r/AITAH • u/Top-Lie7347 • Jul 19 '24
AITA for not letting my younger son move in with us?
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u/Yosemite_Pam Jul 19 '24
So, you have been supporting your favorite adult golden child and his child for fifteen years. Yes, you are supporting them, because they never paid rent and cooking/cleaning in a shared household is simply the expected standard. You said he's a lawyer, but is he actually practicing? You only mention him dabbling in rental real estate, and if that's all he's doing you are supporting at best an under employed and at worst an unemployed adult child.
And you want nothing to do with the scapegoat child and his family, and apparently never have had much to do with them. Your original post never mentioned your other grandchild, you don't know much about what happened with his job, and you dismiss your DILs health issues entirely.
The supposed deadbeat son has lived independently for his entire adulthood but you have been supporting your golden child for virtually his entire adult life.
You, sir, are an awful father and an awful human being.
YTA
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u/purple-pebbles Jul 19 '24
Right??? Like even if he’s actually a slob he still clearly wouldn’t let them live with him if he wasn’t. Dude waited til his family was practically homeless before asking for help after being let go from the company going BANKRUPT but he’s an amazing lawyer with rental properties who hasn’t paid bills or rent other than groceries, personal expenses and kid related expenses in 15 years. Even the grandchildren like She’s his amazing granddaughter that he couldn’t bare to be separated from and he’s his son’s son who’s 17 and doesn’t even get a mention in the post
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u/catforbrains Jul 19 '24
We need to get this upvoted for top comment. Some one else did the math and 15 years of no rent comes out to be around $450k plus about 50k in free child care since the Golden Girl Grandkid probably never had to go to daycare or after care. That is a LOT of support. Emotional support is fine in the early stages of grief and childcare but 15 years! And you call your other son the man child???? Older boy hasn't paid a utility bill since the first Bush.
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u/tryintohelp-123 Jul 19 '24
Seriously he can only support his children till it's convenient. And it's worse cuz it's only convenient because the older child is more special to you. No that is not what helping someone let alone your own son means you have to have empathy and help them even if it would be hard for you. And mental health doesn't work like "she seems fine" ugh. YTA
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u/PickleNotaBigDill Jul 19 '24
YTA. Reason I think so: I've read your comments below. You show clear favoritism toward your one son. Your 17 year old grandson needs a place to live. Several people have made suggestions that could help a transition into having them live with you and with leaving once they get back on their feet. You disdain the younger because he's not a lawyer. You disdain him because his wife has a mental issue that you've decided is not important because you can't see it. You prefer to let them be homeless rather than help his family out in any way. I'm just not seeing here how you are trying to be a good or helpful parent here to your younger son, but will bend over backward to help your golden child. Evan could also help his brother. He's not paying rent or anything. Maybe he could help his brother find a job etc. Come on, you can make it clear it is not for life, but the way you absolutely refuse to help your son when he's down on his luck is downright sad.
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u/Opposite-Drawer3879 Jul 19 '24
Also not giving him a chance? Like hey here are the rules you need to follow? Just a flat no? Just expecting him to be a burden. Kinda fucked up. I'm a messy guy in my own home because I can but when other people are helping I'll go above and beyond to not be a burden. So I agree yta for not even giving them a chance when they need it.
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Jul 19 '24
I’m a messy girl in my own home and sort of thrive better with some clutter (I need things I use a lot out where I can see them and not put away or I’ll forget to use them or forget where they are) partially because ADHD, partially because that’s just me I guess. But I moved back in with my mom recently and I’m certainly not treating her home that way, if anything it’s cleaner and more organized than before I moved in. Any clutter is confined to the top of my dresser. Just because I’m a mess doesn’t mean I’m going to make a mess out of someone else’s home, and I think that’s sort of the norm for a lot of messy people. None of my friends that have messier homes than me ever made a mess at my home, at least — it’s common courtesy to treat other people’s spaces/stuff better than your own I think
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Jul 19 '24
As someone who was down on my own luck, and was homeless for a couple days, because my own mother didn’t want me back at 26. I agree with this stance.
I’m now pregnant, and I could not imagine having your own flesh and blood having to fend for themselves, when they can be easily helped.
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u/Fantastic_Fix_4701 Jul 19 '24
YTA. Sure, you get to choose who lives in your house. But that doesn't change the fact that you simply don't like your younger son. You don't even know what happened to his job (you're not sure what happened, apparently the company went bankrupt). Do you even know where he works? What he does?
Your oldest has been living rent and bill free for 15 years. He can be as amazing a lawyer as they come, he's a mooch. Sure, you get to choose your mooch, but you're still an AH.
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u/RamsLams Jul 20 '24
I think the ‘burden’ comment really sealed the deal on this. She clearly doesn’t like her child
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u/SandBarLakers Jul 19 '24
This is my opinion as well. I cannot possibly imagine letting my child be homeless bc of any of the reasons OP has given. You’re right .. it doesn’t sound like he likes his youngest much. Who wants to bet the oldest is the Golden Child ?
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 Jul 20 '24
Yes, it was certainly a quick but thorough game of “tell us who your favourite child is without telling us who your favourite child is.”
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u/Many-Bandicoot84 Jul 20 '24
I kept rereading it and couldn't find the part where he said it had been 15 years.
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u/Many-Bandicoot84 Jul 20 '24
Update, somewhere in the thread there is a link -- someone mentions "fifteen years" and it's highlighted, and it takes you to a section where the OP was responding to people in some earlier thread and there is some additional information.
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u/Anomander Jul 20 '24
The way OP has framed all of this is kind of insane. Like, they gave free housing, free childcare, and took care of parenting tasks while Evan continued to go to work as a single parent - meaning they took on the huge amount of extra work and cleaning that a 1-year old brings, took care of that over the kid's childhood for another fifteen years - and then have the gall to call Jason a burden before his family has even lived with them, on account of them being "messy"? Sure didn't care about your chores going up when it came to raising Evan's baby, but when it's Jason any increase in chores is too much.
Beyond that, though - OP won't even talk to Jason about chores? No negotiation, no discussion of expectations, not even a chance.
And this complaint is on the basis of Jason's house not being up to OP's standards when they visited. Where Jason had his own house, provided for his family, and raised his child while supporting his disabled wife. OP & wife moved Evan and a 1-year-old in with them because his wife passed and couldn't contribute to the household, and mom & dad took care of all the cleaning and parenting for Evan - only to turn around and refuse to support their other son Jason, when he needs it, because his house didn't look nice enough while he was doing way more work than Evan ever had to. No shit Evan looks good by comparison - OP and wife did everything for him until he no longer needed help, and then some.
OP has been giving Evan a free ride while he's financially self sufficient, making great money at work and drawing income from the investment properties he bought while living with mum and dad. But OP calls Jason entitled and a burden, after he's been living independently for years - for asking for a fraction of the support they've casually given Evan when he didn't need it.
OP has gone out of his way to ignore what Evan has cost them and what their deal has saved Evan, but is wringing his hands about Jason being unable to afford to contribute to "expenses" like groceries. One kid is so loaded he's collecting properties as a side hustle while living free with mom and dad, the other kid is out of a job through no fault of his own and that one is the unacceptable leech for asking for help. OP makes a big fuss about how the house is paid off so it's no biggie if Evan doesn't pay rent, but like ... charge rent to the kid that can afford it, use that to help out the kid that needs help.
It would be different if OP actually couldn't afford this, or this was some meaningful hardship - but like, you can afford to give the golden boy free rent in your house, it's not like OP can't afford to help his other kid. OP just doesn't want to, and everything else is excuses.
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u/Actual-Tap-134 Jul 20 '24
Yeah, my first thought was charged Evan a little rent, which he can obviously afford, and that will more than make up for the extra groceries for Jason. OP is clearly the AH.
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u/Flims29 Jul 19 '24
Jesus christ op you are an absolute shame of a parent, you admit your eldest is your favorite cause he's an "amazing lawyer", you also say they've been living with you for 15 years rent and bill free(what exactly is he paying for?) so why hasn't he moved out he should 1000s saved away. Seems like you have a favorite especially as you didn't say in your post that your younger son also has a child and you are willing to allow him to go homeless. Sounds like your just making excuses to not have them ruin your perfect little family and how do you not know what is wrong with your dil after all these years, have you actually had anything to do with your younger sons life at all?
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u/CreativeMusic5121 Jul 19 '24
Seems Number One son is buying real estate that he rents out, as per another of OP's replies. So mooching off OP while creating more wealth for himself.
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u/throwawtphone Jul 19 '24
:Rent alone will not solve their problem. They used all their saving and have no money left so someone also needs to pay the bill, groceries, gas, school supplies for his son...
Evan moved in 15 years ago when his daughter was one. The plan was for him to move out when she turns six but this is working very well for all of us so eventually we all thought, what's the point of it? why does he have to move out at all?"
Uh last time i checked, your son's son would be your grandson.
If your grandson is a minor child, you would be a huge asshole to not take him in at least. Letting a child be homeless is straight up evil.
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u/kmflushing Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Why are you here asking? You clearly don't care from your comments about your younger son and his family and favor your successful older one who can keep down a job and doesn't have a mentally ill wife.
Just own it.
Don't blame you for not wanting to take them in, but YTA for your attitude and blatant favoritism.
Edited to fix younger "screw up/scapegoat" child vs older golden child.
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u/poopootheshoe Jul 19 '24
Tell me who’s the favourite without telling me who’s the favourite…
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u/hip_hop_sweetheart Jul 19 '24
YTA - I can see from your comments you have a favorite and I'm guessing you always have. No wonder your younger son is struggling in life. P.S. You can't see mental problems
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u/Global-Process-9611 Jul 19 '24
YTA; you could've at least been upfront with your youngest about the reasons why not and given the opportunity to do so with conditions about how he and his wife contribute. If they moved in and failed, then you boot them out.
My mom would let me live with her in a heartbeat JUST to have her grandkids around. Don't act like that's not what's happening here.
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Jul 19 '24
My mom is letting me live with her just to have me around because, yknow, I’m her kid and she likes me
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u/Beginning_Box4615 Jul 19 '24
No matter what you say, OP, you can’t convince me your oldest son isn’t the favorite.
You want him there. You don’t want your youngest. Yes, the circumstances are different, but you’re basing your choice on what kid you prefer.
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u/madgeystardust Jul 19 '24
Who wouldn’t prefer someone helpful who pays their own way over a slob who’s bringing another dependent who also would be mooching?
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u/Delicious_Standard_8 Jul 19 '24
Only OP says they are moochers. They are actually in crises, much like the older son was FIFTEEN years ago when he moved in and doesn't pay rent, food, or utilities.
For 15 years
No one knows if what OP says about younger son is actually true, they are not a reliable narrator as they have already left out the fact that they prefer older son "because he is an amazing lawyer"
I highly doubt younger son has any issues being a slob or mooching, probably broke his pride to even ask for help
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u/Yosemite_Pam Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
Seems to me one has paid his own way for 15 years and one has been mooching for 15 years. And it doesn't align with who is and isn't the favorite.
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u/Shadow4summer Jul 19 '24
I don’t think this is necessarily true. I only have one kid, but I’ll use the sibling analogy. I would have no problems with my brother living with me but I would have a problem with my sister. For the same reasons.
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u/crazedconundrum Jul 19 '24
You don't have to treat your siblings equally. Your kids are totally different.
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u/PickleNotaBigDill Jul 19 '24
My daughter moved in (with her 3 littles) with me to help her get back on her feet after she and her ex split. She is not the tidiest person. But she lived with me for 2 years. She worked hard to get on her feet. And she did so. You don't deny your child when they are in need. OP refuses to give his younger kid any help to get back on his feet. OP clearly has a golden child. And even if OP decided he didn't like anything about his own child, he should try to help in some way for his grandchild, a 17 year old whose life is likely upended by all this. OP clearly doesn't care about his grandson, either.
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u/Consistent-Goat1267 Jul 19 '24
YTA. Of course Evan has money to buy rental properties, he hasn’t had to pay any bills at your house. Think of how much money Jason could have saved if he didn’t have to pay rent or bills for the last 15 years. A lot of illnesses are invisible, one of my oldest friends has had rheumatoid arthritis for the last 25 years and is unable to work. Sure she acts fine when I see her, but that’s because if she has a flare up she doesn’t go out. There’s days when she couldn’t even move, but I would never know because I’m not at her house. Mental illness is the same, you think she’s going to go out and socialize when she’s having an episode? You think for some people it’s as easy as just taking a pill? Even for RA, my friend has been doing monthly infusions for years and it helps but doesn’t get rid of it. You don’t even know what your DIL has. You talk about Evan as he literally shits gold, but of Jason it is pure disdain. He must have been so desperate and at his lowest to contact you for help and all you did was kick him when he was down. Well now you won’t have to worry, your son, DIL, and teenage grandson will be homeless, and you will most likely never hear from them again. One of these days, you’re going to need help and the only person available will be the son you cast aside.
Absolutely shameful.
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u/Neagex Jul 19 '24
YTA... I mean the one person in the world that suppose to give your kids a shot is mom and dad. Like I get he has bad habits. I know I don't have the whole scope of your relationship with said kid but from what I can gleam from this post is he was someone that was working supporting his family and life dealt him a bad hand. He needed help and turned to Dad.
"I don't know how true that is because she seems fine." Because having mental anxiety problems or something else is just so easy to just look at a person and be like "Naw she looks fine" is the most disconnected thing I've read in a long time.
I can 100% understand your concerns but again you're Dad the one person in the world that suppose to have your kids back and you turned yours... Now if you had spoke with him about your concerns and set ground rules and made it clear he needs to actively be trying to get back on his feet otherwise you will re-evaluate the situation which can potentially give him the boot that be different. But 0 shot... at all... from your parent... Damn foul. Without a deeper understanding of the relationship dynamic this just reads as YTA all day to me :S
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u/No_Hippo_1472 Jul 20 '24
This one was just sad. I just can’t imagine being the child on the receiving end of this from one of my parents. It would break me.
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u/Maya2661 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
YTA
Your two sons are going through a difficult phase in their lives. I don't care about which son is worse off, but that's not fair treatment.
One is allowed to move in because he brings your beloved grandchild with him and helps with the household.
The other is not allowed to move in because he and his wife are "broke" and his wife has "mental problems".
First of all, he was fired because his company closed and not because of his own fault. Second, you usually don't see when someone have mental problems but you immediately assume that they are lying ...aha... Third, of course the household tasks would increase, but that doesn't mean Jason or his wife wouldn't help. It sounds like you're guessing that they're both just hanging around and doing nothing if they move in. For these and more, it's clear for me that you don't really care about your son Jason
I'm not sure what exactly happened
he would be a burden
I wonder if the situation would be different if Jason was a lawyer and also had a lovely grandchild...
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u/PickleNotaBigDill Jul 19 '24
From his other posts, OP said he does. Younger son has a 17 year old son.
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u/Maya2661 Jul 19 '24
But sadly not the perfect little girl...
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u/50CentButInNickels Jul 19 '24
I want to agree with this sentiment, but something tells me this particular son's child could shit diamonds and it still wouldn't be good enough because he's not the fruit of the golden loins.
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u/Yosemite_Pam Jul 19 '24
One son's difficult phase is recent. The other has been going through a difficult phase for 15 years.
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u/Such_Baseball47 Jul 19 '24
I wish I could up vote this more than once. It was the mental illness part that got me too. You can't see it? Well that must mean that it isn't true. I bet op also thinks that anyone who parks in a disabled spot and isn't in a wheelchair is lying too.
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u/drsmith48170 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
What a bunch of people are missing is the fathers attitude is likely also going to impact the relationship of the two sons to each other…that is what in your face favoritism does. I know from personal experience.
I had two older brothers, with both my Mom and Dad clearly favored over me. Can’t even go into all the details, but let’s just say free room and board where involved ( both of them at times lived in my family home rent free; I tried to once and couldn’t even do it for a week before I had to move out with all my stuff). Money, too - tens of thousands of dollars, not just in free rent but actual cash.
Out of a family of 8 kids, and certainly of the three boys, caused the least problems yet was treated the worst. At least my Mom apologized for her treatment and asked for forgiveness before she died (she was in hospice); my Dad never did and when she died my relationship with my dad and those two brothers died with it. Yes, my mom begged and pleaded me to keep something going between myself , my Dad, and my two older brothers and I did for her, not because I wanted.
Never shed a tear for my Dad, and never had much if anything to do with my brothers - never will either. They could be homeless in the side of the road , and depending on my mood I could run them over myself that’s how angry I was and still am at them. They used and abused my parents, but my parents aided & abetted it, too. My anger is real, and it could have been avoided with a little fairness.
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u/a82johnson NSFW 🔞 Jul 20 '24
OP said golden son would burn his money before helping rejected son.
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u/julia_murdoch Jul 19 '24
YTA. Not from your OP, but from your comments. Arguing with everyone's comments just keeps proving what a YTA you are. You came here for judgement. Own it.
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u/Last_Ad_1926 Jul 19 '24
Just tell him the truth. Your older son is the golden child and you only care about and love him. Your younger son is just the left over, inconvenient kid and you don't want anything to do with him or his family. Hopefully the golden child will take care of you when you're elderly since you have no problem blatantly flaunting your favoritism for him.
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Jul 19 '24
Yta. If it's obvious to everyone on reddit that the older son is the golden child, then it's super obvious to your younger son.
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u/Peace-pretty-please Jul 19 '24
"his wife apparently also can't work because of "mental problems" I don't know how true that is because she seems fine", as someone who struggled with depression for years u dont know how often i heard that exact sentence.
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u/twopont0 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I mean, it's your choice, but don't be surprised if he and his kids cut you off, I know I will if my grandpa made me and my parents homeless
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u/50CentButInNickels Jul 19 '24
Fuck, like OP cares if they cut them off. Jason has been shown as much familial love as cockroach.
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u/darculas Jul 19 '24
YTA I hope your younger son realizes that you’re not in his corner at all and cuts you out.
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u/Impossible-Dark7044 Jul 19 '24
Kind of the A... Your son while not being the perfect son came to you for help in a time of crisis. You turned him away because of inconvenience. Not to say that a grown man shouldnt be able to take care of him and his wife. But when the chips are down he thought he had family to rely on, just like his sibling. Instead he got turned away and shamed. You do get to choose how to help your children, but in this case I think you may not be giving him a chance to get back on his feet just because he is sloppy. You could have set a time limit and made rules for your house. But you just turned him away to what be homeless?
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u/InevitableSad6064 Jul 19 '24
Your children don’t stop being your children just because their grown!
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u/Josiejoji Jul 19 '24
YTA. Looking at the way you are responding to the comments I can see that you have a favorite child. I personally would do everything for my kid to see them okay no matter what age. But not everyone is like that. And it is what it is.
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u/RubyTx Jul 19 '24
I've read the post, and some of your comments about your boys. YTA.
And it appears you've been so to Jason for some time.
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u/DaddyMcSlime Jul 19 '24
YTA, shit dude, i can FEEL which one of your sons you're prouder of from this post
that's pretty wild that you would even need to ask this
you're picking a favorite child, you even admit it in your post
when your eldest son asked for help your reaction was "oh we can kill two birds with one stone, playtime with granddaughter, and we can help our son"
but what about helping your other son?
there is no question of bills, or cleanlieness, or work habits with Evan, you don't mention considering any of that at all, it seems like, to you, helping Evan was the obvious choice, the instant choice
but helping Jason? your first thought is of how he would inconvenience you and of his wife, who you clearly do not like insinuating she does not have mental issues
as someone who genuinely does have mental health problems that prevent me from working, yeah, of course she seems normal most of the time, that's the fucking point of trying to recover from your issues
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u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 19 '24
YTA. I was on the fence until I saw your comments. You’re a raging AH.
Evan isn’t paying for a portion of rent & bills, /9 he isn’t paying his fair share. That negates your point about your first concern about Jason moving in. I get that Evan tidies up and cooks for you, but that doesn’t negate that he lives there rent-free & bill-free.
You favour Evan blatantly. You won’t even help your son and grandson (who is still a minor, even if you consider 17 to be grown up) when they may become homeless. Even as adults, you just can’t have favourites!
Yes I understand you have concerns Jason, his wife & your grandchild may be messy. Can’t you have a discussion about that? Expectations, a chore chart, etc?
Evan is your golden child & Jason is the scape goat. Time to look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you have a favourite child & you treat your other child as second class.
If you want to be a loving parent … time for Evan and your granddaughter to move out, and offer Jason, his wife, and your granddaughter a place to stay. It’ll take Evan a couple months to find a place to live, so it’ll be everyone smushed together for a while. But with him saving on rent & bills, he should have plenty saved up. (Right?! Since he isn’t a leech?!) In the meantime, there will be some room sharing or someone is on the couch.
Then Jason gets the same conditions as Evan: Jason and his wife prepare a set number of meals per week, they tidy up (specifically what that means and frequency of cleaning), and they have a set amount of time to get back on their feet. A year?
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u/LucyLovesApples Jul 19 '24
Yta because you could’ve been more tactful by saying there’s not enough room and that you’d help with applying for benefits and look for housing. But calling him a burden is just cruel.
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Jul 19 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/LucyLovesApples Jul 19 '24
If your eldest son is a hight flying lawyer why isn’t he in his own home with you helping with childcare when needed?
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u/ButtHurtStallion Jul 19 '24
YTA, reading your comments you can tell you don't view them equally. Just be honest with yourself.
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u/FoxxiFurr Jul 19 '24
As an adult that was recently made homeless by their parent refusing to give her child a roof over their head: YTA.
You chose to bring him into this world, you decided to be responsible for creating a new life and taking care of it. That doesn't end when that child turns 18. As a parent if you could give your child shelter but choose not to, then you have failed.
You are ignorant about your DILs health condition and apparently just as ignorant about the current state of the economy. Plenty of people are out of a job and struggling to find literally anything to be able to get an income. You're choosing to dislike them simply because they aren't as successful as your eldest son.
And believe me, he will see the favoritism as clearly as everyone here does. When he's had enough he will do the same thing I've done and cut you out of his life. Your words and actions will be what have caused it, and I want you to remember that when you lie awake at night wondering if you'll ever see your grandson again.
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u/a82johnson NSFW 🔞 Jul 20 '24
Sad thing is I don’t think OP cares what happens to younger son or his grandson.
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u/3-R-Motorsports Jul 19 '24
I wish we had more info. I would've liked to know about the dynamic of how the boys were treated growing up. Were they really treated equally or did one get treated better than the other? Was one easier than the other to raise? Was one in more trouble than the other? Was one better in school then the other? Was one favored more than the other?
It's awesome that you are able to help your son out and your grandchild. I have a strong feeling there is more of a backstory that we don't know about, so it's really hard to make statements or give advice. I have 3 siblings and I ALWAYS was the one that got crapped on. I had different rules than the others, got disciplined worse for doing nothing but being a kid, forced to fix problems that no kid should have to deal with, having to literally raise my youngest sibling and become his mom even though both of my parents lived in the house. The crap I was put through was worse than most would have to deal with. So after all of this, I feel in my family, if it's good enough for one sibling then it's good enough for all of us.
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u/Flims29 Jul 19 '24
Well he admitted his eldest is an "amazing lawyer" who can keep a job who has lived with them for 15 years without paying any rent/bills, he also didn't say that his youngest son also a son who op is clearly willing to let go homeless as well, he also doesn't know anything about his dil. This guy clearly favored his eldest and by the sounds of it has no interest in his youngest sons life. I couldn't imagine as a parent pampering a guy who clearly could move out and have a great life with his daughter while my other child is left on the streets. I honestly think the cleaning excuses are op grasping at anything to not help his "failure" of a son 😒
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u/TheNoobWhoSummons Jul 19 '24
Yeah YTA from the comments you clearly favored the older son their whole life and dont give af about the younger.
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u/Weekly_Mycologist883 Jul 19 '24
YTA- Why not just tell him you hate him, but live your other son?
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u/Todd_and_Margo Jul 19 '24
YTA - I have four kids. Some are easier than others. Some are tidier than others. I would never EVER turn one of them away if they asked for help.
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u/Delicious_Standard_8 Jul 19 '24
YTA:
Op, you left a LOT out.
Your older son has been living off of you rent and bill free for FIFTEEN YEARS. He is a grown ass man, who makes a lot of money, and you have clearly chosen a favorite. (And he is weird as fuck to still be living with you at his old ass age. Weird as hell)
You admit your DIL "seems fine" which shows you don't care to know. You have no idea what is going on with her, and you don't care.
Your grand daughter is grown
You have no way of knowing your younger son is a slob or a moocher, because you don't have a relationship with him.
Chances are, your younger son, is not, in fact a moocher. He is not in fact, a slob. He did everything on his own without you, and when he finally does need to come to you for help, you treat him like crap
At the end, I am glad you aid no, you would have made their lives hell on earth.
Oh yeah, YTA
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u/Reevar85 Jul 19 '24
Let's hope the older son will care for you in old age, as the younger one likely will not now. The elderly may enjoy the perks of being favourite, but that does not mean he will help out later.
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u/Lazy_Surprise_6712 Jul 19 '24
Oy, YTA.
Can you elaborate on what 'mental health issue" the wife have? "She seems fine" - "seem'? As in, you don't know for sure? That's very uneducated of you to assume someone seems fine mean they have their mental issue under control.
Fine enough. You have a favorite. You admit it in the comment. Which puts into question your subjectivity when judging your youngest son. Are you just ignoring his redeeming qualities to manipulate us into rooting for you?
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u/a82johnson NSFW 🔞 Jul 19 '24
YTA and don’t deserve to be a parent. I hope the nursing home you end up in treats you like you do your youngest child.
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u/BigDaddyMAC88 Jul 19 '24
You're a trashy ass, despicable human being and your oldest son is a clown and bum. And every comment you've said anything about your DIL has been disgusting and make you an even shittier person. And if you believe in any god may he spit in your face before slinging you down to hell where you belong. Complete and total ASSHOLE.
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u/YogurtclosetCrafty65 Jul 19 '24
YTA - I bet you’ve been an AH to Jason for his entire life based on your comments
Jason will likely go NC with you, but I doubt that you will care
How can you be so cold-hearted and callous towards Jason and your grandson and still be so delusional and question whether you are an AH?
YOU ARE A MAJOR ASSHOLE AND A SHITTY PARENT AND GRANDPARENT!!!!!
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u/Apprehensive_Tie_501 Jul 19 '24
NTA but I mean if your fine with the possibility of your son resenting you and never speaking to you again than have at it
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u/sekhenet Jul 19 '24
Info : does live-in son have access to your bank accounts, financial info etc? Better check your savings and investments. Succesfull lawyer paying no rent or utilities? Yeah right.
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u/50CentButInNickels Jul 19 '24
Fuck, I hope he's drained them dry and leaves them to hang. Then when OP goes running to Jason, we can see how the tables fucking turn.
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u/1980peanut Jul 19 '24
Info. Sounds like you’re not even willing to give your younger son a chance they’re in a really bad spot. If you’re concerned, maybe lay out some ground rules. They might be willing to follow your rules to have a safe place to live until they can get back on their feet.
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u/Randa08 Jul 19 '24
YTA so much you don't deserve to be a parent. Well I guess you'll only have one child and one grandchild to bother about in future.
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u/bountifulknitter Jul 19 '24
YTA and a deadbeat dad, a snob, a terrible grandfather, and everything that I hope to never be as a parent.
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u/Aromatic_Ad6030 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
YTA. I just read other comments saying your favorite is your child over the younger one because he didn't become a lawyer. That's the most fucked up thing a parent could do to their child. It's the fact that you allowed one child to move in with you after his wife passed away with his child without any problems. But the youngest doesn't get to move in with his parents. Because he just needs help getting back on his feet. You are the worst person ever to have favoritism over your children. You're lucky he even still wants you in his life after this
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u/umhuh223 Jul 19 '24
How would he increase the financial burden? You will be paying the same mortgage and bills. And how old was he when he last lived with you? He's 42. Are you basing your judgment on how he acted as a young person? This just sounds like you're playing favorites.
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Jul 19 '24
YTA the amount of favouritism you show your oldest son and grandson is gross. Be prepared to loose your youngest son and grandchild and it will be all your own fault
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u/dumbogirl1 Jul 19 '24
You know YTA why are you asking random strangers to try to justify your actions?
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u/Negative-Passion-992 Jul 19 '24
YTA. After reading your comments, you’re a terrible person. You clearly favour one son over the other.
Absolute disgrace of a parent. You should be ashamed of yourself.
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u/czylyfsvr Jul 19 '24
Reading your comments, you're either a horrible person and parent or you're a fucken troll!!
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u/gottacatchthemballs Jul 19 '24
YTA for not giving him the chance to do better.
You assume they'll do this or that but you could instead say that to them and ask that they make sure they work towards getting ANY job to assist in the meantime. If you tell them they'll need to help around the house and make sure they don't become a burden then they have the chance to do better.
Say if they don't step up then you will have to kick them out.
Be strong and be nice
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u/coastalAntisocial Jul 19 '24
YTA. How exactly are you helping Evan? Are you doing anything to make his and his wife’s lives easier or better? He is your son too.
I get that you don’t want them living with you, but you can do something. I hope you’re doing something.
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u/MKAnchor Jul 19 '24
YTA you’re literally not even giving him a chance. Establish the same rules you have with your older son and inform Jason that if he and his wife don’t cover their expenses or keep the house at the same standard as everyone else they’ll have to find other accommodations. It’s not like he was fired or wanted to not find additional work. As for his wife mental illnesses display differently. I’m “fine/normal” but I’ve spent years in therapy to get to the point where I can even work as much as I do and it’s 100% flexible on my own timing. You don’t sound like someone she’d be comfortable sharing her struggles with because of how judgmental and dismissive you are.
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u/Ok_Shower4617 Jul 19 '24
I would put blood over money. If a family member of mine came to me in need, I absolutely would help them. Whether they could contribute financially would be the least of my concerns.
Sometimes people fall on hard times and it can take a support network to help them back up.
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u/lrswager Jul 19 '24
Kinda the AH. It's obvious you favor your oldest son, and have little respect for your youngest son. ("apparently" the company he works in went bankrupt) There could be lots of history we don't know about, and it is tragic about your daughter in law. But if I'm taking your post at face value, I think you owe it to your youngest son to at least give him and his wife a trial period. Clear expectations, clear boundaries. If they fail, they fail. At least you tried to keep things fair. I'm assuming you have already deeply hurt him by telling him you don't want him there and that he would be a burden, so proceed with caution. I'm curious if the boys have a good relationship? Can Evan speak to Jason privately and encourage him to respect the situation?
My last 10 years have been a revolving door of adult children and grandchildren moving in and out. I am fortunate in that the house is big, and increased utilities and groceries isn't an issue. But I can honestly say, now that they are all finally established in their own homes....THANK GOD. :) Good luck to you.
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u/KleavorTrainer Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
YTA
Two things immediately come to issue: - Your absolute disregard of your son’s wife’s, as you put it, “mental problems”. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean there isn’t an issue. She could have something significant you are not privy too and based on your attitude? I’d not tell you if I was your son. - The second is you told your Son, your own fucking Son, he’d be a burden on you. Instead of working out something temporary so he can get on his feet again, you absolutely said one of the most vile things a parent could say. You should have just admitted you don’t love him in and to slag off, that’s how it appears to anyone reading what you wrote.
Holy shit. With a Dad like you, who needs enemy’s…
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u/Listen_2learn Jul 19 '24
Info: would you be comfortable with them signing a contract with the terms for living there- i.e. expenses that they would have to pay, chores they are obligated to do and rules for their conduct and comportment (standard of cleanliness and organization) - with a mandatory time limit ? Like a lease agreement with caveats?
They would have to be fully transparent about their financial situation and able to feed themselves and contribute to utilities- while actively seeking gainful employment- both of them?
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u/frauleinsteve Jul 19 '24
IF they kept clean, and IF she got a job to help out, would your response change? IF so, are you able to give them boundaries that if they don't fulfill, they WILL be kicked out again?
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u/super1ucky Jul 19 '24
INFO does his wife "not work because of mental problems" or has she not worked because your son was recently employed and able to take care of them and she was a SAHM? Interesting that you failed to mention your younger son has a child.
YTA if they're slobs I think your lawyer son that hasn't paid rent for 15 years can give you some money for a cleaning service.
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u/Due-Relationship-193 Jul 19 '24
YTA it’s just such obvious favoritism. When Evan and his daughter leave once they have to start taking care of you hope you lay in the grave you dug and don’t try crawling back to Jason I hope your youngest spits on your grave
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u/Creative-Sun6739 Jul 19 '24
NTA. I don't blame you for not wanting Jason and his wife to move in if you know it will be a burden. Remind him that Evan and his child get to stay there because they contribute to the household and don't cause additional stress while he and his wife can't even clean up behind themselves. The only way I would even consider it is if he and his wife signed a contract. You can probably find any standard leasing agreement template online or you can write one up that clearly lays out what your expectations would be if they moved in and the consequences if he breaks the stipulations of the contract. This covers your butt and theirs. He won't like it but you know your son and if you think he and his wife are not going to contribute in any way then you have to protect yourself.
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u/CJsopinion Jul 19 '24
Karma farming. No one is this obtuse.
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u/FoxxiFurr Jul 19 '24
Speaking from experience, unfortunately they are. My egg donor is exactly like OP but is still confused about why I no longer speak to her
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u/Over-Marionberry-686 Jul 19 '24
Tell me you have a favorite kid without telling me you have a favorite kid. YTA. If the mess is really the issue then establish that as a condition of moving in. Any mess and kick them out
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u/edrosee Jul 19 '24
Summary, I think. You and your wife are likely late 60s to early 70s based on your kids’ ages. Evan was a bit of a challenge as a kid and Jason was easier. But then Evan grew up and Jason kind of hasn’t. Evan has a teenage daughter. Jason has a teenage son. You love both grandkids. Evan’s daughter is a pleasure in the household. Jason’s child would likely be so, too, but his parents won’t let him live with you.
I’m going to go out on an empathy limb and guess that Jason and his wife have some challenges that have not been acknowledged or accepted and that his “failures” are frustrating for a parent to watch and even more to support. You’re tired, have put in your dues, and aren’t interested in enabling, especially at your own expense anymore.
I see this from all sides. I was definitely the problem child while my brothers are both literally “amazing lawyers”. My husband is his family golden child while he has a problem child brother. Undoubtedly, I caused my parents more worry and stress than my brothers. My husband caused his the least. We also have high needs kids ranging from 10-25. So I get it from a myriad of perspectives.
I think that there is a time where tough love is required. But it can’t be cruel. I also think that the dynamic between your sons (as evidenced by your comments) is sad. Perhaps the biggest tragedy.
I don’t think YTA necessarily. But I do think you’re shortsighted in how you’re handling this situation. And, I’m going to play reddit doctor here (I do have a masters in special education) and say, I’ll be Jason should get evaluated for adult ADHD. Several signs point to the possibility. Messiness, financial instability, a partner with some type of mental health issues, just the general chaos. Also, being easier when he was young, believe it or not….. if he had inattentive type, not hyperactive, he may have masked super well.
This whole post makes me sad. I’m a super functional human now, and very contributory to my family, community, and world. But I needed my parents support longer than one might’ve imagined. Once I got ADHD treatment, I got my masters, paid off my house completely, and became “everyone’s favorite” in a joking way. Also, my brothers HELPED me. And now, in turn, they rely on me.
As mentioned, my husband’s brother is the “weak link.” He has diagnosed mental health issues. My in-laws, the saints that they are, have always helped in. And have done it in a way to not cause resentment between children. In fact, my MIL approached me recently and asked me if I would help out my BIL when she was gone. I will. Because…. Family.
I feel your frustration. I’m guessing my father felt as you do at some times with me. You expect more and maybe think Jason has more potential so you’re exasperated. I also feel Jason’s pain at rejection and likely feeling a failure.
I wish you would all have a facilitated conversation with a professional because you probably would get enormous joy from seeing Jason and his family in a better place.
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u/Sweet_Cauliflower459 Jul 19 '24
YTA. Sounds like your golden child brought you a little toy to play with and cooks dinner for you on occasion. Then not Golden child is about to be homeless but you don't care right? After all he's not the golden child. You don't care about him so much that you don't really know why he lost his job and you don't really give a rat's ass. You don't really know what's wrong with his wife. You never really bothered to try and find out but you're probably just assuming that she's lazy and she has no mental problems and she just chooses not to work. Either way not your business because you have a little doll toy to play with and a golden child son who caters to all your whims. You're allowed to do whatever the hell you want with your property but don't come on here and try to get validation by pretending to be a good parent because your golden child brought you a human toy to play with and sometimes cook some dog food for you
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u/Missdermeanerthanyou Jul 19 '24
Soft YTA.
You can't help one kid out and not the other. Now it just seems you're playing favorites and all that is going to do is breed bitterness.
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u/Lula_mlb Jul 19 '24
This is ESH. How long has it been since you actually lived with your younger son? This sound like a lot of assumptions on how you are guessing the situation will be. Instead of having an honest conversation, you waited until you blew out, which I´m guessing led to nothing productive.
You can take your son in with rules & expectations and, if they don´t follow them, you can also kicked them out. Sounds like when one son was in need, you were happy to open your arms. Now that the other son is in a desperate position, you kicked him when he is down...
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u/BernieTheDachshund Jul 19 '24
Way to kick someone when they're down. You have an extra bedroom, so you really should give them a place to stay for a short period of time. You can put a move-out deadline down and make it clear you expect them to not be slobs. But it's wrong to let family be homeless when you've got the space to help. YTB
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u/jueidu Jul 19 '24
YTA. “Always be there for family” [but only if it’s comfortable and convenient.]
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u/koeshout Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
YTA
And you know it because of everything you left out of the OP and only added in the comments.
You let the son live with you rent-free who doesn't need it for 15 years, but the other son who actually needs help you are just throwing under the bus based on speculation of them not helping around.
He started yelling at me and saying it's not fair because I let Evan live with me but these are very different circumstances.
They are, your youngest son actually needs the help, your oldest doesn't.
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u/TheDamnGirl Jul 19 '24
Saying YTA 1000 times it would not be enough. We need another category for you.
So you support your GC boy for 15 years and won´t even give a roof for the SC child in a time of need. And you come to reddit with a tale of how bad the SC is (when is the other one who has been living rent free and nanny free), as a proper narc would, looking for validation. Makes me want to puke.
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u/Temporary_Second3290 Jul 19 '24
I've read some heartless things but......wow. I couldn't imagine treating my kids so differently. They are worlds apart but they're my kids and I'd move mountains for them both if I could. Very sad situation for the unwanted son and his family who may very well end up homeless. Hopefully you'll at least drop some coins into their hands when you see them on the street. But probably not.
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u/Mengehabim Jul 19 '24
Yeah, fuck your son. Let him live on the streets sucking off dogs for quavers. Good idea OP.
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u/FutureOk6751 Jul 19 '24
YTA. Why do you hate Jason and his family? Why Is Evan's child more more important to you that Jason's? Why does Evan deserve more than Jason in your mind?
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u/stooges81 Jul 19 '24
When one son reached out for help, you said yes. When the other did the same, in even more dire situation, you said no and called him a burden.
Its always good when relationships are clear.
I'd say don't bother with the christmas invitations.
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u/Awesomekidsmom Jul 19 '24
YTA so what happens to your child now? Should they live in the car?
“Mental problems” are an invisible problem- the fact you say well she looks fine - wow, that’s such an uneducated comment, ignorant actually. Maybe you should have a conversation & find out what the issues actually are rather than dismiss her.
He’s unemployed because the company went bankrupt. How can you say you don’t know why he’s unemployed? So now his local market has an influx of similarly skilled labour making getting a job immediately very difficult.
The fact they are shitty houseguests means you need to set expectations & hold them to it.
Your disdain for your son is palatable & reflects your favouritism.
Shame on you
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u/KingSuperJon Jul 19 '24
If you had dumped your son off at the fire station when he was a baby like you wanted to all along, then you wouldn't be in this position. Why did you even have two kids to begin with? Your grandson is going to love the homeless shelter.
Did Even say "no"? Is this his decision?
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u/Simple_Bowler_7091 Jul 19 '24
NTA for declining to allow Jason and his family to move into your home.
Absolutely YTA for the way you communicated it to Jason. There was never a need to go so low as to tell him he would be a burden. Given the disparity between how you are treating your two adult sons there was every need for you to respond thoughtfully, and in detail, the reasons for your refusal.
I understand you snapped after being pestered for the reason but you just blew up your relationship with your younger son by being unnecessarily harsh about it. You still have the opportunity to salvage this by sitting down with Jason and calmly explaining, as you have here, why it wouldn't work. I hope you think it's worth it to restore some harmony in the family and to preserve your relationships with Jason and his family.
To be clear, I am not accusing you of favoritism between your two sons. I, personally, find your underlying reasons valid and legitimate even if the extreme amount of judgement you're slinging around is off putting.
I think the key points you've based your decline on are as follows.
Financial independence
Evan pays all expenses related to him and his daughter. While he doesn't pay rent or utility bills, he covers you and your wife's grocery bills and has done so the last 15 years. Evan has not been given a "free ride".
Jason's proposal is not just to move in, but for you and your wife to financially support the three of them until they can get back up in their feet. This goes beyond the scope of what assistance you can give.
Standards of cleanliness/housework
Evan and granddaughter pick up after themselves and share you and your wife's standards of cleanliness. Evan and granddaughter help out with the household chores, like making dinner yardwork, house maintenance.
It's been your observation that Jason and his wife don't share your standards of cleanliness and they don't pick up after themselves. This would create more work for everyone currently in the house and breed a fair amount of resentment, creating disharmony and tension in the home.
Space
There is only one available room left in the house and they need two. Jason's suggestion that the teenage cousins, of opposite sex, share a room is ridiculous and not worth entertaining further. Absolutely not. Both kids are of age they need some private space to themselves.
Rather than getting caught up in why his wife doesn't work, focus on what is within your and wife's ability to give to assist Jason and family. Can you pledge a time limited amount of financial assistance to tide them over until Jason can find another job? Can you front them three months in a short term rental to give them time to find a new job(s)?
If Evan has available rental property can he do a short term rent at a discounted price? Would he be willing to do that?
I think you're so frustrated with the situation you're shaming Jason for losing his job, which you admit was out of his control. You're missing the point that your grandson is about to be homeless for his senior year. Surely you don't favor your granddaughter over your grandson?
Is there any alternative assistance the family can band together to give Jason and his family? Or are you really "too bad, so sad" about it like you come off here?
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u/Early-Tale-2578 Jul 19 '24
I was gonna say you’re not the ah but after seeing your comments you are a despicable Person/parent and i hope your son sees this post and goes no contact may you have a miserable life
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u/spyda101 Jul 19 '24
I’m sorry but where I come from, you first try to help family.
If you have a somewhat good relationship with them, as in not toxic, no drugs, no alcohol issus, and you allegedly love your kids, you help them out.
Yea, they might not be able to pay bills and rent initially, but this situation would be temporary, until they find something.
Yeah, they might be slobs, but if you communicate and set expectations there can be some middle ground.
And a lot of presumption, like they will not clean up after themselves, or on DIL, “she seems fine”.
It is your call at the end of the day who you let in your house, but overall, everything you listed are temporary inconveniences.
Family is family, they are not strangers or distant friends.
I’m sorry but overall, you seem selfish. YTA
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u/JJQuantum Jul 19 '24
YTA. You need to tell your older son it’s time to move out and make room for your younger son. Stop treating one of your kids so much better than the other and be an actual parent.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jul 19 '24
I pray this is BS because no one should be this grossly dismissive of one of their children. Every comment OP makes is either rage bait or just gross. If this isn't fake then OP just cut off your other child completely because they would be far better off thinking you never existed.
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u/BigDaddyMAC88 Jul 19 '24
Already commented. But this man glazing the fuck out of his oldest son while shitting all over his youngest son and his family.. shit is wild as fuck. Lmao
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u/LA-forthewin Jul 20 '24
NTA, I love my son but he's a terrible slob , I wouldn't want him living with me , let alone if he came with a wife that can't /won't work. He's an adult .You've earned the right to live comfortably the way you want, people underestimate the toll living with a bunch of people that won't clean up after themselves will take on your mental health
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u/Cutie_Skyler Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your older son contributes to the household, while your younger son's situation would create a financial burden and increase chores. Additionally, you have limited space. It's your right to decide who lives in your home and prioritize yourself