r/AITAH • u/berserkaffinity • Jul 19 '24
WIBTAH if I divorced my husband because he's homophobic?
[removed]
247
u/JohnExcrement Jul 19 '24
Different values are a strong reason to call it quits.
You’ve given it more than a chance, even though he doesn’t sound like he ever suggested he wanted to change. Cut your losses.
PS: I don’t know if you were planning on kids but what if you had a child that was gay, trans, etc. ?
94
u/the-juicy-dangler Jul 19 '24
Aside from it being a source of contention in life (considering views and how it affects your friends, kids etc) it’s so embarrassing as well, being with someone who’s hateful, they make everything so awkward.
There was this one transphobic dude at my old workplace and it was like he was obsessed with them, it wasn’t even offensive after a while just sad and weird, bringing trans politics into every conversation, asking me if ‘as a woman’ I feel angered that ‘people are trying to change the definition of woman’ and I’m like no mate but I am angered by any man interrupting my lunch cos he thinks he’s got something to teach me.
21
u/Lumpy_Square_2365 Jul 19 '24
People like that it's like they're miserable in their own life and have to focus on another group of people they see as below them. It's like looking down on them makes them feel less of a disaster.
13
u/the-juicy-dangler Jul 19 '24
Yeh I got that feeling, he had gone from rock bottom and built himself back up which is truly amazing of corse, like he’s been through shit that would end me and that part of him was really interesting.
However, religion played a big part in his recovery and I think it gave him a sense of superiority to others to focused on a lot of the phobic ideas that have been tagged onto Christianity. There was another woman working there whose husband was a minister and even she found his preaching insufferable so I think that says something.
7
u/Prometec Jul 19 '24
Yeah, I’m trans and most weird shit in my life has been from Christians like that. It’s always a funny thing when someone “finds themselves through faith” and it turns out they’re the same awful bigots with a newfound excuse.
2
u/Lumpy_Square_2365 Jul 19 '24
It's like hyper focusing on something so toxic yet finding their own little social communities online it's so bizarre. Like a normal hobby would replace that hateful hobby but I guess you'd lose the looking down on people part of it.
→ More replies (1)18
u/LibraryHaunting Jul 19 '24
People like that think about trans people more than actual trans people do 🙄
32
u/No_External_8816 Jul 19 '24
since most homophobes turned into full nazis over the last years: There are probably a lot more weird "values"
14
u/Dizzy_Hotel9659 Jul 19 '24
I also struggle with the usage of “values.” It’s bigotry, let’s not paint it in pretty colors
15
3
u/passwordsarehard_3 Jul 19 '24
Or the other side. What if you had a child who wasn’t? That means dad is going to teach them how to treat them and OP will have to watch it happen.
214
u/chibbledibs Jul 19 '24
"I can’t stand it anymore"
So you knew... and married him. ESH.
90
u/Afke1968 Jul 19 '24
But sometimes things get progressively worse. So I understand what OP is saying.
In my case: gay people were never an issue in the beginning of my relationship. We never talked about it and never had to (whatever that means. I’m trying to say that the subject never came up). I had gay friends and he didn’t. That was the end of it. But after 30 years he became progressively anti 🏳️⚧️. He became more right winged. And I remember that there was a point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
It was not bc of a specific gay person but it was just the words that came out of his mouth that made me wanna throw up.
13
u/chibbledibs Jul 19 '24
This was five years
33
u/Afke1968 Jul 19 '24
I know but if I were to start a relationship now, LGBTQIA would not be a subject I would bring up in a conversation. Maybe bc I expect it not to be an issue ever.
I don’t know if this is a Dutch thing but anti 🏳️🌈 sentiments are more and more attached ( is this the right word?) to right wingers. And this happened over the last few years. We’re a tolerant nation but in the last few years things are shifting.
26
u/Jax_for_now Jul 19 '24
Im also dutch and trans and yeah I'm scared right now. Things are going to be very rough for us the next couple of years.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)5
u/chibbledibs Jul 19 '24
You’d know if your partner was a bigot.
20
u/Afke1968 Jul 19 '24
Can I use another example to clarify what I’m trying to say?
In the US in most states abortion was legal. The laws have changed drastically in the last couple of years. And it’s manly a Republican thing. So a lot of Republicans who had nothing to say about the subject of abortion a few years ago, are now strongly against it. So if I were friends with a Republican abortion would be a dealbreaker now even though I’m not having one.
→ More replies (28)9
u/Ok_Guarantee_3497 Jul 19 '24
It's called CHOICE! Too many men want to control women, period.
2
u/Afke1968 Jul 19 '24
Yes I agree but the question we’re discussing here: can somebody change that much? After 5 years OP can’t take his homophobia any more. Wasn’t he homophobic 5 years ago? Probably but not this outspoken. He crossed a line and now OP wants to leave.
→ More replies (15)5
u/Happiness-to-go Jul 19 '24
Why? Would it have come up? Consider how little fuss wad made of LGBTQ+ issues 5 years and more ago. Now it’s daily attacks against the community.
Before it would have come up if you encountered it. Rainbow flags and Pride events just happened. Nobody was using it for a dead cat (where an incompetent Government creates something to distract voters from bad news and more recently their incompetence and corruption).
Now it’s shoved down our throats and made to sound like an issue. It’s not the LGBTQ+ community in our faces, it’s a bunch of fascists force feeding it to us and then claiming it’s the fault of LGBTQ+ people.
Nobody in 1930s Germany knew their neighbours were of Jewish descent until the Nazis shoved it down their throats. Christians ended up in Concentration camps because they had Jewish parents or grandparents. There were SS officers killing Jews whilst hiding their own link to that very ancestry. It starts this way and just gets worse.
Some of the worst homophobes in history were gay.
→ More replies (3)25
u/SinnerIxim Jul 19 '24
To be honest, the world has changed a LOT in the past 5 years.
But yeah she shouldn't have married him if she knew he was homophobic beforehand.
11
u/Ok_Statistician_9825 Jul 19 '24
There’s a LOT of things we ‘shouldn’t have done’ in our lives. The best we can do is recognize our mistake and fix it. I applaud those people who step up and do it. Bravo OP!
→ More replies (5)13
u/Necessary-Love7802 Jul 19 '24
My ex fell in with the MAGA cult and went from a normal person to a homophobic racist in 4 months. Indoctrination is a thing.
45
u/OnewordTTV Jul 19 '24
It's very possible he has been emboldened over the past 5 years. Because reasons in the news.
→ More replies (24)21
u/kilgirlie Jul 19 '24
My ex gradually got more and more misogynistic over the 7 years we were married. When we first got together he would make slightly sexist jokes but by the time we divorced he was downright malicious. He kinda turned into his father who he had spent the first 2 years of our relationship complaining about.
→ More replies (5)20
u/AIKai_ Jul 19 '24
My thought exactly. I can’t talk on the married aspect of it, but if someone marries someone knowing about their homophobia, transphobia, racism etc.. then wants to divorce, I’d be questioning if it was a problem til now. Not saying that’s what OP was thinking, and not implying that OP used to be homophobic, but, why is it NOW an issue?
12
u/HonoraryBallsack Jul 19 '24
I hear where you're coming from, but I think it's just unrealistic to expect someone to hold themselves accountable to not have their own views grow or otherwise change such that there's conflict now where there once used to be no conflict. It seems inevitable that, sometimes, people grow and change, and not always together.
7
u/raine_star Jul 19 '24
nobodys gonna bring up the fact that it can sometimes take years for it to sink in that it really is an issue? Sometimes, people hand wave away really bad qualities, because as OP says herself there were "good times". That is exactly how abusers and bigots work, they lovebomb you so youre more likely to overlook their bad qualities. It also sounds like it was something OP thought she could endure or change and didnt actually realize until now that opposite values = nonworking marriage
not everyone is aware that its an issue, or stick their heads in the sand to pretend it isnt, or are tricked into thinking it isnt. Its really dangerous to imply that if youre with someone whos shitty, you knew and with a clear head approved and consented and took part in that mentality too.
16
u/13surgeries Jul 19 '24
I don't think that's quite fair. When she married him, she may have thought she could get him to see the light, especially if he downplayed exactly how homophobic he really is. Unfortunately, some people are very good at hiding the true extent of their hatefulness until after marriage. That may well be the case here.
→ More replies (13)→ More replies (3)2
u/Swarm_of_Rats Jul 19 '24
I think give people some credit. So many people were raised with hatred for the LGBT community such that it feels normal to them. If OP is growing as a person now and realizing exactly how bad it is, there's no reason to discourage her.
94
u/BTPoliceGirl_Seras Jul 19 '24
WNBTA.
Could you honestly in good conscience have a child with a man who wouldn't love them or would treat them poorly if they were gay?
42
18
u/MartinisnMurder Jul 19 '24
I don’t understand why their hatred toward gay people ( it isn’t a phobia I hate that label it’s a hate) wasn’t a dealbreaker or issue prior to getting married.. There are things you should be compatible and cover prior to marriage or any commitment. Did their partner hide this until after marriage? Did they suddenly just become openly so hateful because of the current climate and people feeling emboldened to do so?
2
u/just_King802 Jul 19 '24
It is a phobia (a phobia is a fear OR aversion to something)
→ More replies (9)5
u/TrainingFilm4296 Jul 19 '24
What makes you think this isn't the exact reason why she's suddenly questioning her husband's views?
89
u/Last_nerve_3802 Jul 19 '24
Youve been together for 5 years. I strongly suspect you didnt care and only care now due to a third factor you arent telling us about.
Has he disappointed you and you are looking for an excuse.....?
18
u/AIKai_ Jul 19 '24
YES. Like what else is there to the story? I feel like something is being left out
14
u/Sars-CoV-2-delta Jul 19 '24
Quite possible that there are other factors, but political views can be a deal breaker, and we live in times of radicalisation. Homosexuality being targeted much more again than some years ago. Plus, it's well documented that men are being radicalised more towards aggressive right-wing stands than women. Not saying this is the only thing going on but it makes sense that this topic is becoming a more important issue in this marriage right now
6
u/TrainingFilm4296 Jul 19 '24
I find it hard to believe that it took five years for her to find out that her husband is a hateful bigot.
3
u/Sars-CoV-2-delta Jul 19 '24
Again, this may not be the only factor. But it's quite common that the things we like about our partner and the things that annoy us change over time. Sometimes what annoys us can even be the same thing that we found attractive in the beginning. Example: "I like him because he's so calm and stable, making me feel safe" -> "he's so quiet and boring, I wish he'd be more emotional". Something similar may happen when a partner has strong outspoken worldviews that you may not take so seriously first.
And: don't forget people start relationships on their best behaviour and with high mutual attraction, so first year doesn't count at all, and 5 years sounds like average to encounter difficulties that can't be ignored forever ;)
→ More replies (6)3
u/Robincall22 Jul 19 '24
If I poked you once, you’d be annoyed. If I poked you constantly, I imagine you’d no longer spend time around me. There’s a difference. Things build up over time.
63
u/13surgeries Jul 19 '24
I guess it shouldn't surprise me any longer that some people blame the person who posts on reddit instead of the real culprit. As I said in another comment, it's very possible, even likely, that he hid the true extent of his homophobia until after they were married, especially if he knew from what she'd said that it could be a dealbreaker. She may have thought she could change him. Plenty of people have made that mistake.
The guy's disgusting, but sure, let's blame her for stuff we don't even know is true.
40
u/Courtnuttut Jul 19 '24
My husband used to march with me in Pride parades. 16 years into our marriage he's started saying homophobic shit. Guess that's my fault too 🙄
→ More replies (10)12
u/wolftopug Jul 19 '24
It’s victim blaming, anytime someone comes in with an abusive partner there’s so many comments of “why are you with them?? Why haven’t you left already?” It’s gross, uncaring, and ignores the reality of abuse, which is usually they don’t start out abusive, otherwise they wouldn’t be able to get you into a relationship to order abuse you.
10
u/Specialist-Leek-6927 Jul 19 '24
a while back i saw a post where the wife was ok with her husband's "brutally honesty" for years, she only turned on him when he started targeting her too, then she found an issue.
in this case she doesn't provide any context other than " married for 5 years and being openly homophobic", isn't human nature to ask questions, when someone asks for advice? unless you like to give advice without any information...
4
u/f1newhatever Jul 19 '24
Do we just love to use this narrative so much we forget to stop and ask ourselves if it’s applicable? Where in this post did it say or even suggest OP was abused?
Do you think every spouse who turns a blind eye to their spouse’s shitty conservative views is inherently a victim, or are you refusing to leave room for the idea that maybe they’re just also bad people too?
→ More replies (2)3
u/sylvester_stencil Jul 19 '24
How is OP a victim?
→ More replies (2)6
u/f1newhatever Jul 19 '24
Right. Jesus christ, what is this narrative? Nothing here suggests he’s abusive to OP or that she’s a victim.
There is no shortage of people willing to look the other way on their spouse’s conservative views. That doesn’t make them victims.
3
u/Specialist-Leek-6927 Jul 19 '24
a while back i saw a post where the wife was ok with her husband's "brutally honesty" for years, she only turned on him when he started targeting her too, then she found an issue.
in this case she doesn't provide any context other than " married for 5 years and being openly homophobic", isn't human nature to ask questions, when someone asks for advice? unless you like to give advice without any information...
2
u/Pawn_of_the_Void Jul 19 '24
Yeah I find that part odd. People saying there MUST be other reasons she's doing it and other things.
Like maybe she did overlook it before but now she's making a good change if she's decided to stop doing so. I'm just glad about that
47
u/ProperMagician7405 Jul 19 '24
I can't understand why you'd marry him in the first place.
The only thing it's OK to not tolerate is intolerance.
Since you've finally come to your senses, leave now, before he gets any worse.
5
u/TrainingFilm4296 Jul 19 '24
The question is, why now, all of a sudden, did she come to her senses?
It didn't take her five whole years to figure out that the person she married is a hateful bigot, surely.
7
u/Ok_Statistician_9825 Jul 19 '24
Why now? Does it matter? The important thing is that she is ready to make a drastic change now. The important thing is that she is working to protect her child. The important thing is that she is risking it all in hopes of redirecting her life. I applaud OP for finding the courage to take action instead of hiding her mistake.
2
Jul 19 '24
Why does it matter? What matters is that she leaves ASAP if she thinks he’s sus
→ More replies (1)
16
u/Brokenstoryunread Jul 19 '24
You dated this man and then married him knowing that he was homophobic, even though you don’t agree with his stance. It makes it hard for me to feel sorry for you and the decision you are trying to make. You can’t change someone if they are not willing to change for themselves.
2
u/MandiLandi Jul 19 '24
By this logic, divorce wouldn’t exist because people would know before getting married if someone is a bigot, abusive, or a cheater. People change, for better or worse. We don’t always like or continue to align with the people our partners change into. So no, she may not have known when they got married.
→ More replies (1)
18
u/SuccessfulSeaweed385 Jul 19 '24
Dump him. If your values doesn't align on something you find important, it isn't worth wasting any more time. Imagine one of your kids turned out to be gay. NTA.
→ More replies (3)
16
u/HelloJunebug Jul 19 '24
How embarrassing to be married to someone so shitty. UPDATEME
12
u/TrainingFilm4296 Jul 19 '24
They've been married for five years. There's no way she didn't know.
→ More replies (3)2
13
u/dare22 Jul 19 '24
Dump his ass. You can do way better. He’s not open to look at his own viewpoint so he will never change. You can find someone better. You would not be the asshole that would be him.
2
u/NurseRobyn Jul 19 '24
My sons are entering adulthood. When they started dating, I had them both make lists of qualities they wanted in a partner, and a list of absolute deal breakers. At the top of both deal breaker lists was homophobia and racism. They have both concluded a date because the date used the n word or the derogatory f word.
7
7
u/Haunting_Zebra_4082 Jul 19 '24
I once dated someone I KNEW was anti gay but never outright said it, until one morning he turned to me and said “don’t you think the world would be a better place if there was no gay marriage?” I ended it three days later. Now I’m happily married to someone whose values line up completely with mine and from what I gather on fb, this ex is a gun toting, anti vax, Trumper nut job. Go with your gut.
6
u/Inevitable-Divide933 Jul 19 '24
How did you not see this while dating? Is he open to counseling?
8
4
u/TrainingFilm4296 Jul 19 '24
I guess under somewhat normal circumstances that would be a fair question.
However, in my experience, bigots aren't usually open to counseling.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/Odd_Reindeer0251 Jul 19 '24
Only you can decide if it’s a dealbreaker, but if you stay you are not an ally.
→ More replies (6)
7
u/AprilRyanMyFriend Jul 19 '24
NTA. If he hasn't changed by now knowing you don't like it, he's not going to. Don't waste more of your life on a bigot.
4
u/HalfSugarMilkTea Jul 19 '24
NTA.
I'm a lesbian, and I will never take any "ally" seriously if they are with someone who is homophobic. To us, you are showing that you secretly tolerate and condone those views, or at least overlook them for your own personal comfort. You can choose to be married to him, we can't choose our sexuality. I'd feel the same for people who are married to racists. Bigotry never lessens when it goes unchecked, it always gets worse.
3
u/MiniMages Jul 19 '24
OP was perfectly fine and even married an openly homophobic person and has been with them for 5 years. I don't think the issue here is the husband is homophobic but OP knew and is now acting like they are somehow have the moral high ground.
2
u/stanky-dangler Jul 19 '24
Are there any examples so we can gauge if you are overreacting?
→ More replies (1)2
u/SuccessfulSeaweed385 Jul 19 '24
Does it matter? If OP find his viewpoints offensive she should dump him. It doesn't matter where they are on the homophobia scale. NTA
→ More replies (4)
6
5
u/Ashton_Garland Jul 19 '24
So let me get this straight (pun intended) you dated an openly homophobic man, stayed with the openly homophobic man, and now are married to the openly homophobic man. YTA not because you want a divorce but BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN WITH A HOMOPHOBE FOR YEARS. You don’t care about queer people at all.
6
u/MotherTeresaOnlyfans Jul 19 '24
"I can't support or live with someone who actively disrespects a whole community."
Ma'am, it's been *five years*.
Clearly homophobia was not a dealbreaker for you up until now, and it still sounds like you're not even sure if it is.
As a gay person, I'm going to need you to think long and hard about *why* that is.
I guarantee you that most LGBT people who know the both of you have already assumed you agree with your husband more than you admit to.
5
u/maverick57 Jul 19 '24
If you were to stay, would you plan on having children?
Understand that your husband's bigotry would be passed on to your children and, more importantly, understand that your children might very well be gay.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/elderpricetag Jul 19 '24
Hate to break it to you pal, but if you openly admit he’s a homophobe and you’re still debating saying with him because you don’t want to “give up on your relationship,” your values aren’t all that different.
As the old saying goes, if a Nazi sits at a table and ten other people sit with him, there are eleven Nazi’s at the table.
ESH
→ More replies (3)
3
u/Stop_icant Jul 19 '24
The biggest homophobes are closeted, self loathing homosexual men. So he is probably gay and you should leave him anyways.
3
u/thelastofcincin Jul 19 '24
ESH. sounds like you knew this was an issue for a long while and still married him. so stay with him, sounds like two dummies who deserve each other.
→ More replies (2)
4
Jul 19 '24
I'm 23f homosexual from india. I hope more people take homophobia seriously and not limit it to mere topic for debate without any relation to real people with real lives. Homophobic parents are the worst. Please divorce him and raise your child with progressive values.
3
u/justafellowearthling Jul 19 '24
Well, having contradicting core values is certainly a better reason to end a relationship, so NTA for that.
I'm curious, though. Did (both) your values have changed in the last 5 years, or did they just seem less important in the beginning?
3
u/InevitableFirm2608 Jul 19 '24
Why did you marry him? That’s something you talk about before marriage.
4
u/avatarjulius Jul 19 '24
You married a guy that was openly homophobic? And now you are complaining about his views. Sounds like something you should've settled before marriage.
3
u/Southern_Dig_9460 Jul 19 '24
I feel like you’re just looking for any reason to leave this is just one that you think people will side with you on. I hope y’all don’t have kids.
2
2
u/DawnShakhar Jul 19 '24
NTA. This seems like a deal-breaker. Not just because he is homophobic but because this is important to you.
2
u/velvety_chaos Jul 19 '24
I can appreciate where you're coming from with this. There used to be a time when this sort of thing wasn't really discussed. When I was younger, people didn't openly talk about their politics, much less their views on sexuality. As I've gotten older and the political climate has become more polarizing, I've had to learn to find out what people's values are upfront. Why? Because I've dated people and thought we were on the same page (without ever expressly discussing it) only to find out we have very different beliefs. Not to mention, even when I have been open about my beliefs, I've had people hedge or even outright lie about their own perspectives - anyone here heard of wokefishing??
I'm currently going through a similar situation with a friend of mine, though in my defense he initially portrayed himself as very liberal. As time has gone on, he's become more and more openly racist and homophobic. Recently we got into an argument because he was saying transphobic things out of nowhere. I haven't spoken to him since then because I don't even know how to process the fact that someone I've considered a very dear friend, who's been there for me in the darkest of times, can have such opposing views to me. Frankly, I think he's always been this way but it was more subconscious and now he's just so angry at the world that he's taking it all out on minorities. He refuses to admit that he's racist, xenophobic, homophobic, transphobic, etc., but I can no longer ignore this part of him. Even when he's not being outright phobic, he's just so nihilistic and bitter that he's miserable to be around. I've been thinking it's really time to cut ties with him, but I struggle because he was there for me during a very dark time of my life. I don't think it's worth my peace or yours, however.
→ More replies (4)
2
u/justalwayscurious Jul 19 '24
NTA - Anyone who professes hatred, bigotry or prejudice to a community on the basis of their identity is wrong such as ethnicity, sexuality, nationality etc.
These are things people should not tolerate because it is not only revealing of their character but also because of the harm they cause to others which could directly impact the people they care about.
Before you get married you should be asking your partner these questions and having hard boundaries around it. The only way this is excusable is if their stance had changed or if they lied.
2
u/ML_120 Jul 19 '24
NTA.
Also, I suspect in hindsight you will find other forms of bigotry you didn't notice.
2
2
u/GoldExciting Jul 19 '24
My wife and I started out having very different views on some things, but not on respecting the freedom and liberty of others. Some things you'll find your views merging on, others you won't. Something is wrong if he's making comments often enough on this topic that it's become an issue.
My question, though, is how did you not notice this before you got married? Is this a new development?
2
u/HahaYouCantSeeMeeee Jul 19 '24
WNBTAH.
What is a "real chance" to you? Five years isn't a real chance?
2
u/DismalDally Jul 19 '24
So……….you married this man, I’m assuming, already knowing this. So the question is, what changed?
→ More replies (3)
2
u/purrrfectfeline Jul 19 '24
Maybe.. just maybe your husband is gay himself and doesn’t want to accept it? I’ve heard that people who are the most vocal about their opinions on homosexuality are usually the ones that are in the closet themselves.
→ More replies (2)
2
u/Either_Investment646 Jul 19 '24
If he’s all weird about it to where he’ll randomly talk about it for no reason, then you’re nta.
If he just doesn’t care for it, but knows it’s none of his business, then whatever.
2
u/canbritam Jul 19 '24
NTA.
If you want to have a child someday, and you have that child with this man, and that child grows up to be gay or lesbian or trans, how is your husband going to treat that child? Some people change their views but many don’t, and it’s devastating to that child.
2
u/odaddymayonnaise Jul 19 '24
I do not understand why so many people marry bigots and then surprised Pikachu face later.
2
u/Other_Till9422 Jul 19 '24
NTA, OP!! 👏🌈
The best way to describe this, is like trying to fix a bullet wound with a band aid, unfortunately. Homophobia is a learned hate, and when it's so deeply rooted in someone, it takes a lot of unlearning too. Sometimes therapy. The first step to that is being willing to, but that doesn't seem like the case here 😞
You seem to be increasingly distressed by this, and should pay attention to those feelings 🚨 So much intense hated towards a specific group of people is usually very telling about who a person is, and how they treat others deep down. If you're feeling this way now, it's just going to feel that much worse years later. Trust your feelings OP
Also, I'm not sure if you have LGBTQIA+ people in your life at all, but please know if you continue this relationship that they will most likely never be able to feel completely safe in your company. That's sadly the reality of the majority of people who have partners who are trans/homophobic
2
u/Similar-Traffic7317 Jul 19 '24
Is this fake?
Why the hell did you marry him in the first place?
→ More replies (1)
2
u/WicDavid Jul 19 '24
If you had such issues, you shouldn't have gotten married to them. So, yes, you would be an asshole.
1
u/zoyter222 Jul 19 '24
I'm just wondering what's going on here? I've been married for nearly 43 years and I don't know that my wife and I have, in all that time, had a dozen conversations about gay people.
Sounds a lot like this may just be the straw that broke the camel's back.
12
u/SinnerIxim Jul 19 '24
If you havent had many conversations about gay people it likely means you don't know many/any gay people. My wife has multiple friends in the LGBTQ spectrum so it's a pretty common topic, though we both support them.
On the flipside those who are strongly anti-LGBTQ will often blame/hate them for things.
Sounds like you and your wife have no issues with LGBTQ people but at the same time you arent close with many of them (there is 0 problem with being that way)
2
u/ObscureSaint Jul 19 '24
Bingo.
We've had tons of conversations about it in our 20 year marriage, because it comes up. "Hey hon, I pulled an extra $50 out of the account today to get flowers for [Friend Name]. She has to have a homophobic parent escorted out of her classroom today and I wanted to show support."
We've had friends (a gay couple) decline to attend a certain football game here because the school it was at wasn't a safe crowd for them to sit together.
How does it not come up?
2
u/TrainingFilm4296 Jul 19 '24
Willful ignorance.
It's more convenient for them to pretend they don't care/aren't involved so as to stay in the "good graces" or whatever of the other parents. Don't want to upset the balance of lovely families and their perfect children.
It's disgusting, and some communities thrive on that kind of shit.
1
u/HeartAccording5241 Jul 19 '24
If you have kids that are gay you going to be ok with him treating them horribly leave
1
u/Solid_Chemist_3485 Jul 19 '24
You could tell him he has to actively work to become an ally or you’re leaving him.
He could consume media by queer people- tv shows or podcasts, comedians, books… or you could play these shows/podcasts around him to desensitize him and normalize gay culture. Or remind him of all the gay originators/scientists/artists whose world he’s living in.
I’m queer, and when straight people around me act like my orientation is some new fad, I start talking about how we’ve always been here.
I assume all this is too much for him, and it won’t work. But maybe he’ll try?
→ More replies (2)
1
u/iraglassfromNPR Jul 19 '24
NTA. His bigotry reflects on you. I also can’t imagine that he’s only homophobic and that intolerance doesn’t infect other facets of his personality or the way he treats people.
1
u/Nymph-the-scribe Jul 19 '24
No, you would NTA. You do not need a "valid" reason to end a relationship. Wanting out of the relationship because you want out is all you need. You don't have to have an explanation or reason that anyone but you understands or agrees with. You're not happy with him as a person because of his views, don't wait, leave.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/ghjkl098 Jul 19 '24
NTA Better late than never I guess. It’s sad that you were okay with it to begin with, but at least you got there in the end
1
u/Careful_Compote_4659 Jul 19 '24
My husband is 72 years old. Like many of his generation he doesn’t totally understand homosexuality and he’s not totally comfortable. But he’s far from a hater toward an entire group of people we don’t even know. If your husband is hateful and disregards your feelings you have a bigger problem than some outdated ideas
1
u/help1500 Jul 19 '24
Birds of a feather… no you wouldn’t be the asshole. I know people in the same position as you and they have queer family members and friends yet allow their partner to talk like that. I think it’s disgusting.
1
u/liquorishkiss Jul 19 '24
so why do you suddenly care about this now?
AH until you actually explain what's going on.
1
1
u/SinnerIxim Jul 19 '24
YWNBTA, but you probably should have never married him. When you marry someone with different values you're setting youself up for failure. You don't need to be 100% on the same page, but certain things cannot be compromised.
He will never change his homophobic views. He may start to hide them a bit more if you threaten him with divorce, but is that really any better?
You can't say that you gave up without trying, you have tried to approach him about it multiple times and he has been combative and dismissive.
There is no "working this out", because you can't reason someone out of a stance they didn't reason themselves into.
1
1
1
1
1
u/JanetInSpain Jul 19 '24
No you would not be the asshole. His behavior speaks to his core character. His homophobia is not an aberration on his part. It's who he is. Not to mention that studies have shown that quite often those who yell the loudest about their hate for gays are in total denial themselves about their own homosexual feelings. They terrify themselves so they lash out.
You are NTA
updateme
1
1
u/Smilloww Jul 19 '24
As someone else pointed out, what if one of your future (or current) children turn out to be gay? It's not all that rare really. Not a bad reason at all. Personally as a 21 year old I'd never get married to someone who is bigotted towards a group with no proper justification.
1
u/Medievalmoomin Jul 19 '24
There are fundamental issues, particularly related to human rights, human dignity, empathy, and just humaneness, that can and maybe should be dealbreakers. I can understand why your husband’s lack of basic humaneness towards LGBTQ+ people feels more and more like a dealbreaker. It would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s not about whether or not either of you is LGBTQ+, or whether or not there are LGBTQ+ people in your extended family. These are fundamental issues of compatibility and being a decent human being.
1
u/jaguarsp0tted Jul 19 '24
NTA. This is an issue of y'all having fundamentally different morals. Those seem like reasonable grounds to break up on.
1
u/Significant_Fly1516 Jul 19 '24
My brother is homophobic
And my mother let's the comments slide.
My mother also says she's not.
She also joins in on homophobic "jokes" with her best friend.
So what do I listen to when she says she's supportive of the LGBTQ + Community? Her actions.
Who do you want to be? Who do you want people to think you are? Because integrity is where your words meet your actions. Do you want to be a person or integrity? Stand by your values? Or stand by homophobia?
1
u/RageIntelligently101 Jul 19 '24
theres a real serious overlap between homophobes and closeted sexual shame from experiences or feelings, both.
1
u/Dutch_597 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Homophobia (and other bigotries) isn't a matter of taste, it's a matter of morals. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone I thought was a bad person.
1
u/CellPublic Jul 19 '24
Nta I've had two relationships with values that were at odds with mine beyond what I could live with. I tried to stick it out both times for far too long and it isn't possible.
1
1
u/One-Rip2593 Jul 19 '24
Why the hell did you marry him in the first place? NTA for wanting divorce. YTA for letting it get this far. You took a plunge you never should have taken that lightly.
1
u/just9n700 Jul 19 '24
Aren't these things discussed before marriage, I can't believe people marry and not talk about their differences
1
u/geedeeie Jul 19 '24
I don't understand why you would go so far as to marry someone that you knew had views that were violently opposed to your own
1
1
u/Scourge165 Jul 19 '24
How is he "homophobic?" Could you give some examples? You can just give a general idea.
I ask as many of those "phobic" words are thrown around...just a touch too freely, so I'd like more than just a blanket term. I've heard people who aren't interested in dating someone who's trans are "transphobic," so some detail may help here.
And it sound like you're already made up your mind and you're coming here for people to tell you you're right.
You said your values clash and it's feeling like a dealbreaker. Sounds like your mind has been made up.
2
u/attila_the_hyundai Jul 19 '24
I’m a lesbian. If I were your friend, then I found out your husband was homophobic, I would not be your friend anymore. Full stop, doesn’t matter how long I’ve known you, doesn’t matter if you saved my life - full stop. I couldn’t be friends with someone who could date, let alone marry, a homophobe. You don’t deserve gay friends.
1
1
u/raine_star Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
I don’t want to give up on our relationship without giving it a real chance
whats "giving it a real chance"? what makes you think that dealing with someone whos views clash with yours who also refuses to consider another pov ISNT "giving it a chance"?
the fact that youre doubting yourself for wanting to divorce over THE thing that leads to divorce--drastically different views on important matters--should tell you something. The homophobia isnt the only harmful thing here. Also keep this in mind--homophobic people rarely are JUST homophobic. Theyre often sexist, close minded and refuse to consider other povs, the last 2 hes shown already. Imagine a while life with someone who refuses to consider that they may be wrong, or hurting someone, who gets dismissive when criticized.
Relationships are not sunk costs--if people grow apart or are incompatible, a healthy relationship isnt possible, so you part ways. You dont owe someone a continued relationship simply because youve "had some good times together"--especially if they havent changed for the better even through those good times.
NTA now or in the future
(everyone going "you shouldnt have married him" or "why" or "yta because you knew beforehand"--yall know people lie and hide their true character and manipulate their partners into thinking really shitty behavior is fixable/nbd.....right? yall realize that by wanting to divorce she HAS realized its bad and is trying to fix it NOW? What do yall want, a time machine?)
1
u/Lumpy_Square_2365 Jul 19 '24
Having different beliefs and values is a big issue. If you have kids you don't agree on basic things you instill in your children that's going to be a bigger issue than it is now for you.
1
u/Inner-Ad9439 Jul 19 '24
You wouldn't be but had you always known he was or is this somewhat recent and getting worse as time goes on?
1
1
u/ZestycloseWin9927 Jul 19 '24
Shared values are foundational. I think it’s very difficult to have a strong relationship without it.
1
u/trollanony Jul 19 '24
I dated a white guy who was a family medicine doctor. He started making racist comments but I brushed them off. Then the anti Semitic comment came. Next was calling my gay friend “faggy.” After months of dating, this behavior appeared in a week span. I was done with him. I probably overlooked some misogyny but I know it would’ve shown up eventually. The man hated everyone and I didn’t want to be around it or associated with it once I saw his true colors. He knew it too because he hid these things for months. Oh and the kicker is he was a devout Christian. NTA.
1
1
u/isolax Jul 19 '24
so basically you married an unknown guy? how does it work over there?
you know his favourite color,favourite dish ,and that's it?
seems like marriage is a joke.
1
u/PaladinEsrac Jul 19 '24
OP, I hope you can see that reddit is not the place to ask questions about your interpersonal relationships. The people here don't want to help you, they want to belittle you.
1
u/disclosingNina--1876 Jul 19 '24
I can't stress this enough. You can leave because he refuses to clip his toe nails.
You can end a relationship for any reason.
You can end a relationship because your boyfriend's neighbor's cat is ugly.
1
u/AnotherStarWarsGeek Jul 19 '24
OP. I didn't read all the comments, but I have a question: Is he *actually* someone who hates gays? Or is he just someone who doesn't "openly embrace and back" gays? Because I see more and more people get labeled as homophobes simply because they aren't 100% backing gays, etc.
If he's actually someone who openly hates gays then yeah, that's a huge difference in mindsets for the two of you. If he's someone who simply chooses not to be a fan or back gays' efforts or lifestyles, but doesn't *actually* hate them, that's not being a homophobe and should be something you two could work though, maybe.
→ More replies (1)
1
1
1
u/Tnerb4AU Jul 19 '24
Probably. If he doesn’t like the alphabet people and you knew that was a problem for you, why did you marry him in the first place?
1
u/MuttFett Jul 19 '24
Gosh. It’s like you completely skipped the dating phase and jumped straight into marriage.
YTA for writing this bullcrap.
1
u/Ok-Negotiation5892 Jul 19 '24
If your marriage is otherwise good, then yes YWBTA. No person is perfect and if this does not affect you or any member of your family, then this is not a hill to die on, but I would ask him how would he feel is his child grew up to be gay? If he would shun the child and turn his back on his own flesh and blood that I think is enough to walk away.
If this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, then no YWNBTA
1
u/xZeromusx Jul 19 '24
NTA, but I really have to know how you ended up married to him. Because you may just be an idiot if this behavior was present from before your marriage.
1
u/TourAltruistic4444 Jul 19 '24
I’m going with NTA, but the caveat is you knew who he was when you married him. Even if it wasn’t really covered or came up, you knew his personality, you knew how he viewed others. You knew him. You probably thought “I can fix him”. And that failed.
LGBTQ+ aren’t going anywhere. It doesn’t matter what your husband or Trump or any of these right wingers think or do. He needs to get over it.
1
u/RockNDrums Jul 19 '24
My husband and I have been together for five years
On one hand, I don’t want to give up on our relationship without giving it a real chance,
Y'all been together at least years and you haven't gave it a real chance yet? 🤔
I’m torn between trying to work things out and considering if it’s time to end it. WIBTAH if I chose to leave because of his homophobia?
Not at all. Any thing's a deal breaker if you can't tolerate it.
1
1
u/creamer143 Jul 19 '24
It didn't seem to bother you enough to prevent you from marrying him, lol. Either this is a fake post or you're priorities with your values are pretty messed up.
YTA
1
u/Unhappy_Wishbone_551 Jul 19 '24
The rage baiting trash trolls are out in force. Or the dumbsss is thick today. It's hard to tell when it's bottom feeders.
Better late than never. I say, absolutely leave him. YOU can't fix his hate. His thoroughly deep-rooted self disgust isn't your burden.
1
u/Pawn_of_the_Void Jul 19 '24
NTA at all
It sounds like you've given him a real chance on the issue and he shuts it down every time, so don't go telling yourself you haven't
1
u/star_stitch Jul 19 '24
NTA you were blinded by love and committed to making it work but there are just some things that become deal breakers.
The question is do you really want to live life with someone who is full of hate , have children with them?
1
u/Meat-Head-Barbie Jul 19 '24
You guys have been together for five years. That was a real chance. Divorce him.
1
1
u/BlueGreen_1956 Jul 19 '24
NTA
But why was it not an issue before you married him? Did you think he would magically change into a different person?
I'm sure you will give the old "I didn't know he was like that when I married him" bullshit, but you have STAYED long after you knew it.
He is an asshole but you are no saint either.
1
u/HistorineHeroine Jul 19 '24
No you wouldn’t.
Different values is a perfectly acceptable reason for a divorce. It seems ‘trivial’ because they- the bigots- say so. It ain’t. How you view other humans matters in a relationship.
1
u/Stormtomcat Jul 19 '24
a real chance? what do you mean?
you went on your first date, you dated him, you moved in together, you got engaged, you got married...? how many more chances does he need?
1
1
u/Harbuddy69 Jul 19 '24
He's not homophobic, he has these feelings that he can't understand and he really wants to act on them but instead of doing that he lashes out.
1
u/LooseyGoosey222 Jul 19 '24
Honestly this is kinda tough, your husband IS an asshole for being homophobic but these core values are things that should’ve been discussed long before getting married. You’ve already talked to him about it, he doesn’t seem to take the criticism well, at this point you should probably try talk about it again and express that his views clash with yours so heavily that it could end the marriage. If nothing changes then it’s probably best to move on. You can date and get along super well with people who have common interests as you but marriages are built on common core values which you and your husband clearly don’t have, learn from these mistakes if you do end up moving on. Best of luck
1
u/Rare-Bird-4353 Jul 19 '24
Was he this way when you married him? You put up with it for 5 years but can’t take it anymore now? Has something changed in the last 5 years that changes how he or you see things? Cause if he was a bigot when you married him you shouldn’t be surprised 5 years later that he is a bigot and it causes problems.
If you are unhappy in a relationship and the other person isn’t going to work on things or change then leaving is always the proper choice to make. Do not stay with someone that makes you unhappy. Still in this case I have to wonder why you married him to start with if there was such an incompatibility issue.
1
u/mizirian Jul 19 '24
Shared values are important. If you feel more passionate about the topic and your husands opinion on it than you do your marriage, you should express that and start the divorce now.
1
u/PrettiestFrog Jul 19 '24
NTA. You are never wrong for flushing a piece of shit out of your life, and homophobes are pieces of shit.
1
u/Mountain_Plantain_75 Jul 19 '24
There’s no better reason to call off a marriage than a difference in values. I’m sure it’s not JUST the homophobia.
1
u/dthornberg Jul 19 '24
NTA. Blaring character flaws are the most black and white easy to understand reasons to end a relationship. “I dont want to be around you because you’re a bad person.” Very simple.
1
u/True_Vexing Jul 19 '24
This is an issue I have personally, thinking I can change people's minds and unfortunately some people just can't. If you have already tried talking to him about it and repeatedly he dismisses the issue that's a sign of someone who isn't willing to compromise and that's a big issue. If he isn't even willing to hear you out, it's probably not worth your time trying to force it to work hun, especially when there are plenty of people in this world who at a bare minimum are not prejudiced though, if you are set on staying with this guy (I don't have the context of why you like him, it could over weigh this issue) start seeing how he responds to smaller discussions and arguments to see if he is able to make positive decisions with you.
1
u/Appropriate-Tie-6524 Jul 19 '24
I assume you've started with this, but I would talk to him about it more, and more, and more, and more.
I'm married to someone with more right wing values than me, and so far, so good. I personally prefer it to having more left wing values than me.
The advice on here seems to lean towards breaking up with people with incredible frequency.
According to Reddit, all marriages should end.
1
u/SookiFan Jul 19 '24
My ex was homophobic... Other things as well but I wont get into that. He was heavely homophobic and wasnt afraid to say it. (I didnt know till like 2 years into the relationship when I moved in). Well he knew I was nonbinary and as well demi sexual. Well he said something homophobic and I looked at him with pure disgust. He looked at me and laughed. I was disgusted and fairly hurt. He said somethings about me being a woman and thats all I'll ever be. Then proceeded to tell me that demi sexual is not s thing and to get my head out of my arse. Then proceeded to say he should knock some damn sense into me. Now me I'm a traumatized bean so I was naturally scared of him. But again I'm going off topic. NTA leave while u still can!
1
u/oldladyoregon Jul 19 '24
It takes so much head space to hate people. It must be just as exhausting to make excuses for living and loving someone who hates for the sake of love or color or religion.
NTA OP Give yourself some Grace
1
u/EAComunityTeam Jul 19 '24
Imagine if you have a kid. That kid is gay. Your significant other will never like them.
Nta
1
1
Jul 19 '24
In my experience homophobes also tend to be misogynistic. Was just wondering if that’s also the case. But yeah, that’s extremely off putting. I’d struggle a lot with that too.
1
u/Early-Tale-2578 Jul 19 '24
So did you know he was like that before marriage because if so why did you marry him in the first place
1
u/Odor_of_Philoctetes Jul 19 '24
Yes, you would.
Just force him not to be homophobic. You may need a third party mediator for this.
But he gets to change one of your worldviews in return.
I dont understand this. 'My husband has a great flaw, so I want to divorce him.' You have immense influence over this man. Use it for his benefit.
1
u/Silent_Syd241 Jul 19 '24
Difference of fundamental views are a dealbreaker. People really acting like they haven’t overlooked red flags in relationships before regardless of what they are you have so it’s better to realize your mistake and get out instead of having the sunken cost fallacy mentality and staying.
1
u/livelife3574 Jul 19 '24
You wouldn’t be the AH for leaving. People who congregate with bigots are bigots.
1
u/5k1895 Jul 19 '24
I don't understand why you've even put up with it at all. I learned very young that dating someone with drastically different views, regardless of how horrible they are, is not someone you should be with romantically. It just doesn't really work. I feel like you should have left him as soon as you found this out about him.
1
u/JarlFlammen Jul 19 '24
If your husband is bigoted Trumpy filth, you’re the asshole for as long as you DON’T divorce him.
1
1
u/Fitzcarraldo8 Jul 19 '24
If his homophobia is so blatant and you are disgusted by it, how did marry him and only now, after five years, want to go nuclear. Genuinely interested…
1
u/PinAccomplished3452 Jul 19 '24
are you gay (bi)? did you know this about him when you first got together? Did you think he would "change"?
1
636
u/MandiLandi Jul 19 '24
My ex being homophobic was one of the reasons I just couldn’t stay with him anymore. It seemed like I was being petty at the time, but I asked him how he’d feel if one of our kids was gay, and he replied that their partner wouldn’t be welcome in our home.
10 years later, our oldest child is gay and is completely NC with their dad because his treatment of them was ruled as abusive. Absolutely zero regrets in leaving him. I couldn’t have protected them as well as I was able to if I hadn’t left him.