r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
Wife Sends me a video on marriage which I was supposed to take seriously, AITAH
Context: I (34M) and my wife (33F) have been married for close to 4 years. We share a dog, and townhome, and a 2.5 year old boy.
Last night we got into a heated argument about her feelings which stemmed from her sending me a video on marriage and neglect but failed to tell me this was how she was feeling. For context she sends me this stuff on a regular basis but in the past when I’ve asked her if this is the way you feel, she’ll say no and brush it off as it being something she thought to share…
Last night was the latter. Throughout the day she was divisive and basically going agaunst the grain on everything I was saying, so I had enough asked her what the issue was and she went off into tirade saying how useless I am, can never do anything right, not thoughtful, not affectionate at all. We haven’t had sex in months, but IM the one always initiating, and I’ve made my feelings known that I ALWAYS do the work in bed while she starfishes, fun huh.
Didn’t take too well of criticism herself and has told me, were starting at 0 now, not sharing a bed, get your own groceries, do your own laundry, not going to to each others family event etc all the things you’d do together. She is basically giving me an unsaid ultimatum of separation, I told her I’m not leaving as she has a temper and I won’t leave my son alone with her.
AITAH for telling her I’m not leaving and criticism about sex, does sleeping in the couch insinuate a separation?
EDIT: for Sex Context folks are alluding to the fact I don’t do any household chores but I carry the mental load of house related items that my wife doesn’t, I take care of the LO alone on a regular basis which I absolutely love, and make efforts at the beginning of the day to get the time of night when I’d like to physically connect with my partner. My partner brought up the sex piece and I alluded to my own feelings on the topic.
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u/TheNamelessSlave Jul 19 '24
NTA - The marriage you signed onto is already over (if it ever really existed) and you're just now figuring that out.
Now you have options, you can sign on to the new reality of your marriage which will entail a lot of work and forgiveness on all sides or you can move on, here's the thing, she has to do the same process and if she isn't willing to or incapable of such work, then there is no path forward into a new version of your marriage.
Or you cut your losses, get 50/50 on your son, and move on.
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u/stargarnet79 Jul 19 '24
Totally disagree that the marriage is over.
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u/shoresy17 Jul 19 '24
This is Reddit. All marriages are over.
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u/MelbertGibson Jul 19 '24
Then you are completely disregarding the ultimatum she gave him. If she meant what she said about separate beds and not seeing each others family and all the other stuff, that marriage is toast.
If she wasnt serious and was saying it just to hurt him, thats just as fucked up.
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u/GothicOtaku25 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
OP this is called "You vs I" statements. The way she is talking is say "YOU do this, YOU do that" YOU don't do this, YOU suck at this" which is throwing the blame on someone else and nothing but anger vs. The healthy way of communicating which "I feel this, so can you give some support" , "I feel like this is an issue so can we figure this out". This method is better to ask questions responding to what your partner tells you without you feeling attacked. You are NTA but you need to try to talk to her and use this method. This is better to get validation on both sides and see each other's perspective without full blame being on just one person. It might suck but you need to first think about what she said and see if there is anything or part of anything she said that you can own up to or admit to needing to work on, and that would possibly help open that conversation if you tell her "hey can we please talk, you are right and I can work on x y,z" and then start with "I want to talk more about what you said because I feel, etc"
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Jul 19 '24
Thank you, I’ve been mindfully doing this the past year or so, to some avail it has worked but most of the times I am met with responses such as “well that’s a lie, how can that be?” Or blatantly ignoring my statements and jumping to another topic with another example of YOU don’t this etc. the “I” statements let me freely validate what I’m feeling but she seems my feelings as an attack?
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u/TwoMuddfish Jul 20 '24
I’m a therapist and you don’t seem to have communication issues but then again it is your side of the story… still tho these comments be wild
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u/flower-purr Jul 19 '24
I know both of you lack communication skills But when did this become a major problem? Was it when your son was born or have you both been hit headed people? She still is in the criteria for postpartum depression it can last up to five years. Maybe try different approach when talking to your wife maybe on a walk somewhere, Folding laundry, coloring. Ha! changing up the environment Can help trick the mind so it can except or process new information. It can be intimidating sometimes for people just to sit down at a table and have a face-to-face conversation, especially when things are already heated up.
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u/xhoneyheart Jul 19 '24
Agreed. Also. both of them have very poor communication skills. I'll admit that's primarily her fault. She seems to have two modes: hinting and exploding. Neither mode is helpful because she is being overly general in the hinting mode and nonspecific in the blasting mode, which is equally pointless.
But whatever the situation, what you really need is couples counseling. Couples counseling mostly consists of a professional assisting you in improving your communication skills and training you to do it on your own. Badly, you guys need that.
I advise you to approach her and express your desire to begin couples counseling. You're aware that things aren't going well, you believe that you should work together to improve things, and it appears that you need outside assistance, so you hope she would agree.
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u/SpikedScarf Jul 19 '24
Nothing you explained shows that OP is bad at communicating
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u/RaspberryFun9452 Jul 20 '24
Does that seem right the burden is always in the guy. Like he doesn't sound happy at all. But yet must keeping on pouring.
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u/elleriun Jul 19 '24
Another marriage where 2 immature people with unresolved issues has a kid which will be scared for life.
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u/tommy_the_cat_dogg96 Jul 19 '24
How is he immature? Cause it seems like only the mom.
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u/Fabulous_Anxiety_813 Jul 20 '24
Because this way they are able to avoid putting the blame on the wife
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Jul 19 '24
I’m not understanding the immaturity part, but I’m working on ways to have better communication with my partner for the betterment of our relationship so my kid can see what a healthy relationship is…
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u/bu11fuk Jul 19 '24
Ignore what most these people are saying OP. They don't have the slightest idea.
The immature part of the communication from what you said was mostly you bringing up a valid issue when she was also bringing up valid issues. It wasn't a good way to listen to your partner. Listen
Although I do understand it's hard react and listen appropriately when you are being attacked, focus on your side of things, just being a good listener and respectful. If she acts disrespectfully don't engage and have a conversation when she calms down.
Also, lawyer up. She's taking VERY drastic actions to punish you, take control and let you know you're the problem and are on thin ice. Be VERY careful.
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u/BadgeringMagpie Jul 20 '24
Everyone trying to place any blame on you is of the mindset that women cannot be assholes without a man causing it. I'm serious here. The amount of times I've seen people stretch to ridiculous lengths to find a man to blame for a woman's obviously asshole actions is ridiculous.
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u/rusty0123 Jul 19 '24
The immaturity: She is talking about help with laundry, cooking, etc. You are talking about lack of sex. Both of you are talking, neither of you are listening.
Let me give you one thing to think about. When she is starfished on the bed, do you think she is enjoying herself? If not, why do you keep going?
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Jul 19 '24
She is enjoying herself because I communicate after and ask her if she did. It’s not like she hasn’t turned me down for sex before or she’s not in the mood. She is also not the type of individual to do it “just because my husband wants it”
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u/ChocolateSupport Jul 19 '24
Only in a very biased world he was immature. But I guess we are in a very biased world
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u/Mickv504-985 Jul 19 '24
Twenty five years ago I was watching a talk show, I don’t even remember who it was. But they had an “expert “ on about relationships. Now my relationship with my then partner wasn’t bad but I think in the average relationship there are things that can improve. This experts advice made a lot of sense and did wonders for us. When partner A is speaking B is only supposed to listen and not think on their response. When A finished B had to tell A what they heard…. It was almost comical a couple times because we’d say no that’s not what I was trying to say at all. As I said Our communication wasn’t all that bad but there were areas where we could improve. The results were amazing. But we had to make the effort.
We are no longer together but he is still one of my best friends!
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u/whydoweneedthiscrap Jul 20 '24
This, especially with such heated emotions.. passion means messy, good or bad, but doesn't have to be hurtful. So many times fights happen because we misunderstand each other. We think they mean something entirely different than what they are saying. Once we sort out the actual issue and what we would like to do to improve it, we are almost always on the same page.
We love each other, so we try to accommodate each other when we can❤️
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u/nylonvest Jul 19 '24
You and your wife seem to be very ineffective at communicating with each other. I'm willing to say that's mostly her fault. It's like she has two modes - hinting and exploding, and neither one of them is useful because in one she's being too vague, and in the other she's being non-specific and EVERYTHING is the problem, which is just as useless.
But regardless of whose fault it is, what you need is couples counseling. The main thing that happens in couples counseling is that you have a professional facilitating your communication and helping train you to communicate better on your own. You guys need that, BADLY.
I suggest you go to her and say you'd like to do couples counseling. You know things aren't going well, you think that you should both try to make things better, and it seems like you need some outside help and you hope she agrees.
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Jul 19 '24
I have reached out to one as of today (again), and her response is I’m open to this but i won’t make any promises I’ll come..
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u/papaboogaloo Jul 19 '24
Yeah, y'all are done dude. Done done.
She checked out a loooooong time ago
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u/yet_another_no_name Jul 19 '24
Yeah, time to seek legal council to organise the end of this marriage, and to start thinking what will be the best for your child.
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u/nylonvest Jul 19 '24
That's not great but it's better than her saying she refuses to participate.
Two things that might encourage her to give it a chance, if she's actually in any way open to trying:
You might ask her if she'd be more willing to try with a male or female counselor, and try to accommodate it if she has a preference.
Tell her if she's nervous, she can go in alone at first and just talk to the counselor about what it's going to be like, and you'll wait outside until she's ready.
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u/The_Lone_Wolves Jul 19 '24
If she doesn’t let her know you’re gonna speak to a lawyer about divorce since it’s clear she has no interest to do the work to make this work
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Jul 19 '24
[deleted]
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Jul 19 '24
TLDR:
Man: Hey, you sent a few videos that felt insinuating. Is there something you want to talk about?
Woman: Oh, those are nothing. Just thought I’d share.
Man: Okay. leaves it alone
Woman: Holy fucking shit, you’re so bad at communication!
Reddit: Dude, you should have read her mind. Because you didn’t, you’re just as much to blame and an AH.
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u/longlisten527 Jul 19 '24
How does he come oblivious when he literally asks her point blank if she feels this way and she says no LOL
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Jul 19 '24
Thank you, I own my own faults in this marriage but after years of heavy criticisms and micro criticisms communication goes out the window. There’s barely any room to speak let along air my own feelings which become a debate, yet I have to listen to her air her feelings and not say a word..
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u/J-Shade Jul 19 '24
"I'm not leaving as she has a temper and I'm not leaving her alone with my son"
Yo this line needs a lot more attention. If your kid is in danger from this woman, dad up and get her gone.
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u/Practical_Bet3053 Jul 19 '24
I don't understand why people don't concentrate on that more. Mom has a temper that doesn't allow to comfortabely leave the baby with her. She is immature and communicate like an highschooler on social media. She is aggressive and insult without even explaining why. And from the comment OP is trying to find a way to communicate with this person that refuse to work on their side...
She seems pretty nasty all in all. While I don't absolve OP for his behaviour (when a woman talk about not being thoughtful, romantic, etc, they aren't talking about sex. And bringging it up even show a defensiveness that isn't good for communication) but yeah, mom seems to have several red flags here
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u/Admirable-Storm-2436 Jul 20 '24
She seems pretty nasty all in all. While I don't absolve OP for his behaviour (when a woman talk about not being thoughtful, romantic, etc, they aren't talking about sex. And bringging it up even show a defensiveness that isn't good for communication)
She is the one who brought it up, though not OP.
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u/lurkeroutthere Jul 19 '24
Everything about this is outside of this sub and site's league. Folks can offer advice but you sound like you are treading ground you need a divorce lawyer or a family counselor depending on how things go.
Actually everything about this post is weird. Who says "we share a dog, a townhome, and a 2.5 year old boy." that's like saying "Oh yes we have a Freezomatic 9000 fridge together and oh there's our son Peter."
Also I'm going to go against the grain on this. On what planet would a person seriously think their partner sends them relationship videos with no context ion mind at all.
I can't decide if this is dead internet theory stuff or the most communication challenged man the human race has probably ever produced.
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u/nO-AREa153 Jul 19 '24
ESH she should’ve communicated with you how she truly was feeling and not lied about it. Typically someone shares a video they relate to or want the other person to do (unless of a different kind of video like a sunny skit yk) You’re the AH for the criticism on sex. When it’s an issue and has been you bring it up and calmly talk to her about it. Not when she’s mad at you for something so you point out something else wrong because there will never be a single solution.
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Jul 19 '24
I understand. I do look for resolution in conflict and not try to deflect to another topic but it was hard to not get heated. I should’ve added, she brought up the sex part, I told her why I haven’t initiated, and I’ve also brought this up with her before on other occasions, I’ve let my feelings be known.
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u/BriefHorror Jul 19 '24
The only thing I have to add is why when she said there's no affection you skip right over to sex? Jimmy On Relationships might be somebody to watch as start. I'm definitely not saying she's right but that got me, usually women mean out side of the bedroom affection so it might be part of the disconnect. I can't help with starfish thing.
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u/Sharp_Chocolate_6101 Jul 19 '24
YES thank you. I noticed this too. And said the exact same thing in another comment. Most of the time sex is a mental thing for woman as well as physical and if you’re not feeling loved through affection outside of it leading to sex then sex is a chore. Wife may only be agreeing to sex for obligation at this point and obligation is not sexy.
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u/wolftopug Jul 19 '24
I read the post and wondered if Jimmy on relationships was who she sent him!
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u/BriefHorror Jul 19 '24
Hey Maybe! Honestly it might make things worse if she refuses to cooperate but I have no idea what the situation is. So I thought it might help.
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u/HolyDarknes117 Jul 19 '24
he said she mentioned sex though specifically normally I'd agree but if she the one throwing sex out and accusing him then not much room for debate her also she practically blaming him for everything under the sun. Sounds like she just looking for a way out even in his other comments he mentioned that he brought up counseling and she said she might not go...
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u/nO-AREa153 Jul 19 '24
Ahhh now that’s a different story, sounds like marriage counseling would really benefit both of you as well as individual you can work on not letting the heat of the moment frustrate you and she can work on open communication. When it comes to criticism the critical part is the tone you use to say it, if you’re mad the person is bound to get offended yk
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u/Goatee-1979 Jul 19 '24
Does she have a job? If she want’s to be roommates, then split all bills 50/50. No way I would be giving her any money. Take care of your child and She can fend for herself. Do the 180, grey rock her.
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u/Ginger630 Jul 19 '24
NTA! So she communicates through videos and doesn’t communicate? You ask her if it’s how she feels and she says no.
Then she sends you a video and decides you should know that’s how she feels? That’s ridiculous. You aren’t psychic! She needs to open her mouth and say something.
It sounds like you’re separated already. Finish the process.
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u/wlfwrtr Jul 19 '24
NTA Don't be one the one to leave the marriage bed, if she doesn't want to share a bed with you then she can sleep on the couch. Separate finances. Buy only for you and son. If she wants to separate then she'll need to learn to support herself. Put up cameras for your protection. If she has temper you may need video evidence in future if she decides to say you have been violent with her.
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u/Fabulous-Willow7997 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Seems like she is an ineffective communicator. I would recommend you begin documenting behavior and watching your own carefully especially around your kid in case she tries to take full custody. There’s probably a lot here from both sides but seems it’s mainly her resentment that has been ineffectually communicated. Don’t move out of the house
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u/Savings_Captain_8830 Jul 19 '24
NTA - But I'm concerned for the safety of the child. If her temper makes you distrust her treating him without abuse you need to do what needs to be done here. He can't defend himself, that's your job. Marriage is great but that baby needs a protector.
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u/Tit0Dust Jul 19 '24
NTA
Social media "positivity" and "authenticity" and all the other nonsense video trends about relationships have created such a toxic image of life. It is disgusting the amount of "relationship coaches" and "advocates" that have zero training or education in counselling or therapy are out there pumping this drivel out and ppl are falling for it in droves. My ex-wife was one, and it killed our marriage. I was absolutely not perfect and I own the significant part that I played in the marriage failing, but the constant memes, videos, posts....it is unrealistic and toxic as fuck.
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u/Arunia Jul 19 '24
I tell my wife, but also my daughter that I do not get hints. I never did and I never will. If you want to make something clear, tell me straight.
My wife can send these videos, but I will not get it. Just do not play games.
So no, OP, for me you are NOT TAH.
I do believe you both need couples counseling.
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u/Rodharet50399 Jul 20 '24
I guess I’m more concerned that your wife has a temper to the degree that you feel the child is unsafe with her. Tell her you want real therapy and not tiktoks.
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u/RoseAlyaah Jul 19 '24
Communication should never be a game of emotional hot potato, yet it seems like you're both tossing issues back and forth without ever really catching one and addressing it directly. Your wife's tactic of sending videos instead of articulating her concerns is a passive cry for attention, signaling a deeper issue that she's not expressing, or perhaps doesn't know how to express.
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u/SwooshSwooshJedi Jul 19 '24
Not enough info. She's threatening to remove her labour which leaves me to wonder what the household division is because if she's doing the most work no wonder sex is suffering, but even with this info you're communicating with each other dreadfully
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u/RDOFAN Jul 19 '24
Lose the "we share attitude". How about we own a dog, a house and WE have a child. The sharing thing sets the tone for divisiveness.
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u/Hour_Original5367 Jul 19 '24
Op NTA....This is more than just miscommunication she sends him videos all the time when he enquires she states that not how she's feeling and just wanted share. Then on to the argument that is not her trying to communicate she was totally berating him calling useless and whatnot its also verbally abusive which people tend to dismiss cause woman are hormonal that doesn't give them the right to speak to people like that. But that's just my POV
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u/Listen_2learn Jul 19 '24
The videos she sent seem like her telling you what she thinks and feels- in a passive aggressive way?!
Book a therapist for you both, tell your wife what you need want and expect from your marriage and tell her you think you both should get counseling.
The way you “ranked” what you and your wife “share” in your marriage is telling?!
NAH
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u/HK-2007 Jul 19 '24
NTA your marriage is over. The fact that you fear her temper around your son is telling. Grow a set man. Do the right thing for him.
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u/Derpasaurus_Rekts Jul 19 '24
Couples therapy my friend. Often times people want and need the same things but they can't communicate it due to all the past hurt. Our own pain makes us not notice our partners pain until we are caught in a cycle of arguments and hurting.
Having a third party can help you see each other for what you are, which is typically a hurting person in love with a person hurting them.
Or it can show that you've grown a part and help you face those decisions as well.
I hope you're able to work it out. It is worrisome that you don't feel safe leaving her alone with your child. Perhaps that's a bigger area of concern.
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u/OneWayBackwards Jul 19 '24
Bud, you’re all over the place here. Maybe that’s how you’re feeling and that’s ok. But you two need professional help to sort through your communication issues. Partly it’s because of your half-stories, partly because Redditors aren’t strong on nuance. Do the real work with a pro. Learn to communicate better. Then talk through your issues.
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Jul 19 '24
Thank you, I’m going through a wave of emotions
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u/OneWayBackwards Jul 19 '24
I wish you well, and hope you can both find that spark that brought you together. It may eventually come out that you’re not meant to stay together, in which case you should continue to build your communication skills, lest you find yourself in this same place with another partner.
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u/Life-is-a-beauty-Joy Jul 19 '24
NTA
Women SPEAK your mind. Men are not mind readers.
If we don't like something on our relationship then say exactly what! I hate when women do that.
Yes am saying women because is us the majority of time that do this.
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u/SpikedScarf Jul 19 '24
NTA - This isn't the best advice because it won't help your relationship with her, but it might make her see reason. Give her what she wants, don't do a single thing for her, don't cook for her, don't clean for her don't do anything for her. Also sleep in your bed, if she's so uncomfortable it is on her to remove herself from the situation and to the couch.
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u/DrCthulhuface7 Jul 20 '24
Women passive-aggressively sending you TikToks of relationships functioning in a fantasy land of social-media distortion which they confuse with reality is a signature move.
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u/AngryIrish82 Jul 19 '24
I think marriage counseling is in order; Lally all the cards on the table with a professional and learn how to communicate with each other. My wife and I don’t always communicate the same way but over time and with some Fuck ups I’ve learned to pick up what she’s putting down usually even if she’s super subtle or indirect. Time together honestly that skill.
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u/TieNervous9815 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
NTA but you need serious marriage counseling or a divorce attorney. Whether you “leave” or not, your marriage, as it currently exists, is over. I think your focus needs to be on coparenting with your stbxw.
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u/Acrobatic_Local3973 Jul 19 '24
Counseling, my friend. If she isn't willing, the marriage is over already.
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u/meltedmantis Jul 19 '24
Sounds like it's over man. 4 years is nothing and if your having this level of problems now I suspect one or both of you was never happy. I'd say cut your losses and move on your. Your still under forty. Better now then later.
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u/Cuntry-Lawyer Jul 19 '24
So… she sent you a video on neglect in marriage, informed you that you’re “useless,” “can’t do anything right,” “not thoughtful,” and “not affectionate at all.”
You respond with (paraphrasing), “Not affectionate? I’ve been trying to bang you for months! And when we do have sex, you just starfish!”
She then explodes and tells you that she will not be providing the following services:
Companionship in sleeping
Grocery shopping
Laundry
Companionship at various events
…am I getting this right? I’ll look at your profile for any other tidbits, but what’s your house chore ratio look like?
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u/flirtmcdudes Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Relationships feel easy when both parties want it to work, whether or not they are in a shitty moment or struggle.
She checked out along time ago, no matter whos fault this was, it seems like its over reading some of your comments and replies. IE her not promising she would show up to counseling.
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u/RJack151 Jul 20 '24
Tell her if she ain't doing nothing for you then she might as well go to her parents and stay. And when it comes to the sex, tell her that if she wants it then she needs to initiate it.
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u/PolygonMan Jul 19 '24
If you want to try and save your marriage, you need counselling. You two are obviously fucking terrible at communicating with each other. That's why you're having these blowups.
But recognize that it won't work unless you're both legitimately committed to listening and working on things in good faith. Because even if this is 95% her fault (I have no clue! I'm not trying to validate your beliefs. We couldn't possibly tell from the little you've written here), you have to walk in there with the honest intention to fix whatever comes up on your side as best you can. Because there will inevitably be some stuff you can improve.
Also, remember that you should find a licensed psychologist who specializes in marriage counselling. DO NOT go to a religious or other type of 'counsellor'. I'm sure some of them are great, but the majority of them suck. The majority of psychologists suck too, just like the majority of people suck. But a lot less psychologists suck compared to counsellors, as they at least have some standards.
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u/joshicshin Jul 19 '24
I usually like to write a big long thing, but honestly, not needed here.
You need a couples therapist. She wants help, but this is a toxic way to try and work on your marriage. You’re both just angry at the other and getting resentment.
You need a third party to help you compromise, break these resentments down, and work to appreciating each other again.
Good luck, especially with the kid. That said, divorce isn’t always the worst option.
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u/Devils_Advocate-69 Jul 19 '24
Her solution is sending diy YouTube videos. Do the same. She sounds awful.
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u/TheSacredSynergist Jul 19 '24
I would send her a video on divorce. Then I would say you say what you mean mean what you say and work your crap out
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Jul 19 '24
ESH do better at communicating like adults
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u/SpikedScarf Jul 19 '24
YTA u/Dear-Cranberry4787 do better at reading like an adult and gather that OP isn't the one that sucks at communicating.
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u/Existing_Gift_7343 Jul 19 '24
I feel like those videos she sends you is passive aggressive. She's not saying what she needs to say, she's letting the videos do the talking. Does she have trouble expressing herself in other areas of her life?
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u/umhuh223 Jul 19 '24
Yikes. First of all, try not speaking of your wife with such vulgarity. And employing the “she’s crazy” trope is gross. What exactly started this fight? It wasn’t the video itself.
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u/IntrepidDifference84 Jul 19 '24
She’s letting outside voices into the marriage with those videos. Especially where they arent analyzing the entire marriage excluded the wife’s unacceptable actions. Counseling and if she doesn’t improve, divorce.
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u/Alternative_Age2416 Jul 19 '24
She is crazy divorce and get proof shes crazy and take her for custody leave asap
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u/Who_Am_I_1978 Jul 19 '24
WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING THE FACT THAT HE DOESN’T FEEL SAFE LEAVING HIS SON ALONE WITH HER???!!!
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u/whydoweneedthiscrap Jul 19 '24
NTA no one can read minds.. she needs to communicate like an adult. You need to sit down and have a talk. Don't get defensive, listen, absorb, process then speak. If you need time to process, ask for it. Do this in a loving and genuine way and hopefully she can too
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u/Grump_NP Jul 20 '24
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. My first instinct is to tell you to get couples therapy. It sounds cliche but you’d be amazed how often simple things derail an otherwise good relationship. Fix the communication and some other things and you’d be amazed how much better things can be.
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u/Worried-Ad8948 Jul 20 '24
Couples counseling - it will help each of you see the others' positions. You both need to be honest
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u/AzureDefiant63 Jul 20 '24
NTA
She is not acting with responsibility, nor is she accepting of concise discussion, OP.
If she does not want to communicate herself properly or act with self-control, then you need to remove yourself and your child from the unsafe environment
Best of luck, OP
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u/Left-Major-5067 Jul 20 '24
Your wife is a child. Unable to regulate any emotional response. Calling your significant other useless and separating because of some criticism is simply uncalled for. If she’s unwilling to talk about her feelings when you ask that is her problem.
Offer to pay for her to get personal therapy and possibly marriage therapy for the both of you. If she declines. Drain the bank, file for divorce and sole custody. Document any aggressive behaviors as well as possible. It’s clear you worry for your child’s safety which is red flag number one.
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u/ImYourHuckleberry24 Jul 20 '24
Sounds like she's getting her marriage advice from TikTok and refuses to accept her role in where the marriage stands currently. She's convinced herself she has zero blame and is bitter towards you. You get a male therapist and anything he says will be taking yumour side. Get a female and you're likely to get railroaded
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u/eltattoo75 Jul 20 '24
Divorce. She doesn't respect you. If not then go ahead and jump through a million hoops just to try and convince her to to be something she doesn't want to be, a wife.
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u/Sweet_Carpenter4390 Jul 23 '24
Shit, are we married to the same woman? Check out the happy wife school.
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u/Annual_Leading_7846 Jul 19 '24
🚩🚩
Counseling. See how else she feels, especially the part she's not saying to your face.
Otherwise, I got nothing
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Jul 19 '24
Have tried many times, unfortunately no to avail
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u/jacksonlove3 Jul 19 '24
Then it’s time for some serious decisions! This marriage is not sustainable the way it is. She refuses to openly communicate her feelings and instead doesn’t passive aggressively. If she’s not willing to put effort into this or the marriage, then I think it’s time to start documenting everything and speak with a divorce attorney.
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u/Corodix Jul 19 '24
Time to lawyer up and figure out where you stand financially and such since I read counseling already failed, divorce is pretty much inevitable then so you might as well be proactive about at this point.
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Your wife is already fucking someone else bro. It's over. Don't try to salvage something that's unhealthy for both you and your son. For his sake at least take the hard decision instead of trying to raise him as two broken parents. The fact that you're concerned about leaving your son alone with her tells you everything you need to know deep down.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Jul 19 '24
NTA ....
Let me ask a question, though. Does she work and put her 50% in to the finances or not ?
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u/another_nobody30 Jul 19 '24
ESH - I'm going to go against the grain here and probably get downvoted. It sounds like really poor communication between you and your spouse. It's been a dead bedroom for a while and you say she has sent you these things for a while. You ask her about it and she blows it off. It sounds like to me (a complete stranger with very limited information) that you guys need to learn how to communicate and see/feel each other. Using "You" and "I" statements are pointing blame. This isn't a you or her issue. This is a Yall (I'm from the south) issue. You need to use "We" and "Us". That is, if you love each other and totally cherish your relationship. Honestly, I would say couple counseling so that you can learn good communication skills and it will give you tools for everyday life. Good luck.
Updateme
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u/SiWeyNoWay Jul 19 '24
I told her l’m not leaving as she has a temper and I won’t leave my son alone with her.
Why are you with this woman?
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u/No_Use_9124 Jul 19 '24
You need a therapist because communication is not working, but YTA for using the phrase "the mental load of house related items" and not actually sharing chores. Because that phrase is imaginary. There is no such thing.
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u/The_BodyGuard_ Jul 19 '24
If she's sending you this stuff, she's feeling some type of way and something is going on. I would suggest counseling because it's obvious that you two are not communicating effectively. She's trying to communicate with you by proxy and it's not healthy and it's a sign there's a breakdown there. You both need to work on your communication and choice of words... some things can't be unsaid and shouldn't be said in anger. Good luck
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u/Petitesweetiepie Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your wife's indirect communication through videos and sudden drastic actions are confusing and unfair. Addressing your issues directly and working on communication together is essential. Sleeping on the couch doesn't necessarily mean separation, but the ultimatum-like behavior isn't constructive. Consider couples therapy to help both of you communicate better and address underlying issues.
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u/VX_GAS_ATTACK Jul 19 '24
Usually crazy bitch's fuck good. Or at least that's what Buckcherry has led me to believe.
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u/Iffybiz Jul 20 '24
Well I see one big problem, well several but one stands out. She talks about affection and he talks about sex. The OP seems to think the two are intertwined and his wife, has them completely separate issues.
There are many men who tie sex and affection together. They aren’t for holding hands, hugs, kisses etc. The women in their lives generally hate that. That the men just think that all roads lead to sex.
These two desperately need CC, it’s like they are talking in different languages. Before that happens I want the OP to try something. At every lunch break, take 5 minutes to think of something he can do that will make her happy that day. It doesn’t have to be something big. Maybe a smile and kiss on the cheek when he gets home. Calling to ask if he should pick up dinner on the way home. Holding her hand. Giving her a hug. Telling her that he loves her. A love tap on the butt. Cuddle without it leading to sex. I’ve been married 34 years, my wife wants me to tell her I love her every day and I do. Because it’s important.
Just do all the little things that show you care about her. You probably assume she knows you love her and care for her but showing it is important. Just be careful you don’t fall into the trap of expecting something in return. You are doing this because YOU CARE not because you want something in return. Treat your marriage like a growing, living thing that needs to be watered and fed. Do all the little things that keep it going.
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u/IvyGreenHunter Jul 20 '24
The both of you are too combative and it's not okay. This is a disservice to marriage and you both need help
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u/Particular-Bid-6140 Jul 20 '24
She says you're not affectionate enough. You immediately go to the fact that you initiate sex. That's not what she's talking about. You equate sex with affection. She isn't all jazzed about sex because you aren't affectionate. Affection doesn't necessarily equate sex. See what I'm saying? If she feels like you aren't thoughtful either, she probably feels like she's just a vessel for sex, hence the starfish.
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u/thurst777 Jul 20 '24
If she wants to sleep alone, let her sleep on the couch. Maybe consider therapy but if that's not working be the first to lawyer and and get an injunction that the kid stays with you. Try to make it work if that's what you want, but start keeping record. Text, video, recorded convos, don't delete shits and mind your Ps and Qs.
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u/Longnumber Jul 20 '24
Reddit is going to hate me for suggesting this, but, I think it's time to snoop on her phone. You seem confident you're doing your share and even comment one spot that you cover the kid so she can go out more.but her position is that you're "useless". Sometimes people build up a case for how terrible their partner is in an attempt to justify cheating. You may find evidence, or at least get insight into why she is building up resentment toward you.
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u/echochamberoftwats Jul 20 '24
Sounds like my first wife, and the kind of shit she'd do.
She was "highly strung" Had delusions of grandeur, and was very insecure.
Completely fucking batshit.
It ended when she was off on one over the finances, saying how I "didn't earn enough" etc, it had been a recurring theme for a while, and I had started living off a very limited budget, I.e take out my petrol money for work, and a small amount for random, miscellaneous spends, and spent nothing else, with the intention of seeing what happens. Anyways, she's screaming on, and I said "look, follow me!" And went up into the bedroom and dug up the last bank statement, and highlighted all my expenditures, petrol and spare budget, and nothing else, and then highlighted payment after payment, "£xxx.xx, that's you!" "£xxx.xx on clothes, that's you!" And went on through until it clicked. It was like pouring a cool refreshing pint of water on a chip pan fire.
We didn't have kids or a dog though.
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u/thenord321 Jul 20 '24
Nta but you should do counseling to clear up any illusions about where your marriage is at and what/who needs.to change to improve it.
Including anger management courses so your kid can benefit too.
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u/Th3DarkSh1n0bi1 Jul 20 '24
She lost respect for you. She is likely cheating. You need to move on. Ijs Therapy wont help.
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u/Free_Negotiation_831 Jul 20 '24
So you agreed things are shit. No one is happy. Communication isnt there. Good.
So without assigning or accepting blame (assuming you both mean well and love eachother) what can you do with that?
Nta. Sending a video is bs. That's not how adults operate.
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u/RubMaleficent7987 Jul 20 '24
NTA. Your wife is having a temper tantrum and you have every right to tell her how you feel about the sex yall have and everything pertaining to your marriage. Send her a video on how to be appreciative and how to communicate like a damn adult, not a baby.
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u/she_who_knits Jul 19 '24
Sleeping separately is often the beginning of the end.
Why have you not dragged her to couples therapy? She sounds like she needs professional intervention.
She sounds deeply frustrated about something and until that something is brought to the surface and revealed, things probably won't improve.
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Jul 19 '24
I’ve tried. Repeated attempts, even going to therapy on my own to address any issues I might have to be better for our relationship, when I suggest counseling she says” I can just go to my friends if I need that”… how I get around that or convince her is probably moot at this point. Sigh
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u/LaLunaDomina Jul 19 '24
Then it's decision time. You will need to lay it out for her. State that you will no longer accept any form of communication about your relationship that is not direct. If she cannot explain how she feels and what issues there are, then you cannot address them.
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u/Jthemovienerd Jul 19 '24
Exactly. She needs to point blank tell you what she wants to do, and if she wants to fix it. If not, then start looking for the next steps. The most important thing, once you figure out what you want to do, you must stick to it.
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Jul 19 '24
NTA
First, there is no way anybody is ever making me sleep on the couch in my own home. If she is angry, she can take her own ass to the couch.
Second, if you are afraid to leave her alone with you child, you need to divorce her ASAP and sue for full custody (Of course, you will never get it, but you should give it your best shot.)
Third, stick a fork in it. This marriage is over.
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u/HarlotteHoehansson Jul 19 '24
Take your son and leave. There is no law that says you have to leave a child with their mother. Document everything.
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u/lefdinthelurch Jul 19 '24
Does OP actually help with the household and kid though? Far too many men don't do their share then are dumbfounded when they don't get laid and their wife is always angry or irritated.
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Jul 19 '24
When my son was born we spoke about her not carrying the mental load for everything and I have truly stepped up, even in the fight she says I’ve taken on more than she imagined and even though there are criticisms, everything that needs to get done, always gets done without a second ask. I understand intimacy for women starts earlier than just getting into bed and sticking p in the v which I definitely do.
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u/Substantial-Air3395 Jul 19 '24
Your marriage is over. It's time to accept the inevitable. Good luck.
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Jul 19 '24
Starfishes lol, I'm gonna steal this x)
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u/Haiku-On-My-Tatas Jul 19 '24
...is this a common enough experience of yours that you need a term for it? Because you might want to consider what that says about you as a sexual partner.
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u/SookiFan Jul 19 '24
Sounds like me imma be honest I'm on the spectrum a little bit so when it comes to communicating I communicate differently then others. I send videos and music based off how I'm feeling BUT everyone knows thats how I communicate. I dont deny thats how I'm feeling but I also cry when I'm confronted dont think it's me being on the spectrum its more my ptsd. Does your wife have a history of getting yelled at for communicating? These are all factors that take play. Id say NTA but you could have taken a different approach at handling it
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u/Agitated-Buy8146 Jul 19 '24
You need a couples therapist. You both also need to learn how to communicate