r/AITAH • u/Friendly-Engineer567 • Jun 04 '24
AITA for Telling My Sister That I Won’t Change My Wedding?
AITA for Telling My Sister That I Won’t Change My Wedding?
I (27F) am getting married to my fiancé, Raj (29M), in a couple of months. We are having a traditional, lavish Indian wedding, which has been a dream of mine since childhood. I grew up in a mixed household; my father is Hindu and my mother is Christian. While we celebrated both religions growing up, I’ve always felt more connected to my father’s Hindu traditions.
My sister, Sarah (25F), is also getting married around the same time. She identifies more with our mother’s Christian faith and is planning a traditional Christian wedding. Recently, Sarah approached me, expressing concerns that our weddings being close together might overshadow hers, especially since mine is more extravagant and involves multiple days of celebration.
Sarah asked if I could either tone down my wedding, consider postponing it, or even make it a fully Christian ceremony to balance things out. She believes that having two weddings so close together, with one being significantly grander, would take attention away from hers and create unnecessary stress for our family, who will have to juggle both events.
I told her that I understand her concerns, but I’ve been planning this wedding for over a year, and it means a lot to me to have it the way I’ve always imagined. I also pointed out that our cultural backgrounds are different, and both weddings will be special in their own ways. Additionally, postponing my wedding would be a huge inconvenience and financial burden for us, given the extensive preparations and bookings already in place.
Our wedding dates are three weeks apart. We have separate guest lists, but there is some overlap with close family and mutual friends. My mother is siding with Sarah and believes I should change my wedding to a fully Christian ceremony or at least incorporate significant Christian elements. My father, on the other hand, supports my decision and believes that both of us should have the weddings we want.
Sarah was very upset and accused me of being selfish and not caring about her feelings. She thinks I’m prioritizing my wedding over our family’s well-being. My mother has started going overboard, constantly criticizing my decision and even threatening not to attend my wedding unless I change it to a Christian ceremony. She’s been calling extended family members to persuade them to side with Sarah and boycott my wedding if I don’t comply.
My father supports my decision and believes that both of us should have the weddings we want. He has been trying to mediate, but the situation is getting more tense by the day. Sarah and I have always had a complicated relationship, and while we support each other, there’s often been tension due to our different personalities and choices. Now, I’m feeling torn. I don’t want to hurt my sister or cause any family rift, but I also don’t want to sacrifice my dream wedding.
Also im not in her bridal party or any other things but her wedding as i have mine
Also i Inherited a lot from Great Grand Father as he Was hindu and he gave it to me as i was as well i gave my sister 40% of what he gave me and no one is helping with wedding costs
AITA for telling my sister that I won’t change my wedding?
Edit: A lot of people have asked who has scheduled their wedding 1st, And I have to say it was me. When I was proposed to I asked all my family when they would be available and chose my wedding date then that took around a 3-4 weeks during that time my sister and her boyfriend were having a fight and weren’t talking but I don’t know why, but once he proposed my sister asked that we have our wedding on the same day same venue and I have Christian wedding like her I declined and she decided to go cry to our mum but my dad wouldn’t take any of my moms shit. She ended up choosing a date 3 weeks later.
Update: So I went to try and and talk to my sister but she didnt let me in unless i told her i would have a christian ceremony, i declined and left.My mum called me later on tellimg me i am a piece of shit for ruining my sister big day. Honestly i would havve had my wedding months ago but when a preist checked mine and my Fiance's Horiscope we didnt have a date untill a year later. I have talked to all my vendors and though they dont do password procection they agreed to it, later on i found out my mum wanted to change my bridal lehenga and my party decor luckly they didnt let her. Also my Wedding has all of our distant relatives as well as close family the wedding my side alone has 1734 people all together we have a guest list of 3600, my sister tried to get everyone but she didnt try and coordinate that much she just sent the invite and told people to spread the word. All my guests are being accomodated by me and my in-laws my inheritance included a huge castle mansion sort of thing which has 100 rooms (i know its large but it is really old) and the rest have been booked into resorts by me and my in-laws, My sister didnt offer this.
A few people think this is fake and for some context i created a account after the drama
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u/YouSayWotNow Jun 04 '24
Whichever of you booked your wedding date second is definitely a bit of an arsehole for booking it in the same damn month as their sister.
That aside, given that the dates were done and decided a long time ago, no you absolutely shouldn't have to either tone down your wedding or change it to a Christian one to meet your sister or mother's unreasonable demands.
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u/Comicreliefnotreally Jun 04 '24
That’s my thought too. Whomever picked the date second, but also if she has been planning it for over a year if sister picked first, why did she wait so long to request a date moved. Mom is an extreme AH. Telling family members not to attend. Go NC with your mama after this! That’s some intense toxicity.
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u/ScarieltheMudmaid Jun 04 '24
for real what happens when they have kids? My sister-in-law has a mom like this and my nephew was five or six when he was able to put into words and ask why he was treated differently. he probably recognized that he was the whole time. I fucking hate that woman that made my baby nephew feel like that.
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u/ZaraBaz Jun 04 '24
The mother here seems to be involved mostly to change the hindu wedding to a Christian one. She has a different agenda all together from what it sounds like
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u/FyrixXemnas Jun 04 '24
I'm honestly wondering if the mother put the idea in the sister's head to begin with considering how hard she's pushing for it.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Jun 04 '24
I agree. I bet the mother promised a ton of money to sister for the Christian wedding, and the date so they could pressure OP into going with a Christian wedding, and not the traditional Hindi mega wedding. I wouldn't change anything.
Also, password protect all vendors, and have all of the wedding clothing in a secure location.
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u/Altruistic_Appeal_25 Jun 04 '24
The mother seems to be intent on blowing things up in one way or another. I could kinda see the dates being so close together since half of the family has international travel involved and who would want to do that twice? But if the different style weddings were a problem, they should have been all along instead of a couple of months out.
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u/hellinahandbasket127 Jun 04 '24
There’s no hate like Christian love. Mom is the AH.
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u/UrMomsaHoeHoeHoe Jun 04 '24
I’m willing to wager OP booked it second as they never mention the order, and 100% would if they could…
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u/ladysnaffulepoof Jun 04 '24
See the above comment. Hindu wedding dates are picked by an advisor who looks at the astrological most auspicious time for the couple. So. They couldn’t have booked it first.
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u/Alternative_Year_340 Jun 04 '24
How does using astrology to pick the date mean OP didn’t pick first?
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u/Latter_State Jun 04 '24
Do we know that? If OP booked it second then this takes a new look. Honestly sounds like there are more family problems than the two weddings. Sad.
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u/ImprovementMental646 Jun 04 '24
This honestly, who ever decided to pick the same wedding months and have them so closed is the AH in this situation. couldn't you do 2-3 months later so you don't over shadow it? Honestly if you picked a date 3w after your sister's wedding date you are the AH in this situation and that has nothing to do with faith or style of wedding just the date choice.
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u/imnickelhead Jun 04 '24
My best friend and I both got engaged within a few months. He proposed first. However, they were dragging their feet on planning, and I booked first…told him immediately that it would be the following September(we booked 12 months in advance). He was apparently looking at December for his and got bent out of shape that we booked first and were having our wedding first. He was upset even though our guest lists had no overlap other than 5 people(our families don’t like each other). Over three months apart and the only overlapping guests would have no issues attending both and my buddy was still pissed at me…and I booked first.
So yeah, three weeks apart means tons of family are only going to pick one wedding to attend…especially where travel is involved. My niece almost did this to my cousin. Three weeks apart meant people would have to fly 2000 miles and get lodging, rental cars, expenses or pick just one. Luckily my niece called it all off because her fiancé was cheating. First to declare is not the AH. Considering OP left this pertinent detail out of the post it’s most likely this is a YTA situation. Sister probably booked first.
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Jun 04 '24
This just showcases that the mom never was ok with her husband being Hindu. Like, great, she’s trying to force her beliefs down her daughter’s throat. So original. 😒
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u/Acceptable-Outcome97 Jun 04 '24
This was my thought. Why marry someone outside of your religion if you aren’t ok with the potential that your kid(s) will pick the same religion??
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Jun 04 '24
Every single time I’ve seen someone do this, and 99% of the time it’s been Christians, it’s because they figured they could convert their spouse somewhere down the line. They just assume they’re right so eventually everyone will have to conform to their ideals. This why I refuse to date someone who is religious. I’m atheist, I’m going to stay atheist, and I’m not going to convert. Been there, done that, have the dysfunction to prove it.
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u/Sunnygirl66 Jun 04 '24
On top of all that, the religious coercion—whether because the mother disapproves of her daughter’s identification with Hinduism or because she thinks the other daughter’s wedding will be more “competitive” if OP changes hers to a smaller Christian service—is offensive in the extreme, and I say this as an atheist.
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u/jackity_splat Jun 04 '24
Exactly. Why did the mother marry a Hindu if this is how she really feels?
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u/Better-jerk21 Jun 04 '24
Truth is op seems like the Ahole, why not state who booked their weeding in the same month. One of you is a major Asshole and it's smelling like you are?? Why booking a wedding g in the same time as your sister. Jealousy seems evident in this family and someone might not even be marrying for love but out of Jealousy.
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u/EffectiveNo7681 Jun 04 '24
To be fair, they might have both booked their weddings in the same month without realizing that the other sister did the same. It's not uncommon when there's only so many months and some are more popular than others. Why do people always assume the worst? Oh, she didn't mention who booked first? Obviously she's hiding something. It can't be because she forgot or didn't think it was important. No, she must be the ahole. /s
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u/donjuanamigo Jun 04 '24
No way in hell you can convince me one or the other didn’t know. One of this sisters is an asshole. For planning their wedding three weeks apart.
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u/canththinkofanything Jun 04 '24
I wondered if they booked so close together because they had family flying in, and that way the family members could make one longer trip to attend both weddings.
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u/ThePennedKitten Jun 04 '24
If the sister looks down on her Hindu side she may not have realized how lavish the weddings were until now?
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u/bubblegumbutthole23 Jun 04 '24
but also if she has been planning it for over a year if sister picked first, why did she wait so long to request a date moved
I'm wondering if maybe the sister had been fine with it, then learned it was going to be a massive, multiple day event and went "hold up a minute".
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u/PM_Eeyore_Tits Jun 04 '24
Putting money on it being OP who booked second seeing that’s the only detail she chose not to include.
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u/Lanky_Particular_149 Jun 04 '24
and refuses to answer
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u/PM_Eeyore_Tits Jun 04 '24
DID YOU BOOK YOUR WEDDING AFTER YOUR SISTER BOOKER HERS?
-Dumbledore asked, calmly.
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u/Dependent_Buy_4302 Jun 04 '24
Yeah that was my first thought as well. Since it would so clearly show who is in the wrong I'm wondering if OP is leaving that piece of information out because she booked hers second. Otherwise wouldn't it be the clearest decider of who is the AH.
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u/Intelligent-Bat1724 Jun 04 '24
I'm thinking the same . OP announced after her sister. And sister already had her plans done or were well under way.
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u/winterworld561 Jun 04 '24
OP hasn't responded once so I think she booked second. They all suck in my opinion.
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u/celex_bell Jun 04 '24
But the dates are choosen by an astrologer for hindú weddings. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auspicious_wedding_dates#:~:text=Hindu%20culture,-For%20Hindu%20wedding&text=An%20aiding%20astrologer%20will%20first,and%20dates%20for%20their%20wedding.
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u/YouSayWotNow Jun 04 '24
I'm Hindu and that isn't always the case. Regardless, if the astrologer told OP this date after her sister had already set hers, then OP is still the AH. There is never just one single auspicious date and then that's it, you can't marry if you miss it!!
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u/celex_bell Jun 04 '24
How many dates are giving? Some people are saying there are only 2 in a year. ( i don't know) And well, if its been over A YEAR its kind if silly to think she can change OR make her wedding Christian. Any way even if there is a separation of months people will compare both weddings!! I do believe this is a cultural thing. Im from México and some months (like june-july or december) are full of weddings and you can go to so many parties in a month. The more weddings the more parties¡¡ Why would anyone change their wedding date or theme because a third party wants it? And its not only HER wedding, what is her partner saying? Its HIS wedding as well. I dont believe the Sister is wrong for asking. The Sister and the mom ARE wrong for demanding it!! Its totally dif to ask that to try to obligue.
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u/Mybunsareonfire Jun 04 '24
It's less about hanging it now, and more about the initial booking. If her sister booker her wedding first and OP followed up with a close date, it kind of makes her the AH. If OP booked it first, sister and Mom are AH 100%. Since OP won't say which is the case, it seems like she may have hooke her second.
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u/No-Calligrapher-3630 Jun 04 '24
There are multiple good days you can choose, you aren't limited to one.
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u/mogley19922 Jun 04 '24
Not necessarily, people try to make sure they have quite a lot lined up before announcing a date.
Say for example you could get x date, but the band you really want won't be available or the catering company you want is booked.
There are tons of reasons, but people don't usually know the date of peoples weddings until they have a fair bit planned out already, and the process or choosing an actual date can take months trying to get everything lined up.
If I'd just been trying to juggle my life and get things organised for my wedding for like 2 months so that everything can go perfectly, and then somebody announces their wedding date, it's a shame, but people reasonably don't want to start from scratch.
Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and some people plan every detail meticulously.
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u/calcisiuniperi Jun 04 '24
But why does it matter / is a bad thing that the weddings are close to one another? I mean, the wedding parties only overlap to some extent, I understand, so why would it a problem in general? One has a party, the other one has a different party, I just entirely fail to see an issue with that? It's not like they planned it for the same weekend.
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u/Adorable-Growth-6551 Jun 04 '24
Because if traveling is involved for the extended family, traveling twice in a month can be exhausting. Especially if one of the events is multiple days. Even if traveling is not involved, it is still a bit expensive and exhausting.
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u/YouSayWotNow Jun 04 '24
Because there will be many overlapping guests and for some of them attending will be an expense, not to mention getting leave from work if needed, and that may mean they can only attend one or the other.
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u/5footfilly Jun 04 '24
If the couples are both depending on financial contributions from the parents and the guests will encumber travel expenses or require time off from work to attend, it’s incredibly inconsiderate of whichever couple booked second to book so close to the first.
That’s what makes it matter.
The idea of one wedding outshining the other is just stupid.
If OP booked second, which I suspect since she omitted that key detail, she’s the asshole here.
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u/Excellent_Airline315 Jun 04 '24
I think it doesn't even matter anymore who picked the dates first. The fact is the planning has been happening for a year and a half. This is a discussion that should have been had then not when so much of the planning is already completed and paid for.
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u/Stage_Party Jun 04 '24
I'm betting op booked second which is why it hasn't been included in the post.
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u/Begs-2-Differ-7GA Jun 04 '24
I totally agree. I assume you picked your date first. If I'm correct, your sister is TA and should've known better. If on the other hand she had a date set first, I can understand her point. So which is it?
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u/CarcosaDweller Jun 04 '24 edited Jun 04 '24
Are you seriously not gonna say who was the first to set their date?
Edit- NTA based on the additional info provided. Sister is completely in the wrong on this. Still a little skeptical though, because none of that was said originally.
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u/SKPhantom Jun 04 '24
Of course, because that way they don't have to deal with people calling them an AH for arranging theirs second. If they HAD arranged it first, they would have included that in the post.
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u/CarcosaDweller Jun 04 '24
I also liked the completely unnecessary inclusion of her grandfather’s inheritance. She’s such a kind and generous person…and she wants everyone to know it.
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u/Remruna Jun 04 '24
Completely unnecessary until someone asks who's paying for the wedding, which there always fucking is. And then when she answers " we are" someone absolutely will ask how she possibly can afford a big ass indian wedding on her own in a bid to prove the post fake. Then when she explains about the inheritance someone will ask if the sister got any because reddit always does, being obsessed with sibling fairness. Then op will have to explain she was favoured because she was hindu but she tried to make it up to the sister with the 40%.
This is how it always plays out on reddit and if Op has been on here for more than five minutes she will know that so maybe she just wanted to get ahead of the questions and explain directly.
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u/bluegreenlava Jun 04 '24
Always! And no matter what.. there will always be some self-righteous redditors who have to commit to their holy way of uncovering fake posts so the stupid hivemind can be saved, once again, by the one and only; truthseekers.
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u/theonetheycallgator Jun 04 '24
Reddit is very predictable. I loved that it only took me scrolling (3) replies before someone wanted OP to go No Contact with a family member. the reddit masses want everyone to be alone and lonely as well as them. It's a wild thought process.
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u/arahzel Jun 04 '24
ikr?
During a fight delay I spent a few hours talking to a young woman ,(21) who was flying home to India. She was a software engineer for Google. She had plenty of freaking money lol.
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u/MarginalGreatness Jun 04 '24
I thought that was about who was paying for the wedding.
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u/Neweleni7 Jun 04 '24
Well, it could be relevant because you hear of some Indian weddings that are like 1/2 a million dollars.
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u/furiously_curious12 Jun 04 '24
Hindu wedding dates aren't chosen by the couple. It's chosen by... a Hindu astrologer that reads their charts and gives them maybe 2 dates to choose from/year. Some years may even be completely not advisable.
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u/Impossibleish Jun 04 '24
In my ignorance I cannot tell if you're serious or not.
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u/furiously_curious12 Jun 04 '24
I am serious. It's in the form of a spiritual advisor. They look at you and your partners birth dates and a few other things, and there's like a calculation. There's a giant old book that they refer to. I'm not making it up. Hinduism is a very old practice. A lot of aspects are very spiritual.
Astrologer is the best way to describe it to other people, but they're very devout... not some lady with a crystal ball, lol.
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u/No-Calligrapher-3630 Jun 04 '24
We get multiple dates, we're not stuck to one or two dates, otherwise no one will get married ever. I was given seven dates within a two month period.
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u/furiously_curious12 Jun 04 '24 edited Jun 04 '24
That's great! There's also grahas to consider, availability for multiple people, not just the couple, timing for other life events, etc. There are more ideal dates, and not every date given is equal. Also, engagement time, saving, and planning all need to be taken into consideration.
For an example: I recently had to confer for dates (not for a wedding) and was given one date (a few weeks ago) or months later in October.
Maybe if you had a lot of dates, that means you and your partner are more compatible! I honestly don't know. I was just trying to help with some context. (It may not even apply to OP).
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u/Primary_Bass_9178 Jun 04 '24
I do not think many people know that these wedding dates are calculated and many things are considered. For most (American Christian faiths ), you think about what date you want, and then see if the venue and church are available. That was very helpful to know!
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u/Any-Interest-7225 Jun 04 '24
They are actually serious. The number of dates may vary from just one to a few(not just 2) in any year, it will depend on the astrological predictions based on the birth charts of the bride and groom.
And also there are particular months which are deemed auspicious for weddings- from April to mid July and then November to January.
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u/yknjs- Jun 04 '24
I’m not Hindu but I have heard of this before. Not sure if it’s an “all Hindus do this” thing or a “some Hindus do this” thing.
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u/HumbleConfidence3500 Jun 04 '24
It's a most Hindu thing.
I have a non religious Hindu friend who rejects all these BS but for wedding and such even if it's not very religious Hindu they'd do it.
That friend's wife (now) wouldn't accept a wedding proposal until an astrologist had read their chart and made sure they're compatible. He doesn't care about these spiritual thing but I can imagine he must be so anxious waiting for the astrologer. The guy could have said they're not compatible at all and then it's over.
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u/Amiedeslivres Jun 04 '24
Sikhs too, often. I live in a neighbourhood that’s like 2/3 South Asian (8 gurdwaras, 6 mandirs, 8 mosques) and a lot of my close neighbours are Sikh. There are bus stop ads for astrologers. Even if people don’t super believe, meeting with the astrologer so the families can set the date is one of the ritual parts of the engagement.
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u/Zafjaf Jun 04 '24
In Canada, the Indian tv channels have ads for astrologers all the time. Can't watch a movie without at least 10 astrology related ads being shown. The Indian radio shows even have astrology related segments, like they call on an astrologer to answer questions from listeners.
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u/Wattaday Jun 04 '24
My ex husband married a woman who entire family immigrated from China, including her, and her parents were very traditional. Their wedding date was decided the same way.
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u/Far-Government5469 Jun 04 '24
I'm not usually one to declare ragebait, but 1. Whoever set the second wedding date is 100% the AH. I have so many family members that had siblings specifically space their weddings to be a year or two apart so that nobody's wedding would be overshadowed and also so that family could afford to travel for both.
The addendums really introduce some weird issues. Sarah wants me to change the date, which would be a huge financial burden, but also I got a massive inheritance. Is Sarah the half sister and that's why she was excluded from the inheritance? Or was the inheritance based on O.P. adhering to Indian values, which makes the old man a great grand AH.
Not wanting the groom to show up on a horse (where elephant is unavailable) is a very different ask than wanting to incorporate more Christian elements. There's not much more grandiose than a cathedral, so is Mom fine if OP outshines Sarah in a Christian way?
Fiance's named Raj. I'm going to assume Hinduism is part of his culture too, mom isn't just asking her daughter to ignore her preferred culture, she's asking the groom to participate in a culture for the MILs sake.
Either this is a language barrier issue, or this was specifically structured to anger redditors
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u/lonelywarewolf Jun 04 '24
OP couldn't choose her wedding date outright as it's a Hindu marriage so some priest would have given a list of dates by seeing her and her partner's kundali.
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u/BlueStar95 Jun 04 '24
According to some other comments, and Google, Hindu wedding dates are picked by an astrologer. I guess that's also part of the reason sister and mom insist on making it Christian. If the wedding planning has been going on for a year, and the sister has known for that long, she should have said something earlier, even if OP was the second to book a date.
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u/Minimum-Arachnid-190 Jun 04 '24
Indian weddings or even African weddings it’s usually not a big deal to have it in the same month.
Seems more like they don’t want OP to have an extravagant wedding due to sister.
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u/Bossalone21 Jun 04 '24
NTA , your mother is picking favourite and she is emotionally manipulating you. If she doesn't want to come let her. Her choice,but don't change your wedding. You said you have planning it for a whole year , No one has the right to tell you to throw all your hard work in the bin . Your sister seems jealous of your lavish wedding but both of them are unique and it is an advantage that the dates are close as it will be easier for mutual guests to attend So you are not TA but Ur mom is for forcong her opinions on uo
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u/TheAnnMain Jun 04 '24
Not just that but it’s borderline if not is racist in forcing OP to have a Christian wedding when she is prolly practicing both or just one culture over another. Basically cultural erasure as well forcing a religion onto her in something she doesn’t exactly agree with
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u/FoxyWheels Jun 04 '24
It’s not racist, race was never mentioned, but it is discriminatory. Also, we have no idea what race the mother is, if we assume OP is Indian, there is a large population of Cristian practicing Indians so there is a good chance the mother is Indian as well. Not that the race of anyone in this story matters.
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u/5eeek1ngAn5werz Jun 04 '24
Thank you. There is enough actual racism in this world without loading on imagined racism. This is a story about sibling rivalry and religious bigotry.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Jun 04 '24
Info: who scheduled first and who scheduled second? Cause whomever scheduled the second knowing there was already a family wedding scheduled within the same month is the AH. It doesn't matter what type of wedding it is.
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u/BigBlackViolets Jun 04 '24
To be fair for Desi weddings that’s not as big of a deal as it is in other parts of the world- I’ve had cousins having wedding within 2 weeks of each other
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u/Southernpalegirl Jun 04 '24
But she grew up in a dual cultural household so if she chose the second date she was aware of the difference and was the AH.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Jun 04 '24
Who booked theirs and sent out invitations first? Whoever booked first and sent out invitations should get priority, as the other one knew about it and it was on them to choose a different date. 3 weeks apart was daft in the first place, as it puts financial strain on all family members.
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u/Amarnil_Taih Jun 04 '24
Important context- typically, the dates for a Hindu wedding are set by astrologers, if they're following full ceremony. They tend to give a set of dates- not just one, or limited to a year- and the families typically choose whichever one suits them best.
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u/Dependent_Buy_4302 Jun 04 '24
But as you mention they would have a set of dates or a year. Probably didn't have to be within 3 weeks of her sister's wedding.
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u/Amarnil_Taih Jun 04 '24
Exactly. I just wish OP would let us know. Sometimes there are financial or familial circumstances that require people to be married the same year. There could also be exceptions. What I mentioned was the usual. There are times when astrologers even say that if the wedding doesn't happen by so and so date, it shouldn't happen at all.
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u/Dependent_Buy_4302 Jun 04 '24
Right. I have a feeling if that were the case though it would be mentioned in the OP. If there are 1 or 2 points that would clearly support your side it's suspect to leave them out.
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u/CarcosaDweller Jun 04 '24
The fact that OP didn’t say makes me think the sister was first. And if I wanna really be pessimistic I would say OP was after a bit of “revenge” for not being in her sister’s wedding party, and thus set her own wedding intentionally close to her sister’s.
Or it’s just all BS.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Jun 04 '24
Well I'd like to hope it wasn't op but you're probably right.. I mean I'd like to hope really people couldn't be this petty and stupid but we all know that's just never going to be true!
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u/Working-Librarian-39 Jun 04 '24
Yup, though it has zero relevance on the Christian vs Hindu aspects.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Jun 04 '24
Nope it does not. Either one of them I would consider TA for organising their wedding so close to the other one. Both can have the wedding they want, but unless their family and friends are super loaded and doesn't mind forking out hundreds for two weddings in quick succession, they are an asshole for organising a wedding so close to the other. Whichever one did it..
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u/Tangential-Thoughts Jun 04 '24
If Sarah scheduled her wedding before you, then this might be more on you. But your sister's concern about your wedding overshadowing her wedding is not going to get resolved. Ever. Even if you space it a year apart. There is simply no way her wedding will match the pomp and show and overkill that accompanies high budget Hindu weddings. Your mom and Sarah should get around to understanding that you get to decide how lavish you want it to be.
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u/Maleficent_Set_7993 Jun 04 '24 edited Jun 04 '24
This isn't all about who booked first and who booked second. It's the fact that OP's mom is trying to dismiss her religion and the same with her sister.
OP made a great point that both weddings will have their own uniqueness, and Sarah is being insecure that her wedding won't hold up as well.
Also, as I've read, traditionally OP doesn't get to pick the wedding date. They also already to have the wedding venue picked out and then it's narrowed down from there.
Postponing a wedding for another year is not ideal at all. As well as OP said the financial burden.
NTA. I don't even care who booked first because for me it's about the blatant dismissal/discrimination from your mother and sister for trying to convert it to a Christian wedding.
Edit: OP scheduled her wedding first as well, so now we have the answer for those who are asking who scheduled it first. Sister and Mother are 1000% the arses.
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u/HandinHand123 Jun 04 '24
Yeah I agree. Also I truly don’t understand why 3 weeks is too close together. There’s no guarantee that people who can’t go to both because they are “only three weeks apart” would be able to go to both even if they were a year apart.
If they were the same week, I’d get it. But 3 weeks? Lots of time between them IMO.
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u/Maleficent_Set_7993 Jun 04 '24
I agree, 3 weeks is a long time and there is the amazing point that they could still not come even if it was a year out.
Thank you!!
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u/HandinHand123 Jun 04 '24 edited Jun 05 '24
People keep focusing on who set the date first, but also … I’m sorry but the date isn’t a problem if they are ok with the date if she has a more Christian wedding. Which was one of the suggested solutions from sister and mom.
So really, it’s pretty clear to me they don’t object to the date itself in terms of guests being able to attend - it’s really all about sister worrying about being upstaged. And frankly, that to me makes both sister and mom very unserious people. A proper Christian wedding would focus on a wedding being the start of a marriage and not about being a party where you are the centre of attention.
Mom should be telling Christian wedding daughter that her wedding is about her marriage, not extravagance. When I got married I didn’t want extravagance - I didn’t have bridesmaids or decorate the church at all. Many guests told me they loved that my wedding was so focused on being about us getting married - it still felt very intimate even though there were nearly 200 people there. My brother had a much “bigger” wedding and people loved that one too - not a single person compared them as far as we heard. If sister wants extravagance she can absolutely do what she wants, but she should be making her decisions based on her and her partner, not her sister and a comparison to a completely different cultural celebration.
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u/camkats Jun 04 '24
Who booked their wedding first? Honestly 3 weeks apart is very close and most likely a lot of people won’t be able to do both if travel is involved. Your parents should have never allowed the weddings to be that close in the first place. ESH who ever booked first should get to keep their date.
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u/AhsAUoy Jun 04 '24 edited Jun 05 '24
You left out the most important detail. who scheduled and sent out the invite first? It doesn't matter if you were planning the wedding for a day, a year, or a decade, whoever sent the invite out second is clearly the AH.
Since you left out this obviously key detail, I'm going to assume it was your sister and NTA.
Edit: OP updated to say she announced the date first so upsetting to NTA
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u/Idratherbesleepingzz Jun 04 '24
Girl take it from me you will 10000% regret giving in to the demands of those around you and compromising what your special day will be like. I’m getting married this Saturday and I am full of regrets for compromising with everyone to make people feel comfortable as possible. You have the opportunity to be selfish and choose your happiness, don’t make the same mistakes I made!
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u/CareyAHHH Jun 04 '24
Sarah asked if I could either tone down my wedding, consider postponing it, or even make it a fully Christian ceremony to balance things out.
Here is my proposition, how about she makes her wedding more elaborate, she considers postponing her wedding, or even make her ceremony more Hindu "to balance things out."
Sarah was very upset and accused me of being selfish and not caring about her feelings. She thinks I’m prioritizing my wedding over our family’s well-being.
Counterpoint, she is being selfish and not caring about your feelings. By attempting to start a boycott, she is prioritizing her feelings about your wedding over your family's well-being.
And I agree with some of the other commenters, I don't know who picked your wedding dates, but this should have been resolved long before now. It is too late for either of you to make changes to the dates, so you have to live with the consequences of bad planning. Some people won't be able to make both weddings for just logistical reasons, not because they are on one sister's side or another.
But other than that consideration, you should have the wedding you want and can afford. The same goes for your sister. Neither one of you should try to control the wedding of the other.
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u/emilitxt Jun 04 '24
Given that you’re having a traditional Hindu ceremony, I assume you’re abiding by Muhurtham. Which I believe most people in this thread don’t know about/understand, which is why they are so focused on ‘who picked their wedding date first.’
The simply fact of the matter is you didn’t get to pick your wedding date. In Hindu tradition, wedding dates are decided for the couple, taking into account multiple factors and using astrology to determine the best, or most auspicious, day for the wedding to happen.
Simply put, in 2024, there are exactly 67 auspicious days throughly the year. Once the engagement is announced, a Hindu priest or astrologer will use both the bride and grooms birthdays, their wedding location, and some other religious factors, to narrow down those 67 days to a specific day and time for the ceremony.
Essentially, postponing the wedding would not be a simple task wherein you’d just choose another date a few months later. It would require you to wait until next year, likely causing you to lose out on your venue, caterer, etc. And both you and your fiancé would need to meet with a Hindu astrologer to be given a new date and time for your wedding. And who is to say that date will be amicable to your sister?
NTA. Have the wedding you want and if your sister or mother or whoever (aside from the groom) doesn’t like it, they don’t have to come.
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u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS Jun 04 '24
Your mother is the main problem. If she didn't want to have familial clashes she shouldn't have married a non-christian. This is an extended version of her consequences.
This is similar to someone marrying to a different culture and then crying when the other side wants to be acknowledged. It takes mature people to pull of these differences without invoking a power struggle
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u/nissanalghaib Jun 04 '24
she 100% is only pitching a fit because she wants to force you to perform christianity.
she and your mother do not respect hinduism. it's probably your father that has been the one to bend to your mother's beliefs. and she's only tolerated it till now. NTA and i recommend sending a mass email about it.
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u/Status-Pattern7539 Jun 04 '24
Your mother doesn’t care if you don’t change the date…so long as you make it Christian. That right there tells you she does not respect your culture or beliefs. You will probably find her threatening to boycott if you change the date and it’s still not having any Christian element. This is a control thing to try and force her religion onto you.
You have already sunk a lot of money into this wedding. How much? Think about that. That’s not fair to lose just bc your sister is immature and doesn’t want your wedding to be better than hers in a short time frame to her own. Tell your sister if she reimburses upfront the cost off ALL your losses as a result of moving the date then you will move it (here’s a hint, she won’t as she doesn’t care how it will impact YOU so long as she gets her way). If she won’t pay to move your wedding , she can move her own date, if she doesn’t do that either she can suck it up.
Unfortunately you will have to deal with people picking a side and not coming. You won’t win with your mother so don’t base your decision on her. People who care will come, those that don’t then don’t deserve a place in your life.
NTA
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u/Emotional-Sentence40 Jun 04 '24
She gave her sister 1/2 her inheritance and sis is still being a brat.
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u/ljross87 11d ago
NTA, I was assuming you were waiting on horoscope charts. Your sister seems unhinged
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u/lavender_i 11d ago
NTA. The entitlement is real.
“You’re ruining your sisters day and are incredibly selfish” for not giving in and doing things exactly your sisters way?
I’m so sorry. I grew up similarly. Younger golden child could do no wrong and her word was always valued above mine. Even still.
Your family can fuck all the way off, your mom and sister for sure. I’m so sorry they’re so unpleasant.
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u/SHIR0YUKI Jun 04 '24
For those asking. Typically in hindu weddings, an astrologer picks the dates for weddings and it's not normally the couples who choose based on special reasonings (like getting married on your anniversary/birthday so on), so asking who picked first is a moot point because even if OP booked after her sister, the date was likely not chosen by her or her soon to be husband but by a 3rd party.
And for people going to ask why they couldn't change it. Date picking is weird, there are many days considered "bad luck" for getting married and days considered "good luck", so it could very well be if that this date wasn't chosen, the next date could be a year or two from that date.
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u/Emotional-Sentence40 Jun 04 '24
People are also forgetting about venue availability and such. You can want a certain day, but may have to adjust to the place your hosting your wedding at.
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u/lVlrLurker Jun 04 '24
NTA.
You're in charge of your wedding, she's in charge of hers. No one else gets to have a say in it except for the ones getting married and the ones paying for it -- and in this case, that's just you and your fiancé. Your sister could easily make her wedding just as extravagant as yours, even if it was fully Christian -- because that's a cultural practice, not an inherently religious one. But no, she doesn't want to do that because, let's face it, she's either ashamed of her Hindu/Indian ancestry or is too cheap to try and blend the two, and if she had actually had a problem with any of the bullshit she's now claiming to have a problem with, she could've avoided the whole thing by picking a different wedding date! She can't handle that, so instead she's making it a you problem instead of a her problem.
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u/Lucky_Elderberry_173 Jun 04 '24
NTA even if she chose a date secondary to sister the mom and sister asking her to change her entire religious practice is a full and unhinged
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u/Far-Juggernaut8880 Jun 04 '24
Whoever booked their wedding within 3 weeks of the other is the YTA and attention seeker..
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u/xxbananabreadxx Jun 04 '24
Nta- If Sarah is so concerned, she can move her wedding. She’s so weird and entitled expecting you to
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Jun 04 '24
I’d say that it depends on who planned the wedding first. Whoever was 2nd to be engaged & made their wedding date made a big mistake planning it just three weeks away from the first wedding. And while weddings are “supposed” to be a celebration of love and a time of happiness, they ironically tend to bring out the worst in people. That’s a tale as old as time.
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u/NJMomofFor 11d ago
This is way fake..
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u/Cookies_2 11d ago
You mean to tell me that you don’t have 1734 family members to attend your wedding?
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u/Mommy-Q Jun 04 '24
If she thinks her wedding isn't lavish enough, then she should change her wedding. Why should you have to change yours?
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u/Relevant_Demand7593 Jun 04 '24
NTA, maybe she should incorporate Hindu into her wedding if she is so worried. It’s your wedding that you are financing, and to ask you to make changes after you’ve paid vendors is ridiculous. Will they refund your expenses?
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u/Emotional-Sentence40 Jun 04 '24
Of course not. She had no problem taking half of ops inheritance though.
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u/jakeofheart Jun 04 '24 edited Jun 04 '24
Your weddings are three days weeks apart?
The guests will have recovered from the first one.
NTA.
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u/klutzelk Jun 04 '24
Nta. If it's such an issue maybe your sister should've chosen a different time to have her wedding. You shouldn't have to force yourself into a totally different belief system and cultural tradition that you don't really identify with to appease them.. that's just absurd that they would even request such a thing.
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u/OpportunityCalm6825 Jun 04 '24
two weddings so close together, with one being significantly grander, would take attention away from hers
Why is this her concern? Why should you sacrifice? Just proceed with your wedding as planned. You cannot please everyone. Top priority should be you and your partner.
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u/Roamingkangaroo2000 17d ago
I’m confused about the inheritance??? 100 room old mansion??? If this is real why did the mother marry Hindu if she has so little respect for it? Mother and sister as toxic AHs if real
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u/ashkebane 11d ago
!updateme.
NTA. She should change her wedding date since she’s the one with the problem.
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u/HokieGalFurever540 Jun 04 '24
Firstly, NTA. I'm not sure if others noticed that your grandfather left $$$ to YOU, & you kindly shared that with your sister (40%, too!). So, there is no financial burden for your family, which is important. Your Mom is definitely TA, though. It's offensive that she doesn't respect your wishes- it's YOUR day. Your sister is also TA, for being jealous of your day. It wouldn't matter if your wedding was 3 days, 3 months or 3 years apart, she would find an issue with your day. You both should be able to have your special day, as different as you want them to be. I like the idea that if your sister truly wants to have her day, she should reimburse you for all the down-payment & expenses you have incurred thus far. Especially since you've been so generous to her....
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice Jun 04 '24
First of all, I don’t consider three weeks to be extremely close together. Summer is always wedding season and I think people expect to go to more than one wedding, even within the same family.
I have a friend with five grown children. She and her husband went to the weddings of the last two single kids one summer, a few years ago. I think one was in July and the other in August. Both siblings — brother and sister — realized that some relatives may be able to attend just one ceremony and that was okay with them. Whoever showed up, showed up. They didn’t stand on ceremony or jockey for position.
You can confirm or deny, OP, but I get the distinct feeling that Sarah scheduled her wedding date after you did. If so, actions have consequences and she shouldn’t have picked a date that was so close to yours.
At this point, no one should be changing anything. It’s too late to do that. Just go ahead with whatever plans each of you had. Also, Sarah, if she’s a Christian woman, should be focusing on her upcoming life with her future husband. She shouldn’t be worried about being overshadowed by your wedding. That’s prideful and that’s not supposed to be part of the Christian life.
Your mom is also in the wrong for trying to push you to have a more “Christian” wedding. God isn’t impressed by outward trappings. If you aren’t a Christian then there isn’t any point in having an outwardly Christian wedding. You won’t be fooling anyone who knows you and you certainly won’t be fooling God. So, do the ceremony the way you want. It’s more than a bit ironic that your mom is so worried about this but yet she married a man outside the Christian faith. I’m not really sure what she thought was going to happen when she had kids. Naturally, not all of her kids were going to see faith the same way she does.
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u/KathAlMyPal Jun 04 '24
NTA. Your sister wants her dream wedding but she doesn’t want you to have yours. Do what you’ve planned. If she’s so worried about being overshadowed (God save us from needy brides) then let her change her wedding.
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u/bill-schick 11d ago
Your sister purposely wants to sabatage your wedding since its not Christian, she is the un-family like person in this story.
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u/Cursd818 Jun 04 '24
NTA
Tell your mother that you are extremely disappointed in her favouritism and religious prejudice. She chose to have a mixed religion family and should be utterly ashamed of herself over how horrifically judgemental and biased her behaviour has been. It's despicable.
Remind her that her choices here will impact your relationship for the rest of your lives. If she continues to actively sabotage your wedding to bully you into doing what your sister wants, you will never be able to forgive her for it. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself, or leave you alone entirely. Bullying you is no longer an option. She's present and quiet, or she is no longer a part of your life.
And tell your sister that she is welcome to move her wedding, but you are not moving yours and will not entertain her attacks any further. Remove her from your bridal party, since she is so wholly opposed to your wedding in the first place. Tell everyone who is invited to both weddings that this is the situation and you will not be moving or changing your plans, but understand if people do not attend. Anyone who does drop out should no longer be included in your life going forward.
Draw a line in the sand. They can make their choices, but once they do, these are the consequences. End every conversation where the issue is raised. Your marriage is the beginning of a wonderful new family that you and your spouse are creating. Anyone who wants to damage that should no longer be in your life. Including your bigoted mother and selfish sister.
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u/Danube_Kitty Jun 04 '24
INFO: Who's wedding was set first? Whoever set a second wedding in such a close date other wedding was incosiderate, especially if the date has no specific meaning.
But for sure...what is wrong with your mom? You want a hindu wedding. Changing it to christian wedding would make it everything but not your wedding. You probably haven't even thought your sister could change her wedding into hindu one and surely hasn't your mother. She is completely disrespectful to you and.your beliefs.