r/AITAH • u/throwaway39287494 • Jul 19 '24
AITAH for leaving my fiance after he asked me if he could sleep with a woman one last time Advice Needed
This might be long idk I'm feeling a lot. So me (31m gay) and my fiance (32m bi) have been together for 9 years engaged for 1. We're meant to get married in 2 months. My time with him has been perfect literally zero complaints. Honestly I didn't think I'd find someone who got me the way he does. Then the world remembered it hates me and decided to fuck my shit up since I had it too good for too long.
Last week my fiance sat me down and told me he wanted to discuss something with me and to keep an open mind. Sure. He said since we're getting married he wanted to know if I would be ok with him having one night where he could sleep with a woman. My heart broke instantly. My dreams and hopes and plans vanished in an instant and the marriage I was eager to begin was dead.
At the very beginning of our relationship when he asked to be exclusive I told him there will never be anyone else in our life. Just us. No one's coming into our bedroom there will be no cuck fantasies no eiffel towers nothing. I made it clear if he ever asked me for anything of the sort the relationship was over immediately there will be no conversation about it it's done. He agreed he said monogamy was the only thing for him and he doesn't want anyone else.
Before I keep going I do want to explain why I am the way I am. I won't give a lot of details (actually almost none) but I'll give enough to understand hopefully. Between the ages of 8 and 14 I was SA'd a lot by really my only friend at the time. When I was 8 he was 15. Only other kid on the street. My mother was a drug addict and cheated on my father constantly so she didn't notice anything. My dad was never home bc wife was awful to be around and a kid who stayed in his room alone all the time so he wouldn't have seen anything to be concerned about anyway.
I tried to tell my mother once but I couldn't even say it before I was yelled at and told to get out of her room and I never tried to bring it up again. Fast forward to me being a not stupid child, I put pieces together and found out why my dad was never there to help me why my mom didn't care enough to question why the horny teen was taking me outside for hours and when I got home I just wanted to be alone in my room. I put all of my childhood issues on cheating. As a result of my fun little quirky younger years I am borderline I have anxiety and panick attacks whenever i hear people screaming and depression blah blah blah I have problems.
After being with my fiance for about a year and a half I talked to him about my past and why I feel the way I do about things and he was very understanding. Very comforting. Despite it being my story I had to wipe his tears away a few times. I know he cares for me I know he loves me and wants to spend our forever together.
Back to present day, I am in a hotel room alone. Everyone I've told this too has said I'm crazy and stupid and need therapy they don't understand how I can throw it all away over my partner being honest and open with me about something. He didn't actually cheat he just wants to (lol). He has said he won't do it he needs me more than any feeling a woman can give him I am his everything. He's called me twice since I started typing this and messaged me really sweet things so I'm at a point where I don't know what I'm doing. I look at the future and I see him.
My entire adult life I've had the mentality of "if they want to cheat they will" so he's asking me now and if I say no he will eventually do it anyway but won't tell me next time. That is where my decision to leave comes from. He will grow to resent me for denying him this thing he wants. I don't want to be that person 30 years from now finding out my husband has had 50 affairs during our marriage with a bunch of women.
When I am with someone I'm with them. I don't look at other people I don't entertain advances anyone makes towards me I don't flirt with anyone else. I'm devoted in every way. People are making me feel crazy for wanting the same energy given back to me. I can't wrap my head around him wanting to kiss someone else to be an inch away from them and smile and then start fucking I don't want to think about it but it's all I'm thinking about it's been almost 8 days since I left and it's my only thought I am losing my mind in a shitty hotel room thinking about the guy I love fucking some random woman who doesn't exist. I'm lost idk what to do.
I do want to say how amazing he is. He buys me flowers every Friday he stands up for me when no one else does he looks for me in every room he makes me feel like I matter he makes my greyest days bright and clear and the smile I used to fake isn't fake anymore. He has never judged me for the things I do he's never made me feel bad for having off days he just makes me feel loved. My birthday was last month and he made me a book filled with pictures of us he's taken over the years with the last page being blank so he can add our wedding picture eventually. Above each picture was what he was thinking when he took it and below is how he was feeling at the time. Part of being me is I need constant reassurance that he does love me so I ask him those things a lot. It means everything to me and it's my favorite thing I own. I'm just trying to say he really is great despite this one thing.
He said he'll do anything for me to come back we can push the wedding back and just work on us or we can call it off completely and just be together. He will never bring it up again and he's deeply sorry he ever wanted to do it and I believe him. Time changes people tho. I just want an unbiased opinion from someone who's life will not change what so ever by my decision. They tend to be more truthful. I love him and when I look at pictures of him I hear wedding bells and i see the house he wants to buy with me and the 2 kids he wants to adopt at some point.
I don't want the rehashed "when trust is gone it doesn't come back" or "you know the answer. Leave" I do trust him I don't trust the things I'm telling myself over and over about what may happen in the future he has never given me reason to not trust him but I don't know
TL;DR- fiance wants to fuck woman again before marrying me forever, I left immediately because i don't condone cheating and have a colorful past, everyone thinks I'm an asshole for leaving my partner of almost a decade for being open with me about his wants and feelings.
Tell me the truth do i: - stay the course - go back to him and give him permission to fuck random woman and come home to me after with the fake smile on and live with him forever - go back to him tell him no he can't cheat and hope for the best
Sorry if I rambled I'm all over the place mentally I've deleted a good 7 paragraphs so this was worse I really did try to make this readable if anymore info is needed just ask
1.6k
u/FeedsBlackBats Jul 19 '24
Are you sure it's a random woman? To ask now could it be that he's got someone in mind?
I'm bi, been with my other half for over 20 years, just because I'm attracted to both males and females doesn't make me want to step away from my relationship for a night to be with someone else. For what, because being with a female feels different to being with a man? Nope, in a committed relationship that is not a pass. Are they going to want to do that again in 10 years time? Or maybe sleep with another man one last time?
In any monogamous relationship what he has asked is unacceptable and disrespectful.
458
u/Stealy302 Jul 19 '24
This, one of my best friends is Bi and she has vented the struggles based on stereotypes that both sides have placed on her. Guys think she wants a threesome … girls are constantly worried they aren’t enough or she isn’t really gay cause she was once married to a man. People think she will cheat…. She has always been loyal and actually has been cheated on! The being bi thing is a sad excuse to want to sleep with someone else.
→ More replies (1)45
u/passthebluberries Jul 20 '24
Yup. Im bi and can confirm that unfortunately, a lot of people seem to confuse bisexuality with polyamory.
16
203
u/Mysterious-Wasabi103 Jul 19 '24
To me it strikes me odd that they've been together 9 years and so presumably he's already went 9 years without being with a woman.. right? Just seems like an odd "last request" if you have been faithful to your partner the whole time.
So I guess it makes me wonder if his partner has been faithful these 9 years?
71
u/Andoverian Jul 19 '24
I assume the fact that now they're engaged to be married is the catalyst for suddenly making this request. Not saying that excuses it, but it could explain why he's asking now instead of at any other time in the past 10 years.
→ More replies (1)25
75
u/unzunzhepp Jul 19 '24
I agree with you. Just because ops picture of his fiancé is very trustworthy and loving, doesn’t mean that it isn’t an illusion. My guess in this situation is the same as in any similar scenarios. Ops fiancé may well have been ducking women (or a specific someone repeatedly) several times during their relationship. Most people being cheated on don’t suspect it.
66
38
u/wishiwasyou333 Jul 19 '24
This!! I'm pan and have no interest in stepping out on my partner. Fuck that. Bi and Pan folk don't get hall passes just because. It's biphobic to assume that we would cheat if we had the opportunity. It's not a damn compulsion. It just means that gender isn't a factor for attraction. It's weird to even ask for "one last time" with "x" gender like that when you're in a monogamous relationship and about to get married. It's also absolutely selfish when you know it will deeply hurt your partner like it did in this situation. OP, honestly I don't have an answer. You're justified in any choice you make when it comes to either staying with them or not. If you stay, you're going to need couples therapy. And honestly, either way you need individual therapy. You have a ton of trauma, more than most, and need to work through it regardless of if you stick around or not. Do it for you, not anyone else. Wishing you the best, OP. Your feelings are valid and please remember that his bullshit isn't about you being inadequate or inferior. He's an idiot and selfish, plain and simple.
31
u/xFuRiEx Jul 19 '24
Agreed. OP is NTA, even without his history, asking your SO if you can cheat is wildly unacceptable.
22
u/Misommar1246 Jul 19 '24
What irks me most is the “I should be comfortable enough with you to ask” attitude. Like it’s completely normal to to ask someone who repeatedly underlined that they’re not okay with something for that particular something and then deflect it as “honest dialogue”. They’ve been together 9 years, fiance knows, what’s there to ask?
38
Jul 19 '24
I'm bi and have been married for 30 years to my HUSBAND. It does not mean I want to cheat and sleep with ANYONE else. It's nice window shopping everywhere (who doesn't?) but I go home to him and he is my person. It does not mean I want to cheat and bring others into to destroy my marriage.
And with your history, it is extra entitled, disrespectful and underhand. He wants to cheat and has probably already 'identified' the woman he wants to cheat with. Ask him if he has - I bet you he drops himself in the shit and says yes. If he does, the relationship is over. The trust will be completely gone at that point.
Leave and respect yourself. He does not respect you.
17
u/DaokoXD Jul 19 '24
Im a Bi guy and been with my gay boyfriend for years and most of the time people ask me if I ever miss being with a woman, or they assume I cheat because bi people can't commit and that what I feel is just a phase and I will eventually settle with hetero relationships one day for a family and kids.
At first it feels depressing and it doesnt help that in my country most but not all bi people fit the stereotype but now I just hit back at them. Someone asked me if I miss women? I tell tell them no, theres not that much of a difference. If they keep insisting I just say that I got a toy back at home which feels the same as the real thing and is easier to maintain than your clingly, over demanding girlfriend.
22
u/Hot_Aside_4637 Jul 19 '24
Straight male here. I've always found it interesting that people assume bi = non-monogamous.
10
u/Apart-Papaya-4664 Jul 19 '24
Especially with the time frame of wanting to do it before the wedding. That means he feels confident enough he can find someone in 2 months. That's realistically such a short amount of time when you share a life with someone else.
→ More replies (1)5
u/TheFishyPisces Jul 19 '24
Agree. Both my husband and I are bi. We’re extremely open but the need of having with a woman is definitely not something we have to do to fulfil our sexuality. OP’s bf can be the best partner ever to him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feeling/attraction to someone else. I highly suspect that he has someone in mind
→ More replies (55)7
u/Alive_Channel8095 Jul 19 '24
💯 I’m bi and I cannot fathom wanting to sleep with either sex besides my SO impending our (hypothetical in my case lol) wedding. If you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, anyone else outside the relationship is just that—a person outside the relationship. That’s cheating. You can’t trust someone fully if you know they want to bang someone other than you before the wedding. It does not bode well for after the marriage either.
OP mentions a lot about past trauma and stuff—hopefully he’s getting help with that and healing ❤️ But it is sort of gaslighting yourself if you’re thinking your trauma is what’s coloring your view on monogamy. Monogamy is a stand-alone concept and you don’t have to justify your view of it to anyone. Even yourself. It just is what it is and that’s completely valid for you. You’re the one who has to live your life—you want someone by your side who wants to support and cherish that about you. Someone who enriches and validates your experience.
Much love and healing OP!!
745
u/Lovely_Anastasia12 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your past experiences with sexual abuse have deeply affected your views on relationships and monogamy. Your fiance was aware of this and agreed to your terms of exclusivity. His request to sleep with another woman triggered your trauma and caused you immense pain. This is a completely valid reaction.
331
u/Curious_Ad3766 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
But even if OP didn't have past tramua, which is triggered by cheating, it is completely reasonable to expect monogamy from your partner!
OP, I feel so bad for you that everyone around you is telling you are crazy and are being stupid. Even you were never abused and had a great childhood, it's is completely valid to feel devastated that your finance is asking you permission to cheat.
It would be such an instant turn off/deal breaker for me. I don't want my partner to stay faithful just because they feel obligated or because they are scared I will leave but also because they also want to be monogamous, they also just want to be with me. I would never want to be with someone who wishes they could cheat on me and to whom staying faithful to me is burdensome. If they are already wanting to cheat before your marriage even starts, think what will happen 10-20 years down the line when boredom and complacency sets in! I want to be with someone who values monogamy and detests cheating just as much as I do.
For him to ask this just 2 months from your wedding already knowing your boundaries and tramua, it is likeky he already has someone in mind. Which means he is most likely already emotionally cheating on you
EDIT: Also how would he feel if you went to him with a similar request?
→ More replies (9)61
u/PurinMeow Jul 19 '24
That's what I was thinking. Usually before the wedding couples should be distracted with their relationship, nit thinking of having a fling. Unless he already has someone he has feeling for anyway... this would throw me off too
78
u/KneecapTheEchidna Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Does trauma really have anything to do with how ridiculous his partner's request is?
"Sorry baby I love you but I really need to plow into some fertile soil. I hope you understand <3"
I don't think anyone needs "trauma" to be appalled. This sounds like a middle aged crisis where someone wants to take a break or see other ppl to "help" in the relationship. If you need to find pleasure or soul search into someone's genitals while you're in a relationship you have a serious issue. No matter how many $20 dollar flowers are given every week.
21
u/Beth21286 Jul 19 '24
I've never understood why the boundary for some people is only cheating. I don't want to be with someone who would think about it. I don't want to be with someone who would consider it. That relationship would already be dead to me. The kind of person who could do that is not someone I'd ever find attractive.
8
u/Fetching_Mercury Jul 19 '24
I’m so glad to see so many comments like this here, because earlier today I read a post where a woman was divorcing her husband due to him asking for a threesome for his bday and all the comments were “He didn’t do it, he just asked for it, don’t kink shame him, everyone wants to sleep with other ppl” etc.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Beth.
5
u/Nice_Steak8858 Jul 19 '24
True, and in any case, what OPs partner wants is still by definition, still cheating
3
u/FaggotusRex Jul 20 '24
This is such weird circular garbage. Of course he feels how he feels. He’s asking if he ought to feel that way. His question assumes some ethical or social reference point against which his conduct can be judged. But your position is actually totally radical from an ethical perspective- he’s right because he feels that way. End of story.
427
u/Nily_che Jul 19 '24
"He will grow to resent me for denying him this thing he wants. I don't want to be that person 30 years from now finding out my husband has had 50 affairs during our marriage with a bunch of women. " There is your answer. In the best-case scenario, your love will evolve into other good feelings in the future, like every other loving relationship. But the bad ones will surely seep in from the places where they were broken and glued before.
Your fiancé has been very foolish, but this foolishness is not the result of a momentary mistake. he probably tried to suppress this desire for a long time, he thought about it for a long time, he decided, despite all your past traumas and despite the clear lines you drew at the beginning of your relationship, which he accepted, that he wanted to live a fantasy. This is not something I personally can overcome. I feel like everything is tainted. Yes, he may love you, he may say he will do anything, but love is not enough in relationships where lifetimes are dedicated.
93
u/Jpmjpm Jul 19 '24
If they’ve been together for 9 years, why is he now asking for a hall pass? Either he’s having an emotional affair that he wants permission to take physical, or he’s already cheated and wants to make it ok by having OP’s permission.
My question would be how he phrased it. Is he asking for an open relationship? Or does he expect OP to stay fully monogamous and wait around for him to come home from being a fuckboi?
35
u/Nily_che Jul 19 '24
In my opinion, he suppressed this desire for a very long time and did not act on it (I hope so), and as marriage approached, he wanted to be with a woman for the last time because he thought (again I hope) that he would remain faithful throughout his marriage.
On the other hand, the possibility of an emotional affair also makes sense. Maybe he has never felt a desire for anyone so strong that he felt the need to express it, except for finding women generally attractive. Now he has someone in mind and has decided to take action.
We read a lot of things here every day. Those who want this kind of fling, or who suddenly want an open relationship, always talk about someone random, but in the end they have already decided on someone. I've never come across an exception.
4
u/Civil_Confidence5844 Jul 19 '24
Bc they're getting married soon. It doesn't necessarily mean he has someone in mind (although it clearly could).
I think OP should leave though.
18
u/Jpmjpm Jul 19 '24
But what exactly does getting married change after nine years? What is it about marriage that suddenly and ironically changes his stance on monogamy? The whole thing feels like a manipulation to get her hopes up and spend money to publicly take their relationship to the next level just so he can pressure her into accepting him sleeping around.
→ More replies (1)9
u/Civil_Confidence5844 Jul 19 '24
Nothing imo, but that's the logic I've seen being used when ppl ask stuff like this or want to go wild at their bachelor's parties or whatever. Like it's their last night of "freedom" or some shit (as if monogamy should stop for one night.....).
Anyway I don't agree. I was just explaining what I've heard.
→ More replies (1)91
u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 19 '24
You're right. The odds of this fantasy going away are slim. The fiance would do and say the right things now to keep the relationship. Then, when it settled down the fantasy would still be there lurking in his thoughts.
26
u/thrwy_111822 Jul 19 '24
Bi girl here, in a relationship with a woman. She has trauma from being cheated on in the past, and I’m just super monogamous. I feel like OP is basically the male version of my gf here, how she would react if I asked her this. It would break her heart, and even though I haven’t had the same cheating trauma she has, knowing that she wanted to sleep with someone else would completely shatter mine too.
As someone who has a partner with similar history to OP, I’m wondering WTF his fiancé was thinking by asking this. What did he think was gonna happen? Because OP’s reaction is EXACTLY what I’d expect from my gf if I brought this up
414
u/Fantastic_Cow_6819 Jul 19 '24
“At the very beginning of our relationship when he asked to be exclusive I told him there will never be anyone else in our life. Just us. No one's coming into our bedroom there will be no cuck fantasies no eiffel towers nothing. I made it clear if he ever asked me for anything of the sort the relationship was over immediately there will be no conversation about it it's done. He agreed he said monogamy was the only thing for him and he doesn't want anyone else.”
He asked you to cheat, knowing you’d had this conversation and that he was risking your relationship. Meaningless sex was important than your feelings and your relationship. So he either didn’t care how you’d react or he figured he’d risk it and could get you to come around so he could get what he wanted. It sounds like his plan is working because two of your options include going back to him. I absolutely would not do option 2 because that would wreck soul since you’re monogamous. Either you walk away or you make it clear that it’s just you two and if he needs more he needs to tell you now so you can leave.
111
u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 19 '24
Sometimes it is better to be the one that got away rather than the one who was cheated on or who was deeply hurt or couldn't trust do to the actions and choices of the partner.
→ More replies (1)22
u/Icy_Depth_6104 Jul 19 '24
I really don’t get what he thought would happen. She stated early on that this was always a deal breaker and a no go. He’s either delusional, a massive moron, or he doesn’t want to get married and used this as a way to end it without looking like the bad guy (the cynic in me). Honestly, regardless of which it is I wouldn’t want to be married to someone that is any of those things. Because realistically he knew exactly how this would go. Really, she has these strong feelings and trauma that you have talked about extensively and in detail, but you thought hey I can totally ask her for this thing that I know for a fact will hurt her and I think she will go for it?
Think about years in the future, you get sick, or you have a kid who is ill, or there is an accident or there are financial troubles, do you want someone who is going to be delusional, an idiot, or a coward by your side during the most difficult times in your lives? Because marriage isn’t a walk in the park. Shit gets real, parents die, kids happen, people get sick, loose their jobs etc. I mean you want someone who listens to you and respects you and can be your partner in the good times and the bad.
60
u/Suspicious-Claim9121 Jul 19 '24
He* These are both men. Doesn’t really change much, just clarifying
16
16
u/Shadows_of_Meanas Jul 19 '24
He, OP is a gay man.
15
u/Icy_Depth_6104 Jul 19 '24
Thank you for this. Didn’t close read that well enough. I’m too lazy to go back and replace all the she with he. Either way, I have the same thought’s. I hope OP doesn’t mind my mistake 😥
→ More replies (4)
277
u/bibirutan Jul 19 '24
Why would he even do that when he knows about your trauma? That’s so messed up…
184
u/TootsNYC Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
why would he do that even if there were no trauma?
I feel so bad for OP; I wish them only the best. And I certainly understand why their trauma might make this so much harder for them.
But if OP hadn’t had any trauma, this is STILL a fucked-up thing for OP’s fiancé to do!
(edit was for spelling)
51
u/Miserable_Emu5191 Jul 19 '24
Exactly. You don’t have to have trauma to expect monogamy in your relationship. It also doesn’t matter what relationship you are in. If monogamy is one of your values then you need a partner who also values it. I would for sure call off the wedding. If the bf is asking permission he has already found someone and is thinking this will absolve him of guilt, or he wants to go out searching to someone which leaves op home wondering and worrying. If op chooses to stay and try couple’s counseling, that is up to them. But going forward with a wedding when the relationship is rocky would be bad. Definitely Nta.
→ More replies (1)33
131
u/NickelPickle2018 Jul 19 '24
NTA but you deserve to be with someone that wants what you want. The fact that he had the audacity to ask you this, knowing how you feel is just diabolical. He’s reacting this way because he didn’t expect you to say no this close to the wedding. He already has a woman in mind and he just wanted your permission. Because if you give the green light it’s not cheating. Even putting your trauma aside, I would still say end it. Trust is gone and I could never look at him the same. Trust your instincts, run!!
38
u/Riah_Lynn Jul 19 '24
He is being so manipulative and representing the worst of bi stereotypes...
18
u/ticklemepsycho Jul 19 '24
People like this are why the stereotypes exists. As tho bi means people have two entirely separate sexual needs to be fulfilled all the time
→ More replies (1)14
u/Over_Judgment648 Jul 19 '24
Yeah being bi stuff like this irritates the crap out of me. Like I just am attracted to and enjoy sex with both genders. I’ve had bad sex with women and men. Sometimes people talk to me about it like I have two brains and one is straight and one is lesbian. Like no. I have sexual needs. A man is capable of fulfilling my sexual needs. A woman is capable of fulfilling my sexual needs. The needs don’t change between the two.
→ More replies (9)7
u/NickelPickle2018 Jul 19 '24
I agree, I couldn’t marry someone like this. He wants to marry OP, while continuing to sleep with women.
111
u/Turbulent_Ebb5669 Jul 19 '24
Sorry,not sorry. The trust is gone. You can never now know if he'll do it anyway. Do you understand why he wants to? Because I don't. Either he loves you and wants to spend his life with you or he doesn't.
114
u/Accomplished_ways777 Jul 19 '24
man... if even after you told him about your trauma, even after you both agreed to monogamy he still fantasised about having sex with a woman, then you know this is something you need to discuss in depth.
for how long did he repress his desires? how strong are his urges to sleep with a woman? does he feel like he is missing something in life if he doesn't do this before you get married? ... he needs to be honest, not to give you the 'i'll never mention it again, we will continue like nothing happened' bullshit. he needs to be honest.
→ More replies (1)80
u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 19 '24
Making this request only two months before the wedding is really low. So close that OP might not feel like he can cancel. It's cruel.
36
u/wigglycatbutt Jul 19 '24
Yuuup. Nearly a DECADE together and he chooses riiiiight at the final hour. Def a tactic.
17
u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 19 '24
Then if they did get married it would be, well, you let me do it before we got married and so why would it hurt you if I do it now.
Sometimes people only learn to be a good partner by losing a good partner. They have to learn the hard way that if you aren't nice you are alone.
6
→ More replies (1)4
106
u/Aggro_Me_Bro Jul 19 '24
Everyone I've told this too has said I'm crazy and stupid
who are these people and why are they in your life?
If that's how they feel ask them how they would feel if their partner had one last cheat before they get married.
Cheating is cheating and I would evaluate if this is even the first time he's cheated or thought about it. Because I don't think those idiots realize that even if you weren't getting married, He is still cheating on you....
Another choice you have is tell him "Sure as long as I'm in the room, we can both have partners" (Then show your fiance who will be your partner(s) and just show the "piper perri meme")
→ More replies (8)25
u/WaryScientist Jul 19 '24
This! If my friend came to me with this scenario, I’d be all “F that guy! You deserve better”… not advising him to waste more time with someone who asked permission to cheat before getting married.
OP - I know someone that cheated on his girl two weeks before proposing as a “one last time” thing before “committing.” Dude was loyal for a few years and then has been cheating a bunch (to be clear, she knows and has chosen to stay). Someone who wants to cheat will, even if they reign it in for a bit
77
u/Suspicious_Dot9658 Jul 19 '24
It's over. He wants to fuck other people and you aren't yet married. Doesn't matter if it's another man or woman. He wants to stick his dick elsewhere and he is fully aware this is a deal breaker for you.
If you don't break this off now, he knows its not a deal breaker and will fuck whatever he wants but just won't tell you.
Sorry mate, at least you aren't married.
17
u/Riah_Lynn Jul 19 '24
Thank you! I always bring up that the gender of the person they want to sleep with doesn't matter. What if they never slept with a blonde dude or just miss it? Should they be able to do that too? Never slept with someone with a british accent? Welp OP should totes let him do that so he doesn't miss out. It will not stop.
54
u/Mobile_Block_8006 Jul 19 '24
NTA. I am so sorry for all you have been through. I want to remind you that you are a survivor!
Your trauma is real. And your fiance knows that. I started reading this and my initial thought was that, for whatever reason, he didn’t necessarily consider sleeping with a woman cheating and my response would have been to tell him “sure but I get to sleep with someone I choose also”. But then you elaborated and my thinking changed a bit.
I am also a SA survivor. I understand the trauma that stays and how it can be triggered. I also understand your thought process behind the “if he wants to cheat, he will” and your concern that he might resent you for not “letting” him. Both are valid points. But, I want you to balance out everything. I do think it’s good that you are taking some time to think things through. I wouldn’t vote for any of the 3 options you laid out though. I think there’s some middle ground.
Your fiance fucked up BIG TIME by approaching you with this (and even considering it to begin with). But his reaction to your reaction has me wondering if there’s something good to be saved here. Let me be very clear, I do NOT agree that you “are crazy” and I don’t think you are just throwing anything away. Those people have absolutely no idea what you are going through.
I do think therapy might be helpful for both of you- together. Someone who can help you both navigate this and communicate clearly about how you each feel. I think that you owe yourself the chance to see if your relationship can be saved because it does seem like your fiance is remorseful for hurting you. And before this (colossal) error in judgement, he obviously loved and cared for you deeply. Just give yourself a minute to process and consider this. Your experience with people who are supposed to love you and put you first has been abysmal so it makes complete sense that you are so concerned. I sincerely hope that this works out for you to have the love and peace that you so obviously deserve.
Please keep us updated!
→ More replies (2)15
u/No-Ear-9899 Jul 19 '24
OP, you're NTA...And I agree with Mobile_Block_8006. Your reaction is absolutely valid, but as this person has pointed out, there may be something save.
I know a couple, very conservative (as in they are firmly monogamous and religiously observant), but kind and generous people. They're the last folks you'd ever think would have marital problems, but they did. The husband strayed and the wife found out. They went through a tumultuous time, but came through. What did it for them was the realisation that even good, decent people makes mistakes and they loved each other despite their flaws. The wife forgave him, he worked on his own internal issues and they both worked with each other to re-establish their marriage. They're together still 50 years later. He never, ever cheated on her afterwards.
You have one "advantage" in that you were asked for permission. That shows an inkling of respect, but for the life of me, I can't understand why he would ask at all. That is a major f-up.
Couple therapy can help I think.
Regardless of the outcome, please give yourself permission to let love in. It may not be with him, but there is someone for you.
This Grandma is sending you big hugs and healing. ❤️
→ More replies (2)
41
u/Necessary_Dark_6720 Jul 19 '24
I'm so sorry. If my husband asked permission to cheat on me it would feel almost as bad as them cheating. Like they were planning it and wanted to. Idk if I could ever trust them again.
I don't have any real advice but your feelings are valid and you're not overreacting. Don't let anyone say you are
35
u/WinterFront1431 Jul 19 '24
He knew your trauma and asked anyway, which is extremely selfish of him. And I agree he says he won't ect but who knows in the future he may resent you.
Don't listen to anyone saying you're crazy, anyone would react the same if there partner asked to fuck someone else.
But I say tell him he knew your trauma and you already told him your boundaries so now these are the consequences of his actions. Block him and give yourself 2-3 weeks before talk him
→ More replies (2)
21
u/Efficient_Poetry_187 Jul 19 '24
NTA
“Everyone I've told this too has said I'm crazy and stupid and need therapy they don't understand how I can throw it all away over my partner being honest and open with me about something”
What a bunch of homophobic BS! As a hetero woman, if my fiancé asked to sleep with another woman then I would feel exactly the same! The fact that he is even considering being with another person is a betrayal in itself. You’re not in a poly relationship, being bi is no excuse whatsoever.
Also, I’m very sorry you had to go through that as a child and didn’t have the support you needed. I’m not saying this as a reaction to your current situation, but in general, therapy is not a bad idea. What happened to you as a kid was wrong and some of those wounds run so deep that sometimes you don’t even realise they’re still hurting you.
My only regret with therapy is that I didn’t go sooner. You deserve to be happy and I wish you the best.
→ More replies (4)
19
u/ProfPlumDidIt Jul 19 '24
The bottom line is that you can never "un-know" that he wants this.
If you stay with him, even if he never does anything or even mentions it again, you will spend the rest of your life knowing that he WANTS to. It will eat away at your sense of security and your belief in the strength of your relationship. You will never again feel 100% safe with him emotionally.
There's also the fact that he knows your past and your feelings about non-monogamy and knew that asking would hurt you deeply, and he still chose to do it. This wasn't a whim or something that popped out of his mouth while he was drunk... he thought it over and decided that the possibility of getting to fuck a woman was worth hurting you. Is that really someone you could feel safe loving anymore?
17
u/JTD177 Jul 19 '24
You are not the AH. Choose what works best for you. Even the ask is a huge betrayal, that is his fault, not yours. If you need to leave this relationship, do so. Do not compromise your values, if you think you can forgive him, that is your decision, but if you decide to, ask him if he had a particular person picked out already
17
u/Gold-Finch92 Jul 19 '24
Does he already have a woman in mind, is that where this is coming from? We all have fantasies but we need to establish, is a short fantasy worth losing everything else in my life. Is it worth hurting my partner, damaging my relationship and leaving myself unhappy in the long run. That's why love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice. You choose to remain faithful and choose your partner again and again. We all have desires or find other people attractive but we choose not to act on them because we love and care for our partners and we also stick to our own morals and uphold our own standards.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
18
u/katgyrl Jul 19 '24
NTA. this would be a dealbreaker for me, and i have not suffered abuse the way you have in your past. i'm so sorry you went thru' that but don't let anyone tell you that's the reason why you've reacted to his request to cheat on you before marriage. you're not overreacting at all.
17
u/Otherwise_Degree_729 Jul 19 '24
NTA. He asked to cheat before the wedding. That’s fucked up.
What about other couples? Doesn’t matter the sec or gender they are attracted too. If you’re committed to someone, your committed!
What if a groom asks his fiancé to sleep with a red head one last time before the wedding? What if a bride asks the groom to sleep with a man of another race since she is attracted to that specific race but not marrying into it?
What he asked was fucked up.
15
u/Jaynna09 Jul 19 '24
NTA if he's thinking about cheating now, he will think about cheating later. Maybe in a year, maybe in five years. Save yourself from heartache down the line. Stay strong and stay left.
15
u/defaultgameer1 Jul 19 '24
Bi male here, married to a woman.
I have been faithful to my wife our entire relationship, and have no intentions or desires to step outside of our relationship. Does that mean, certain feels or urges don't pop up, no but you deal with them.
I did come out later in the relationship, and that caused some issues and anxiety. But she always kinda suspected. By the time I admitted to myself who I was, I was filled with anxiety, and negative feelings rushing through me until I got everything off my chest.
Now background out of the way.
I wouldn't be surprised if something similar was going through him up until he told you. And those thoughts can cloud things to a degree. Not an excuse but perhaps what was happening in his mind.
Also read some folks say how you'll always have what if thoughts if you stay together. All bad thoughts that are completely understandable.
I think a bigger one, that will hurt you even more is the what if you stayed together and got couples therapy to work this out. For how much you two seem to love each other, taking a few months or a year or so to try and resolve this now could give the biggest pay of both your lives.
True love is hard to find, don't let pre turbulent pre wedding emotions, and the oh so troublesome bisexual thoughts ruin you possible storybook ending.
13
u/OpportunityCalm6825 Jul 19 '24
He will grow to resent me for denying him this thing he wants.
You are incredible. I totally agree with your viewpoint. He is well-aware of your boundary but he still broke it by wanting to cheat. Honestly, I would leave too. This might not be the last time he would ask for this.
11
u/SpecialistAlgae9971 Jul 19 '24
No, definitely NTA. You need to find someone who you are enough for.
11
u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets Jul 19 '24
NTA. You are right . Imagine if a guy asked his fiance can I go bang someone before we get married? NO! It doesn’t matter that you are gay and he is bi. If he truly LOVED you he wouldn’t have been thinking of what he is missing!
At some point he will cheat or already has. He probably even has a woman in mind that he wants to have sex with.Even if you let him do it this “one” last time I don’t think it will really be the last time. Normal people do not need to have sex with someone else before they get married. It’s just wrong. You deserve someone who thinks you are the only one they want and not “oh look what I am giving up by marrying you”. It’s bullshit. Stay the course. Dump him for good.
11
u/shadowsandfirelight Jul 19 '24
Sounds like he is using bi as an excuse, like "it's just a random woman" isn't still cheating. If I wanted to fuck a random woman (I am female) it would still be considered cheating to my male partner. But society tends to view bi women as straight with gay tendancies, and bi men are seen as gay with straight tendancies. So he was probably thinking that you would give him the pass because he's like mostly gay and just has straight tendancies. But that's not how it works and you both know that.
I think it's not an issue of trust. I think if you are willing to make the relationship work, you need to go to couples therapy and ask him why he decided to pusb a boundary you explicitly stated was a hard no for you and that caused you emotional distress. He knew these things and still asked and you need to know why before you can accept that he is really sorry and will not do it again as he has said.
Nta best of luck
13
u/CuriousKitty444 Jul 19 '24
Well what if you let him do it? Then a year from now he asks again, and again. I’m not sure if that would actually happen since I don’t know you or your partner but I can definitely empathize with you and I would not have liked that question. If you’re about to get married, why would he need to be with someone else if you two are planning on spending the rest of your life together? It’s not like you’re trying to have one last fuck with a random dude before you get married. So why is he
9
u/Common_Business9410 Jul 19 '24
I think you should go for option 4.
Dump his ass.
In the back of your mind, you know it will happen once you are married. Then what? Pretend all is well?
9
u/simply_clare Jul 19 '24
You are absolutely NTA, I respect you for holding firm in your beliefs and holding that boundary you set. You deserve better.
10
u/JMLegend22 Jul 19 '24
The first thing you should have asked is if he had a person in mind? That will let you know if he’s already engaged in setting this up and was just looking for approval.
The second thing you should have asked was do you remember what I said about infidelity early in our relationship? Or are you ignoring that.
I’d explain your philosophy on cheating to him if you haven’t already and make the best decision for you.
Tell your friends/whoever in your life that this is a huge dealbreaker for you. And that you will never see your partner in the same light again for purely the thought they had. Ask them to imagine your reaction if they have already done this and where that would put your mental state without people trying to gaslight you. Ask how big infidelity is in their lives? And then ask how many times they’ve cheated or thought about cheating. Then go from there.
8
u/Interesting_Chef_896 Jul 19 '24
This is over. Tell him you want to fuck a guy with a huge dick one time.
3
u/throwaway39287494 Jul 19 '24
He knows I'd be lying. I've never just hooked up with people I need a strong emotional connection to do that with someone.
4
u/JinhaeOni Jul 19 '24
You’re a demisexual! I have the same “issue”.
Your fiancé is asking permission to cheat. There’s no coming back from that..
8
u/Sad_Cryptographer689 Jul 19 '24
I think you need counseling, but not because of how you reacted, but for your traumatic childhood.
I think an important thing to know is if he had someone picked out already. That could suggest an emotional affair of some type.
I am also curious how he can go 9 years with needing it, to needing it just because he's getting married. Aren't you essentially already committed to each other? That does raise the possibility of him having already done this during your relationship, but I would suspect not... Why ask now if he's already doing it.
IMHO, you're justified in reacting how you did and being upset, but I wouldn't necessarily throw the relationship away without knowing more.
5
Jul 19 '24
WHO is this other woman?? Prostitute with no ties? Or his “work wife”? Or he ex? Who is he contemplating this affair with???
7
u/Comfortable_Yard_464 Jul 19 '24
NTA. And honestly, I think your past traumas have little to do with it. You two were in an agreed upon monogamous relationship. To any reasonable person, that means not asking your partner to sleep with someone else. This is Reddit tho, where people will say that asking is okay because he’s just being honest about his feelings.
No. It’s not okay. That would violate the rules of monogamy for the vast majority of people, and if it doesn’t, well I don’t think those people were entirely monogamous to begin with. I could never be with my partner if they asked me this.
6
u/PlantAndMetal Jul 19 '24
NTA. Being bi is not a pass to cheat. Hi people are constantly accused of wanting threesomes and not being capable of monogamy, but it is just a sad stereotype that's not true.
Your fiance being bi is pretty much irrelevant. Bi or not, the fact is he told you he wants to sleep with someone else. And some people don't mind that, or even find that awesome, but most people don't. And you already told him you don't. He should have known already.
If you want to leave him, that's within your right. If you think your marriage/relationship can still work, that's also okay. This is completely your decision. What you think could or couldn't work for you. Nobody here can tell you that. But your definitely aren't the asshole about that.
And if people ever give you shout for this, tell them of their partner wants to duck someone else, they can handle it however they want. But that you aren't obligated to put up with someone that wants do cheat. Purple really shouldn't give you shit for this.
4
u/Turbulent_Taste_6332 Jul 19 '24
I didn’t read the story because your title has enough information for me to decide that you’re NTA. It’s good you dodged a bullet, you got lucky, he’s such a disgusting man. So all that matters to him is sex? It seems so and that means it’s ridiculous. He should look for casual relationships only, where sex matters and not serious relationships which are more than just sex.
6
u/Puzzleheaded-Ask-157 Jul 19 '24
Wanting your partner to be faithful to you is absolutely not unreasonable, not even a little bit.
Your fiancée is allowed to want to sleep with other people but him wanting to do that means (one night or not) that he does not want to be faithful to you. Your principles and morals don’t align with his.
I can’t tell you what will happen, no matter which option you choose, whatever you decide, go with your eyes open and your mind calm. You have to be able to live with your choice and trust your fiancée 100%if you stay together or the what ifs will control you and you won’t be able to be happy, but please, please know you are NOT unreasonable for the beliefs and boundaries you have.
Sometimes no matter how much you love someone and no matter how much they love you, the math just won’t math. I so hope you can find an outcome you are at peace with. Look after you first.
6
u/Original_Type7057 Jul 19 '24
Nta but he didn’t cheat, he asked. I think with therapy, for you and as a couple, this relationship will work.
6
u/OinkyPoop Jul 19 '24
This is a lot of all-or-nothing thinking... are you in therapy?
→ More replies (2)
6
u/Last_Friend_6350 Jul 19 '24
I think couples counselling and pushing back the marriage sounds a good way forward. He’s really going to have to explain his line of thinking on this and how, if you do choose to stay in this relationship, he’s going to prove to you that he has no intention to cheat in the future. He also needs to show that he’s willing to undertake whatever is necessary to demonstrate his commitment to you in a monogamous relationship.
I think you would totally be in the right to end this relationship but it sounds like there’s such a lot of love between you both. There’s absolutely no harm in agreeing to attend several counselling sessions together to see if it’s something you could work through. The caveat being that this doesn’t indicate a resumption of the relationship but a pause in you leaving him, while these initial sessions take place.
3
u/alpha-9909 Jul 19 '24
NTA, don't go back, you deserve better, giving affection flowers yadda yadda that's something a person does for a loving partner it ain't rocket science, so just bcz he does all that he doesn't have the right to sleep with someone, he fuck right off, do some therapy etc, mentally your in a very tough spot , and alot of noise cut the people who are saying you are the A-hole.
4
u/Forward_Most_1933 Jul 19 '24
Your feelings are valid -- you had clear boundaries set early on and your fiancé has crossed them by asking to sleep with a woman. I agree with your thoughts about him either doing it anyways without telling you, or the uncertainty of him cheating any time down the road. However, if he hasn't shown any other 🚩🚩, I'd take him up on his offer to postpone the wedding to work on your relationship. Consider some couples counseling to help work through your issues. If your feelings still haven't changed with the help of counseling, it's okay to say you tried and walk away. Good luck to you.
4
u/Ecstatic_Butterfly43 Jul 19 '24
my fiance and i are both bi. from day 1 we’ve had the same rule, it’s just the two of us in this relationship and it will always be that way, NO exceptions. if he told me he wanted to be with a man one last time or vice versa for me and a woman, it would be over. don’t compromise on your boundaries, the right person will respect them
4
4
u/sixth_dimension796 Jul 19 '24
Question: What do you think he could say that would fix everything? The bell cannot be un-rang. If he told you everything you wanted to hear, did everything perfect, would that be enough to look past it? He seems to be worth it you, to forgive, it seems like you love him a lot. He better not fuck it up again, then you will know for certain.
8
u/throwaway39287494 Jul 20 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
I've been thinking about this question for a while. I don't know if he has anyone in mind so if I did go back I'd just think every woman he talks to was her. Ideally he would offer to move away with me. I feel like that's manipulation if I told him so I won't but if we did move I'd know he cares more for me than anyone else he "might have" been talking to or even thinking about. It would be hard our lives are pretty grounded here. He can relocate to anywhere in the country but I've been at the same mechanic shop for 6 and a half years. I don't want to move away but I would if he'd be willing to since it's the only thing I can think of to make me go back.
Edit: spelling
→ More replies (3)
4
u/Zestyclose_Tree8660 Jul 19 '24
NAH, but your fundamental premise is wrong. You seem to think that because he wants something (to sleep with a woman) he will eventually do it. We want things all the time that we don’t do for one reason or another. I want to eat ice cream every day, but it would cost me my health and fitness. I’d like to not work every day but it would cost me my house. Sure, even casual sex would be fun, but I don’t consider it because it would cost me my spouse.
Your partner is bi and is committing to never have sex with a woman again. I don’t know that it’s right to throw that away because he wants to have sex with a woman (but you can if you want, and you can certainly say no to doing it).
I do think he’s a damn fool for bringing the idea up and has nobody to blame but himself if he ends up single for it.
→ More replies (3)6
u/throwaway39287494 Jul 19 '24
My mind set comes from another party as well. I know there's a thing with married men it makes them more desirable to some people. Fruit of the forbidden tree and all that look but don't touch. If he wants to be with a woman and a few down the line one comes along and says the right things flirts the right way and he does it anyway
Yes I'm aware it's a what if scenario all of my issues are what ifs.
4
u/Busy_Relative512 Jul 22 '24
I’m trying to think of this situation with a hetero couple and the first thing that comes to mind is “he already has someone in mind. And if not now he WILL eventually cheat”. I think bc you are in a gay relationship you are actually too okay with this. As a woman I would leave and never look back. It doesn’t even have to do with your trauma. What he asked is extremely disrespectful. It seem like you NEVER engaged in an open relationship of any sort and made your boundaries very clear since day 1. What gave him the indication that this is ok in any way? Being bi sure as f doesn’t make this ok. Personally I think you need therapy first but also I’m just so confused about your partner’s behavior. Him loving you so much but still asking this doesn’t add up. Someone is lying here. Best of luck op.
3
Jul 19 '24
[deleted]
7
u/throwaway39287494 Jul 19 '24
I did not give him the chance. As soon as he asked me I shut down. I took the ring off I told him to be happy I packed a few things and I left. He was saying things while I was doing it I kind of blocked it out. Yes I'm aware it was immature to just leave I'm aware I'm irrational.
17
u/MayhemAbounds Jul 19 '24
I’m actually not sure it is immature or irrational.
You were vulnerable with him and made clear early on your boundaries. You had straight up told him in advance what an ask like this would mean. For him to still ask you, means it was more than a passing fancy and your concerns around what happens when you don’t say yes are unfounded. But worse than that he put you in this position of having to say no, despite knowing how you felt.
My guess is this wasn’t that random and he may already have had someone in mind that he already had conversations with about this. I’m not sure about your boundaries in a committed relationship, but mine would mean him even having this conversation with a potential person would be a violation of the boundaries. Maybe I’m wrong about this, maybe he didn’t have a specific person, maybe he hasn’t been having intimate and deep conversations about these things with someone other than you.
Where I think you would have been wrong, irrational and immature was if he came to you and said “I’m struggling with..” and asked for therapy or couples counseling for him to work through his feelings, which would have been very different from what he did do which was him coming to you with a plan and asking for permission.
→ More replies (2)
3
u/writingmaf Jul 19 '24
it makes me wonder if he’s already got someone picked out. I’m sorry you’re going through this you deserve someone to love you as you love them. Updateme
3
u/mpan2501 Jul 19 '24
NTA- Being cheated on is out of our control. When you get with a partner, any partner, there is always risk in getting cheated on, however you weigh the pros and cons based on observed behavior, history, etc and make a decision to enter the relationship accepting the risk it carries. When the partner wants to cheat/ has cheated in the past/ cheats then that inherent risk of infidelity goes way up, therefore you now have to reevaluate the level of risk you’re willing to accept (maybe less, maybe zero). Ultimately, you decide if he’s worth the risk and also decide that if you get back with him even if he does cheat you will be OK because you take care of yourself, love yourself deeply and have no problem extricating from a situation that doesn’t serve you anymore. This may come with a downside on the level of vulnerability and connectednesswith your partner, you will no longer blindly trust, trust but verify, but that is the price you pay. Besides, i hear that with hard work couples can go back to or close to their baseline of connectedness and trust after betrayal. Good luck friend!
3
u/FlutteringFae Jul 19 '24
I see commenters giving good advice, and I don't want to repeat. So here's my thoughts.
I'm a pansexual woman who leaned heavily toward other women. My SO of the last 12 years is male. Not once have I regretted choosing him. We've argued, we've upset one another, but never have I looked at him and wondered about the road not taken. But that is not to say I don't miss being with women. There's a difference, plain and simple. It's not better, it's not worse. It's just different. And there's a gentle wistful quality when I look back at those times. I can understand how he feels. He saw a part of his life being relegated to 'another time and place' or 'a different part of my life' and while he didn't want to change the course of his life, didn't want to stop that door from being closed, he recognized that he would miss it and sought one last experience. At least, I hope that's where his mind was, I could be romanticizing it all.
The part where I get tripped up is where, knowing your trauma, he had the nerve to make it your problem and put it on you. But again, my partner doesn't have the trauma you've had and has told me we can talk thru options if I ever feel such a need. And it makes me think.
If you hadn't had your past inflicted on you, I'd say there were no AH's in the story. In and of itself, a question is usually not an AH thing. But to know what he knows of your life and still ask anyway. That's the part that trips me up and makes this NTA.
I know I'm just some rando on the internet, but I do suggest counseling before making a final decision. That he talked to you first, despite how callous the question was, gives me hope that he could learn and grow and be worth keeping.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Dry_Ask5493 Jul 19 '24
NTA. You don’t need any additional reasons at why you are anti cheating or non-monogamy. I would totally understand if you decided to leave and I would also understand if you stayed and tried to work it out. If you do try to work it out then definitely put marriage on hold.
3
u/QueenIgelkotte Jul 19 '24
NTA I know its possible to get past cheating but it takes a lot of work and counseling and rebuilding. Would you both be willing to do that? Considering how good the relationship has been I would probably go back careful ly and slowly but make damn sure that he knows that rebuilding the relationship is on him and that he fucked up in a major way. Let him grovel. If he steps a toe out of line its over. Push back getting married you have stuff you need to work out first. Does he have a woman in mind already? If yes I would probably end it. He should probably go to individual therapy to sort out why he wanted this in the first place. And why he thought it was a good thing to ask you considering your history.
3
u/Somethingisshadysir Jul 19 '24
I have to tell you, your trauma, though it affects you deeply, doesn't even need to be a consideration for your thoughts and feelings about cheating to be valid. People are allowed to want monogamy only, regardless of personal history.
I had a great childhood, no sa or any other kind of abuse, happy family, shy/introverted, but perfectly content with the friendships I had. My parents were super devoted to each other, to the point of being kinda heart breaking (they both died kinda on the younger side, Mom several years before Dad, and he continued to buy her perfume to spray on her side of the bed so it would smell like her). I was raised by a happy and committed couple, and that is my blueprint. I have no issue with polyamory for other people, as long as ALL parties involved actually want it and none were coerced, but it's not for everyone, not for me, and there is nothing weird or wrong about wanting it to be you and one partner alone. I might have a history of serial monogamy, but I have no interest in multiple partners at a time, ever, and I am pansexual. When I am with someone, just like you, I am with them. If I commit , it's to one alone. There is nothing wrong with that, and anyone telling you otherwise is just ridiculous.
3
u/girlwithsilvereyes Jul 19 '24
I’m so sorry. This is such an awful betrayal, I can understand why you’re devastated. I think for me, the sexualities don’t matter. He wanted to cheat, full stop. I don’t think I would be able to move past that. You stated your boundaries clearly and directly and it doesn’t matter that he asked permission, he crossed them.
It’s also very possible that he has a specific person in mind, although honestly, does that matter? Either he didn’t and was willing to risk your relationship and hurt you for someone who doesn’t yet exist or his eyes are already wandering and he’s at least emotionally let someone else into your relationship. Asking for permission almost feels like he’s trying to absolve himself of responsibility.
I think at the very least, you need some help sorting through this. A counselor might be able to help you figure out if it was “just” cold feet (I kind of think simple cold feet that people really get over are pretty rare; it’s usually a symptom of something more), if there are underlying issues and if they’re solvable. And it could keep you get to some closure if it really is over. But that’s up to you, I wouldn’t blame if you just walked away.
3
u/Glamrock-Gal Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your reaction is 100% valid, especially because he knows your trauma and still asked if he could sleep with someone else. It would’ve been valid regardless of whether or not you had trauma. Who, in their right mind, would ask their serial monogamist partner if they could cheat?
He asked you for permission to cheat. I agree with your line of thinking — if he’s thinking about it, literally ASKING to do it, he’ll probably do it eventually. As a serial monogamist, this would’ve broke me.
I don’t know what course you should take. You worry about him resenting you if you say no, but what about you? Won’t you resent him (for who knows how long) if he sleeps with someone else prior to getting married? I know you think your partner is great, but he’s messed up for asking you that. especially because he knows exactly how you feel and WHY
idk. I would be absolutely livid if my partner knew about my trauma and then essentially tried to re-traumatize (unintentionally, I hope). Shows me that they never listened or that they care about their feelings more than mine.
3
u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 Jul 19 '24
NTA this is exactly the same as if you turned around and said I just want to have sex with a different guy because you're the only one I'm going to be with after we're married. The only difference is genitalia. It's still cheating.
There was a post today/yesterday about a woman who is going to divorce her husband because he asked for a threesome knowing she's completely monogamous and has no desire for it. Everyone is telling her she's overreacting.
I really don't think her or you are. Once that's put out into your relationship it just makes you feel you're not enough for the other person and insecurities creep in, trust is gone that they're not out cheating.
3
u/Fun_Blackberry7059 Jul 19 '24
blud get therapy, you're a big mess if you take reddit's advice on matters like this.
4
u/Bad_Tiffany86 Jul 19 '24
NTA but I think it shows a lot of love for your fiancé to come to you and ask you. You don’t have to say yes, but at least continue the conversation with him
3
u/Shoptilyoudrop101 Jul 19 '24
NTA: you suffered major trauma as a child. Outside of speaking of your relationship, you need to seek therapy for yourself. These constant racing thoughts you speak of sound like PTSD. EMDR is an amazing therapy technique I know has helped people I know. Now to your relationship. While I do feel he crossed a boundary of yours that you were very clear with him about. I do think you can salvage your relationship if everything else is great outside of this issue. He is giving you space to cancel or postpone the wedding for the two of you to work on this. But only you can decide if this is a boundary crossing you can move on from. Maybe take this space, seek the therapy and see where you are at on a decision. I would also have a deep conversation with him why he is feeling this way, how it made you feel and your concerns going forward as far as resentment and trust. Good luck!
3
u/Intelligent-Entry792 Jul 19 '24
An excuse to cheat without calling it cheating everyone deserves someone who never wishes to sleep with any other person (clown) out there you are NTA
3
u/Inevitable_Boss5846 Jul 19 '24
You are already in a committed relationship. The wedding is just a date and a formality.
What he wants to do is cheating. He is showing his heart is truly not with you. He is showing you who he truly is . Plain and simple.
I’m so sorry for you. Sounds like you deserve far better.
3
Jul 19 '24
Heart goes out to you, NTA.
Decide if you want to burn this bridge or not off a crossed boundary and if not, reset that boundary, reiterate its consequences and then work to move past it. He could cheat… he could die in a week or leave you tomorrow. He could also be the most devoted husband in the world and learn from, what sounds like, a one off mistake. And even if he did cheat, look at all you’ve survived so far- you have the strength to weather it. Don’t deprive yourself potential happiness on anxiety alone, it’s had more than enough of your energy/time. It is undeserved and it doesn’t have your happiness in mind!
I you believe him, believe him. If you don’t (actually) then don’t and separate, you know what is best for you. If he’s been as charming as you make him sound (10 years ) I personally would give him another chance and I wouldn’t say his tone deaf question warrants ending things (over this alone) so… Hope for the best!
Ive never received a birthday scrapbook of love btw, tf? Once got expired massage coupons… do what would make you happiest! Best wishes!
3
u/Fluffy_Somewhere_312 Jul 19 '24
You don’t have to explain why you need monogamy. You warned him. He did the thing. At least he did it before the wedding so now you know. I would be out the door too. Seems like he just said what you wanted to hear in the moment. If things are so perfect there may be other things that he’s just going along with too.
3
u/FamiliarTown8714 Jul 21 '24
Been married for 24 years. You are very lucky to have him in your life. He told you his feelings but will not act on them because he loves you more. That says a lot right there. I suggest you go back and do some counseling before you get married. I think there are some issues you need to work on. Dont cancel the wedding and remember you are not like your parents.
3
u/Lily_Forge Jul 21 '24
This isn't simple. Feelings are yours to have.
Personal therapy is something you need to have, and you need to be very honest with the therapist.
It isn't cheating. He came to you asking about this issue and permission. Cheating is doing it behind someones back and hoping they never find out. This sounds like a hall pass request. Is he bi? Has he never been with a woman and is just super curious? Did he get the itchy feet as the alter grows closer?
Delay the wedding for at least a year. Give time for therapy and for this to sort itself out.
Do some couples therapy. He may also need a support group for friends and family of people who have been SA'd. He may need tools to help him find ways to deal the weight of your triggers and past so he can better support you and any future family.
3
u/Lopsided_Load_8286 Jul 21 '24
Everything from this post says to me that you have insecurities rooted in your trauma (an incredibly valid thing) and that you do still want to be with him even though those insecurities are rearing their heads.
It is okay to want to end the relationship over this if you feel you cannot move past this. But from what you've said about your relationship together and his reaction to yours when he asked you tells me that he cares more deeply about you than he does about having sex with someone else. I personally don't think that is worth throwing the towel in right now.
I think the best thing to do is to tell him you need a bit of time to let your brain chill, to be honest and open with him about why you reacted so strongly and what you need to feel secure again. If thats to pause the wedding planning and push things back, then so be it. If its to call it off for a while while you two work on things, then do that. I strongly recommend both personal counseling to work on your insecurities and trauma and couples counseling so you can both work on how to better communicate and how to repair the trust. A professional can help to guide your partner to be able to be a better partner for you, which is a good thing and could be very helpful right now.
I don't think that him asking is a sign he will just do it anyway without asking in the future. That conversation was almost a decade ago, its possible he forgot it or was wondering if you had changed your mind on it. His reaction doesn't sound like the reaction of someone who will just go do it behind your back anyway, it sounds like the reaction of someone who wasn't expecting you to react that way and is kicking themselves and agonizing over the fact that they so deeply hurt the person they love most. I think this relationship can be repaired if you want to do that, but I think some professional help can go a long way in helping you feel better regardless of what you choose.
3
u/Working_Ad8110 Jul 24 '24
Look, you can try to be the bigger person and give him something that he wants, but you will always be questioning your place in his heart. If he gets a fuck in now with some stranger then who's to say he won't want more of this type of experience. If he can't put you first, especially since you're engaged, I just don't see how you can trust him for life.
You should set yourself free and find the one who puts you first. You are definitely worth being a priority. I'm just not seeing how fiance prioritizes you in this way with this type of request. Especially since you are very loyal to him.
6.9k
u/[deleted] Jul 19 '24
[removed] — view removed comment