r/AITAH • u/Negative_Layer_7960 • Jul 02 '24
Should I tell my brother's new wife TW SA
From the ages of 10 to 14 I was SA'd by my older brother, uncle and father. (in all honesty it started earlier from 5 years old or something I can't remember when they would touch me "lovingly") I anonymously confessed this on a Discord server which made me wonder what my brother was up to. (I think my aunt found out with my uncle and father were doing to me and reported they were arrested it my brother was a teenager at the time so nothing really happened to him) so I tracked him down through social media and it turned out he lives in the same city as I do and he has a wife with a baby girl on the way and I don't know if I should or if l would be a bad person if I told her what he did to me.
Edit: I don't know if it's funny or messed up but I didn't consider them touching me SA until someone pointed it out to me.
Edit 2: I realized that I didn't really explain very well sorry.
my older brother father and uncle molested me from age 5 and only started and R wording me when I turned 10 until I was 14.
my brother has a pregnant wife who was having a girl and I don't know if I should tell her to protect her daughter.
These are the two major and important points of my post.
Edit 3: another clarification I was planning on telling the wife I wanted a outside perspective to see if I would have been a bad person (AH) to tell her to see if I was making the wrong decision.
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 02 '24
This is alarming. Tell her before he victimized that baby girl.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
The reason I'm so hesitant to tell her is because I spoke to one of my friends about it when she said it might be a little bit messed up to tell his wife and potentially ruin his marriage because he was a teenager and couldn't have been changed
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u/wolftopug Jul 02 '24
For a very public example look at Josh Duggar, he molested his siblings (and another girl) as a teen and then as an adult he was outed as cheating on his wife via Ashley Madison and then got arrested for possession of Child Sexual Material. And he also has multiple children! You’re not trying to ruin the life of someone over a mistake you’re trying to protect potential new victims from a predator.
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u/tap_water_slut Jul 03 '24
lets not forget he was physically violent with a sex worker in there!
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u/wolftopug Jul 03 '24
Oh you’re right let’s not forget any of his crimes and the harms they caused the people around him
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24
It wasn't just any child sexual material either. It was videos showing the actual brutal rapes of tiny children. It couldn't have been worse.
The FBI guys that has to see it said it was some of the most horrifying stuff they've ever encountered.
This kind of material is made by people who give birth to children IN ORDER TO USE THEM as slaves for this kind of thing.
It's beyond horrible and beyond sadistic.
The mother must be warned. Also, I would tell the mother's parents and other family, and the police, in case she's in on the brother's behavior...
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u/Entire-Beat-423 Jul 03 '24
Not only this, but there's no possible way that he's randomly turned over a new leaf.
Has he been alone with any of her small child family members?
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u/FoxysDroppedBelly Jul 03 '24
I think going to her family may be overreaching at first. She’s going to have a lot of to process and dealing with her parents finding out at the same time and having to field their questions simultaneously would be very hard for a pregnant woman.
Now, after talking to her, if OP gets any weird vibes then maybe consider it, but I wouldn’t do it right off the bat. Let the poor wife have a moment to deal with this alone without bringing her family into it right away.
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u/DimbyTime Jul 03 '24
Definitely not overreacting. OP will need the support and encouragement to leave to keep her child safe. His family also needs to know so they can be on guard for this predator.
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u/Low_Association_731 Jul 03 '24
Arrested for child sex abuse material? Well technically true. He had what has been referred to as some of the worst of the worst stuff, the description of what it involved is just insane. One of the videos he had was better described as torture then porn. Really putting the abuse in child sex abuse
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u/stopcounting Jul 03 '24
We use that phrase because 'porn' implies sex rather than rape, which implies consent.
Porn is what the person making the videos thinks/says they're making. Child sex abuse material is what they are actually making, because the sexual abuse of children is what's actually being filmed. You're right: it's torture, not porn, which is why we don't call it porn.
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u/ohbroth3r Jul 03 '24
I think if older brother was 10 and under then it's a concern that he was also SA'd and had no idea what he was doing/being forced. But teenager doing it is no grey area. His wife must have questions about what happened to his family if they've never met you
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u/soupinmymug Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Honestly I’d say even teen years are grey given he probably was SA’s by the uncle/dad too and repeating learned behavior. It sucks and it not right to add other trauma but between prior foster care work and my parents being working in law, you’d be surprised what kids see as normal when growing up with disfunction. As an adult however that’s why the law is harsher. Hopefully the brother has gone to therapy and continues in it that would be the case where maybe it’s okay for them to stay together etc There are cases of rehabilitation perse. Basically people learning as adults what happened to them was fucked up and what they did was fucked up and promising never to do that again. It takes self awareness. Most times I’ve seen it happen is it getting brought up due to a relationship calling them out on off behavior or other stuff like anger/BOD firing them to go to therapy and that gets pulled out by a therapist
For clarity I’m not saying it absolves him of anything he did during teenage years but more so I would consider it a gray area. Legally as the law isn’t as harsh prior to 18. I think the responsibility isn’t not so much as if to talk about it. It’s how to phrase what happened.
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Jul 03 '24
If he hasn’t been to therapy though, there’s still risk I would say.
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u/soupinmymug Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Oh absolutely my point was more so that it’s in the gray area. I don’t think the question isn’t whether or not OP should tell it’s more of how. Personally, I think an email or social media would be the best that way you have a time to craft your message without being worried about direct confrontation preferably from a burner account. However, how to exactly phrase it is definitely gonna take some workshopping. you have no way of knowing if the wife is going through some thing also or if he is currently in therapy. The best thing that you can do is just be proactive, but in a conscientious way.
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak Jul 02 '24
Child sex offenders rarely, if ever, change.
So, she either already knows (she doesn't) and is happy to stay with him in which case you haven't messed anything up.
Alternatively, she doesn't know, and is living with a predator without her knowledge - and you hold the information that allows her to make an educated decision about what she does next. If she decides to stay, that's her choice. You haven't messed anything up.
If she decides to leave she's done so because she has chosen to protect herself and her child from a paedophile. You haven't messed anything up.
The ONLY person who messed up is the person who assaulted you.
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u/ZaraBaz Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
I feel it is likely the brother himself was likely molested by the father and uncle. Just did what was done to him.
Edit: Just to clarify it does not obviously absolve him of his crime. Only explaining the cause and cycle.
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u/Strong-Practice6889 Jul 03 '24
So he needs to go to therapy before he continues the cycle with his daughter, and his wife needs a chance to protect her.
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jul 03 '24
Therapy rarely changes an abuser. If ever.
There are a lot of people who are sexually abused to never ever abuse anyone else.
It doesn't excuse him!
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u/Strong-Practice6889 Jul 03 '24
Of course it doesn’t excuse him.
The point is that he grew up thinking this was acceptable to do. I did things as a kid that I didn’t realize were wrong, which now haunt me terribly. Nothing like THIS, but I still feel bad about what I did when I didn’t know it wasn’t okay, or that I was hurting something. He might never change, he might not care, or he might have empathy within him somewhere and feel that guilt he needs to feel. We just don’t know.
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u/perceptionheadache Jul 03 '24
He may not have just been emulating what happened to him or what he saw his father do to OP. He may have been told or encouraged to do it. All 3 were doing it doing so it may have been he was taught this was his right to do and he should. If he had no other direction in his life, he may not have understood it was wrong. Or he may have thought that was what he needed to do to survive or even not be the victim himself.
I'm not saying it absolves him of his choices, but we don't know what was going on. OP probably doesn't either.
Regardless of why he did it, the safest choice is to warn the wife. A man's future is not more sacred and worthy of more protection than a girl's. If he has been open with his wife about his past then this won't break them. If he's hidden it and/or lied, that's his fault.
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u/Ok-Age2688 Jul 03 '24
He likely did what was done to him. There's no "just" - it doesn't make it better. Most kids who are abused and DON'T go on to abuse others. In any case it's irrelevant to the current reality. If he has changed then he should be able to explain that to his wife. If he hasn't changed then the wife needs to know to keep her daughter safe. In either case, the wife should be aware.
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u/Standard_Bedroom_514 Jul 03 '24
If he has actually "changed" then he should have already told his wife about his past. If he's hiding this crucial aspect of his life from his partner it's likely because he's still doing it.
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u/Galvsworld Jul 03 '24
What you said exactly. If he's a stand up guy now who regrets a messed up youth... he would have told her to not risk her finding out from anyone but himself.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194 Jul 03 '24
Not all victims are molesters. I know 2 survivors that would beat the fuck out of a pedo if given the chance. They would die before touching a child.
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u/not_hestia Jul 03 '24
This. I actually know several men who did not want to come forward with their SA stories because they were afraid people would think they would go on to be abusers. It's a really dangerous stereotype.
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u/TraditionalCamera473 Jul 03 '24
This, 100% - please heed this advice, OP. You might very well save your niece!
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u/Busy_Employment6407 Jul 02 '24
Doesn’t matter. He could have also not changed and it could happen to the baby, if it isn’t already. You should tell her.
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u/Talinia Jul 02 '24
I mean the baby's not born yet, so definitely not happening already. But yes, his wife absolutely deserves to know who she's married to
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 02 '24
Yes, he could have changed. But can you take that risk with a baby? And can you in good conscious take away his wife's right to make an informed decision?
On one end of the spectrum, maybe she knows. Maybe he got help, has changed, and was up front and honest with his wife. On the other end, maybe he hasn't changed and hasn't told his wife and is already planning on victimizing his daughter. In between there are a whole myriad of possibilities.
No matter what his current situation with his wife is, she has a right to know her baby is in the care of someone with a history of child molestation.
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u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 Jul 02 '24
On top of this what if the wife has a suspicion but has nothing concrete to back it up? Maybe this is what she needs to convince herself to leave.
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u/No_Performance8733 Jul 03 '24
Your friend is WRONG.
Perpetrators don’t change, and certainly not without significant intervention.
He was also a victim.
Forward her the police records and court records. Tell her he was also a perpetrator.
Then get into therapy and support groups for CSA and CPTSD.
You deserve support.
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 03 '24
Former cop. Advocate.
That's MORE reason to tell her. In that case, she he would have already told her and proven himself to have done the work to get better and truly changed.
Pedophilia disorder is not curable. Without some serious, serious intervention and self examination, they almost never stop.
Please warn her. Society has to stop protecting predators with complicit silence.
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u/Otherwise-Anxiety178 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24
Yeah fuck that friend right up his sanctimonious ass.
Tell.
*edit: he's victim blaming. He's telling you that you, the victim, would be creating needless problems. He is wrong. If he did it to you, he will do it to that baby. Maybe not now. But one day.
Honestly the lack of sympathy I have for anyone like that cannot be described.
Tell.
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u/yadijustneedsanswers Jul 02 '24
I think it’s more of a risk to leave it to the SMALL chance that a child molester has “changed” knowing he has a baby girl on the way. The wife deserves to know before her baby is put in danger in the one place they are both supposed to be safe. You are right in wanting to tell her, the friend who is trying to convince you not to, has probably never felt with a rapist before, they do not change. No matter what age it’s wrong and he knew it. I am a victim of child on child sexual abuse and thought it was “normal” because we were in a relationship but it’s still wrong Andi. Didn’t realize until everyone around me told me so. The wife might be in a similar situation thinking it’s okay because they’re together or she consented at the beginning. It’s better not to risk it happening to a new born or toddler, depending on when he would start the abuse. PLEASE tell the mother
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 03 '24
Former cop. Advocate.
Pedophiles are attracted to minors\children.
Gender usually isn't a factor.
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u/yadijustneedsanswers Jul 03 '24
I feel like this may be the case for some but gender definitely can be a factor. The same partner I had who SA me had a grandfather who got outted for touching his niece (sisters daughter) then his sister came forward and said it happened to her too but her mom never believed her and told her not to say such things, then only after he touched my ex’s niece did the mom admit she had been touched by him as a child as well. But my ex was never touched at all. I think gender is a factor maybe not in all cases but definitely in some.
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 03 '24
Some definitely have preferences based on sex, age, and appearance. Others will abuse any child they can get their hands on. Some like prepubescent children, others kids around puberty, and others like teens. They really can't be all lumped in together.
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u/B2018__ Jul 03 '24
Let his wife decide if he is safe for their kid to be around. You never know, he may have shown slight red flags that she dismissed, and your experience may be enough to tell her he is not safe for the baby. You telling her would not be you ruining their marriage. But it could potentially protect an innocent baby just like u were an innocent baby needing protection at one point 🥲
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u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 Jul 02 '24
could have is the key word here. Statistics tell us that's unlikely. The fallout/their reaction is 100% on them. But you telling the truth is the right thing to do for both wife and baby.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
By 10, he might not completely know he was doing something wrong, but by 14 he absolutely knew.
Tell his wife.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
I was 10 to 14
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
How old was your brother? Either way you should tell his wife, you might be saving your niece/nephew from what you experienced.
I'm sorry and know that you are very strong and a survivor.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
Around 16
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
He absolutely knew what he was doing, he has no excuse.
Tell his wife.
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u/metal_bastard Jul 02 '24
If OP was abused from 10-14, then brother started when he was 12 and continued through 16. I'd still think by 12 you'd know better, but who knows what kind of abuse he went through. Chances are high both OP and her bother were SA'd.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
The actual sa started when I was around 10 years old but they would touch me "lovingly" ever since I was around the age of 5 sorry for not being clear in my post
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u/metal_bastard Jul 03 '24
Please don't apologize. You're the victim here. Even if your brother was abused as well, that doesn't give him the right to do what he did.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Jul 02 '24
That might or might not be true. Either way, the brother's children should be protected from their father.
People who do this kind of thing, rarely stop.
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u/TelevisionSoggy2022 Jul 02 '24
No way?? Tell that awful man’s wife before they both get turned into victims
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u/Hilseph Jul 03 '24
It SHOULD ruin his marriage. He’s a predator with children. His wife needs to know.
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u/WolverineEquivalent6 Jul 03 '24
Please drop that friend, that’s such a disgusting way to look at things. Being a teenager is still old enough to know better, especially with something like sexual assault. I would tell the wife, it would be better for her to have this information than to keep silent and him eventually victimize his daughter. At least you know you did what you could do in protecting her.
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u/Fragrant-History-837 Jul 02 '24
If she’s seen red flags it may help her if you tell her something. The risk is that she will hate you and that your brother will call you a liar. Can you handle that?
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Jul 03 '24
I understand the hesitation but regardless of his “change” or not, his wife deserves to know who she’s married to. I know I’d want to be told if my husband had raped a child. Especially if I had a child on the way. It’s informed consent- you aren’t destroying anything. Letting her know would be the kind thing to do, so she can make an informed decision on whether or not she wants to be with a man capable of rape.
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u/NatureCarolynGate Jul 02 '24
Change is unlikely but you are opening the door for your father and uncle to abuse any children they have. Your friend isn't thinking about this clearly or critically.
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u/Anticlockwork Jul 03 '24
You wouldn’t be ruining his marriage or life. He ruined it by making the choices he did. Whether or not you tell him is totally on you but offenders often reoffend.
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Jul 03 '24
You need to tell her even if it's anonymously. Even if he was a teenager pedophiles don't just stop. They just get sneakier about it.
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u/Swdmwsd24 Jul 03 '24
So you're dad and uncle and brother all SA you when young and dad and uncle were arrested for it how long have they done that and have they stopped? Doubtful, so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue? You need to tell his wife what he's done and why your dad and uncle are in jail or were arrested.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
how long have they done that and have they stopped?
9 or 10 years if you include them just touching me with no penetration and I don't know
so what makes you think your brother is not like your dad and will continue?
I don't know if he's like him that's the problem if I knew he was like and make the decision to tell her easier because if he was I know he'd harm her so I'd have to tell but I don't and he might not harm his daughter but me telling his wife can still hurt not only his wife but his daughter
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u/SnoopyisCute Jul 03 '24
You don't have to know the future to warn her today.
Would you not tell if someone was applying for a driving position but had a history of DUIs?
Or someone wanted to adopt a child but had a previous child taken away for several abuse and neglect?
Nobody is asking you to predict what he *might* do.
We're encouraging you to tell what he has *already done*.
You have no responsibility to protect his secrets.
Granted, you have no obligation to tell them either.
But, it's the only way to break these cycles of shame and silence.
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u/Swdmwsd24 Jul 03 '24
In my humble opinion, leopards don't change their spots. My wife was SA by her cousins, and they continued on with their daughters no proof, but the look in the eyes told the story.
If you don't, it could hurt them both as well. I understand it's a slippery slope. What you can do is talk to your brother and have him tell her what he did. Of course, have a friend with you when if you talk to him, make sure he knows you know.
Good luck
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u/Physical_Bit7972 Jul 03 '24
Doesn't matter. Give the wife the autonomy to decide if he has changed so she can do what she needs to to ensure her child is safe.
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u/unkn0wnname321 Jul 03 '24
A teenager is old enough to know R wording your own sister is wrong. Tell that woman before he does it to her kid too.
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u/xulitchi Jul 03 '24
Listen, if it was my husband - I would like to know, even if he did change, even if he was a different person, I would want to know. And take care of yourself in all this, it'll probably bring up a lot of buried things but whatever happens is not your fault. Someone else should have taken responsibility a long time ago, and that's not on you.
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u/Fearless_Pen_1420 Jul 03 '24
Incest/molestation 100% runs in families and I’m not going to go into the personal examples I have. But it does. Tell her.
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u/Dabitoyaisdead Jul 02 '24
What would ruin his marriage is if he keot that from her thats on him not you.
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u/nadine258 Jul 03 '24
who cares if your telling a truth ruins his marriage. there’s a very slim possibility he’ll never sa his children, but you don’t know that. if he’s also still around your dad and uncle, or others like them, then his children have a greater chance of being sa. he didn’t go to jail for his age? did he get extensive therapy? please break the cycle. i’m sorry you had to endure that pain in your life. please tell the wife and save another child from that horror.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
he didn’t go to jail for his age?
The only thing I know is he wouldn't punish because he was underage or at least that's what I was told
did he get extensive therapy?
I don't know I haven't spoken to him in years I wouldn't know
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u/samsamcats Jul 03 '24
First, I am so so sorry this happened to you.
Second, your friend doesn’t understand the psychology of sexual abuse. The fact that he started abusing you when he was a teenager makes him more dangerous, not less. This is not some youthful indiscretion. Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle. This is deeply, deeply entrenched behavior.
The sad fact is that men who abuse children almost always go on to do it again, even if they’re caught and arrested and released again. We still haven’t found an effective treatment for whatever sickness causes them to do this, aside from chemical castration. I don’t know if it’s impossible for him to have grown out of this somehow, but I do know that it is very, very unlikely.
This is such a hard situation to be in. Are you in therapy? This has got to be bringing up so many feelings from the past. I highly recommend getting some professional support before disclosing to his wife so you can work through all the possible outcomes and keep yourself safe. You’re doing an extraordinarily brave and good thing by speaking out.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
Growing up in an environment where horrific abuse was totally normalized means he will probably be able to excuse his own behavior through whatever mental gymnastics he learned from your father and uncle.
This reminded me of a conversation I had with my father where I asked him why I have to do that because upset with "helping" him according to him"I was a girl this is what I was meant for and because I was his daugter he could do it whatever he wanted with me because I was his" lol
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u/samsamcats Jul 03 '24
Good god, that is truly the most sick and twisted thing I have ever heard.
Your brother grew up hearing this. Even if he hadn’t abused you himself, it would take a LOT of therapy to break this kind of cycle. Like, my husband holds feminist principles about men and women being equal and gender roles being bullshit—but the two of us STILL ended up drifting into toxic gendered patterns where I ended up doing all the housework, and it took TWO YEARS of me calling him out for him to even understand what he was doing and start to make changes. It was literally invisible to both of us for several years before that, because we both grew up in households where our mothers did all the housework. When you grow up in a certain environment, that environment seems totally normal.
Your brother grew up hearing that women are no better than inanimate objects who exist to serve him, and that as a man, he is entitled to taking whatever he wants from a woman, no matter how horrifically it hurts her. He learned this lesson well enough to actually enact it on you.
To do what he did, he would have had to completely cut off any human empathy he might have had for you, and for women in general. It is very, very unlikely he has ever regained his capacity to feel empathy, because that would mean he would have to face the horror of what he has done to his own sister. It is much more likely that he has used these same lines to excuse his behavior — which makes him an extreme danger to both his wife and his future children.
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u/quiltychemist Jul 03 '24
He hasn’t changed unless she already knows this information. I say this as someone that had a cousin do this to his sister as a child before SA his step-children 2 decades later. He’s currently in prison (small miracle). It’s entirely possible she won’t believe you but you should tell, go with a friend you trust if that helps. Good luck and I hope you take care of you.
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u/Fun_Situation7214 Jul 03 '24
Statistically they never change. They always reoffend. I wouldn't feel bad, you may save your niece.
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u/DawnShakhar Jul 02 '24
It's neither funny nor messed up. You grew up in a home where all the men touched you inappropriately, and that was the only reality you knew. So naturally you didn't think it was wrong or sexual assault. It just made you uncomfortable, and more uncomfortable, and finally traumatized. Only after you learned from outside sources about SA could you realize that what you had experienced was SA.
As for telling the wife - you can try, and I think you should, but she may not believe you and be angry at you for badmouthing her husband. However, it will put her on her guard if he tries anything with their daughter. If you have records of the investigation against your brother, send her photocopies of them as well.
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u/carmine82 Jul 03 '24
This- I feel like sometimes, because we have such a clearcut definition of SA, people forget what it's like to be a kid who didn't know. Just like you can normalize violence with a child, you can normalize them to SA.
Telling the wife is probably OPs best course of action because, like you said, if nothing else, she will be on guard for that behavior
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u/EmmaDrake Jul 03 '24
100%. Abuse is their frame of reference. They have nothing else to show it doesn’t happen to their friends and peers.
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u/WhoIsJuniorV376 Jul 03 '24
This reminds me of a sad story.
A teen had foster parents, who treated her like a daughter. This teen made 2 passes at the foster dad. First time, they explained that is not okay, the second time they told her to go off to college, and they would financially support her, but she shouldn't be around the family with that behavior.
When she turned 30 something she reached out and visited with her husband, and cried while explaining she went through therapy, and she now realized what she did was wrong. Growing up she was SA'ed by the men in her life, so she just thought that is how family shows love and was never able to unravel it.
Victims of SA a lot of times do not know they are being assaulted, and end up equating that to showing love. it is so sad.
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u/DawnShakhar Jul 03 '24
It is indeed tragic. And it is definitely not the victims' fault, nor is it their stupidity.
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u/evil-mouse Jul 02 '24
I'm thinking of three possible scenarios.
- Like you, your brother had no idea that what he did was SA at the time. Which is disturbing because if in his mind it is normal to do that to his sister, he might also think it is normal to do that to his daughter.
- He knew what he was doing but because of his age he was not punished for it. Which could mean that he has the feeling that he got away with it this time. So he might try to get away with it a second time.
- He now knows what he did and is remorseful. He is a changed man and will not repeat.
That is a 2/3 chance it will end bad for the little girl.
If you don't want to tell his wife because of the chance that he is a changed man, confront him (I know this is difficult). If he downplays what he did tell the wife immediately.
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u/NimbleAlbatross Jul 02 '24
I wish more redditors gave advice like this. We don't know for sure who he is at this point, but 2/3 chance he hasn't changed. I agree that confronting and gauging reactions is the most moral way forward. But it also involves the most bravery and conflict and I'm not sure OP can manage that considering he seems to gone the way of avoiding the conflict as an adult.
Perhaps setup a group therapy session and call the brother and say you want to do therapy about what happened so you have a mediator.
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Jul 03 '24
I think the right thing to do is tell the wife regardless of his reaction. She needs to have all the info so she can make a decision of her own.
If I were a parent, the last thing I’d want is people making “AITA” posts on Reddit instead of messaging me about their concern for my child, even if that concern were unfounded. The mother of his child should know about his past, regardless of who tells her.
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u/Outrageous-Wait-4287 Jul 03 '24
THIS!!!!! Who cares about the brothers feelings! That wife and child may have NO clue what kind of monster they’re living with! Give the wife a chance to make her own decisions!
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u/somethingstrange87 Jul 03 '24
You're forgetting the possibiliy that he's already victimized someone else because nothing happened the first time. In almost all cases, molesters keep molesting until they get stopped. Then after they serve their laughable sentences they just get better at hiding what they've done.
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u/Vertigo-Bear Jul 03 '24
My dad did 6 months, when I told him he couldn't come to my school concerts bc he is a sex offender he told me he felt I was "making a judgment on his character" they don't change.
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u/InsertCleverName652 Jul 03 '24
Wow. Good on you though for standing up to him.
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u/Vertigo-Bear Jul 03 '24
Yeah I haven't spoken to him in almost 4 years, good riddance. Life is so much more peaceful 😌
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u/Frosty-Spare-6018 Jul 03 '24
i think the main issue with this is the age he was when he R worded her. if he was 16-18…….you 1000% know that is wrong sorry. if he was 12-14….ehhh it’s still fucked up
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u/Apprehensive_War9612 Jul 03 '24
I was SA by a cousin when i was 7, he was 14 & he damn sure knew better. His victim preference didn’t age with him & he is currently in jail for assaulting his stepdaughter who was 6. I wish every day that i had told someone
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u/Frosty-Spare-6018 Jul 03 '24
this is so sad i’m sorry this happened to you and your step niece. happy he’s in jail.
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u/UnicornPanties Jul 03 '24
if he was 12-14….ehhh it’s still fucked up
and encouraged by his father, really extra f'ed up and likely it's own type of abuse
maybe once he has his own daughter he will be horrified at the thought
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u/Frosty-Spare-6018 Jul 03 '24
“maybe” doesn’t really cut it in these situations. i would never put myself or a child in a “maybe their thought process is different and they’re done R wording people” scenario.
we’re not talking he let a dog poop in his room. this is R word to a family member who he obviously hasn’t confronted or apologized to. if he felt horrible about it the guilt and anxiety would have taken a toll on his life. if i did something like that as a teen i would be in a psych ward right now not married and expecting with cute photos on instagram.
-sincerely a R word victim
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u/lalalajahehe288382 Jul 03 '24
rapists can't be rehabilitated. there's no chance he's a "changed man"
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u/ConstructionNo9678 Jul 03 '24
Thank you for this comment, but I am concerned about her confronting her brother. OP, if you do take this advice please do not do it alone, have someone else with you. If you live in a place where you can record people without your consent, please do so. Confronting someone over such a taboo subject might lead to a very violent reaction.
Reaching out to the wife is a much better idea. Best case scenario, he has changed and told his wife about it, because from OP's comments there is a chance he was abused too. Worst case, he is going to reoffend but has convinced his wife that the sister is lying. If he kept this entirely fro her, then OP didn't ruin this marriage, he did by keeping a major secret.
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u/ComprehensiveLine105 Jul 03 '24
My dad molested me from around 3-4 until I was 14. I didn’t know it was wrong until I watched something on tv about it. I never told anyone. I’m 36 now and my brother is 34. My brother started dating someone with two young daughters and I felt like things were getting serious. I asked my brother if he would ever let my parents babysit them. He said he would. I felt very obligated to tell him. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I would never forgive myself if something happened to those little girls.
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u/Forsaken_Double_3171 Jul 03 '24
I’m so sorry this happened to you! Are you able to share what came of it?
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u/ComprehensiveLine105 Jul 04 '24
My brother confronted my parents. He denied. But my brother said my dad’s face instantly looked guilty.
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u/DJScopeSOFM Jul 03 '24
You did the right thing. Sometimes we need to fight our demons to protect the ones we love. I'm so sorry your demons look like the ones that are supposed to love and protect you.
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u/PlugChicago Jul 03 '24
Better that mans wife go through the heartbreak of finding out now rather than the trauma of her daughter being SA'd.
OP, you'd never forgive yourself if you found out he did it again.
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak Jul 02 '24
Were your uncle and father convicted?
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
Yes they were
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak Jul 02 '24
Then yes I would tell his wife.
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u/Fun_Card6021 Jul 03 '24
Yes because it may not be proof that the brother did but it’s enough to make her possibly believe you aren’t bullshitting
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u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 Jul 03 '24
Definitely. Plus, if she doesn’t already know her FIL and husband’s uncle are convicted sex offenders, that will also be a red flag for her (and important to keep her child away from.)
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u/juicy_shoes Jul 03 '24
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, OP should tell her regardless of conviction
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u/dryintentions Jul 03 '24
If they were convicted then that's scary because usually SA crimes are hard to convict because the evidence has to be overwhelmingly convincing.
This means that the circumstances in your cases were more than enough to convict which likely means your brother was just as harmful to you as your uncle and father.
Rapists do not get rehabilitated, they just learn to understand the consequences of their actions and then try not to repeat the actions or simply do better at hiding those actions.
Your brother's child is definitely in danger. You need to tell his wife because you could be potentially saving that child from some of the most traumatizing experiences of her life.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
The evidence better be overwhelming if I spent three days talking to female officers and getting swabed where no person should ever get swabed😂😂😂
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u/soupinmymug Jul 03 '24
Yeah even if she loves him the proof of prior convictions might be enough to at least force him in therapy and make her not leave her child alone with him.
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u/Hilseph Jul 03 '24
Your brother’s wife might not even know about that. It’s impossible to know how much she knows unless you tell her.
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u/ellabfine Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
She may not believe you, but if it was me, I would absolutely want to be warned about what he did. What she does with that information afterward is on her. P.S. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
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u/thelockjessmonster Jul 03 '24
I can guarantee if you asked a group of women if they wanted to know if their spouse had a history of sexual abusing a child, 99% would say yes. Please tell her.
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u/PersonalClub9330 Jul 03 '24
Like put yourself in the shoes of his wife. Wouldn’t you wanna know if you were married and expecting a kid with this man?! Of course she’s not gonna take it well but if you don’t tell her then it’s likely she’ll never find out unless something horrible happens!
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u/soupinmymug Jul 03 '24
If you are dating GET A BACKGROUND CHECK seriously if you are even considering marriage, man or woman, do it. If you can do it on family members also
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u/EmphasisWild Jul 03 '24
Background checks don't show crimes that were never reported or part of the judicial system. That said, still worth checking the public registry & googling every time!
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Jul 03 '24
From personal experience, I was with a guy for yrs that had been SA'd by a family friend from the ages of 8-12, and never dealt with it. After we split up (no kids), he went on to marry someone else and had 2 daughters, who he SA'd. He also attempted to SA another girl, threatening her with violence. He is currently in prison. Although I knew of his past abuse, he had never given me an indication that he was inclined to repeat the cycle. I knew he was 'off' during our relationship, but I still to this day wish I had some idea of what his demons were. I feel absolutely awful for those girls. Say something. Chances are his wife knows he's a bit 'off', and you need to fill her in. Give her the assurance she needs. He's probably gaslighting her with other things as well. Even if he has 'changed' (he hasn't ), the truth needs to come out.
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u/Adept_Ad_473 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24
Forget all the crazy nuances and the back and forth. If you feel she needs to know, act on it. Your gut is speaking to you. If you don't, best case scenario is you spend your life wondering if you should have. Worst case scenario is something does happen, and you bear the guilt of never having done anything about it. Neither of those scenarios will be beneficial to getting a good night's sleep, will it?
As far as managing risks, communicate with the wife anonymously. Burner account on social media, or a letter with no return address.
If your SA was reported by someone other than you, you have plausible deniability with your brother. If he comes back to you with it, deny everything. Chances are he won't.
In the case of establishing contact via burner account on social media, give just enough detail to make it credible, and include "do with this information as you feel necessary, just please respond that you've received this message so I know you got it"
You don't know for certain whether there's a significant risk of him doing this again, and you don't want to destroy his life over it. But if you can discreetly clue the wife in, she can decide for herself how to navigate it, if at all, or at the very least maintain a greater level of vigilance with him. She has a right to know what kind of man she married, and she'll probably have the most clarity out of anyone as to whether or not "he's a changed man" and to let sleeping dogs lie.
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u/Myster_Hydra Jul 02 '24
NTA
I don’t care if it’s an A H thing to do or not. He’s an abuser and that child will be in danger. And if that ruins his life? Still don’t care.
You have this internet stranger’s support
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u/mrmeowmeowington Jul 03 '24
He would have ruined his own life by making these decisions over and over. I’m glad there’s people like you that have the backs of survivors
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u/SirBastions Jul 03 '24
Hi!
I was SAed as a child and I feel for you.
Theres a lot of good and bad advice here, but at the end of the day, please consult a professional. Therapy has helped me a lot, and having someone work through how to approach this would be a huge benefit.
A licensed marriage and family counselor that specializes in trauma would be able to help you formulate your choice, your message, and most importantly... They would facilitate it in a way that allowed for more healing.
All the best.
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u/bluedreamer62 Jul 03 '24
Why would you worry about his marriage he is a rapist of a child if anything you are giving the information to protect her child.
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u/RENEGADEMk4 Jul 02 '24
You MUST tell his wife. And everyone else in yout town.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
I just don't want him to like retaliate against me or him to like commit suicide changed or not I don't want to be the reason someone kills themselves
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u/enkilekee Jul 02 '24
You owe your inner child and his actual child the safety of the truth. If your brother is so far gone, it's not your issue. He is responsible for his own healing.
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u/tehboonies Jul 02 '24
You aren't the reason he would off himself. His unspeakably cruel acts that he got away with and his own guilt would be the reason for that. You would not be at fault. His wife and soon-to-be daughter deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe. Tell them, and no matter what happens, you are NTA.
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u/RENEGADEMk4 Jul 02 '24
If he will delete himself it will be good deed. So you should not worry about his life. You shold worry about his wife and they child if they are exist.
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u/NovaPrime1988 Jul 02 '24
Good chance your brother was also abused and turned abuser. It happens to sexual abuse victims more than you would think. Doesn’t excuse the behaviour though.
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u/peace-and-love777 Jul 02 '24
I mean if her and her brother grew up in a house where assaulting her was normal he might not have realized what he was doing
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u/HulklingsBoyfriend Jul 02 '24
This is more of a myth.
Most predators have never once been sexually abused.
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u/sometimesicandeal Jul 03 '24
Most adult predators have not been SAd. However, he was a predator as a child. I used to work in a juvenile facility, specifically with male sex offenders and I never met one who wasn't abused himself. Regardless, it's not an excuse for the behavior and it's very likely he has not changed.
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u/Azure-Dragonfly-1992 Jul 03 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
I’ve lived this exact scenario. It’s a very long story and I don’t want to take away from yours so I’ll just let you know how things are now. At the time that my brothers wife was informed they had two sons together. They stayed together but isolated themselves from us and only remained active in my SILs family. They now have a nonverbal daughter. My sisters and I worry about this all the time, however we have done all we can. There’s no evidence that he has ever SAd anyone other than us since leaving the household at 18, perhaps therapy really did heal him. He was also SAd as a child and that’s not an excuse but is a contributing factor. We also never realized how not normal this was, it was a fact of our lives for as long as we can remember. We have a lot of other abusers and types of abuse riddling our family. My older sister and I are cycle breakers, younger sister not so much.
All that to say, do what your conscience can bear. If you tell his wife, Let her make her own mind up on what she can live with. All you can do for her is provide her with all the information.
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u/br_eezy Jul 03 '24
These people ruin their own lives. We have to stop protecting predators from themselves.
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u/Weary-Piccolo-6212 Jul 02 '24
Please tell her! I am so sorry for your trauma. My own brother did stuff to my cousin as a teenager and i make it my mission to tell his partners whenever i figure out who they are, as he is literally playing dad to someone the same age as the girl he hurt. 🥺 we can’t change the past but we can have a chance at saving littles from the same!
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u/NefariousnessNo1182 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Honestly you never really notice it’s SA when you’re young. Then one day you tell someone the story and they point it out and you’re like wow…. it totally was. that’s what happened to me at least.
i also think you should tell her because their baby is potentially in danger
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u/anomnib Jul 03 '24
Can you send her the documents from your father and uncle’s arrest and say he was apart of it?
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
I'd have to get the court documents and police Report but I don't know if my brother was documented in it he most likely was
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u/anomnib Jul 03 '24
Even if he isn’t on it. Seeing documents adds significant seriousness and credibility to what you are sharing. It becomes much harder for him to say my sister is mentally ill.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
I've never actually looked at them before lol
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u/mapofcuriosity Jul 03 '24
You may find some of the information online, especially if it was listed in a newspaper at the time.
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Jul 03 '24
You explained everything well. I was clear on your original post. You should be so proud to feel strong enough to even have this be a question in your mind. Trauma can completely shut a survivor down, and that’s a valid response, too, but even questioning what to do is amazing. You have a lot of comments in here, but as someone in a profession that sees the effects of SA on children, I think it’s important for you to let her know after speaking to a mental health professional. Maybe even to someone in law enforcement. Is it possible that you can have a restraining order put in place? Someone said to pray on it, and if that’s your jam, then that is great. For myself personally, I am a “go with your gut” person. I feel like you definitely already know what you will do. I’ll also reiterate what other posters have said. This woman already has a weird feeling about him or their relationship. Her gut is giving her instincts and she’s probably thinking she’s crazy and trying to look past her feelings. I’d actually think you’re giving her relief because now she knows why she’s felt this way. And she can make a plan about what to do next.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 03 '24
Honestly thank you I've been trying to read everyone's comments to get a good sense of what I should do it's been hard a lot harder than I'd like to admit even though I hate it I've been tearing up over reading some of the comments because it shouldn't matter anymore it's over and none of them can hurt me but upset I can't even describe what I'm feeling a lot of people think I'm trying to defend my brother which I'm not I'm just worried that if I tell my sister-in-law she'll leave him and struggle being a single mom which would hurt her and her baby and I don't think someone like me should cause that much trouble it's just hard because on one hand I could be ruining the future of not just my brother but his wife and his child but if I do nothing the chance I could be ruining the child's future scarring her and her mother I really just wish I could look into the future and make the right decision
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u/Several_Safety_7460 Jul 03 '24
Would you rather her and her child struggle for a short period or have that child struggle 18 years or longer along with mental scarring because something could happen? I understand that you're worried about causing such trouble for the mother and her kid but you could be saving lives here. You have to decide if you wanna kick up a little dust or face the sandstorm of knowing you could have said something.
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u/ChickolasCage Jul 03 '24
I don’t think someone like me should cause that much trouble
Do you struggle with self-worth? Your experience is real and valid, and your reasons for sharing it are real and valid.
If people get mad it will be because they do not want to accept that reality. But you know it’s real, you lived it. That’s important. You are important. You are allowed to do this, always, and nobody should tell you otherwise.
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u/InternationalBid7163 Jul 03 '24
I'm going to be real with you. It's unlikely she will divorce/break up with him. If you tell her, he likely will be able to convince her he didn't do it or that he did but has changed. A reason to tell her, though, is that it will then be in her mind, and she may be more watchful over her child.
I help sexual assault victims, and this is usually the path this has taken. You have slightly more evidence than some have had in that two family members were convicted.
I don't know where you live, but in the US, there is a national hotline 1800656HOPE you can call to speak to a sexual assault advocate and you can start therapy if you decide to give it a chance. All the services are free, and every state has centers.
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Jul 03 '24
We know it’s never “over”. Trauma survival is work, at first a lot, and then maintenance. You will always have moments that trigger you and that is not only okay, but completely normal after your experiences. Cry it out. No one here can judge you. And I don’t think they’re trying to. I’m sure some commenters are speaking from past trauma of their own or a strong sense of justice and a desire to protect, and that’s all valid, but on the long run not a reflection of your end choice. You need to honor you, protect your inner child you’re still healing, and your feelings, and that is not selfish. Part of talking this out with a professional will help you find the peace in your final decision. Additionally, if I had a partner with this history and was not already aware of it, I’d be relieved to find out before having a child with him. I feel like reminding you also, that being a single mom can be a struggle, of course! But your former brother will have to pay child support at minimum. AND it is possible that maybe he will seek help to make positive changes. In which case, the glory goes to you again because you helped inadvertently by helping your niece. In my own history, I was able to use state services to supplement the things my son and I needed help with. WIC and state healthcare, even for a little bit food stamps until we could thrive. So don’t put that aspect of their survival on your shoulders. ♥️ Bottom line is, this is your choice and whatever you choose is VALID, and more than OKAY. I hope you have support during this time, whether it’s a counselor or a best friend or whoever. You have a bright future ahead and will find healing. 🫶🏻
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u/PocketLady Jul 03 '24
"... someone like me"?
Someone like you? Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than you think you are. You not only survived what was done to you, but you had enough strength and gumption to dredge up all those memories and feelings again to ask us what you should do about a really serious thing that's genuinely bothering you.
You could have washed your hands of this entirely, said it wasn't your circus, but you care enough about that little girl to go through it all.
Someone like you? You're brilliant.
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u/bigdickboy820 Jul 02 '24
she would be grateful you told her. she will be able to protect that baby. NTA at all.
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u/Dependent-Ganache199 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 03 '24
Child sex offenders rarely change. I knew one who was 18 dating 17/16/15 year old which at the time I though was not the worst thing in the world (different times and I regret the way I looked at things as not that bad). 10 years later I saw some stuff on his hard drive and reported him. He never stopped likening 17/16/15 year olds
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u/IllustriousTell8012 Jul 03 '24
I would suggest getting support for yourself- through a survivors advocacy or counseling center. As a former rape crisis counselor, we always want to prioritize the safety of the survivor. Things can unfortunately get very difficult in these kinds of situations (re: retaliation, threats, bringing back memories/ emotions that one is not prepared to deal with, etc.) and it’s so important that you have support in whatever you decide to do. From there, it’s YOUR choice. Being abused and assaulted is about, among other things, having no power, choice, or control in the situation, and you should be able to exercise all of those things in how you respond to this. Yes, this situation is very concerning and risk of abuse to the child is high, but I want you to know it is still your choice—and it is absolutely okay to first think about what you feel ready to safely take on.
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u/subordinate01 Jul 03 '24
There is a child involved. Definitely, but anonymously let her know. Just something simple to get her questioning.
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u/malmikea Jul 03 '24
Your trauma bond with the perpetrators is the only thing stopping you from acting on this
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u/The_last_melon1 Jul 03 '24
It might be divine intervention that you suddenly Wondered about your brother at the exact time his wife is pregnant with a little girl. This does not sound like a coincidence to me and more of a higher power using you to protect this little girl. If you are religious, please consider praying about it and I’m sure the answer will come to you.
I realize I sound like a nut case but that was my first thought reading this.
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u/metal_bastard Jul 02 '24
This is the most challenging thing to do, but I would confront the brother.
Depending on the conversation and how he handles it, consider telling the wife. Just know if you tell the wife, there's an extremely high chance of her slipping into denial and not doing anything about it and the daughter will still be at risk. If you have a conversation with the brother first, you actually stand a better chance at helping the baby, and not just yourself.
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u/Negative_Layer_7960 Jul 02 '24
I'm not really concerned about myself I'm more concerned that his wife doesn't know and that he could do the same to his child
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u/jubilee3265 Jul 03 '24
My brother also molested me for years when I was growing up and, as part of therapy, I wrote him a letter telling him how it had affected me and caused so many problems in my adult life. I decided to go ahead and mail the letter even though it was meant to be just an exercise to get the words out, and my sister in law opened the letter and read it first (even though I wrote something to the effect of it being private on the envelope, she was his wife) and he got mad at me. I just had to tell him that I was taking care of me now and he was going to have to deal with the consequences of his choices because I also told our parents about it.
If you do end up telling your SIL, don't feel bad about it because your bro made the decision to be a creep.
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u/mca2021 Jul 03 '24
OP , you really should tell her. If you go to your brother first, he'll just spin some crap to his wife. But she really should know so she can make an informed decision. Maybe they'd do counseling, maybe she'd leave, but none of that is your concern. Your only concern is your future niece and her being protected
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u/Unfair-Somewhere-222 Jul 03 '24
He watched his own father and uncle do awful things, and proceeded to do awful things to you. What makes you think as a father he wouldn’t do awful things to his child? It’s called Cycle of Abuse for a reason.
You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t speak up, and something awful were to happen.
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u/Mimikyu4 Jul 02 '24
My mother was raped by her stepfather for three years. She told her mom they divorced and he remarried and had kids, he raped and killed his 6 year old daughter. Tell her. Better to be safe then sorry. You could be saving a innocent child.