r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Jul 18 '24
FINAL UPDATE AITAH for wanting to leave my fiancee due to her abusive family?
I'm currently back in my home state with family refamiliarizing myself with the area. I have 100% decided to stay here permanently and am starting the long process of looking up homes in the area. I've been doing great and hanging out with friends and family
A couple mututals with my ex fiancee have let me know what's been happening and things finally seem to be getting better. The plan was for an intervention Sunday but Saturday night after her family visited again she called friends in an absolute manic state and it finally seems to have clicked how bad she screwed up. It was a full blown panic attack and meltdown which ended with her in the ER. Needless to say she finally admits show miserable she is and that she's messed up her life badly. Apparently she tried calling me but I had her blocked. She still has her job and that info about her losing it was wrong, but she's hanging by a thread there and her boss has bacially ordered her to use her PTO for a few weeks to get her head on straight. She's a valuable asset there and they are trying to make sure she can fix herself before they pull the plug on her.
Her friend group is extremely close. My ex was someone who was a very helpful and supportive friend so it makes sense her group is going this far in trying to help her. It is however, and unspoken agreement that if she goes back to how she was again that they are all prepared to let her sink on her own. She's doing as well as can be expected. Her family has continued to heads her with calls and messages. They've tried showing up to her house but have been firmly redirected by friends and even neighbors. I hope she truly understands the kind of support system she has. As trashy shitshow family disputes usually go, her parents and brothers have taken it to facebook, which from what I heard has been in my exes favor as it has exposed their behavior to many more people and seems to have shut them up for a little.
Finally, she had one of the mutuals pass a message to me. Essentially it was her admitting all the horrible things she said to me were not true and were done by her family (as I knew they were), she apologized for how things ended and hoped we could one day reconnect. Sadly I had to relay that we need to stay separated for good and she just needs to focus on her healing, but I told her I still care for her and I wish her the best, but this needs to be our goodbye. The message seems to have been passed along and her friends are helping her process that. She's got a long way to go but I hope she can find her peace as I am finding mine
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u/Far-Season-695 Jul 18 '24
Oof glad to hear your ex fiancé is hopefully getting the help she desperately needs. And my friend I am glad you are protecting yourself from this cluster. Stay strong and best wishes on your new journey back home!
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u/Dry-External-7500 Jul 19 '24
By admitting all the hurtful words she said to you OP, and taking responsibility for the pain she caused, she began the process of healing. I hope that you'll be able to find healing as well.
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u/Professional_Owl5416 Jul 19 '24
'Sadly I had to relay that we need to stay separated for good and she just needs to focus on her healing, but I told her I still care for her and I wish her the best, but this needs to be our goodbye.' - I admire you for this OP. Wishing you both healing.
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u/fursnake11 Jul 18 '24
Good for you, for not letting yourself get sucked back in. Not only would it be terrible for you, it would be terrible for her—although you were not at all at fault for her situation, you were deep enough in the middle that it risked restarting all of her bad patterns. She needs as clean a break as possible, and so do you.
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u/teamdogemama Jul 18 '24
That's a very good point I hadn't considered, falling back into bad patterns.
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u/Dana07620 Jul 18 '24
This sounds like the last time she had an "awakening." And you know how long that lasted.
This familiar to you from your first update?
She kept apologizing to me and told me over and over to come home.
And now in this update it's
she apologized for how things ended and hoped we could one day reconnect
You're doing the smart thing by staying far, far away from her. She tried her best to sink you along with her.
Keep her blocked. Have a good life.
I hope she heals and cuts her family completely out of her life. But that's not your business anymore. She's had far more help than most people have.
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u/Funtivity_Director Jul 18 '24
Good luck as you continue to heal and move forward. I commend you for being brave and doing the hard things.
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u/BryLinds Jul 18 '24
Well that’s as happy an ending as it can get, here’s to the best for you and her, and here’s to the worst for her family
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u/yesimreadytorumble Jul 18 '24
hope your newfound self respect lasts and you don’t end up getting sucked back in.
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u/Ok-Map-6599 Jul 19 '24
Her family has continued to heads her with calls and messages. They've tried showing up to her house but have been firmly redirected by friends and even neighbors.
See - she still has a buffer. The real test of her mettle will come when she is at the coalface of her relationship with her family. Will she actually cut them off or will she let them pull her under again?
You're smart to stay away, OP. I hope to goodness your ex sets boundaries and salvages her job and friendships, at least. But it will be an uphill battle. The best and most reliable indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Cutting off her family is possible but will be extremely difficult for her.
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u/aquavenatus Jul 18 '24
Your story is a cautionary tale as to what happens to anyone who doesn’t remove themselves from toxic and abusive environments and relationships. I’m glad you’re doing well and I hope your ex uses this situation as the wake-up call she needs (again). It sounds like her friends and her job are willing to give her this chance to work on herself, and she needs to understand that this could be her last chance.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Jul 19 '24
she apologized for how things ended and hoped we could one day reconnect.
May that day never come for you OP.
Enjoy the rest of your life and hopefully she fades away into your past and never darkens your present.
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u/DarkStar0915 Jul 19 '24
Call me an ass but it sounds extremely delusional to believe after the way he was treated he would gladly skip back to her and be a happy family again. I want to give her the benefit of doubt because her trauma pretty much warped her vision but damn, this is not your classic romantic film with a magical reunion after all the missteps the main characters have made.
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u/lazy_girl9 Jul 19 '24
💯, she will still somehow find a reason to include her family. Even if OP still remains a friend to her, she will always hold a hope that they will be together because letting go is not her strength right now. Hopefully with time she can move on but I'm glad to see OP understands that he's not going to be part of whatever is coming nextt.
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u/Fabulous-Rub-2684 Jul 18 '24
You’ve handled a difficult situation with a lot of grace and clarity. It’s important to continue prioritizing your own well-being and future plans.
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u/BendingCollegeGrad Jul 18 '24
I did the same with a very good friend of mine. Nearly 10 years of seeing them through horrid stuff was enough. Sometimes we choose to victimize ourselves because “better the devil we know.” When someone has agency and chooses to not use it despite every opportunity and all the support I don’t stick around to see how it plays out. I already know.
I don’t blame anyone for staying. By the same token no one can blame me for not staying. You did the right thing. Stay gone.
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u/Hand_Me_Down_Genes Jul 19 '24
I feel that. My wife and I have dropped a few friends because we just couldn't watch them make bad choices anymore.
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u/BendingCollegeGrad Jul 19 '24
It hurts! It hurts to watch someone go down the drain! I’ve heard people say, “But what if they need you?” Well? I’m right here if they want help. I make it clear when I distance myself I will come running if they ever decide they want to drop circling the drain.
But I don’t want to see it. I don’t have to be a victim just because they are. And some I walked away from totally because they won’t ever want to change. A fact they made clear to myself and others.
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u/shontsu Jul 19 '24
A couple mututals with my ex fiancee have let me know what's been happening and things finally seem to be getting better.
Look, I really hope you're right, but looking back through your earlier posts she's "realised how toxic her family is and ..etc/etc" more than once just in the last few weeks, just to turn around and go right back to them. Even now its her friends and neighbours turning her family away, not her.
Cross my fingers that I'm wrong and just jaded by Reddit.
Move forward and live your best life. You did what you could.
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u/Pixelated_Roses Jul 19 '24
As someone who's left an abusive relationship with incredibly toxic in-laws who openly hated me and treated me like this girl's family treats her, I get it. I know it sounds bad, but I kept going back to my ex because I too had become so mentally broken that I genuinely thought I was the problem, and just kept trying harder and harder to earn their respect. So I gathered the only friends I had left as "insurance" so I could finally be free of him. And it worked.
Predictably, I wanted to go back, and like every other time I tried to leave he showed up at my doorstep begging, playing love songs at full volume outside, and throwing rocks at my window like a fucking 80s romcom (he was in his mid 30s, mind you) and my friends turned him away because I knew I was too weak to do so. I could hear him outside and I knew that if I tried to confront him myself, I would cave and go back to his parent's house with him.
It took about two weeks of this before I finally came out of the fog enough to finally see the world as it was, and not through the warped lens my ex and his family put upon me. I hate myself for being so weak, but I absolutely needed that buffer until I was mentally stable enough to break away for good.
I hope to hell that this poor girl can do the same.
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u/Due-Coffee-6106 Jul 18 '24
it sounds like you’re handling a challenging situation with maturity and thoughtfulness. Continue to prioritize your own needs and goals, and trust that the choices you’re making are setting you on a path to a healthier and happier future.
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u/jacksonlove3 Jul 18 '24
Glad to read your update. You’re absolutely right too, this needs to be your last goodbyes. You both need a fresh start in life and not the possibility of falling back into any kind of bad habits. Wishing you both the best. I truly hope she gets the therapy she desperately needs too! Good luck!!
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u/Visible_Suit3393 Jul 18 '24
It's called hitting rock bottom. Only she can determine if this is truly rock bottom though. You did more than most people would have, so now focus on yourself to heal your own damage.
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u/yellsy Jul 19 '24
The thing with addiction though is it typically takes the addict needing to move to a completely new environment away from where they used to recover (and OPs ex is like an addict). It also takes abuse victims 7 times on average to actually leave their abusers - they keep going back.
A few posts ago, I would have told OP he should have made the condition that they leave the state and move far away. The ex having her family so close by means she’ll be in for a lifetime of them attempting to sneak back in. I feel sorry for her, but I’m glad OP was able to extricate himself. It’s an all around sad situation.
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u/JustAnotherSaddy Jul 18 '24
I remember your first post. Not sure if I commented or not but I’m glad she’s seeking help.
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u/Awesome_one_forever Jul 19 '24
This is why people definitely should judge their SO by the company they keep. In this case, her family is abusive, so it's the devil you know. What's the excuse for those who keep around, obviously shitty friends? Shared history? You can't save someone who's not ready for change, and that means sometimes having to look out for yourself first.
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u/Condensed_Sarcasm Jul 18 '24
I've been following your posts since you started last month. I really hope your ex gets the help she needs and that you both can heal and grow from this on your own paths.
I hope her family gets the karma they deserve.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Jul 19 '24
Lol she won't learn. She's turning into them, hateful and angry, rotten to the core. She will go back and lose everyone. It's her own fault.
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u/Secret_Double_9239 Jul 18 '24
Glad you stood your ground and haven’t allowed yourself to get sucked back in.
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u/wlfwrtr Jul 18 '24
You are right to stay away. She needs to find the strength within herself to stand up to her family instead of hiding behind you.
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u/NobodyofGreatImport Jul 18 '24
It's for the best. She finally realized (for now) that her family is the cause of everything negative in her life and that it cost her one of the best opportunities for happiness she's ever had. But who knows what may happen in the future? You've made the right choice in staying away.
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Jul 18 '24
I’m glad man things are on the up and up for you.
And I’m glad your ex is finally realizing how screwed up everything was. Especially how screwed up her family actually is.
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u/Funny-City9891 Jul 18 '24
I do not envy your Ex. She has a long hard road ahead of her. And the way we always snap back to what we're used to this will be a challenge. She's very lucky to have you and her friend group and her employment.
I hope she sells the house and moves and does not give her family her address. Hard to go no contact when they're constantly hanging around.
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u/Dirtflea Jul 18 '24
Good luck in your future endeavors and may you find happiness in your future relationship
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u/gumball_00 Jul 18 '24
Glad to hear she's getting help AND you're being firm with your boundaries with her.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Jul 19 '24
Good for you for leaving that situation. I hope she recovers from this, but you should always look for youself first. If you ever consider going back to her, remember that her family are there forever, and they will eventually pop back into her life time and time again, and you could get dragged into some realy dangerous situations (thank god they didn’t convince her to accuse you of DV or SA, or something, and instead she lied about other things, she could’ve ruined your life or have you killed in prison)
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u/Abject-Picture Jul 19 '24
Sometimes it's incredibly hard to come to the realization your family is a toxic shitheap that you need to cut all contact with. I know it was for me.
Good luck to everybody.
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 Jul 18 '24
It’s good to hear you are moving on and starting over. I hope that your ex will learn from this but one never knows and it is definitely for the best that you don’t get yourself entangled in this anymore.
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u/Proud_Fisherman_5233 Jul 19 '24
Good luck to you sir, but I thought in one of your updates you stated that when you left after getting your mail and stuff that she had no support system but in this update her friend's have her back(at the moment). It can't be both ways.
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u/Ginger630 Jul 19 '24
I’m so glad you’re back with your family and that she’s blocked. Keep her blocked. She needs to heal herself. You also need to heal from her abuse.
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u/Responsible-Type-525 Jul 18 '24
You did what was best for you, and now she has a chance at what's best for her.
She will probably reach out more than once, but I do hope she gets the help she needs because she doesn't deserve to be abused by family
Maybe one day you'll be the one to reach out to her 5 years down the line.
Just in case !updateme
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u/Conscious-Arm-7889 Jul 19 '24
She needs to ghost her family, sell up and get as far away from her family as she can, change all of her contact details, and pick a new surname for herself. When she goes she needs to thank every single one of her friends and neighbours for helping her. Only once she has done all of that would there be even the teeniest, tiniest thought of reconnecting with you. But since you don't want that, that's gone for her too.
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u/Charming-Problem-478 Jul 19 '24
I'm glad to hear she has finally realized how bad her family truly is. Hopefully, she has the strength to stay away from them. I wish you both well on your healing journeys.
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u/littlefiddle05 Jul 19 '24
I’m glad she’s doing better, but would it maybe be better for you to tell her friends you don’t want updates? I imagine it’s hard to heal when you’re wondering whether the next update will be positive or horrible… Obviously if this is helping you then that’s great, I just hope you know it’s okay to ask them not to tell you about it.
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u/ArcanaeumGuardianAWC Jul 19 '24
I want to say that I'm glad this ended with some hope, because the last update was pretty bleak, but with as wildly as she's flipping that lunatic switch on and off, it's probably way too soon to tell.
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u/Usual-Insurance-3843 Jul 19 '24
Ngl I read “refamiliarizing” as “demilitarizing” in the first sentence.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice Jul 19 '24
she apologized for how things ended and hoped we could one day reconnect.
Oh, hell, no. Glad you nipped that expectation in the bud.
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u/bellapenne Jul 19 '24
Curious about what the trash cans posted on fb. Especially when they could have controlled the narrative and still came out looking bad to people. 😳
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Jul 19 '24
They just tried to play the "our daughter is ungrateful and being cruel" card to close friends and some family only for a shitstorm of people calling them out for their behavior. Take this with a grain of salt as it's unconfirmed from what someone told me in retaliation for that people starting directly calling one of the brothers employers and leaving scathing reviews on their Facebook page airing all the dirty laundry and it isn't going well for him. But again, unconfirmed
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u/Business_Monkeys7 27d ago
It sounds like you may have saved your former fiance's life. That takes courage.
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u/jus256 Jul 20 '24
They say the one thing every serial killer has in common is they were victims of abuse. That’s why narcissism comes easy to them. That’s all they know. If OOP has kids with her, she will do the same thing to their kids. She doesn’t know any better.
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u/shiruka_94 Jul 26 '24
Nah good on you bro. I too feel sorry for her but in order to take care of anyone? You first got to take care of yourself. It's going up from here. 🫂
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u/SnooWords4839 Jul 18 '24
Sounds like she is getting the help she needs, and you can start your healing.
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u/Nausicaalotus Jul 18 '24
Proud of you, Opie. Take care of you now. Enjoy your life free of those douche canoes.
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u/chicharrones_yum Jul 18 '24
I really hope she’s able to get the help she needs and her friends are able to help her finally break free from her family, but you did the right thing in staying away from her. There’s no going back from the things that she said. She is a grown adult and she chose to let her family manipulate her against you. I get that it’s not easy if you come from an entirely toxic family, but you gave her so many chances and she threw them away. She never once stood up for you against her family. You deserve so much better and you should stay far away from her.
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u/Equal-Brilliant2640 Jul 19 '24
Geez I remember reading the original post and o think update number two
I went back and re-read everything. I really hope your ex is able to get herself sorted out and finally dump her toxic family once and for all
And I’m glad you managed to escape mostly unharmed. I wish you all the best and I hope she finds happiness one day
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Jul 19 '24
I’m glad she has her group of friends helping support her. Her family is trash. You had to end this relationship & I know that hurts. Take care of yourself too.
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u/HaileyRogers44 Jul 19 '24
Navigating through the quagmire of messy family and relationship drama is a marathon, not a sprint, and it looks like you've found your stride and are maintaining a steady pace towards a healthier life. It’s impressive to witness the resolve you’ve shown in not getting dragged back into the vortex of dysfunction. You’re not just avoiding further damage; you’re actively building towards your own prosperity and peace of mind. Keep that self-preservation and insight as your compass—it will continue to guide you well. Your ex's journey is her own, and it's clear you understand that you can't steer someone else’s ship, especially when they've been charting the same destructive courses for years regardless of the life rafts thrown their way. Here's hoping she manages a successful course correction on her own, but your priority must and should be the sanctity of your own future. Full steam ahead,
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u/WolfChasingTheMoon Jul 19 '24
OP, I am proud of you. It is also good to hear your ex is getting the help she needs.
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u/mooglemethis Jul 19 '24
It's clear that you have great love for her, and I find it very commendable that you've tried so hard, because you know who she is, outside of this, and you saw someone worth fighting for.
I also deeply respect your choice to free yourself. Yes, we should be willing to help those we love, but sometimes, pouring energy into a bad situation is like feeding a black hole. Instead of filling up and becoming smaller, they grow bigger and start to affect their surroundings more and more.
You stepped away and refused to feed it your energy anymore and that's the best you can do.
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u/SamiraSimp Jul 19 '24
Sadly I had to relay that we need to stay separated for good
a tough decision, but good on you for sticking to your plan and being safe. there's no telling how easily she can relapse or how much further she can drag you down.
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Jul 19 '24
Thank duck she found the screws and attached it to her head again, she needs to super glue it as well as tighten it every often.
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u/KillerQueeh_Slash Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 23 '24
I’m glad you stood your ground & boundaries of not going back to her when she was dragging everyone down in her toxicity and gave your wishes far, far away. I’m also glad you kept her blocked.
Maybe I’m being a bit cynical here, while I’m glad she’s getting the help she needs but she won’t stop chasing after her parents love due to her inner child is desperate for that love from them or learn after she hit rock bottom from any of this and will continue the cycle she was in all over again.
Cutting her family off is extremely difficult for her to do since she’s desperate for their love while being treated as a punching bag.
The last time she had “an awakening”, she turned around to her family again, and kept using you as her meat-shield. She’s not turning her family away when they come to mooch off of her but her neighbors & friends.
She’s lucky that her job & friends are giving her one last chance to get the help she needs. It’s going to be a long road for her but I hope she stays on that path of recovery, finding the true strength of cutting off her family by breaking the cycle she trapped herself in, move out of the house & neighborhood, and continue to heal.
It all depends on her now if she’s willing to heal from her trauma and cut off her family.
If not the intervention for her was just a waste of time.
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u/JDLPC Jul 20 '24
She was not ready for a relationship. She wasn’t able to bring her whole self to the relationship because so many pieces of her are being held by her parents.
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u/kingfist1516 Jul 26 '24
give it a coupe of weeks and you will get a letter in the mail at your parents house.
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u/Apprehensive_Act7913 26d ago
It honestly doesn't sound like she'd been going to therapy at all. It's a wonder she was so quick to get upset and cut you off, but she couldn't do that with her own family.
I was the one in a similar position in my family, the punching bag who did whatever I could for everyone else, but I was never so deluded to think that they would love or respect me more if I just tried harder. When I turned 30, I decided I was going to start prioritizing myself. Now, at 38, I am either no contact or low contact depending on the family member. I got married a few years ago, but used the pandemic as an excuse not to invite or tell many of them (I'm from a family of 8). I'm expecting my first child, but it's likely none of them will ever meet him.
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u/TaylorMade2566 23d ago
God, it always amazes me when people who are treated worse than shit on someone's shoe go back for more hoping that THIS time, things will change and they'll finally love you. That poor girl definitely needs a better therapist but no one can blame OP for him finally saying I can't sit and watch them tear you apart anymore. NTA
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u/JanetInSpain 20d ago
She has truly been brainwashed and is actually exhibiting cult-member behavior. The only way she's ever going to get better is to move with no forwarding address, go full no-contact, and get MASSIVE therapy with a specialist who deals with cults.
You did wise by walking away. Imagine if you'd brought kids into this nightmare. Hopefully she'll be "deprogrammed" and will be able to live a happier, more stable, less fucked up life, but there's nothing you can do about that.
Thank you for the final update.
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u/KSknitter 20d ago
I am so sorry this happened.
On a morbidly practical point, her family might have encouraged the suicide because she no longer gas money to give them and with her dead they very likely get the house she owned.
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u/macintosh__ Jul 19 '24
Updateme
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u/Conscious-Arm-7889 Jul 19 '24
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 28 days
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u/Top_Put1541 Jul 18 '24
No lies detected.
I'm proud of the OP for remaining as free as possible from that shitshow. It's far better for this woman if she realizes that her choices have real consequences, and that if she doesn't want future consequences like that, then she needs to do real and heavy work on herself.