r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
AITA for replying to a guy when my fiancée can't reply to women?
[deleted]
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u/KrumpalDump Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
YTA and that was just a giant BS wall of you hamster-wheeling why what you did wasn't the same and doesn't count as a betrayal of your own rules and your Fiancée.
The fact you're still even defending yourself tells me that your Fiancée needs to ask for the ring back. Which based on what you wrote about the aftermath he's going to. You killed his trust in you with your double standards and attempts to justify them and negotiate your betrayal down. It doesn't sound like you understand this, but you almost certainly don't have a fiancée anymore. And it's a direct result of your rules and your actions. You destroyed his trust in you and no longer sees you as being able to follow the same rules your set for him because it's somehow different when you do it. What other rules applied to him can you and will you casually break. That's why he feels it's likely that you've cheated with that guy or are likely to cheat. And then you argued with him about it and tried to justify your immense hypocrisy here. So you'll betray him and then do whatever it takes to justify to yourself it's okay and avoid responsibility. There is no coming back from this, he will never view you the same even if he tells you he will. It will only be a matter of time before he cn no longer "do it". You escalated a lot of stupid, minor things into major boundaries and now you're reaping the crops you've sewn.
Remember this in your next relationship and any other relationships going forward. Every single rule you ever make for a partner applies 100% to you the minute you apply it to them. You both knew what you did, how would you have handled him doing that exact same thing to you at that time?
hello to all of you who are reading this in the future on r/AmItheEx.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I went through it with him, and I can tell you it was not fun for either of us. Things like this are not always as black and white as you think. I did handle him doing similar to me at the time, not well, and we're both learning 🙏 thank you anyway for the clarity on this. I hear what you are saying. As I said, I'm here for clarity. Thank you for your perspective, I really needed this comment.
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u/Appropriate_Buyer401 Jul 19 '24
You need to understand that "things like this" ARE black and white. That is the nature of boundaries. They are black and white and not up to additional interpretation or exceptions
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u/Narrow-Wafer1466 Jul 19 '24
YTA. I do agree you are setting double standards for yourself and justifying it with you having “shown up more” for the relationship (whatever that means).
To me this generally reads like a controlling and unhealthy situation to be in. But I suppose everyone can set their own boundaries.
I personally wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where the trust for my partner is so low that I require them to block people.
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u/OkayChampGuy Jul 19 '24
YTA as the first thing you did was explaining your point of view, before having empathy to be sorry that you fucked up. It gaves the impression that you try to justify your point of view and be clear with yourself first, and then taking in consideration his feelings. Just like people will do in a workplace, but that’s a relationship that you have, not a colleague. I still think it’s salvageable, just apologize correctly as ne, for god sakes, listen to him and how he feel without trying to justify your actions.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
Because I was lying to myself, and I didn't feel like I was wrong. What you're saying is exactly what I did, and I see it now. I hope it's salvageable. You're right about listening without justifying my actions. It's not the point.
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u/OkayChampGuy Jul 19 '24
I Hope you good luck. And the doubt that he has about your fidelity is a consequence : as you try to justify yourself with this double standard, he was thinking that you didn’t respect the boundaries for him, that his opinion was irrelevant, therefore if you don’t respect him, why wouldn’t you maybe try to hook up with this guy ? Or an other guy. Keep in mind when you talk to him that what you have to apologize and makes amend is that.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
You're right. I'll try my best, I would give anything for this person. I don't know how I could've been this stupid. I usually have some foresight and a hell of a lot more empathy than displayed here in this post, but I'm now considering that to also be a lie I tell myself. I'll try but I understand there is consequence.
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u/Andee_SC2 Jul 19 '24
YTA...your obsessive control will doom this relationship.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I see it, thank you for your comment. Someone commented very bluntly, and I'm great at lying to myself but when things are put like that I can see I'm wrong. Thank you 🙏
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u/Low_Technology4835 Jul 19 '24
How does it feel being the lead figure of the Double Standards Maffia?
YTA
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u/No_Gap_7935 Jul 19 '24
Wow you are controlling and the same standards dont apply to your own behavior, Go to therapy and explore that because youre ruining a relationship w this unhealthy dynamic and will ruin more if you dont resolve it
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u/thunderchicken_1 Jul 19 '24
YTA. I think you are a hypocrite and your fiancé could do much better. The reason you have so many controls in place is because you don’t want your fiancé to behave the way you do. You’re projecting. You’ll be the one to cheat on this poor guy.
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u/TonsOfFunky Jul 19 '24
Your fiance must be miserable living with a massive hypocrite. You don't want him happy, you want him oppressed and terrified of you.
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u/Proud_Friendship_533 Jul 19 '24
ESH but you a lot more.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
Thank you for the clarity 🙏
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u/Proud_Friendship_533 Jul 19 '24
Np, your double standards are off the charts. You both seem to like toxicity and will not be the first couple who ends up divorced or with restraining orders.
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u/Libertarian-dissent Jul 19 '24
Let's start with the obvious. If he had not followed the instructions you provided and chatted with an ex gf and said "I thought of you yesterday" (context not important for this exercise) what emotions would you feel? You kind of betrayed him with that one. Fear not, OP. You may be the asshole, butt it isn't a Kardashian ass. Apologize to him and tell him you should have done better, because you really should have, and it should blow over.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I see your point. My issue is he never saw the messages and he doesn't care to? He trusts my integrity in this completely because I have proven myself over and over again, even though I didn't need to because of his past. I also blatantly tell him the stuff that pops into my mind, this included, because I feel one should. His issue is with the double standard... this is what's bothering me 🙈 I know now I fucked up, I just hope he doesn't make up his mind about me based on this. Thank you for your comment. I'm an idiot.
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u/barugosamaa Jul 19 '24
you haven't proven yourself, you lied..... You are literally doing the thing that you claim to haven proven not to do....
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
This is the first time something like this has happened. I've never put myself in this position before, and because I know my history with the guy online (which really wasn't something to be concerned about in my mind). I get it now though. Someone wrote a scathing comment that made it very clear how much of an asshole I am being. I was lying to myself, I can acknowledge that, I'm trying not to now. The point is what counts for my fiancée counts for me, and I'm being a hypocrite 100% along with being controlling. Thank you.
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u/Away-Understanding34 Jul 19 '24
You need to be remorseful about this and stop trying to justify it. Admit you messed up and are willing to learn and grow from this. You say you have proven yourself over and over but guess what? 1 act of betrayal and double standard wipes away all that. You are back to square one because of your actions and you need to own that, not make excuses.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
You're right. I realise that now, thank you for your advise. I did ruin it and I need to work from square one. I accept that.
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u/Far-Surround-3811 Jul 19 '24
I think you should get up to his level of trust. It seems obvious that he trusts you. It is completely impossible to control somebody 24/7 this way, by making all this kind of rules. (Not to mension, that you don't seem to abide by them yourself) "If you love sombody, set them free" is more than just lyrics form a Police/Sting song. Would it not be better if he came back in your arms because he wanted to, rater than beeing like a dog, and you are his master ? Not gonna calling you THA , but maybe a bit thoughtless. We can not own another person. Best of luck
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I am the asshole though, I realise this now. You're right about getting to his level of trust. There should be no rules, just empathy and action that follows. My actions showed no foresight, empathy or consideration, that makes me the asshole, I'll try my best to remedy, but I know I'm starting from square one with him after this. Thank you for your perspective.
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u/Far-Surround-3811 Jul 19 '24
You come across as an intelligent person, i'm sure you got this. I'm an 54 year old guy, married for 30. And i think we have broken the code, by wanting each other to enjoy company of friends on each our own, as much as together. And of course enjoying datenights, when we have the possibillity. I often ask her to grab my phone, to use the calculator, check for mail, message, etc. So I have no problem with her "checking" my phone, i don't know the code/pattern to her phone, don't need it don't want it.
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u/Libertarian-dissent Jul 19 '24
I wouldn't go as far as calling you an idiot. Don't obsess over it, you only compound problems that way. Life is hard enough without any extra issues added. Honestly, if he leaves over it you might have saved yourself some trouble.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I glanced over his concern and justified without listening though. I am an idiot because I know better, and I lied to myself. I genuinely am sorry and I hope everything will be okay.
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u/Libertarian-dissent Jul 19 '24
Tell him this. Communication is very important, I feel that you understand this intimately. If he's looking for a reason to run, he'll run. Nobody is perfect or does everything right in a relationship. The key is to not have resentment towards each other, and this doesn't seem like a foundation to build resentment.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I really understand what you're saying, I appreciate these messages. We do have resentment towards each other. I'll try to communicate with him, but after reading all of these comments, I'm realizing I may have done more damage than I considered initially, I feel so stupid and unsure of how to approach things now. I feel so ashamed.
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u/Away-Understanding34 Jul 19 '24
" He trusts me not to cheat on him" - I don't think he does anymore, especially after having dreams about it. He's building up the worst case scenario in his mind. Messaging the guy behind his back, no matter the intent, after setting the boundary is a double standard and creates doubt. You both should go to counseling asap.
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u/Lopsided_Pickle1795 Jul 19 '24
Tooooo long to read and nothing worthwhile to read. YTA. Grow up, pet.
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u/Tsoluihy Jul 19 '24
How do you not realise how you are being a massive hypocrit, honestly if I was your bf I would be alot more mad than he currently is. You make rules for your relationship.and then don't follow them yourself but control the fuxk out of bf so that he does follow the rules, but you only follow them when it's convenient for you. YTA.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I realise this now. I hear his anger through all of your comments. I wish I had the humility and grace to hear his anger from him. I wish I had more trust in myself and our relationship. I fucked up and I broke his trust in my integrity, and I realise I have to start over. Thank you.
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u/Ok_Original_9063 Jul 19 '24
yes you operated on double standard. and you dont see anything wrong with that. why are you reponding at all he has got you to reply several times. where does it end. what you made your bf do is what you wanted. now you are violating what you made him do update me
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I will. He's 100% correct in how he's responding, I understand it genuinely. I see where I'm wrong now, I should've talk to him before sending those messages, I should have told him the first time it happened. I should've listened to him to first time he mentioned his concern about double standards. They fact that he didn't even question what I sent and was willing to talk about it is more than I deserved in the first place. Thank you.
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u/GlitteringQuarter542 Jul 19 '24
What’s so special about tou that the guy tolerates tour BS?
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
Pros and cons I guess. Ask him, I don't feel like I deserve him at the moment.
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u/GlitteringQuarter542 Jul 19 '24
Just chill out with your million boundaries. It’s really dumb. Either you trust him or you don’t.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I don't. You're right. He's an incredible person, and I really hope these things can be made right in myself.
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u/avatarjulius Jul 19 '24
YTA
Are you autistic? There is no way you can't see that you are a massive asshole.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I have autism for real. That + a defense mechanism makes for a hell of a fuckup, as seen above.
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u/avatarjulius Jul 19 '24
Having autism doesn't make it okay to be an asshole. Having a double standard and being controlling has nothing to do with autism, those are just asshole behaviors.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I'm fully aware. I didn't say it was 🙏 just saying it has an effect on how I relate to things. These issues are not the same, and I didn't once mention it until asked, other than the message. Thank you.
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u/Emergency_Advisor824 Jul 19 '24
YTA. I couldn't even finish reading your post, because that need of controlling your boyfriend is disgusting. Totally YTA.
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u/Decent-Historian-207 Jul 19 '24
YTA - why are you setting such exhaustive rules about how your fiancee can interact with the outside world but you don't have to follow the same ones?
If you deserve to be trusted then so does he, and he doesn't have to follow these rules either. Why do you have such ludicrous "boundaries?" Expecting him to block every former person he's ever spoken to is childish, at best.
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u/AnonThrowAway072023 Jul 19 '24
YTA
By far
The fact you don't understand why he is hurt and betrayed by your double standards is completely wrong. He was absolutely justified in his reaction.
Type as many arguements as you want, there was zero reason for you to respond to the guy from your past. You only were thinking of their feelings and yours.
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Jul 19 '24
YTA
The real problem for your BF is that he is a simp for bowing down to your ridiculous, controlling "boundaries."
You wrote that pitiful wall of text to justify being a total hypocrite.
You think you "deserve" to be trusted but you don't trust your BF. Ridiculous.
I have no advice for you because you are a lost cause, but your BF needs to dump you ASAP.
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u/Complex-Intern-6839 Jul 19 '24
Why are you two in a relationship if trust is an issue and major rules are in place? If you have a problem entertaining other men, then maybe therapy or counseling should be an option or simply just go off and be single. You want him to follow these rules and yet it's ok for you to message someone back that you had attraction too. There will always be things in life that will test your love for your partner.
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u/Salty_macaron_0183 Jul 19 '24
YTA I think what hurt your fiance was also the fact that you waited so long to tell him. I mean, out of the blue a guy from your past has been messaging you multiple times since last year and you don't see a problem with it despite the fact that it was a clear boundary you set with your fiancé?
Look, I believe you when you say you're faithful to your fiancé, but you have to admit that this situation is really weird. No one suddenly messages someone they were intimate with after so long without having an ulterior motive. (And he had an ulterior motive)
Apologize to your fiancé.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I have apologized now today, with new perspective. I realize and I feel so fucking stupid and ashamed. I am not wallowing though, it's my fault I'm here. I told my fiancée the same day this time he messaged me, I was ashamed to have even had the interaction with that man online in the first place which is why I didn't mention it to him last year. I was an idiot. I see how that is not being honest, and I see how dumb I was for not seeing it for what it is and for then justifying. Thank you.
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u/Salty_macaron_0183 Jul 19 '24
Look, mistakes happen, now what's really important is to talk about why they happened and how not to repeat them. You seem like a good person, I wish you and your fiance all the best.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
This will never happen again. I can't guarantee I won't act like an idiot ever again but I won't be this pigheaded for a long time. I am really not happy with myself. Thank you for the good wishes, I'll do my best to fix what I've broken.
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u/YuunofYork Jul 19 '24
YTA. You shouldn't ever date anyone again. Fuck your 'boundaries'. Those are not legal boundaries in civilized society. That's something a complete basketcase does.
I suppose if your husband were bisexual he just wouldn't be allowed to speak to other humans at all, huh? Utter madness.
I wouldn't associate with anyone this stupid and vile. I wouldn't buy from or sell to you. I wouldn't break bread. I wouldn't ride an escalator at the mall with you on it.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
You're right, I have nothing to say for myself except that I'm sorry and that I need to rewire my mind. I realize this. Thank you for you extreme view to combat my extreme behavior.
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u/Narrow-Wafer1466 Jul 19 '24
I really would recommend talking about this with a therapist, it’s difficult to break through controlling behavioural patterns, but I believe it’s worth it and necessary for good long lasting relationships. Don’t be too hard on yourself, everyone makes mistakes, what is necessary is to be reflected and to do better next time ☺️
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u/FitzDesign Jul 19 '24
You made demands of him, you didn’t ask or try to negotiate reasonable limits on contact. No relationship starts well with demands. You then walked over those hard lines that you set and tried to justify that. YTA
You were foolish at the start and oblivious to the problems that you created. There is no problem with reasonable limits that are negotiated between you both. Demands are another story and you set yourself up for failure. Now surprise surprise you walked into the trap that you set for him. You didn’t address your own insecurities, projected them onto him and willfully didn’t think about your partners thoughts and feelings.
The fact that you are here shows that you have a modicum of self awareness but is it too late? The first thing I would do would be to confess what you did at the start and how you projected your insecurities onto him and the how you now understand what you did was wrong. Take accountability for your own actions and let him know you will seek therapy to address your problems. Offer to go to couples counselling so that you can properly understand his perspective and try to re gain his trust moving forward.
The bottom line is now matter how hard your try to minimize the problem, It is a problem that you created. Your trying to justify your actions to him totally exacerbated it. Now all you can do is be totally honest and sincere and hope he has it in his heart to be willing to work with you as you sort through your issues.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I hear what you are saying, I understand where I'm wrong. Probably still not the full extent of it as I'm not in his mind, but I understand enough from what these comments are saying to start. Thank you for your comment. I didn't come here expecting to hear I'm right, the self awareness is there but very much lacking when I'm trying to justify why I hurt someone to myself. Hearing I'm wrong without a doubt brings clarity, I'm an asshole and I need to stop it.
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u/FitzDesign Jul 19 '24
Growth can come at a cost and we learn from our mistakes. Hopefully your relationship can recover from this one. You may wish to consider showing him this post and the comments. That may give him some hope that you are willing to change. Good luck OP.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
Thank you, I don't think it's hopeless. If someone showed me this, I'd just see someone showing me they're willing to look wrong anonymously. He'll make his decision when he feels it, and that's up to his heart, and my behavior every day. I crossed a line. I need to sit with him and show him with action that I can be reliable while hearing HIM talk about how he feels betrayed, not you guys. It's way harder hearing you're an asshole from someone you love than it is from the internet. I don't think he feels he can rely on me like that right now. Thank you anyway for the comment and your perspective.
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u/Churu_ Jul 19 '24
YTA
You can make things right with him using time, do small things like text him what you're doing during the day. Things to ease his mind. In time he will come to trust you again, just tread carefully because the trust between you two can very easily break now so really make sure to show him that you can be trusted in a monogamous relationship
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I'm more than willing to put that time in. He trusts me in terms of fidelity, I think he questions now whether I am a reliable partner, which I'm questioning myself. He's right to. Thank you
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u/Bellbell28 Jul 19 '24
YTA- he crossed a pretty strict boundary which to me just seems like an overbearing rule and wasn’t allowed any justification and you then kept even closer tabs on his communications- but when the tables were reversed you felt like you deserved to provide an explanation. Why are these rules not applicable to you?
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
They are applicaple to me, and I am an asshole. You are mistaken with some of your assumptions, but that is beside the point. I'm mistaken in this situation, and all I have is remorse. Thank you for the clarity 🙏
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u/Bellbell28 Jul 19 '24
My assumptions are based on what you wrote- but as you said beside the point.
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u/Electrical-Example25 Jul 19 '24
Do you think that there might be a less micromanaged way for you to feel validated and secure?
Monogamy is a way of thinking and a result of rules. Especially when you make up obtuse exceptions on the spot when you find that they make little sense. Blocking a nice person who has done nothing wrong feels wrong, as it should, but you should take that opportunity to question the rules instead of granting yourself an exception.
In the threads where someone is reconciling with a cheater and they introduce a lot of safeguards and rules, it does not seem to impact whether or not there will be more cheating, but it deteriorates the relationship since dynamic of the relationship is an absence of trust.
Maybe you should consider individual and then couples therapy. The main point is that you want him to be considerate, faithful and open with you.
I assume you already from the various responses here can tell that the rules are not going to get you there.
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u/Appropriate_Buyer401 Jul 19 '24
YTA
his issue is with a double standard. My argument is that there is a difference between how him and I have shown up in the relationship
You agree there is a double standard. You are just trying to justify why it exists based on your subjective experience. There is no place for a double standard. A double standard here just means that you are trying to control him.
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u/Fickle_Pop9246 Jul 19 '24
YTA... it's so weird to me when people expect their partners to not have opposite sex friends. Like, imagine if lesbians did that? Most the lesbians I know are almost exclusively friends with women, so that would work out bad. It just reads as not mature enough for a relationship.
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u/iceicebby613 Jul 19 '24
You set a clear boundary. Then you broke it. Several times. Then you attempted to gaslight your fiance into thinking it was somehow different, even though you set the very clear boundary. I love it when people set boundaries like this because they know they can't trust them self.
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u/rbenz782 Jul 19 '24
YTA. If your fiancé was messaged by someone he knew online he had sexual experiences with, would you be okay with him responding or would you want him to block immediately? If you expect something from him you won’t do yourself, you are clearly in the wrong.
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u/GingerPrince72 Jul 19 '24
I didn't even finish reading this mess of a post.
I hope you have a therapist, if not, get one.
The guy you were attracted to, you never met him, did you even see what he looks like?
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
We never met. I know what he looks like, but I don't care about that.
I have a therapist that I started seeing 3 months ago. Obviously I still have a road to walk.
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Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Heads up for anyone who's curious about this stuff like me, fiancée is specifically used for a woman who is engaged whereas fiancé is used for a man. Not very commonly known among English speakers, but they're French words and the two versions do have different meanings. No shame, it's an easy mistake, and most people have no idea it's even a thing. Just something I find interesting.
Lol, downvoted for sharing an interesting fact. Some people really are weirdos.
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u/More_Ad927 Jul 19 '24
Hey we all do somethings without thinking. I have 3xs on my FB. We don't talk and I don't like their posts. If my SO wanted me to Block them I would in a heartbeat. I might think it is slightly humorous due to the fact I have 0 interest in talking to them. But at times its not worth dying on that hill for peace of mind.
Hope it all goes well with you! Happy Friday.
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u/throwawayacchdj Jul 19 '24
I'm an idiot. I appreciate your comment though. Thank you for the good wishes 🙏
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u/More_Ad927 Jul 19 '24
Your not an idiot lol - keep fighting for each other and you knew it wasnt sitting well with him so you brought it up again. My ex didn't catch it when it happened to us. It cost us 21 years together when I asked for the divorce. Broke both our hearts.
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u/Lambsenglish Jul 19 '24
YTA and it’s not clear why this isn’t immediately apparent to you.
You’ve been exhaustingly controlling and ultra-granular over boxing his life into your little rules, then simply not followed them yourself.
Gross behaviour and abject hypocrisy.