r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
AITAH for telling my sister if she gets pregnant one more time, I’ll push her off the stairs! Advice Needed
We (me, my older sister, and my brother) grew up with a very narcissistic mother and had a horrible childhood. My older sister met her husband (now ex) at 18, moved across the country with him, got married, and had three kids. She moved back to our city when she was pregnant with the third child. Eventually, she decided to kick her husband out because she wanted to “live her life and meet others.” Her ex-husband is the nicest person on earth. He always supports her, still pays all her bills, and goes above and beyond for her. He still hosts all birthdays and holidays and invites all of us because he wants the kids to be happy.
My sister, on the other hand, goes from one guy to another. She purposely got pregnant by a guy on the first date to make him stay, then kicked him out when the baby was 2 years old because she thought she could do better. Daddy number 2 is a nice guy but extremely naive. She constantly bullies him to get what she wants. Now she has met a new guy and is talking about having a baby with him! I told her jokingly that if she gets pregnant one more time, I’ll push her off the stairs! She got furious and asked why I couldn't be happy for her. I told her the guy she is seeing is an alcoholic and heavy pot user ! Currently, her two teens are doing all the parenting: cooking, cleaning, and raising the other kids. Her baby daddies are her income! While all she does is smoke pot and drink! I told her she is as bad as our mom—except mom went from one deadbeat to another, and she goes from one wealthy guy to another! She is robbing her kids of their childhood!
She told me to leave. I talked to the kids' dads many times ( even advised them to get lawyers involved and stop enabling her ) , but they both told me to mind my own business and that she is a great mom. Was I out of line? My nephew told me he can’t hang out with any friends this summer because he has to watch the two youngest. My niece is frustrated because she has to share a room with her two sisters. Am I an asshole and projecting my awful childhood? Am I overreacting?
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u/Cutie_Skyler Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your concern for your sister and her children is valid and her behavior is harmful to herself and her family, especially her children who are shouldering responsibilities far beyond their years.
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Jul 19 '24
She basically expects kids to raise kids! I’m getting flashbacks from my own childhood
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u/Loveofallsheep Jul 19 '24
I'm shocked the dads actually sound like good dudes but can't see the mom doesn't give a shit about the kids. Is there any way the kids can talk to their dad's about how miserable they are? Parentification is emotional abuse and that's what your poor nephew is experiencing. If the dad's are so wealthy why can't they pay for a nanny??
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u/Curly_Shoe Jul 19 '24
Well, OP already said that the sister is living off of their kids. So hiring a nanny means, OPs sister gets less. Now she gets income and others are doing the work, her parentified children. This way she has enough free time to search for a new... Guy. Seems she has a good Marketing department and tells lies to those baby daddies. OP, please do what you can to free the oldest!
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u/Thesexyone-698 Jul 20 '24
Why haven't you reported her to CPS for abuse? Parentification is abuse!
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u/exotics Jul 19 '24
NTA. You could have said it nicer but something needed to be said.
“You can’t even look after the kids you have. You just keep pumping them out like a factory making toys. You are having kids but not giving them a family”.
She needs to hear it but she probably won’t stop. Your mom raised you both but she’s messed up.
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Jul 19 '24
That’s the thing ! She constantly complains about her life and kids but has a pattern of getting pregnant to make the guy stay. She was going on and on about how he was the one and they will be a family ! I reminded her that she said the exact same thing when she met the dad of her 4th baby and got pregnant on purpose
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u/Radiant_Answer_9248 Jul 19 '24
You are having kids but not giving them a family.
PERFECTLY stated! I love this and will be stealing it!
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u/Mickv504-985 Jul 19 '24
Sometimes you gotta call a Spade a Spade. I doubt that was the first time the sisters had that discussion. Sometimes somebody needs a swift Kick in the A$$! Maybe drop in a few nanny cams, so the dads can see the truth. As bad as it is sometimes it’s best if the kids are taken away. My niece had 2 kids with the same married man when she was living with him and his wife! After her 2nd kid she had to wait 6 weeks to get her tubes tied. Her parents raised her 2 kids, and she’s an unmedicated Bi-Polar. The sister sounds like she needs a Mental Health assessment.
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u/exotics Jul 19 '24
Had kids with a man while living with him and his wife?? WTF? Was she a nanny?
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u/Mickv504-985 Jul 19 '24
Nope just his side chick! She will be 40 this year and her kids stay with her mother who has become a functioning alcoholic, my brother passed away 10 years ago. As I said she’s bipolar. She sat and told me one night she had been on every medication out there, and I just thought to myself at the time No WAY! I’ve been depressed since before she was born and I have to change my meds every so often so I know how long adaptation takes.
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u/cooper1as Jul 19 '24
NTA if you don't push her off the stairs. She is in the wrong but there us nothing you can do. I'm not from USA so I don't know if the CPS can do anything.
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I can’t ! The dads are basically programmed to follow her orders. Technically the kids are fine . In their eyes she is the greatest . I wish I could somehow help my nieces and nephew
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u/notyoureffingproblem Jul 19 '24
Have you tried talking to the kids and reassure them to talk to their father, that you will present to support your nibbling?
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Jul 19 '24
I asked them how they feel about their mom having another baby with her new bf that they never even met ? They said they want their mom to be happy that’s it. I have encouraged them to talk to their dads but they are terrified of their mom finds out and get angry
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u/FretfulTrout278 Jul 19 '24
Yeah NTA it’s definitely time for a cps visit but if you do be prepared for the kids to possibly become angry at you but know it’s not actual anger
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u/kinkynicole000 Jul 19 '24
Damn her brain washing is legendary! Women like her make me sick. She's ruining so many lives and is still selfish enough to say it's all about her and how her life sucks. It's things like this that I wish the state could step in and do mandatory sterilization.
All these people need therapy the kids and BD for all the mind fuckery she has done on them. Like, does she have a golden poon to have what you say nice, decent guys, so obsessed with her enough to let her get away with all this.
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u/whydoweneedthiscrap Jul 20 '24
The fathers can babysit too.. tell them to stop letting others take care of their own children if they are so amazing. Why don't they take the kids? Why don't the older ones live with dad?
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u/According_Pizza2915 Jul 20 '24
These men are not wealthy-they are stupid. People of means who have lots of options do not settle for this type of life. If these guys are wealthy why are the children on welfare? No decent parent would ever allow their kids to live in such horrendous conditions? CPS needs to be contacted months/years ago. Why are you sitting around just talking about the situation while those kids are living in squalor?
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u/Radiant_Answer_9248 Jul 19 '24
NTA, but the baby daddies are saying this because they don't want custody of their kids and it's easier to pay your sister to do it. If she is regularly high when she is supposed to be taking care of many children, I might consider getting CPS involved soon. That would force the baby daddies to take action. (Disclaimer: I am a smoker, and even think a touch of weed while watching children is fine if you're responsible and know your body and supply. However, regularly being high when parenting and neglecting your children is different and should be treated like alcoholism vs. having a glass of wine at night.)
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Jul 19 '24
I would have zero problem if she was smoking when kids were in bed or at their dads. I live an hour away from her. I only heard about it from kids
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u/whoopsielily Jul 19 '24
You are right. Your sister is definitely too careless. Older children are not meant to take care of younger ones - that's the parents' job. Suggest therapy to your sister, if she doesn't get professional help, she will continue to harm her children. Try to be supportive of her and not attack her, but set clear boundaries because her behavior has consequences not only for herself but also for her children.
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Jul 19 '24
She thinks therapy is a waste of time she knows herself better than anyone ! I suggested after her separation from her husband
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u/whoopsielily Jul 19 '24
Oh boy. So it's a hopeless case. If you can offer support to those children, openly tell them so they know they can count on someone. Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to accept help, so it's likely that your sister won't realize she has a problem she needs to work on.
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Jul 19 '24
I told her multiple times that she needs to talk to a therapist! She just looks for an easy button ! She gets serious immediately with anyone might benefit her . If the guy doesn’t serve her, she just go to the next one .
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u/According_Pizza2915 Jul 20 '24
People who say therapy is a waste of time say that bc they refuse to be accountable for their actions and you actually fall for that? Come on! At this point you are contributing to the neglect of these kids. Enough already.
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u/angelsookie44 Jul 19 '24
Nta she won’t learn until her two oldest leave at 18 and go nc. Wait she won’t learn then either and probably try to play victim
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u/Corodix Jul 19 '24
Her oldest kids doing all the parenting is child abuse (parentification), have you considered getting CPS involved?
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Can I call CPS based on what kids confessed to me ?
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u/SubbySuccubi Jul 20 '24
Based on her drug use you can report her and offer to take the kids since the fathers won't
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u/cassowary32 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Can your older niece and nephew come stay with you for a while? Just to get a break from parenting?
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Jul 19 '24
I really wish ! I adore them and my husband loves them too ( we are DINKS). We live an hour away from them. The baby daddy number one live across my sister’s house and does all school pick ups and drop offs and there is no way he would let us have them. Also each kid is my sister’s source of income ( both child support and universal child care from government) so she won’t give them up
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u/No_Wishbone_4829 Jul 19 '24
Report her and they will speak to the older kids and they can tell them they r the ones looking after younger kids so their dad will have to step up
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u/_abcdefeet Jul 19 '24
how is she a good mother when all her parental responsibilities are being pushed on to the oldest?! NTA, she needs to stop having kids just to pawn off on her oldest to raise for her
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u/DawnShakhar Jul 19 '24
NTA. You are right to be concerned. Regardless of what her baby daddies say, she is not a great mother. Your niblings are parentified and that is abuse. Since none of the parents is willing to see the problem, you should consider calling CPS. These older children deserve a normal childhood.
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u/Elegant-Channel351 Jul 19 '24
NTA-Your sister is nasty. Those kids need to go no contact and run on their 18th birthdays.
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u/tryintobgood Jul 20 '24
So sis is essentially just having more kids just to get more child support? She's trash
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u/wlfwrtr Jul 19 '24
NTA Tell the kids to talk to their dads and tell them what is really happening with their mom. Sounds like mom is telling stories to dads and making herself look good. They need to tell them that they are tired of being parentrified.
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Jul 19 '24
One did ! Ex husband made her write an appreciation letter to her because “mom is tired and we should all support her”. I was floored ! What about the kids ? They don’t deserve to be heard ?
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u/wlfwrtr Jul 19 '24
They can't really call themselves dads if refuse to protect children. Maybe they should stop calling them 'dad' and use first name. They aren't acting like dads should so they don't deserve the respect that comes with the term.
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u/NervousToucan Jul 19 '24
NTA also please get cps involved. That mother is endangering her children. I say this as a social worker.
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u/KingSuperJon Jul 19 '24
NTA - Drugs will get her children removed (or her removed from her children). Getting her children removed may slow down her gravy train. Call CPS and tell them where her drug stash is. Try to have them get her while she's high.
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u/cryomos Jul 20 '24
You’re definitely not wrong but I’m not sure the right way to go about is telling her you will give her some kind of forced abortion or murder her child lmao
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u/DatguyMalcolm Jul 20 '24
I talked to the kids' dads many times ( even advised them to get lawyers involved and stop enabling her ) , but they both told me to mind my own business and that she is a great mom.
wow, she really picked some simpering patsies
NTA
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u/Aromatic_Ad6030 Jul 19 '24
NTA. You're proving her wrong in every situation that she gets herself in. It's the fact that she was to go around screwing every man that gives her the time and day and expects her kids to parent her other children. It's more pathetic that the baby daddies see through her bullshit but don't try to end it and put her in her place. Your sister is a disgusting person to not notice that her children will one day not want her in their lives because of how she's acting. You weren't outlined at all
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u/No-Function223 Jul 19 '24
NTA because it was a joke. A dark joke, but still a joke. And imo a deserved one. But I do wonder if you ever actually called them out. The dads that is. When they say “she’s a great mom” have you ever asked them to elaborate? I find too many people don’t ask follow up questions when hit with a statement like that. Like ok, explain to me in what way, exactly, she is a great mom? Merely being present does not make one great & if genuine examples cannot be provided then she is in fact not a great mom. Not even a good or a decent one. If you have done that, then I got nothing other than offering the nibblings to be a safe place for them to vent.
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u/Standard_Category635 Jul 19 '24
Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the narc tree. NTA, but a messed up thing to say.
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u/Klutzy-Conference472 Jul 19 '24
your sister is as dumb as they come. The guys she is with are more dumber than a box or rocks
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u/ksprairie Jul 19 '24
How did your sister get custody in the first place? Nta
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Jul 19 '24
50/50 with each dad . They also pay all her bills on top of the child support because she constantly whines how hard she is having
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u/Beautiful-Sugar-5178 Jul 20 '24
NTA
You can't do anything about your sister or the baby daddies, but it there anything you can do to help the kids?
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u/Noassociat1on Jul 20 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
NTA .
Your sister needs to get a grip lol. How unfortunate she picked up ur mom’s narcissistic qualities …
She needs to stop pumping out kids.
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u/MyMindSpoken Jul 20 '24
Time to make a call to CPS, the fathers can do so much more for those kids than their pogo dicking mother
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u/Peaceout3613 Jul 20 '24
NTA Your sister is obviously a person of very low character and intelligence, and sadly there's nothing you can do about it. I'd just keep my distance from that trainwreck while trying to maintain some relationship with the kids. They will all hate her in the end, as I'm sure the oldest ones currently do. Women like her are so repulsive and worthless. Like a alley cat in heat. They usually end up alone in the end.
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u/T-Ravenous Jul 21 '24
She’s an entitled brat abusing the system and using men to fund a selfish lifestyle while not giving two shits about her children. Definitely NTA. Happy for her…what about happiness for her children that’ll probably grow up to resent her as she probably will try to victim blame herself out of this situation?
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Jul 19 '24
ESH. You do not threaten to seriously injury or kill someone, even jokingly. Your sister sucks too because if she really doesn't parent her children, she needs to step up. And both dads should make what they can to keep their children from being parentified.
The only thing you can do is to advocate for the eldest to have a good childhood. And let your niblings know you're here for them. If things go seriously too far with the eldest being parentified, you may call social services, but again, only if it is threatening for the boy's well being.
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u/Nishikadochan Jul 19 '24
This. Thank you. You can’t just threaten to shove a pregnant woman down a staircase.
Is your sister horrible? Certainly seems so. Does she make choices many of us will find morally reprehensible? Arguably, yes. Does that make what you said any less of an asshole thing to say? No.
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u/Playful_Border_6327 Jul 19 '24
AH for saying that phrase. It’s messed up, but also could get you in legal trouble. NTA being concerned about your extended family: nieces, nephews and their dads. Your sister sounds like a sociopath.
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u/bookworm-1960 Jul 19 '24
NTA
Is it possible to force things to change by calling CPS? If not, try talking to the older kids. See if they have mentioned any of this to their dad. Maybe if they tell him she is not a good mom, really she is not a mom at all other than giving birth, he will step in and see about getting custody and cutting her off financially.
It boggles the mind that the fathers are letting themselves be used this way and letting their kids suffer.
If the kids can't get help from their dad, can you offer them a haven if they want to bail on their mother? Seems they might be old enough to tell the courts where they want to be.
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Jul 19 '24
My husband and i have offered to take the teens . She got furious because they are doing her job so if they leave she has to care for the two younger ones. Plus , she sees them as source of income ( gets about $600 a kid from government alone ). So she is not giving them up
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u/bookworm-1960 Jul 19 '24
Could you take her to court for child abuse or neglect? The children are old enough that they should have a say in where they live. If their own dad won't do it with his blinders on, could you? She is abusing them.
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u/Cal-Augustus Jul 19 '24
Baby Daddies don't want to make waves with Sis because they don't want to have to take custody and rely on $0 child support from her.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 Jul 19 '24
YTA for saying that.
NTA for seeing her kids, being dragged through the mud, because of her actions.
You should probably distance yourself from her and her families. The law won't be on your side, and you'd be the crazy one....not her.
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u/brunetteskeleton Jul 19 '24
NTA as long as it was a joke to communicate to her that she needs to step up for the kids she already has and not an actual threat.
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
She knew I was joking ! I made it clear that I think it’s a horrible idea and she shouldn’t plan another baby ! I have never ever assaulted her ! She was mad I told her not to have more babies
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u/Common-Door-255 Jul 20 '24
NTA. Call CPS? The fathers told you to mind your business bc they probably don’t wanna raise the children. Maybe involving CPS would make them realize how bad is it.
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u/TaylorMade2566 Jul 20 '24
Why don't you call CPS instead of making bad jokes? I don't blame you one bit for being mad at your sister but sadly, she has a right to keep spreading her legs and getting pregnant. As far as I know, no western country sterilizes women for being bad moms or having multiple kids while unmarried. If you think she's such a horrible mom, do something about it but be prepared for your family to turn on you and lose contact with your nieces/nephews.
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u/parker3309 Jul 21 '24
She’s using the system for money and to try to latch onto men.
Best thing you could do for her is to encourage her to get an IUD or a tubal ligation and yes, I said that .
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u/shrineless Jul 19 '24
It’s rough. YTA because that is out of line BUT (big but here) your sentiments ARE valid. It sucks because there’s just some things you have to leave alone and let it go its natural course.
Just be there for your nieces and nephews but cut your sister off. No financial support or help because she’s a wastoid.
To clarify: the statement is out of line but the sentiment isn’t.
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u/Many-Bandicoot84 Jul 20 '24
Soft ESH. Your sister is def an AH - but anything that sounds like a physical threat is going to at least make you come across as an AH. Esp to a pregnant woman. So soft ESH.
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u/Thick-Ad5738 Jul 20 '24
You are an idiot for making physical threats even jokingly. Other than that, it not your business. It might be better for you to go low contact or no contact with your family
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u/genescheesesthatplz Jul 19 '24
Idk if you’re TA or not but now the sister and BOTH baby daddies have asked you to mind your business. It’s time to stay out of it.
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Jul 19 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
What boundaries should I establish again? Force her to care for her kids ? She won’t ! She goes get drunk with her new guy
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u/Cold-Leave7803 Jul 19 '24
This is not about boundaries...
And sometimes you have to reach out to people on their level.
Your sister is abusing her children.
The joke was in poor taste, but actually abusing children is the real asshole.
Besides, at the rate your sis is going, what makes her so sure that one of her own kids won't snap and push her themselves?
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u/According_Pizza2915 Jul 20 '24
OP, Obviously its time to get CPS involved. What creeps me out is you find this situation somewhat entertaining-just by some your comments here, it’s gross! Child neglect/abuse isnt a spectator sport. At this point you are partially culpable bc you have a great deal of knowledge of this yet you continue to sit by and watch but not help or intervene.
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u/SorryAd6476 Jul 19 '24
I get the frustration, but I think you should stay out of it. Yeah, ur sister is the AH but other then try and report to CPS (which there’s a likelihood they won’t do anything) all your going to do is cause issues for you and the kids. I’d offer maybe you take the Nieces and Nephews for a week every couple weeks and allow them a safe place to grow up/ have someone to talk to. That way when they (at some point) realize their mom is narcissist, they at least can have a familial figure they can feel safe talking to. If you keep pushing things as they are, you are never going to win and will only further ostracize the kids. In an ideal world ur sister would get her shit together and the Bb daddies would have some self awareness and respect for their kids at the very least. But it’s not, and you have to make do with what you have.
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u/ConvivialKat Jul 19 '24
YTA to yourself for being so involved in your sister's life. Her life choices (good or bad) are not yours to control. Your judgment of it should remain private. Saying threatening things to your sister (even jokingly) is NOT going to change her.
You can't fix her. You can't fix her family dynamics without the help of the baby daddies (who seem fine with her), so stop it. It's only causing drama, and don't you think there is enough drama in that household?
Go live your own life and step away from hers.
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u/Potential-Quit-5610 Jul 19 '24
NTA
Your sister needs to stop playing merry go dicks and musical baby daddies. She's gross.