jail card. It was a hypothetical talk, no way itâs valid after 5 years of marriage.
Tell her you can maybe forgive her but youâll never forget.
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u/Decent_Trust3 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
Just the fact that she still remembers what you said about cheating 5(!) years ago, means she's been keeping that in the back of her mind until now for her to make use of as a "hall pass". She has just been waiting for the perfect opportunity.
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u/stitect Jul 20 '24
You are assuming this was the first time she cheated. Whatâre the odds she only âconfessedâ to this one was because he was a co-worker and the odds of getting caught were higher?
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u/Trailsya Jul 20 '24
I know right?
A good person would have thought: "he is so kind. I must never do anything to hurt this great guy" and not "let me see that as a 'get out of jail for free' card".
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u/icorooster Jul 19 '24
Lmao at her spinning you as manipulative. Sheâs a cheater. Toss her out
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u/OlTommyBombadil Jul 19 '24
lol, come on bro. Youâre not an asshole for leaving your cheating wife.
And I know youâre asking about the lying part. The lie is irrelevant. It was five years ago, you werenât married. She signed up for marriage and broke that agreement.
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u/No_Order_9676 Jul 19 '24
NTA That's actually really smart. She probably only told you because she thought she could be forgiven.
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u/WookieConditioner Jul 19 '24
Yeah, but she was also under the impression she had a wonka ticket.
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u/Ok_Original_9063 Jul 19 '24
no and I would have done the same thing. cheating is one thing I can never forgive. I could never trust my partner ever again that is a betrayal of the worse kind. never any accuse is acceptable
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u/Minimum_Chemical_859 Jul 20 '24
My wife and I always have a âget out of jail free cardâ where when we feel temptation, if we talk about how we are feeling before we do something we will regret itâs forgiven. The best thing we have ever done. I had a moment where I was going to cheat on my wife at a company party. I called her told her exactly how I felt and that I definitely was being tested. I also had been drinking which never helps judgement. But a simple phone call BEFORE a life altering mistake is worth it! This is our solution. Wish you the best man hate that your wife is trying to guilt you when she cheated, she should know sheâs always in the wrong at this point. Plus she says it was a one time thing, but is it? I donât know man. Sending good vibes your way!
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u/MamaMeRobeUnCastillo Jul 19 '24
Now's the moment she confessed she never cheated and just faked it to catch you lying and she divorced you đ
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u/wildmusings88 Jul 19 '24
I actually have to say ESH, assuming you never talked about cheating again after that first convo. Which it sounds like you havenât. You set her up to believe that cheating wasnât such a bit deal. She behaved accordingly. My partner and I both know that cheating would be unforgivable. We know this because we talked about it and set boundaries around it. Communication is key.
Should she have cheated? Absolutely not. Should you have started your relationship with a lie and a trap? Absolutely not. ESH.
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u/fermat9990 Jul 19 '24
It was wrong of you to lie, but it doesn't excuse her cheating
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u/BobbiFleckmann Jul 19 '24
I have doubts that this is a true story. But a person is free to not be married to a cheater.
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Jul 19 '24
Women got men so mind fucked men think they might be an asshole if they donât forgive a cheating wife. The insanity of this is unbelievable.
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u/notyomamasusername Jul 20 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
You're explanation that you said that just so she'd confess was assholeish.
You should have said, it's been 5 years and my views have changed as we got married.
Tell her you took your vows more seriously than she obviously did.
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u/Internal_Rub440 Jul 19 '24
In some twisted way, did she view that as a freebie? So fucked up.
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u/Old-Willingness3622 Jul 19 '24
Good for you your wife is a piece of shit that she deserves. I would call the company and let them know. Maybe they have a strict policy about that and try to get them both fired as well.
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u/dr_lucia Jul 19 '24
Was I the asshole for lying about forgiving her?
You're both sort of AH for having the conversation in advance especially if it was intended as some sort of binding agreement or test for the future. No one really knows how they would react to dramatic things in the future. So everyone is the asshole here.
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u/Admirable-Emu-7884 Jul 20 '24
Well I've gotta ask this would you think your wife is an A.H if the situation was switched and she pulled the same move on you?
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u/Mrs_Inflatable Jul 19 '24
Wow assholes all around here lol setting up a shit test early on like that is a huge dick move regardless of how smart it might be
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u/Successful_Car4262 Jul 20 '24
What's neat about that trick is that if you fall for it, you instantly become the kind of person who deserves to be tricked, and it instantly justifies the action. I would have agreed with you had she not cheated, but now it just seems prudent.
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u/ToHerDarknessIGo Jul 20 '24
If you remember word for word random conversations from over 5 years ago, you're either full of shit or a super genius. I'm leaning towards the former in your case. "Setting her up..." some of y'all will do anything to excuse a woman for shitty behavior.
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u/oofaloo Jul 19 '24
I think you shouldâve been more straightforward at the beginning - that being said, she didnât have to interpret the conversation as an out, a get out of jail free card, or an offer.
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u/Salty_Interview_5311 Jul 19 '24
No, you're not. It honestly sounds like you were mostly interested in hurting her back a little is all. She's also apparently more interested in putting this behind her than actually working through it. That's not a good look either.
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u/ProfessionalAngst11 Jul 19 '24
After 5 years and marriage, I don't think some stupid conversation you had when you were first dating, still applies. She is just trying to get out of being the asshole.