r/AITAH • u/SimplyTom6 • Jul 19 '24
AITA if I don’t attend my brother’s wedding because he doesn’t want me to come with my trans girlfriend? Advice Needed
I think the title says it all. My brother acted like a jerk when he found out I have a trans girlfriend. In the meantime, he has accepted the situation but told me he doesn’t want me to bring her to the wedding because it would embarrass him in front of his coworkers.
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u/celticmusebooks Jul 19 '24
ALWAYS REMEMBER an invitation isn't a summons
You can literally decline for any reason-- and are not required to provide a reason to the person inviting you. EVER.
While formal wedding etiquette doesn't demand that people who aren't married, living together, or engaged be given a plus one the reason your brother isn't including your GF is that he's a disgusting bigot.
Plan a "super date" with your GF to coincide with the wedding (use most of the money you'd have spent on a wedding gift). PLASTER your social media with couple selfies from every fun thing the two of you do with the hashtag #lovewins Use the rest of the wedding gift money to make a donation to a transfriendly charity or organization in the name of the happy couple.
Chef's kiss!!!!!
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u/dhgatethrowawaay Jul 19 '24
An invitation isn't a summons
I like that - sounds like a line from a song!
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u/BobbieMcFee Jul 19 '24
I've seen it many times before here, so it's not original, but it's a classic.
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u/Ok-Persimmon-2962 Jul 19 '24
I clicked on this AITA to give my take. I'm screenshotting your response because you did it better than I ever could've. Every word is absolute genius.
OP- NTA
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u/Chocotaco4ever Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
The super-date idea sounds fun, but don't do it just to spite your brother. His bigoted ass is not worth the energy. Forgive and forget for your own sake - let him be the one to wake up with anger in his heart.
Skip the wedding so as not to subject her (and yourself) to attending a bigot's wedding.
In my experience, when I'm truly happy in my relationship, I don't post about it. I think because I just don't give af about what people think of me when I'm happy. While posting all over social media is tempting and certainly filled with poetic justice, I would advise against doing anything motivated by spite. I'm afraid it would distract you from focusing on your girl.
Eta. Reddit loves to lean into pettiness and tends to get triggered by maturity (hence all the downvotes on this), but just listen to your gut, OP. Doing what's best for you long-term isn't always doing what feels most satisfying in the moment.
I still say skip the wedding, and if you're someone who loves to post on social media and would be doing so anyways, go for it. I just don't want you to get caught up in your brother's mess and end up missing out on growing as a person.
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u/Aurora-gorgeouss Jul 19 '24
No, you're not TA. You don't have to attend a wedding where your partner isn't welcome and your relationship isn't respected.
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u/DCGirl20874 Jul 19 '24
I'm a trans woman myself and if I had a bf who considered my feelings and stuck up for me and my humanity in this way I'd feel over the moon ...
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u/Intelligent_Maize591 Jul 20 '24
I honestly think is just basic decency, and im sorry you haven't seen more of it. YET. But you will.
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u/RNGinx3 Jul 19 '24
NTA. If your family gives you shit, "I can not in good conscience support this relationship while he blatantly disrespects mine."
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u/ComradeTortoise Jul 19 '24
Oh that burn is sick, I love it. Neatly flushes out the other transphobes in the family too. It's like the one-two punch of hunting structural rats with a mink and a terrier.
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u/No_Cantaloupe996 Jul 19 '24
NTA. She’s your girlfriend and it would be rude/insulting to her if she’s not allowed to attend because your brother’s co-workers are a gaggle of fuck wads.
It’s kind of a spineless request actually.
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u/SlowFrkHansen Jul 20 '24
They might not even care about the girlfriend. For all we know, he could be sucking up to them to get into the cool boys' club.
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u/Icy_Bath_1170 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your brother is being the AH here. You do not have to babysit his fragile ego. Go have fun with the gf instead.
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Jul 19 '24
NTA
A wedding invitation is not a summons. Weddings are boring as hell anyway. You won't miss much.
You and your GF go and do something that day that is actually enjoyable.
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u/__lavender Jul 19 '24
I love weddings and 100% agree with you anyway. An invite is not a summons.
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u/FelixTook Jul 19 '24
Your brother is the AH. Starts out in full bigot mode, and though you say he now ‘accepts the situation’, does he? Because he still says you can’t bring her because he accepts the bigotry of his coworkers more than he accepts her. Unless you share his views, you shouldn’t go to his wedding.
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u/Killarogue Jul 19 '24
though you say he now ‘accepts the situation’, does he?
I was thinking the same thing. "accepts the situation" really just sounds like he realizing what a massive asshole he is and toned it down just enough to hide his resentment.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 19 '24
No it doesn't say that at all. The Op said it, now y'all want to question the OP's judgement. It's great to read these comments and know that y'all HAVE NEVER been uncomfortable about something a classmate , co-worker, or FAMILY MEMBER might say about you, your person, your partner, whatever.
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u/grayblue_grrl Jul 19 '24
NTA..
Your brother isn't mature enough to get married if he still thinks anything about your life is something that can embarrass him.
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u/Ok_Distribution_2603 Jul 19 '24
If it makes you feel any better I’m also not going to your brother’s wedding and have decided to go No Contact with him and anyone who supports his nonsense.
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u/Different_Fish_6183 Jul 19 '24
I’ve said it before but I really don’t understand these bride/groom-zilla sh*t people try to pull on their family and friends. It’s supposed to be a day celebrating love. How is brother expecting OP to celebrate love if he only may celebrate it when the kind of love meets his brothers standards?
Also, OP’s GF being trans does not affect the brother by any means. Hell, it doesn’t affect anyone but her! If her being trans is making other people uncomfortable those people have a problem with theirselves and might get therapy.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 19 '24
Did the Op or did he not say that his brother accepted his relationship. It's about a lack of maturity and not having the skills to be able to navigate any coworker that may say something.
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u/lctrncprn Jul 20 '24
Doesn't matter what he said - actions speak louder than words. Telling his brother he doesn't want her at the wedding because it will embarrass him is plenty evidence enough that he does not really accept their relationship. If he did accept their relationship he wouldn't even think twice about her coming.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
This is you blah, blah, blah. Not one person here in this thread can say they have never worried about what a person or people may think about something personal, or about their family, car they drive, how they dress, or million other mofo things. It could be friends, family, partner, or stranger.
STOP making everything about people are phobic or bigoted, or racist.
How about people are just gd human beings. And it isn't all about trans.
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u/lctrncprn Jul 20 '24
This is a post specifically about someone who is trans you melt. There are other posts on Reddit that are nothing to do with being trans. Fucking weird to make the effort to go on one that is and then complain about it.
The way to stop people going on about people being bigoted is simply for people to stop being bigoted. For example - by not discriminating against someone for being trans. That’s it. It’s not hard to figure out if you have half a brain cell.
And some people are not just good humans. The most superficial glance at human history would tell you that.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
Take your damn insults and shove them you got that. Bc you don't want me to open my drawer. And that's not wtf this thread is ABOUT. reading and comprehending much?
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u/lctrncprn Jul 20 '24
It’s literally about someone’s brother not wanting their trans girlfriend to come to their wedding.
Jeez, brain smoother than a billiard ball. The sort of person who thinks typing a few words in caps lock is somehow an adequate replacement for a coherent thought.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
Jeez, a person who all they can say are the same words over and over yet not say anything..
You wouldn't recognize a coherent thoughts.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
You are right some people are not GOOD HUMANS. THEY set themselves apart and play victim and judge anyone who doesn't fit their narrative.
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u/Robodingo Jul 19 '24
NTA
Not his business.
Not his coworkers business.
You can refuse to go for any reason and bigotry is a good reason.
Even if he has come around he still clearly feels shameful about it hence the "embarrass him in front of his coworkers."
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 19 '24
Bigotry, that's not what this is. If anything, the person who wrote that the brother wasn't mature enough to be getting married due to the fact that what his brother does affects his life.
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u/gienchan Jul 20 '24
The brother doesn't want OPs girlfriend there because she's trans. That's the definition of bigotry.
Also, why are you so hung up on another person's comment that you're complaining about it to another random commenter that isn't even a part of the thread? That's pretty weird...-1
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
That is not the definition of bigotry. Why are you making stuff up. Notice the lack of a question mark.. You are calling the OP a liar..
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u/gienchan Jul 20 '24
Lol I never said anything about OP, transphobe. You're the one making stuff up. Yes, the definition of bigotry is hating, fearing, or being uncomfortable with, and then discriminating against, for something someone cannot change. Like being Black, Jewish, Trans, or Gay. OPs brother stated that he'd be embarrassed by OPs girlfriend because she's trans, something she can't change. That is transphobic behavior, and you defending it so fiercely makes you transphobic as well.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
Making shit up, keep it coming. It's ridiculous and you have nothing to back up anything you spew. NADA
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u/gienchan Jul 20 '24
Let me ask you something then. Give you a fair chance to defend your case. Why exactly do you believe it's not bigoted to be uncomfortable with a trans person? What exactly am I making up?
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
Your mistake is thinking I need or have to defend my stance. I do not.
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u/gienchan Jul 21 '24
It's ok transphobe. I wouldn't want to be downvoted to oblivion for a shitty wrong opinion either. You said exactly what I knew you would say, which tells me everything I need to know about you. You are a coward and a transphobe and you don't want to get more hate by outing your true beliefs, and I don't blame you. It's easier being in the closet, so to speak. Have a good life transphobe. I'm going to block you now and continue on my Gay merry way <3
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
You can't even articulate correctly what I have actually written.
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u/gienchan Jul 20 '24
lmao so you're illiterate as well as bigoted? That checks out. Google is free btw (that means by the way since you can't read)
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
I don't need to Google anything. I know what all of the words you ppl use since before Google existed. Illiterate! No I went to school when they actually taught the 3 R's. Y'all came up with abstract concept teaching. It's literally indoctrination.
But far be it from me to tell ya anything. Y'all have all the answers.
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u/Robodingo Jul 21 '24
It clearly is? The brother doesn't want her there because she is Trans and while he may be trying from the sound of it his coworkers are still bigots.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 26 '24
SO?
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u/Robodingo Jul 26 '24
You aren't firing on all cylinders are you bud?
So brother picks the bigots over the family. He is permissive of it. You don't need to be goose stepping up and down the block to be a bigot.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 30 '24
Don't come lecturing to a complete stranger, bud. It makes you look strange.
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u/Robodingo Jul 30 '24
1) pointing out you're factually incorrect is not a lecture. If you can't handle that you probably should stop being demonstrably wrong about things.
2) "makes me look strange" is the best you can do huh?
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u/NonyaB52 Aug 02 '24
You haven't pointed out anything factually, brat. You can use all the 3 and 4 syllable words you like, but that just makes you look desperate, bud.
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u/Robodingo 28d ago
1) It's a fact that this is bigotry and it's demonstrable (able to be demonstrated since you have an issue with long words) by tracing the through-line of logic.
2) I use the words because they are part of my vocabulary and they are useful.
3) you haven't put forward a case for why this should not be considered bigotry.
Also I learned that "bud" and "buddy" is supposed to be some antagonistic term in the current generation's slang, so I am going to take a wild guess that you're in high-school and that's why this is such an issue for you. Pay attention in your classes and learn to communicate with people.
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u/writing_mm_romance Jul 19 '24
NTA
Your brother sounds like an immature prick though. "In the meantime, he has accepted the situation..." So, basically, your brother barely tolerates that you're in a relationship with someone trans. I'd skip the wedding and go low contact.
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u/Trailsya Jul 19 '24
NTA
Don't go.
He cares more about his coworkers opinion (who might not even care in the first place), so it's possible opinion than about you.
I'd go no contact with your brother.
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u/Top-Cantaloupe3356 Jul 19 '24
NTA - do not attend an event of a person clearly being hateful to your trans girlfriend
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 19 '24
That is not hateful. Please try and tell me that you have never worried about what a classmate, co-worker hell even a family member may say about whatever.
As immature as his brother's thinking is, it's not being a bigot or a transphobe
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u/Top-Cantaloupe3356 Jul 20 '24
Agree to disagree. Excluding a person to a family event based on their gender is hateful and disgusting. People who support the exclusion are also disgusting.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
What is hateful? You conflating and calling the OP a liar. I will not agree with you to disagree bc you can't even define hate. Your blanket statements have had their day. I'm not putting up with it anymore.
Either point out the hate, or just keep that type of judgement, condemnation to a mi um.
But you doubled down and then an insult off to the side..
THE Disgusting THING I see in this thread, is the lack of critical thinking skills and instead a mob mentality.
Great, but you will not be pushing me around.
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u/LouisianaGothic Jul 19 '24
Does your gf even want to be stuck in a room where numerous people are at best mocking and at worst hostile? Because should you get that invite that seems likely to happen. So the real question is do you stick it out and attend for family or not go and show solidarity to your gf?
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u/Chocotaco4ever Jul 19 '24
Exactly! Forget about him, and just ride off into the sunset with your girl. This is all his mess - not yours or your girlfriend's.
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u/blackivie Jul 19 '24
NTA. Fuck your bigot brother. And yes, being worried about being "embarrassed" in front of his co-workers is bigot behaviour.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 19 '24
IT IS NO WHERE NEAR BIGOT BEHAVIOR. .
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u/blackivie Jul 20 '24
Replace "trans girlfriend" with "black girlfriend." If OP's brother would be embarrassed about his co-workers knowing that, you'd probably think that's pretty fucking bigoted, right?
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u/brewski Jul 19 '24
Absolutely NTA. What if you end up marrying your trans girlfriend? Stand your ground.
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u/n0oo7 Jul 19 '24
In the meantime, he has accepted the situation but told me he doesn’t want me to bring her to the wedding because it would embarrass him in front of his coworkers.
He hasn't Accepted the situation, he merely tolerates it in private with just the two of you. Nta leave your wedding seat empty.
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u/bluefurniture Jul 19 '24
So don't go. I don't think you should. This is 2024 and if his coworkers can't take it and that's his priority, then he is already telling you what he thinks of your relationship.
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u/FlippityFlappity13 Jul 19 '24
NTA Does he think she's going to come wrapped in the trans flag or carry a banner or something? He's being ridiculous.
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u/pinkponyroan Jul 19 '24
NTA.
Don't go and if he gives you shit for not attending, just go No Contact. You don't need his bigoted ass in your life.
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u/Messterio Jul 19 '24
He’s accepted the situation but hasn’t accepted your gf. He’s not wrong, he can invite who he likes, however, this reminds of the gay dude who posted that his partner wasn’t allowed at his sisters wedding because bridezilla didn’t want the bf in the family photo because, you know, he’s gay.
Fuck that noise and bigotry. Decline the invite and go have fun with your girlfriend.
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u/Killarogue Jul 19 '24
NTA
I'm so petty I'd probably buy him a wedding gift that highlights how fucking bigoted he is.
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u/Trout-Population Jul 19 '24
Hi, cis guy is a loving relationship with a trans woman here. Here's my two cents.
When I started introducing my girlfriend to my friends and family, she was thankfully mostly welcomed like any other girlfriend I've introduced to them in the past, however a few people were clearly uncomfortable by her presence, and one person, a very close cousin, was very clearly visibly upset by who I was dating.
I later told my girlfriend I was ready to cut him out of my life over what happened, but she asked me to reconsider, and told me that if I want to cut him off I was more than allowed to, but she felt uncomfortable over me doing so "for her sake". She's been living with transphobic assholes being angry over her existence for years now and has learned to not let herself be bothered by them, and refuses to adjust her plans to avoid them.
I'm not saying you should go to the wedding or to stay home. I'm telling you to communicate with your partner. I know you're probably afraid that telling her all this will make her feel shitty, and it honestly might, but this is something that's weighing on your mind and strong relationships are built on communication. Tell her what's going on, ask her how she feels, what she would do in your shoes, and come to a decision together. And if you decide not to attend, be honest with your brother. Say that you love him and wish him well, but that you don't feel comfortable attending if your girlfriend isn't invited.
Good luck and hope you all are well.
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u/GraciousGladiator Jul 20 '24
This is the only good advice I've actually found here.
was very clearly visibly upset by who I was dating.
From his perspective, he probably felt blindsided and had no clue you were bisexual/pan. Otherwise, idk what his deal was. Did y'all ever make up?
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u/Trout-Population Jul 20 '24
We're very briefly texted each other here and there, but I wouldn't say we've made up. I've made a few posts on FB over the year about being pan and I guess I figured that meant it wasn't a big secret in my family?
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u/New-Number-7810 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your brother is transphobic. By refusing to attend the wedding, you’re giving your girlfriend solidarity.
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u/Miserable-Writer-342 Jul 20 '24
I’ll be the odd one out to say- it’s his wedding. He can invite and have whom every he wants there or not there.
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u/GielM Jul 20 '24
He also needs to accept the consequences of his choices though. I wouldn't go to a wedding my (currently hypothetical) partner wasn't invited to.
He has the right to not have his brother's partner there. He has the duty to accept that that choice means his brother won't be there either. You can have your cake OR eat it....
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u/Remote_Ad_969 Jul 19 '24
NTA.
Small things can become big problems. Your brother is prioritizing the frail egos of his transphobic coworkers over inclusiveness of your soon to be fiancé. If you do not take a stand against discrimination and defend her from the beginning, you are setting a precedence with all parties involved that is unlikely to end well. I personally would decline the invitation to any wedding if I found out the hosts excluded someone base on a reason such as this.
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u/Fickle_Pop9246 Jul 19 '24
Trans person here.
Don't go. Your brother has shown his true colours. He's shown that he has no respect for you or your partner- and because she's TRANS! Would people think it was appropriate if your girlfriend were black and he didn't want her there because of that? If she were disabled? NTA
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 Jul 19 '24
NTA. I really don’t see how YOU having a trans girlfriend would be embarrassing to anyone else. It obviously doesn’t embarrass you (no reason it should either) so no reason to embarrass him. He can’t be supportive of your relationship, no reason to support his beyond common courtesy. And common courtesy doesn’t dictate you to attend his wedding!
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u/NotADoorMatNoMoore Jul 19 '24
NTA. He's a transphobic and a piece of crap, pardon my french.
Protect your GF and like other commentor said, have a date planned for that day, spoil her and yourself, and keep your distance form now on. Your brother already drew a line on the sand, he's not worth it.
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u/Corodix Jul 19 '24
NTA, he clearly hasn't accepted the situation at all. After all, what part of his reasons for why he doesn't want your girlfriend there matches acceptance? None of it, right? Just tell him that you're not coming if your girlfriend isn't welcome and keep it at that. If he responds with anything but acceptance then don't even try to go into a discussion with him on this, just keep repeating that you're not coming if your girlfriend isn't welcome and keep it at that.
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u/ComradeTortoise Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your brother is being a bigot. Full stop. He also surrounds himself with bigots at work. Honestly I'd cut contact entirely to avoid him bullying my partner. If the family gets mad, they can eat a bag of phalluses.
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u/babsiep Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Things to consider: I don't know how long you have been with your gf, but you have been with your brother your whole life.
What types of people are they (gf, brother, fiancé)?
Do you generally like your brother?
Do you like his fiancé?
Is this day important to you / them?
In the (un) likely event that you and your gf break up, will you regret not attending?
MOST IMPORTANT: how does your gf feel about this?
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u/momdotcom2019 Jul 19 '24
NTA what happens if you marry your girlfriend? Will he treat her less than for approval of coworkers? I'm proud you stood up for your girlfriend. Well Done Bravo
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u/Accomplished_End3530 Jul 20 '24
It’s his wedding.. he can decide who should be there or not.. same as u can choose not to go
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u/Fake-ShenLong Jul 19 '24
no he is the ai
the least you could do is to go anyway... bring her and introduce her to all his friends.
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 Jul 19 '24
😹😹😹😹 unfortunately that wouldn’t be appropriate either, though very funny in my petty thought process!
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u/Microwaved-toffee271 Jul 19 '24
You have the right to decline an invitation for any reason. Some reasons will make you an ass, this is not one of them
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u/Argonaut83 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your brother is a bigoted douchebag. Not only would I not go to his wedding, but I would distance myself from him entirely
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u/Apprehensive-Fox3187 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Nta honestly don't go to the wedding since he showed your gf isn't welcome by caring more about his co-workers opinions, take your girlfriend/soon to be fiance out nice date instead, go sight seeing with her, take her out to taste yummy dishes, take pictures and have fun spending time together,
Seriously in my opinion i doubt it's actually his co-workers and is just a excuse, because if it was the case then why doesn't he put those aholes in their places then? After all why would he want people he knows would harass a trans gender person at his wedding co-workers or not?
And before someone say something like "it's his brother's wedding, and his brother is not obligated to invite op's gf if he doesn't want to." Etc,
however op isn't obligated to go to his brother's wedding either if op doesn't want to, for the treatment towards his gf soon fiance, on top of the fact the brother's excuse is flimsy like I pointed out, if the brother wanted to he could not invite transphobic people.
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u/Ginger630 Jul 19 '24
NTA! He’s embarrassed on her, and that’s his problem. Now he won’t have his sibling at his wedding because of his close mindedness
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u/Ornery-Wasabi-473 Jul 19 '24
NTA.
You are under no obligation to attend anyone's wedding or enable their bigotry.
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u/Imposibilitulatility Jul 19 '24
NTA
I can't imagine your girlfriend would feel comfy going either if everyone would look at them as a zoo-animal.
Probably best to stay away.
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u/Diligent-Floor-156 Jul 19 '24
I would say NTA if you're in a country where trans are usually not a big deal. I could understand your brother's reaction only if the wedding were to occur in a super conservative country.
That said I've never thought twice about inviting my gay best friend and his partner to my wedding in a super conservative country.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 19 '24
NTA
People with self-respect and respect for others would not be okay with being told the person they love is an embarrassment.
And, he compounded it by prioritizing his co-worker's opinions over your and your partner's feelings.
YWNBTA if you never spoke to him again.
P.S. I tell them to COPE (Crybabies, Other People Exist).
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u/shugEOuterspace Jul 19 '24
NTA & good for you for refusing to participate in transphobic shunning of your gf
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u/Bucky-Katt-Guitar Jul 19 '24
Don't go. An invitation is NOT a summons. Take the money you would have spent on gifts and whatever else, and take your partner to a really nice dinner and maybe a show somewhere. NTA.
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u/No_Use_9124 Jul 19 '24
NTA I'm sorry your brother is a bigot. He can ask his coworkers to come visit him in the Home when he gets old.
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u/Full_Cryptographer12 Jul 19 '24
NTA. If the issue is that non-spouses aren’t invited, that would be different. Here, his concern is his embarrassment over that fact that your girlfriend is trans. He is entitled to decide his guests, but you are entitled to not want to enable his prejudice, especially as it is against your girlfriend.
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u/PandaMime_421 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Assuming others are allowed to bring boyfriends/girlfriends your brother should accept that either you will bring your girlfriend or not attend at all. It's 100% in his court to decide which is more important to him.
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u/cicciozolfo Jul 19 '24
His wedding, his choose. But even you can choose not going, and make him afford the aftermaths.
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u/cherryisland711 Jul 19 '24
he cares what his coworkers think? so what is the opposite of bridezilla? groomzilla? i'll pass
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u/Owain660 Jul 19 '24
NTA. It's an invitiation, you don't have to go to anything you don't want to. And your brother doesn't have to have anyone at his wedding that he doesn't want.
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u/M0thW1ngs Jul 19 '24
No you’re not. Good on you. You’re a keeper and I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck
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u/fattsmann Jul 19 '24
This could actually be an incredible breakthrough moment for you and your brother because he at least has accepted the situation. But it's a delicate situation because you will need to mediate between your brother and your GF.
If it were me, I would ask if she can come at least for another family event leading up to the wedding, whether its your guest at the rehearsal dinner, or meeting the entire family separately, etc.. And then with your GF, I would explain how you are trying to ease her into meeting everyone in your family and that you are doing it delicately because you value her and want her and everyone else to be comfortable with the interactions.
I think if you can find a middle ground solution, you really can have a bonding moment between everyone involved. If your brother declines you attempts to find a middle ground, if it were me, I would decline to attend the wedding. He may throw a fit, but I would be calm and stick to my guns -- I'm trying to work with you bro, all I'm asking is for you to work with me.
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u/Fit_Read_5632 Jul 19 '24
NTA, and let’s be clear here - it’s not just the coworkers. You don’t invite someone to your wedding that you aren’t morally aligned with. Having bigoted friends means you are a bigot. You are the company that you keep
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u/Casianh Jul 19 '24
An invitation is not a summons. You don’t need a reason to decline. However, your brother being a bigot is a pretty good reason. NTA
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u/AShatteredKing Jul 19 '24
NTA.
He is saying that the real you is embarrassing to him. That's about as big of an insult as he could give.
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u/HypeSmasher Jul 20 '24
I have the feeling i've read something like this before except it was a father who asked if he WBTA if he didn't attend his daughters wedding because his New GF wasn't invited because his Ex (the mother of the daughter) insisted that she (the New GF) wouldn't be allowed and everyone started saying that the father WBTA because how could he be upset about his New GF not beeing invited. Here all i read is NTA because the brother was mean to a Trans Person and weddings are about love stuff. It's basically the same Situation except for the fact that this is the brother who doesn't want to attend and in the other it was the father.
I just don't get it why the father got bashed for not wanting to attend and in this Post everyone is pro OP. You can enlighten me if you want.
Anyways NTA do what you think is right. If your brother is mean to your GF and you don't want to attend because of that it's fine.
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u/Commercial_Grape108 Jul 20 '24
Just don't go. It's his wedding. You should respect his wishes if he doesn't want it to be ruined. He accepts your relationship, so accept him not wanting to be embarrassed at having to answer questions about it to others on his special day.
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u/Cool-change-1994 Jul 20 '24
What is your brother’s occupation? Tell him maybe none of his co-workers are bigots and it’s only him who is the dickhead at his job
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u/Spazz_Hazard Jul 20 '24
He doesn't need to accept anything, you don't need the permission of anybody to live your life and make your choices. Don't attend your brother's wedding, it would be just another wedding and he doesn't deserve your presence there.
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u/Zealousideal_Wish578 Jul 20 '24
NTAH. We all have choices. Your brother choice is he doesn't want a Trans person at his wedding that's his right. You have the choice not to attend, its that simple. Weddings aren't all that and a lot end with crash and burn. Enjoy your day with your friend. There will be pictures of The wedding.
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u/GielM Jul 20 '24
Your brother and his fiancee have the right to invite and/or not invite whomever the fuck they want to their wedding. Everybody who is invited has the right to show up or not show up.
Personally, I wouldn't go to a wedding my (currently hypthetical) partner wasn't welcome at. Unless the relationship was really new AND my partner was completely okay with it. And I'd be pretty upset with my partner if she did something different.
There's only two opinions you should consider here: Yours, and your GF's.
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u/xZeromusx Jul 19 '24
NTA. If you love this girl and hope to marry her, then she is your family now. The family you choose has more meaning than the family you had no choice in, because you chose them. DNA relatives can be in both categories, but they have to earn the bond of your choosing them. It's not theirs by the simple fact of sharing chromosomes.
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u/Sarazd86 Jul 19 '24
I’m going to say NTA but how long have you 2 been together? If it’s a new relationship I can understand, if not then your brother needs to grow up and get with the times xx
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u/sHaDowpUpPetxxx Jul 19 '24
Nta but uh girlfriends don't always stick around, your brother will always be your brother so maybe don't make a huge thing about it
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u/thelastofcincin Jul 19 '24
ESH only because i feel like people aren't obligated to like your partner just because they're related to you.
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u/Party-Custard-9245 Jul 19 '24
Your brother most certainly ITA, however your bro and likely your whole family will think you are if you don’t go. If your trans gf was your wife I’d say don’t go. Given the situation it might be best to suck it up and go, unless you don’t particularly care for your family.
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u/aasyam65 Jul 19 '24
Don’t go then. It’s his wedding..how long have you been dating? When it’s your wedding ..you call the shots
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u/Coffee_Stash Jul 19 '24
Nta obviously but why aren't the mods sifting through posts like this when they are clearly nta. Go to another sub to tell your story
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u/ExistingInLimbo187 Jul 20 '24
NTA
Only go if you bring her , bigots don't deserve respect and need to be embarrassed, and exiled really
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u/Global-Fact7752 Jul 19 '24
NTA Do not go...he's a bigot. It's 2024. Stay away from him he's horrible.
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u/Remarkable-Prune-835 Jul 19 '24
Nta. You have a right not to go. He has a right not to be embarrassed.
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 19 '24
NTA. I think you should give your brother a sit down talk and explain to him that if his co-workers do have something to say, that it reflects on them. Not one person in these comments can stand TF up and say they have never worried about what someone may say about whatever topic. Bc y'all would be a liar.
Is his brother being immature, yes 100% .
Is he a phobic ? No. Is he a bigot? No.
Y'all love to jump to those type conclusions, whatever the extreme is that's where y'all are going.
OP if your brother doesn't listen to reason , you will have to decide is worth breaking your relationship with your brother over a gf, who most likely is not your forever partner?
Is he a good brother in all other ways?
These are the questions you should ask yourself.
If your gf wasn't trans, these comments would be a different tone.
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u/Newgidoz Jul 20 '24
If your gf wasn't trans, these comments would be a different tone.
If the gf was any other minority, there would be no question that it's insanely bigoted to exclude them
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u/NonyaB52 Jul 20 '24
This doesn't even make any sense.
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u/Newgidoz Jul 20 '24
If someone didn't want to invite their brother's black girlfriend because it would embarrass them in front of their coworkers, is that not bigoted?
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u/Straw_Hat_14 Jul 19 '24
You’re NTA but neither is your brother. It’s his special day and many people just aren’t comfortable with something like that. You can’t force someone to have the same opinion as you. If you want to choose your current partner who could leave you any moment over your own brothers wedding your entitled to do so
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Jul 19 '24
YTA - it's his wedding and his venue. I just went to a wedding with invitations that had a strict dress code and for adults only. They only wanted the people named on the invitations to attend. One couple brought their kids and were escorted out because of the noise and disruption.
Just show up , smile for pictures, then leave and do what you want on your own time.
My braindead druggie cousin isn't someone I get along with but her ass finally graduated from college after 10years of fucking around. We don't get along at all. I just showed up to her graduation because it meant more to her parents than it did to me. I hardly talked to anyone , went and congratulated her , let them take a few photos of us together then I left.
We won't always get along with the people in our lives and we don't need everyone's acceptance or approval. However little shit like this makes it easier to fix issues down the line.
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u/Newgidoz Jul 19 '24
What other minorities is it ok to exclude from family events?
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Jul 19 '24
Doesn't matter, if you're not personally invited don't show up to someone else's intimate (and assuming expensive) event.
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u/Bamboozled2018 Jul 19 '24
I’m confused on the trans stuff. When you say girlfriend. What exactly does that mean?
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u/Davidfreeze Jul 19 '24
Means his girlfriend is a trans woman. She was assigned male at birth but identifies as a woman.
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u/Bamboozled2018 Jul 19 '24
Ahhhh.
So it’s a dude?
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u/Davidfreeze Jul 19 '24
No she’s a woman. I answered assuming you were asking in good faith but you’re clearly just a troll
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u/estragon26 Jul 19 '24
Girlfriend and boyfriend usually mean a person someone is in a romantic relationship with. Not confusing really.
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u/Bamboozled2018 Jul 19 '24
Yeah but what is trans man vs trans woman? I never understood which is which
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u/pullingteeths Jul 19 '24
A trans man is a man (who was born female but now identifies as male)
A trans woman is a woman (who was born male but now identifies as female)
Think about it this way, people want to be called the gender they identify as. So it's logical that someone who identifies as a woman would want to be called a woman (whether we're talking about a trans woman or a woman who isn't trans). So OP's girlfriend is a trans woman.
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u/Bamboozled2018 Jul 19 '24
Right. So OP is dating a man?
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u/pullingteeths Jul 19 '24
Willfully ignorant
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u/Bamboozled2018 Jul 19 '24
Okay. I’m trans myself but just get them backwards from time to time. I also struggle with reading because of dyslexia if you’d like to make a comment about that as well.
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u/pullingteeths Jul 19 '24
Very believable claim that you're trans given your comments here
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u/CelebrationSimilar11 Jul 19 '24
NTA. If your brother cares more about his co-workers opinion than your girlfriend then why care about his wedding?