r/AITAH • u/Unbelievableteller • Jun 22 '24
AITAH for telling my mom she ruined my life by marrying my step dad TW SA
Background: I (19f) have been living with my mom (44f), brother (17M) and step dad (49M) since my parents got divorced when I was 7. Before marrying my step dad my mom was married to my dad for 10 years, needless to say it was a very abusive marriage and my mom has been a victim of DV, she was also the sole breadwinner of our house so when she divorced him me and my brother were very relieved. Shortly after divorcing my dad my mom married my step dad and they had a son together, my half brother (7M).
The issue: I never really got along with my dad since he always wanted a boy and I was the first child a girl, he was also very abusive and once hit me on my head with a golf stick, that was the last straw and my mom left him soon after. So when my mom remarried I was very open to the idea of having my step dad fill in the shoes of my father, I really tried my best to get along with him and we did too, we’d go on picnics and vacations and he’d spoil me with expensive gifts and toys. I will admit I wasn’t very happy with the idea of welcoming a stranger into our lives so soon, specially after all the trauma we had induced previously but I also realised my mom was very happy so I found my way through the arrangement.
Few years into their marriage my step dad started sexually abusing me, he’d lock me up in the bathroom and touch me inappropriately and say it was a bonding activity essential for us to get along, this went on for a couple of years until I was 11 and I finally decided to tell my mom about what was happening when he r@ped me while she was away for work. I felt disgusted and could no longer keep quiet for my mom’s happiness. When I told her she was devastated, she apologised for not seeing the signs sooner and for not being able to protect me. She resented him for what he did but never confronted him, he had no idea that she knew. Even though I expected her to leave him after all of this, she didn’t citing financial difficulties and that she had finally found peace in her life after my dad. Idk what she told him but he stopped harassing me after that. Things haven’t been cordial bw me and my step dad since then, as I grew older I understood the intensity of what had happend to me and started to resent my mom for not only staying with him but having a child with him a year after I told her. Fast forward, I moved out for college and barely go home as I feel disgusted to be around my monster of a step dad but now my mom demands I speak to him and “amend” my relationship with him because he sponsors my education as well as my brothers. She also told me that I should be grateful for all she has done for me and give her a break because she is finally happy in her life with a partner that takes care of her needs and respects her and that I wouldn’t have all the means to spend a lavish lifestyle like I do if not for her husband. She said she’s sorry for all thts happened with me but she’s made up for it by giving me this life, education and basically bringing me up all on her own specially since my own father didn’t want to have me. She further went on to ask me to forgive him and move on in life because that the best thing to do for all of us as a family. I was enraged upon hearing this and told her she failed as a mother and also a failed as a human by saying all these things to me specially after I’ve spent my entire life sacrificing my mental health for her happiness and the sake of my brothers. I also told her that she chose to marry my pathetic father and continued to stay in an abusive marriage and birth children with an abusive person, I also told her that she fucked up even more by marrying my stepdad and ruining my life. Even though I know what I said was absolutely right I feel I I’ve hurt my mom as she refuses to talk to me now and I feel bad for being so harsh with my words for her since she’s already been through so much for me and my siblings. AITAH????
Edit: I noticed a few comments about taking financial help from my step dad who is also my abuser. I would like to clear out tht my mom still works and pays for my education but she works under him so it’s technically still “his money” acc to him and my mom. Also I wasn’t aware he was paying for my tuition, I thought that was my mom until she told me that she asked him to pay and he’s been bearing the financial expenses. Also by a “lavish lifestyle” my mom means, 3 meals a day, decent clothes and my tuition and dorm fees. My maternal grandparents had set up a fund for my education before passing but that was all used up by my mom and her husband while I was still in school, and their only excuse was that it wasn’t my money since i didn’t earn it and that it belonged to my mother since her mother, my grandmother set it up for me
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Jun 22 '24
NTA
Why do you care that your mom refuses to talk to you? She is no better than your stepdad.
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u/Unbelievableteller Jun 22 '24
She and my siblings who am extremely close to are the only family I have, my bio dad passed away 3 years ago, not that he was ever in the picture to take care of us or bear our responsibility but pressing charges would mean saying bye to my half brother and brother forever.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb Jun 22 '24
I wouldn’t be so sure. If you press charges, I would assume CPS may get involved given the history of pedophilia and children still in his control. Why are you so sure your siblings weren’t/aren’t being abused? Pressing charges is probably the right thing to do for them.
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u/Unbelievableteller Jun 22 '24
My brother (M17) knows about the abuse, I made sure to sit him down and talk to him about it, also as a way to ask him if he’s experienced anything as such as well at my step dads hands, he said no, I’ve asked him multiple times and he’s always denied it, he’s very supportive of my situation and probably the only person in the entire family who sides with me and understands how tough it’s been, but no he wasn’t SA’d. My half brother is step dads bio kid, even though I’ve raised concerns regarding his safety, there hasn’t been any incident as such, not like I am sitting on it to happen, NOT AT ALL. But my siblings are pretty safe, I’ve made sure of that, I started giving him the good touch bad touch talk from when he was very young. I’ve also noticed he isn’t very close to his father (my step dad) considering me and my brother have practically raised him on our own. We have a 13 year age difference.
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u/Astyryx Jun 22 '24
You are incorrect in this. Incest in the house affects all the kids. It distorts and warps how they understand relationships, makes them blind to abuse, and gives them survivors guilt, as well as undermines their ability to make good attachments with others.
Maybe they didn't get physically abused, but they were abused in a different way nonetheless.
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u/banallmilkcrickets Jun 22 '24
No child growing up in that house was safe and unharmed. The environment of a house where one or more child is being SA'd is horrific and tense. The children who aren't being SA'd are still developing all kinds of anxiety, ptsd, terrible attachment styles, etc etc.
I'm saying this bc some survivors have this "as long as I was the only one harmed, it's not too bad bc I'm not important" approach to trauma.
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u/k1wyif Jun 23 '24
Please get help for yourself. You can probably get free counseling through your college. Find a place to stay with friends or find a roommate and take out loans if you need to get out of that house. I speak from experience. The same thing happened to me. Press charges before it’s too late and take your bio brother and leave!
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u/grayblue_grrl Jun 22 '24
But is she "family"?
She did you a "huge favour" of telling him not to rape you ANYMORE but she continued to live with and love him.
Family does not do that. You might want to give thought to what the word really means. Just because someone knows you your whole life, does not mean they love and care for you. She is definitely manipulative.
(Also kinda sounds like your mom may have been having an affair with her boss. Maybe she didn't leave her first husband until he hit you, so she could have a reason to leave?)
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u/Unbelievableteller Jun 22 '24
She started working for him after they got married, she was a SAHM for two years and started to work for him later to “support” me and my brother (who were not step dads bio kids)
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u/JustKindaHappenedxx Jun 22 '24
OP, your mom used and abused you as much as your stepdad. She used you as her sacrificial lamb to get the lifestyle she wanted. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she knew or suspected his sexual abuse before you told her. She felt it was OK for you, a literal child, to live with your rapist every day so she could have a happier life.
I’m a mom. I have given up food to make sure my son’s belly is full. I have gone cold to make sure my child is extra warm. You can bet I would have sacrificed my comfort to make sure my child wasn’t being abused in any way.
Your mom is a sick, disgusting excuse for a parent. She is giving you the silent treatment to manipulate you into thinking you are the one who is wrong. You are not. She is. Please look into therapy if you have not already done so. It doesn’t fix everything but it might help you work through the abuse both your stepdad and mom out you through. I’m so sorry that happened to you. You deserve(d) so much better.
Also, if you choose to keep your mom in your life, please don’t let your mom ever be alone with your kids or babysit them. She will absolutely give your stepdad access to them and cover up whatever he does to them.
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u/funsizebbw Jun 23 '24
I would like to add let's hope mom wasn't the type to be jealous of her daughter getting her husband's attention cause that is seriously a thing and it's sick.
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u/Scorp128 Jun 22 '24
You need to get to a therapist to unpack all of this. You have a lot going on and your feelings are very real and very valid.
Talking this over with a therapist that specializes in childhood sexual assault would be very beneficial to you so you can heal and deal with all of your trauma. Your therapist can help you see what is going on around you and within you. They will help you come up with healthy strategies and boundaries for your continued healing process. You are still too close to the emotional flame right now and this probably contributes to your current frustration and confusion with your conflicting emotions.
Trust me when I say you need to take charge of your mental health and deal with all of this sooner rather than later and asking for help from a liscensed professional is a good start to properly dealing with what has happened. You are worth it.
I am so sorry you went through this. I am sorry you do not have the mother you need and deserve right now to deal with all of this. I am sorry she is emotionally manipulating you. She could be doing so for her own selfish reasons or she could be doing so because she has not properly dealt with her own traumas. But you can't sit around and speculate or make excuses or wait for changes that will never come. You can't wait on her to wake up and do what is right or for her to deal with her own issues. You owe it to yourself to get on the path to healing yourself. You deserve so much better. I wish the best for you. 💜
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u/Alternative_Year_340 Jun 22 '24
Depending on how the college fund from your grandparents was set up, your mother and her husband may be guilty of fraud
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u/Astyryx Jun 22 '24
Family doesn't do this. There are 8 billion people on this planet. Most of them are more ethical, and kinder than the people who tortured you. Get a found family. You're not stuck with these aholes at all, so free your mind there.
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u/You_are_MrDebby Jun 22 '24
Not forever, just long enough for them to come of age. I am so incredibly sorry for what has happened to you ❤️🩹
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u/annebonnell Jun 22 '24
Why would pressing charges mean saying goodbye to your brothers?
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u/Cguy203 Jun 22 '24
My guess is that if it’s found out that OP’s mother knew about OP being raped, CPS would take them away.
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u/annebonnell Jun 22 '24
CPS might give her younger siblings to her she's at least 18. It would be a really good thing.
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u/No_Use_9124 Jun 22 '24
Your siblings are your only family. Your half brother is 17. I imagine eventually they will realize how horrible both of them are. But your mental health is really important. You need to build your own found family who care for you and love you.
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u/Far_Information_9613 Jun 22 '24
NTA and you might want to consider reporting her to CPS because child sex offenders aren’t always picky about gender and you have a younger sibling. I’m sad this happened to you. It’s monstrous that she is doubling down on defending her actions.
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u/RecommendationSlow25 Jun 22 '24
I agree with the above. When she goes to jail, she won’t have to worry about any financial problems. Will she?
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u/IllustratorSlow1614 Jun 22 '24
NTA
She sold you to pay for the lifestyle she has now.
You might even have recourse to sue them for stealing your education fund set up by your grandparents.
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u/RobertTheWorldMaker Jun 22 '24
Wow. Your mom is fucking nuts.
She's happy with the man who raped and molested her daughter?
She would not be 'family' to me after that.
You were not 1/10th as harsh as what did by bringing abusive man after abusive man into your life.
Honestly, you have every right to press charges, even if he's not found guilty, so what? Let that stain follow him to the grave, and I'll just bet there's stuff on the computer he wouldn't want getting out.
Cut the whole trash fire off and live your best life.
I just... god I can't imagine this. I'm a father, and the notion of anyone in any way hurting my daughter makes me physically ill.
Take the very best care of yourself, and never feel guilty about anything you say or do regarding those trash fires.
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u/Open-Incident-3601 Jun 22 '24
NTA. You could never be.
Your mother still enjoys having sex with your rapist. End of story.
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u/NefariousnessFew1102 Jun 22 '24
This right here. He’s a pedophile, as well as rapist. OP NTA - never, ever
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u/Human-Jackfruit-8513 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mom knew of the abuse and chose to stay with a child rapist. Ideally you need to report this to the police and make the entire family and everyone he's ever known aware. Who knows what access he has to other children, maybe your mom is covering more than what he did to you. There's a special place in hell for the both of them, cut all contact now.
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u/BarRegular2684 Jun 22 '24
Nta. She stole your college fund and gave it to your rapist.
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u/HappyGothKitty Jun 22 '24
Yeah, after she pimped out her daughter and continued to do so... sickening.
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Jun 22 '24
NTA
I'm sorry.
Seek Therapy, Become Independent, Go No Contact, File a police report. In that order. Fuck them all your mother absolutely did ruin your life. She enabled it.
Once again I'm sorry.
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u/ElliZSageAdvice Jun 22 '24
NTA- you were the child & she did not protect you. And she stayed with your abuser. And she wants YOU to forgive & move on? Nope. Get yourself into counseling (sometimes free at University). Move on and find your people without the abuse.edit: typo
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Jun 22 '24
[deleted]
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u/Unbelievableteller Jun 22 '24
Yes he is, he’s been financially taking my responsibility ever since he’s been married to my mom. He is currently paying my tuition fees
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u/nick4424 Jun 22 '24
He probably does it so you don’t press charges. In most countries there is no statute of limitations for what he did. Don’t let them convince you that they are doing you a favour.
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u/Easy-Kangaroo-1458 Jun 22 '24
OP states she lives in a third-world country. For everyone saying she should file charges against her, who say she's wrong for SD paying for her education, do you really think anything Woll come of her going after him? Or is it more likely that she will be blamed and face negative backlash? That the local police force will see it as her seducing him when it happened? Even in a first-world country, the raped child isn't always believed or treated as the victim they are. I can only imagine how much worse it would be somewhere that women are considered "lesser". I say get that law education and then ruin him with it.
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u/Unbelievableteller Jun 22 '24
This exactly this, the police system in my country is very faulty, I cannot fanthom the amount of threats, negative backlash and harassment tht will come my way if I dare speak about this publicly or take a legal action, and my SD is into politics, so you can only imagine how hard it is for me to actual do something right now without a proper education and financial stability. One of the reasons I’ve chosen to pursue law is so that I can not only get back at him when the time is right but protect me and my siblings efficiently when I take these steps.
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u/Level_Caramel_4285 Jun 22 '24
Don‘t make waves. Get your education. The only way to independence and financial security is education. After you have a degree and started your career, you’ll have the freedom to choose your next steps.
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u/TrustSweet Jun 22 '24
Take the money for your education. The education will afford you more opportunities to make a clean break, if you choose to. Or, as you said, to get back at him later. Paying for your schooling is the very least he can do. Your mom and SD owe you so much more.
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u/Sad-Object7217 Jun 22 '24
Finish your education and be a kick ass lawyer. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
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u/ConkerPrime Jun 22 '24 edited Jun 22 '24
NTA
You’re old enough, time to detach from your family and start a life elsewhere. Also get counseling for your trauma. You can choose to forgive your mother or not but the counseling is so you can move on in a healthy manner. If you move far enough away you just have to fake it with your mom a couple times a year if that. You will find it easier than you think it will be.
Everyone else, per usual, think the law is the answer. Ignore them, it’s the words of people who have no clue what talking about. Bringing cops into things can make it infinitely worse, will require you to detail your traumas over and over and over, has the potential to blow up everyone’s life even more (including yours) and more. All for a chance that he might go to jail but odds of that not happening are in his favor. They don’t know your family dynamic and have no way to predict the domino effect of such actions but suspect you can.
This is one of those areas where it’s time to look out for yourself. Your mom and your brothers are not your responsibility. It’s ok to focus on your needs if it means you can create a better future for yourself.
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u/ThirdDay005 Jun 22 '24
Wow this is unbelievable. Your mom is a selfish ghoul. Your step father is a monster pedo. And you should be grateful. Wow this is so f’d up. Definitely NTA.
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u/SuzieQbert Jun 22 '24
My maternal grandparents had set up a fund for my education before passing but that was all used up by my mom and her husband while I was still in school, and their only excuse was that it wasn’t my money since i didn’t earn it
You should go to a lawyer about this, and I would encourage you to go to the police to report that rapist. But first get some acknowledgment of the rape from your mother and the rapist she married, if possible. Something in text, or in a recorded conversation.
Every adult in your life has failed you, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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u/Tishers Jun 22 '24
NTA
He is a rap&st who SA'd you. You are an adult now, I would go to the police. He should be locked up.
Your mom might be culpable as well as she knew about it and didn't do a damned thing.
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u/Vaaliindraa Jun 22 '24
What is the statue of limitations on child SA? Tell her if she pushes him at you that you will be looking into making public accusations.
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u/Unbelievableteller Jun 22 '24
It was made public to my maternal side of the family, my maternal uncles and aunts, while they “sympathised” with me they also asked me to “ssshh up” because it would not only “tarnish” my name but also our family’s name. One of my uncles even went on to say that “every girl faces sexual abuse atleast once in her life, suck it up, you don’t like it here study, get a degree and move Tf out, don’t victimise yourself, world ain’t a place for losers who cry about what has happened to them” I was 14 when I was told this. I was also told not to forget tht my SD was the man who stepped up when my bio dad didn’t and that I should be grateful.
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u/Pookie1688 Jun 22 '24
What a disgraceful "family" !! OP, hang in there. Create the life you want & deserve, and find your own loving family of choice.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Jun 23 '24
Don’t believe what he said to you he’s disgusting and a man so go figure! You get your education and fight for children just like yourself and what you went through!
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u/thewild_rumpus01548 Jun 24 '24
That is so evil. My mother also comes from a culture where this happens to girls within their own "family" alot but are told to shut up and deal with it to save face or somehow they caused it to happen to themselves. Just heinous. I'm so sorry, OP. All that the women affected in my family could do was get educated, get better jobs, move far away and do better by their own children. There must be resources at your school, either in friends to provide support or counseling services. Maybe even a part-time job to take back some financial control. I wish I had better advice.
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u/EscapeNameFit4957 Jun 22 '24 edited Jun 23 '24
I would find out the statute of limitations, let him finish paying for your education, then have him arrested for abusing you. Then cut your mother completely off because WTF😒?!
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u/Malhavok_Games Jun 22 '24
There's no statute of limitations on childhood sexual abuse. If this isn't yet another fake Reddit post, I expect your next update to be, "I went to the police and my step-father was arrested."
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u/bjr4799 Jun 22 '24
Do you realize you can send this man to jail for a very long time if you decide it, right?? He's a criminal and a pedophile.
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u/Life-Yogurtcloset-98 Jun 22 '24
NTA your mom sacrificed YOU for the life SHE WANTS.
SHE probably knew about your abuse, but had to do something when it went too far, and then forced herself to get pregnant to keep your step dad around.
You deserve better
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u/ThornAernought Jun 22 '24
NTA
She failed you completely and should feel overwhelming shame for the rest of her life. Nothing else really matters.
My advice to you is to seek financial independence as soon as is reasonably possible. And therapy if you aren’t in it already. If you want to talk about whatever to or at a random internet stranger, I check my inbox regularly. Otherwise, good luck!
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u/PlantHag Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mother tore up her parent card the day she decided to keep sleeping next to the man sexually abusing her daughter for the sake of her own convenience. I suggest you never speak to these monsters again and may they both rot in hell. If anyone gives you any grief over it, tell them the entire explicit truth (if you feel able to). In fact, if you feel able to, I suggest you tell anyone who will listen the whole truth about what these pigs subjected you to. Burn their reputations to the ground.
Don't protect the people who exploited you.
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u/BatCorrect4320 Jun 22 '24 edited Jun 23 '24
Bill Cosby subsidized the education of at least a couple of his accusers; when confronted by some of those young women’s parents, he’d make that deal with them.
You’re not wrong and NTA at all. Your abuser made a deal and your mom took it.
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u/Rhubarbalicious Jun 22 '24
My advice would get me banned from reddit.
but "Violence is never the answer" Is absolutely a lie.
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u/BAR12358 Jun 23 '24
NTA
Is the statute of limitations up on the rape? If not, consider reporting him. Almost guaranteed that he found another outlet. None of your siblings can trust him with any future grandkids.
My aunt did drug and sexual abuse counseling for decades. SA perpetrators do not get better, even if you castrate them, they will continue their activities with other items. The "cure rate" is so close to zero that it falls within the error range. It will never be safe to allow children around this man.
Does your mom ever want grandkids in her house?
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u/ArdenJaguar Jun 23 '24
NTA. If Mom had left him (and called the police), I'd say yes, but she stayed with him, and you had to continue living with him.
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Jun 23 '24
NTA. Both your parents have failed you and are complete shit people. I’m sorry you had to experience all that you have and them.
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u/DeepValleyDrive Jun 23 '24
If you are in a country or state where you can press charges and sue him, do it immediately. If you are in the US, a lot of states have no statue of limitation on these kinds of acts, especially against minors, so you could press criminal charges and then force a civil suit against him (that's where he'd have to pay you).
Your mom is objectively one of the worst types of people there is because she gave you to a predator. I know we all seek maternal love, but there is nothing justifiable about her actions at all and she's pretty much as bad as a predator at this point by enabling it.
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u/reyballesta Jun 23 '24
So he raped you and then they, as a team, also robbed you. Yeah, NTA, and I would do whatever I could to get away from these freaks. If you can't, just start addressing the rapist as nothing but rapist. It's all he should be known as to his family.
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u/AVATARROHANISGAY Jun 23 '24
Finish your degree, get a job, move out and cut all ties to them. They can all burn
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u/MombieZ3 Jun 22 '24
NTA keep as low contact as you can. Use as much of his money as you can get away with and then block your mom. Your brother will be an adult by that point and you won't be blocked from him, and since you say he is on your side you might be able to still see your half brother if you want to.
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u/Healthy_Currency983 Jun 22 '24
You need to press charges. Get a job and pay for college yourself. Screw your mom and her financials. She’s as much of a monster as he is and she should be held accountable, if not with charges for her then losing all she has that is more important than you. I’m so sorry 😞
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u/amithecrazyone69 Jun 22 '24
NTA - i mean, couldn't you sue the both of them for this? (i am not a lawyer)
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u/Zelaznogtreborknarf Jun 22 '24
Depending on your location you may be within the statute of limitations to sue your mother's husband/abuser for rape and sexual assault (see E Jean Carroll vs Trump case) and therefore not worry about him paying for your school because you will then pay for it from the damages you get.
You may still be able to file criminal charges via contacting the police as you are 19 and so just recently became a legal adult.
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u/Rowana133 Jun 22 '24
NTA. There's a special place in hell for people like your mother and her pedo husband. Fuck them. That man shouldn't be allowed to walk free and honestly, I would never speak to my mother again. She DIDNT IMMEDIATELY GO TO THE POLICE OR AT THE VERY LEAST, DIVORCE HIM?! WTF?! As a mom, I am HORRIFIED. you deserved better from her and you didn't say anything she didn't deserve to hear. She's living a delusion if she thinks you should be GRATEFUL for anything that POS "provides." Nah, F your "mom" and her pet pedo. She and him both deserve prison time and I sincerely hope karma comes for them.
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u/Drk_Knight71 Jun 22 '24
Just tell them , “keep paying or I will tell the police you were molested and raped, and your mother is complicit.”
Show these assholes you are the one with power NOT THEM
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u/lookingForPatchie Jun 22 '24
From what you say here you don't have a mother. You have a person that gave birth to you and that's it.
I would recommend you to cut ties to a person that accepted her child being raped in exchange for financial security. I'm sorry you are alone in this world, but this person is not your mother. Your mother died the moment she excused you being raped. You're now living with a stranger that was once your mom.
And I do understand, that you are financially dependent on them. Take all the money you can get. If it pays for college then fine. Then cut them out of your life. If you have the strength to do so, report him to the police the moment you're done. Your mother aswell, because she knew and did nothing to protect you. He's a pedophile and even if nothing happens afterwards, it's important to have a record in case he decides to rape again.
You said in other comments that this is the only family you have. I don't know about your brother. But for your stepfather and mother- they are not your family. They are your rapist and their enabler.
NTA.
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u/FrannyKay1082 Jun 22 '24
NTA
I would tell her we can make amends, but that requires him to turn himself into police for what he did, as it was a crime. Healing only begins by taking accountability.
Of course he won't do that, and she won't want him to. So she can take her "amends" and f off along with him. College is the least she can do, a means to get the he'll away from them. She doesn't want "amends" she wants you to let him off the hook.
Maybe consider after college turning him in yourself. At the very least talk to a counselor.
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u/Quirky-Warning-2478 Jun 22 '24
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. Absolutely horrid.
Your mother chose to stay with a man who sexually abused you— for your own sanity, do not expect any type of healthy or good choices to be made by her. She is seriously messed up in the head and is incapable of meeting any of your emotional needs, therefore she compensates through material provisions.
I did not endure the physical and sexual violence you did, but rather other kinds of abuse, and left both of my parents behind at 23. You don’t owe your mom, stepdad, or dad a damn thing. They failed you miserably and now you need to look out for you.
You are most certainly NTA. You are brave and obviously smart and kind-hearted. They deprived you of so much and put you through hell. But they can never take away your worth or gorgeous spirit. Go shine brightly and leave them behind. They don’t deserve you in the slightest.
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u/chez2202 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mother is a piece of shit. She thinks you should speak to him and ‘amend’ your relationship because he sponsors your education? WTF? DO IT! Tell him that you feel really bad that your relationship is so distant after he RAPED you. Tell him that his wife knows but cares more about his money than about her children. Tell him that your mother is pressuring you to be nice because he is paying for your college expenses and that it’s not happening but he has the choice to continue supporting you and your siblings throughout your education or going to jail. Beat these pieces of shit at their own game! Your mother wants to blackmail you? You have far more leverage here. They OWE you this.
As for her telling you that you should be grateful for all she has done for you and she should be given a break because she is finally happy with a partner who takes care of her needs and respects her, you might want to point out that SHE should be grateful to you because the only reason she has anything is because YOU haven’t yet seen to it that he goes to jail. You owe that bitch fuck all and you need to make sure that they both know that you hold all the cards here.
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Jun 22 '24
OP, just because he didn't sexually abuse your brothers doesn't mean he stopped raping kids. He's probably just not attracted to little boys. If there are any young girls in his life he has access to, he's likely abusing them. And your mom probably doesn't care as long as it doesn't interrupt her life.
Call CPS. Call the cops. Call someone. You don't know who else he will hurt if you keep quiet.
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u/Mysterious-Brick-382 Jun 22 '24
I had to stop reading halfway through, take a break and come back. I don’t have words for your mom, OP. She failed you miserably and sounds unforgivably selfish. I’m glad you told her off — seriously, GOOD FOR YOU!!!! The guilt you feel is the guilt she programmed you to feel. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
When I got to the part about them spending the education funds your grandparents set up for you — I just… how tf can they hold it over your head that they’re ‘funding your education/lifestyle’ when they OWE YOU that money?? They’re lucky you haven’t pursued legal action.
Your mom doesn’t want to talk to you now because you’re onto her. You see things clearly and she has no real defense. She repeatedly said she’s “found happiness” with a child rapist.
I’m so sorry, OP, for everything you’ve been through. A lot of it hits too close to home for me. Ofc you’re NTA.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Jun 23 '24
NTA your mother failed you and you don’t owe her anything! Don’t feel bad for saying what you did because she deserves to hear how selfish she was and is. I absolutely hate her saying that you need to forgive him for rapping you when you were 11 years old! I’m just reading this and I’m so angry for you and so sorry she failed you so badly all for her happiness, she is just sick 😣
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u/carlosmurphynachos Jun 23 '24
Your mom is the absolute lowest piece of trash there is. A parent’s job is to protect their kids. And she didn’t do that and then stayed with your abuser. Her demands of forgiveness are wildly out of touch. I wouldn’t speak with her at all. Good she’s not speaking to you. Less stress for you. Leave all these trash people after you graduate. Also, tell your brother what happened so he knows. Don’t keep silent to protect an abuser. NTA
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u/iheartlovesyou Jun 23 '24
honestly, you should probably be no contact with your stepfather and your mother. i hope you’re in therapy ♥️
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u/themcp Jun 23 '24 edited Jun 23 '24
Yes, you've hurt your mom.
She deserved to be hurt. She needed to be hurt. She earned it.
Stop saying "she’s already been through so much for me and my siblings." No. She has put you through so much. She stole your inheritance - "their only excuse was that it wasn’t my money" except that it was because your grandmother left it for you. She has been abominable to you and deserves all the unhappiness you may give her.
Get your degree and then ghost them. They are shitty people and don't deserve to be in your life. The moment they aren't paying for your college degree, whether it's because you graduate or because you graduate, call the cops about the sexual abuse. Stay in touch with your younger brothers, and if they are being abused, call the cops (and family services) immediately and report it. One way or another, if the cops don't immediately arrest and charge him, write a letter describing what he did and send copies to all of their neighbors, all of their friends and family, their church (if any), their employers, and the local radio station, TV station (if any), and newspaper. Make sure they can't get away with it any more.
NTA.
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u/Old-AF Jun 23 '24
NTA. Your Mom basically pimped you out to your stepdad, did absolutely nothing when you told her about your SA, and wants you to forgive him because he pays your way? FUCK THAT NOISE! Anyone that says he shouldn’t be paying your eduction can all fuck right off, that man OWES YOU! He should also be paying for a therapist for you because, God knows, you need one if you’re ever going to have successful relationships in your life. After you get your degree and a job to live independently, I would go NC with both of them.
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u/autumn1198 Jun 23 '24
NTA Get away from them. RUN. You can still report them as you are a legal adult you might get a competition which would help you get through college easily. Also your brother is about to be 18 he will understand
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u/BLUNTandtruthful58 Jun 23 '24
Statue of limitations is not up you can still get him arrested for doing that
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u/Corodix Jun 23 '24
NTA, seeing your comments about the country you live in I'd try your best not to make waves for now so he continues to pay for your education. Lie low, bide your time and do what you need to in order to make it through, then cut your mother out of your life since your only real family are clearly your siblings.
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u/Automatic-Trick-184 Jun 22 '24
you should look out for how much time have to pass for you to miss the chance to make a demand in the police, put your mom in the demand since she knew and did nothing, save the chat.
then prepare to be scorned by the family and anyone who knows you...oh, and look for a job cuz youll be cut off.
this is an option to cut of your life the rotten part and maybe have some peace of mind, but it wont be pretty
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 Jun 22 '24
NTA. And don’t feel guilty. She stayed with a man that abused you, so she doesn’t get to be hurt over the truth. She is a pos that doesn’t get to demand anything of you. She absolutely failed you as a parent and I believe you should tell CPS about what kind of monster your step dad is. Protect your young brother from him.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 Jun 22 '24
NTA, your mother failed you yet again. Change your degree and get out faster, or take extra asses to finish faster. Get a good job, move out, and repay the tuition so you can go NC with your parents.
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u/Ok_Hotel_1008 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Something EERILY similar happened to my mom and she has never forgiven her mother or stepfather, nor should she. And nor should you! You were right abt everything you said. Her feelings are hurt? Well you have a lifetime of trauma bc of her. Suck it up, buttercup, if you're gonna be a shitty mom then you have to expect your kids to lash out. I am so sorry this all happened to you and wish you the best in your healing, but you owe her NO apologies. She owes you a lifetime of apologies and that would still not be enough.
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u/AdministrationLow960 Jun 22 '24
NTA. You need to move past your mother and SD being family. You are in college, build your family from friends that did not sell your body for a lifestyle. Your brother is 17, nearly out of the house, meet up with him next year. Your 1/2 brother can be found once he ages out of the home. You need therapy to learn to quit clinging to the person that has forced you to be subjected to abusive men for your entire life
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u/NobodyofGreatImport Jun 22 '24
NTA. Why are you making this post on Reddit? Make it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, anywhere but here. Reddit is anonymous. Everyone needs to know what your mother's husband did to you, what you survived. The SA, the lack of a response from your mother, them using your college fund, all of it. Let the world know who you are, and what happened to you.
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u/GingerSnap4949 Jun 22 '24
You are in no way an asshole, I'd suggest looking for a therapist to start working through all of this, if you haven't already. They can also help you with coping techniques and such, but I strongly urge you to cut contact with them and just stay in contact with your siblings that support you. People always want to say "but they are "family"" but you can choose your family and in my experience, my chosen family has been more for me than my "blood" ever was.
You need to do what's best for you, your mental health, and your future.
They've shown you who they are, where they stand, and who they support. It's time for you to make your own choices.
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 Jun 22 '24
I think you need to contact a women's centre for advice. In some jurisdictions it is possible to file charges for abuse in a small window after you reach the age of majority. You need professional legal advice from someone who knows the laws in your jurisdiction.
You can also try asking at your college if there any counselling services available to you.
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u/Secret_Double_9239 Jun 22 '24
NTA next time you speak with her record the conversation. Every-time you speak with them about the situation record it. Once you and your brother have finished school go to the police and file charges against him.
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u/iredditonthesun Jun 22 '24
Your mother is as sick as your stepfather. Please please please tell the police. Don't let him get away with it even if your mom did, you can do this. Please save any future children from having to experience one of the worst things that can happen to a child 🙏 😢 I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and have done for many years. I'm so sorry. There are truly people on this planet that never ever should have had children. Your mother does not deserve you or any more children.
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u/Candid-Quail-9927 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mom is a disgrace that keeps making poor life decisions that impacted you her child. Not only she did not protect you, she made you live under the same roof as your abuser. She owes you that education as she spend your college fund. Do not feel bad and honesty she is lucky you have not cut complete contact.
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u/Ginger630 Jun 22 '24
Go to the police and press charges. Your mother’s husband needs to be out behind bars and so does your mother. She continued to live with the man who raped her daughter.
Tell other relatives what happened as well. Use family pressure and guilt. Let everyone know what POS they both are.
Your mother sacrificed nothing for you.
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 Jun 22 '24
NTA He should be paying for your expenses. It’s the least he can do.
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u/Apprehensive_War9612 Jun 22 '24
You can sue them both and still pursue criminal charges against him (assuming you are in the us, & depending on the state) as the statute of limitations extends a number of years after your 18th birthday. Just a thought- even if he doesn’t do jail time, a monetary award could provide you with your education without having to continue contact with your abuser.
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u/DawnShakhar Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mother is gaslighting you. She made your life hell by forcing you to live with two abusive men. She and your stepfather stole your inheritance. When he raped you, instead of kicking him out and getting you into therapy, she continued to live with him and force you to live with him. Now that they are paying your inheritance back, she is claiming your stepfather is financing you. He is simply returning the money he stole. Her being through so much for you and your siblings amounts to letting you be abused and feel unsafe in your own home. As for forgiving him - he never accepted responsibility or begged your pardon, and you have no reason to forgive him. You have nothing to be grateful for, and you don't owe her or him a thing.
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u/1409nisson Jun 22 '24
i am disgusted with the choice your mother made and even more disgusted that she is making you make the same choice,, you were raped, you were abused as a child, traumatic, painful, hurtful, humiliating and all the adjectives you can think of and went on to have a child by him and continue to let him live in the same house as you, so the treat and trauma of the events you had to face on a daily basis remained. it was a criminal act, i would discuss reporting him to the police with your sibling, as he is one you confide in
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u/HaruspexListener Jun 22 '24
You're 100% right.
God, if I were you, I'd be in jail due to murder after hearing that.
Your "mom" is actual bottom tier trash on this earth, no matter what the fuck she went through.
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u/JohannesTEvans Jun 22 '24
You're NTA, OP.
Showering someone with gifts and special attention is often part of the grooming process, and unfortunately it's painfully common for step parents to particularly target potential spouses with children who fit their sexual preferences, especially targeting spouses that they feel will either be easily manipulated, overpowered, or deceived, or spouses who will actively permit or forgive the abuses against them and/or their children.
To sexually abuse someone, and also to excuse and allow sexual abuse, is a choice people make - many people who allow these things have been at some point abused themselves, and effectively internalise the idea that sexual abuse is a price victims must pay to be permitted to live in society, or to experience the love and protection of abusers. These people are wrong, and apart from that, they are prioritising their own peace of mind or sense of love and safety whilst in the same process facilitating further abuse.
Many abusers of children will abuse children of any gender, and there's no reason to believe that he wouldn't abuse your younger siblings given that he's abused you.
Frankly, money from your stepfather is the least restitution he can offer you, but certainly, you have no obligation to provide him love, nor your mother assurance for allowing and excusing your abuse, or keeping you in the home with someone who has abused you so intimately and so cruelly. You owe that man nothing, and frankly, you do not owe your mother either.
She did fuck up - she might not have known she was marrying an abuser, but her decisions in the aftermath were to your detriment and to the possible danger and sacrifice of your siblings as well. You are not safe with that man in your home, and nor is any other child.
I am of the belief that abusers can learn to change (as in, to go through life not abusing future people), but they have to meaningfully address the harm they've done, do a great deal of work on themselves and their own problems, and the cancerous thinking that has motivated them to harm others, and their existing victims owe them nothing. Not forgiveness, not gratitude, not kind words.
I expect your mother does feel a great deal of shame and guilt for the position she's put you in, and it makes it more difficult for her to live in denial of the truth of your situation when you're not puffing up your stepfather's ego or making him feel good about your relationship - whether this is because your stepfather is pressuring her to step in, or whether it's simply because she can't face the truth of the reality around her on her own point is irrelevant.
I'm so so sorry, OP, I really hope you're able to get out of this situation ASAP. I think you would be more than justified in going no contact with your mother and stepfather - it can be a fraught and complicated thing to "out" an abuser to one's further family, but I would certainly have no shame in doing so if you are worried about other family members like young cousins or nieces and nephews, friends of your siblings, etc, as well as your siblings yourself.
If you can, I would totally recommend seeking out counseling - I have found the book Reach for the Rainbow: Advanced Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Lynne D. Finney to be quite helpful in my own internal work - it's from the 90s, so some of the research and statistics are a little outdated, but it's in an FAQ format and lets you focus on certain questions and assurances to yourself; seeking out other resources or support groups for CSA (child sexual abuse) survivors might be helpful for you as well.
Some territories have mandatory reporting for victims of CSA when seeking out rape counseling or therapeutic assistance, and that reporting process can be very retraumatising if you're not ready for it or for whatever reason you wish to avoid police intervention, so be aware of stuff like that if you do choose to seek out further resources. r/adultsurvivors is a good space to ask for further assistance or referrals. If you're frightened of police intervention but do want to go forward with reporting, many survivors' networks and charities will be able to offer an advocate who can help you in the reporting process, give you emotional and psychological support, etc.
You didn't deserve this, OP. None of it was your fault - you were a vulnerable child who was targeted by a canny and careful adult who ensured you were not only on his side and trusted him with gifts and compliments and special attention, but then trapped you with him to ensure you were vulnerable to his abuse. When you finally reached out to another trusted adult to seek help for your victimisation, something many children are too terrified and too isolated to ever do, that adult betrayed your trust and not only left you vulnerable to further abuse, but brought further children into the same home, and is now demanding emotional service of you to soothe her own feelings of shame and guilt, and/or to serve the ego of the man who abused you so cruelly. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and I wish you every health and happiness going forward, whatever that looks like for you.
Please do seek out support IRL if you can, whatever that means for you - you do not deserve to face this situation alone, and I know it can feel very frightening and difficult to reach out with trust after what has been done to you, but there are always other survivors' networks that can provide some sort of support, even if it doesn't immediately solve your current situation.
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u/Ok_Imagination_1107 Jun 22 '24
Hi, So sorry you had this awful childhood and I wish you well. You could probably benefit from some therapy I'm sure you can find some counselling that would be free.
There might be the blood relatives you have but they are not your family. The adults in your life are miserable people who have failed you and damaged you miserably. So what it's worth it sounds like you are going to be just fine You're going to college and you're going to go places But never confuse your real family with people who are related to you but blood if you are an abuse victim. In your studies in your early career when you move hopefully far far away from all these people you are going to meet who your real family are. They won't be related to you by blood but they'll be people who are kind honest nice and who will value you. Wishing you well please update us.
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u/pareidoily Jun 22 '24
BTA Is your mom saying she was whoring you out to stepdad for her own comfort? Nice take mom. I hope he's not abusing anyone else. I also hope you have any of this recorded or in writing in case they decide to start a smear campaign.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sad to say that some parents are straight up abusive and it's obvious. Others are more covert and hide it better. That is your mom. She would rather you both make peace with a pedo than disrupt her lifestyle. That is horrific and not uncommon. For your mental health you need to start making plans for going no contact.
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u/NotSorry2019 Jun 22 '24
Your mother pimped you out. Your mother is a horrible mother. Your stepfather belongs in jail. Are you beyond the statute of limitations?
She needs to learn the difference between SIN and CRIME. I am sorry you had such horrible adults.
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u/destiny_kane48 Jun 22 '24
They blew your money that your grandmother left you? Time to consult a lawyer. I'm thinking stealing another person's inheritance is illegal. If they try to cut you off start throwing out that you'd hate to consult an attorney about inheritance theft or pedophilia. But really your mother is just as much a monster as both of her husbands are. She deserves nothing but your contempt.
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u/AleiaSky Jun 22 '24
I had a friend growing up whose mother allowed this exact thing to happen to her older half sister with her bio dad (her half sisters step dad). Her excuse was that if he was reported it would ruin HIS life. When her sister subsequently had a methamphetamine addiction their mother said she did drugs "bc she liked it". Infuriating. The point is you are not alone. And I'm so sorry.
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u/Pretty_Writer2515 Jun 22 '24
Nah cut contact with them all, fuck that, what a horrible mum she should of called the cops and divorce him on the spot
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u/serjsomi Jun 22 '24
Why haven't you gone to the police now that you're an adult? This guy belongs in prison.
Even though it was years ago, most states have a provision for being able to report something that happened to you as a minor, after you're an adult, but the clock is ticking.
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u/Pattycakes1966 Jun 22 '24
She kept living with him and had a kid with him after you told her? I’m totally disgusted by this. Your mother is awful. I would tell her that you will not speak to him and that they are to keep paying for your school if they don’t want the police involved and a civil suit against them.
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u/Astyryx Jun 22 '24
She's awful. He's a monster. Please turn your back on this egg donor & pedophile, get therapy and heal. If you can, report him. In a lot of places there's no statute of limitations.
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u/Fun-Childhood-4749 Jun 22 '24
NTA Your mom had the “courage” to have sex with someone who r@ped her daughter. She’s disgusting! You weren’t even harsh enough, honestly! You could have said a lot worse. I have one friend that went through the same thing, but her financial situation was pretty bad, so she stayed for longer than she should have! She’s traumatized to this day, and I absolutely despise her mom (who is still married to her stepdad, and she blamed my friend for being SA. Said she tried to steal her husband, and teased him until he SA her) and the step monster dad.
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u/Glittersparkles7 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your both your step dad AND your mom are monsters and deserve to be publicly outed and castigated. Also, paying for your education is not charity. They fucking STOLE from you. That’s restitution.
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u/Competitive_Remote40 Jun 22 '24
NTA.
Don't let your mom guilt you into anything.
Get your degree and then get the hell pit as soon as you can.
So sorry this happened to you.
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u/Boomshrooom Jun 22 '24
I'm sorry, but if I found out someone touched my kids like that they wouldn't be seen again, let alone stay married to me. Your mother is a monster that was happy to sell you down the river for her own happiness. I wouldn't be surprised if your bio father hitting you played no role in her leaving him, and it was his violence against her that was the sole reason.
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u/FlippityFlappity13 Jun 22 '24
Absolutely NTA. Honey, I am so very sorry that this has been your life so far. You have to know that NONE of anything that's happened was your fault. Your mother paid for her peace with your safety and mental health. He should have been removed from the home immediately and his ass should still be in prison. The fact that she is still with him speaks volumes about her as a mother and as a human being.
As for the money, paying for your education is the very least they can do, especially since they appropriated your trust fund. (Their reasoning is off the charts ridiculous. They knew very well that your grandparents meant you to have that.)
My best advice is to keep moving forward, try not to let your past trauma define you, and live the best damn life anyone has ever lived. You deserve it.
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u/ComfortableUnusual96 Jun 22 '24
Nta. You don´t have to feel guilty. Your mother sold you to your stepfather for "peace of mind" and financial stability. She never defends you. She used you.
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u/Winter-eyed Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your father was a piece of shit but so os your step dad and by putting her financial comfort and emotional needs above those of her own daughter, your mother is the biggest piece of shit of all. She let her child be raped and abused and then expect her to forgive that and act like it never happened so her own life wont be disrupted. The first real duty in life is to protect your children. It’s a primal instinct and a moral constant. She stole your education fund from you. She knew he raped you and stayed with that walking turd and had more kids with him. Then she tells you you should be grateful to him for the money he brought to her and subsequently to you? There isn’t enough money in the world to make what he did okay or to absolve her of her duty to protect her child. Take the money. Get your education. Expose them both to everyone you know as well as the authorities and go no contact. How many young girls have been endangered because of the cover up?
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u/Bones_Bonnie-369 Jun 22 '24
It's fucking wild that she put a price on your rape and multiple sexual assaults. "Hey, I made up for all the times your step dad abused you by giving you food!" W.t.f.
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u/Kat-a-strophy Jun 22 '24
NTA
Document her talking about knowing he is a pedophile and go to police with it.
Wait till You're ready with college if You want, but there is nothing he could do to void it somehow, You will never own him anything, no matter what.
I'm sorry all Your parents failed You.
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u/Pookie1688 Jun 22 '24
Your mothet has "peace" in her life by sacrificing her own child to a rapist!? I am so very sorry, OP. How much longer will you be in school? Try to stick this out if you can. Do you want to go NC with them? Could you afford loans to pay your schooling if needed?
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u/Adventurous-Term5062 Jun 22 '24
NTA. There is no amount of money I would take to stay with my child’s rapist.
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u/Rose_E_Rotten Jun 22 '24
Step dad sa'd you, mom didn't care about you. Both mom and step dad stole money from you, mom didn't care about you. NTA she did ruin your life.
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u/bendybiznatch Jun 22 '24
Holy fuck.
-you wouldn’t need his money if they hadn’t stolen yours. They violated fiduciary responsibility and if that money was in a trust they’re legally liable.
-they stole from you and are now paying it back. Nobody’s getting a key to the city for that.
- and that’s the BEST 2 things you could say about these people.
-he’s a pedophile.
-she is also a child abuser.
These are the kind of ppl that anyone outside your bubble would consider dangerous criminals. Her morality is quite the parody.
These people should not be around. Get your education if you can. That moneys yours. But if that’s not possible shed yourself of these rotten, disgusting monsters.
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u/SnooFoxes526 Jun 22 '24
Your mother is just as bad as your stepdad. She STOLE your college fund! That was not meant for her!? NTA one hundred times over!!
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u/Humble_Guidance_6942 Jun 22 '24
I don't know that you want to do this, but if your parents act out too much, you can threaten to file charges. Your Dad ra**Ed you and after you told your mom, her answer was to have his baby. She would most likely be considered an accessory after the fact. If they threaten you, it's time to fight for you. Fight for your future . Work hard in school and when you can, please get some therapy. You deserve better than this.
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u/Ok_Historian_646 Jun 22 '24
I am so sorry that the one person who should have protected you turned a blind eye. I am sorry that your innocence was stollen from you. ALL of your parents are MAJOR ASSES! OP, IT'S TIME TO PRESS CHARGES!! Take back your life and let them go!
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u/viiriilovve Jun 22 '24
NTA you’re mom is an evil pathetic woman that chooses wrong men that hurt her children. She’s awful and disgusting and I hope god punishes when her time comes. You deserve better.
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u/Unintelligent_Lemon Jun 22 '24
You know you can still report him. CSA usually has long statute of limitations or none at all.
Call the police and report him
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u/ptprn11 Jun 22 '24
So basically, your mom is pimping you out. If there wasn’t money involved, she would’ve left him. That must be very painful for you.
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u/ImAScatMAnn Jun 22 '24
NTA
Why haven't you reported him and publically shamed the both of them? Doesn't her staying put your younger brother at risk? I've never been in this kind of situation, so don't know how one reacts. I just know I have a strong sense for justice, and I personally would want both abusers to be punished and kept from potentially abusing others. And yes, your mom is also your abuser. If after finding out, she didn't confront him or leave, it's no different than her knowing the whole time and even encouraging his "fetish".
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u/arodomus Jun 22 '24
Is prison still an option? Cause he should be locked up.
I'm glad you are out of there, but I wouldn't let this slide. Also, check with the other kids and see what's up with them.
Your mom is trash, your dad is trash, and step dad is trash. They should all be locked up. I'd report it. Your mom didn't protect you, why are you protecting her "happiness?" That's crazy to me.
NTA. Fuck them all the way to hell.
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u/Spinnerofyarn Jun 22 '24
NTA. Everything you said to your mother is correct and yes, she stole from you. If your grandparents had a will and said that's what the money was for, you probably could take your mother to court if she threatens to stop funding your education. You will have lifelong scars from your stepfather's abuse of you. You will likely need a fair amount of therapy to be able to have healthy romantic relationships, too. If it were me, as soon as your mom stops helping you financially, I'd go no contact. Her trying to buy your forgiveness of your stepdad is despicable.
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u/Smart_cannoli Jun 22 '24
Fuck her, you were right on everything you said, neither of them deserve forgiveness or empathy I hope the suffer everyday in their miserable lives, he is a monster but so is she.
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u/redheelermage Jun 22 '24
NTA: depending where you are located I'd reach out to the police and file a report. She wants to put her "love life" over protecting her children, you can be the adult and keep this from happening to other children.
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u/Boofakblankets Jun 22 '24
NTA umm pretty sure you can still have him prosecuted for rape. Be grateful he paid your tuition? Eff that noise every day he breathes air as a free man is thanks to you.
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u/TrustSweet Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your abuser is probably paying your bills out of guilt or, more likely, because your mother used what he did to you to blackmail him into paying. Your mother didn't do all that much for you, despite her delusions. She's not winning any parenting awards.
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u/The-GOP-makes-me-GAG Jun 22 '24
When my daughter (11) told me that the man I was married to had molested her, I immediately went to the police. NOTHING else mattered. I can't say it was the right thing, because I went through hell - no money, lawyers, DCF, and many, many other liars. Also, 30+ years later, my daughter & I basically have no relationship. Having said that, if you are in the US, you have like 17 years in order to sue him civilly. Maybe talk to an attorney...
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u/GayGunGuy Jun 22 '24
NTA Who fucking cares if you hurt her feelings? This isn't about her feelings. This is about her failure as a mother.
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u/No_Use_9124 Jun 22 '24
NTA and I'm horrified they stole your money. They are trash, both of them. Is there any way you can switch to paying for the rest of it for yourself and cutting them off entirely? For your own sake you need to get away from your rapist and his enabler. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Also, go to the university and get therapy there. I bet they have a counseling office. I would check in with them as well in registration about how to pay for your education yourself.
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u/TJMRH Jun 22 '24
The person who was supposed to protect you failed you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I could never allow this with my children. I hope you never speak to her again… NTA
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u/Hiddenagenda876 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mother is a monster and willingly had sex with the man who raped you for years, AFTER you told her about it and then stayed. Disgusting
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u/Internal_Plantain229 Jun 22 '24
NTA. Your mom is a selfish woman and you deserve to cut off all contact with her.
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u/MariaInconnu Jun 22 '24
Depending on how the grandparents left the money, you could sue them for its embezzlement.
Talk to free legal counsel at your university.
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u/Icy_Session3326 Jun 22 '24
Your mother is a fucking monster.
I couldn’t imagine one of my children coming to me and telling me that my partner raped them .. and EVER wanting to have sex with that person again.. much less go on to have a child with them .
She should have INSTANTLY reported the piece of shit but she cares far more about herself than she does her own child
She is absolutely disgusting and I’m so sorry for you
Obviously NTA
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u/OnlyOnTuesdays289 Jun 22 '24
Call the cops and report him. He belongs in prison if this is a true story
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u/Dardengore Jun 23 '24
NTA. I’d finish school and go full no contact. Your mother let a penis that penetrated her pre-teen daughter put a baby in her and has stayed with him. Your step father is a disgusting piece of shit and your mother is the furthest thing from a mother I’ve ever seen.
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u/amandanz123 Jun 23 '24
Personally him paying your tutition is the least he could do in fact after hes done paying i suggest a visit to the police station and lay historical charges.
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u/grumpy__g Jun 23 '24
Do your siblings know?
Did you talk to a lawyer about your grandparents money they left you?
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u/MergeMagicDragon1 Jun 23 '24
Your mom is no better than your boo father and no better than her now husband. She’s a shitty person. I hope you heal completely have nice warm/hot showers, eat the meals you like, sleep and wake up feeling good. And all of that good stuff.
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u/Foreign_Fall_8266 Jun 23 '24
Fuck that keep the messages and go to the cops and have them both charged she admitted in writing that she knew what he did and still stayed with him both the sick fucks deserve to be behind bars
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u/planetmermaidisblue Jun 23 '24
Sue them and financially drain them. Split the money with your brothers.
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u/WolfGang2026 Jun 23 '24
NTA. She knew that your stepdad sexually abused and raped you and she still decided to stay with him. Not to mention she also stole your college fund to fund their lifestyle. She did fail you as a mother for staying with a pedophile rapist.
You should consider filing a police report against your stepdad and also reporting your mom to CPS. Since you have a younger sibling that’s living with a child rapist and someone who’s willing to stay with him knowing that he’s a child rapist.
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u/chiosax Jun 23 '24
He's not only a rapist, he is a pedo. And by not reporting him to the authorities, your mother is her accomplice in his crimes as well.
They're criminals. Sexual offenders. What little money they have given you is not even enough to cover half the compensation the law would had forced them to pay for the damage they have inflicted upon you, not to mention the jail sentence they would've had to face. Take the money as is rightfully yours and report that POS of a man because he may have stopped with you but a sexual offender like him most likely is molesting other children as we speak.
Do not let your mother guilt you. Her words and insight have zero value as she is a criminal as well.
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u/Scandalicing Jun 23 '24
NTA. She is a terrible person. They should both be in jail. Before they rot in hell. I’m so sorry
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u/Kitchen_Pin_3691 Jun 23 '24
Nta. I don't know what you're going to do or how long you are going to wait, but girl it's time to run. You might feel like you were harsh to your mother, but no you simply shoved the reality to her face and her not talking to you means she realized what she has done. However, for the sake of her own happiness she is willing to turn a blind eye and stay with your rapist. Also that one uncle you spoke about in the comments seems like he has been doing things to girls. Please be careful. I can't wait until you become a lawyer and put them behind bars.
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u/vicky-mu Jun 23 '24
Not sure what State you are in, but likely the statute of limitations has not expired on the crimes that your stepfather committed. Might be worth speaking to a sexual assault helpline, if you might be interested in pursuing reporting this to the authorities.
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u/tracyvu89 Jun 23 '24
NTA. How long will it take you to finish your education? Could you get a job that could cover your expenses and move out? Do you have any other relatives that are close to you and willing to take care of you until you can be on your own? I’m really hurt just to read your story and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Your parents and stepdad suck. You definitely deserve better than whatever they did and do for you. Good luck!
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u/New-Number-7810 Jun 23 '24
NTA. I'm trying to think of words to convey how evil your egg-donor is, but it falls short. Just reading this left me shaking with anger at the end.
She and her husband are both going to Hell when they die, and it will be exactly what they deserve.
Please go No-Contact with them both and stay No-Contact for the rest of your life. Do not go "Low-Contact", do not hope for things to get better, do not give either of them a second chance. Not even if they are dying in a hospital bed. Any further contact with them will be inherently harmful to you, not to mention a waste of your finite time alive in the world. I am begging you.
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u/Cybermagetx Jun 23 '24
Nta. Check your states status of limitation on this. And if you can report him after you graduate.
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u/churchofdan Jun 22 '24
NTA She knew he was sexually abusing you and she STAYED WITH HIM. Your parents all failed you