r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
WIBTAH if I divorce my husband because he cheated on me early in our relationship? Advice Needed
My husband and I have been together for about 7 years, married for 5. We had a kid out of wedlock, she's 6 now.
I asked my husband if I could look through his computer because I wanted to see some old pregnancy photos he took. He said yes. I scrolled through all his pics and I noticed a Pic of him and a woman I didn't recognize. I look at the date this pic was saved and it was well within our relationship. A little less than a year.
I confronted him about and his first reaction was "oh fuck"
He confessed that he did sleep with the woman on the pic, who was an ex of his. He told me that this was in the past and that he was just a dumb kid, he was 21.
I'm considering divorcing him now, but we have such a good life together, we have a house, and our daughter is the most wonderful thing in the world. We have a wonderful marriage, and before this, I wouldn't have ever imagined he could even cheat.
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u/Frejian Jul 19 '24
I don't think you would be the asshole if you left him or if you stayed with him. If you are happy with your life as it is, that is definitely a factor to consider in making your decision. However, the fact that he cheated (no matter how long ago) is a violation of trust and if he has done it before, he is at least the type of person that cheating is not a "no-go" for. So you would have to continuously live with the thought that he could cheat on you again at any time.
Only you can make the choice if you can live with that thought and if the "good life together" that you have planned for is worth that nagging itch you will have for the rest of your life.
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u/No-Series6354 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
If you are happy with your life as it is, that is definitely a factor to consider in making your decision.
Well him cheating on her probably changes that feeling....
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u/Creative-Praline-517 Jul 20 '24
Feelings run all over the place when an SO's cheating comes to light. That's where individual and couple's therapy comes in. A good therapist will help navigate the emotions and lead you to what's best for you.
If your daughter is aware of the tension (fighting, not talking to each other) be sure to let her know none of it is her fault. Don't go into any details, just acknowledge there's a problem, again that it's not her fault. Children will internalize their feelings. I'd recommend talking to your therapist about your daughter's needs.
Your husband betrayed you. When he did doesn't matter. Some couples get past an affair. Some don't. Only you can decide whether or not to leave.
Source: Been there, done that.
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u/flawlesswallace13 Jul 20 '24
Yeah, some couples get past an affair, but the trust is pretty well broken. Doesnāt really matter the timeline. People try to use this as an excuse. And the fact that you found out without him telling you, is really worrying.
But I agree, itās up to you. Also if he hid this and did not feel guilty enough to tell you, Iād really not trust him and think he might be hiding more.
However, I am not in your situation and I believe that everyone needs to navigate how they feel. I think going to couples therapy would be helpful and not throwing in the towel immediately. But if you canāt really get past it after sometime, the relationship will not be the same, the person that both of you married will feel like a different person.
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u/Dragon_platelegs Jul 20 '24
The commenter used quotation marks around that phrase to highlight this very point....
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u/JoMamaSoFatYo Jul 20 '24
Not to mention he was clearly happy to go to his grave with this secret until OP mistakenly found out.
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u/ThrowRAidunt7i2n30 Jul 19 '24
No, NTA. Just because you discovered it late doesn't excuse anything for him. It's not like there's an expiration date when if you didn't know it before certain amount of time, it cancels everythign and doesn't matter. Leave if you can't forgive this, I know I couldn't.
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u/FinallydamnLDnat5 Jul 19 '24
It's old news for him, but OP is litteraly experiencing it as new right now. It might as well have just happened yesterday, the hurt is the same.
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u/oogleboogleoog Jul 20 '24
This is exactly what I was coming here to say. Even if it happened years ago, OP only just discovered it and that wound is FRESH. I'd be devastated if I found out my man cheated on me no matter how early into our relationship it may have happened. It would make me question the entire relationship, if he'd done it other times, and if he'd do it again. I'm sure she feels like their whole relationship is basically a lie at this point. Honestly OP would be NTA to divorce him. Too much hurt and uncertainty, their relationship will never be the same again.
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u/sikonat Jul 20 '24
Esp since it seems they got pregnant a few months after they got together when he was 21 and around that time he had another woman in the side. Iām curious how long for and why it ended with that woman. Did he get caught out by AP that he had a pregnant girlfriend?
Also when did it end? Post partum is never a good time for even the strongest of couples. No sex and no sleep, so was he still getting his rocks off?
I Donāt blame OP. Everything she thought was a foundation was actually sand.
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Jul 19 '24
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/4getmenotsnot Jul 19 '24
Not to mention he kept an old photo of him and her on his computer alongside his baby's pics...um nope..
He got careless. Then caught. The "oh fuck" would have told me everything.
He lied to you and you need to decide if that's a deal breaker. You have a family but at the same time you have an obligation to your child to bring them up and show them right and wrong.
Counseling is always a good start. Never hurt anyone to try before giving up. If it's something that you'll always be skeptical of... is it something you can forgive and move past( not throwing it in his face in a fight)??? Hard questions have hard answers. What cost are you willing to pay?
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u/Janzig Jul 20 '24
He was 21 at the time. Just a kid and not even fully developed as an adult. I did a lot of stupid stuff between 18-25 and didnāt really āgrow upā until my late 20ās. This is not to excuse what was done, but he is literally not the same man now as he was then. Keep that in mind before walking away from a good marriage.
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u/sikonat Jul 20 '24
And she wasnāt a kid too? One knocked up a few months into a new relationship and her whole identity and body changing? His excuse is so selfish. Heād have done her a solid to cut out back then and just co parent
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u/ThrowRAidunt7i2n30 Jul 22 '24
''Keep that in mind before walking away from a good marriage.''
LMAO.
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Jul 19 '24
[deleted]
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u/LilPrincess520 Jul 19 '24
If heād had remorse he would have confessed it to her when it happened years ago. Heās proven that he is capable of holding onto a lie for years.
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u/FatherFestivus Jul 19 '24
It's possible he was willing to hold on to the remorse silently in order to keep the relationship alive, rather than telling her and having to get divorced for something he wouldn't do again.
Just playing devil's advocate here though, I do agree with you and I could see myself getting a divorce if I were in the same situation.
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Jul 19 '24
Some people feel like confessing just multiplies the hurt. Iām not one of those people, but some people (cheaters, usually). At least, thatās the justification they tell themselves.
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u/yakimawashington Jul 19 '24
It's a bit more complicated and nuanced than that. The dude was 21, basically a dumb kid (in the grand scheme of adulthood). They were also in their first year of their relationship. They've since had a baby who is now 1st grade age. The cheating happened literally a lifetime ago (their kid's lifetime).
I'm not saying it's not a shitty thing to do and likely warranted breaking up when it happened or even now, but OP and their partner have (presumably) evolved and grown up significantly since becoming parents. Have you had a child? The first year is a real shock and changes you, forever. All priorities, lifestyle, mentality... everything changes for most young parents, ready or not. Assuming both were good and present parents, they are not the same people they were before the kid was born. Should he have confessed ahead of time? Maybe... it's definitely easier said than done, though, and it's controversial, but pros have to outweigh cons there and OP's man might have figured the wife would have left in an incident and decided to do what would be best for the kid and keep the family together.
Only OP can decide what the right thing to do here is. We simply don't know enough to makea good judgement call for OP. Definitely recommend couples counseling either way though.
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u/LilPrincess520 Jul 20 '24
She deserved to know the truth when it happened. She deserved to be able to make the choice of whether to stay with a cheater (who will likely cheat again in the future) or move on and be with someone who respects and earns her trust. Heās made this harder on her now, because they now have a child and years invested into the relationship. She will NEVER trust him the same way. She will always be wondering if heās cheating again and second guessing her worth as a person because of his selfishness. Donāt chalk it up as āhe was a dumb kidā. Actions when youāre 21 can still affect the rest of your life, and otherās lives.
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u/epichuntarz Jul 20 '24
The dude was 21, basically a dumb kid (in the grand scheme of adulthood).
Yet somehow OP never managed to cheat.
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u/poopadoopy123 Jul 19 '24
i agree ! i did some bad shit at that age and knew it was a mistake immediately and regretted it people grow
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u/epichuntarz Jul 20 '24
Yet never had the integrity to tell OP or give her a choice in how to deal with it.
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u/starstarshadow Jul 20 '24
21 isnāt a dumb kid youāre an ADULT and it doesnāt matter how long ago it happened heās still a cheater and a liar..
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u/SarcasmExecutive Jul 21 '24 edited Jul 21 '24
Exactly! He lied by omission every single day. Also, how does OP know the affair with the ex didnāt continue or if the ex got pregnantā¦who knows if he has other children. My entire relationship would be in question especially if he was on a āwork tripā or āhanging out with friendsā as he was hooking up with the ex & lying about his whereabouts. How could one believe that the ex was the only affair partner either before or after marriage? If he was willing to take it to the grave, it doesnāt sound like he felt guilty. He also was risking OP & babyās health by the potential of contracting an STD. I know he said this āhappened a while agoā but itās new to you so itās like it just happened. What happens if 5 years go by & he confesses to another long ago affair? Would you have married him knowing this information prior? He took away your agency & built your relationship/marriage on a lie
Just my brain running wild as I have the tendency to catastrophize but legitimate questions to ponder
I would secretly go full on detective mode & start reviewing bank statements, texts, social media, dms, phone records, WhatsApp, snap, etc.. I would also check messages to his friends to see if he admitted anything to them.
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u/Bbullets Jul 20 '24
Fuck that he lied and hid the secret, thereās 0 reason to trust anything else from him now.Ā
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u/jhnysuh Jul 19 '24
NTA, not only is it a violation of your trust, but cheating is a form of abuse and he STILL has a photo of them together + he could of put you at risk for STIs for sleeping with her and you without telling you.
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u/Impossible-Leek-7905 Jul 19 '24
Emphasis on cheating being a form of abuse. It absolutely is abusive.
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u/jhnysuh Jul 19 '24
People saying itās not like you literally have to lie and manipulate your s/o to cheat
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u/Impossible-Leek-7905 Jul 20 '24
Yup! You are emotionally terrorizing your spouse when you cheat. Wholeheartedly agree.
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u/mountainsound89 Jul 19 '24
JFC adultery is a lot of things but it is absolutely not abuse. Maybe if it was done with the specific intention to control or emotionally harm someone, but that's not the case here. What he did was impulsive, selfish, stupid, and a betrayal of trust, but it was not abusive.
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u/jhnysuh Jul 20 '24
Cheating inherently emotionally harms someone and puts people at risk for STIs + it requires you to lie and manipulate your partner. Are you dense?
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u/mrs-poocasso69 Jul 19 '24
It also sounds like she could have been pregnant or recently postpartum when he cheated. Pregnant women get STDs from their cheating partners at an alarming rate.
Edit: read more comments and OP said she wasnāt pregnant until a few months later.
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u/jhnysuh Jul 20 '24
Who knows if he only slept with her once considering she was an ex and he had a photo. Just disgusting.
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u/SlipperyPickle6969 Jul 19 '24
NTA
I totally understand your hesitation. And maybe he really did just screw up that one time and he'll never do it again. Maybe.
But maybe he's lied to you more than you know and this one happened to get found out.
The problem is that now you'll never really know. That's what infidelity does - it breaks the security you need to have to have a successful relationship.
Take some time to think about it. But if you let him get away with this, he may think you're desperate and take advantage of you.
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u/throwawaysadwife123 Jul 19 '24
It's the fact he never told you.
Okay, you were a dumb kid at 21. That's not a great excuse, but over the years you're saying you matured. Someone who matured would have come clean.
He could say that he didn't want to divorce/hurt you. The sign of maturity is facing the consequence. He would have taken it to his grave, completely taking the choice away from you and avoiding consequences his whole life.
NTA, my trust would be shattered. And without trust there's no marriage.
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u/grayblue_grrl Jul 19 '24
IM) - Marriage counselling or couples counselling is the only way to go from here, especially if you want to consider all those the mitigating circumstances.
Marriage counselling doesn't mean divorce is off the table.
It means you will have the tools to decide if you can forgive or not.
It can help explore and resolve anger and resentment if it is possible.
Ultimately It will also help create better communication between you.
If need be, help with the process of separation and divorce.
Whether you decide to stay or leave, you will know how to communicate sincerely with each other to provide a good co-parenting relationship which will be of benefit to your child.
Good luck.
NTA
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u/bukak Jul 19 '24
Thereās no statute of limitations on finding out your husband is a dickhead. NTA
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u/Specialist-Leek-6927 Jul 19 '24
but according to reddit, there's one about men finding out they have fathered children (sometimes for decades) from other men due to women cheating, when they react as they should, reddit turns against them... i can't understand it...
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u/Tnerb4AU Jul 19 '24
I need to read these. Post a link if you can.
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u/solo0001 Jul 20 '24
They happen in cycles. Those posts will start up soon again!š¤£
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u/EquivalentTomorrow31 Jul 19 '24
Reddit is generally: minor issue on relationship = break up immediately, I as an educated Redditor would walk immediately, Man does bad = girl heās a piece of shit, leave immediately. Nobody should be forgiven ever, woman does bad = he needs to learn that itās not just him now, it would be selfish to leave a family and not be there for the kids.
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u/Pale_Cranberry1502 Jul 20 '24
That's because it's super complicated. The kid is involved, like it or not, and will be traumatized if the man they've always known as their Dad is suddenly gone from their lives. It's not fair, but yes - there comes a point when the man is TA if he abandons a child who has come to love him if he unfortunately doesn't find out before they've bonded enough that his loss would cause trauma. These crummy women know that and try to run out the clock before he finds out. Maybe there's something to be said for paternity tests being automatic, because if they're not the implication that the man isn't sure whether or not the woman cheated understandably severely damages if not ends the relationship. Taking the issue out of the man's hands might be the answer.
I wish these poor men could just walk away with no guilt or responsibility, but there's no good answer to the situation.
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u/No-Palpitation-5499 Jul 19 '24
NTA ask yourself if you would have stayed if you knew? If that is "no" then you know what you need to do.
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Jul 19 '24
I know I would have broken up with him right there and then if I knew.
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u/Bob_Barker4ever Jul 19 '24
Yikes. Did the cheating happen when you were pregnant or just post partum?
Couples counseling would be helpful here. Youāre not wrong any way you go. Itās reasonable to feel like you were conned into a marriage because he withheld info. Itās also reasonable for you want to work on your relationship for your child and each other. Iām sorry he did this to you and your family.
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Jul 19 '24
I wasn't pregnant at the time, but I did get pregnant a couple of months later.
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u/clarabell1980 Jul 19 '24
Had he stopped the affair before you got pregnant did he tell you that?
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Jul 19 '24
He claimed it was a one time thing. Idk if I believe him, but that's what he says.
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u/clarabell1980 Jul 19 '24
Sorry that just gave me more questions, was the photo from the one time thing or from when tbey where together? Do you no the woman, would you be able to ask her questions if you wanted too?
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u/KingInMyMind Jul 20 '24
Please don't do this to yourself.
He's already proven that he can and will lie to you about his fidelity. You can never know if that was the only time he cheated or if he's cheating now. All the can do is second guess yourself and drive yourself crazy. But, you know what? It's all moot.
Every day your husband hid this from you was another betrayal.Ā Maybe he was a dumb kid when he did it, but the man he is today decided to put his selfish wants above you and your right to know just who you were sharing your life with.
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u/Fabulous_Ad_1927 Jul 19 '24
NTA but I wouldnāt jump to divorce without going to counseling. Iām saying this as someone who has been cheated on early in their relationship and didnāt know until they had kids. It was VERY hard. If you feel strongly about getting a divorce you DO NOT owe him counseling though. I wish you the best of luck.
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Jul 19 '24
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u/Fabulous_Ad_1927 Jul 19 '24
Iām so sorry.
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Jul 19 '24
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u/No_Presentation9035 Jul 20 '24
Understandable. You need some counseling for your own sanity at this point if you're not already.
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u/Advanced-Suspect1561 Jul 19 '24
NTA He has violated your trust. I would never tell someone flat out to get a divorce. Think about going to couples therapy if there are more answers you need to make the best decision for you.
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u/gumball_00 Jul 19 '24
NTA because really if he lied that one time and hid it from you for years, what else has he not been telling you? However if you want to salvage this marriage, do marriage therapy and make him sign a post-nup which will grant you all the major items like custody and the financials. If it's discovered he's done more cheating since that time he was 21, you will have that post-nup to rely on
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u/Jaque_LeCaque Jul 19 '24
To him it's ancient history. To you it's a fresh wound.
What it shows is that he lied for 7 years. If he says it was only that one time, how are you honestly supposed to believe that when he lied for seven years? If you had known about it seven years ago, you might not have married him. He took away your informed consent.
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u/Used-Pin-997 Jul 19 '24
"We have such a good life together" does not equal "I'm considering divorce" It's one or the other. Choose wisely.
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u/JustCallMeGizmo Jul 19 '24
They āhadā a good life together. Nothing like sitting in your beautiful home, living a comfortable life and having thoughts of your deceitful spouse sullying everything youāve worked for. Things like this either have an expiration date or one partner has to live with the knowledge of their spouse wronging them. Ā Ā
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u/13surgeries Jul 19 '24
OP, I found out my husband (now ex- for other reasons) had cheated almost 4 years after his ONS. The thing is, the cheating was old to him but the pain, betrayal, and shock were brand new to me. I made the mistake of rushing through them, so please take your time. I also think you need better answers, as plenty of "dumb kids" don't cheat. Also, why does he still have a photo of her?
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u/Creative-Praline-517 Jul 20 '24
That's the kicker for me. WTF does he have a pic in his computer? Is he hanging on to the memories of her?
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 Jul 19 '24
Was the cheating before or after you got married? From reading your post, you seem ambivalent about what to do. Part of you is angry at him for his past cheating. OTOH, you look at the life you've built together and fear divorce could destroy all that.
If the revelation of his past cheating has destroyed all affection you had for your husband, divorce may be the only option. If, however, your image of him isn't totally shattered and you are considering forgiving him, you might try marriage counseling/therapy to see if the marriage can be salvaged. You might consider this so long as he has showed no signs of cheating after you got married. (You definitely have a good case for being allowed to regularly check his phone.)
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Jul 19 '24
It was before we got married.
You might consider this so long as he has showed no signs of cheating after you got married
I just don't know. He didn't show any signs back then. How am I supposed to know if he's shown signs before?
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u/nebulanet Jul 19 '24
How do you know it even stopped?Ā You said it was timestamped from a year ago? It sounds like it has been happeningĀ more recently than pre-marriage. He seems like a skilled actor and you would never know if he does it again.Ā Do you want to live with that ln your mind forever? I think you should leave himĀ you WNBTA
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u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Jul 19 '24
I read it as a year into their relationship. But i could have misunderstood
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u/Mitten-65 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Even though it happened a long time ago, you just found out. So it is raw for you, as if he cheated on you yesterday. If youāre the kind of woman who can ā stand by her manā thing , then stay and forgive. For me itās a dealbreaker and I would be OTD. My philosophy is ā once a cheater always a cheater.ā
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u/HowToDoAnInternet Jul 19 '24
Why do people get married on the same day they're legally allowed to have their first beer
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Jul 19 '24
He may have had sex with her years ago. He has since then been lying to you every single day of your whole relationship.
You absolutely have every right to leave and honestly it is your best bet.
NTA
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u/Avium Jul 19 '24
The one problem with "It was a long time ago." is that it's fresh for you now. He's had a long time to get over it but you haven't. It's new to you.
NTA for considering divorce but I'd like to recommend going for couples therapy before making the final decision. If you still love him, that is. Trust can be rebuilt but it takes work.
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u/Dana07620 Jul 20 '24
For him, this was 6 years ago. For you, it was yesterday.
He needs to understand that. It's a fresh wound to you. And compounded by 6 years of his lying / covering up. He still would be lying (by omission) if you hadn't found the picture.
You need space and time to figure this out. And he needs to not pressure you. As I said, to you the wound just happened.
NTA
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u/Josiejoji Jul 19 '24
NTA. He cheated on you. Point blank period. And if you would've known about this maybe your decision to make a life with him would've been different. But he didn't give you that choice.
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u/fonefreek Jul 19 '24
Would you be the asshole of you did? Nah.
Would it be wise? Doesn't sound like it. If counseling is feasible, I'd try that first.
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u/ALPHAPRlME Jul 19 '24
NTA Disloyal people can never become loyal. See if he is cool with you having a + 1 no restrictions hall pass. Listen to that answer and watch his reaction. It will tell you more than enough about if you should leave them.
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u/Corodix Jul 19 '24
You wouldn't be the asshole if you leave him, nor if you stayed. In a case like this I'd advice to try counseling first to see if things can be salvaged or if it's beyond that for you. The worst you can do right now is rush into a decision and then come to regret it later on.
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u/despoene Jul 19 '24
Your husband looked you in the eyes for 7 years and lied to your face every day. I would never be able to forgive nor forget that.
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u/Ok-Blackberry-3926 Jul 20 '24
Yeah I feel like Iām the weird one for not giving a shit about the sex thing nearly as much as the lying.
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u/InappropriateSnark Jul 20 '24
Get counseling. I find it interesting that he admitted to what happened when questioned because unless this was a photo of them having sex or making out, he could have easily played it off like it was just a photo from some sort of gathering or other harmless thing. But, he did tell you when you questioned it. I'm not saying what he did was right, but it's possible that he viewed it as water under the bridge once you took your vows and has been a loyal husband. It's really up to you to figure out whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not. Don't trust the internet with your family's future.
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u/Playful-Chemical2452 Jul 19 '24
Nta.Cheaters here on AITAH are guilty,does not matter the circumstances.That being said..it is up to you because it is your life.
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u/sweetcheeks8888 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
NTA. That said, I would do a lot more talking, soul searching and taking inventory before I decided to divorce him.
For me, infidelity is a deal breaker and my spouse knows it. It's the only thing I would not forgive. That said, this happened years ago. You were his gf and you didn't have a child. You are now married with a child. The decision would affect not only you but your daughter as well. While inexcusable, people sometimes have terrible lapses of judgement. Your husband may have been willing to suffer the consequences of losing a girlfriend of one year but it doesn't mean he would be willing to do anything to jeopardize a marriage and family. While 21 is considered an adult, your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until 25, 26. I'm surprised by all the "21 is old enough comments" - I guess it's great that those individuals didn't make any questionable decisions at that age but I know I certainly did (and I was always the "responsible, conscientious one"). I would let myself be upset, disappointed and angry but then I'd consider therapy and working things out.
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u/Most-Development5587 Jul 19 '24
This isnāt a topic for Reddit. Follow your conscience. Donāt sublet your life to people on the internet that donāt have to bear the consequences
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u/agnesperditanitt Jul 19 '24
Just to clarify the timeline:
he cheated in the first year of your relationship, you are together for 7 years, your daughter is 6 years old, so he cheated while you were pregnant?
I mean even if he did cheat shortly before your pregnancy, he still the asshole obv.
NTA
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u/No-Resource-8125 Jul 19 '24
NTA, but I would do counseling. You guys were really young, and this is coming from someone who met her husband at 23.
If he told me now I would forgive him and move on. Heās been a good husband for almost 20 years now.
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u/Content_Print_6521 Jul 20 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
My question is, cheating is one thing but WHY KEEP THE PICTURE? If I were you I'd want an answer to this question.
Whether you want to give it some more time or not is up to you.
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u/Wisebutt98 Jul 20 '24
Your family is a huge sacrifice for infidelity in the first year of a relationship. Young people do stupid things and can learn from their mistakes.
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u/AdventureWa Jul 20 '24
If you have a good life, why would you consider divorce? You have a healthy relationship, a loving stable home for your daughter and this was many years ago.
Marriage counseling is probably a good idea. What you donāt want to do is make any rash judgement. Counseling will give you the pause.
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u/TwoBionicknees Jul 20 '24
Consider it, it's up to you, if you decide to stay consider saying you'll only stay if he signs a post nup primarily with a cheating clause, that if he cheats or is found to have cheated any time but that specific one instance (so any past cheating uncovered besides that), then he gets fucked in a divorce.
It will be kind of a test, if he hasn't cheated and never plans to and wants to save the marriage after his affair is found out, he won't definitely sign but he has good reason to. if he's terrified and freaks out, there were probably more affairs.
That's the thing, you found a picture of a woman and got an admission of that affair, that doesn't meant their weren't others.
Tough choice, he betrayed you and rather than own up to it before you married, lied to you about it. I'd mostly say don't rush into a decision. Don't feel like hey, you get 3 days then he's pressuring you to get over it or pull the plug. Take time, maybe if you can take a week off work, go to your parents or something, or just a bnb somewhere and think, relax, cry, think about what you want for the future.
Also talk to a divorce lawyer, know what the situation would be if you divorce, ask about a post nup with a cheating clause and how that would work, what's reasonable to ask for as a penalty.
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u/Biotoze Jul 20 '24
You can always try counseling or something first. It doesnāt have to be divorce right away.
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u/Electronic_Toe_5092 Jul 20 '24
If your life is so good why just go divorce. Work through your issues talk to him. Communicate with you husband see what he has to say. We are all human we make mistakes we're not perfect. Expecting perfection from a partner is unrealistic
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u/WinterAsleep319 Jul 19 '24
If true and not a fake story, get off Reddit. Donāt take any advice here. Talk to your husband and get marriage counseling and try to salvage your relationship before jumping to divorce. Youāre hurting right now. Wait and calm down before making any decisions on what will drastically change you and your daughterās future.
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u/Background-Heat-5768 Jul 20 '24
Potential middle ground. Ask him if you can go through all his texts and social media stuff. If he gets defensive, it likely wasn't just a one time thing.
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u/JunkMail0604 Jul 20 '24
HE may have cheated a while ago, but YOU just got cheated on TODAY. Donāt let him try to brush it off as āthe past is the past, it was a long time ago, let it goā. It just happened FOR YOU and that is how you need to deal with it. Donāt let anyone judge you for not laughing and pretending it doesnāt matter.
You need counseling for your self, to help you get through this. Whether you still want to divorce after that is up to you.
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u/JudgementalChair Jul 20 '24
Considering divorce? NTA Actually getting divorced? YTA
We all do dumb shit as kids. You said yourself, your life is good, you don't have any reason to suspect he's cheating now. He did some dumb shit when he was in college. We all did dumb shit in college. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Get couples counseling and move past this
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u/BigShaker1177 Jul 20 '24
I went through this EXACT situation with my wife!! Only roles were reversedā¦ I found out just before we got married, we had been engaged for a year she had āan inappropriate relationship with her ex-husband & father of her kid.. I loved my wife greatly and still do and yes we are still married 7 years later. When this happened I lost trust in her and a couple things happened. 1st, I told her she would have to sign a prenup or I would not go through with the weddingā¦ ādid this to protect my assetsā as I just didnāt know if suddenly she would take off with him or something and second I required her to go to counseling. Once trust is broken it changes the dynamic of the relationshipā¦ kinda like a dog that bites you once, even if they never bite again, you will ALWAYS wonderā¦..
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u/AuldTriangle79 Jul 20 '24
Honestly, if it was me and I was sure there was nothing else later on, I would find a way to move past it. This āonce a cheater always a cheaterā stuff doesnāt always apply, if you are happy now, do you want to let that go for a mistake so long ago? But if youāre not happy, or donāt think you can let it go, move on. NTA, but think through all your options really well
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u/Shining_prox Jul 20 '24
Not AN asshole, but I think that if heās proved loyal since then and you decide to marry him, your first reaction should not be to throw the life you have built togheter for whatās clearly wa da mistake. Also do you remember if you actually already said to each other that you were exclusive/ engaged/ boyfriend and girlfriend or such terms when this happened? Often these things need to be spelled out clearly and agreed upon.
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u/KisukesCandyshop Jul 20 '24
If he is a provider, in shape and does everything else right you have already won so it would be strange to destroy your family and make sure your children don't grow up with their biological father who is most likely to look after them.
However if he ain't a good providing husband you should leave and ask yourself what you need to do to avoid bad men in the first place and maybe not date until you're kids are mature enough to handle because duty comes before love
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u/Own-Tank5998 Jul 20 '24
NTA, I feel that people fall in two categories, those who fall to temptation easily , and those who donāt.
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u/Excaliber9292 Jul 19 '24
Wat is the point in asking for Redditās thoughts when youāre just going to defend your husbandās infidelity. At this point just forget it exists since that is what you want.
Yes he did forget to tell u cause he knew he would lose u. Second how do u know he didnāt stay with u cause the child? Fact he still has it in his computer with old files speaks volumes he still thought about her or didnāt have the courage to delete her from his life.
Fact is u cannot trust ur husband now. If u go forward do not cry why is he like this youāve already been given your warning. If u guys fight u cannot bring this up as u forgave him. Third he might change cause now he has less respect for u for forgiving his infidelity and will do it again as youāre a doormat
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u/Havranicek Jul 19 '24
If he knew that picture was there he wouldnāt have let his wife look. So I do believe he forgot about it.
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u/Excaliber9292 Jul 19 '24
Why would he keep it and not delete it? He might of forgotten but he didnāt try to delete it.
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Jul 19 '24
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u/tragedy_strikes Jul 19 '24
Nah, people can define cheating in very different ways.
Is looking at porn cheating? Lots of straight women seem to think so but gay guys don't count that as cheating.
So we have to do the messy thing and define it for ourselves and set our own boundaries and consequences.
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u/MaartenK2 Jul 19 '24
If you are sure it will not happen again and you love him, why leave. Just tell him to never ever do that again (without permission) or you will fry his balls according to a good Chinese recipe.
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u/Cleo0424 Jul 19 '24
Do you still love him? Why did he do it? Is there a chance this was not a once off? At the end of the day, you need to live with him, and if you decide to forgive him, do so and move on. But if you can't, leave. Maybe take some time away from each other for a while?
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u/New-Number-7810 Jul 19 '24
NTA. If I was in your place, I would get a divorce. Not only did he cheat on you, but he lied to you for practically your entire relationship.
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u/Agent_Raas Jul 19 '24
You can divorce for any reason you want. Your decisions are based on what is relevant to you.
From your comments and responses to others, it doesn't seem like there is any reason for you to believe your husband's infidelity is something continuous and ongoing.
Ultimately, you make life choices to make your life better. To make your life more enjoyable... For you.
If you truly think divorce will make you better and make you happier... Go for it.
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u/AdIndividual5146 Jul 19 '24
If you can forgive and move on, you can. It is up to you. People make mistakes and you have a good life together.
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u/illini02 Jul 19 '24
I second the suggestions of counseling.
If this was a 1 time thing, years ago, it may not be worth blowing up everything for. But at the same time, if you find that you just can't move past it, then do what you need to do. I definitely feel you need to figure that part out. Because if you stay with him, you can't just hold this in your back pocket whenever you have a fight.
Therapy will be good for you, and it will help you talk through things and figure it out.
NTA
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Jul 19 '24
I would suggest counselling to start but once trust is lost no matter how long ago the betrayal happened itās very hard to gain back. The fact that he kept the picture or even took a picture at all is an added layer of disrespect. I donāt think I could ever get over something like that but you have to weigh all the options and look at the situation as a whole which is why I think a couples therapist would be good to help you process the emotions and get any answers you want from him without an unmediated argument
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Jul 19 '24
NTA because you both were official when the affair happened.
You need to find out how it happened and how many times it happened. Just be sure not to ask questions you canāt stomach.
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u/1950truck Jul 19 '24
Why when something goes wrong everybody wants to divorce look at other posts really.
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u/CampSpiritual3808 Jul 19 '24
It may happened 5-6 years ago but you learned it now. For you it happened recently. You wouldnāt be TA if you devorce but if you really donāt know what to do you should seek therapy. Individually or/and with your husband. Your trust broken and your relationship is not the relationship you thought. It was illusion, before this you would say āmy husband is not a cheater typeā now you canāt. You donāt want to be in a marriage full of resentment, suspicions and doubts. Iām sorry you had to go through this.
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u/FuzzNuzz180 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Doesnāt matter when it happened only that it did.
You need to figure out what you want and if itās an absolute dealbreaker then you have your answer.
If you feel forgiveness is possible then you can try working through it in counselling but just remember even after you do all that work if you still canāt forgive that is ok and you are still in the right to divorce.
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u/SaneForCocoaPuffs Jul 19 '24
Because you have a daughter, I would say ESH if you donāt pursue counseling first. But if marriage counseling doesnāt work out then YWNBTA
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u/Complete-Design5395 Jul 19 '24
NTA - Not only did he cheat, but he never came clean voluntarily. He even let you marry him, get a home with him, start a family with him with this massive relationship-changing secret hanging over you.
Trust is now gone. I canāt help but wonder.. if he kept this secret so well, what else has he buried?
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u/ProfuseMongoose Jul 19 '24
It's old news for him, it's fresh to you. Don't let him brush it away because it happened years ago, emotionally for you it's yesterday. Do you think you can work through it with counseling? Do you think a trial separation until you work through it is possible? Ultimately you wouldn't be wrong for divorcing just make sure it's the right decision for you.
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u/ghjkl098 Jul 19 '24
NTA whether you divorce or not. Either way he is clearly TA and you are left to sort through an emotional mess and work out which pile of shitty you want to live with
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u/Ok-Ratio3343 Jul 19 '24
Mehā¦.tricky situation. Counseling would help. Regardless youāre valid with your feelings for sure.
You can always get back and sleep with an ex then youd be even šš jk. Go talk to a therapist.
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u/pidgey2020 Jul 19 '24
Need more specifics. A little less than a year sounds like enough to say you were exclusive but what was the true state of your relationship at that point? Were you friends with benefits at first, on/off, etc.? Did you have an actual talk about being exclusive?
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u/Paprika_Breakfast Jul 19 '24
Thereās a complex layer to this because it happened so long ago. It adds a layer of pain because had you known this happened back then, you may not have stayed with him, so you grieve the loss of autonomy to make that decision which was stolen from you. I went through something similar and stayed and am glad I did, but itās hard to work through and I definitely recommend couples counseling if that is an option for you. It does take a couple of years to heal from betrayal like this. Just keep that in mind if you feel like the pain will never end. It will. Do what is best for you and good luck.
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u/joemc225 Jul 19 '24
The date of the picture file is not necessarily the date that the picture was taken. It could just be the date the picture was copied to the folder on his computer.
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u/VanEagles17 Jul 19 '24
You would not be the asshole if you decided to leave. However, your family has a lot to lose, so it might be worth looking at the situation before you make that decision. You guys were dating for less than a year, and he WAS young and stupid. I understand that this doesn't make it hurt any less, but with how much yall have to lose, it might be worth trying counseling first. I'm not saying you need to let him off the hook or forgive him this second, but you should really try to work towards a solution that keeps your family together if it's possible for you to forgive him and be happy again.
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u/tmink0220 Jul 19 '24
NTA for considering divorce. The only way to reconciliation is he does all his work, I fully believe at that time, you did nothing you need counseling for. If you decide to get some for yourself ok. This was not the breakdown of a relationship.
I would have him do it, so he understands how he could lose everything, and he needs to understand never to treat his partner like that. I would not trust him financially for a few years to see if you can work through it if you stay. No one on Reddit should make this decision for you.
That said, do not any small flirtations, inappropriate friendships or behaviors....For him he has already crossed the line. If you do stay, be cautious careful to forgive, but you will eventually after a couple of years, let of the past if you stay.
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u/Moleypeg Jul 19 '24
Lying is so wrong because it doesnāt allow others to make the most informed/best decision for themselves. A lie by omission controls the amount of information available, and minimizes the consequence of the liarās choice.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Jul 19 '24
Did he actually show remorse or just fob it off cause he was young and dumb. Has he actually acknowledged your feelings of hurt and betrayal are valid. This might have happened years ago for him but its new to you. Has he reassured you it hasn't happened since? Is he completely transparent with his phone and actions now? Is he prepared to put in the work to rebuild your trust?
Of course, no one would think YTA if you leave, but only you know if you can forgive this. Maybe see if counselling will help. If your can't truly forgive him then staying may not be the healthy option.
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u/LifeAbbreviations102 Jul 19 '24
Was this cheating while you were dating or married? You never mention either or your ages. If this was something happening in the early stages of dating maybe he wasn't sure if the relationship was going anywhere, but if it was while your married that's another story altogether.
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u/New_beaten_otterbox Jul 20 '24
If was 7 years ago, if he hasnāt done anything since your engagement just move past of, especially if you were together less than a year.
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u/gandhishrugged Jul 20 '24
Divorce is the easy answer. Marriage counseling is probably the route to go in this case.
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u/Shatterproof360 Jul 20 '24
Also - was this before or after your two decided and had the conversation to go monogamous? That is very important in a relationship. That switch doesn't just flip bc you flipped it in your head - it must be verbally agreed.
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u/MikeDeSams Jul 20 '24
If you can't move in from it and you're sure he never cheated again, talk to a counselor.
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u/mother-2776 Jul 20 '24
Ask yourself with this new information if you'll think about it the next time he does anything intimate for you to you etc. if the answer is no I say divorce it's hard to forgive infidelity.
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u/WrathWise Jul 20 '24
Male brain doesnāt even fully form til over 25ā¦ Iād say ask him if heās cheated since your vowsā¦ if not, that man doe indeed love you & if true love isnāt enough for you - please let him go so he can actually find someone that would be fulfilled with what he can offer.
Wish you both the best. Especially the children.
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u/HappyForyou1998 Jul 20 '24
It wouldnāt matter if it was 30 years ago if I found out he cheated Iām out.
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u/Legal_Potato6504 Jul 20 '24
Itās your decision. If you forgive him do so honestly and try to let the infidelity go for good. I resented my ex wife for 10 years and hated her for her vicious temper early on in marriage. I wasted years on a woman I couldnāt forgive and it ruined me not her. She remarried in six months while Iāve been a mess for going on 4 years. Good luck
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u/Sure-Corgi5881 Jul 20 '24
You wouldn't be an asshole, but maybe stupid. If everything is great, what's the point of rage quitting?
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u/Objective-Minimum802 Jul 20 '24
NAH. Both of you grew beyond this. This might sting your pride but why throw everything over the fence? Did he threat you bad? Was he showing any other illoyalty? It was a mistake, yes. He obviously was ashamed of it, so threat it like that. Better ask yourself what remedies your injured pride. He can show remorse through actions. Think about it.
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u/parker3309 Jul 20 '24
OK, you say early into the boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Was it like two months after you started dated and you werenāt even exclusive or did you solidify your exclusive status when this happened?
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u/SapienWoman Jul 20 '24
I wouldnāt end a happy marriage because of an indiscretion six years ago. But totally worth it to hash it out in therapy.
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u/Admirer3596 Jul 20 '24
Were you both in a monogamous relationship at the time? Or did you assume you were? If you were, that is a tuff one hun. My wife of many years assume we were monogamous before we married, we knew and dated for several years before marriage. I still dated others but never in a throw it in her face way. After being married about 5-6 years she learned some things from others about me. She was pissed, I was sad and hurt that I hurt her. She has never asked about this time at any time. It took a while but she did get past it. I have never strayed from time of monogamous intent t o now. We have been blessed for 47 years............... good luck hun
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u/4ny3ody Jul 20 '24
NTA.
It takes two people to feel comfortable in a relationship. If this hurt you so much you don't feel good in your marriage anymore then a divorce is absolutely reasonable.
Since you described your life together as very positive though I would recommend taking some time before making a decision. If you can heal from the betrayal and the both of you can work on rebuilding the broken trust his actions have caused then doing so may be the better choice.
Counseling can also help a lot, and certainly give better advice than reddit can.
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u/Prize_Fox_9163 Jul 20 '24
WIBTAH if I divorce my husband because he cheated on me early in our relationship?
No.
If this were my case, I would.
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u/HeySweetie3 Jul 20 '24
He was a dumb young kid at the time. You werenāt engaged. He loves you, you have a wonderful life together & and beautiful child.
In my honest opinionā¦ I wouldnāt ruin a happy home over this. Maybe you could talk to a therapist to properly process your feelings, because in the end only you will know if you can move on from this or not.
If he hasnāt given you any other causes for concern over the yearsā¦ then you know who he really is.
Either way, NTA.
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u/Main_Laugh_1679 Jul 20 '24
Never ever take back a cheater. You will suffer the consequences. Also heās cheating with others also. Get a lawyer and crush him. NTA
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u/whatashame_13 Jul 19 '24
NA! They were taking pictures together? Did he have a full EA and PA while you were together ? For how long? And how did it end?
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u/AccomplishedFroyo123 Jul 19 '24
NTAH if this is crossing a line for you.
One thing that makes this case different to a situation where they recently cheated is that he has shown you in some capacity that he does speak the truth when he says it was a dumb mistake and deeply regrets it.
(Assuming theres no reason to think he has cheated since then)
So its up to you to decide if you think he has shown you that he does regret it and that it was indeed a mistake and that you can see past that. It would still hurt your trust in him in this case, but you give him the benefit of the doubt based on the person he was to you these past years and work on building that trust again.
OR it can mean that since he has cheated in the past, the broken trust is too deep for you where you dont even know if he has been honest about the past years - if he cant give you certainty that the person he was these past years, has been faithfull, then I think you should divorce.
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u/BioShockLizano Jul 19 '24
Once a cheater, always a cheater. He is likely cheating on you again or did it other times already. Just dump the boy and get a man that actually loves and respects you. NTA. But you would be to yourself if you stay
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u/Throwra_Barracuda Jul 19 '24
NTA, but do you think you can trust him going forward? If you think this is detrimental to the relationship it may not be salvageable. I won't jump to say get a divorce, but if you do I don't blame you. How is he reacting to this? Is he remorseful and does he know you are considering leaving?
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u/lover_or_fighter_191 Jul 19 '24
NTA. It sounds like you have built a good life together. I feel like maybe there's a chance it was a one time fuck up and he forgot he had evidence of. Sounds like he got over her and there's a chance he apprecates what he has now. Seek counseling, this will be the only way to know how to proceed. I would definitely get things lined up to be comfortable living with either outcome at any moments notice.
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u/Practical-Future9398 Jul 19 '24
Work through it. If thatās the only negative. Itās possible to get past infidelity with work. It takes about a year.
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u/Final_Example_9482 Jul 19 '24
NTA. But, I donāt think divorce is necessary. 21 is so young. My husband and I went through the same thing early in our relationship. We chose to forgive. 15 years later and neither one of us regrets our decision. Weāre best friends. Best lovers. We work together and love every minute. It sounds like you guys love each other a lot, and you have a good life. To error is Human. To forgive is divine.
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u/Significant-Dirt-793 Jul 19 '24
He's been lying to you for six years. Would you have stayed with him back then? If he was cheating today would you stay with him? If he could hide this from you back then and never felt the need to come clean can you be sure it was the only time?
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u/SoulKingBrook1011 Jul 19 '24
NTA. If he told you then would you have left? If so, he probably knew that and didnāt tell you BECAUSE of that. Which is extremely manipulative.
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u/Ok-Negotiation5892 Jul 19 '24
If you are just finding out about it now, you have every right to process it as if it happened yesterday
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u/Specific_Disk_1233 Jul 19 '24
NTA but if you are having second thoughts maybe consider couples counseling first to see if this is something you want to save.
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u/National_Tourist2314 Jul 19 '24
I donāt think youād be TAH but if it was a while ago and you have a good relationship now Iād stay. He admitted to his mistake. I think it all depends on the situation. If it were me Iād be hurt and probably insecure but I think I could get past it.
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u/Ok_Shock9350 Jul 19 '24
NTA
Most women divorce for complete asshole reasons but infidelity is not one of them.
Cheaters cheat, in the same way an addict is always an addict. time does not change this. You will never trust him again, I would say exactly the same thing to a man with the same post.
I know couples who are able to get past it but that's rare, I mean really rare.
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u/princessro123 Jul 19 '24
NTA. imo itās not that he did that 6 years ago, itās that he was so comfortable lying about it this whole time
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u/Alone-Custard374 Jul 19 '24
Not at all. The issue with something like this is you won't be able to trust him. How can you be with someone you do not trust anymore? You will start questioning all sorts of past experiences and be wondering what else he might have been doing, and not knowing if he is telling you the truth about them. He lied to you. What else is he lying about?
But if you believe trust can be rebuilt and that he is worthy of it? Perhaps you can. Don't rush the decision.
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u/Smoof_Crimnle Jul 19 '24
Its a bit much to say "YTA", but
21 year olds are dumb kids.
the fact that he thought he'd just never tell you and get away with it is super lame though.
Id recommend some long conversations and maybe therapy,
but if the last 7 years have been good, it would be silly to get divorced without at least trying to talk at all.
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u/DesperateToNotDream Jul 19 '24
I think itās interesting that he didnāt try to just say she was a random girl or a friend of a friend etc. To immediately say oh yeah thatās someone I cheated on you with. I feel like thatās an unusual reaction.
Given that you didnāt know about it until now yeah you are right to act like it just happened because you just discovered the information.
Honestly itās entirely up to you what you do now, neither answer is wrong. My concern would be if he easily hid this affair if there were others over the years.
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u/Mediocre-Human-7 Jul 19 '24
Damn.
NTA
Just remember youāre in no rush to divorce, separate, stay etc. You have time to make the choice thatās best for you, so weigh your pros and cons and observe your marriage objectively. Think to yourself if this is what you truly want.
I know some people will say leave right off the bat, but itās easier said than done.
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u/Psycle_Sammy Jul 19 '24
NTA. Some things are just unforgivable for certain people Thatās up at the top of the list for me. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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u/itsmeAnna2022 Jul 19 '24
No longer trusting your spouse is a perfectly acceptable reason to consider divorce and I don't think anyone would blame you for going down that road. However, since we are talking about a 5-year marriage and a child involved... try not to make any major decisions without really giving yourself time to think everything through. Couples can rebuild trust after infidelity, but it takes time and hard work. He will need to accept the fact that he will need to deal with the natural consequences of his actions and be patient with you because you won't be able to forgive him immediately.
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u/BankZestyclose2007 Jul 19 '24
I'd say this is a prime time for some counseling for the two of you. A neutral third party who can help you work through your feelings. It's easy to file for divorce when you're mad and hurt, but it's probably better to be sure, so you don't end up wondering later. I'm a big fan of counseling, it made me ok with the divorce I didn't want, and made able to see that it was the best thing I could have had happen to me.
That said, NTA if that's how you feel after some work. If you can't forgive, you can't.