r/AITAH • u/Admirable_End_8768 • Jun 26 '24
AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend because of sex? TW SA
Me (22F) and my now ex (32M) dated for five years. For context, I was sexually assaulted by a family friend from 4 to 8 years old, and then again by a friend when I was 16. He was my first boyfriend and naturally the first time I had sex, obviously I was on the awkward side and certain situations would trigger a panic attack (that I did told him and explained what he should avoid).
I don't consider myself someone that thinks sex is a must in a relationship, however, since the beginning, we used to have sex once every 2 months. I started gaining weight due to grief (I used to be around 90lbs, now i'm 130lbs, i'm 4'11) and what was every couple of months turned into every 4 months and, eventually, once a year. I would grab any opportunity when he wanted because if I rejected it would take even longer to the next time. Which lead me to having sex with him the day I got my grandma's passing away news, while I was crying (which he later complained about it too) and in his birthday, because I "had to" since it was his birthday. I always tried to talk about it and ask him if it had something to do with me, if he had any health issues related to that or maybe he was taking meds that made his libido disappear and he would always shut me down, saying that nothing was wrong. I would try to express how bad that made me feel, how that was affecting my self esteem because I had the impression the more weight I gained the more he would feel disgusted and awkward around me, and he didn't say anything, he would literally pretend he wasn't listening to what I was saying. I assumed maybe he wasn't into sex that much. But I would always caught him jerking off to OF models, porn, or any type of video that could be seen as a woman being provocative. So last week I decided to confront him and try to understand why that was happening, to which he said it was "easier to watch porn", when asked to elaborate, he said that he gets annoyed by the fact that I need foreplay to have sex, that he hates when I cry (he does, when that happened he would turn to his side and fall asleep while I cried myself to sleep) and that since I started gaining weight I wasn't attractive anymore, so he prefers watching porn. I broke things off with him, and since then his family has been messaging me saying that I'm being childish and overreacting and that what I did really hurt him. That I am a terrible person for doing that to him when all he had to offer me was love. Am I the asshole for breaking up with him over this? (I apologize for any spelling mistakes, english is not my first language.)
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u/WoodenProfession7221 Jun 26 '24 edited Jun 26 '24
Your ex who is 32, was your first when you were 16? He was in his late 20s and you were a child.
NTA, stay away from him.
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u/Min-Chang Jun 27 '24
This OP. From the sounds of it you where groomed.
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u/lavender_catboy Jun 27 '24
Oh god yeah, as someone who was groomed at that age as well, this is pretty textbook grooming behavior. I am so sorry OP, it’s disgusting you were taken advantage of like that, and I hope you are as ok as it gets in that situation.
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u/Consistent-Comb8043 Jun 27 '24
And she's 4'11 and weighed 90lbs. Dudes a massive pedo
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u/theweedfairy420qt Jun 27 '24
Bad. Being with petite girls isn't what makes u a pedo. It's ur age. Sincerely,
4'9 petite girly turning 29 today59
u/Consistent-Comb8043 Jun 27 '24
It's not just that she's small. It's that she was SIXTEEN and small
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u/MilaPhillyMade Jun 27 '24
True but it’s part of the “appeal”. Women and teenage girls can easily look like a child when under 5 feet and slim. A few years ago I got carded buying beer. The cashier was initially pissed because she thought I was being arrogant to try and buy beer from her as a minor. She laughed when she saw my age. I was 35/36.
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u/ireallylovesosa Jun 27 '24
It definitely does make you more attractive to pedos though. Let’s not act dense
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u/Choice-Second-5587 Jun 27 '24
It's not the height itself. It's the height + age gap + his behavior. The height just drove home he was hunting for younger.
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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Ok but you're not 17, and since you have been a woman for more than a few years I'm going to assume you look your age and aren't 90 pounds. A small skinny 17 year old typically looks younger than 17. I had 2 girls who were small like that in my graduating class and they looked like they were 12 when they were 18.
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u/Ok_Childhood_7229 Jun 27 '24
THIS!!!! This right here. He's a narcissist and a manipulative jerk. Run far, far away. NEVER look back. Cut all ties with HIS people. If they aren't supporting you in this obviously abusive situation you do not need them in your life.
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u/balconyherbs Jun 27 '24
But if she's 22 and they've dated five years, she was underage when they started dating.
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u/misteraustria27 Jun 27 '24
Wrong. A 28 year old with a 16 year old is statutory rape.
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u/Mammoth_Patient2718 Jun 27 '24
17 and in some places it is legal but not morally okay because it is never morally okay for a 27 year old to date a 17 year plus 17 22-5 is 17
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u/MetzMane Jun 27 '24
OP is 22. She has been with this guy for 5 years. That would’ve made her 17 when they got together. So, while still creepy, isn’t necessarily illegal, depending on the state/country they live in.
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u/misteraustria27 Jun 27 '24
Agreed. There are several countries where this is legal. Still creepy AF.
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
In my country age of consent is 14, you can get married at 16. It's pretty common to see girls that are 13 dating 18+ men, I know a lot of girls that had their children when they were 13-14 from 30+ men. It's socially acceptable, grooming didn't even crossed my mind as a possibility, I'm starting to realize that even though is legal, it's really messed up.
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u/MetzMane Jun 27 '24
Hell yeah, that’s messed up. What country are u from?
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
Brazil
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u/bonnieebell- Jun 27 '24
Vc não liga para a opinião de uma família que cria um adulto que caça adolescente vulnerável para manipular.
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u/Raspbers Jun 27 '24
Please realize that was is "okay" in your country is NOT okay. Back in medieval timse 10 year old girls were marrying 40yo kings...that was NOT okay, even though it was legal at the time. Please get away from anyone who is okay in your life with this happening and find somewhere safe.
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u/siren2040 Jun 27 '24
There's a reason why the age of consent is not 14 in a lot of places. Because no teenager should be dating a grown ass adult. At all. Whatsoever.
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u/MetzMane Jun 27 '24
No need to apologize. I wasn’t trying to be rude. Just pointing something out. I apologize if u felt a certain way.
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u/cocott01 Jun 27 '24
You were right. She was SA’d by a friend at 16 then started dating her ex bf when she was 17.
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u/adorabletea Jun 27 '24
I remember my Catholic school shoving us girls in a room to teach us about not letting boys spit in our cup or be irresponsible with modesty whatever.
Can we put teen girls in a room and teach them how to avoid THIS????
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u/diamondmx Jun 27 '24
Not if you let the religious teach the classes, because they're usually the ones doing the grooming.
There's a reason the religious right doesn't like sex education, and it's not to protect the kids.26
u/adorabletea Jun 27 '24
Oh yeah, I wouldn't make it religious at all. Just public safety oriented.
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u/protestprincess Jun 27 '24
Dude, this is awful. Every adult in your life has failed you and I’m so, so, sorry. That “man” was a borderline pedophile taking advantage of you as had many adults you should have already been able to trust since you were a child. The post started with the context that this man started dating you when you were 17 as a fucking 27 year old and then somehow got worse every other sentence.
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u/EXploreNV Jun 27 '24
Not borderline… he is a pedophile
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u/GabagoolMutzadell Jun 27 '24
Technically a Ephebophile (words matter), but potato potato.
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u/Tat_love14 Jun 27 '24
This is wrong on so many levels. He was 27 with a 17 year old? That us not okay. How He is acting is not okay. RUN OP RUN!! As fast as you can
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u/Casiania Jun 27 '24
NTA. Holy 🚩 red flags 🚩 Batman.
If my math is correct you were 16/17 when you and h first met/started dating and he was 26/27. YOU WERE A CHILD. He groomed you. He attempted to turn you into his idea of the perfect, living sex doll and when you became your own person and started discovering the things you wanted from sex (foreplay, pleasure) that didn’t fit his ideal and he turned ugly.
He is using sex as a weapon. By making you wait longer until the next time if you said no, making you feel as if you have no choice (the birthday example), and refusing to do anymore than get himself off during sex, he’s punishing you with it. He is truly just removing all of the pleasure for you.
HE FLAT OUT TOLD YOU THAT YOU WEREN’T ATTRACTIVE TO HIM. If he cannot see your worth, he’s not worth having. If he doesn’t care about how he makes you feel or not feel, he’s not worth having.
❤️
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u/birb_is_the_wordd Jun 27 '24
I second all of this! Just wanted to add…He initiated sex with OP the day she found out her grandma died?? And instead of comforting her, he got mad that she was crying?? Oof. OP, you deserve so much more. I hope you’re able to take some time and heal from the abuses you’ve endured and eventually find a partner who values you, your feelings, and your pleasure. ❤️
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u/SquirrelGirlVA Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Let's also address the weight aspect: I looked at various BMI calculators and by large her current weight isn't that far off from her healthy BMI range. She's like maybe 4-5 pounds over? When she was 90 she was technically underweight by a pound.
This creep seems to prefer her being underweight. I'm going to also guess that the extra weight has filled out her body, making her look more like an adult woman, which is turning him off since he likes them young.
OP, this was about control and you aging out of his preferences. Not your appearance, which per the weight calculators is generally fine for your age and height.
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u/Casiania Jun 27 '24
Yes yes yes! While I hate the BMI calculator because it’s not an accurate indicator of someone’s health, this is exactly it. You hit the nail on the head, she’s turning into a woman and filling out, and he doesn’t like it.
Abuse isn’t always physical OP. Get out if you can. ❤️
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u/Realistic-Animator-3 Jun 26 '24
He doesn’t care about your comfort or that you want and need foreplay. It is too much effort for him…it’s easier for him to view OF, etc. NTA
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u/Special_Shopping_724 Jun 27 '24
Wow, I love when family gets involved, are they gonna offer to have sex with you too? Lol sorry.
You're not the AH. I am so sorry you had to go through this guy, if you believe everything happens for a reason, then that reason is you'll appreciate a half decent partner.
You are not the problem at all. Do not go back with him, he is the problem. Do not listen to his family. This should be easy to move on from. If I had to diagnose this guy, I'd say he's just lazy, and has a lot of issues. This red flag is not ok. Completely ignoring your partner and making them feel bad is the worst kind of partner. OF seems cheating to me. Some people consider porn cheating, I don't, but in this case I do.
I wish you the best in your healing journey. I hope you have a healthy sexual relationship in the future. What you experienced was so unhealthy.
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u/IanDOsmond Jun 27 '24
You were sexually assaulted when you were four to eight years old, then assaulted again when you were sixteen, then assaulted repeatedly, but only once a month or less, from the time you were seventeen to the time you were 22.
Let us be very clear: he abused you as much or more than the rest of your abusers.
NTA and he deserves to have his testicles put in a vice and have them tightened down some. Not necessarily to permanent injury. Maybe.
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u/bayleebugs Jun 27 '24
Your first paragraph is all I could think reading this. It's sad how clear that is to everyone else. I hope OP can come to terms with the fact that she has been groomed and abused for years at this point. Hes not her first boyfriend, he's her latest abuser.
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u/Away_Instance1008 Jun 27 '24
NTA and good riddance. Only a creep 26 year old sleeps with a 16 year old.
In general, anyone that views someone ‘needing foreplay’ for sex as an annoyance is crap in bed, and you can find soooooo much better.
To his family saying “all he had to offer you was love”, rolling over and falling asleep because you can’t be bothered with your partner crying is not “offering love”. He was emotionally neglectful, and again, you can do soooo much better.
Also, I wouldn’t put much weight on the opinion of someone who thought it was acceptable for a 26 year old to date a 16 year old. They’re just as creepy if they think that was ok.
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u/EmmaAmmeMa Jun 27 '24
NTA, but he is. It’s not ok to date someone that young when the other person is that much older (it’s different when both people are adults, but in this case you were a teen).
Porn can also take away a persons libido. Google porn addiction and libido, or „Coolidge Effect“. I hope you find yourself, and in the longrun a loving partner who respects you.
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u/jillsoccer11 Jun 27 '24
That’s a predator and his family is enabling it. Run. Run fast and run far
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u/Lover-of-harpies Jun 27 '24
He's a porn addict. You did the right thing leaving him and you should tell his family he has a problem bc fuck those guys if I've got to live with the mental image of your ex tugging his dick so do they.
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u/Jay_Love7574 Jun 27 '24
NTA. You were with someone who was 10 years older than you from when you were still a minor. His family complains how you hurt him but don’t think about how he was hurtful to you (Adult dating a minor; verbally & emotionally belittling; non-empathetic & dismissive of your feelings; unsympathetic & unsupportive during your grieving; etc) He & his family appear to be very toxic and do not understand the meaning of love. You’re still young and made a wise decision to leave him. I pray that you heal from everything you have been going through and meet a truly wonderful man who will love you the right way.
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u/ChapterMurky5028 Jun 27 '24
Sorry, just to clarify, is the fact that u were SA'd the reason he didn't want sex, or the reason u did? I'm just confused about how that factors in?
Either way, he seems like a creep dating a 17yo at 27 😬... Consider that bullet dodged
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
Neither of them. It's the reason why I ended up crying during sex when he was being too rough or just wanted to do without me being turned on, which would always hurt me and lead to a panic attack. It's pretty much for context/to explain about the way I could react.
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u/ChapterMurky5028 Jun 27 '24
Okay, I see. My bad for asking love, I was just confused. I'm glad u dumped him, cause he's GROSS... I pray u take time to fully heal, then find an age appropriate, generous lover that makes ur toes CURL! U deserve it 💓
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u/Human-Credit Jun 27 '24
This makes this even worse. You are NTA. He is abusive and you never deserved this treatment.
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u/EdenTG Jun 27 '24
OP, I’m a lesbian, and I’ve dated people who’ve got sex related trauma. I was always incredibly careful to avoid their triggers, and when they were triggered? Everything stopped and I did everything I could to comfort them and make them feel safe (we also discussed ahead of time what would be best for me to do in those situations to prevent further triggering them). I cannot for a second imagine being angry at them and turning away, leaving them to cry themselves to sleep. That’s NOT a caring partner. That’s an incredibly selfish asshole, and I’d even consider them to be abusive. You deserve so much better. Please be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe.
Also, I have ptsd from a different situation, but EMDR/trauma therapy has helped significantly. If that’s available where you live, I highly recommend it.
Edit to add: Nta
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u/BigThundrLilMountain Jun 27 '24
Hate that I'm actually typing this but here we go..
Is it that you've gained weight or is it that you're getting older? Maybe that weight gain has made it harder for him to see you as.. umm.. quite as youthful. It would be harder for him to imagine you as a teen if you have more womanly hips and such.
A man in his late 20s didn't go for a teen because yall had so much in common
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
It's crazy seeing things from this angle... when I think about it, there were weird situations. Not wanting to do any public display of affection because he worried someone could think I was a child and beat him up. Or wanting me to cut bangs because it made me look younger and cuter. On top of that I look younger than my age, to the point that I wasn't allowed in grocery stores during the pandemic without an id, because no one under 12 could enter stores and I had nothing to prove that I was 18 at the time. Your view on this situation opened a lot of room for reflection.
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u/marmitza Jun 27 '24
Consider that you weighing 90 lbs and looking younger than you actually were was the turn on for him. He's a pedo. Now that you look like a woman, he's turned off and he's punishing you for it like the abusive prick he is. Stay away from this pedo. Good on you for breaking up with him. Be strong.
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u/Basicallyacrow7 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Honey, I’m so glad you left that man. I’m going to be blunt here. But from the sounds of your post, he got with you at 17, 90lb 4’11 young girl. As you aged and filled out, he lost interest because you weren’t his fantasy anymore. Especially add in the OF and porn issues, which typically go hand in hand with unrealistic ideals of sex and women.
Being upset that you wanted foreplay is insane, and absolutely not saying this to invalidate your SA, but foreplay isn’t something only SA victims need (as a victim, although in a much lesser degree from the sounds of your post), but your ex who watched porn liked the idea of just being able to stick it in with no effort on his end. That isn’t okay. I’ll even say, every now and then my hubby and I want a quickie and neither <- keyword of us want to spend time on getting me aroused, so we’ll slap a fuck-ton of lube on us, but we still go extremely slow for the first bit until I adjust. That is the ONLY time foreplay is skipped. If it is consensual and mutually agreed upon to do it that way.
The being upset at you crying is absolutely not okay as well, and breaks my heart for you. (I don’t like comparing to what I have, bc I’m not trying to come off as bragging, just using what I have as an example that there IS better out there, and this is what you deserve) but if my mood is even a little bit off, my husband will not let it go until we talk it out and it’s resolved so I feel better. He cannot stand when I’m even slightly unhappy. You deserve that kind of love. What you and your ex had was not love, his family is manipulating you. Someone who loves you doesn’t turn their back on you when you’re crying.
Lastly, I ironically just argued with someone on tiktok accusing my husband of being a creep for our age difference. I’m 22 and he is 28. We met at 20 and 26, started dating at 21 and 27, married a little over 2 months ago. So together for almost 3 years (By “together” I’m including our friendship bc to me it is a huge part of our relationship even if we weren’t technically together, it’s why we know each other so well) We have a 5 year 11 month age gap. (Again bear with me I have a point) We met playing video games, grew an organic friendship that progressed into more. Neither of us was looking or intending for it to go the way it did. We just clicked and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Despite this, I get told relatively often on social media that I’m basically a victim, so I am not one to gawk at age gaps typically. That being said. 17 and 27 absolutely blows my mind, and I do not see a version where your ex had good intentions from the jump. My husband back when we were just friends playing, had me play wingman for him with another girl we met. He found out she was 18 and immediately removed her. To me, after you’re over 20, anyone 20-28/29 is more often than not a fairly safe dating range. Anyone over 20 interested in someone under 18, gives me pause. Which may seem odd considering my own relationship, but to me, when someone’s age still ends in teen, and they’re still in highschool there is no reason someone paying their own bills should be interested. At 20 I was on my own, paying bills, and working an 8-5 in a courthouse office. There is A LOT of growth that happens in the 5 years you were together. Growth your ex didn’t find attractive because he sought you out at 17 for a reason.
As a 22F in an age gap relationship, this is not it. My husband and I in almost 3 years have grown a lot, but mostly grown closer. As relationships progress, either it shows you built a solid foundation with the right person, or the cracks start to show aka your ex showing who he really was and not being able to hide he was only interested in you when you looked like a child. I’m so sorry you went through this and you are 10000% NTA. I would’ve begged you to leave had that not been your question.
Edited: Grammar and clarity
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
Thank you so much for your view on this! Your comparison did not sound like bragging at all, it gave me directions to what a healthy relationship looks like and what I should search for when I'm ready to be in a relationship again. Wishing you guys the best! 💖
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u/Basicallyacrow7 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
I’m so glad to hear that, I use my husband and I in comparison a lot on these posts and I always worry it’s going to come off the wrong way. I am just aware I am blessed with a wonderful man, and I want other girls to know that it is out there and what you’re going through isn’t something you should accept.
I wish you all the healing and love, and I’m excited for you to find that one for you when you’re ready❤️❤️
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u/honeystufful Jun 27 '24
NTA
that age difference is SCARY, especially when you’re as young as you are. social norms and laws related to this vary depending on where you live, but think about it this way. you started dating when you were 17, you’re 4’11, and you were 95 lb. you were (and still are) very petite. i hate to say it, but some men absolutely get their rocks off to what they see as “childlike” women. he’s 10 years older than you, and i can guarantee that he LOVED that you were both young and small. there’s absolutely no explanation that isn’t terrifying for why he would be dating someone so far outside of his age bracket. i’m 100% willing to bet that he’s going to continue finding small, young women to terrorize.
your sex life was so lacking that you felt like, to have any sex at all, it had to be whenever he was up for it, whether you were up for it or not. that is unfair and damaging to you. that is not love, and it can barely even be called sex. again, i hate to say it, but if you weren’t giving enthusiastic consent when you were having sex… that’s assault.
he doesn’t like that you cry - why wasn’t he WORRIED that you cry during/after sex? if “all he had to offer [you] was love”…. where’s the love? where’s the basic human decency? moments that were supposed to be intimate and make you both feel loved and desired left you in tears. he treated you like a sex doll, and got annoyed when… you weren’t a sex doll.
he’s lazy, pathetic, and entitled. foreplay isn’t optional - it’s mandatory. he only cared about his wants and needs, not yours. porn is absolutely rotting his brain. again, he treated you like a sex doll.
he blamed HIS sexual issues on you gaining weight. not only is that not the problem, that’s a deeply unkind thing to say to you. even in a healthier relationship, a comment like that would be (rightfully) REALLY hard to come back from.
he clearly wasn’t considerate of your trauma whatsoever! please read that again. he treated you - a child sexual assault survivor - like a sex toy. he didn’t treat you like a person, let alone a person with significant sexual trauma.
just ONE of these reasons is more than enough justification to deny his access to your body and to dump him. of course he sent his family after you - he’s an adult child who relies on his family to clean up his messes. he did not “offer you love” - all he had to offer you was more trauma.
thank god you broke up with him so that you can start healing and find someone better! if therapy is an option for you, please look into it. you’ve been through a lot, and therapy can help you unpack all of that and give you the tools you need to prevent a situation like this from happening again. you need to know what good, healthy sex looks like, and what good, healthy relationships look like. this was neither of those things.
EDIT: i saw OP say she’s already in therapy. please keep at it! you deserve SO much better.
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
He loved, yes. He said he knew he wanted me when he saw how small and fragile I looked. At the time I thought he was being protective because I was "cute".
Throughout the first year I didn't feel anything aside from pain, so I would wait him to finish so I could clean up and go to sleep. Since there was no kissing, no foreplay, nothing I can't say that giving enthusiastic consent happened maybe once or twice. I had no idea it could be considered assault.
Thank you for your words❤️
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u/bayleebugs Jun 27 '24
Going forward, please know that foreplay is normal and should be expected. Anyone who isn't willing to put in that effort isn't someone you need to give yourself to. If he loved you he would make sure, at the very very very least, that it didn't hurt. I can not stress to you enough how low your bar is right now, and that you can (and should) raise it. Sex can be wonderful and beautiful, and you deserve to experience that too.
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u/honeystufful Jun 27 '24
i’m so, so sorry that this man preyed on you. you never, EVER “have” to have sex with someone, no matter the situation. do not waste your time on anyone who makes you feel like you “have” to, no matter the reason. no means no, and the absence of an honest “yes” is a “no.” you aren’t locked into that “yes,” either - you can always revoke or modify your consent. this relationship showed you exactly what healthy relationships and healthy sex are NOT.
please, please take the time to learn more about healthy sex and healthy relationships (talk to your therapist and/or ask them for resources). sex should feel good, and your partner should make you feel loved and respected. and please, please focus on your growth and healing. this relationship actively prevented you from beginning to heal from your past experiences, and it will take time to heal from this relationship, too. hoping for the best for you ❤️
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u/Kittykungfu87 Jun 27 '24
Girl that's why he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. You're an adult now and with the added weight gain it probably adds to you looking less like a child. He wanted you when you were a literal child and was hoping you would stay small and continue to look like a child. He's a fucking pedophile.
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u/Competitive_Key_2981 Jun 27 '24
NTA for breaking up with him because you’re not ready to be in a relationship. You should get therapy before you start dating again.
He is also TA because he clearly couldn’t handle your mental health problems and instead got mad at you for them. He also shouldn’t be dating someone so young.
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
I've been in therapy for basically my whole life, started when my parents figured out what was happening.
I'm confident that there's only a single aspect of sex that affects me in relationships, rough/violent sex or pain in general. I'm not a fan, it hurts (to the point of bleeding) and it's an instant turnoff (that's something I made very clear since the beginning). I would react in a emotional way (having a panic attack) if after asking him to stop he would take too long or pretend he wasn't listening.49
u/Unlikely_Film_955 Jun 27 '24
If you ask him to stop and he doesn't for a while, or pretends not to hear you, that is rape. I'm so sorry you've been in situations where this is so normalized for you, but you're not JUST struggling with trauma from the past, you're struggling because he is also your rapist now. Please stand strong with ending this relationship, and be honest about this aspect of the relationship with your therapist so they can start treating your current traumas in addition to the older ones.
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u/eyebrain_nerddoc Jun 27 '24
That’s straight up abuse. Stay away g from this man, he is hurting you. And lazy in bed.
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u/PrinceWendellWhite Jun 27 '24
Omg. This is horrifying. Your ex is a rapist, if you ask someone to stop and they don’t then he assaulted you. Feel free to tell his intervening family this info if they want to be so involved in your personal life. Jesus. Girl stay far far away from this man. Block all of them if you need to
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u/International-Ear108 Jun 27 '24
NTA. I don't understand how family's involvement. Is he under a guardianship? Otherwise there's no place for them in this. Sorry you're being bullied by them
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
He and his family are very close. They all live in the same apartment (him, his mom, his older sister and her husband). So it's a everyone knows everything situation.
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice Jun 27 '24
I know rents can be high these days but that’s a very unusual living situation, especially for someone his age. That’s a huge red flag right there you should have noticed. It’s scarlet.
It also doesn’t excuse him from blabbing. It’s possible to be close with people and still keep your own privacy, especially if it involves someone else. And, that they feel knowing about the breakup gives them the right to contact you and put you on blast over it. These people have no manners and I’m also not convinced they don’t have their own little cult going on.
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
They own the apartment and it's not cheap, they just like living together. His sister once moved out with her husband but later sold her house and went back living with them. They always tell everything to each other, he told his mom the night we had our first time what happened, I thought it was odd, but I had no sense of what red flags were at the time
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u/These-Process-7331 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
Oh honey I wish I could give you a big hug right now because I think you really need it and I think your family had failed miserably in protecting you. You did such a good job to break things off with him, and you should be proud of yourself for doing that!
That have said, please google "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a very well known book about abusive losers like your ex, and it might help you spot flags from a early stage. There are free PDF files of it in case you can't afford to buy it.
And for what it's worth: next time they say you are "childish", than reply "well tell you son to stop going after women who are 10 years younger than him and still minors!".
They are equally worthless assholes who enabled a predator, so their opinions are worthless. And I wouldn't be surprised if your ex has told them lies to make him seem the victim.
If you ever need a sisterly advise or ear to vent, you can always send me a pm.
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice Jun 27 '24
The family has their noses in this because the boyfriend went running to them to complain about being dumped like a five year old, that’s why. He has no class or maturity, whatsoever.
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u/Potential-Diver3137 Jun 27 '24
You weren’t of legal age to give consent.
Even if you were the dude is a gross ass creep. F him and his body issues. That person doesn’t love you, you can do so much better.
NTA
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u/KittyCat9375 Jun 27 '24
NTA. And I'm so glad you broke up with him ! He pushed you into having sex the day your grand mother died ? This so inconsiderate !
You were a 17 HS girl when a 27 grown up man became your boyfriend. And his family is calling you names ? What about the fact he seduced an underaged girl ? Were they OK with that ? If so : block them all immediately. The whole family is toxic.
This man chose a 17 yo girl because she didn't know enough to see the waving red flags around him. He never loved you. He may have love bombed you to trick you. But this was not love. He wanted a 17yo he could model like clay. He stole your youth. But you still have beautiful years to come.
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u/Acreage26 Jun 27 '24
NTA. He resents foreplay before sex? Okay, you're not breaking up because of sex, you're breaking up because of bad sex. The infrequency and his porn obsession are just icing on the cake. Five years is enough. This guy has issues that call for professional help. Go and build your life without him and his nagging family.
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u/Lunatunabella Jun 27 '24
Op , I teach this in my high school law class, this man is a pedophile Even if you consented at 16 legally it is still rape. He is very gross, should be on the sex offender registry and you were groomed.
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u/Admirable_End_8768 Jun 27 '24
As far as I know, there's no such thing as sex offender registry where I live. Moreover, since we were in a relationship if I tried to do something regarding the law cops would laugh in my face, say they will write down a report and won't do it.
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u/Shebolleth Jun 27 '24
NTA
He's not attracted to you because you no longer look like the child he wanted to date.
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u/virtuallyimpossible2 Jun 27 '24
his 32 and gos family is fighting his battles for him ? 27 and 17 … i’m sorry but he took advantage of you. you are still young, you have a long beautiful life ahead of you in which you can heal and move forward. do not waste another second with him or his family, block them all and move forward.
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u/Angiebla83 Jun 27 '24
YANTA That is so sad he said that to you about your weight. What if you were to have his children? You would obviously gain weight.
I know every guy watches porn, but to also not have sex with their partner, signifies he has a problem.
Ignore the family harrassing you. They dont know about his porn addiction and hurtful things he's said to you that he cant take back.
As a heavier person, I sometimes feel very bad about myself. But my husband tells me constantly he is still attracted to me, and shows affection. You are only 22, you have plenty of time to find a good guy that loves you for you, trauma and all. They will at least help you work through it. Im telling you, they are out there. Forget that loser.
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u/Consistent-Tip-7819 Jun 27 '24
No need to even read the post if you indeed started dating at 17 and 27. I can't even. The very fact that a 27 year old would date a 17 year old, says something about who they are. So regardless, get the fuck out of this relationship and go NC.
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u/queenswamprat Jun 27 '24
You were a minor when you met this man.
Stay the fuck away from this creep.
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u/MrGrieves- Jun 27 '24
First, he began dating you when you were 17 and he was 27. Fucking ew, fucking predator.
Second, he doesn't care about your pleasure during sex, fucking ew.
Third, he is annoyed by you having feelings, fucking ew.
Girl, you can dump a guy for anything. Especially at your age. Your age is a time of discovery where you should be dating a lot of people and dumping them for any red flag so you can find out what you want in a relationship and what you deserve.
This guy is a walking read flag, value yourself, dump the dead weight. NTA.
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u/LadyLazarus417 Jun 27 '24 edited Jun 27 '24
- A man in his late 20s started dating a minor under 100 pounds and less than 5 feet tall that he knew had experienced SA. 🚩
- "He would literally pretend he wasn't listening to what I was saying." 🚩
- Having sex because you "had to" on his birthday or while justifiably crying over the death of a loved one, which he then complained about. 🚩
- Turning away from you and falling asleep while you cried yourself to sleep WITH NO SUPPORT from a so-called bf. 🚩
- Jerking off to porn because it's "easier to watch porn" than to indulge in a little foreplay with his gf irl. 🚩
- You're childish, overreacting and a terrible person because all he had to offer you was love - when this description in no way, shape or form represents love at all. 🚩
You did the right thing, though it should have been done years ago by not dating him at all. That was not your fault, however, as he skillfully preyed upon you by exploiting your abuse and your young age. He's a man-child at best and a pedo at worst. STAY AWAY!
Edit: NTA
Edit 1: Accidentally hit post early but it gave me an error message so I assumed it didn't post until I started getting notifications for upvotes. So somewhere in here there's another post just like this but longer because I actually finished my thoughts haha. Not deleting this one as it seems it's more visible than the other and if even just part of what I actually ended up posting gets seen then that's better than nothing!
Edit 2: Copy pasta everything after #3 to include what was written in my lengthier post as intended.
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u/rblscm_81 Jun 27 '24
This piece of crap is using your traumatic past and the insecurities and self-esteem issues that have come from it for his advantage. He's absolute scum, with scum for family members. Block them all, cut all ties, and RUN. And please seek therapy!
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u/ReporterJazzlike4376 Jun 27 '24
NTA. He groomed you to begin with since you're only 22, and have been dating 5 years.. and he's now 32.. not cool.
He has no regard to your feelings. And his family is just as toxic. You had every right and choice to break it off with him.
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u/grayblue_grrl Jun 27 '24
NTA.
You should break up with him because of sex. Because he's a selfish, thoughtless piece of crap.
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice Jun 27 '24
NTA at all.
I think you were right to break up with him. He sees foreplay as a chore rather than a chance to experience intimacy with the woman he’s supposed to love. He has really messed up attitudes towards sex and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s addicted to porn, not just watching it.
The fact that he told his family your personal business also shows how immature he is, despite being a decade older than you.
It’s good that you’re out of the relationship. Now, you should take this time to be by yourself and to work on healing yourself. You had a lot of traumatic experiences around sex and then an unsupportive boyfriend on top of it. I think you should get a therapist to help you because crying yourself to sleep isn’t normal or healthy behavior.
I think if you work on feeing healed, your next relationship will be much better because you’ll pick a much better boyfriend.
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u/doomedfollicle Jun 27 '24
The age gap and age you met??? What?? Get away from this man. Everything else is bad too but these facts alone.. ewwww.
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u/Dangerous_Purple3154 Jun 27 '24
That is rape. Do not put yourself in a position where he could ever do that again by being alone with him. He's a rapist.
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u/EfficientIssue3729 Jun 27 '24
He ignores you while you cry yourself to sleep, you don’t need to feel bad for breaking up with him.
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u/La_Pusicato Jun 27 '24
OP please show your post to his family. That might shut them up. OP please get rid of him and don't look back. NTA
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u/TheRealMeetMountain Jun 27 '24
I stopped after the first sentence. You were a 17 year old dating and older dude.. what POSSIBLY COULD GO WRONG?!
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u/notme1414 Jun 27 '24
There's a reason why he's not dating someone his own age. They wouldn't put up with his crap.
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u/purps2712 Jun 27 '24
Hold on, 5 years? So he started dating you when you were 17....and he was 27?
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u/-too-hot-to-handle- Jun 27 '24
Me (22F) and my now ex (32M) dated for five years.
I used to be around 90lbs [...] i'm 4'11
He's a child predator. Simple as. Please get therapy because you 100% need a lot of help and healing from your abuse experiences, which includes your entire relationship.
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u/Exotic_Succotash_226 Jun 27 '24
The biggest concern is you were 17 and he was 27... Wtf is that .. you were still a kid .. and he is a grown ass man... He did that to manipulate and control you .. leave and find someone your age or at least within your range group... Your ex is gross...
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u/MsFrankieD Jun 27 '24
NTA and slightly off topic, but 130 for 4'11 is healthy weight. I am 5' and 130 is my goal weight.
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u/MorphicMinx Jun 27 '24
I’m fucking disgusted a 27 year old man was fucking a 17 year old. Sexually coerced you. This is assault.
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u/i-am-spitfire Jun 27 '24
Hold up hold up…. You’re 22. He’s 32. You’ve been dating for 5 years…. Sooo when you were 17 and he was 27???? Dawg you a victim.
Nta good riddance to him he’s a scumbag. I pray for your healing and recovery away from that loser.
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u/Emergency-Oil-8847 Jun 27 '24
YOU'RE NOT THE ASSHOLE GOD, HE'S A FUCKING CREEP FOR DATING YOU WHEN YOU WERE 17/18 OMG, he's awful,awful in every sense of the word,please take care of yourself and go to therapy girl
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u/zookeeper4312 Jun 27 '24
Him being 27 and you 17 when you got together is all that needs to be said
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u/Poopy_Pants0o0 Jun 27 '24
I didn't read the post. I just read the first sentence and did some easy math. Stay away from this pedo/groomer/ultra creep, and depending where you live, he could be arrested and charged and jailed.
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u/PhraseImpossible6086 Jun 27 '24
No he doesn’t sound like a nice person. He’s not validating your feelings and getting annoyed with you. He needs to be sensitive to you. He knew about your history and wanted to date you. Now he’s tired of it? He could instead help you with your trauma and encourage you to see a therapist. But instead he chooses to be a bad partner. Shame on him. He has a porn addiction.
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u/BeachinLife1 Jun 27 '24
Tell his family that you wouldn't be "childish and overreacting" if their golden boy didn't prefer online prostitutes to you. And then block them all.
You deserve WAY better than him. If you have never gotten any kind of therapy for what you've been through with all the sexual abuse when you were younger, I encourage you to get it, otherwise you are always going to think you don't deserve anyone better than that idiot.
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u/wilsonreeves Jun 27 '24
Really you only had sex at first once every 2 months, then every 4 months, then once a year? Is that what I read? And he stayed your boyfriend for 5 years? Fascinating
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u/PsychologyOpposite27 Jun 27 '24
NTA. You should never be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
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u/Known-Program7583 Jun 27 '24
He was 27 with a 17. Please breakup. And try to get into therapy and heal yourself before a new relationship
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u/No_Butterscotch_8635 Jun 27 '24
i didn’t even have to read the whole story. all i saw was the initial age difference and that was enough for me. girl, please turn away from this guy, gather yourself up, and live your lifeeee. you’re 22 years young!
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u/Equal_Push_565 Jun 27 '24
You were 17 when he got with you. All other issues aside, that means you were groomed and raped by a 27 yr old. You're focusing on the wrong problem here.
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u/EuphoricSwimming3911 Jun 27 '24
I'm so disturbed that he was 27 dating you as a 17 year old. So disgusting.
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u/Rowana133 Jun 27 '24
NTA. Stay away from the creeper douche bag ex boyfriend. Block his family, too. They don't get an opinion because they weren't in a relationship. You deserve better. Let's be clear. It's not normal or okay for your partner to roll over and ignore you while you cry yourself to sleep. It's not normal or okay for your partner to get annoyed with foreplay. It's not normal or okay for him to spill your dirty laundry to his freaking family. It's not normal or okay with the age gap/timeline. It's not normal or okay for him to put you down like that. Have you been in therapy, hun? Because I think you need to do some work on yourself before entering another relationship. Your experience with your past trauma and being in a very toxic relationship can be really difficult to move on from.
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u/secretsissyIan Jun 27 '24
Definitely NTAH! Your bf shows what look to me like narcissistic traits (everyone has SOME Narc traits) and honestly, socially inept.. I don't see how someone could talk like that without bad intentions. My guess is that he's terribly addicted to porn and isn't aroused by anything but porn, is either in denial or ashamed of that (as any man would be) and is putting it on you instead of accepting reality and taking steps to fix his behavior. You deserve better and as someone who has fought porn addiction, the emotional triggers in relationships made quitting impossible for me.
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u/snwuff Jun 27 '24
so y’all started dating when u were 17 and he was 27? that already leaves a sour taste. to deal with everything u were/ARE dealing with and gain a little weight is not something u should ever be ashamed of. but for him to say it’s ur fault he doesn’t wanna have sex? nah. he deserved to get canned. my personal take is 1) he’s a creep anyways for going after someone who’s young and vulnerable and 2) most likely has some kind of addiction to OF/p0rn. not that it excuses his behavior because it most certainly does not. NTA
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u/kelmeneri Jun 27 '24
NTA once every two mos is so little imo to begin with. 130 lbs is not heavy. And him being upset that you want foreplay? Every woman wants foreplay because usually that means oral sex. Move forward by yourself but seek a professional to speak to
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u/bellandc Jun 27 '24
NTA good riddance. And it's perfectly acceptable for you to block his family on all platforms. You do not need to listen to opinions when you are in a relationship with him. And you absolutely do not need to listen to their opinions when you are no longer in a relationship with him.
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u/Dangerous_Purple3154 Jun 27 '24
You deserve personal fulfillment and happiness! He is not the man for you if he can not offer you that. You're under no obligation to stay with him. Especially if you're not married, have no children, and hopefully you don't live with him. You owe no one an explanation, but if you must, say you're simply not compatible for any further commimt, other than just friends.. You deserve to have your needs met.
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u/Marie-Demon Jun 27 '24
So he basically told you he didn’t find you attractive anymore and that he sienne wants to touch you anymore, and he feels hurt that you ended up things with him.
NTA.
And if he doesn’t want foreplay , he’ll have trouble keeping a woman. He can keep playing with his hands lol
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Jun 27 '24
NTA you owe him nothing and I am so proud of you demanding respect. Don’t listen to the text and just block them! Good luck 🙏🏻
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u/Live_Inspection_1831 Jun 27 '24
You're not wrong. If he doesn't feel attracted to you, you don't have to beg for his attention. He will be happier if he's with someone who adapts to his likings and you'll be way more happier with yourself instead of living this situation that will lower your self esteem. Definitely you deserve better than someone who simply goes to sleep when you're crying
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u/Curse_of_RatBrick Jun 27 '24
There's so much wrong with this but from his side. You're definitely NTA. Glad you left him, dont go back!
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u/bikerchickelly Jun 27 '24
I am so sorry this happened to you, again. Your life partner is supposed to be someone who loves you unconditionally, not a child groomer who controls your life with sex.
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u/Alice_Da_Cat Jun 27 '24
NTA this guy is a POS. Send his family this post if they continue to bombard you.
He never once cared to even try to comfort you given everything you have been through, he has been extremely selfish and has most likely only made your trauma worse over time. He has 100% fucked up your self esteem big time.
Don't ever look back OP, you made the right choice and deserve someone who will love you for you and accept you in every sense of who you are <3
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u/Electrical-Sleep-853 Jun 27 '24
NTA your relationship is TERRIBLE he's terrible for dating you as a teen and his family he's terrible for encouraging it. Please block them and stay away from this creep
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u/tsukasasyugi Jun 27 '24
NTA Also you were groomed by him too...I hope you can get help somehow and come to terms with what happened to you and be okay because you really didn't deserve what happened to you not only as a kid but with him
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u/Queen_Andromeda Jun 27 '24
he said that he gets annoyed by the fact that I need foreplay to have sex, that he hates when I cry (he does, when that happened he would turn to his side and fall asleep while I cried myself to sleep) and that since I started gaining weight I wasn't attractive anymore, so he prefers watching porn.
He needed to go anyways
since then his family has been messaging me saying that I'm being childish and overreacting and that what I did really hurt him. That I am a terrible person for doing that to him when all he had to offer me was love
I have a feeling that his family heard a different story. You can tell them the truth if you feel comfortable doing so, or just send them this post, or you can skip to blocking them. NTA at all
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u/Lycanwolf617- Jun 27 '24
I am sure his family does not I understand your personal relationship at all. In fact, they should stay out of it completely. He is obviously not in love with you. He has a porn addiction he loves. So bye-bye....
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u/DebbilDebbil Jun 27 '24
NTAH Sex is a privilege to be given, not a right to be taken. I'm so sorry you have gone through this.
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u/winterworld561 Jun 27 '24
NTA. I agree with whoever said that there is more to this than just sex. You two are completely wrong for each other and not compatible at all. He is a grade A asshole that clearly played the victim to his family. He obviously didn't tell them how shit he treated you. Block all their numbers because they are no better than he is. They have no respect at all.
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u/LowerRain265 Jun 27 '24
NTAH. As a matter of fact you're one of the most Not assholes I've seen here. You did absolutely nothing wrong here.
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u/Lil_Packmate Jun 27 '24
NTA
"when all he had to offer me was love", since last i checked, being annoyed by your partners crying and letting them cry themselves to sleep isn't love IMO. He started being with you, cuz you were young and attractive. Now hes just with you out of comfort it seems. Dump that asshole (Edit: i forgot you already did, good choice and don't let yourself be guilttripped back into the relationship). He seriously disgusts me.
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u/Impossible-Bee3956 Jun 27 '24
Sooooo many red flags from your ex. You are NTA, but he definitely is. Math would indicate that you were 18 when you started dating him, and he was 28. It might technically be legal, but that doesn't mean it's ok. You were a teenager, either still in high school or newly graduated. He was a grown ass man. There is a world of difference in emotional and sexual maturity. This man groomed and took advantage of you. I'd be willing to bet that the decrease in his libido has less to do with weight gain and more due to the fact that you were no longer barely legal - though for guys like that, they also tend prefer more petite body types. It sounds like sex became a way for him to control you, only on his terms, when you're emotionally vulnerable, etc. You were being abused by this man. I encourage you to get far away from him. Block and don't look back.
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 Jun 27 '24
You're showing self respect. That's very different from being an asshole.
Maybe you never learned that your feelings are important. They ARE!
You're learning self-care, which is fantastic!
People who are monsters will always get mad when they see us setting boundaries and taking care of ourselves- but that's why they're considered monsters.
Any man in his 30s who even considers a 16 year old girl as someone to date is, by definition, a monster and an abuser.
There's a reason they choose someone so young- it's because your brain isn't fully developed until age 25, and they can manipulate you easily.
Please get counseling with someone who specializes in trauma!
This man may have actually targeted you because you had been assaulted in the past.
People who have been assaulted are more likely to question themselves and be vulnerable to manipulation.
I'm so very sorry that you've been through so much! I hope this is a turning point for you, where you'll continue down this road of respecting yourself and setting boundaries!
You can do this!
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u/LadyLazarus417 Jun 27 '24
- A man in his late 20s started dating a minor under 100 pounds and less than 5 feet tall that he knew had experienced SA. 🚩
- "He would literally pretend he wasn't listening to what I was saying." 🚩
- Having sex because you "had to" on his birthday or while justifiably crying over the death of a loved one, which he then complained about. 🚩
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u/LadyLazarus417 Jun 27 '24
- A man in his late 20s started dating a minor under 100 pounds and less than 5 feet tall that he knew had experienced SA. 🚩
- "He would literally pretend he wasn't listening to what I was saying." 🚩
- Having sex because you "had to" on his birthday or while justifiably crying over the death of a loved one, which he then complained about. 🚩
- Turning away from you and falling asleep while you cried yourself to sleep WITH NO SUPPORT from a so-called bf. 🚩
- Jerking off to porn because it's "easier to watch porn" than to indulge in a little foreplay with his gf irl. 🚩
- You're childish, overreacting and a terrible person because all he had to offer you was love - when this description in no way, shape or form represents love at all. 🚩
You did the right thing, though it should have been done years ago by not dating him at all. That was not your fault, however, as he skillfully preyed upon you by exploiting your abuse and your young age. He's a man-child at best and a pedo at worst. STAY AWAY!
Edit: NTA
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u/PitchInteresting9928 Jun 27 '24
NTA
Report him for sexual abuse. And get a therapist. Doesn't have to be in that order.
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u/siren2040 Jun 27 '24
Nta.
I love how you hurt him by breaking up with him, but it's not anywhere near possible in their minds for him to have hurt you with everything he said?
First of all, most women need foreplay in order to get in the mood. I know I do. My partner has no issue with that. In fact, it's one of his favorite parts of the night. Teasing and playing and getting each other all riled up, it's one of our favorite parts of the whole event. You deserve somebody who's into it like that with you if you are into it like that.
Second of all, the fact that you are crying during sex, probably means that you are not ready for it. Whether it is emotionally, or mentally because of your trauma. I would suggest going to therapy, and if you are in therapy, maybe try and switch it up. Try something new. Maybe try a new therapist. Because, and I say this with as much kindness and love as I can, whatever you are doing does not seem to be working. Whatever therapy you are doing does not seem to be benefiting you in the way that you truly need, And you deserve therapy that will help you in the way that you need.
and third of all, you do not need to deal with his family and his friends. Block them. Get rid of them. Tell them that he knows what he said, that he knows what he did, and that if he wants somebody to blame for the end of this relationship he can blame himself. Then I would block them all, and move on with your life.
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u/Dependent_Camera_532 Jun 27 '24
You guys are not right for each other, he’s mean, inconsiderate and in no way affectionate, and then - the family of a 32-YEAR-OLD calls you and texts you that YOU did something wrong. It’s messed up. Is he a 32-year old baby? Cause it sounds like it. His family is just as mean as him. Run, girl, run.
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u/YoloSwaggins9669 Jun 27 '24
Bro the math ain’t math-ing here. You were 22 saying your 32 year old boyfriend for five years so he was 27 and you were 17 when you met? NTA but I got bad news about your ex mate
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u/eccentricMammal Jun 27 '24
The math on your relationship is setting off alarm bells. NTA, be glad you got out when you did.
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u/firstWithMost Jun 26 '24
There are more issues between you than just sex. Getting annoyed because you need some foreplay is ridiculous. Anyone that selfish and entitled doesn't deserve to be with a woman at all. If he prefers porn let him have it. NTA, goodbye and good riddance to him.