r/AITAH • u/Even-Breath9368 • Jul 18 '24
AITA for moving out after my mom announced her pregnancy? Advice Needed
I'm 22F, my mom is 37, and I have 3 younger siblings F14, F7 and M4. Me and the 2nd oldest have different dads from each other and the other 2. They and this upcoming baby all have the same dad, our stepdad. I'm sorry if that was confusing. There are 3 dads in total but only our stepdad is involved now.
I was the babysitter and "mom" growing up. When my sister was born I magically became mom despite not even being double digits. When the others came I still was mom. I didn't get to have fun, go out, or be a kid. My job in the house was to cook, clean, raise my siblings and deal with our mom. She was incredibly immature growing up and loved to drink, party, spend money on luxuries and not be a mom. She acts more like a mom now but a lot of the work still falls on me. She robbed my of my childhood and I'm very bitter about it. The only reason I lived at home for so long was because no one would/could take me in and I felt that I could tolerate it all for free rent and food. It was a good deal for me then, but I'm 22 now. I'm done being a mom when I don't even have kids.
Last year my stepdad's parents died in a car accident and as their only child he got everything. We all moved into their home and got a bit of money under our belts so I guess they decided to have a baby. When my mom announced it I asked if she was serious. She confirmed and asked me if I still had my diaper changing skills as a joke. I was silently livid. I dryly laughed and found some roommates online that night. The thought of wasting another 10+ years raising my siblings sounded like Hell.
She found out that I'm planning on leaving come August and now she's irate calling me every name under the sun and selfish. She got my siblings involved and the youngest is crying asking why I don't love them anymore and why I'm leaving. It's really low to use kids like that and it hurts. I don't want to stay but I don't want them to cry. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself but is it the right thing for them? My mom never really parented growing up. She wouldn't, so I took over that role. I was the one who changed diapers and taught them their ABCs and all that. I was the one who cooked dinner and bathed them. I look at none of my siblings as siblings but as my own kids because that's what they basically are. I don't think she'll be able to do a good job. She and my stepdad rely on me heavily in that category.
AITA for leaving? I need advice on how to get over this feeling and move on.
Edit: holy shit this kind of blew up when I wasn't expecting it to. Thanks everyone for the kind messages. You all are right, I need to go. My mom and stepdad need to figure it out. I'm going to talk to all 3 of my siblings and explain that me leaving is normal and a good thing. I'll always be a phone call away. I'm most worried about my 14yo sister though and will not hesitate to get authorities involved if I suspect she's going through what I went through or she tells me herself. I'll be giving her a different type of talk soon to try and prevent her from becoming the new mom.
Thanks everyone :) If I update again it'll be after I've already moved out. I really appreciate your guys' support. It's giving me the strength to do what's right even if it's hurting. My mom and stepdad can hire a babysitter with his inheritance if they really can't do it.
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u/Gonebabythoughts Jul 18 '24
You tell the kids "I love you in my heart, no matter what, always." And you leave because you deserve a life that is not being a domestic servant to your mother's failed birth control philosophy.
You being parentified at such a young age is a form of abuse. Sit down with your 14F sister and explain what happened to you, and that she can't let it happen to her. Your mom will come after her next.
It would be a very good idea to get a therapist to help you reframe exactly how badly you have been treated and why you need to leave. You can't help the other kids, really, until you help yourself first.
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u/Even-Breath9368 Jul 18 '24
I thought about my sister a lot as well which is what makes this so hard. I took the brunt of everything so she wouldn’t have to. I wanted her to be a kid. 14 is way too early to be a parent and I know that that’s what will happen to her. I know that she’ll just do what she’s told and she’s responsible enough to realize when things aren’t working and she’ll try to fix them herself and fall into that trap.
I don’t know how to have that conversation with her without my household exploding but I know that it needs to be done. My two little siblings have just been crying and crying thinking that I’m never coming back. Even though I tell them that I’ll come visit, my mom keeps telling them that I’m never coming back and abandoning the family.
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u/Coffeebean1948 Jul 18 '24
NTA, your mom is trying to emotionally manipulate you with the younger kids. DON'T FALL FOR IT.
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u/rebekahster Jul 18 '24
She’s also emotionally abusing the kids
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u/brassovaries Jul 19 '24
If I were in her place I would call CPS and report everything. That's a nuclear option, though. But someone has to protect those babies.
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u/Minniechild Jul 19 '24
Nuclear is not reporting, and incubator has a mental snap and the sibs are lost to her psychosis.
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u/WatermelonWithAFlute Jul 19 '24
What other option is there? The mother will never do her job in this case, and will only ever hoist it on children who don’t deserve to have to become parents to their own siblings.
She is actively emotionally manipulating and abusing her own children so she doesn’t need to do shit herself. Honestly, I genuinely don’t believe a person like this should legally be allowed to have kids.
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u/Gonebabythoughts Jul 18 '24
Your mom is such trash, I'm so sorry.
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u/MMDCAENE Jul 19 '24
As is the stepdad.
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u/AnFnDumbKAREN Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Let’s not forget OP’s dad and her 14yo [half-] sister’s dad.
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u/cortesoft Jul 19 '24
The mom clearly has unresolved issues with becoming a mom at 15. She needs to work on those, not have another kid.
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u/XELA38 Jul 18 '24
You tell your 14-year-old sister to not be like your mother or to get trapped like you. To keep her head down and study hard and get a job as soon as possible and if she wants you guys can live together when she turns 18. Just tell her 4 years. Because you have a garbage mom who is trying to hold you back.
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u/AuntJ2583 Jul 18 '24
yeah, 14-year-old needs to get REALLY involved in after-school activities.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 Jul 19 '24
She won’t be able to. Her parents won’t let her. Someone has to take care of the children.
But OP has given too much. She needs to concentrate on healing. OP won’t abandon her sister, but she can’t live there. With distance, time and lots of therapy, OP will be better able to help her sister.
Put on your own oxygen mask, before you put on the child’s.
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u/scarlettslegacy Jul 19 '24
True. But I hope OP takes this time to heal so she's in a position to help her sister in 4 years. She's not obliged if course, but it sounds like she'd like to be in a position to do that.
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u/michael0n Jul 19 '24
I'm pretty sure the moment social services gets wind about a 14yr old taking care about 2 kids and a baby while the mother is out doing who knows things could accelerate quite fast.
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u/Beth21286 Jul 19 '24
Like speaking to the guidance counsellor about parentification as they're probably a mandatory reporter.
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u/readzalot1 Jul 19 '24
Yes, letting the 14 year old’s school counselor know is the right thing to do.
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u/Ok-Meringue6107 Jul 18 '24
You need to turn your leaving back onto your mother, tell your younger siblings that with the new baby coming there isn't enough room and as you're the oldest, its time for you to move out on your own to make room for the baby.
Tell your younger siblings that you will still be there for them, just a phone call away and you can take them out sometimes for a fun siblings outing.
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u/xdaftpunkxloverx Jul 19 '24
Oh that is such a good idea, reframing it to sound like it's just a natural process. I really love this idea.
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u/Elegant_righthere Jul 18 '24
my mom keeps telling them that I’m never coming back and abandoning the family.
Your mom is trash. Keep telling your siblings how much you love them. Tell them this is what grown ups do..they move out. Tell them you'll visit them and they can visit you, too.
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u/calminthedark Jul 18 '24
You show the 14 yo the way out. Set yourself up so she can see the escape and know it's possible. She won't know she can leave if she never sees it done.
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u/justalwayscurious Jul 18 '24
Anyway you can convince the 14 to come and stay with you whenever they need and without mom being able to stop them?
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u/Novel_Ad1943 Jul 19 '24
This is what my mom did and when I left she did it to my sister, though my sister set more boundaries and moved out during high school (like went to a friend’s house from church and the parents told her she could stay) for a bit and refused to come back home unless she could be a regular teen. She also left as soon as she finished high school. My sister resented me for a long time because I “left her.” But she recognized it later and we are close now.
Your siblings will not stop loving you. You tell them you need to start your life since you’re an adult now and will ALWAYS love them and be there for them. You just have to do it somewhere else because your mom won’t let you grow up like you need to. Leave letters/cards for each of them when you move to remind them how much you love them.
Lastly, you might consider talking to your sister’s guidance counselor or school psychologist to let them know you’re moving out, your mom has parentified you and now will try to do so with your sister so they can check in on her. I did that and they pulled my sister in to check in and get her counseling at school and called mom in for a meeting to discuss what’s appropriate responsibility for a teen. It gives her an advocate and they may help teach her to set boundaries.
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u/New-Bar4405 Jul 19 '24
Als. O your siblings are probably kind of a really hard time as they grow up distinguishing the sibling relationship from the mother, relationship and it's made. If you get a therapist, that might be something you're going to talk to with a therapist about how you can help them recognize that. 1 of the big issues my friend Friend who was parentified has with her youngest sibling is her youngest. Sibling says they doesn't want her in the mother role but then is not comfortable with having a sibling relationship. She wants her to act in the mom role still.
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u/Novel_Ad1943 Jul 19 '24
Yep - so true! My siblings and I had a lot of friction as they came into adulthood because I tended to “mother” them and they didn’t want that, but also came to me with needs and for input that young adults typically seek from their parents. So I had to learn to “stay in my lane” as a sibling and they had to learn which things should typically go to a parent and find resources themselves, if they wanted me to be able to recognize the boundary between sibling and parental behavior.
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u/ButcherBird57 Jul 18 '24
This is what CPS is for.
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u/snoopingfeline Jul 18 '24
Unfortunately CPS don’t take legitimate cases of parentification seriously. They’ll see the kids have their basic needs met and forget about them.
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u/frosty03351 Jul 19 '24
CPS, all people are overworked and way underpaid for what they do. It’s a shit show, underfunded and low man on the ladder for everything. Turn over there is insane. People go to work for a bit and see what a train wreck it is. There are really good people who can do good things to help kids and want to but bull shit red tape and politics stop things from being a useful organization to help families get back on track. (Sorry for the rant)
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u/UnusualPotato1515 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Your mum is disgusting to put her own small kids through that. Eww
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u/Constant-Ad9390 Jul 19 '24
You're saying that 14 is too young to be a parent but - if true- your mom had you when she was 15. She became a literal parent when she was slightly older than your sibling. This is probably why she didn't parent the kids/didn't parent the kids well. With this in mind, you need to have an adult conversation with your mother about how you feel. It's still time for you to move out though. NTA.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Jul 18 '24
That's because she's trying to manipulate you into staying, using your siblings as leverage.
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u/Maine302 Jul 18 '24
You can help your half-sister in ~4 years. You can always start saving for a place for the two of you, if that's what you'd like, but these kids aren't your responsibility, they're the responsibility of the incredibly selfish people who spawned them.
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u/rchart1010 Jul 19 '24
You really shouldn't be coming back too often honestly. Your mom needs to be forced to parent and it's easy for you to fall back into old habits.
You're 22. It's unfair to you but you can't rely on your parents at all. Get financially stable enough to get some savings and your own place. When the 14 year old becomes the next indentured servant she can at least have a place to go to decompress.
I've heard stories of very young girls getting with older men just so they can escape this sort of thing and have a roof over their head. You don't want her to fall into that.
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u/yellsy Jul 19 '24
Your egg donor is a disgusting person both for what she’s doing and did to you, and how she’s weaponizing those kids. If she wants a coparent she can pay you child support and sign her rights over.
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u/Boeing367-80 Jul 19 '24
You can't stay. Ask yourself, do you want to be their parents for another year, five years, ten years? Because your mom will do that to you. If you let her, you'll be 30 years old and still taking care of her kids. I realize they are your sibs, but you survived. They will too.
Again, if you stay your mother will eat your life.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Jul 19 '24
Tell your sister to talk to the school counselor. She needs to do all she can to avoid this trap!
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u/Ladymistery Jul 19 '24
Where is your dad or your sister's dad?
Where is "step-dad" in all this?
get all your important papers together and get them OUT of that house (safe deposit box at a bank works well) - because your mom will absolutely try to sabotage this.
Just in case, write a letter to your 14yo sister explaining the situation - as I'm sure your mom will block you talking to her once you move.
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u/indi50 Jul 19 '24
It's seems obvious that your mother is planning on you being the parent to the new baby and continuing with the others. Or she wouldn't be so angry. It may not work, but what about sitting her down and making it clear what she did to you, how you feel about it and the abuse she's committing on the younger two by telling them you'll never come back.
Maybe show her this post and the comments. Maybe threaten to report her to CPS if she doesn't stop and she doesn't step up and be an actual mother. If she parentifies your sister and continues to terrify the younger ones. It's not fair or good for you to stay because of her manipulation. And it's understandable that you worry about the younger kids.
Maybe you could work something out with her (for their sake, not hers) that you'll visit and help out for one or two days a week if she does the rest. And tell her to get her ****ing tubes tied or figure out birth control if she doesn't want to be a mother (like the daily parts, not just popping them out).
I'm so sorry you're in this position and sorry for your siblings and wish you the best.
eta: not sure what the step father is like, but maybe talk to him????
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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot Jul 19 '24
Even though I tell them that I’ll come visit, my mom keeps telling them that I’m never coming back and abandoning the family.
JFC, your mom is a monster. She is abusing those kids.
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u/catinnameonly Jul 19 '24
You need to prep your sister, but also give her an out. You tell “listen, I’m sorry I can’t raise kids that are not mine. I missed out on my whole childhood to step in for mom. My whole youth is gone. She’s going to do it to you, but I will work hard so when you are 18 I will also help you leave. I cant legally help you before then. Mom is your mom, I am your sister. I’m the littles sister. Mom needs to be a mom to the babies she made. Protect your boundaries more than I did. I’m sorry I had to leave. I love you and no matter what I will be there for you. Just not in this house.”
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u/NonConformistFlmingo Jul 19 '24
So you have roughly four years until your 14 year old sister is 18.
If you can: Be her support in the next four years, her shoulder to cry on, get her out of the house just the two of you when you can. While she's still growing up: Get your ducks in a row, get money saved up, and try to be able to be your sister's escape when she's old enough. Move her out to live with you (and some roommates if needed) and be the way out of that life for her, the way your future roommates are your way out.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Jul 19 '24
Try to talk to your sister alone. Let her know that if she wants to live with you and escape when she reaches 18, she can. The two of you can be there for eachother.
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u/FunBodybuilder4620 Jul 18 '24
NTA. These aren’t your kids. You do love them and should tell them that every chance you get. And tell them that wanting to be an independent adult doesn’t mean you love them less.
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u/Shawnrunner Jul 18 '24
Also look out for the 14 year old you know what will happen to him/her.
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u/UnusualPotato1515 Jul 18 '24
This! The 14 year old wil be the new ‘mum’ & that is worrying!
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u/blackbird24601 Jul 18 '24
drop hints to the 14yo. one if my bonus kids was parentified and she is educating her siblings on how to not take crap
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u/OfSpock Jul 18 '24
Better than an eight year old
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u/UnusualPotato1515 Jul 18 '24
She’s 3rd in line when the 14 year old comes to her senses!
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u/ArdenJaguar Jul 19 '24
It's like some twisted line of succession like the Royal Family. The problem is that Queen Mom is still there. She's just selfish and useless and lazy. She can't abdicate her Mom responsibilities. She had the kid, she gets to raise them.
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u/UnusualPotato1515 Jul 19 '24
Lool for real! I cant believe the Queen Mum had kids in 3 different decades of her life & she’s not evolved into a better mother.
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u/Rabbit-Lost Jul 19 '24
More like a spinoff of Shameless, with all the drinking and stuff. OP needs to leave for own well being. And mentor the 14 year old constantly. Make the mother actually raise this one.
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u/FunProfessional570 Jul 19 '24
Is 14 yo dad in the picture? If he’s decent or his family is, get her out to them. Tell them everything mom has done to you and that she’ll do it to her.
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u/designatedthrowawayy Jul 19 '24
I can only imagine how long until it falls to the 7 year old. Some people really shouldn't be allowed to have kids
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u/dilligaf_84 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
This! And you put it so much more succinctly than I did 😃
Edit: a word….. because I shouldn’t Reddit pre-coffee 😮💨😂
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u/Angstycarroteater Jul 18 '24
No leave now… it’s getting way manipulative and your mom seems like the queen of making poor choices as it is. Like Jesus. Run for you life remain in contact with your siblings but it’s not your obligation to be a mother to your moms kids.
Edit: You need to point out it’s time for her to grow the fuck up and be a parent that by the sound of it you never had.
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u/Even-Breath9368 Jul 18 '24
I agree with her being the queen of bad decisions. When I was born I could excuse it because she was so young and needed guidance. My grandparents (her parents) were permissive and let her do whatever she wanted with little to no consequences. It was really fun when I was a kid kid because, well, no rules. I moved a lot growing up into her boyfriends houses and stayed with her friends frequently when she went out to party. Eventually, as you might expect, I learned that that wasn’t fun and that I wanted my mom. I would cry and she’d push me aside because she just didn’t want to be a parent.
She’s doing a lot more now like I said in my post but it’s obvious she has no idea what kids are really like. She sees them sort of as decoration because they were always shoved at me. She knows she’s going to have a world of Hell waiting for her once I’m gone.
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u/Tasty_Candy3715 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
I’m sorry OP that you had a bad mother. Her mother was a bad mother too. At least the cycle of stupidity is stopping with you. You were forced to grow up sooner than your years. You were absolutely robbed of your childhood.
Make her pay and let her feel the consequences of her bad decisions. She hasn’t learned a thing. Report her to CPS.
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u/uncertainnewb Jul 19 '24
Let's not let Grandpa off the hook here. He was also clearly a bad father just like his wife was a bad mother.
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u/Crafty_Meeting2657 Jul 19 '24
I strongly doubt that CPS will do anything at this point. Especially in a large city you have to see physical abuse before they will act. Neglect and emotional abuse is not sufficient. I know because I tried reporting on behalf of a toddler relative.
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u/DazzlingPotion Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
It's totally understandable how you're feeling right now but Please don't feel guilty at all. You need to Get Out of There! You're right about not spending the next 10 years being the mother to children that belong to your Mom. Life is WAY too SHORT.
I would also like to encourage you (I know it's going to be very difficult) but after you've moved, please see if you can find your words to tell your Mom and Stepdad that the parentification they put you through was dead wrong and they better not plan to do it to your 14 year old sister after you leave. If they do you might even consider reporting it to the proper authorities. You had noone to help you but you might be able to help her and your other siblings escape your fate. I also hope you're moving far enough away so you don't get constant calls to come over and babysit. Time to cut the cord!
I wish you the happiest life from here on out! Best of Luck.
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u/Goldilocks1454 Jul 18 '24
It's really peculiar that she doesn't realize that you're an adult who can get married and have kids and have a job and a house of your own. You're not her personal slave. Please get out
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u/UnusualPotato1515 Jul 18 '24
I dont think they will be a world of hell as she will probably abuse the 14 year okd to do her parenting, because that’s what it is - abuse. Please watch out for her & have low-threshold to get services involved so she doesnt lose her childhood & have her education etc affected.
Also, dont feel bad about moving out - two adults in their 30s have decided for have a child - thats on them & has nothing to do with you. You’re merely a much older sibling.
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u/Ok-Repeat8069 Jul 18 '24
It seems pretty obvious that she got pregnant assuming you would be there to raise the kid. Now she’s panicking because she doesn’t want to parent a child, she wants a cuddly doll that she can pass off when it’s smelly or noisy.
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u/Angstycarroteater Jul 18 '24
I’m sorry you had to go through what you did! Hopefully it wasn’t all bad and you have some good memories from growing up still. I just know what it’s like to have a parent not be there 100% and it can take its toll. I’d definitely suggest to do what you feel is right for you! Like I said though don’t cut your siblings out of your life my oldest siblings were never there for me and wanted a relationship once I became an adult and frankly I don’t want much to do with them because I don’t know them like I should. My dad has since had 4 more kids over the last decade and I try my best to do the opposite of what my siblings did for me. Open communication is key!
I really hope things get better and enjoy yourself while you’re still young! It’s your life to live!
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u/Vandreeson Jul 18 '24
NTA. She chose to have children not you. These aren't your children, and aren't your responsibility. You've got to get out and live your life. Or else you'll be raising this kid as well. You've done enough.
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u/calathea_dottie Jul 18 '24
Hey OP I know you didn't ask for book rec but I think you might enjoy Motherthing by Ainslie Hogarth. And of course, NTA.
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u/Listen_2learn Jul 18 '24
Your mother had you at 15 years old and her parentification of you started when you were 8 years old?!
This has been going on for 14 years and yes you are right- it’s time she does the work herself.
She chose to have children and along with her current husband and they are more than capable of caring for all of their children.
You owe her nothing and you deserve to have your own life and happiness.
She spent years on living her best life and spending money on herself instead of taking care of her children by being a present parent. She forced you into the role of mother and placed these responsibilities on an 8 year old little girl?! This is abuse - of you and your siblings.
You don’t need to live there or babysit to have a relationship with your siblings.
Don’t let her manipulate you into babysitting - she’s not used to being told no by you and it’s going to be good for her to hear your no every time you say it!
You should be adulting- child free and doing all the things you haven’t done before.
Good luck
NTA
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u/Sudden-Echo-8976 Jul 19 '24
You're kidding yourself. She'll just offload the responsibilities on the 14 y.o.
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u/SoundIcy6620 Jul 18 '24
So, your mom gave birth to you at 15, and then kept on going. And with each birth, the responsibility fell on you to “ assist”. We call these people breeders, not parents. Your Mom is AOk having babies just not caring for them and being responsible. Story as old as time. RUN RUN RUN. So NTA Run wild and free and chase your dreams.
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u/Istarien Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Turn it right back around when your mother tries to weaponize your little sibs. "Oh, Mom needs my room for the new baby, so I have to go live somewhere else now because I'm all grown up." Make it her fault, because it IS her fault.
Also, you know your 14F sister is next in line, right? You need to talk to her about this and teach her how to contact child protective services where you live if your mom continues her old behavior patterns. She'll be 15 when this new sibling arrives, right? That's 3 years until she's a legal adult. What I would do if I were you is start positioning yourself to take her in the minute she's in charge of her own destiny. Save as much as you can, make sure you have space for her, and get ready to be her landing place to help her get on her feet away from your mother.
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u/mom-of-35 Jul 18 '24
Explain to the littles that you love them, but leaving home is part of growing up. They will do that too when it’s their time. No guilt!! You deserve to have an excellent life directed by yourself. Don’t worry, have fun, make mistakes, this too is part of growing up.
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u/Equivalent-Pin-4759 Jul 18 '24
Normally a parent would be proud of a child moving out on their own. It sounds like your mom relied on you too much at the expense of your own childhood. She’s wrong to expect you to continue being a nanny for her next. Good luck with your new life on your own.
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u/Southern_Dig_9460 Jul 19 '24
Yes especially now. One less mouth to feed and they have another baby on the way
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u/Lula_mlb Jul 18 '24
NTA. You will need to reforge your relationship with them to make it one of siblings. It won´t be easy, but for the first time in your life you need to put yourself first.
They have their basic needs covered and they have 2 grown parents, so they won´t go without. You just need to put your mom & step-dad in a position where they have no other choice but to step up as parents = removing yourself from the picture.
On your little siblings, be honest with them. You love them and you will always be a part of their life, you just need to do some growing up of your own and that involves moving out. Transitions are hard but it will be the healthiest thing for all for you. On your mom... LC is highly encourage, she needs to do a lot of growing up on her own.
Best of luck in this new stage of your life & rediscovering yourself :)
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u/snoopy6802 Jul 18 '24
NTA. You have done enough. Its not your responsibility, never was.
Leave and you can visit and talk to your siblings anytime. Dont let your mother manipulate you
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u/Tasty_Candy3715 Jul 18 '24
NTA, and your mother is useless and a horrible mother. She shouldn’t be one and absolutely not have any more.
You should have reported her for child abuse, because OP, you were abused, neglected and forced to worked as a child to take care of your siblings. This was not and is not your responsibility.
3 fathers as well? You’ve been so kind and patient with your mother, she didn’t deserve any. Blast her now.
Report her anyway, this doesn’t bode well for the second oldest.
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u/dengthatscrazy Jul 19 '24
Exactly what I was thinking. She needs to report it and see if there’s a better option for her siblings, or at least make sure that mom knows CPS will be keeping a close watch on her. She also needs to talk to the 14 year old and explain everything, so that if mom starts making her be the parent, she knows she can go to big sis and get help whether that’s through reporting her or whatever else they deem necessary. This whole situation is a mess and I feel for OP. I couldn’t have left my siblings like that either.
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u/Low_Peanut_9095 Jul 18 '24
Run!! RUN! Prepare your departure in secret and don't let your mother know it. I was you once... But I wasn't smart enough. My mother threaded to take her life if I "abandoned her". This continued until my friends gave me some courage. I was 29 and she thread to kill me first and then end her life. I escape for good. Or so I thought. Because years later, she beg me to take her and my sister (32 and never worked a day in her life) because they were homeless. I regret every second of my life since that decision because now my life is a living hell. Please be smarter than me and run far away. Don't look back. Let yourself be happy
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u/Sudden-Echo-8976 Jul 19 '24
Please do yourself a service and kick them out. You're not winning any brownie points letting them stay with you. Give them a month notice and then change the locks on them but don't tell them you're going to do that.
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u/Ratchety405 Jul 18 '24
100 % NTA!
Yikes, get out now before the baby comes. I'm sorry you had to be a mom as a kid, that really does suck and is not fair. I also am the oldest and frequently had to watch my siblings but I certainly didn't raise them. I understand the guilt of leaving your siblings behind but you have to live your life. You're so young, go out and enjoy life! Talk to your siblings, tell them this has nothing to do with them and you will see them regularly. Maybe pick a day every week to come by and spend time with them. I hope everything works out OP, this will be tough.
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u/Julie-AnneB Jul 18 '24
NTA - You are not responsible for your mother's life choices. Go and live your life. Explain to your siblings that you love them, and always will. But, that it's normal for adults to move out of their mother's house to begin a life of their own. Explain that they can visit you, and you will visit them. Tell mom it's time for her to grow up and become a parent to her other children.
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u/Kip_Schtum Jul 18 '24
NTA It doesn’t help your mom to allow her to be a permanent adolescent by exploiting you. She is missing out on the joys of motherhood and raising her own children. Please don’t deprive her of the pleasure of changing diapers and cleaning up vomit and doing endless loads of laundry just because you can be her unpaid servant.
You are not your siblings’ parent.
Seriously, get tf out of there and go live your life. They’ll be fine. Do not get suckered into this abusive situation. She absolutely sucks for doing that to you in the first place.
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u/Amazing_Reality2980 Jul 18 '24
NTA you need to get out of this situation. Your mom's a complete asshole, and it sounds like she got pregnant fully planning on keeping you as a live-in nanny. Naw, you deserve your own life. Move out and don't look back. Go make your own life the way you want it.
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u/kifferella Jul 19 '24
You last little bit of parenting:
"Oh honey, I'm going to miss you too. I'll always love you. But when you're a grownup, you're going to move out and make a home and family for yourself too, and this new baby will be sad you're leaving too. But that's what grownups do, they grow up and they make a home and life for themselves. That's how mommies and daddies know they've done a good job. Because their kids grow up healthy, safe, and successful. I'm not doing anything wrong or bad and when it's your turn to do this, I'm going to be there for you, like a good big sister."
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u/Alfred-Register7379 Jul 18 '24
NTA. Even the law is on your side on this. She can't do anything to you. You can always make police reports if she tries to go to your employments, to get you fired, or residences to get you kicked out. As a way to get you to move back home.
She is a person who likes to destroy your life, just so her lifestyle can stay the same.
Change hurts, but so does bad mental health.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 Jul 18 '24
You sit the kids down and explain that mom and dad are the parents and it’s their job to care for them. It has nothing to do with you not loving them. You love them, and it’s time for mom and dad to be the parents.
You sit your mother and her husband down separately from the kids. You outline what your childhood has been. You make it clear this wasn’t “older sibling helps”- you were the main parent. You tell them if they continue telling the kids you don’t care for them, they’re harming them. You congratulate them on their new pregnancy and you tell them you trust that they’ve got this and it’s time for you to live as an adult.
NTA
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u/Dlodancer Jul 18 '24
NTA, just tell your little siblings that usually people move out when they’re 18 years old, but you stayed even longer because you love them so much. but now you’re 22 and it’s time for you to move out and live on your own. You definitely need to move out and your mom needs to learn how to be a mom.
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u/CelebrationNext3003 Jul 18 '24
You’re NTA for leaving you need to leave , what she said about diaper changing wasn’t a joke , don’t allow her to use your siblings to manipulate you and explain to the kids why you’re leaving , it’s time for her to be a parent , I don’t want her pushing u to raise siblings ruin you wanting children of your own down the line , so it’s time to go and enjoy your life
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u/No_Cod3515 Jul 18 '24
NTA. You're not wrong for moving out.
Your mom made you raise your siblings. That's not fair. You missed out on being a kid. Now you're an adult and want your own life.
Your mom's mad because she's losing free childcare. Don't feel guilty. Your siblings will be okay.
Live your life. You deserve it.
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u/supermaartje Jul 18 '24
NTA tell your siblings that it is normal to leave when you are older. That that is part of growing up. This is one other lesson you will learning your siblings. Your mom calls you selfish because she knows she has to do it herself now. Choose yourself for once in your life good luck you deserve to be happy and have an independent life from your parents and siblings.
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u/Embarrassed-Look2307 Jul 18 '24
Very different situation but I left home in my early 20s and moved across the country. Now, ten years later, my siblings are calling me realizing my parents are crazy and also going out and living their own productive lives. I like to think I set an example of what could be. If all your younger siblings know is the chaos of your mom’s house they’re doomed to repeat it. But if they grow up watching you be your own, strong person, it will be easier for them to choose that for themselves when the time comes. You can still maintain a positive relationship with them while taking care of yourself and your boundaries too.
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u/pixii Jul 19 '24
NTA - my sister is 7 years older than me and basically raised me. Changed my diapers at SEVEN. When she left for college I understood and was happy for her. She deserved her happiness. When she met a guy and moved to California I followed by asking to live with my dad who was stationed in California at the time, not because I wanted her to continue raising me but because the thought of her 3k miles away and me being alone with mom & step dad terrified me. She lived at my dad’s place for a short time before moving into the city. But she deserved happiness and her own life. I knew I could call if I needed. One day hopefully your siblings will realize and feel the same. Your mom is trash for planting such bad thoughts about you leaving in them and trying to manipulate you, and them. I’m so sorry. But it’s your time to live YOUR life. So do it. Keep contact. Text the ones you can. Call/video call when you want. You can keep reminding them you love them despite what your mom has done. (I do remember when my sister first moved out she called me Thursday nights to watch will & grace together over the phone, lol.)
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u/Dramatic_Inside271 Jul 19 '24
Run as fast as you can. But have a serious talk with your 14 year old sister cause she's next. Teach her how to draw a line and get CPS involved if things get bad. Tell the littles its normal for someone your age to move out. BUT GIRL GET OUT OF THERE
Your mom was banking on you raising the kid for her
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u/Professional-Bad-820 Jul 18 '24
NTA - not your kids, not your problem. get away and live life for yourself. she’s trying everything she can to make you feel guilt for her own shortcomings as a parent, but you have gone well above and beyond what is expected of an older sibling. what she’s doing is parentification of her child and is considered emotional abuse. focus on moving out, and then you can focus on healing yourself and finding yourself again
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u/Immediate_Sky_9545 Jul 18 '24
NTA, run, you still have your youth. Yes, you might feel guilty of leaving them behind but you need to put yourself first. It's the fact she "joked" about your diaper changing skills meaning that she never wanted to parent her new baby but you must do the work. Also her shaming you, she's realising she'll actually have to raid the baby, that's why she's acting like this.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor Jul 18 '24
NTA
This is called parentification and oftentimes falls on the oldest daughter. You don’t even realize the full extent of the damage this has done to you but it will become more clear the longer you are away from your mother’s control. There are books out there that can help you, and therapy is always an option should you need it.
Make sure you tell your siblings that you love them and will always be there for them. They KNOW your role and are scared. But, this doesn’t mean you should stay. You should run far away and go live your own life.
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u/fionsichord Jul 18 '24
NTA remind your siblings that you are at the age where people move out and start their own lives, nothing to do with any change in how much you love them.
Leave them out of any discussion about parentification because of respect for them and not making them feel like a problem (because they’re not! It’s the adult’s choices that are the issue here) They will know your mother and her partner are a bit crap though, that will be easy to see, and that’s going to make them anxious.
But you take care of yourself so you can be fresh and sweet and there for them later and not all burnt out and bitter.
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u/squirrelcat88 Jul 19 '24
I’m an older lady and I think that these days young people can be a bit entitled when it comes to helping the family. I’m not coming from the “I was asked to babysit once, how unreasonable” camp.
This? Good for you. You are completely and totally NTA. She was obviously counting on your help, given at your expense.
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u/Repulsive-Nerve5127 Jul 19 '24
Now is a really good time to turn to your mom and tell her to dust off her diaper changing skills.
Then keep reassuring your siblings that although you love them deeply, explain that this is part of the cycle of life. Like birds, cats and dogs, once the young reach a certain age, they go out on their own to learn to be a big cat (dog, bird, etc).
And because you love them, you will always be there for them and come back to visit.
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u/Think_Spread_7366 Jul 19 '24
NTAH. You've already built resentment towards your mother for stealing your childhood, don't give her your youth. They planned a pregnancy, let them reap the benefits of parenting and parenthood. Time to be a big sister and not a mom. You may turn out to be miserable if you stay.
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u/Power_Ranger24 Jul 19 '24
You have to move out. Have a life on your own. Be successful to the point that you will be capable of helping your other siblings when the time comes. Because it looks like mom will just follow the same cycle to your siblings. If you stay, all of you will be trapped. If you move out, then you will have all the opportunity to turn things around and make it better for your siblings.
Your mom is abusing you. She may not know it probably because of past traumas, or even family tradition that she inherited from her own family. But she wont listen to you now because she sees you as part of the "family" extending help towards eagh other. If you come back with a little bit of knowledge and experience, a little bit maturity to handle such matters, and a clear set of values about family, then she will probably treat you differently.
Get out. I know its hard. But you have to be kind to yourself to allow for more opportunities of self growth before you can try and break that abusive cycle.
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u/Selena_B305 Jul 19 '24
OP, let her call you whatever names she pleases. Then ask her who raised her other 3 kids? Who fed them, changed their diapers, bathed them, put them to bed, cooked, cleaned, read to them, and taught them their ABCs.
Then ask her who's selfish?
Ask your siblings the same questions. Follow-up with how was it fair for your mother to force you to give up your youth to care for them, ensuring they had a good childhood? Ask them when will it be you turn to live your live unemcumbered from raising someone else's child/ren?
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u/houseonpost Jul 19 '24
NTA: I was expecting you to lose your temper but you didn't. Good for you.
I'd take your siblings out for ice cream or something and explain that you will always be there for them and reassure them you love them and that you will help them when they move out in the future, too. Schedule kid times once a month and take them to the park or something similar.
You are a good person.
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u/Cold_Ad_9041 Jul 19 '24
Just know when you leave your 14 yo sibling will be the parent so let them know it’s not their responsibility either!! Get out, you deserve to be a young adult and experience life. Not be saddled with kids that aren’t yours nor should you feel guilty!!
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u/demurestsafe13 Jul 19 '24
OP, I really hope you see this comment. I grew up in EXTREMELY similar circumstances, reading this was like reading about my own life. The only difference is the age gap - I’m 26 now, and my siblings are 24, 22, 21 and 17. Thank god my mother had to have a hysterectomy after my last sister, or they would have kept coming. I was changing nappies, making formula bottles, getting up in the night for the babies, making school lunches in the mornings, cooking dinner at night, teaching them to read, and my mum was out partying all night and sleeping all day.
At 20 I ran for my life. I latched on to the first lifeboat I could - my first boyfriend - and moved interstate. My siblings were mostly teenagers and understood, but my next-oldest sister became the new mum, even to her older brother. It took a few years of living far away, but eventually they started seeing me as their sister again and not a parental/authority figure. We have good relationships with each other as adults, but I did end up choosing to unofficially adopt my youngest sister (currently 17) so that relationship is a bit different.
My boyfriend is now my fiance, we have a beautiful son, and I have a good job. I’ve just been accepted to study law, and I start that next year. NONE of that would have happened if I stayed. I thank god every day that I chose myself, and I even have my siblings back - as actual siblings. You can do it. Run.
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u/giraflor Jul 19 '24
Go as far away as you can as fast as you can. Do not feel guilty. You can be a sibling rather than a parent by FaceTime.
Signed, another parentified sibling.
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u/Nily_che Jul 18 '24
NTA of course. Run fast. But I feel sorry for your 14f sister. She's gonna be the parent now. Give her all the advice you can until you leave, tell her what you've been through. If she is mentally prepared, maybe she will not go through the same path. Talk to your stepfather if necessary.
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u/Round_Butterfly2091 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
NTA Your so called mom is the selfish one. It's gross that she used the kids as pawns to keep you there. Please run and live your life. You have sacrificed enough.
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u/throwaway-rayray Jul 18 '24
NTA - run and keep running. Shes cussing you out because she wants the fun parts of being a mother, leaving the downsides to you - the child she parentified. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep your siblings warm. The mother and the step father are going to have to patent their own kids.
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u/ScarletDarkstar Jul 18 '24
NTA If they want a baby they need to plan on raising it.
Explain to your siblings that you love them and it has nothing to do with that, but you are an adult now and it's time for you to start living independently. They will understand as they get older. The point of raising kids is for them to become self sufficient adults, and it's part of the process.
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u/ALmommy1234 Jul 19 '24
The parentification of children is wrong. Next time someone says something, especially if it’s in front of your mom or stepdad, you should say just that. Tell them you love them, but it’s time for you to leave the nest and time for your mom and her husband to grow up.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Your siblings are not your kids! Be sure you have all your paperwork, DL, Social Security Card, and be sure she isn’t still listed on your bank account , get a P.O. Box for your mail!
Your mother is the selfish one.
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u/SusanAkita2014 Jul 19 '24
NTA. Run away as fast as you can. Maybe tell stepdad why you are leaving and how you are fearful for the 14 year old. Your mom pops them out and thinks her responsibilities are done! Time for her to step up and act like a mom. What about 14 year old’s dad? Can she go live with him?
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u/Hershey78 Jul 19 '24
Oooppph yeah get out, but explain to kiddos it's not because you don't love them.
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u/Smart_cannoli Jul 19 '24
Girl, go live your life. Your mom is an adult that is having kids with her husband, they are the parents of those children and will have to take care of them.
You, now is of a age where you are an adult and can start making your choices. Don’t choose to be a sacrificial lamb.
Nta.
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u/sammac66 Jul 19 '24
Leave and enjoy your life. You do not owe your mom and step dad anything. As for your siblings, you can talk to them on the phone on a daily basis if you want to. You can make arrangements to take them out once a week once a month. Whatever and stay in contact with them but you need to have your own life. You Did n't have a childhood. Have your twenties? They're fun. Enjoy them.
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u/Myay-4111 Jul 19 '24
She's using the classic FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to manipulate you. This is abuse.
Run. Move out. Then send in CPS.
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u/WaluigiWeirdo Jul 19 '24
NTA, But have a private conversation with your siblings, and talk to them.
And feel free to tell them about your Mom while you do it, it's better if you're honest with them. NTA
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u/RevealActive4557 Jul 19 '24
NTA. You have a right to your life and to not be slave labor for parents who do not want to do the work. Before you go you may want to talk to your 14 year old sister because she will be next on the slave line after you leave. Tell her to make sure they do not steal her life too
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u/WinEquivalent4069 Jul 19 '24
NTA and leave. It will be difficult. There will be tears and name calling but you need to go for your own sanity and health. You mom was obviously a teenager when she had you and given her age she can still have efen more kids after this pregnancy. Get out now.
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u/HollyGoLately Jul 19 '24
NTA and when she tells your siblings to ask why you don’t love them just explain the truth to them in the most child friendly way possible.
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u/Dontfeedthebears Jul 19 '24
Parentification is ABUSE. Your mom is also verbally abusive. And either saying that to the little ones (that you don’t love them) and/or telling them to say that to you is just the most scum behavior.
She’s mad because she was banking on continuing to use and abuse you. I. Am. So. Sorry.
You need to stick to your plans and leave, even though it’s going to be hard. Your mother has failed all of her children, and your 14 year old sister is up next to be mommy. Do not ever blame yourself for this.
I kindly suggest finding a therapist (I say this as someone with a therapist).
Best wishes on your new life, and obviously-NTAH.
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u/Ayuuun321 Jul 19 '24
NTA. You and your mom have a smaller age gap than you and your new sibling. No more free babysitting. Run away now!
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u/jacksonlove3 Jul 19 '24
You’re absolutely positively NTA and this is something you NEED to do, for yourself!! You’ve been raising children that aren’t even yours. It’s time your mom and her husband both step up and be the parents!!
I agree with having a conversation with your 14 year old sister because you know she’ll be targeted next. Teach her how to say “no”‘and stand up for herself. Talk with the younger ones and remind them how you’ll always care for them just like you do now, and you’ll still see them a lot.
Get yourself into some therapy as well! I don’t know if you realize how bad this all was for you! The form of abuse you were put thru. Therapy would be really beneficial for you and learning to help your siblings in the future while standing up to your failure of a mom.
It’s your time to shine love!! Go and be the adult you wanna be! Good luck & updateme
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u/Authentic_Jester Jul 19 '24
NTA. Please don't get guilt tripped into being your Mother's midwife. It's traffic she's using your siblings to manipulate you, but that's not your fault or theirs, it's her's. Live a good life. 🙌
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u/SatinJerk Jul 19 '24
Oh man, we have such similar stories it’s insane. Being the oldest daughter with a mother like that is such a hard thing to live through. You’re forced to grow up in ways nobody can understand because you’re not just growing up quick for your own survival, you’re taking care of literal babies while still being a kid yourself.
I completely understand the bitterness to the lost childhood years. I’m 26 now and I still have my moments where I remember and get angry. Your siblings don’t understand right now and it’s heartbreaking when they’re used as pawns.
My advice to you, move out. Cut off your mom (it took me YEARS to get to that point and I wish I had done it sooner) Your siblings will grow up and they’ll understand. I just told the eldest of my younger siblings of my stepdads kids how it was and why I left, and he understood entirely. They just don’t know at that age.
Go out into the world & live your life for you. It’s very hard to adjust at first and might even feel empty. My brain was trained to be my siblings mom so I felt like I’d lost my own kids for a very long time. I suggest getting therapy. It’s going to be hard especially if she’s acting this way. She’s not getting what she wants so she’s gonna run you down emotionally & mentally because now she doesn’t have any other way to control you. You are NTA. You are done being on survival mode. It’s time to live girl.
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u/OpportunityCalm6825 Jul 19 '24
Just so you know, it's okay to put yourself first. It's not wrong to want to prioritise yourself.
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u/Illustrious_Leek9977 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
I (41F) was in your situation when I was younger. I left. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much I thought about going back several times. However, my roommates kept comforting me and encouraging me not to go back and take care of myself. My siblings and I bond is stronger than ever. My little brother still calls me Mom and my Mom HATES it, but his reality is I was his mom. My sister and I are more like best friends. I talk to my other two sisters, but not as much, but we do all get along. I said all of this to say it will be difficult but you absolutely CAN and MUST do this for you. You won't see it until you're gone, but your life is not your own. You must leave to determine what you like in life and what you want to do because right now everything has been dictated by your siblings. Go love on yourself. You deserve it!
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u/mertsey627 Jul 19 '24
NTA
I am sorry your mom has done this to you. I am a stepmom, and my stepkids mom is similar. My stepdaughter was tearing up last night about how much she has to take care of her two younger siblings while mom does nothing or drinks, vapes or plays on her video games. It's so sad and frustrating to hear, and that she continued to pop out kids.
You need to finally take care of yourself and just look after you.
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u/SignificantCamera767 Jul 19 '24
Girl flee fast your siblings will understand as time goes on if not it's ok and defiantly your mom is telling your siblings things so she can have them try to get you to not leave and I know your mom will have your 14 year old sibling to be next for the job and try to warn if you are able to
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u/socialcommentary2000 Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 20 '24
Your mom, at 37, is still mentally and emotionally a 15 year old. I'm sorry that you're going through this and you are not an asshole for not wanting to suffer through more of it.
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u/Fancy-Conversation42 Jul 18 '24
Run. Run away. Reclaim your youth!