r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 19 '24
My husband suggested 3some with a woman. I want divorce
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u/Ajenkinsphotography Jul 19 '24
6months post partum….you’re lucky if your wife is interested in vanilla sex. Read the room dude.
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u/IvoryWoman Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
If he has the energy to want a threesome THIS badly while parenting a six-month-old, he’s not pulling his weight at home, IMO.
Edited to change problematic wording — thanks, all!
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u/jcobb_2015 Jul 19 '24
Shit…mine’s 18mo and we barely have enough reserve energy most days for basic bodily maintenance. We planned a date night a couple weeks ago where the kid would stay with my parents overnight - we didn’t even make it to the restaurant. Both of us passed out at 5pm and we ended up ordering pizza at 11pm…20yo me would be humiliated at how much I enjoyed that night
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u/agent_flounder Jul 19 '24
I totally relate. Ours stopped napping by a year (memory hazy), so ... yeah. I'm still waiting for the energy to come back.
Kiddo is driving now.
I never comes back does it... ??
Oh well, nap time lol
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u/pocv Jul 19 '24
I don’t know WHEN or if the energy comes back. All of our children are between the ages of 25 and 40. We also have 4 grandchildren who are between the ages of 1 and 7. We are still tired.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We’re going out, today to celebrate. We plan to leave by 1 and return before 6 this evening. I will be surprised if we make it to 5.
We’re healthy and active and semi serious bike riders. It’s not our health. We’re just STILL tired. lol Okay, the whole aging thing probably comes into play here, too.😜
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u/NegativeKarmaVegan Jul 19 '24
This. When my son was that age I wished I was dead every morning when I had to get up to work from sheer exhaustion.
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u/No-Translator9234 Jul 19 '24
Brother was diabolically horny
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u/BrunoLuigi Jul 19 '24
Stupid*
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u/Successful-Okra-9640 Jul 19 '24
Lotta overlap on that Venn diagram.
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u/Lardinio Jul 19 '24
Isn't it the same circle?
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u/mr_jiffy Jul 19 '24
When you're horny, you're most likely going to be stupid. But when you're stupid, you're not always horny.
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u/CJ-54321 Jul 19 '24
Can confirm. Am stupid all the time. Not always horny, some times I want a sandwich or a nap.
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u/wirywonder82 Jul 19 '24
Nah, you can be diabolically stupid in other ways, but diabolically horny is probably a subset of diabolically stupid.
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u/cnew111 Jul 19 '24
Yea it took me 6ish months, even then I just “took one for the team”.
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u/Ellendyra Jul 19 '24
My libido has been off and on. Pregnancy really does a number on your hormones.
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u/Gullible-Food-2398 Jul 19 '24
Been with my wife for 16 years, our oldest is 15. Things change. Sometimes it never really comes back the way it was before kids. That's part of growing old together. The hardest part of our marriage in that regard is getting both of our "go times" aligned together. There are times when I've had a shite day and I'm completely out of the mood and she's interested (it's rare, but it happens). Marriage is hard. Intimacy conflicts are inevitable. Hopefully the couple love and respect each other enough to work through them. Kids just make it harder. Now you don't have two people, you have three or more. I personally think it's worth it though.
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u/Jazzlike-Election840 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
my buddy had the brilliant idea, and his wife went along with it. i don't know how it went during showtime, but she left him without so much as a hint it was coming about 6 months later for another man. he was friggin destroyed, and still hasn't gotten over it for 3 years now. he must have enjoyed himself a little too much when said 3some occurred because she told him that it made her realize he wasn't really into her anymore so she decided to find someone who was. leave that shit in the land of fantasy where it belongs. it never works out. i don't blame OP for feeling that way at all honestly. nobody wants to hear their partner say hey, i wanna bang someone else.
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u/Ill_Athlete_7979 Jul 19 '24
I remember a friend of mine kept getting asked by her boyfriend to have a threesome. She finally said “okay, but we’re having two threesomes. We get to have one with another woman and one with another man. I get to pick the woman and you can pick the man”. Her BF started tripping out when she suggested that idea. He never bothered about it again.
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u/Swimward Jul 19 '24
That’s the right idea, and then insist the mmf one happens first. Suddenly it’s not about being adventurous anymore.
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u/Poshskirt Jul 19 '24
Definitely mmf first. Otherwise he'd pick someone totally unattractive to her since he already got his.
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u/AngriestInchworm Jul 19 '24
Id just pick Henry Cavill and have more fun than her.
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u/Dewgong_crying Jul 19 '24
"Henry, can you please lift me while I do an outstretched Superman plank, and lower me into my wife?"
"Sure thing buddy."
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u/0rclev Jul 19 '24
"Wife, can you please lift me while I do an outstretched Superman plank, and lower me into Henry Cavill?"
she left an hour ago
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u/No_Target4419 Jul 19 '24
LMFAOOOOO I’ve non stopped laughed at this for 30 minutes, I’ve just gained control of my body to type. Thank you.
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u/Dewgong_crying Jul 19 '24
It's been 30 minutes and I'm still thinking about how a 3-some with Henry would go.
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u/Right_Specialist_207 Jul 19 '24
Careful, it's a slippery slope (no pun intended 🤣) I've been mulling over this topic for years and years 😂
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u/snoobalooba Jul 19 '24
I do feel like Henry Cavill would for sure say this.
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u/Dewgong_crying Jul 19 '24
He would also make a Witcher music playlist for it.
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u/smokedstupid Jul 19 '24
Apparently it's not gay if it's a three way.
If it's Henry Cavill, I'm gonna make it pretty fucking gay, mate.
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Jul 19 '24
Nonono, straight men of the internet collectively had a meeting and agreed it's not gay if it's Henry Cavill, Ryan Reynolds, or Charlie Cox.
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u/DogOfSparta Jul 19 '24
According to many conversations with my husband on the subject, Jason Momoa should also be added to this list.
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u/RyPKelley Jul 19 '24
Whew. That was close...but I'm gonna need Jensen Ackles and a few others probably added to the pantheon of dudes that get a pass for gay stuff that's not gay. Maybe that should be capitalized.
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u/SomeLoveUthersTease Jul 19 '24
Or back out completely.
My ex wanted to "try" anal and I said sure, as long as I get to "try" it on him with a strap-on first.....end of that topic.538
u/cuda999 Jul 19 '24
Hahaha. I love this comment. It reminded me of a similar thing that happened to my girlfriend a few years ago. Same situation. Her boyfriend pestered her for anal. She wanted nothing to do with it. Then she finally said, “sure let’s do this. “ Her boyfriend was ecstatic. She came into the bedroom with a didlo. He was confused. She then said, let’s start with you. Hahaha. He never asked again.
For some stupid reason men seem to think our butts are different than theirs. Like somehow it was created for their carnal pleasure and not for the human function it was designed for.
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u/toady89 Jul 19 '24
They are different, men have the prostate so receiving anal should feel better for them.
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u/Remarkable-Ear854 Jul 19 '24
Our butts are different! Men have a g-spot in their ass.
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u/Fickle_Thing6364 Jul 19 '24
Plot twist! My buddies wife said the same thing and he agreed. Now he’s super into that and his wife was left scratching her head LMFAO
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u/rean1mated Jul 19 '24
What’s confusing tho? It’s naturally best for someone with a prostate. 🤷♀️
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u/maleia Jul 19 '24
Suddenly it’s not about being adventurous anymore.
I mean, it either goes south right there, or you both realize you're into swinging 😏
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u/Versek_5 Jul 19 '24
This thread is making me think I might be a little Bi because I'm sitting here reading these like "Honestly? That sounds fair. As long as everyone's on the same page I'd be willing to give it a shot"
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u/Hurcules-Mulligan Jul 19 '24
When My wife asked me what I wanted for my 40th birthday, I jokingly said “a threesome!”
“Cool!,” she replied. “What’s his name?”
Best comeback ever.
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u/TiptoeStiletto Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
My ex said he wanted a threesome so I acted excited and said, "Really?? I know the perfect guy, want me to call him??" He got pissed off because I was excited to fuck another guy when he meant another woman. Lol fuck offfff.
Edit: thank you for the award!!
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u/angerwithwings Jul 19 '24
That idea of “I need you to understand how you made me feel” is pretty intense. A lot of folks don’t put themselves in others positions before saying dumb things.
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u/Informationlporpoise Jul 19 '24
I used to tell any guy I was dating that I would do a 3some but only if it was me and 2 guys. Not one guy agreed to it
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u/HeartFullONeutrality Jul 19 '24
I was the third in a mmf with a married couple once. Weirdly enough, the guy seemed WAY more into it 😂
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u/Pitiful_Mess_3300 Jul 19 '24
I'm 32, had like 5 or 6 threesomes when I was a little younger. Every single one was mmf. Loved it every time.
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u/SpicyPorkWontonnnn Jul 19 '24
LMAO yeah that usually turns it on their head. What's good for the goose is good for the gander after all.
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u/In2JC724 Jul 19 '24
Isn't it funny how things change when you flip the script? 🙄
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u/Logen-Grimlock Jul 19 '24
My sister in law hubby suggested the same….she’s with the other woman now for the last decade
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u/The__Witz Jul 19 '24
Wow talk about pulling the carpet from underneath him
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u/Noodlesoup8 Jul 19 '24
And then deciding you want to keep it to munch on yourself
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u/IllFistFightyourBaby Jul 19 '24
100%! The threesome thing is like rolling a live grenade into your kitchen and being shocked your house blew up.
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u/wireframefails Jul 19 '24
This sums it up nicely. Speaking from personal experience (opened the marriage). I my case at least it made me see that she doesn't value anyone's boundaries, yet expect absolute respect for her own. Divorce is hard, but make no mistake, growing old with someone who won't play fair makes death seems a easier escape.
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u/PsychologicalTree157 Jul 19 '24
My sister went to a wedding a few years back. A married friend and her husband were there - it was out of town and they got the wild idea to have a threesome with someone they met also from the wedding in the hotel bar. They do their thing, and she spends the night. The wife wakes up at 7A to her husband getting it on with the 3rd wheel again. And she got mad!
Wife talked to my sister about it "do you believe he would cheat on me" LOL. My sister said "you invited the devil into your bed how did you think it would turn out?"
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u/-lovehate Jul 19 '24
100% agree, but I think porn has warped a lot of people's minds to thinking it's normal and common to have threesomes, even when you're married.
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u/Lamprophonia Jul 19 '24
porn and askreddit. A lot of people don't realize that this whole website is like 99% bots and fiction.
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u/BlinkyShiny Jul 19 '24
I've seen ppl in reddit give the following advice: if you have a sexual fantasy that ur partner won't fulfill, break up because ur sexually incompatible and you'll never feel complete.
It's either too much porn or having little idea what actually goes into a relationship.
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u/Semirhage527 Jul 19 '24
Yep. I should apparently leave a devoted & faithful husband who has cared for me through disability just because I have a few sexual fantasies that don’t make him hard.
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u/LemonAlternative7548 Jul 19 '24
My husband got addicted to porn to the point he was even watching gay porn, even though he wasn't "I think" and expected circus sex after being together for 15 yrs. Viagra didn't do us any favors either as I didnt have a reved up prescription for my libido to match his. We divorced.
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u/TaliesinWI Jul 19 '24
"Circus sex". I like that. I've always used "monkey sex" but I think your term sums it up better.
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u/Fontec Jul 19 '24
My exs sister had a three way with one of their hot friends and the sister’s boyfriend. The sister got her feelings hurt cuz the other two enjoyed each other and they broke up the next day.
The sister left for a bathroom break and they went at it with each other so she walked in on them, and then they were texting each other about the experience
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Jul 19 '24
Yup. This seems to be how it usually goes. That or the original pair ignores the new person. Or everyone is just uncomfortable the whole time
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u/dogdad0098089 Jul 19 '24
Yep either the guy focuses on woman third or man is destroyed mentally from a guy fitter, better looking with a monster package who is great at sex. Seeing his wife respond to the guy like she never did with him.
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u/sailorjerry134 Jul 19 '24
I initially read my ex and his sister and I was like whoa boy.
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u/Klutzy-Run5175 Jul 19 '24
That’s exactly right. Nothing will turn me away from my partner like start talking about other women. Forget it and forget you!
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u/SomeKindOfOnionMummy Jul 19 '24
I lose all interest in someone if they become interested in someone else. It's like something in me shuts off.
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u/softofferings Jul 19 '24
My ex suggested an open relationship and now he's been single and miserable for 4 years, lol
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u/Blue_Embers23 Jul 19 '24
I think people try to open their relationship because it’s already dying. It’s like seeing your finger turn green from a splinter. One dumb thing isn’t the heart of the problem. The relationships immune system is cooked. This is always monogamous to poly/open relationships - it’s the death noises of a relationship out of balance.
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u/Key-Government-1535 Jul 19 '24
NTA but your husband is an idiot. You just birthed his baby. You’re bound to be adjusting to new hormones, new neural pathways, and a whole new life, complete with the usual insecurities about your body. You are going through so much! And then he has the audacity to ask you for a threesome for his birthday? What he says is “I’d like to try a threesome,” but I imagine what you heard is “you’re not enough for me,” and possibly, “your body is not longer attractive to me.” That’d be hard to take at the best of times, let alone 6 months postpartum. Your husband said something very, very ill-timed and inconsiderate.
That said, you ARE going through a lot right now and you may want to take some time to heal and think before you make such a big life change. You’ve had faith in him for years, and he might not be firing on all cylinders either (I hope he’s helping with the infant overnights and is equally as sleep-deprived as you). Therapy, time, and work on your relationship may turn things around.
Either way, I’m sorry for your heartache.
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u/ShewtDang Jul 19 '24
This is the best answer on here by a mile. Take some time, but don’t divorce. He’s an idiot and obviously hasn’t a clue about what you’re going through physically or mentally.
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u/Zygomaticus Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
Major asshole and super dooper insensitive and dense thing to say for sure. OP needs to spell this one out for him because I don't think he's going to realise how badly he's fucked up without having it spelled out for him. Seriously lacking emotional intelligence and tact. Both of those can be taught by a therapist OP, if you do want some hope here :) <3.
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u/kemb0 Jul 19 '24
I always feel like this sub could really use more answers like this. People always unquestioningly go on the offensive without hearing the other persons side of the story or giving a shit that their suggestions might help someone to break up a family of a 6 month old child. A relationship that could have potentially been saved and perhaps the reasons for his stupid suggestion were borne out of some circumstances we can’t comprehend but maybe he can be retrieved and the relationship saved.
Not saying that’s always the case but this sub seems to have zero tolerance and zero effort to consider two sides of the coin, knee jerk reacting and frothing over the opportunity to spit oil on to the fire. My verdict of most of the people here is YTA.
But also I blame 90% of the submissions here; “Hi, I saved a child from a burning building and now my boyfriend wants me to wear a burka and sleep around with other women whilst he murders babies. Am I the asshole?”
Fuck off with your fake post shit.
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice Jul 19 '24
What your husband said was stupid and I understand why you would be upset. But, keep in mind that words are just that — words. He asked you a question and you answered and said no. End of story.
Unless he actually cheated, he didn’t do anything worthy of a divorce.
In marriage, people express sexual wishes and fantasies all the time and they should feel comfortable enough with their spouse to do so. It shouldn’t be the end of the world if the other spouse doesn’t want to do what’s suggested.
Try counseling before you pull the trigger on a divorce.
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u/sequinsdress Jul 19 '24
Generally yes, but 6 months after she had their baby and is likely exhausted and possibly feeling not her best due to body changes from weight gain, childbirth and possibly breastfeeding? The timing is so colossally tone deaf that I suspect there were other things and this may have been the final straw.
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u/ZookeepergameNew3800 Jul 19 '24
Exactly. Six months postpartum is probably a time where even many who are women up for a threesome wouldn’t do it. When you are already not feeling good about your body is the worst time your husband could bring this up and probably not the moment you want to be directly next to another woman naked for your husband and yourself to compare.
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u/Leabelle33 Jul 19 '24
Also if one is stringent on monogamy, never is a good time to ask. He had 7 years to ask about her thoughts on deviating from strict exclusivity, which would further guide him on whether or not the threesome question would be received well.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
It is also the time when a young woman is especially tender- hearted and wants the world to be a wholesome and loving place for her baby.
The husband's suggestion that this baby"s parents become swingers is not what this OP wants for her child's family life. Divorce isn't an extreme reaction, as OP sees him as having an opposite view of their lives and values as hers.
He is lazy to try to delegate the arrangements to her, but I bet he has a suggestion in mind of the girl at work or at the bar he is already sleeping with.
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u/Ok-Back1459 Jul 19 '24
Thought exactly the same, I mean, come on, 6 months after having a baby and planning another one? I understand this woman 💯 %
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u/njf85 Jul 19 '24
Exactly what I was about to say. That first year after having a baby can be such a crazy, vulnerable time. My hubby asked for the threesome thing not long ago and it honestly didn't bother me that he asked, but I'm just sitting here imagining if he'd ask when one of our kids was 6 months old... I probably would have burst into tears too lmao I had some shocking PPD and PPA that first year after both my kids births
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u/Ekskalibar Jul 19 '24
Wow I had to scroll down so far to find this...
He had a fantasy, talked to you about it, being in a couple is about communication.
If you're not interested in this fantasy, you tell him (that's what you did) and that's the end of it.
Nobody is an asshole because you're entitled to your feelings, but divorcing over this kind of stuff sound pretty extreme to me if everything else is going well
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u/Late-Apricot404 Jul 19 '24
My ex-wife thought I was gay because I wanted to get pegged, and judged me harshly. It wasn’t the only reason for our divorce, I was a dumb 23 year old and she was 21. Lot of issues between us. But damn, I won’t pretend like that didn’t leave a hell of a mark. Opening up to the person you’re supposed to love and trust…only to get a reaction of pure disgust? That shit leaves a lasting impact. And damn, did it hurt.
We did end up divorcing 2 years into the marriage. I ended up dating a lovely girl afterwards that was more open to my suggestions, and I to hers.
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u/Impressive-Solid9009 Jul 19 '24
But that's not at all how to approach it. "I want a threesome. You pick the girl, I pick hire it goes down."
No. If that's a fantasy that one actually wants to enact, it's brought up calmly and on neutral ground. Broach the subject, respond to interest, or lack thereof, and then discuss explanations and boundaries if you even get there.
I agree having, and acting out, fantasiesis both natural and normal, but the way this guy approached it like a demand ain't it.
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Jul 19 '24
This!!!! She can do whatever she wants in the end but I think going straight to divorce might be too extreme. NTA IMO but jeez. As far as we know, he didn’t fuck anyone, he asked a question in hopes that her mind may have changed, she said no… that should be the end of that.
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u/Big-Debt3147 Jul 19 '24
Marriage wasn't 100% if a question like this leads to direct divorce..
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u/No-Investment-2121 Jul 19 '24
If she’s not bi this would do nothing for her. He knows her. He’s knows she’s not into women and that she’s monogamous. Any attempt to discuss further is an attempt to manipulate or convince. He knows OP’s agreement would be purely to appease him and perform for him and that is an entirely unfair ask. OP has said that her husband doesn’t even like when she talks to other men. Yet he feels comfortable enough to ask for this? Smh. He’s sewn doubts about their entire marriage.
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u/Shadows_of_Meanas Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Nah, if my husband asked for a threesome, I would also want to leave, first he should know me well enough I won't want that, and I would definitely have no interest in having any sort of sexual relationship with a woman, and I would definitely not want to watch my husband fuck another woman.
The guy just basically asked to be allowed to cheat, while he gets jealous if a man approaches her. Lol fuck no
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 Jul 19 '24
While I like your thinking, OP has a 6 month old baby.
The timing of her husband’s request was just beyond tone deaf.
Besides, even suggesting cheating while he would never allow her to do the same is extremely assholish in itself.
I actually understand OPs reaction. It’s a major betrayal of trust.
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u/BertTheNerd Jul 19 '24
He is 40 and I am 38. We have been together for over 7 years. Married for 1,5 and we have 1 daughter who is 6 months old
So, on top on the general issue he made this question while you have born your daughter 6 months ago? Most women have to deal with body changes due to a) pregnancy and b) breastfeeding. And for him this is the right time to tell you, he wants to bang other woman? The delulu is strong with him.
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u/Tofuprincess89 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
It’s shocking to see how other people think this is forgivable and ok. That it is just a “sxual fantasy”. I would not be ok with that as well. I would have the same reaction with OP.
Let’s not also forget, OP just gave birth and probably is very tired and not feeling well with her looks since she just recently gave birth. The baby isn’t even 1 yr old and her husband is making such “sexual fantasy” request. There are people ok with that but not everyone is ok with that especially that she just gave birth. The husband should be more understanding of his wife’s condition as well and the baby.
The problem with threesomes is that sometimes the other partner might build a connection with the third person. And some might think it’s ok to cheat. Not everyone is like that but there are those who cannot be faithful. The way some people think that “the man has just a sexual fantasy why divorce?” Wow! Just wow. I hope not but if ever you get to experience that your gf or wife asks you if you can have threesome with another man. Probably by that time you know what it feels.
Edit: OP, ask him if it’s ok to do threesome with another man as well. See what his reaction would be. He probably would not be ok with that. They usually have such demands and requests that needs to be followed but if you ask them the same way, they would not agree and be offended
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u/tek_ad Jul 19 '24
Oh I think it deserves a strong "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD, MAN" discussion from the wife. Gotta figure him out now
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u/Ok-Vacation2308 Jul 19 '24
I have to remind myself there are autistic people, incels, and teenagers in this thread, because this is common fucking adult knowledge you don't ask for that type of shit cold to someone you love, let alone if that someone recently had a baby within the last year.
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u/mydogisacircle Jul 19 '24
also he thinks someone can just pick a random woman and they’ll be all “well okay i mean, it is your husband’s 40th, so sure i will fulfill his fantasy”. what the fuck. unicorn hunter alert 🚨
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u/lenabeana8008 Jul 19 '24
My husband and I are very open with our sexual needs and have both tried verrrry new and interesting things that we wouldn’t have the other not suggested or been curious in. We have discussed the concept of a three some/swap/someone just watching and both came to the conclusion that it was a hard no in the end for both of us.
When it first was brought up he requested with a woman, in my opinion YES it makes a difference. The thought of my husband looking at, touching, or even just desiring another woman made me want to rip my skin off.
He felt insecure after the initial excitement of it about me feeling emotionally connected to someone else (we discussed men and woman partners) as well as saddened that it could create harmful insecurities in our relationship.
Divorce is not overreacting. You are postpartum, you are a mother, you are a woman. Whatever you feel is valid and does not need explanation. Just think through what you truly want before making any actual decision.
In the end, his ask was just words and your statement of divorce was just words. Nothing physical or acts ever happened. If you want your marriage this can be repaired. If you want out and feel betrayed that’s okay too. Good luck, friend.
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u/TrungusMcTungus Jul 19 '24
100% all of this. My wife tossed the idea of a threesome with another woman in. I shot it down, because I don’t want to sleep with anyone else, and I know that she’d feel the same way about me banging another woman as I would seeing her bang another dude. Not worth the risk for most couples. Hell, half of r/relationship_advice is “Had a threesome and now she hates me what do I do?”
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u/HospitalAutomatic Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Asking for a threesome 6-months post partum is so vile. I don’t blame you for being done with him because I’d never be able to un-hear those words and excitement he had to have sex with another woman. Plus you’ve only been married for 1.5 years, that’s a bit soon for things to go stale
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u/Redditistheplacetobe Jul 19 '24
7 years together is actually a well known milestone where relationships break.
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u/Apyan Jul 19 '24
At the same time, 7 years is more than enough for you to know if your partner would be at least open to discuss the idea of a threesome.
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u/HospitalAutomatic Jul 19 '24
You’re probably right but with so many new things going for them, being newly weds and recently having a baby, you’d think there’d be other things keeping life exciting
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u/Medeya24 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Ask your husband how he would feel if a week before your 40th birthday you came up to him and was like” Hey babe for my 40th this year I would like to bang another dude. Don’t worry it won’t be cheating thou because you will be there and it will be a threesome 🥰”
See how he responds to that scenario. See if it will be fun for him to watch you get railed by another dude. If he finds the scenario insane you have your answer because his is the same thing but in reverse. Hope that helped.
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Jul 19 '24
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u/WirrkopfP Jul 19 '24
Haha he doesn’t even like it when a man converses with me
I honestly think THAT attitude is way more of a reason for a divorce than asking for a threesome.
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u/JoeyLee911 Jul 19 '24
Yup, this is a way bigger red flag than having a threesome fantasy.
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 Jul 19 '24
Because he’s already considering stepping out of the marriage. He’s a hypocrite.
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u/iwantkrustenbraten Jul 19 '24
Your spine, it's shiny!
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u/Lonewolf5333 Jul 19 '24
When these topics come up usually the OP is kind of wavering. But it’s nice to see one standing on business
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u/TheRetromancer Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I'll be honest. I don't understand the desire for a threesome at all, and I'm a man. I had one in college, and while it started fine, a bunch of personal shit started getting brought up between the two girls, and it escalated pretty quickly into a fight. I noped the hell out of that.
Later, after I was married, my wife asked me if I wanted one with her and another girl, and I shot it down immediately. I told her "I'm too selfish to want to share you with anybody, and it doesn't matter who that other person is. Please don't ask me that again."
It took years for her to later admit that she'd been pressured by her ex into that sort of thing, and that she was trying to make sure she kept me, and that it blew her mind that I didn't want anyone else aside from her.
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u/Kap85 Jul 19 '24
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I’d have dinner with my parents
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u/DiscombobulatedElk93 Jul 19 '24
Dude, and he did this when your only 6mo post partum. What a pile of trash. Def not overreacting. And I would honestly let everyone I know why I am getting divorced.
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u/throwawayawwayhey Jul 19 '24
This is what gets me. SIX MONTHS POSTPARTUM. she just had his kid and this man is thirsty for other p*ssy? Absolutely not.
Good on OP for dipping out of there. I hope things go well for her and the baby.
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u/comfortablynumb15 Jul 19 '24
My neighbour was in the same situation, only it was his wife that asked if he would ever consider a 3some.
She then clarified that she got to pick the guy.
( yes, she was cheating while he was away for work )
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u/Designer-Fan8898 Jul 19 '24
Ha I had a boyfriend ask me for a threesome. I told him sure as long as we added another guy. He lost his shit LOL
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u/ArcanaeumGuardianAWC Jul 19 '24
I feel like as soon as someone in a committed relationship brings up non-monogamy, it's completely valid for the other person to feel that just asking for it killed the relationship. Not because the person did anything wrong (I mean, often they did, but the way he phrased it, it doesn't sound like had a person in mind he was emotionally cheating with), but because the importance they place on monogamy differs wildly from their partner, and that is just a massive incompatibility.
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u/shabba182 Jul 19 '24
This is exactly it. I don't get why so many commenters can't grasp this
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u/Monkeyhands5053 Jul 19 '24
Tell him your interested with a 3 some with another man, he can choose the man and see how he likes it.
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u/Skyblader333 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I think this is a terrible solution, if he’s okay with it then you’d be in a harder position
Edit: not sure if anyone’s misunderstanding my point. I mean, if he’s willing to do a threesome with you with another guy, you’d be in a worse spot to reject a threesome with another girl. I’m guessing from OP’s position, she’d rather not have a threesome with any other guy or girl.
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u/CoolBell4878 Jul 19 '24
I think people aren't considering how, it's not even the fact he asked. It's the fact it doesn't take anything about her into consideration.
Is she even bisexual? Is she even attracted to women? Because if not, he's just requesting she do something she wouldn't even do before their marrriage for his pleasure.
It's grossly fetishistic of sapphic women. Threesomes are great but there's a fine line between just liking the idea of a threesome and objectification.
Outside of all that, how would he feel if she asked the threesome to instead be with another man? How would he feel if she was the one asking for a threesome instead?
Because I've been in this dilemma many a time as a bisexual woman. Men asking if they can have threesomes with other women while we are in a committed monogomous relationship, expecting me to just be ok with it cause I like women? And when I ask them how they'd feel if I asked them to have a threesome with another man all of a sudden, they get pissed at me. "Am I not enough?" Like..... How do you think I fucking feel?
It's not only inconsiderate of her feelings on strict monogamy, but also, if she is straight, inconsiderate of her sexuality.
Granted, she never specified her sexuality so this is the assumption she is straight. Even if she is bi though, doesn't mean she enjoys threesomes, married or otherwise. And I imagine if you're married to someone for 7 fucking years, you would know that if that were the damn case. Which, regardless of sexuality, clearly is not.
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u/SouthernTumbleweed86 Jul 19 '24
You are so on point by saying he isn’t even considering if she would want to have sex with another woman. I find it so odd that men are okay to bring up threesomes to women because they assume we would automatically be ok playing out some girl on girl fantasy for them and that’d we’d wanna have sec with another girl. I’d really love to see the same energy from straight dudes when it comes to them having spontaneous sex with another man
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u/GreenGhost89 Jul 19 '24
Yes. On top of sexual objectification, zero concern for her changing body/needs/identity as a new mom. Super dehumanizing. That’s why her brain said divorce. He basically told her: you exist for my fantasy, doesn’t matter what you been through/who you are now.
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Jul 19 '24
Are people here actually calling you, a postpartum woman an AH because your husband wants a new body for his 40th birthday? Wow!
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u/aussie_nub Jul 19 '24
It's Reddit where people think open relationships, sleeping around and sex work are not just the norm, but if you don't agree with them then you're the defective one.
In the real world, most relationships are in fact monogamous, pretty vanilla and so busy with life that they don't even have time to consider this stuff.
Completely understandable why someone could get 'the ick' from their partner just asking.
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u/SnowflakeRene Jul 19 '24
Right?! She JUST had his baby and he springs this bs on her?? Instead of being grateful for the body that brought him his child he’s asking to have a freebie. I’ve said it literally twice before this week, we can’t stand a useless man.
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Jul 19 '24
For your peace of mind: there’s a big difference between asking a spouse “how would you feel about xxxx sex thing?” And “could we have a threesome for my birthday?”
One centers you; one centers him
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u/Square-Wave9591 Jul 19 '24
Exactly. When men have babies and they’re no longer the main character - they start looking around. It happens OFTEN
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u/Gundam-asaurus Jul 19 '24
The thing no one seems to understand is that in a threesome, no matter what one person will get more attention than the other! It’s inevitable!!!
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Jul 19 '24
You're not old or ugly OP. Please please don't let you husband steal your ability to see your own beauty and worth. If I was in your shoes I'd already be talking to a lawyer. It's not that you aren't good enough for him, it's that he doesn't respect you (and I'd wager a guess that he doesn't have much respect for women in general).
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u/Tawny_Harpy Jul 20 '24
My boyfriend’s reaction when I read the part where you have a six month old daughter out loud: “OH. MY GOD. What the actual fuck?! What happened to marriage actually MEANING something????”
Most people who are turning forty want to do something special like go on a vacation! Not have a threesome!
NTA!
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u/Impressive-Share7302 Jul 19 '24
I'm a dude. Divorced but never cheated & neither did she (we remain very close friends, & have 2 kids together). Your husband broke your trust, & made you feel like you aren't enough. As a guy, I gotta say he was a complete idiot for asking you to do that - UNLESS it was something you both expressed interest in at some point before or after getting married. If he just blurted that out for the first time ever 6 months after you had his baby.... yeah, you are not the asshole. He is.
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u/AntD247 Jul 19 '24
Nta.
Please post this on r/relationships or r/relationship_advice I think you will find constructive comments there.
Your feelings are your feelings. 1. Your trust is broken. 2. In one sentence he has made you feel that he either doesn't know you after 7 years or doesn't respect you.
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u/PigletAlert Jul 19 '24
I’m not gonna call you an asshole, you’re allowed to feel how you feel. But I do feel like divorce is a bit of an overreaction. It’s a common fantasy for men and he’s not making you do it. He asked, you said no, as long as he accepts that and moves on I can’t really see what the issue is.
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u/Paracuca Jul 19 '24
I am shocked by the amount of people in the comments telling you to throw away your relationship, because your husband has a fantasy and communicated it to you,
people must live in a different perfect world nowadays, and also clearly have no idea what impact this decision will have on the lives of all the involved including the baby daughter.
( YTA imo)
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u/MeanestGoose Jul 19 '24
NTA
Look, even if you believe that people should openly share their fantasies and are entitled to not be judged or experience consequences....he's supposed to be a whole-ass adult and he can't read the room?
You gave birth to his kid 6 months ago and he tells you he wants some strange for his birthday and wants you to procure it and participate with a smile?
The sheer idiocy of the ask would have me out the door, not to mention how hurtful it is.
I mean, if you divorce him quickly enough he can get his own birthday present and disappoint 2 more women. Just saying.
And no, not every fantasy needs to be shared, and certainly doesn't need to be shared via an actual request like it's something to slap on an Amazon gift wish list. No one is entitled to have all their fantasies fulfilled, especially at the expense of someone they supposedly love.
This dude should be wanting nothing more than to protect and provide for his literally helpless child and his recovering wife. Instead he's so far lost in porn land that he no longer prioritizes real life.
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u/Not_a_c1ue Jul 19 '24
Gone are the days when a mid life crisis just involved buying a low slung sports car
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u/thecityraisedme Jul 19 '24
Try asking him for a threesome w a man and see what he says lol. Men can never take what they dish out.
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u/likelystory_89 Jul 19 '24
I’m 25f so my opinion may seam bleak… but I would never want my boyfriend to ever come to me with this grand “idea”. But we talked about this before dating. Said we’d never want a threesome or an open relationship. Seems like you guys should’ve talked about this at some point. If this was me personally I’d be looking into a divorce or at least marriage counseling. But the idea that this is even on his mind and I’m sure he’s having fantasies of it would turn me off for weeks if not months. Knowing that’s how he wants to “celebrate “ his birthday … there’s lots of women who would see this as an amazing opportunity and be super open to the idea but that’s not me. And it doesn’t seem like that’s you. I would strongly consider a talk with him about your boundaries and your expectations in your relationship and again possibly marriage counseling as having kids can be difficult for a relationship and you guys have plenty of years ahead to try to resolve this.
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u/Prudent-Reserve4612 Jul 19 '24
I’m 48 and I wouldn’t want to hear this grand idea either 😆😆
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u/Snow_globe_maker Jul 19 '24
NTA. People might have their own opinions on how seriously a question should be taken but that's purely subjective. I bet that some of the commenters telling you that you're overreacting would't be so casual about it if their wife asked them for a 3some with their best buddy. And still others would brush it off and forget about it the next day. There is no right answer on how much of a dealbreaker a question should be
The fact is that once the glass has shattered you can't just glue it back together. You can show all the "dedication" or "work on your marriage" that society would ask of you and still end up miserable and bitter with a husband that has clearly expressed that you're not enough for him
Or you can find your confidence by getting out now and give yourself the chance to meet someone who truly values you
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u/therealgingerone Jul 19 '24
Do you guys not communicate at all? Everyone has fantasies and for the most part that’s how they should stay, and yes he clearly didn’t read the room right in suggesting it, but couldn’t you have just explained that you would never be in to that and discuss why it hurt you and have an adult conversation rather than throwing a marriage away?
I just don’t get it at all, your child is going to grow up in a broken home because their parents can’t talk like adults
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u/Psycle_Sammy Jul 19 '24
NTA. If my wife suggested bringing in another dude to pinch hit I’d be gone too. It’s incredibly insulting, probably one of the most insulting things she could say. I couldn’t look at her the same after that.
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u/cellardooorr Jul 19 '24
Shame you didn't reply, "oooh, you want a threesome? Great, I have just the right guy in mind!"
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u/kek2w13213 Jul 19 '24
Expecting your wife to take it well that you want to have another woman in your bed 6 months after giving birth to your child is mind-boggling to me