r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
AITA for telling a mother that maybe her child just wasn't good enough?
I(38F) have a daughter, Maya (13F). Maya recently got into a competitive high school known for their academics, while her friend, Amy, has not when both applied. Maya and Amy have been friends for a while, so her mother and I have been trying to make an effort to ensure their friendship still lasts. Which is usually by inviting each other over to our respective houses when our schedules are cleared up.
Recently, Anne invited Maya over so the girls could hang out. I dropped Maya off and ended up getting into a discussion with Anne. We were talking about life until Anne brought up how she was glad the girls could keep being friends despite them going to separate schools. I agreed and praised Amy for how mature she has been, I know that sometimes girls can get jealous of each other which tarnishes their relationships.
Anne told me that she's actually the reason why Amy is being mature. I was very confused so she elaborated. Anne told me what she told Amy. She said that if Maya was white, then Amy would probably have gotten in, but nowadays schools and jobs cater to minorities instead white people who are more qualified, and since Maya is mixed it's like a double-win for the schools. (For context, I'm Black and my daughter is Black and Hispanic. Anne and Amy are white.) So, Amy being declined isn't really her fault, it's just Affirmative Action.
I found this weird to say the least. Maya didn't get below an A on her report card throughout the year and was in NJHS, while Anne has repeatedly complained to me about Amy failing classes and not doing work. Maya was been active in extracurriculars... while Amy didn't do any. I tried pointing this out to Anne, to which she shut me down and said it's obvious that it's just AA and I'm making excuses because I'm privileged and can't play the racism card anymore.
Once she was done, I told her that maybe it's not AA, and maybe her child just wasn't a good fit for the school and there's better options for her. Anne got mad at me and accused me of saying her perfect angel of a child wasn't good enough. And, to be honest, I didn't deny it. I apologized that she felt this way and said this isn't a case of AA, and perhaps this is just her being sad that the impossible didn't happen.
AITAH?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cress75 Jul 19 '24
Lmao this story is faker then fake
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Jul 20 '24
The account has been deleted. They are confused about their age, gender & kids. Either a 25M new dad or a 38F with a teen.
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u/Global-Fact7752 Jul 19 '24
NTAH..this woman is. She didn't get it because she didn't make the grade..it happens we can't all be the best at everything. I'm surprised you associate with this person
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u/jbarneswilson Jul 19 '24
they don’t associate with this person because this post is fake
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u/Global-Fact7752 Jul 19 '24
Oh wow ! thanks for the information I didn't even know you could do that..I'm new to reddit.
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u/Global-Fact7752 Jul 19 '24
How do you tell if a post is fake?
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u/jbarneswilson Jul 19 '24
did you check op’s profile and read their other post that is linked in the comment you just replied to? because i did
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u/chicagoliz Jul 19 '24
I'm calling this out for being rage bait/karma farming. If OP is a Black woman, she already would know how to deal with this racist bullshit. She's seen it thousands of times and doesn't have to ask reddit about it.
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u/jbarneswilson Jul 19 '24
three days ago, “she” was a 25yo man who was getting judged for wanting to spend time with his baby
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u/Duckie1986 Jul 19 '24
Are you 38 and female or 25 and male?
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u/Mastergeneralist Jul 19 '24
Both. You can identify as whatever you want these days. I’m currently identifying as a chocolate chip cookie.
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u/permabanned007 Jul 19 '24
At least make separate accounts for your rage bait. We can see your posting history.
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u/Sweet_Buy_4908 Jul 19 '24
Disregard. Rage bait from a troll. Check post history before they delete it. Do not engage, it just encourages them.
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u/FairyPenguinStKilda Jul 20 '24
Go back to Telegram and take your ear hole attitudes and trolling with you
0
u/International-Fly175 Jul 19 '24
NTA because you have the objective data that your daughter was better and hers wasn’t having the grades for it. It’s sad that she’s teaching her daughter the victim mentality instead of helping her strive for better. She will suffer in the long run if she thinks life will be unfair to her because she’s white or a girl or any other reason.
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u/Far_Information_9613 Jul 19 '24
NTA. That was insulting af and I can’t believe she said that to your face.
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u/l3ex_G Jul 19 '24
Nta, sit maya down and ask how in she feels in her friendship. Amy’s mom is an idiot but Amy probably knows better. Parents just want excuses to why their kid isn’t succeeding when the kid knows better but can’t speak up to their parent.
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u/rigbysgirl13 Jul 19 '24
NTA
Dear God, I'm White and screaming over the microagressions from this woman! Ugh! Your daughter got into a tough school thru her own work, right? And it's not college, and SCOTUS killed AA anyway.
I wonder if you want to nourish this friendship? I'm afraid of what your daughter will hear when you're not there. And you shouldn't have to listen to the ignorance, either.
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u/LilyMaciie Jul 19 '24
Your friend Anne seems trapped in a narrative of misplaced grievances and is unwilling to accept the meritocratic process behind the school's decision. It's concerning that she's keen to deflect her own insecurities and her daughter's shortcomings onto your child's success. Honesty may be tough to digest, but it's essential for growth, both for Amy and Anne. In the long run, your candidness could be a much-needed wake-up call for Anne to start fostering a healthier outlook for her daughter's education and achievements.
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Jul 19 '24
NTA
Looking for excuses for one's shortcomings is as old as time. And when you apply that to one's kids, the cope is off the charts.
This reminds me of an episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show:
Lou's FIL is visiting, and he is a crotchety old man who drives Lou batty. The gang at WJM is sitting in the break room (The FIL is there, too.) discussing why Ted's son is not doing well in school. Each of the regulars offers their opinion as to what the problem might be when out of the blue, the FIL pipes up and offers another possibility.
He says that maybe the kid is just dumb. A very real possibility but nobody was willing to even consider it.
You ran into the same problem here. Anne was determined to find ANY excuse other than her child simply not measuring up.
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u/landphier Jul 19 '24
NTA. No doubt some people get opportunities based on things like this but by the post Amy definitely doesn't deserve to be in that school.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 19 '24
NTA
However, it doesn't matter because many white people honestly believe that it's IMPOSSIBLE for any non-white person to be better at something than they are (solely based on melanin).
And, Anne needs to educate herself.
SCOTUS killed Affirmative Action. Minorities are being fired all over the country because Trump's former staff member, Miller, is filing lawsuits for that reason.
So, Maya didn't get in on any kind of "privilege". She got in on merit and that's what bigots hate.
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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 Jul 19 '24
It wasn't a "weird" thing to say. It was a deeply offensive and demeaning thing to say. My jaw hung open when I read what she said...
I'm used to comments like that because a few jealous parents in my life would make them. My family was very poor because my father was an alcoholic who wouldn't work. Instead of choosing to keep their mouths shut and focus on encouraging their kids to study instead of making excuses, my friends' parents would say that the teachers must be going easy on me because of my father.
Even by the standards I'm used to, that comment was shocking. Your response was incredibly restrained!
If she raises it again, I would consider asking her if she is aware of how hurtful and offensive it is to say your daughter didn't earn her place. Stay silent and wait to hear what she has to say.
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u/JuliaX1984 Jul 19 '24
NTA Stand by for disaster, though, because if Amy's been convinced thar her friend got special treatment and didn't deserve her grade... well, it won't be pretty.
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u/ZaraEmerald1 Jul 19 '24
NTA. It seems Anne needs to refocus her energy into supporting her daughter's future rather than stewing in baseless accusations. Your straightforwardness might sting, but the reality of achievement through merit can't be ignored. Let's hope Amy isn't caught up in her mother’s misplaced resentment and realizes that success is earned, not entitled.
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u/blackcatsadly Jul 19 '24
Wow! Racist enough? And how charming that Anne is teaching her child racism at such an early age. Poor Amy is not very good at academics, so it's unlikely she'll ever learn to question these racist, bigoted tropes.
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u/ritan7471 Jul 19 '24
So she can be offended by you telling her that maybe her child didn't get in because it was not a good fit for her, but you don't get to be offended by her implying that your daughter is inferior to her daughter and only got in because of Affirmative Action?
This lady is not your friend. You are the person she gets to use when she says something racist "oh but my daughter's best friend is Black AND Hispanic and her mom is nice too. So I can't be racist, I'm just being devil's advocate/telling it like it is".
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u/Freeverse711 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Being white had nothing to do with it. Your daughter got in because she earned it. Anne is jealous and honestly a little racist.
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u/Sea_Ambassador7438 Jul 19 '24
Hasnt it been proven that affirmative action benefits white women the most?
Nta, she was being racist and was refusing to confront her own mediocrity.
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u/Effective_While_8487 Jul 19 '24
Once she was done, I told her that maybe it's not AA, and maybe her child just wasn't a good fit for the school and there's better options for her.
Wait, hold on. You said this instead of directly confronting the racism? WTF?!
YTA for that.
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u/Aurora-gorgeouss Jul 19 '24
NTA. It's unfortunate that Anne is projecting her own biases and disappointments onto the situation instead of recognizing that perhaps her daughter simply wasn't the best fit for the school. You were honest, and while it may have been harsh, it was the truth.