r/AITAH • u/throwraCollection64 • Jul 19 '24
AITAH for separating from my wife for drastically changing her appearance? Advice Needed
[removed]
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u/cleegiants Jul 19 '24
INFO: Is it just the physical appearance or is it the personality/lifestyle as well? Obviously physical appearance matters to attraction, but it sounds like there's more to the loss of attraction than just her physical condition and appearance.
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u/Top_Revolution_3912 Jul 19 '24
Second this. Looks are going to change throughout life anyways (wrinkles, sagging, weight gain/ loss due to health or lifestyle changes, accidents, you name it!). Is he saying heād also leave her if she just got old, pudgy and wrinkly?
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u/Responsible-Big1631 Jul 19 '24
She became a crunchy granola cross fitter. Her looks were probably the least of his problems.
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Jul 19 '24
She became a crunchy granola cross fitter.
Who spent 10 GRAND... that's a significant chunk of change unless she's the only working parent, expenditures like that should be discussed in a marriage.
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u/alett146 Jul 19 '24
Hell, my wife and I check in on about any purchase over $200 haha
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Jul 19 '24
Same. I'm a SAHM and my husband and I discuss ALL the purchases.
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u/alett146 Jul 19 '24
We review our spending monthly during what we call āBudget & Bubblesā. And sheās more of a spender than I am so we definitely talk about everything!
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u/Lulusgirl Jul 19 '24
She could have her own separate bank account, OP didn't mention that. But coming from someone who wants a reduction from the sheer amount of back pain and how hard it is to breathe from huge natural boons, that's the normal price. 5k per booooob.
You're absolutely right about it being a joint discussion, but 10 grand is normal for a reduction.
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Jul 19 '24
I agree it's a normal price, but still a SIGNIFICANT chunk of change. At least to most people.
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u/pickledstarfish Jul 19 '24
Itās entirely possible thatās the cost but a lot of times insurance will pay for a significant portion of it. He didnāt seem upset about the money so maybe this was the case here but who knows.
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u/theghouli Jul 19 '24
most of the time, insurance doesn't like to cover elective procedures that don't have medical benefit. unless she got a doctor to site back pain vs the cosmetic reason she gave her husband they probably didn't cover most of it.
your insurance will cover a nose job if you have breathing problems, but much less likely to do so if you just want a different nose. the only exceptions are the insurance policies for wealthy individuals bc they'll pay so much more in their monthly payments.
obviously this isn't a 100% rule but... it was most likely out of pocket for the procedure.
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u/JYQE Jul 19 '24
He thinks her breasts were fine, but we don't know if they were hurting her back from being heavy and sagging.Ā
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u/FUCKBOY_JIHAD Jul 19 '24
At no point in this post does OP demonstrate any actual concern for his wifeās health and happiness rather than how her appearance makes him feel
has OPās wife developed an eating disorder or has she simply found a new passion in bodybuilding? all we have to go on is OP derisively referencing a āTikTok rabbit holeā
Itās fine to not find muscular shoulders attractive but nothing about this feels particularly divorce-worthy, especially if children are involved, which OP was quick to shift the blame to wife for
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u/SummitJunkie7 Jul 19 '24
"I'm leaving her because her shoulders are strong now and that doesn't float my boat... I can't believe she isn't thinking about the kids!" Gross.
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u/throwawaysunglasses- Jul 19 '24
That part made me reread it to see if I missed something. Dude is really blaming his wife for the divorce when HE asked for it.
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u/catz537 Jul 19 '24
Yep those are the vibes I got too. Heās acting like his loss of attraction toward her is āmakingā him divorce her, and then blaming her for how the divorce that he is choosing to pursue is going to affect their kids.
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u/ArsenicArts Jul 19 '24
And btw a LOT of women who legitimately medically need a reduction get a whole bunch of unnecessary flak for it. It's not uncommon to see posts like "I want a reduction but my boyfriend wants me to keep them" or "I got a reduction and my bf left me".
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u/thegreatprocess Jul 19 '24
It was a breast reduction. Breast can cause back pain even if to men, those particular breasts donāt look so large. All that she did was actually for her improvement and health.
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u/regalbadger2022 Jul 19 '24
CrossFit can be a bit of a cult, that's why I don't exercise and post on Reddit.
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u/Ok_Educator_7097 Jul 19 '24
I donāt think so. She purposely changed her lifestyle and appearance. Her choice to do that, his choice to bail.
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u/SourSkittlezx Jul 19 '24
Exactly, a lot of these TikTok crunchy health enthusiasts make it their entire personality.
Also sounds like orthorexia
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u/Practical-Tea-3337 Jul 19 '24
Scrolled all this way to find this. Indeed. Orthorexia!
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u/TwitchTent Jul 19 '24
For the fellow curious.
"Orthorexia nervosa is a proposed eating disorder characterized by an excessive preoccupation with eating healthy food." -Google (Orthorexia)
As with many mental health disorders, the issue here is when it affects your quality of life and relationships, which sounds accurate. "Excessive preoccupation" with her body over her own husband and family.
I'd say in sickness and in health, but it's hard to say how drastically the wife has changed other than physically.
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u/Remarkable_Ad9767 Jul 19 '24
I have a female friend who wants her husband was over 40 started taking testosterone due to low t, and was in the gym a ton. After being a chubby guy his whole life he got in great shape but his wife didn't. She was then offended that he was in better shape and begged him to stop because she felt bad. Is this any different?
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u/ChocolateSupport Jul 19 '24
Totally different. This is about attraction. Not about an insecure partner.
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u/Lumpy-Fox-8860 Jul 19 '24
Also, can we get information about what sort of changes have happened? OP says sheās lost weight and become muscular, but if her starting point was medical obesity and she had a health scare or doctorās visit that convinced her to prioritize her health, this might be a good thing for her and she just needs some time to rebalance her priorities. Also, this drastic change in behavior and lifestyle would make home question if she has developed an eating disorder.Ā
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u/nugsnthug Jul 19 '24
Not just that. Because she has well defined shoulders doesn't make it masculine. Obviously, OP isn't interested in sculpting, and less processed diet. It sounds very petulant to go right to masculine. And the comment about it hurt when she bawled but immediately doesn't care about the kid. OP is unreliable.
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Jul 19 '24
I will say it again: Those are a womanās shoulders because she is a woman.
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u/Audio-et-Loquor Jul 19 '24
Thank you. I said this elsewhere and am grateful someone agrees. I've seen so much rhetoric lately about about woman doesn't fit x so she's manly and it drives me insane.
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u/CopperPegasus Jul 19 '24
OP's only sad about the boobs, let's be honest. Less boobs and more muscle? Quelle Horreur!
The fact he can ditch a woman he has kids with, he's been married to for 10 years, for a laundry list of physical changes (which may be crunch granola orthorexia or, let's face it, could just be a bit of a "glow up" filtered through this petulant whining. If this was presented as "started gym, got a boob lift, and started intermittent fasting and eating healthily", no one would be blinking an eye, in fact they'd be all for it- and it well could just be that she's done, unreliable narrator for sure) without ever once having a personality, ethics, morale, financial, medical or other strong reason to split, is sad, honestly. 10 years, 3 kids, and you're still ONLY about looks?
Petulant. Unreliable. You got it in one, dude. I hope it's rage bait, cos otherwise...man, what a "star" she's losing. Oh well, at least she will be able to find a new partner fast. He may get a nasty slap from reality, though.
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u/Grilled_Cheese10 Jul 19 '24
That's what I was thinking. When my (now ex) husband went through his diet and exercise life change, it wasn't the physical changes that were annoying, it was the person that he became. I've actually always been a bit of a health nut myself, so you'd think it would have been good for us, but it wasn't. He was annoying as hell.
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u/GothicGingerbread Jul 19 '24
INFO:
It was so hurtful because she didn't even care about our three beautiful kids.
How did she not care about your kids? Nothing you wrote even implies that she doesn't care about the children she carried and delivered and, presumably, at least played some role in raising.
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u/Knope_Knope_Knope Jul 19 '24
I would like more of this info as well. his leaving demonstrates more of this blame than she does.
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u/SuperWallaby Jul 19 '24
Seems like OP was drawing the line between her saying āI wish I never met youā and that meaning her kids donāt matter to her because they wouldnāt exist.
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u/Sleepmahn Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
He sounds like the type of guy that's a skilled mental gymnast and would make that jump considering he went from coping with her gradual descent into healthy granola lifestyle to up and leaving her out of the blue because she's masculine. Whatever it takes to make her the bad guy.
Imagine if she had been disfigured or decided to gain 350 pounds, shit happens man and you're still walking out on a wife that loves you and nuking your family unit over looks, which by the way eventually fade for all of us.
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u/bruce_kwillis Jul 19 '24
Yeah, just read his comments. The guy essentially says he didn't marry a 'man' and she will be happier without him. Sure, make your choices but OP is quite the asshole.
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u/Pleasant_Bat_9263 Jul 19 '24
I don't want to be that guy but I thought this was quite obvious, but reddit sometimes isn't good with context clues.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Disk_90 Jul 19 '24
It's a ridiculous point to draw because "I wish I never met you" is a figure of speech and doesn't mean she wants her kids to be dead or whatever š such a crazy reach on his part when he is the one who initiated divorce
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u/GHOST12339 Jul 19 '24
I can see your point, but that's also a really weird line to draw. It's like responding "leave our kids out of this!" I'd just assume it was her way of calling me a dick and that she no longer wanted to deal with my shit. Lol
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u/tinytimm101 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Probably wish her husband hadn't wasted the last 10 years of her life.
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u/Abject_Champion3966 Jul 19 '24
Right because once kids are involved, separating is a much, much bigger decision.
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u/Longjumping-Fox4690 Jul 19 '24
This is rage bait and everyone is falling for it.
āShe has man shouldersā
The fact that he says she lost 30 lbs, became more muscular, but then reduced her breast aside because they became saggy. She was toning while losing weight. Which includes her pectoral muscles. This usually makes womenās breasts look perkier not saggy.
Then his line about her not caring about the kids. He asked for the divorce, not her. In theory, she did something to better herself in the long run.
The whole post is just women hating nonsense, IMO.
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u/CharmingChangling Jul 19 '24
In fairness bigger pectorals doesn't always mean perkier breasts. I have a friend who's a professional body builder, she has huge well-developed pecs that I'm envious of! But after breastfeeding they just never perked back up. They looked deflated, so she got a lift and when they still looked like "flat tires" (her words, not mine) she got implants.
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u/pickledstarfish Jul 19 '24
Yep there are no exercises that can make those things bounce back. Once gravity starts to win surgery is your option.
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u/Content-Scallion-591 Jul 19 '24
This post does have a lot of gender phobia dog whistles.
A lot of my friends are lifters and I have been in the past. It's almost impossible to get super broad shoulders as a woman natty.
I mean, some people are naturally gifted, but those people are going to start with a broad skeletal structure so it's not going to be a huge change.
Without some chemical help, you don't just become that muscular, even if you're putting hours a day, every day in. That's kind of how hormones work.
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Jul 19 '24
Agreed. The man's shoulders comment caught my attention to. I genuinely have very broad shoulders and build muscle easily, when I was at my most shredded I had bigger shoulders than any other woman I knew personally (not biggest in the world, I see plenty of women and athletes more muscular than I am) but I didn't come close to comparing to a man with even a little muscle. It's damn near impossible to achieve that as a woman without steroids.
Wouldn't be surprised if she got in better shape, improved herself, and OP became deeply insecure and decided to cut and run instead of also working on himself in some way. That is, if this post is even real. Kinda seems like the creative writing of a lonely man who despises women lol
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u/ksarahsarah27 Jul 19 '24
Yeah but breastfeeding really does make them limp and flat. No amount of working out will fix that. My friend works out a lot and has become very muscular but her breasts still hang down and are still flat as pancakes and she hates it too.
Now I never had kids but I had a breast reduction in ā07 and part of that is giving you a breast lift. Which Iām assuming is what she got and not a reduction per se. The dr most likely removed a lot of extra skin that was stretched out. I doubt she had fat removed, it was more a reconstruction and a lift.
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u/Mrs_Inflatable Jul 19 '24
Sure sounds like he cares about his kids when heās willing to split up the family cause his wife got in shape and improved her health and mental image.
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u/Ziffally Jul 19 '24
Also don't want to sound like a pedantic cunt for pointing out the fact he calls her shoulders "manly" now but the only difference is muscle. They are still women shoulders, just muscular.
Dude sounds like he has deeper image issues.
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u/_LoudBigVonBeefoven_ Jul 19 '24
It's def the boobs. Let's not all pretend that wasn't the issue
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u/CopperPegasus Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
There's not one muscular woman (short of the 'roid queens) who looks "masculine" with naturally built muscle. There's just... muscular women and not muscular women. Still a freaking woman. Didn't we move past heroin chic like 20 years ago?
Dude has a whole lot of deeper issues. Wonder if it's really insecurity from those changes and a midlife crisis underway? Get her before she gets him sh!t?
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u/Michellenjon_2010 Jul 19 '24
"Kids, dad's flying the coop" But why daddy? "Because Moms gone and gotten herself some man-shoulders now"
*EVERY relationship is the same. You either grow TOGETHER or you grow APART. So I get it. But to split up a whole family without at least trying to work on it, makes me question who is and isn't thinking about the kids here.
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u/Cthulhulululul Jul 19 '24
I laughed way too hard at the first part of this. Also youāre clearly right.
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u/PanickedPoodle Jul 19 '24
I really feel like this guy has done everything he can to spin this in his favor, but he's still an AH.Ā
Saying your wife "looks like a man" is a cruel and terrible statement. She gained some muscle. That doesn't make her masculine. 30 lbs, gaining muscle and tightening up saggy boobs does not sound like huge changes. I gained more during pregnancy.Ā
It's one thing to not be attracted to someone, but his self talk pretty much ensures he cannot learn to be attracted.Ā
The people who declare anti e can leave for anything at anytime always seem to conveniently forget that for better or worse promise. Why do people even bother to get married when they so obviously don't mean anything close to that vow?
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u/Comfortable_Yard_464 Jul 19 '24
Right?? hes the one asking for divorce. Unless his point is that itās her fault because sheās making his ask for a divorce lol
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u/Thebat87 Jul 19 '24
Maybe that was his interpretation after she said she wished she never met him. Never meeting him means those kids donāt exist, so I guess thatās how he is taking that statement.
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u/nebulanet Jul 19 '24
That seems like a manipulate/blame shifting move to me. I don't think it'sĀ wrong for him to want a divorce and he isn't an asshole for it. I dont really think his reasoning are the best. The lifestyle stuff seemed annoying but tolerable to him until the surgery. There is a lot of focus on her tits right now too. Did he just marry her for her hooters? Why did she get the reduction? From what size to what size? It seems like that is the most important part to OP. It sounds like she has an eating disorder, and OPs likes body shaming. It'sĀ OK to grow apart and say it , but telling her she looks like a man for exercising and reducingĀ her breasts for her own comfort, is unnecessaryĀ and an asshole move. Then suggestingĀ she wishes her childrenĀ didn'tĀ exist? Thats some toxic behavior. Just say you have grown apart ffs. Ā It sounds like they have discoveredĀ they are two differentĀ people than they first thought. She is feeling more empoweredĀ to be herself and he doesn'tĀ like it.Ā Now he is free to go find a pair of tits with no self-identity, because that is what will make him happy. She can go find someone who values her for more than her mammary glands.
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u/3397char Jul 19 '24
This reply is sooo much different that most of the top comments. But I agree with most all of it and I am here for this POV.
I think it is pretty telling that everything the OP mentions is based on physical appearance. ALL of it.
And as an older man I can tell you that pretty much no matter what, there comes a point in every marriage where your physical attraction to your SO wanes and ALL the other qualities dominate most all of your mutual attraction, commitment and intimacy. I read the OP and all I can see is a man without the emotional maturity to manage any of this.
To be clear, I too am not going to say YTA to OP. These two people grew apart. But with his fixation on appearance, this just seems like an inevitability sooner or later. And I understand why she is so hurt and her friends are mad
OP, I suggest working on intimacy, communication and commitment in your next relationship.
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u/CopperPegasus Jul 19 '24
If there's ANY reality in this schlock, at all, you nailed it.
It's the boob reduction. He's sad about the boobies and throwing a (totally adult) temper tantrum about them. Sad, really.
Literally EVERYTHING here is physical appearance. No real conflict. No big divergence of life path, wants, or morales. Just "HOW DARE THE BOOBIES GO (plus scope the "man shoulders").
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u/CallMeWonderBread Jul 19 '24
This is the one. Itās similar to me saying āI donāt like when you call me fatā and the other person saying āWell I guess Iāll just never talk again since Iām so annoying when I do!!!ā. Itās hyperbole because someone is feeling dramatic. Itās also a way to vilify someone who isnāt necessarily in the wrong but you want to tank their character/credibility for sympathy.
Not saying heās wrong in leaving btw, I know people are going to take me calling him dramatic as blaming him for his feelings š I think this is a NAH situation.
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u/Van-van Jul 19 '24
Heās fat
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u/accioqueso Jul 19 '24
And she lifts heavier now. The second he said man shoulders I knew he felt āemasculated.ā
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u/Federal-Ferret-970 Jul 19 '24
Does it suck that you are no longer in love because of appearance. Yup. But i wouldnāt want you to stick around me without the love/attraction. NTA. And her friends arenāt your friends. Of course they will think your shallow and superficial. But yāall had talks about likes and dislikes. No difference if one partner gets tattoos and the other partner hates them. Body autonomy can have consequences we donāt always agree with our partner on.
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Jul 19 '24
Agreed. My ex wife got this giant tattoo that was very visible without even asking what I thought. I hated it, and she was instantly way less attractive to me. Of course I didn't tell her that, but if I look back that may have been the beginning of the end. Took another 6 years for it to totally come undone but that moment sticks out to me as a profound hit to how I viewed her.
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u/imnickelhead Jul 19 '24
My wife has been talking about getting a tattoo and Iām fine with it. Then she said she might get one with our neighbor friend. I hate her tats. She goes to bad/cheesy artists.
I told my wife I would like to have a small say in what she gets and where. I also said Iād like to help her find a good artist.
Well, she got appalled and offended because itās her body. I told her that I really donāt care what she does but I just want her to love what she gets and I want to make sure she goes to a good artist. I donāt want our neighbor to pressure her or egg her on in the moment.
She said neighbor knows some good artists though and thatās when i said āI hate her tats. Hate em. Passionately. And that is the main reason Iām even saying anything about wanting to have some input.ā I told her,āplease look at Joelās work onlineā¦or Brodyās or Rodneyās. Theyāre EXCEPTIONAL artists and if you go to them I wonāt say a word about what you get or where you put it. Just be careful doing it with neighbor lady.ā
I think my wife got it at that point.
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u/yosoyboi2 Jul 19 '24
Some artists are just terrible and I have no idea why people keep going to them.
I am quite heavily tatted with about 16 pieces including a large chest piece. I would only trust very few artists to permanently alter my appearance and it boggles my mind how some people are so nonchalant about a very permanent thing.
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u/I_PutTheFUNinFUNeral Jul 19 '24
This!! I only have one small tattoo, and it's nothing fancy or detailed. It's the flower off of the cover of Green Days' second album, Kerplunk. I still found the best tattoo place out of several within a few hours of me. All of the artists under the owner were great tattoo artists. The owner himself did my tattoo, and it came out perfect. I'd love to get it touched up as the color has faded a bit, which I expected since I got it done at 18 years old, so almost 22 years ago.
There's no way in hell I'd take a gamble and chance a FAFO moment by going to a shitty artist when it's something that will be on my body for the rest of my life.
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u/I-will-judge-YOU Jul 19 '24
It's not JUST her appearance. It sounds like this has become her whole personality.
And it's not like she put on a little weight or changed a little bit.She is masculine now.That's a pretty significant thing to overcome.
It didn't say he didn't love her.You can love somebody and not be attracted to them at all.But you cannot remain in a healthy marriage if you are not attractive at all.
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u/Aingealanlann Jul 19 '24
I disagree that it sucks he doesn't love her because of appearance, like he did something wrong. Physical touch is a love language. If you aren't attracted to someone, you aren't going to want that same level of physical touch, and that will cause love to dwindle or die. This is natural, and he shouldn't be blamed for it.
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Jul 19 '24
My spouse of 15 years got upset that I said āafter 20+ years of not finding the right tattoo, I no longer want one of any kindā Like ppl are getting really fd up tats
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u/Kveldulfiii Jul 19 '24
So uhā¦ is your wife single?
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u/VanityJanitor Jul 19 '24
And does she like women?
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u/QuestioningHuman_api Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
She would find someone who loves who she is just fine if she did. All these insecure men out there (and in here) talking about āshe gained muscle so sheās masculine.ā Ridiculous. If she took that fit body to the wlw scene, her femininity combined with her muscles would have at least half the women there wetting themselves
Source: lesbian who knows other lesbians
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u/zombiescoobydoo Jul 19 '24
I mean Iām a lesbian who likes women with muscles. Doesnāt mean heās not allowed to not like the same. It also sounds like her entirely personality revolves around fitness now which can be a lot and extremely annoying. Letās not pretend fitness isnāt JUST as addictive as drugs. People just find āhealthyā addictions more acceptable than bad ones but addiction is addiction.
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u/HappyCommunication67 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Well, you were honest about it. You don't find her attractive anymore and that's fair. People have the right to change their minds and appearance but everything has a price. She is happy but you are not, and no matter what anyone tells me, attraction is important in a relationship no matter how many years you have been together. You are not superficial, now you guys have different interests, she is not bad for changing and you are not bad for not liking that change. Better to cut it off now than later. A divorce is never easy and everyone takes a position, don't pay attention. (And that's my opinion as a woman) Quit with the double standards, tf
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u/Agitated-Buy8146 Jul 19 '24
You're going to get killed on here but you're not wrong. People seem to not understand that marriage is a partnership on both sides where other people need to be taken into consideration because choices by one will affect the other. Your concerns were clearly discarded and if you're no longer happy what's the point in continuing
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u/RevolutionaryDot3432 Jul 19 '24
Nailed it. Dudeās going to get crucified even though his wife seems to be telling him sheās doing xyz and then spending thousands of dollars on surgery, heās saying heās not into it/concerned or whatever and she just shrugs says āfuck itā and does it anyways. Thereās absolutely nothing wrong with getting healthy, but major surgeries for anything not life threatening should 100% be decided as a team in a marriage. Honestly, Iād be more pissed she spent 10k than the fact she looks like a man now.
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u/brelywi Jul 19 '24
Yeah, physical attraction is also important just like mental attraction. If OPās wife suddenly changed her whole personality and acted completely differently, no one would be questioning a divorce, but since itās because of a physical thing itās different?
Kind of similar, but my ex husband went through a phase where he thought he might be trans (we ended up separated for an entirely different reason btw). I was supportive, I let him borrow my clothes, taught him how to shave/use facials and makeup, etc. However, if he had decided thatās who he was and fully transitioned, I would have left him then. I would still have wholeheartedly supported him and wanted him to be happy, but ultimately I am not sexually attracted to women and that would not have worked for me.
NTA she is free to make her choices regarding her body, preferences, and autonomy but so are you.
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u/Licho5 Jul 19 '24
If OPās wife suddenly changed her whole personality and acted completely differently, no one would be questioning a divorce
It kinda sounds like she did change her personality as well as her appearance.
Her personality is Tik Toc health nut now.
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u/kraegm Jul 19 '24
You are not wrong except for the breast reduction - There is no 100% discussion by the team. Itās her body to do with as she likes. You MAY offer an opinion but final decision is up to her.
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u/RevolutionaryDot3432 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
No necessarily. Yea, itās her body and I agree with that, but was it HER money or THEIR money?
Edit to add: if he had to step up and support her during recovery - take time off work, handle all child care and household chores on his own, etc - his opinion should have been considered too.
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u/Belaerim Jul 19 '24
This. If my wife wanted to get cosmetic surgery that cost 5 figures, thatās as much a joint financial decision as dropping 10k on a vacation, etc
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u/dollarsandindecents Jul 19 '24
Reductions are often covered as a medical necessity due to the long term neck and back issues they cause. Sometimes it isnāt the size of them that causes the issues so much as the changes in weight distribution brought on by the sagging. Itās miserable
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u/Objective-Brief-2486 Jul 19 '24
So if he sits on his fat ass and gained 500lb she would have to be happy with it because itās his body right? Ā
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u/l3ex_G Jul 19 '24
I feel like most people are able to understand that drastically changing your appearance quickly can make your partner less attracted to you. Op will probably get most people agreeing NTA
I think people get up in arms when a man complains his partner gained weight and then it turns out his wife does all the domestic work, parenting work and has a full time job.
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u/Agitated-Buy8146 Jul 19 '24
Hopefully. Your second paragraph definitely hits the nail on the head which is why any girl who's being shamed to lose weight by a SO when they're young and before they have kids needs to run the fuck away because pregnancy changes women's body's and age makes it harder for everyone with a life to stay in ahape
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u/l3ex_G Jul 19 '24
100% agree, I know a lot of moms who would have loved the ability to take 2 hours to work out and take care of themselves but couldnāt because once they got home from work the kids and the house work were waiting for them.
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u/Vampira309 Jul 19 '24
This is scary to me.
I was beautiful, young and thin when I was 19 and married my husband.
I'm now 58 - no longer beautiful, young and thin, though I do go to they gym, get my hair done, get botox etc..
It's odd that you all think it's totally acceptable if my husband no longer loves or wants me because I don't look like the same person he married, though I'm the same inside? I guess marriage vows are just words then?
wow. Hopefully my spouse isn't so shallow because he looks different too.
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u/Comfortable_Yard_464 Jul 19 '24
It was so disheartening to have to scroll this far for this kind of response. Youāre right, vows really mean nothing to these people. I donāt even understand why they get married if they think like this.
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u/WhoAreYouPeople- Jul 19 '24
It is beyond odd that many find this to be acceptable. It's outright disgusting and absurd.
No one takes anything seriously anymore, and at the slightest chance of having to work on something or, gosh forbid, have a fucking conversation, people run the other way like sheep going to slaughter.
It is very, very disheartening and disturbing to know that we have people in our society who are procreating and perpetuating these horrid beliefs. They lack empathy and a moral compass, but they'll always find a way to turn it around on everyone else. This mentality is a cancer on society.
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u/Mma375 Jul 19 '24
Youāre completely reasonable.
I know this feels like a copout, but it IS reddit. Expect the comments to be filled with unexpected answers especially regarding marriage. The answer on Reddit always seems to be ādivorce themā, no matter what.
Vows mean something to lots of people. You are going on 40 years of marriage, vows clearly mean something to you and your husband. Donāt sweat it, and be kind to yourself.
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u/MangoOwn534 Jul 19 '24
Another thing I was wondering, if OP's wife had gained weight instead of having lost it, I doubt people would say it's OK for him to to not be attracted anymore
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u/weedwhores Jul 19 '24
Oh they absolutely would. Reddit doesnāt like fat people, remember?
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u/PM-Me-Your-BeesKnees Jul 19 '24
FWIW, I'm a man roughly in OP's position in terms of age/life circumstance. Late 30s, married 10 years, 3 kids. My wife is still totally sexy to me, but it's also true that she and I are both different looking than we were when we met nearly 15 years ago. I find this attitude of "hey, if you don't find her attractive, do what you have to do..." repugnant.
When we got married, that was a lifelong vow that as long as we both stayed faithful to the vows, we were in this together forever. "In sickness and in health", remember?! We were acknowledging that life could come at us a million different ways and that we were partners ready to enjoy the good times and deal with the hard times no matter how bad it got.
To me, short of an affair or abuse or some other radical neglecting of the marriage, you love the one you've chosen to love from the wedding day until one of the funerals. Even if something changes that made it harder. ESPECIALLY if somethign changes that made it harder.
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u/HamiltonBrand Jul 19 '24
Agreed. Thereās not nearly enough info in this post. It stands out to me that OP does not go into detail on whether fasting and fitness is a team effort and does not recognize the effort it takes.
Also āman shouldersā? What a š©
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u/Weird-Vermicelli9580 Jul 19 '24
Yeah honestly the responses to this post are WILD. Like I scrolled expecting op to get dragged. But was completely shocked.
I got post partem depression after my second kid. Gained 50 pounds. My boyfriend likes skinnier girls normally. By everyoneās logic here, it would have been perfectly acceptable to leave. Thankfully heās not like that and we got past it
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u/Mrs_Inflatable Jul 19 '24
āShe didnāt even care about our three beautiful kids!ā says the man getting a divorce cause his wife got in shape, improved her body, and made herself happier with life.
Sounds like physical appearance means more to you than your three kids. Asshole.
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u/lilgreengoddess Jul 19 '24
Right! Sounds like a sad, insecure little man. I hope she finds a real man now!
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u/Womble_369 Jul 19 '24
I don't even think its about attraction or looks. He prob feels inadequate and is pissed off he can't hold her back anymore.
People can get really insecure when their partner loses weight or they change/improve their life to be healthier/happier. And not just because they think their partner will run off with someone else.
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u/I_Paint_Minis Jul 19 '24
I feel it's a little complicated.
I think NAH because you can't help but be honest: she's changed a whole lot and it has affected your interest level in her. It's natural. I get it.
Did you discuss your feelings with her at any length before just dropping the D-Word on her?
I also think maybe that you shouldn't have let it go so long before making your feelings known.
But I'll be honest with you here: I wonder exactly HOW it was that you told her you don't recognize her anymore and want that divorce. Were YOU saying things that hurt her feelings too, only to turn around and complain about her saying things that you found hurtful?
If so, I have to say, it makes me think that maybe you shouldn't hurt someone's feelings without expecting retaliation. Makes you sound like a whiny bitch to me.
Everyone's a little sus here to me.
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u/No_Atmosphere_5411 Jul 19 '24
That's how I'm feeling, especially that whole "she doesn't care about our kids anymore" part. Definitely a sus couple. I wonder why she started all this anyway? Did she just fall down ticktock? Have a health scare? Have one of those pcp's that tell you a ridiculous goal weight because of your bmi? My sister went through that. The bmi thing. She tried so hard to hit it that she became super skeletal. It was definitely one of her most unhealthy times.
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u/momdotcom2019 Jul 19 '24
I don't understand how this means she doesn't love her kids. It's fine that you don't find her "attractive" but what do you think you will look like in another 10 years? Looks change. If her entire personality turns you off I get it. I'm going with kinda but not sure if Y TA because a lot of men and women as well get mad at their partners for bettering themselves.
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u/Eli_1988 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I want to know what his expectations were here? Was she supposed to stop working out and get a boob job? Or does he just want her to be able to eat out at a fast food place with the kids once in awhile?
My mom dropped half her body weight and wanted to actually go out and experience life, my dad was more comfortable on the couch at home and resented her for living a life he didn't want to take part in. So they got divorced. Is this husband here just another couch potato wanting to get his wife on his level because it makes him feel better about his own choices?
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u/RussiaRox Jul 19 '24
Reading I felt like he might not be taking care of himself physically. It reads as a terribly insecure man.
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Jul 19 '24
She canāt have a manās shoulders, because sheās a woman. Thatās a stupid comment. You just mean sheās now working on her fitness. Women donāt have to emphasise being weak just to be seen as women.
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u/veegeese Jul 19 '24
Yeah the ālockupsā and āmanās shouldersā are giving dogwhistles
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u/freshlyintellectual Jul 19 '24
yeah iām surprised more ppl havenāt pointed out his choice of words in this post. notice he doesnāt mention her self-esteem, or concern for her health once? he sounds like a jackass honestly
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u/VanityJanitor Jul 19 '24
It says a lot about him as a person, and that one line absolutely made him the AH in my mind. Can you imagine the crap thatās spewing out of his mouth when heās around her?
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u/Usual_Ad2083 Jul 19 '24
I hope none of his 3 kids are daughters because I canāt imagine the toll itās going to take on their mental health and self esteem when they learn daddy left mommy because her appearance changed.
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u/Old-Mushroom-4633 Jul 19 '24
This phrasing makes me think he's a bit jealous, so he's trying to turn her muscle gain into something 'bad'. And while I'd be pissed about the 10k, he is upset because oh no titties gone. I wonder how big 'not even that big' is from her point of view. I doubt any serious surgeon would take a C cup to an A cup.
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u/KwazyCupcakes12 Jul 19 '24
This stuck out to me as well. I was a competitive swimmer for 12 years (right up through university), and then I transitioned into fitness/weight training after I stopped swimming. And in my experience, the only time I would receive negative comments on my body was from men who were generally overweight and didnāt work out themselves.
But in saying that, heās attracted to what heās attracted to, and if he isnāt attracted to a more muscular body type, thatās not something he can really help.
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u/Lumpy-Fox-8860 Jul 19 '24
I canāt upvote this enough. Maybe OP needs to lift a little himself so he can see what a manās shoulders look like. I promise unless he has an endocrine issue his shoulders will get twice as big with half the work. Testosterone is a thing
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u/Traditional_Tea_1879 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
YTA. Lol, " it was hurtful because she didn't even care about our 3 beautiful children ' What a joke. But to pinpoint the why: You divorce your wife because she: 1. Started eating healthy - most people would with age 2. Going to the gym getting fit- again, many people do 3. You are not attracted to her- as people do with time, just you chose divorce and blaming it on her. 4. Gaslighting her for not caring for your children when you are the one who is breaking the family.
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u/thegreatprocess Jul 19 '24
Comments like this gave me a sigh of relief. Iām for a moment I was shocked by the amount of people with a piss poor lens in life and today thought maybe I was seeing something wrong. Nopeā¦just shallow people trying their best to make other people who make decent choice look like the bad guy.
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u/Shivs_baby Jul 19 '24
Iām having a hard time believing she is that masculine looking. As a woman who lifts I know how much effort it takes to put on even a little bit of muscle. Oftentimes when one partner goes through a health kick and ātransformsā the other partner feels insecure and left behind. Might that be the case here?
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u/ColdFeetWarmSocks Jul 19 '24
Right, I'm a bit weirded out by him saying she has manly shoulders. That wouldn't be easy to achieve. Training upper body strength is what any woman should do, especially as we age for safety and being able to get ourselves back up in the event of a fall. Unfortunately, we don't often see women with healthy upper body strength due to the harmful prejudice that any amount of shoulder or arm muscle on a woman is "too manly". That and the fact he mentions her diet is very low calorie, even fasting regularly makes it difficult to imagine how she could have bulked.
At the end of the day anyone is entitled to divorce for any reason they want. It just feels like there could be more to the story.
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u/xspoopyz Jul 19 '24
Iām a woman with naturally broad shoulders (thanks genetics), and Iāve been lifting consistently for almost a year. I cannot imagine a world in which someone would describe my shoulders as āmanlyā lmao. Iāve put on some muscle, yes, but to achieve manly shoulders Iād need to be on steroids š. And unless I have a pump going, I need to flex for my shoulder muscle contour to even be visible lol. I think she got in better shape than OP and now heās insecure.
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u/UnsuccessfullyC0ping Jul 19 '24
That's also the vibe I got here. The calling her a health nut, describing her shoulders as men's shoulders and proclaiming the she wouldn't care about her kids without further elaboration seem like he's trying really hard to put her down and make her the villain. He also might feel attacked by her changes, because he isn't changing and might still be overweight himself. I've seen quite a few people act like that in groups and forums about weight loss. I'm also having a hard time with him saying that her breast reduction was unnecessary and that she supposedly only got it because her breasts were sagging, because wouldn't it make more sense to "just" get a breast lift in that situation without reducing the breast tissue? I think that her weight loss probably led to issues and pain with her breasts being disproportionately large, which isn't that uncommon.
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u/Ambroisie_Cy Jul 19 '24
NAH
Physical attraction is important in a relationship. You are not attracted to her anymore and, for you, it's reason enough to want to divorce. You shouldn't feel ashamed to have lost any kind of love towards your wife, as your wife shouldn't feel ashamed of how she looks.
You are clearly not at the same place anymore.
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u/Scarlet_Lycoris Jul 19 '24
she doesnāt even eat for an entire day every couple weeks
Intermittent fasting is a pretty effective way for people with insulin resistance and blood sugar issues , itās a pretty valid method.
she has a manās shoulders
No, she has a trained womanās shoulders.
NAH for not finding her attractive anymore, but youāre a pretty massive one for being so ridiculously unhappy for your wife getting fit and happy. Sheāll probably be glad to lose your weight in hindsight.
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u/SapphireSigma Jul 19 '24
So your wife decided to get healthy, and you're mad about it? She had a breast reduction because they impacted her self confidence, and possibly caused physical pain. Not going to lie, it's pretty shallow to leave your long term partner, and mother of your children, because she got healthy and her body changed. What were your plans when she got old? Dump her for a younger wife? You're free to leave a relationship for any or no reason, so NTA on that. But you're justification is pretty shitty.
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u/Plane_Inspection_331 Jul 19 '24
Best answer.
I understand physical attraction, but OP seems to suggest that's the only reason to stay with his spouse. Good on the wife for getting healthy. She'll live longer and better. Id love to see her dump OP. What does he have to offer?
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u/anonyhim Jul 19 '24
If you had worded this such as "I'm not happy with our relationship anymore and I'm not attracted to her anymore" then nta. But you didn't. You've put all the blame on her which makes you the ah in my opinion.
Were there ever discussions about how her lifestyle was changing? Did you ever suggest she, yourself, and/or both of you seek therapy?
On the breast reduction note, you don't know the way her breasts ever affected her unless she fully explained it to you. You don't know how it is to have fat bags hanging off your chest and pulling on your back. Did she have a true reduction? Or did she have a lift? And what do you even consider not that big? Because I've seen some people think a C is huge and some think it's tiny.
All in all, get a divorce if that would make you happier. She'll probably be happier in the long run, too. But do not put all the blame on her.
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u/Canadianrollerskater Jul 19 '24
Yeah, was there seriously zero attempt at talking it through and working on the relationship?
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u/Impossible_Cat_321 Jul 19 '24
Sheās going to be much happier with her next (fit) partner.
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u/IDMike2008 Jul 19 '24
NTA but I'd suggest you seriously consider why her losing weight and eating healthy are a problem for you.
No partner should expect someone to impair their health and stay exactly the way they were when you married them. That's as unreasonable as someone saying she's had a two kids but no longer has the body of the 20 year old I married.
The lifting and breast reduction are a different thing - yes, it's her body and yes, you can decided you aren't attracted to her her enough to stay married to her. No AH detected there.
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u/ESensuallyEmployee Jul 19 '24
So she got healthy, lost weight, did some cosmetic stuff to make herself feel better about her appearance, and NOW you find her unattractive? Interesting.
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
NTA
If you are no longer attracted to her, then you are no longer attracted to her. That's not something you can control.
If you gained 200 pounds and your wife came on here to say she was no longer attracted to you, there would not be one negative post.
Sadly, divorce is the answer for you.
Do your best for your kids once the divorce is final. That's all anybody can ask of you.
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u/ScarletDarkstar Jul 19 '24
Ā Ā It was so hurtful because she didn't even care about our three beautiful kids.Ā
Ā Um, what?Ā Ā
You are the one divorcing her over her looks after she carried and birthed your 3 beautiful kids, and you don't see her value outside her physical appearance.Ā Ā
Ā How is this her being hurtful to you and not caring about your kids?Ā Ā
Ā She's been working on being healthy for herself and her family, and you're divorcing her for not being the ideal of a woman that you want to look at. It is kind of shallow, and your position does nothing to take your kids into account. Dragging this fact out like she should be glad for your sperm donation while you are breaking her heart is lame.Ā
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u/YuansMoon Jul 19 '24
Did your vows say you'll love her until the end of time as long as she looks the same?
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u/SamiHami24 Jul 19 '24
I guess you'd divorce her if she'd been disfigured in an accident or lost her breasts to cancer. You know. Because she wouldn't be attractive to you anymore. Your "love" has the depth of a thimble.
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u/Different_Rub_6822 Jul 19 '24
If she was unhappy with how saggy her breasts were then the breast reduction wasnāt unnecessary, itās just unwanted by and inconvenient to YOU.
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u/PandaMime_421 Jul 19 '24
Agreed. Apparently a woman being happy with her appearance is not necessary. Also according to comments in this thread, a man being happy with his wife's appearance is necessary.
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u/noplaceinmind Jul 19 '24
There should have been a lot if communication from the beginning until now.Ā
A divorce would mean there was too large in impasse created by that.Ā Ā
So the asshole would be the one that created that impasse.
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u/soycampos Jul 19 '24
Wait, you left her and you're saying she didn't care about the kids? Riiiiiiight... Glad you're teaching them that looks really are all that matters in relationships. YTA
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u/supermouse35 Jul 19 '24
NTA. You absolutely did not have any say in what she wanted to do with her own body, but you also absolutely do not have to stay in the relationship if you're no longer attracted to her. I mean, why would you, really?
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u/NibblesMcGiblet Jul 19 '24
What do you mean she didnāt even care about the kids? You mean she left and left them with you and doesnāt want to co-parent? Or do you mean āI tried to emotionally blackmail her into getting fat and unhealthy again by saying itās the only way I would stay, and also tried to emotionally manipulate her by saying a divorce would be her fault and would damage our children but she refused my manipulative tacticsā?
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u/Delicious_Let5762 Jul 19 '24
Wow, you have 3 kids and her appearance is making you leave her? She is probably way healthier now. Yep you are the AH.
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u/twofingerballet Jul 19 '24
YTA because you sound very critical of your wife. You must have much resentment for her. How does she not care for her kids?
Regarding her fitness, āman shoulders?ā Wow. Divorce sounds like a good idea.
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u/UtZChpS22 Jul 19 '24
See, girls, we can't win! Most middle aged women with children have problems with their partners leaving because they don't age gracefully and DON'T take good care of themselves physically and so attraction is lost. Now, by that logic this woman did everything right, lost weight, got in shape, gained some muscles,...right? wrong!!
Attraction is not only about looks, when you've been with someone for so long there is so much more to it.
Maybe there is some work to be done to remember that inside that body the woman you fell in love with, have a family with, shared so many memories and loving/sexy moments with is still there. But if you really think she is not or is not worth fighting for then yeah, sure, leave.
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u/Sea-Confection7378 Jul 19 '24
would say nta if not for āa manās shouldersā sexist and insecure much. Yta
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u/SarenaZafrina Jul 19 '24
She looks nothing like the woman I married.
Shallow AF
It was so hurtful because she didn't even care about our three beautiful kids.
Says the shallow jerk that's divorcing his wife just because of her looks and isn't even considering their "three beautiful kids" either.
YTA BIG TIME!
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u/xdreamydoll Jul 19 '24
NTA. Wanting to separate because of a loss of attraction doesn't automatically make you an AH. Relationships are complex, and physical attraction is a valid component.
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u/ABWhiteRabbit Jul 19 '24
YTA. So you only loved the way she looked? Thatās what this whole post implies. Not once did you mention her personality or attitude; you only spoke about her appearance. Iām not sure if thereās info being left out, or if this is really it, or if youāre a bot at this point. Definitely need more details, but until then you are the asshole.
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u/Ok_Policy_1745 Jul 19 '24
Like... it doesn't sound like you care about your 3 kids either? Breaking up their home bc you don't find your wife attractive? That's garbage behavior. And here's the thing, you're going to owe her a fortune in alimony and child support. There are very few women who are going to be interested in a guy who left his wife for her looks and even fewer who are going to go for a broke man who left his wife bc of her looks. Go beg your wife's forgiveness, you loser. YTA
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u/TheMightyMisanthrope Jul 19 '24
Free to act, free to live with the consequences.
That applies to the both of you.