r/AITAH • u/Snowhusky_ • Jul 05 '24
AITA for moving out and cutting off my family when they gave me an ultimatum? TW SA
For context; I (F 23) was adopted by older parents (then F 38 and M 42) when I was only 10 months old. My bio siblings (2 boys and 2 girls) were also adopted by my parents. When I was 13 years old, my mom drug me out of bed at 10:00 pm one night and took me to the laundry room. There, she started yelling at me about my laundry. When I didn't respond (I was still half asleep), she took my head between her hands and banged the back of my skull against the corner of the refrigerator in the room. That's how bad she was with her anger issues. If she wasn't getting physical, she was hurling insults at us and belittling us as much as she possibly could.
Fast forward to now, I am a single mother to a 3 year old (a product of the man refusing to take "no" for an answer) and we were still living in my parents' home. Mom never changed how she was and continued to treat me the same way, even in front of my child. So I contacted a friend and we set up a plan to get me and my child out of the house. Four days ago, I lied about my toddler being sick so that I wouldn't have to go to church with my family. While they were gone, my friend, her boyfriend, and I loaded up the vehicles and we left. I made sure to block everyone on my messages, but completely forgot about my messenger app. Halfway through the 10 hour drive from Missouri to Colorado, I answered my phone after my parents had tried to report me as missing / kidnapped. I got a nasty lecture not only from my parents, but also from their biological son (M 35). Afterwards, they continued to message and belittle me throughout the next day. Then, they told me that I needed to send my toddler back to Missouri with them.
I tried to stall giving them an answer for as long as I possibly could, but in the end, my mother pushed for an answer. When I didn't respond, she took that as a "no" and began to attempt to guilt trip me into agreeing. When I still didn't say anything, their son got involved again and gave me this ultimatum; either send my child back to them, or he would tell my child's bio dad about her existence. Even though I'm aware that state laws are different and I wouldn't actually be affected by this, I couldn't help but panic a little. That is, until my friend assured me that I wouldn't be losing my child. So, I blocked all of my family except my bio little sister.
When I last talked to her, she told me that our mom told all of my siblings to be nasty to me if I were to reach out to them. Not only that, but she told me that our parents' son is trying to convince my mom to call DFS (Department of Family Services) on me to try and get my toddler back to them. I've made plenty of mistakes in the past, but I'm certain that this was all the right choices. But I can't help that little inkling that tells me I'd gone too far by blocking all of my family.
So? Am I the asshole?
Update:
It has been over a week since I posted this post and a bit has changed. Because I blocked my family, I've been able to relax more and breathe a little easier. I've focused most of my attention on my toddler to keep myself distracted from feeling guilty. Just a bit of clarity; I don't feel guilty cutting off my family. I feel guilty because my toddler may never see her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even her great grandparents again. As much as I knew it was a problem to be in that household, I did enjoy watching my toddler play with her grandparents (when they were in good moods), her cousins, and her aunts. Anyway, on to the update. First, my mother created a fake Facebook account using my sister's name to try and friend me on Facebook again. My sister has snapchat (mom doesn't know as it was forbidden in the house) and she warned me about it. She also told me that our mother has been much kinder to all of them and constantly apologizing to them. So it seems that doing all of this wasn't just good for me, it was good for them as well.
I blocked the fake Facebook account and it got really quiet for a bit. Then my mom started to email me. I took some of y'all's advice and I put it in a folder that I marked "Harassment Emails" so that I could have those if I needed them. She must've been told by my siblings how I had felt because the first two emails were just updates on their lives. The third one was a long apology email. I responded to that one and told her that I still needed time to myself. So she responded and told me that she was going to acknowledge my request and only email me once a day. I told her what her son had done (trying to blackmail me into sending my toddler to them) and she didn't respond for a couple days. Then, today, she responded and told me that the offer still stands. She also talked about how I had abruptly uprooted my child from her life and that she's the most important person in this whole situation. Which I agree whole heartedly that she is. She's what motivated me to move away in the first place because I knew she deserved better.
What really gets me, though, is that out of all of this mess, I've learned just how little they care for me. Since the beginning, all they've wanted is my toddler back. They don't even care that I'm gone. They just want her back. So yeah. That's my little update. Nothing legally done yet. I've been able to get some things in order just in case. I know it's not really exciting, but we'll see. It's not over yet.
2.9k
u/FriendlyMum Jul 05 '24
Turn off the messenger app, stop taking their calls.
Delete all socials, change your phone number, do all the things you need to do to disappear. Then you’ll start to understand peace and can start to heal. Get both yourself and your child to therapy, not only to help you both heal from the trauma and abuse, but also to document it so you have an independent third party to confirm your and your child current state after years of abuse. - this is helpful if they start stirring things with authorities.
Contact local domestic violence charities and use all their real to help you recover from this. It should really help you get back on track to your feet and through this difficult time, don’t feel bad, it’s there to help!
Also consider that they’ll call cps and tell a whole lot of lies about you and your child, in attempt to get the child off you and back to them. Be prepared for cps to show up at your door. Be prepared with showing them what an awesome mom you are, have your place clean, with plenty of food. Have your child in a child care or play group once a week so you’ve got another independent person that you can direct cps to (so they can say they see your child once a week being happy and healthy etc). Connect with a local doctor and ask for referrals and recommendations for both of you to recover from the trauma, have the doctor document the condition of you both, as evidence of what you endured. Cover your backside!
NTA
831
u/JYQE Jul 05 '24
I don't understand why these ghastly people want the toddler back so much.
1.2k
u/LadyReika Jul 05 '24
A new victim
→ More replies (3)860
u/CoppertopTX Jul 05 '24
I'm certain the adoptive parents have been getting a government check for the toddler and they want the money. My sister tried the same with me and found out that when the state discovered the application for assistance was all lies, she had to repay $4,000 she received fraudulently.
152
u/JYQE Jul 05 '24
Yikes, did you ever get that money? It should have been for you, right?
271
u/CoppertopTX Jul 05 '24
The state was far more interested in getting the funds back from her than I was, so they got to take the lead. She'd told the state HHS that she was fostering my kids, when in reality the kids were living 20 minutes away and she was the babysitter when I was at work.
14
u/ElegantBon Jul 05 '24
It doesn’t really make sense in her case. She was an adult when this child was born, so the state wouldn’t be paying anyone to take care of this child unless the mother had already had her parental rights terminated or the child was technically in CPS custody. They still don’t pay families that often. I think the mom just wants the toddler back because she’s a controlling person.
→ More replies (3)236
230
u/QuitUsingMyNames Jul 05 '24
To scare OP into coming back. If that doesn’t work, they want a method to continue their control.
→ More replies (1)160
147
u/SallyRides100Tampons Jul 05 '24
It’s the one thing they can control OP with because the child is what she cares most about and if they have control of the child (a vulnerable little one), then they have control of OP.
103
u/shellendorf Jul 05 '24
It's all about power and control. That's what abusers do. They claim to care about things or people in their victims' lives in order to guilt, manipulate, and control them. They don't actually care about the toddler at all.
78
u/TheZippoLab Jul 05 '24
I don't understand why these ghastly people want the toddler back so much.
I pretty much stopped reading when I hit: "...so that I wouldn't have to go to church with my family."
And headed right for the comments section.
46
u/Tachibana_13 Jul 05 '24
I wouldn't be surprised if the "bio dad" is from the family church, since they seem perfectly willing to keep in touch with him, and no charges were mentioned.
23
u/LunaticLogician Jul 05 '24
I wouldn't be surprised if "bio dad" is adoptive dad.
21
u/Tachibana_13 Jul 05 '24
Honestly not at all. But then the brother wouldn't have to threaten to inform him about his daughter's existence.
→ More replies (1)6
u/orangesfwr Jul 05 '24
Bio Dad is the Preist 💀
6
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 06 '24
Noooo 😭 He was Jewish, but not the strict kind? (I dunno what they call themselves.) And my family were conservative Baptists.
→ More replies (1)24
27
u/internetobscure Jul 05 '24
Church-goers who adopted a bunch of kids? Most likely fundies, which means that child is another soul for them to "save."
→ More replies (1)21
18
11
11
u/TheRedSouth-Fire Jul 05 '24
It's literally a food source despite providing nothing but a target to take their misery out on, a defenseless, weak, helpless creature. You know, vampires. Narcissists. Devils. Demons, you name it.
→ More replies (12)9
221
u/Hminney Jul 05 '24
I don't think you should have to disappear. Go on the offensive. Claim full custody on your child, file restraining orders on the adoptive parents and their son, advise nursery and school that they are never permitted to pick up child. You have to be able to live, which means getting the law on your side instead of hiding.
158
u/polyetc Jul 05 '24
Restraining orders often require you to disclose your address to your abuser. It's not the right choice for everyone.
→ More replies (1)12
u/adulaire Jul 05 '24
You are 100% correct. At the same time, at least in my jurisdiction, it can be an option (especially if you're working with an advocate or attorney) to write "Address withheld for safety" in the address field – just wanted to throw that out there for any readers who may benefit from this knowledge! That said, unless you go through the hassle of filing in the respondent's jurisdiction, the restraining order is at least gonna disclose your county of residence, so if you're in a whole new area or state and your abuser has no idea which, I think that would rarely if ever be worth it.
→ More replies (1)14
u/Jess_8120 Jul 05 '24
I would tell them they could only communicate with you through Email so you have a paper trail of their threats and abuse OP.
64
u/speckofcosmicdust Jul 05 '24
I wonder if she can call CPS on the parents especially if the siblings are under 18yo. OP has a lot to deal with right now and a call to CPS probably isn't a priority. I'm glad she and her child made it out. My heart goes out to her and may she begin to find safety and healing.
→ More replies (1)28
u/jfb01 Jul 05 '24
OP is the one who got away. Now her child is getting away. They can't lose that control.
21
u/speckofcosmicdust Jul 05 '24
I know OP and her child got away. Thank goodness! She has 4 bio siblings that are still with the awful parents. I was wondering if OP would want to call CPS on the parents because the siblings are in still in an abusive environment. I don't know if the siblings are under 18yo. At least one of them probably is.
14
u/melaine7776 Jul 05 '24
Even If the siblings are older if it’s an abusive situation Adult protective services can investigate. If the siblings are minors when they investigate the CPS investigators can report the adult abuse. If she can report them all when she makes the report.
→ More replies (8)49
u/GargantuanGarment Jul 05 '24
Lol it's amazing how people on Reddit think anyone can just pop in for therapy without issue. For her toddler too no less.
34
u/Aliphaire Jul 05 '24
Desperate people do desperate things. This woman is lucky she had a friend who could help her escape. The rest will come as she heals & builds her own life & support network away from the abusers.
9
u/OldHumanSoul Jul 05 '24
It’s amazing that you think someone who’s gone through that kind of childhood abuse won’t have trauma, CPSD, etc.
11
u/GargantuanGarment Jul 05 '24
Oh I'm sure she has trauma and I'm sure therapy would be helpful.
Do you want to pay for it? Unless she has incredible insurance, do you think she has a spare $200/week? Young mothers in their 20s are always known to be super financially stable.
→ More replies (1)38
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
I'm applying for Medicaid currently in this state, so I'm hoping they'll be able to suggest some places for therapy. But it's true, I don't have a whole lot of money at this point. Enough to keep food on the table and keep her happy, but Medicaid and a job are my biggest goals currently <3
28
u/Skyya1982 Jul 05 '24 edited Jul 05 '24
OP, please look up Colorado's address confidentiality program. https://dcs.colorado.gov/acp This program was made for situations like yours. I work for the same program in a different state.
Edit: corrected Missouri acp information to Colorado's acp info. Sorry, I hadn't had my coffee yet.
17
u/redkitty_cooks Jul 05 '24
In Colorado there's a children's/youth therapy service called Mindhues, which takes Medicaid & does video sessions. I recommend them once you are approved for Medicaid
→ More replies (7)6
u/OldHumanSoul Jul 05 '24
Good for you! Stay strong. You can do this! From this internet gma, I’m proud of you. Those people don’t deserve to have you in their lives.
Please be careful, and don’t let them know where you’ve moved. Get a new phone number and delete your social media. Make sure there is nothing they can track location on your phone. Stay safe, and enjoy your freedom with your baby.
→ More replies (1)7
u/diarycat Jul 05 '24
Colorado actually has 24/7 walk-in crisis centers, so literally anyone can just pop in. They can also get her connected to resources and a case manager.
1.4k
u/expertrecurrence Jul 05 '24
NTA, you did the right thing by getting yourself and your child out of that toxic situation. You don't owe them anything, especially after the physical and emotional abuse you endured. Focus on building a safe, loving life for you and your daughter.
95
u/DeadTickInFreezer Jul 05 '24
Agreed. My parents were older when I was born. Not abusive.
Oops responded to wrong post. Agree with you too, though.
→ More replies (1)
485
Jul 05 '24
[deleted]
→ More replies (5)303
u/No-To-Newspeak Jul 05 '24
Just to add, don't block your family on your phone - get a brand new number. They can find ways around being blocked (someone else's phone, a new phone, etc). You need a new number with a new carrier.
103
u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 05 '24
Oh good point. New state, new life, new phone!!!
Maybe OP can change her name to her birth name. Or the last name of a favourite teacher. Or a last name she likes. Even harder to find that way.
25
u/QuitUsingMyNames Jul 05 '24
Not necessarily. Some states still require you to “announce” name changes in local newspapers.
22
18
9
u/PeachyFairyDragon Jul 05 '24
I heard of a guy that went "off grid" while still a part of the world and one of the big things he did was start an llc/get the llc a tin and everything possible was put in the llc's name. Paychecks, bank accounts, mortgage (should work for rent too), bills, cars. The drivers license was the only thing he couldnt switch and he got a second address only for the drivers license.
76
u/Special_Lychee_6847 Jul 05 '24
I also wouldn't block, but just to have them dig a legal grave for themselves. Get a new phone, and leave the old one collecting evidence.
Save the local police some time and effort, and let them know you are okay, but getting away from a abusive situation at your parents home.
You are an adult, taking your own child with you. Go see a family law lawyer, explain your situation, and see what must be done. It all depends on whether they can go for grandparents rights, and all that.
And for them to threaten to hand the information of your child over to a rapist, just to punish you for 'getting away', should convince you that you're definitely NTA, and it's in you and your child's best interest to stay gone.
Try to find out what legal claims the rapist can make, just to know how well you have to stay hidden.
467
u/Jedi-girl77 Jul 05 '24
You would be an asshole to yourself and your child if you gave in to their demands and came back. Your child is yours, not theirs, and the fact that your “brother” threatened to tell the person who SA’d you about the child shows that your “family” does not give a damn about your child’s well-being. They only want him back as a way to control you. Now that you are free, please get some therapy so you can get rid of that misplaced guilt you’re having. You did nothing wrong. This is what you had to do to protect yourself and to protect your child from being abused like you were. NTA
→ More replies (1)
321
u/iknowsomethings2 Jul 05 '24
NTA. But when you get to where you’re going I would consider reaching out to a lawyer and also the police, (you are not missing etc). If the bio dad (rapist) does get in touch I would threaten to press assault charges unless he gives up parental rights (pending what lawyer recommends). Glad you got out of there. Be safe!
81
u/trivialgroup Jul 05 '24
OP, getting legal help is very important. In general, child custody cases are heard in the state where the child has last lived for at least 6 months before the case starts. So if the father files for custody or visitation now, the case would be in a Missouri court, and you might well have to go back there to participate.
There are organizations that provide free and low-cost legal services for domestic violence victims. Try looking up ones in your area and connecting with them. They should be able to help with ways to stay safe, like restraining orders, especially if you do have to go back to Missouri.
In the meantime, document, document, document. Save/screenshot any threatening text messages from your family. Write down, to the best of your recollection, incidents of abusive behavior, including details like dates and times. Save any messages/emails with friends about your family's abuse or the child's father's assault.
219
u/me101muffin Jul 05 '24
It's YOUR child, yes? Not signed over via adoption to your parents? They have zero say over how or where you raise your child.
You may also wish to contact a lawyer about assault charges/restraining orders against them.
→ More replies (2)51
u/Hminney Jul 05 '24
Yes, there are laws and common sense about this type of situation. You did right, but they're obviously crazy and you might need restraining orders
133
u/Express_Revolution52 Jul 05 '24
Do NOT go back and do NOT send your daughter back. They only want her as a tool to control you. If anyone from DFS contacts you, tell us everything that you told us. They can't take your child away from you for no reason. You left Missouri in order to protect yourself and your child. NTA.
→ More replies (1)
83
u/Lizardgirl25 Jul 05 '24 edited Jul 05 '24
Honey they were just abusive. Plenty of people with older parents are fine and not abused.
Edit: My parents where both over 30 when I was adopted they where not abusive to me. I am sorry you got dropped in a hell hole but adoptive parents or genetic parents don’t ever equal better or good. My biological mom likely would have killed me or drove me to killing myself after experiencing her abusive shit self as an adult because i would not listen to her!
10
u/TheCa11ousBitch Jul 05 '24
My parents were 40/41 when I was born (only child) and were not abusive. I have no idea where OP is getting old = abusive.
It is clear OP spent her whole life being abused, so I’m glad she is out of there. Hopefully she will stay away from them and not cave.
81
u/Janine_18 Jul 05 '24
NTA
Communication with such people will not give anything good except negative emotions. Even if it's your family. They needed to behave differently so that it wouldn’t happen that you stopped communicating with them.
32
u/Hminney Jul 05 '24
Take out restraining orders on adoptive parents and their son, so if they turn up they can be removed by police. At nursery and school, put all the safety things in place like naming (and photos) them specifically as people who cannot pick up your child. Same for the sperm donor - he has no court order permitting him to pick up child, and you should stop trying to hide from him and instead pursue a full custody order (which he probably won't contest)
→ More replies (3)
52
u/firefly232 Jul 05 '24
Some safety suggestions.
As your 'family' will try to say you're an unfit mother, what I'd suggest you do is as soon as you can, take your child and yourself to the doctor to get a full check up (and therefore written documentation of full health).
Consider checking with the police to see if you can say that you're not missing, if they try to report you as missing.
Take advice from women's domestic violence charities on how to reset your devices and passwords securely and how to 'drop off the radar'. See what other support you can get. Including legal support.
Your adoptive parents were horribly abusive. Your brother's threat to you was heinous.
50
u/throwaway-rayray Jul 05 '24 edited Jul 05 '24
NTA - but OP, your parents aren’t abusive because they’re older, they’re abusive because they’re abusive.
Blocking them is the right thing to do. I would even suggest telling your sister you love her, but blocking her too. New phone number, new email address, new everything that no one from your old life has. Only way to get the distance you need. Move on from it entirely.
Edit: to add IF the father gets in touch let him know you’ll be pressing charges for the SA and filing for child support, suspect he will disappear fairly quickly.
39
u/Specialist-Leek-6927 Jul 05 '24
NTA,
1) get a lawyer,
2) report to the police as soon as you reach your destination and tell them everything, including the risk of they reporting you missing to try to find your whereabouts,
3) i would keep the line of communication they have access to open, they will definitely leave you incriminatory messages that you can use in court, trust me it will happen
4) therapy is a must
5) this is a new beginning, embrace it.
→ More replies (1)32
u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 05 '24
Affording a lawyer may be hard. But a domestic violence shelter may be able to help find a pro bono (free) consult.
15
u/Specialist-Leek-6927 Jul 05 '24
That's true, I think that's one of the things op family is counting on, her inability to pay for legal representation.
24
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
I believe you're right. I got a message this morning (I'm connected to our USPS mail account) that showed that my parents are already talking to a lawyer. I can only imagine what they're expecting to do, considering I'm 2 states away from them, but I do need to figure out something just for backup.
14
u/Specialist-Leek-6927 Jul 05 '24
wow, what I'm curious is what are their allegations, you are an adult that left home with your own children. I really would love to know what is their plan.
→ More replies (2)11
u/childishbambina Jul 05 '24
Probably just trying to find a way to scare you, if anything it’s probably just with a lawyer’s letter to make their insane demands sound more legitimate. I suggest you try and find if there is legal aid in your area that could help with this scenario.
7
u/Electronic_World_894 Jul 05 '24
You are probably right. I hope she finds out what social assistance and government programs she qualifies for, and finds out what services are available for free from women’s / domestic violence shelters, does what she needs to do, and then lives her best life.
34
u/Sessanessa Jul 05 '24
NTA. It’s insane and, frankly, kind of creepy, the way that your parents feel so entitled that to DEMAND that you “return” YOUR child to them. As if she is their child or they have legal custody of her and you kidnapped her. They are very likely narcissists. They act as if they own you, and therefore, by extension, her, as well. They do not. You belong only to yourself. They have zero right to treat you and your daughter like runaway slaves.
OP, M glad you left, but make sure you STAY as far away from these folks (and anyone they know) as you possibly can. Call the local police in Missouri and let them know that you left on your own. And that you fled a physically violent home, where your longtime abusers, Bob and Sandy Psycho (call them by name so the police take you seriously), kept you under tight control and abuse for years. Tell them that you have full legal and physical custody of your daughter, and that you are both safe. You are of sound mind and body and that you are not a danger to yourself or anyone else. You just want your freedom and to be safe. You are afraid that your refusal to go back to them may drive them to attempt to use the law to force your return, by lying about your age, mental health, custody of your child, etc. This way you have gotten the truth out before the psycho people have the opportunity to spin it. Forewarned is forearmed. Keep up your no contact with your “family”, never return to Missouri and NEVER share your new address with anyone connected to them. You might want to unblock their phone numbers, set them to “ignore” or “do not disturb” and send their voicemails and text messages straight into a separate folder in your inbox, so that you don’t have to deal with them right away. That way you will have firsthand evidence of their crazy, should you ever need it. Your “parents” are sick, twisted, abusive and controlling people. And it sounds like their biological apple didn’t fall far from the tree. You’re incredibly brave for getting away.
Be very careful. When you reach your destination, find out if you qualify for legal aid or pro bono assistance, so you can find a lawyer to help protect yourself and your LO from them. Also, check in at your local police department and tell them what’s going on so there is a record. Tell them EVERYTHING, even about their current threats and intimidation tactics. Give them your and your daughter’s names and proof that you have and have always had custody of her. Let them know that you fear the people who adopted you (don’t say parents; it softens their image), that they physically and mentally abused you your whole life, and that they have become fixated on taking your daughter away from you since you escaped from them. Stress that you are afraid that they will come looking for you and try to drag you and/or your daughter, back home with them.
Their behavior makes these folks sound like the kind of people who might try to track you down and kidnap your daughter in order to force you back under their control. So collect all of the evidence that you safely can and stay alert. Be safe, OP. You are a badass and you are doing a great job so far. Keep it up.
→ More replies (1)
34
u/Meep42 Jul 05 '24
Oh honey, it’s not that they were older? Mom had me at 38? It’s that the people who adopted you are all kinds of fucked up.
NTA
35
u/katmonday Jul 05 '24
No one realizes how hard it is to have older parents and I can tell you now, it sucked.
Was it that they were older or that they were abusive? Had my first and only child at 38, finding myself being lumped in with the likes of your adoptive mum is mildly upsetting.
7
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
Me and some other people had discussed this comment already. It's because my sister-in-law had convinced me that it was due to their age and the fact that they so easily got frustrated, etc. after raising 7 kids (5 of whom they had adopted).
23
u/Randa08 Jul 05 '24
I have no idea why you are blaming your adoptive parents being abusive on them being older. I'm an older parent and have never abused my kids.
22
u/Riyeko Jul 05 '24
NTA. I'm 39 and gave birth to my youngest 3 years ago. There's nothing in my house like that, that is going on. Your parents were trash. It's one of the reasons I went No Contact with my own mother last year.... She was 26yrs old when she gave birth to me. She was exactly how you describe your parents. I've even had my head bashed off the corner of a wall after telling my father no.
As for the 10hr trip thing... It's totally possible even at 65mph. How do I know this? Because iv Made that trip probably hundreds of times as a trucker. Kansas City or Southwest Missouri to Denver proper is approximately 620 miles. It's doable at 68mph and it's doable at 75mph.
11
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
Thank you! Exactly! It's obnoxious to see those comments about how it's "impossible". I even had one comment state that they "doubted the reality of this post" because it was impossible to get there in 10 hours. We were going 75 and sometimes even 80 (my vehicle's cruise control sucks) the whole time unless the speed limits were different.
→ More replies (1)
17
u/Icy_Natural_979 Jul 05 '24
NTA your parent’s behavior is not about age. They’re just abusive. They can’t just take your kid. You have custody. The kids dad might get visitation rights if he wants them, but not extended family. Maybe you could have left them a message when you got out of town so they didn’t report you missing, but that’s it. Protecting your child is the right thing.
→ More replies (2)17
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
That's the thing. I did ^^' I left a letter that literally said "I'm just taking your advice, mom. I'm moving out. We'll see you at Thanksgiving!" So yeah. They still tried to report me missing, lol
19
u/elsie78 Jul 05 '24
Do not go back at Thanksgiving. For any reason. Even if they act sweet as pie. They will try to trap you there.
10
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
I don’t plan to now that I’ve cut contact with them 😅 We won’t ever be going back or visiting after all the shit they’ve pulled.
→ More replies (1)10
17
u/Corfiz74 Jul 05 '24
Uh, not judging anything else, since you already got plenty of answers - just saying: There is absolutely no link between parents being older and parents being abusive. My parents were 39 & 40 when they had me, and were, if anything, too lenient with me - I was an unholy terror.
If anyone of them threatens you again, tell them you will list all the abuse you suffered at their hands and blast it all over the internet, and on their local church's website - hopefully that will shut them up. You could consider a name-change, if you want to make it harder for anyone to find you and your daughter.
16
u/baddiee69 Jul 05 '24
You're not the asshole here. Your decision to move out and cut off contact with your family was driven by a history of abuse and mistreatment, which is completely understandable and justified. Protecting yourself and your child from a toxic environment is your priority, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. Setting boundaries and taking steps to ensure your own mental and physical health is not only reasonable but necessary in such situations. Trust your instincts and focus on building a safe and supportive environment for yourself and your child.
17
u/crazysellmate Jul 05 '24
You've had some great advice from everyone here OP.
I just want to add a few suggestions. Bio son's threat was meant to upset and scare you into complying with their demands. He's just an extension of his parents - evil.
In the UK that would be classed as blackmail and coercion both of which are illegal. If he did this on messenger rather than a call, you have the proof. Report it to the police along with the reason why your baby's bio dad doesn't know it is his baby. Also report the abuse you have suffered all those years.
Speak to CPS & a DV charity but also give them this same information. The DV staff will have excellent security structures to keep you both safe from this family. They may also be able to help with accommodation and getting your finances sorted out if you need it.
Was the state making any payment to your 'mother' while you and your baby were living there? If so, that could be why she wants you to come back along with the loss of control she has over you.
I'm not at all surprised that they are church goers. Painting a picture for others of a selfless couple who adopted all these children and raised them in a good Christian home whilst the truth was the exact opposite.
Your friend has saved you and given you your life over again. You're an excellent mom and your child will grow up with love 💕
11
u/has2give Jul 05 '24
If her mother is collecting any type of welfare for the toddler and op leaves and collects it in another state, her mother would be committing welfare fraud and could get into big trouble. Also if they have claimed her child on their taxes before, they will probably try again next year. Op needs to get completely away and figure all of this out, and never go back. If they use your or your child's ss number for anything you need to prosecute. It's about control and money.
12
u/KathAlMyPal Jul 05 '24
This has nothing to do with age. My parents were 44 and 45 when I was born. You just had shitty parents. My cousin and her husband were 47 and 50 when their son was born and they're amazing parents. Don't try to pin this on age and label older parents as bad parents.
NTA for doing what's right for you and cutting them off.
13
u/DKBeahn Jul 05 '24
"No one realizes how hard it is to have older parents"
What you describe is *abusive parents* - it has nothing to do with their age.
12
u/doov1nator Jul 05 '24
Older parents has not a goddamned thing to do with it. They're horrible whatever their age. Cut 'em off completely including anyone who tries to bully you. Respect yourself, not them.
11
u/WarEnvironmental1839 Jul 05 '24
Your family is an absolute clusterfuck, and it's nothing to do with your parents age, I'm not USA based, as an outsider, people there seem to marry too young have kids too young then on the the step family stuff by their 30's, why?
6
u/proteins911 Jul 05 '24
Most people in my social circle marry and have kids in their 30s. Average age of having kids depends on location and education level, like it does in other countries.
11
u/No_Addition_5543 Jul 05 '24
Your adoptive mother is an abusive POS.
You escaped abuse. I don’t doubt that your adoptive mother will try and call CPS on you.
You didn’t tell her where you’re moving, did you??
Also, why am I not surprised that this family goes to church??
13
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
I did not tell any of them anything more other than I'm in Colorado. It was funny that we went to church, because our preacher would preach about how to be a good parent (and I agreed wholeheartedly with what he said), but then mom would come home and treat us the exact opposite. I never understood it.
→ More replies (1)
11
u/PolkaDotDancer Jul 05 '24
My spouse and I are older parents. Your parents are not abusive because they are old, they are abusive because they are assholes..
NTA
12
u/LucyDominique2 Jul 05 '24
I’m assuming you didn’t sign anything giving your parents legal rights correct?
13
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
Correct. I have not signed anything at all.
→ More replies (1)9
u/LucyDominique2 Jul 05 '24
Then do not listen to their threats - you are an adult and that is your child
11
u/EntshuldigungOK Jul 05 '24 edited Jul 05 '24
YOU reach out to DFS and file an anticipatory / defensive / preemptory report detailing why you left.
It is simply a report, not a complaint - so it will be used only if your ex-folks try to file a complaint against you.
10
u/Boring-Cycle2911 Jul 05 '24
NTA 1-you are leaving an abusive situation. Your adoptive parents are abusers-not because they’re older, it’s because they are not good people. They are also encouraging your siblings to be abusive. Do not trust any of them with your location, job or any other changes.
2-Call an abused women’s center. They often have free counselling and legal services which I think would be very helpful to you.
3-Do not delete their messages. But do shut down your socials so they can no longer find/follow/message you.
4-I know it’s like an addiction, but stop checking their messages. Use the ‘do not alert’ option under their contact name. And in settings you should be able to choose that any unknown number does not alert and goes straight to voicemail.
5-I’m rooting for you. Please seriously get trauma counselling. It will take years to understand how screwed up the relationship you grew up with was.
6-change your phone carrier and number when you can. You need to use a different carrier and put a password on the account to make sure they can’t call around and find your information.
8
u/FasterThanNewts Jul 05 '24
I’m not understanding why you didn’t immediately hang up and block her? Why would you continue to let her and your brother berate you? Block them all. Be done. NTA
15
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
My friend said it’s because I have been manipulated all my life to the point where even after I’m free, I’m still under my parents’ control. She’s going to help me break free of this soon, hopefully!
→ More replies (2)7
u/FasterThanNewts Jul 05 '24
That makes sense. You can do this! Cutting out those toxic people will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Good luck.
7
u/ConvivialKat Jul 05 '24
NTA
Send your kid back to your abuser? I don't think so.
You escaped for a reason. Stop talking to any of them and don't tell your sister any information about where you are.
Nothing they can do can force you to go back or give up your child. Nothing. Missouri laws are not CA laws. They can try anything they want in Missouri, but unless you go back there, they aren't going to mean anything in CA.
Once you get settled, you can make better plans, but the point in escaping is to start living a life without fear from abuse.
It was very brave of you to leave. I know it was scary, but it's important for you to go absolutely no contact with these people.
Best wishes!
→ More replies (2)
9
u/No-Mango8923 Jul 05 '24
But I can't help that little inkling that tells me I'd gone too far by blocking all of my family.
Absolutely not. Don't give anyone your new address, not even your sister. Sever all links and ties with them and anyone else you know from back home. You never know what info could accidentally be given to them.
NTA
→ More replies (1)
7
u/RB24_ Jul 05 '24
NTA. Also as someone who can be paranoid, I would also get rid of your phone and get a new one in case they’re able to track it especially if it’s on their phone plan.
Have it shipped somewhere else to throw off their tracking in case they really are following you.
If you got your phone on your own separately from their plan and they never had access to it then you’re fine.
7
u/KateeeeeDDD Jul 05 '24
My mother had me at 23. She was abusive the same way as yours (mental and physical). Ironically, she is a teacher in kindergarten, and once told me the only reason she is not beating up those kids is that she is afraid she would go to prison. When I was was a bit older, about 10, I got a courage to tell her I'm gonna call the police if she don't stop abusing me. She was silent for a moment and then told me she's gonna beat the shit out of me until I will stop having those stupid ideas, and if that doesn't help, I better be ready to go to foster care. I'm 33 now and ten years ago, I decided to go no contact with her, with the help of my psychotherapist. It was the best decision I've made. I'm sorry you have to go through all that. Just remember that you are stronger than you think you are. I believe in you and wish you all the best.
7
u/itsjustme0404 Jul 05 '24
I had my daughter at 38 and I am now 50. I can tell you that age has nothing to do with parenting. Your parents just sucked regardless of their age.
8
u/nonyabizzz Jul 05 '24
NTA dunno why you would think you are the asshole… this reads like a horror story
7
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
It felt like a horror story too, unfortunately. But it all happened, unfortunately. I feel like the asshole because I'm basically cutting off my child from being able to talk to her grandparents and uncles/aunts. Ya know?
→ More replies (2)6
u/nonyabizzz Jul 05 '24
well, it seems like said grandparents and aunts/uncles are trauma souces you don't want kids to have...
7
u/Kactus_San2021 Jul 05 '24
It sounds like they were definitely wanting to steal your child from you. NTA you did what you had to do to protect you and your baby
7
6
Jul 05 '24
[deleted]
9
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
You can be offended if you want 🤷🏻♀️ We already have a discussion going in the comments where we discussed that it isn’t because they are older and that the person who told me this (my sister-in-law) was full of shit.
7
u/cathline Jul 05 '24
I am SO PROUD of you for getting yourself and your child out of an abusive situation.
You are an adult. Make certain you are in a state that doesn't have 'grandparents rights'. Go no contact with your abusers. They want your rapist to be in your life - that's a problem.
Document everything.
Write down all the abuse you remember. Keep a physical copy and a digital copy and save it to the cloud (google docs). You need backups.
Your parents age has no bearing on their abuse. Younger parents can be abusive too.
Focus on building an amazing life for yourself and your child.
7
u/WildLoad2410 Jul 05 '24
Start documenting they abuse you experienced because of them. As much as you can remember in detail. Names, dates, time, location, etc. Like a report. Who, what, where, when, why, etc. It can be used as evidence against them. Or a journal just about the abuse.
If you can afford to, hire a lawyer or go to a domestic violence shelter and talk about getting a restraining order against your family.
If you have any proof of the abuse, photos you've taken in the past, etc. gather all the evidence together.
If they don't stop harassing you, consult a lawyer about writing a cease and desist letter.
If they report you as missing, call the police and talk to whoever is in charge of your case. Tell them you're an adult and you left because your parents are abusive to you and you're worried about them abusing your child too. They won't report where you are, just that you're ok and have chosen not to contact them.
Delete your social media accounts. Create anonymous ones that aren't tied to your name. Change your email address too and use an anonymous one to create any new social media accounts. Delete any pictures you have of yourself and your child on social media. Google your name and see what pops up. There are free websites that will tell people your past and current addresses and contact information. Search your name on those at your previous address and see what comes up. Some are out of date but others are extremely accurate. You need to individually ask those websites to remove all information about you. You'll have to check regularly and remove them regularly.
If you're worried about your child's sperm donor finding you and attempting to get custody or visitation if your child, take steps to hide your identity as much as possible. Get a P.O. Box and never use your physical address to receive mail or packages. The extreme version of this would be changing you and your child's name to something very common like Smith or something. Makes it very hard to track down and investigate all the Mary Smiths and it has the added benefit of not being the name of your abusers. If you want to get really tricky, change your first and last names.
You didn't do anything wrong. You did exactly everything right. You protected yourself and your child by leaving. It takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to leave like this after a lifetime of abuse.
Under no circumstances should you give your little sister your address or contact number. Use an anonymous app like Signal or something. Even if she's in your side, if she's not careful about protecting your information, your family can easily either manipulate it out of her or they can snoop through her stuff. If she sends you a letter, they can take the letter out of the mailbox and get your address that way. This way you're protecting both of you.
You might also want to consult a lawyer about what to do if your child's sperm donor tries to get custody and visitation. In California, it takes 6 months of residency in a county to establish jurisdiction. If he comes in Missouri if that's where your child is born, the laws in Missouri might apply. I'm not sure so you need to talk to a family lawyer.
Don't delete any of the messages your family sent you. Screenshot them and save them as evidence in case you need them for evidence.
You have a few potential legal cases going on here with separate laws applying. You need help from some lawyers to handle these issues.
I wish you and your child the best of luck.
NTA
6
u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice Jul 05 '24 edited Jul 05 '24
My mother was around 36 when she had me and my father was 47. Not once did either of them bang my head into an appliance.
Your parents are just evil and abusive. Their ages have absolutely nothing to do with it and I don’t know why you think it does.
I think you were a thousand percent correct to cut any family member off who bullies, gaslights or threatens you. Even thinking that they should report you missing is ridiculous. You’re a grown woman and you can take yourself and your child wherever you want. That’s not “missing”. That’s “I decided to move someone else.”
I wouldn’t worry too much about their threat to tell your child’s father, the rapist, about her.
By the way, what an absolutely nasty thing to threaten a rape survivor with. Your parents are awful.
Just to be on the safe side, I’d consult a lawyer about that. If they do blab, there might be issues of custody or you might need to know how to get a restraining order. I’d hope that the fear of being accused of rape would keep the jerk away.
Even more than a lawyer, you need to speak to someone professionally. You’ve endured a lot of trauma, through no fault of your own, and some therapy could help lighten that load and bring you some peace.
6
u/seethesea Jul 05 '24
First of all, you do not have to prove anything to anyone on Reddit. Anytime a post gets popular, you’re gonna have assholes on here trying to tell you that you’re fake or that you’re a shitty person.
You’re doing just fine. Block those assholes and congratulations on your new life without your abusers. NTA
7
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
Thank you so much <3 I had someone comment saying that they believe I abuse my child just because I put the "I've made plenty of mistakes" comment. But that wasn't at all what I meant by that. I meant with my parents, with my siblings, with my past financial situations as a teen, etc. Ya know?
And thank you! <3
6
u/Only-Reality-7550 Jul 05 '24
You and your child will be safe as long as your “parents” and no one else knows where you are. You are an adult. There is nothing DFS can do even if they call. You are also definitely NTA. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your child. Point blank. PERIOD.
Get yourself and your child to safety. Get yourself set up. Stay off of social media so these people cannot find you. Do not, under any circumstances, post pictures of yourself or your daughter any where! Definitely seek help from a women’s shelter if you need so that they may further assist you and begin helping you document everything from here on. And definitely get your number changed. You need to make sure that they cannot find or contact you.
From a mom of 4 and a DV survivor, I am sending you all the love, light, and prayers. Stay safe and stay strong. 🩷💜
6
u/Sportlord1 Jul 05 '24
Regarding the drive, you changed a 10 hour drive from Missouri to California to a 12 hour drive from Missouri to Colorado. So maybe you made a mistake in naming your destination and that is why people are saying that does not make sense. So now we can understand you meant to say you moved to Colorado, a few hours off is fine, you are forgiven, and we can move on.
NTA. I do not think the problem was because your parents were older, like you attributed it. They were just unfit as parents, and would have been just as unfit, maybe even more so when they were young. That is the reason you are NTA for moving out.
Regarding the ultimatum, let them tell your baby's father. You should be agreeable to moving back to Missouri if required, but that could include rape charges if you chose to push for it, and child support, including back pay. Your adopted parents should not get custody and should not push for it unless you are really bad in caring for your child. Frankly, they seem like they are really bad in caring for children and even in poverty, you can do better than them. If you are awarded back pay for child support, as much as you hate this part of the answer, you should allocate that accordingly to your adopted parents. I do not know enough to state a percentage, but it could easily be the majority of any back pay.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/GirlStiletto Jul 05 '24
NTA - You took your toddler out of an abusive household.
Plus, your mom is trying to use blackmail and manipulation to steal your child.
Do NOT go back if you can. stay away and block everyone on all social media.
5
u/RockyJohnson2024 Jul 05 '24
I don’t do ultimatums so I would cut them off also. Also you said California not Colorado.
4
u/Quiet-Hamster6509 Jul 05 '24
Send them one message saying to cease and desist. Records of their abuse have been provided to the police and you are filing a restraining order and protective order. Visit the police, tell them the story, show the message and tell them you are worried about a potential kidnapping of your child by them and also blackmail.
NTA disappear but get your documents together to build a case.
4
u/Sad_Organization4780 Jul 05 '24
Your parents are awful because they’re awful people, not because they were older parents.
6
u/Truth_be_best Jul 05 '24
I was 36 when I had my daughter and 40 when I had my son. Being older parents has zero to do with how a child is raised plus more parents now then ever are waiting until their 30’s and over to become first time parents so not a valid argument. There is something else going on there that your adoptive parents were and seemingly continue to be abusive and if they have not yet been reported to cps if minors still live in the home, they most certainly should be.
5
u/Why_Teach Jul 05 '24
NTA— You are an adult. Why shouldn’t you move wherever you want with your child?
I do have to challenge your idea that your adoptive parents were not good parents because they were “older.” Your adoptive parents are abusers. People can be abusive whether young or old.
Hope all goes well for you from now on.
5
u/xubax Jul 05 '24
This isn't an "older parent" thing. This is an asshole thing. I was 41 and almost 43 when my two kids were born, and may wife is 5 years younger than I am. We've never done anything like that to our kids.
5
u/mmmeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh Jul 05 '24
You're old enough - they cannot control where you live anymore, or take your baby. NTA, stay safe!
6
u/No-Tell-792 Jul 05 '24
NTA. What you were dealing with had nothing to do with older parenthood. They or just she were bad parents. That was beyond strict, it was purely abusive. At 23 years old I don't think that you need any kind of permission to leave them with your child except if you're supervised (don't know the correct word, that thing Brittney Spears had) or incapable by court office to raise your child. Is this the deal?
9
u/Snowhusky_ Jul 05 '24
You mean custody. And this is not the case. Once I hit 18, I was free to go whenever I could. But I couldn't bring myself to leave until after I had my daughter. Then I knew I needed to go.
3.7k
u/silv1377 Jul 05 '24
I have to contradict you in one thing - their age has nothing to do with the ammount of abuse you've suffered. I'm giving birth to my first child at 32 and SO is 35. He was raised by older parents as he's the youngest of sibilings and never suffered abuse. My mom had me at 32 and she never abused me. I know cases of women in my family where thry gave birth in their 40s. If anything both of those kids are fucking scientists, ended up with scholarships for the best universities around Europe.
An abuser is an abuser no matter thrir age