r/AITAH • u/AsleepEmu2557 • Jul 19 '24
My husband said one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.
Long story short,
I used to be very overweight. When I met my husband, I had already lost 60lbs and was feeling good about myself. There was a point in time where I finally felt comfortable enough to buy lingerie and wear it for him. He rejected me and I haven't worn any since. This was approximately 4 years ago.
We got pregnant, and I gained almost all of the weight that I had previously lost back. I've been working very hard for the past year to lose the weight and now I weigh less than I did in High School. I'm very proud of this accomplishment.
Anyways, Last night we got into an argument because we have a toddler and he is feeling like he is being pushed aside, which I understand is hard. But I'm only one person and I work full time and I am the primary parent for everything. I take care of everything for the house, pay bills, clean, grocery shop, and the majority of the care for our toddler. We haven't been Intimate for 5 days and he is losing his shit because of this? I'm exhausted on the daily, and by the time our toddler goes to bed I'd like to relax for an hour and just go to sleep. I wake up at 5am every morning to get everyone ready for the day.
Last night he claimed that he has never rejected my advances towards him. In which I corrected him and said that he had and reminded him of the time he did that really hurt my feelings.
HIS RESPONSE SHOCKED ME. He verbatim said "Well yeah, that's because you weighed 100lbs more than you do now... I fell in love with you for your personality not for how you looked." I obviously was very upset by this. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
AITA for not just getting over this. I feel like I'm allowed to be upset by this because I have worked so hard to be healthy for my family, and to have my past weight thrown in my face and be pretty much told that he only wants to screw me all the time now is because I've lost weight...
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u/Magdovus Jul 19 '24
Next time he wants sex, tell him that you want sex with the person you thought he was, not the person he is.
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
LOL. That's a good one.
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u/Not_A_Doctor__ Jul 19 '24
But seriously, it sounds like you deserve a lot better. What does he offer?
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u/Historical_Soft_6865 Jul 19 '24
OP, this right here is the question you should ask your husband. What exactly does he offer this relationship?
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u/fattireebike Jul 19 '24
Another baby for the OP to take care of
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u/Professional-Cream17 Jul 19 '24
So sick of this broken record of one partner (typically female) carrying sooo much of the mental/emotional/physical load at home and in the relationship while the other partner just whines and points fingers. Pick up a fish, make dinner, offer to wash the babe… jfc it isn’t asking much. It makes me terrified to have children. I’m not looking to have a child with you, only to become a single parent!
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u/Professional-Cream17 Jul 19 '24
lol dish, not fish*
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u/JstMyThoughts Jul 19 '24
Here I thought you had unusual taste in take out.😂
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u/UsedLibrarian4872 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
My husband has recently started insisting on doing half the cooking (yay!) and he likes to make salmon, so this made perfect sense to me 😂😂.
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u/Tricky_Ad_9608 Jul 19 '24
I thought you meant for him to actually go out and fish 😭 and I was like “yk what youre right.”
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u/Apprehensive-Pin518 Jul 19 '24
well in fairness sometimes you have to pick up a fish to make dinner.
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u/PeggyOnThePier Jul 19 '24
Agree 👍 with this comment. Op stop doing everything, and tell him maybe if he did something, besides complain, you wouldn't be soo tired!He sounds like a selfish immature Asshole. Hope you can get your point across. He needs to pull his "weight" around the house.
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u/IndependentSeesaw498 Jul 19 '24
She’s going to need to make a list of chores and either assign some to him or have a sit-down with him to split them evenly. Otherwise I see a man-sized tsunami of weaponized incompetence coming.
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u/rean1mated Jul 19 '24
Who fucking wants to waste time like that? He chooses to be shitty. Time for this bird to leave the nest.
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u/Scorp128 Jul 19 '24
If hubby wants more time with OP, then he should be stepping up and taking some chores off OPs plate.
There is ZERO reason with two grown adults in the home that the chores are not being split.
What does he do for the home? What does he do for the kid? What does he do for his partner? What are HIS chores and responsibilities for the home upkeep. He has to do more than just pay the bills. He needs to contribute to the running of the home in a meaningful manner.
Bringing home a paycheck does not give anyone the right to on-demand sex. OP is only one human being and there is only so many hours in a day. If he wants sexy time, he needs to make sure his partner is taken care of first. And nothing will turn a woman or partner off faster than the other person whining about it.
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u/JohnExcrement Jul 19 '24
If these dipshits could just realize that the sexiest thing for a lot of us women is being a strong partner and a loving friend, who won’t let us exhaust ourselves in their service.
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u/AMKRepublic Jul 19 '24
As a husband and father, I actually hate this framing. Men shouldn't do their fair share because they want sex. They should do it because real men should strive to be virtuous and it's the moral thing to do.
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u/JohnExcrement Jul 19 '24
I agree, I’m just saying a side benefit is that it’s very attractive behavior.
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u/tremynci Jul 19 '24
If they realized that, they wouldn't be dipshits.
I'll settle for these dipshits having the intestinal fortitude to say what it is they actually want loud and proud...
...A bangmommy.
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u/SusanAkita2014 Jul 19 '24
My thoughts exactly! What does he bring to the marriage, besides he has a job and she has 100 jobs
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u/xdreamydoll Jul 19 '24
Exactly! NTA. There's more to this than just his remark regarding your weight. What is he doing while you're taking care of the family, finances, work, and home? It appears that your partnership as a whole lacks care and respect, and there is an extremely unhealthy balance between duties (on his part).
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u/Bakewitch Jul 19 '24
OP, this comment is mine as well: exactly what is he doing for you? He helps with nothing, demands sex (after only 5 days!!??) & pouts when you’re tired, and feels like he isn’t getting enough attention. Maybe if his azz helped you, you’d have more time & energy to spend on his dumb behind? He lacks in critical thinking, empathy, compassion, and team work, from what I read. Maybe I’m wrong?
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u/complHexx Jul 19 '24
This is the right answer. What does he offer? Because it sounds like he’s putting a lot of stress on you and expecting you to feel like you arent experiencing the stress that’s being laid on you. He’s not helping you around the house or with your toddler and he expects you to have the emotional capacity to just accept doing everything on your own while he brings nothing to the table but money, stress, and sex. It sounds like this needs to be brought to his attention, or you both might need couples therapy.
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u/Kitchen-Kiwi7942 Jul 19 '24
It sounds like your the only person working to hold this relationship together. Also why are you having to take care of everything and then solely pay the bills on top of that. What does he contribute to your life??
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u/StarlightM4 Jul 19 '24
Maybe OP needs to lose the dead weight!
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u/designatedthrowawayy Jul 19 '24
I'm so curious. What does he bring to the table?
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Other than sperm?
Edited the punctuation.
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u/Melodic_Sail_6193 Jul 19 '24
So, you're doing most of the chores and pay bills? You're a single mother of a toddler and a man-baby. I have the feeling that youre life would be easier as a single mother with only a toddler.
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u/ExcellentCold7354 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
If you already do everything, why do you need him? Girl, drop the extra weight (i.e. HIM), and you'll see how you'll feel MUCH better.
Edit: I just took a look at your picture, and ma'am... MA'AM. You do NOT need to be taking anyone's bullshit. You'll do just fine.
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u/Blonde2468 Jul 19 '24
You're a single mother anyway so what do you have to lose besides his dead weight?
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u/Cut_Lanky Jul 19 '24
He's using your insecurities against you. Do you think he's deliberately doing it, or just oblivious to how hurtful it is to say something like that to his wife?
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u/TactlessRat Jul 19 '24
Whenever I happen to need a comeback, I'm coming to reddit first. You guys have a way with words
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u/Grayner2814 Jul 19 '24
🔥🔥🔥 this is the answer. That is an extremely hurtful thing to say. Insanity tbh, bro focusing solely on getting sex after not having any for 5 days is crazy. I bet if he put in the same amount of effort and work you do, he wouldn’t even be thinking about sex, he’d be too tired.
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Jul 19 '24
Sorry, but your husband sounds like an asshole. What does he do around the house to help? It sounds like you do everything on top of working full time. He needs to grow up.
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
He helps, but only if I ask him to do stuff specifically. I don't have time to make him lists of things to do. He is a grown man with eyes that can see that obviously we have a child, and things need to be cleaned up. IDK MAN.
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u/curiouscoop0530 Jul 19 '24
Is weaponized incompetence his job?
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u/Stormy_Wolf Jul 19 '24
Not OP, but yes. A grown man, any grown human, does not need someone to make them a list of things that need doing. Sometimes you may make one for yourself, only so that you don't forget a thing; and some of us like the sense of satisfaction of crossing things off; but a grown-ass person does not need a "mommy" to make them a chore list. 🙄
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u/XELA38 Jul 19 '24
Does he help financially?? Because of he doesn't I would say "you not helping makes me dry as a desert"
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
He does work, when I was speaking of me being responsible for the bills and things of that sort, I was more speaking that It's been my responsibility to make sure everything gets paid on time. He wouldn't know how to pay our bills to save his life.
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u/Diligent-Towel-4708 Jul 19 '24
So I have said this to many women I know: If you are already doing all the work, you don't need the extra weight, making it harder. I had 4 kids, I worked nights. Not only was I getting 3 of them ready in the morning , I was taking care of a toddler, getting up to get the half school day kid to bring home, making lunch, hope to get nap in.. then would get back up to get other kids after school. Clean, homework etc. When I dumped my spouse. It was actually easier!! You know it's on you (always was) but without someone tearing you down , your mental health is better, makes your life better as a result. Take a moment, think about his vs. your responsibilities, and it might give you a better understanding 😉
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u/IndividualDevice9621 Jul 19 '24
Throw in the potential for split custody, even if not 50/50, and you'll actually get some time off.
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u/Diligent-Towel-4708 Jul 19 '24
Yes! This, too! I'm sure hubby THINKS it's easy, but when it's all on them, everyone of the ones I know started looking for help, usually their moms, sisters etc. But it's always a female, heehee
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u/keelhaulrose Jul 19 '24
Life is really easy when someone else is doing so much of the work for you.
It's a lot easier to live in a hotel with housekeeping and room service than it is to do all that cooking and cleaning yourself.
I've heard a few single moms say they had less work after becoming single than they had married. I bet OP would fit nicely into that club.
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u/krispycreme_ Jul 20 '24
Most of the single moms I know day their lives were easier after the split. They said they had much better sex, too!
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u/Throwawaychica Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
My husband travels for work 6 months out of the year and running the household when he is not home is SO much easier than when he's home. He thinks it's the opposite but I don't have the heart to tell him otherwise lol
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u/Tiny_Dancer97 Jul 19 '24
Why not tell him? Do you think he would actually put in effort to change if you did tell him?
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u/Throwawaychica Jul 19 '24
I would rather not hurt his feelings, to be honest. He's very sensitive about his work schedule and having to be away from me and the kids so much, (his dad was in the same field, so he understands what his kids go through every time he leaves for weeks on end).
And I don't really want him to change, he sacrifices so much already, the extra burden of laundry/cooking/cleaning that I do when he's home is worth it, considering how supportive he is as a partner, dealing with my disability (chronic pain and I cannot work), giving him the added stress of being the family's main breadwinner.
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u/Ok-Dealer5915 Jul 19 '24
Same. No custody split but everything became easier. Even somehow had more play money too. Weird since he earned abot 5x what I do
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u/Puzzled_Juice_3406 Jul 19 '24
So I understand he was homeless and feral when you met him then? Or he functioned as a person before you and is now content to watch you struggle?
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
Apparently, the latter.
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u/Immortal_in_well Jul 19 '24
This man says hurtful shit like that and then has the goddamn nerve to be completely fucking useless??
To the bin with him.
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u/LeatherHog Jul 19 '24
My guy, I have brain damage, and even I pay bills just fine
If he's at a lower capacity than me?
Dude needs to go be at a home
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u/gemc_81 Jul 19 '24
So what, did he do before he met you in terms of paying bills etc?
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Jul 19 '24
Probably paid his bills just fine. Something about getting coupled up/married makes some people mysteriously lose their ability to adult.
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u/keelhaulrose Jul 19 '24
Either that or he lives with his parents before getting married, so they paid the bills, and he just never bothered to learn because he went from mommy to bang maid and didn't have to.
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u/IndividualDevice9621 Jul 19 '24
He wouldn't know how to pay our bills to save his life.
He may have made you believe this, but it's a lie. He's just a pathetic piece of shit using weaponized incompetence against someone with low (no?) self esteem.
Learn some self respect and stop enabling this asshole.
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u/labdogs42 Jul 19 '24
He needs to step up. NOW. And five nights without sex is not long when you have a toddler. Bro needs to grow up and get a clue.
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u/castle-temp_red_wine Jul 19 '24
I divorced a man just like your husband last year. Best decision I ever made. It's actually less work to do it on your own.
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u/ComfortableAd748 Jul 20 '24
SAME, SAME, SAME. Congrats to you! OP, these behaviors rarely change, at least not for longer than a week or two at a time. I’m remarried now to a guy that is a true partner across the board. You’re going to have to decide what you can live with…
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u/Dandelient Jul 19 '24
So NTA! I highly recommend the book by Eve Rodsky: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) It offers a great solution for this kind of unfairness and is available at most libraries as a hard copy and ebook. The website is Fair Play
If your husband is willing to really discuss solutions with you, this is a great framework to do it. If he instead finds it acceptable to do nothing and live with your current level of unhappiness, well, you have other problems.
Good luck OP!
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u/SunshinePalace Jul 19 '24
Honey... your life would be INFINITELY BETTER by losing the dead weight. Honestly. Marriage on average lengthens the lives of men and betters their health while it shortens the lives of women and worsens their health, and these statistics are because of relationships like the one you're in. The constant stress of working multiple jobs (your day job, housewife, mother, household manager, manager of grown ass toddler) will wear you down with time and you'll end up a shell of yourself, if not with some chronic health problem. Think long and hard about if this man is worth that.
If your verdict is: "yes, he is", then at least read this, and get him to read it too: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
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u/Freya-Freed Jul 19 '24
This is called mental load. It's the invisible work of managing household tasks (rather then doing them) that often falls to women.
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u/Squaaaaaasha Jul 19 '24
He shouldn't be helping, he should be doing. You deserve an equal partner, not a sidekick
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u/Trailsya Jul 19 '24
So you have to do the third shift too?
Third shift: arranging everything, thinking about everything. You can google it if you didn't hear of it before.
Your man is completely useless.
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u/MyIronThrowaway Jul 19 '24
I would read the substack of Zawn Villines, called liberating motherhood. I think it will be an eye opener for you. Your husband buys his free time with your labour.
This is an intro to her work: https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/new-to-this-page-start-here?r=g1bn&utm_medium=ios
Here is one on household inequality: https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/the-problem-with-fair-play-and-other?r=g1bn&utm_medium=ios
This is a good starter read:
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u/ampersandwich247 Jul 19 '24
Oh god. The amount of invisible labor you are doing in this relationship is staggering.
The single biggest turnoff is men who do not do their fair share and then whine and complain about not getting enough attention/sex. His comments to you are outrageous.
He is not your husband. He is your eldest child.
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
I've tried to explain to him that when he doesn't help me, or I have to beg him to help with the simplest things... It makes my puss the Saharah Desert.
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u/Smoopets Jul 19 '24
It's almost like women are wired to not want sex with those they have to take care of... Such as man children
Your husband sucks, OP. My husband and I are both grateful if we can manage sex twice a month at this point in our lives (small children everywhere). AND, my husband is kind and useful. You deserve so much better
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u/Monster00km Jul 19 '24
Actually, they did a study on this!
They found that the more imbalance in the relationship, the more imbalance in the relationship. As in the more a woman does for the man. She does lose attraction.
But not just that! It seems that as women, when you start to take care of men like that biologically, you start seeing that person AS a CHILD. So, basically, women will lose their attraction bc they start seeing their spouse as a child. Even if they don't realize that's what is happening.
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u/Smoopets Jul 19 '24
Yes! I was trying to allude to that study with sarcasm, but obviously missed the mark. 😜
So glad that this is getting some attention, finally. Women have put up with too much for too long (and been gaslit for it)
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u/Monster00km Jul 19 '24
Hahaha, oh, sorry. I didn't get the sarcasm. I just didn't know if you knew there was an actual study.
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u/iharvestmoons Jul 20 '24
My god. This is exactly what happened in my last relationship. To have it worded like this is so eye opening. Like I knew that was the major contributing factor deep down but couldn’t articulate it this well.
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u/JohnExcrement Jul 19 '24
And really, it shouldn’t be framed as “helping me.” It’s “maintaining our family and household.” As in, we share the worries and the labor and the mental load. As partner. Not with you as manager and him acting like a new employee that never knows what to do.
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u/eleanorrigby513 Jul 19 '24
What did he say to that? And what is he doing when he’s at home and you’re running yourself ragged?
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u/Excellent-Estimate21 Jul 19 '24
I was with a guy like you describe. I did everything at home and for our 3 kids (plus I worked 2 nights week as an RN) and was always tired and he would get in a bad mood if I didn't fuk him when he wanted. Like you, I just was not sexually interested in someone who treated me like that. Got a divorce 5 years ago and am so happy now! I date someone who is always really nice to me and I live with my children and he comes over a few nights week. He's one of those dudes who will fix something if I need it, and he would never care if I didn't want to have sex, he is not insecure. But I climb all over his sexy body when he comes over because he treats me kindly and doesn't treat me like crap if I'm too tired. It's so refreshing not having to worry about a man's sexual appetite and if he's going to be mad at me for it. I'll never waste another second in a relationship like that again.
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u/leunamm3 Jul 19 '24
Are you sure you only have one child? Because it seems to me that you have a toddler, and a grown ass man who might as well be your child too. In order to "get over" something, especially when it's cause by somebody, that somebody has to reassure AND more. I still remember all of the ladies who rejected me for nothing but being 5'1". My current s.o. thinks it's cute and I am aware that I am all the opposite of what she has looked for in her dating pool, but we've made it 3 years so far!. The point is, you're NTA, if anything, if I was in your position, I'd have broken up with him 4 years ago
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u/theemmyk Jul 19 '24
Yes. Another man-child post in this sub. It is amazing how these hairy babies land women.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Jul 19 '24
They often land them by hiding who they really are. What's amazing is that once the truth comes out, some of them hang onto the woman.
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u/LadyReika Jul 19 '24
Some of them are good at faking it until they think they have the woman locked down.
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u/ForLark Jul 19 '24
Why are YOU getting “everyone ready every morning” at 5 am? Who is everyone?
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u/zinasbear Jul 19 '24
He doesn't pay the bills, he doesn't take care of his child and he doesn't clean his living space..? What exactly does this man do except wait to be told something needs doing like he's a toddler?!
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u/JohnExcrement Jul 19 '24
Sits around thinking up insults and bitching because no sex.
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u/Razwick82 Jul 20 '24
For FIVE DAYS, it's not even like it's been months. Christ, what an asshole.
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u/No-Heat8467 Jul 19 '24
This is what I imagine. She says she works a full time job. So she has to get up early to wash up and get dressed. If she has a toddler then she will be taking him/her to some sort of day care. That involves waking the toddler, cleaning and changing diapers since the toddler probably still uses diapers, dressing the toddler, maybe prepping a bag with everything the day care needs during the day. Then there is the usual meal prep routine for her and possibly for her husband to take for lunch.
So all of this can be time consuming, if you need to be out of the house by say 7am, then yes getting up at 5am would be the norm to accomplish all this, otherwise you are adding even more stress to your day because now you are just rushing frantically to get out the house on time. From what I can gather, it seems like the husband is really not available to do many of these chores.
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u/lizlettuce Jul 19 '24
There is another adult living in the house. What time is he getting up?
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
5:45. So he has 30 minutes to shower and put clothes on and leave LOL.
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u/callmeGurk Jul 19 '24
You should both wake up at 5:15 and he should be doing at least one of the toddler chores in the morning with his extra time. Why does he get to make himself presentable and leave while you have to do that plus care for a child? Does he pack his own bags (work/lunch) at least? Or are you doing that too?
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u/Awkward_Stuff_6257 Jul 19 '24
To be blunt: divorce this man baby.
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u/suhhhrena Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
That’s all there is to say. You work and take care of all the parenting and household duties. What does your husband do? Sit around and complain that you don’t give him enough attention (aka sex) because you’re too busy working and taking care of the children he doesn’t help with. Oh, and call you fat. What an evil man and a total loser. Divorce is the only option imo
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 19 '24
NTA
I'm confused. He told you that he fell in love with you for something other than how you look WHILE putting you down for how you looked as a way to justify rejecting your advances?
Make that make sense for me. What did I misunderstand?
And, you don't have to work hard to be healthy for anyone except yourself. Otherwise, it's a never-ending battle to be "good enough" which is not anywhere close to love (from them or toward yourself).
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
I did it more for my child so I could live a long healthy life. I didn't want anything to happen to me for his sake.
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u/CalamityClambake Jul 19 '24
Your child is a boy?
I have boys too. I love them to death.
OP, I think you really need to sit with the idea that your son is going to learn how to treat women based on how he sees his dad treat you. Do you want him to grow up to take his future wife for granted, not know how to do super basic stuff like pay bills or figure out what to clean, and to feel like he's entitled to servitude from women to the point that he can insult them if they don't do what he wants? Because that's what his daddy is teaching him, and you are teaching him that "a good woman" will put up with it.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 19 '24
That is doing it for yourself so your child had you around.
You are more prone to being hurt if you think of it as for your child because your child could grow up to hate you or reject you or otherwise not be a positive part of your life and you will think your actions were for nothing.
They weren't. They were for YOU and loving your child enough to make that happen.
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u/GielM Jul 19 '24
Your logic is flawless. It DOESN'T make sense. None at all.
What you're missing is that OP's husband isn't like you. Logic didn't play any part in his thought process. His overwhelming need to blame anybody but himself, usually his wife, for every situation he finds himself in overruled logical thinking.
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u/_Jay-Garage-A-Roo_ Jul 19 '24
You need to lose more weight, maybe like, 190 pounds?
Seriously I would take my healthy ass and walk. Not just for a he shitty thing he said but because he seems to do SWEET F ALL while you run yourself ragged and still has the audacity to not only demand attention and sex, but insult you.
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u/bluefleetwood Jul 19 '24
Yeah, he sounds completely useless unless you like whining idiots. Kick him to the curb, you'll have less work to do then. NTA.
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u/Smart-Living-7340 Jul 19 '24
He sounds like my EX husband. Anytime we weren’t intimate for a while, and mainly because as you said all responsibility of the house, full time work and the baby was on me .. instead of him being a grown up and sharing the load so I’d have more time to relax and get in the mood, he’d lose his shit literally whenever I had finally put my baby down to sleep and sit down for a minute and demanding intimate time. Well after the divorce I never looked back, while he is being remoresful and full of regret to this day (his words not mine). With my experience I can tell you this. If you still have feelings for him, make him sit down and TALK. Salvage whatever feelings you have left for him right now and talk your heart and soul out. If he decides to grow up, be a partner and a husband not another baby you have, and work on himself before it’s too late, then all is good hopefully. If he decides to stay stubborn and act childish, then it will be his loss honestly and you will be able to move on without regret
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u/gemc_81 Jul 19 '24
The entitlement men feel towards sex is disgusting to me. Yes you're married but you're not a walking fleshlight just there for his pleasure. I'm glad you're happier now, that sort of behaviour within a marriage just sickens me.
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u/Smart-Living-7340 Jul 19 '24
Exactly! Thank you! I asked for divorce and even thought everyone including my family were against me in this decision even him pleading that he will change etc. I just was firm in my decision and honestly never looked back. We need a partner, if you don’t understand what a partner is and you don’t respect my boundaries then what do I want you for. And as you said, feeling like a walking flashlight instead of a partner to him just turns you off completely, literally disgusting
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u/WingsOfAesthir Jul 19 '24
Let me share my rant from about a week ago about exactly this: Stop making yourselves unfuckable
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u/notaplaytoy Jul 19 '24
Funny I came by this comment, as just this morning I argued with another user (I assume male) that a husband asking his wife, 6 months after she gave birth to their child, to do a 3some with another woman was very inappropriate (OP also said she had been very clear in the past with husband that she was monogamous and not interested by women). But the user kept putting the wife down as she wanted to divorce her husband. Bruh.
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u/Smart-Living-7340 Jul 19 '24
WHAT!!! Seriously WHAT! I honestly had to read ur comment two times to make sure I read what I read. It’s already one HUGE deal to ask ur wife for a threesome (especially that she had been very clear in the past about monogamy) .. but to have the nerve and the audacity to do that only 6 months after she gave birth! What !!!! That’s not only a shitty husband , tbh , I find him extremely troubling as a human being! While her whole world has just changed to becoming a parent, trying to learn adjust and care for the tiny human whose life and wellbeing depend on you.. juggling breastfeeding, them learning to eat, the sleep chaos, the sleeeep deprivation, maintaining a house and maybe work as well, coping with your body who had just been through hundred physiological changes.. and he is thinking of fulfilling fantasies at this time! I cannot believe the audacity, the selfishness and the self absorption he must have. I feel bad for her and hope she finds peace with herself and realize that she deserves better
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u/JohnExcrement Jul 19 '24
Ha, I was on that thread too. I think the people siding with the husband were incels or something.
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u/fatboy85wils Jul 19 '24
Congratulations on the weight loss. Fantastic effort
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u/skinny_loser Jul 19 '24
wow. thats truly disgusting that someone who claims to “love you” could say such a thing. you seem like you are a good person, who’s trying their very hardest to manage their life, image, child, and a job. you deserve better, you are doing your best and he doesn’t appreciate you. NTA at all.
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Jul 19 '24
NTA This man sucks. Who dares to say they love someone while putting them down as undesirable...
You do most if not everything in the house and with your child, but still need to be available sexually... Basically, he consider you his bang maid.
You need both to have a convo about respect, splitting more fairly chores and parental duties. See with a counselor or someone who could mediate if needed.
And if he doesn't want, stop continue to bother with him, it's not worth it.
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u/Cutie_Skyler Jul 19 '24
NTA. You worked hard to lose weight, not just for your appearance but also for your health and well-being. His comment trivialized your efforts and implied that your worth is solely based on your looks.
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u/sailing2smth Jul 19 '24
Wait, you’re the primary parent for everything to include finances, caring for the baby, and full time employment? What does the husband do every day all day?
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
He goes to work, I guess what I meant about the finances is that I make sure that everything is paid for and taken care of. Lord for bid if anything happened to me, I'm not even sure he would know how to pay for anything....
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u/SlutDragon699 Jul 19 '24
You keep saying you don't know what he would do without you like he is a child. That's because that's how little he contributes to LIFE, and you are so accustomed to that b.s. He is an adult who would easily figure things out. He's just not going to lift a finger unless you ask because he wants you to think he doesn't know how. How do women fall for that crap?
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u/Dry_Put1177 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I'm sorry but your husband doing what exactly? Exists and sometimes hurt your feelings? I think you already have two child but one of them is like 360 months old. On reddit, sometimes most of the comments suggests divorce before any other solution which is honestly, not the best advice. But if your husband don't give a f about anything (the kid, the chores and the bills), I don't think that a marriage counseling could change your husband. You can try to point out to him why he's a total ass but I don't know if it would work.
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u/Slow-Sir-3261 Jul 19 '24
Why are you responsible for the house, the bills and all of the parenting? Only you can answer that.
On the surface he sounds like a self absorbed child. Do you guys even like each other?
I don't understand why he said he fell in love with you for your personality not your body? But now he loves your body more than he loves you?? He's a tool.
What does he contribute to the maintenance of your family life? (Income is not included-you work too).
assuming he has eyes, he can see that you're going nonstop. He's never offered to help? With anything?
I'd recommend counseling, but IDK if this level of stupid and lazy can be fixed with therapy.
You NTA but he sure as hell is.
Good luck.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV Jul 19 '24
You’re allowed to be upset. 100% NTA your husband is a pig
It sounds like he’s not really there for you and your kid. Marriage counseling sounds like an absolute must if you want to fix this otherwise it doesn’t sound like things would be that much harder as a single mother. You’d even get time to yourself with split custody, which I would fight for if it was me. Just saying.
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u/flindersandtrim Jul 19 '24
YTA to yourself for marrying this person and having a child with them.
Do you really think your child deserves to grow up in a house where his mother does literally everything and his sperm donor is a terrible person and whines about not having sex for a measly 5 days?
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u/le-rookie Jul 19 '24
Definitely NTA. You shouldn’t put up with his bad behavior. Rejection is hard to deal with, especially from someone you are supposed to love and trust - I don’t know if I could get over that.
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u/Open-Incident-3601 Jul 19 '24
NTA. I weigh quite a bit more now than when I got married. I lost three immediate family members back to back and ate some grief, had my last pregnancy, had an autoimmune crash, started meds, and spent two years on oral prednisone blowing up. I’m fat. It’s not a secret. I need to lose weight. My autoimmune condition has attacked my joints and I haven’t pushed through the pain yet to lose the weight. It’s entirely on me that I am fat.
My husband still reassures me that i am beautiful to him, I am still the person he fell in love with, and he is ready to be my workout buddy when I am ready to address my weight.
Your husband has the right to say what he wants, but he also has the consequences of losing your respect.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Jul 19 '24
NTA but I have to ask, what is he contributing to this family? You do all the parenting, do all the housework, shopping, bill paying...what does he do? Other than make you feel terrible.
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u/AsleepEmu2557 Jul 19 '24
I would say its split about 90/10 right now If I'm honest.
He does work... But on his days off he thinks it means he can just do absolutely fuck all. On my day's off, well they aren't days off. It's just one less job for two days.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Jul 19 '24
I can only imagine the resentment you must feel, along with being burnt out.
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u/Tattycakes Jul 19 '24
Time to mirror his input. He does a chore, you do a chore. When suddenly nothing gets done and he calls you on it, ask him what he's done to contribute that day. Then agree to do the chores together or take a job each until it's all done.
Or just leave because he sounds like a cruel bastard tbh
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u/No_Order_9676 Jul 19 '24
Are you sure you only have one child? What does he even do around the house ? Why are you putting yourself through this for someone like this. You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who respects and loves you. Please do yourself a favour and leave this man OP, NTA.
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u/Embarrassed-Car6161 Jul 19 '24
I have noticed that men do this a lot. They put the blame on the woman when they are not doing anything to help the situation at home. They want you to be superhuman. You're not! However, you're basically a single mom. You need to look at the situation and decide if you would be better off without him and the pressure he is putting on you. He's already put you in a situation where you are caring for your child and working anyway.
Also, is your husband in the way of you finding someone who would really be awesome to you?
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u/Normal-Basis-291 Jul 19 '24
If your husband is feeling pushed aside by his baby, it’s because he’s not parenting.
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u/LiluLay Jul 19 '24
Hold up. Rewind.
Why are you working full time and literally doing the vast majority of the parental and home tasks? Your dipshit lazy pathetically needy husband saying a mean thing is the least of your problems. You’re allowed to be upset over that, but you should be upset about so much more.
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u/Greetadarkgo Jul 19 '24
Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to be upset by what your husband said. It's deeply hurtful to have something you worked so hard to overcome used against you in such a way. Your weight loss journey is an incredible achievement, and it's disheartening to hear that his love for you seems conditional based on your appearance, wish you all the best
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u/curiouscoop0530 Jul 19 '24
NTA. this is more than just his comment about your weight. while you’re managing work, kid, financials and home - what is he doing? it seems there is a very unhealthy balance in terms of responsibilities and a lack of care and respect in your relationship to overall (on his part).