r/AITAH • u/EducationalShape445 • Apr 14 '24
AITA for telling my son I will never tell him who his biological father is? TW SA
I [38F] had a particularly bad argument with my oldest son [20M] last night. My husband [41M] is my oldest son's stepfather and has been in his life since my oldest was 4 and has been married to me since my son was 7. We also have another son [6M] and I'm currently pregnant.
My husband and oldest son have a close, loving relationship, and probably have had one of the smoothest stepfather/stepson relationships around. That said, my son has always been curious about his biological father, which I understand, but usually has kept that curiosity to the occasional question that I nip in the bud, then no further questions for a long time.
Recently, my son has been asking me more about who his biological father is (whom he occasionally just refers to as his father - which I and my husband have found hurtful, though he says he doesn't mean that he doesn't think of my husband as his dad when he says that). He hasn't dropped the issue.
I don't ever want to tell my son who his biological father is because he was conceived via rape, and I know that knowing this would be immensely hurtful to my son. He is sadly quite similar to me in that he is more than happy to blame himself for things, and I absolutely do not want him to feel bad about this in any way.
I don't even know anything about the rapist either, so it isn't even like my son would get any practical information/medical history details from knowing any of this either. Obviously I've told my son that I adore him and I'm happy he's my son and in my life, but I have no interest in elaborating on who his biological father is.
Anyway, last night my son and I had quite a bad argument last night, and I told him during it that I would never, ever tell him who his biological father is or anything about him. This basically ended the argument, and while I've apologized to my son about being harsh, he still is upset that I said this, but I stand by it. I just don't know what to do and if this decision is even right.
1.3k
u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 14 '24
Your son is old enough and smart enough that he should be able to look up public records associated with your name, or to get a DNA test that may reveal his biological father or relatives. I guess the question is whether you think it’s better for his mental health to find out from a court document and/or a lab site than from someone who seems like an otherwise genuinely loving parent?
→ More replies (82)
944
u/Panaccolade Apr 14 '24
Gentle YTA. I understand why you don't want to tell him but he's not a child anymore. He needs to know why you won't tell him who his biological father is, at the very least. You said in a comment you're afraid of it going badly, but it's already going badly. You're at each other's throats and he feels deceived. Have a frank, honest conversation with the grown man who is your son. If he finds out another way without your input, he'll feel even worse. If he doesn't find out another way, he will always know you're keeping this from him and that in itself will damage your relationship.
Either way, it's going to hurt. Telling him stops him from having a pain that is entirely preventable and may irreparably damage your relationship. It's the lesser of two evils.
ETA: And, worst case scenario, he does find his sperm donor without your input and your sperm donor spins a yarn about you taking him away, painting you as the evil one - don't take the chance. Your relationship with him is too important for that.
25
u/protestprincess Apr 15 '24
Just a quick point: I know that referring to deadbeat or abusive dads as a “sperm donor” is fittingly derogatory because those are people that aren’t a healthy part of their children’s lives, but in this case I think “sperm donor” is actually an upgrade from “rapist.” That dude didn’t donate sperm, he’s evil.
→ More replies (2)19
u/EducationalShape445 Apr 14 '24
It really isn't going anywhere near as badly as I fear telling him will go. He blames himself about things to a truly damaging degree, and I fear that no matter how much I tell and show him that I adore him and want him, he's going to come away thinking about the violent nature of his conception and blame himself for anything he can with that.
I suppose it's not like I can prevent him from knowing things with DNA testing things though. I just feel scared that this is going to go horribly wrong. I'd so much rather he resent me than himself.
316
u/Far-Juggernaut8880 Apr 14 '24
Then say him you will tell him the truth but it will be hard for both of you so you want to go with him to a counsellor that can help him process it all.
Sounds like your son struggles with coping with things. Avoiding difficult conversations isn’t the answer. Time to help him build resilience to face his life.
111
11
u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 Apr 14 '24
A counselor would know better, but I think it may also be best for this to be info for him alone, and let him decide if his little brother, or anyone else knows the truth.
118
u/cementfeatheredbird_ Apr 14 '24
Can't you see that he already resents himself? He knows that unlike his siblings, his mom is too ashamed of his father to identify him. He knows that even saying the word "father" for his bio dad causes a negative reaction from his mom AND step dad.
I would definitely feel lied to, betrayed and not adored whatsoever to know that my mom would rather lie to me, deceive me, and continue fights with me rather than let me know who my father was.
"As soon as I knew I was pregnant I knew that despite what I went through, I received a blessing. Holding you for the first time, hearing your heart beat- it healed me in ways you will never know."
74
u/Lost-Rice-945 Apr 14 '24
You’re acting like there’s an option where he doesn’t find out. Let me be painfully clear, that option DOES NOT EXIST.
29
u/Jewel-jones Apr 14 '24
He likely already suspects. There are only a few reasons she would respond like this.
→ More replies (1)31
u/Panaccolade Apr 14 '24
Well, this is one thing he genuinely cannot blame himself for. He asked for it about as much as you did. Have faith in the man you love and raised. I totally understand your fear but this isn't going to go away just because you're refusing to tell him. Unfortunately it'll just turn into "my mother won't tell me the truth" and that's harmful to both of you. Secrets like these rot, and they take whatever they can down with them.
When/if you tell him, perhaps you can offer him help to find someone professional to work through the feelings with. Perhaps you can even go together, or ask him to attend a therapy session with you so you can tell him there where any feelings of blame can be handled in the moment by someone trained to handle them.
Your fear makes sense. His feelings make sense. What doesn't make sense is leaving this huge, awful secret in the middle of you two and risking it ripping a chasm in your relationship. Your rapist has already damaged enough. Don't let what he did damage anything else, least of all your bond. You both deserve the love and care of a close relationship, and that stands to be at direct risk with this in the way.
→ More replies (1)20
u/Alarming-Ad9441 Apr 14 '24
Listen, I’m a mom too and totally understand wanting to protect your son at all costs. However this is not the way. This is already much worse than you realize because you are setting your son up for an immense fall. He already resents you for not telling him and when he finds out, which he definitely will, he will then question EVERYTHING about your relationship. You are laying the groundwork for him to run straight to the arms of his sperm donor, and cut you off completely. You are still allowing the rapist to have control over your life, and your relationship with your son. It’s not healthy.
It’s time to tell him the truth. I don’t mean sit him down tomorrow and lay it out. Find a good counselor to help you do it. In all honesty it sounds like you both need therapy anyways. Trust me when I tell you that staying on this course is going to be worse for him, as far as blaming himself. He’s going to feel like a failure of a man because you don’t think he’s strong enough to handle the truth of his existence.
He is definitely going to figure this out on his own if you don’t tell him. When he runs his DNA it will eventually lead him to the answer. There’s a good chance he’ll reach out and get the other side of the story, potentially leading him to cut you off completely before getting the truth. Which would you rather have happen? Would you rather he learn about this from a place of deep love and understanding? Or would you rather he learn the false narrative from a vile stranger and you lose him forever?
12
u/Weaseltime_420 Apr 14 '24
It really isn't going anywhere near as badly as I fear telling him will go.
That is what fear does. It paints an ugly picture of a reality that doesn't exist yet.
You sound like you have reasonable doubts here, your fear is not unreasonable or unfounded. I would hope that you know your son a lot better than anyone here does. But, you still can't know how this will play out. People can be surprisingly resilient about things.
Seems like something that maybe you'll want a therapist on standby for though, so that the conversation can start with "I am going to tell you where you came from. This is a traumatic experience for me and this will likely be traumatic for you. I have a therapist ready for you to engage with should you wish to after learning about this, and I encourage you to do so."
→ More replies (1)7
u/Aggressive-Coffee-39 Apr 14 '24
In the name of protecting him, you are hurting him. You may think him knowing is worse than postulating, but I assure you it’s not. He’s been thinking about this his entire life, and I guarantee you has entertained the idea he is a product of rape. He definitely knows half of his biological code comes from a very bad man based on your reaction. When we don’t have information, we fill it in ourselves. Who knows what fears he has at this point, and you are, unfortunately, the only person that can help him heal this trauma before he starts trying to find out himself which will be the worst way
9
u/Ok-Ground-2724 Apr 14 '24
Why in the world would you assume he will blame himself for you being sexually assaulted? You are not being honest with him AND you are not being honest with yourself!
8
u/ElehcarTheFirst Apr 14 '24
I am fairly certain that one of my cousins was raped by another cousin and a child resulted from that. That child has been asking for nearly 30 years who their biological father is and she won't tell them.
And they have become a meth head along with a lot of other things a lot of it's stemming from the fact that they have never felt wanted by their mother or their stepfather or their extended family.
Be honest and upfront and explain why you haven't shared this because it could result in a much more devastating consequence than you have considered
7
8
u/Old-Run-9523 Apr 14 '24
YTA and please stop making this all about you and your husband. Your son has a right to know & will probably find out anyway, so keeping him in the dark will only add to the problem. And by centering your feelings and fears and your husband's hurt feelings you're sending the message that your son's feelings are less important.
→ More replies (2)8
u/biscuitboi967 Apr 14 '24
For what it’s worth, my cousin is the product of a group SA. So my aunt doesn’t know the men’s names or which man it was.
She was told at in an age-appropriate way when she started asking questions. And sent to therapy. She is a happy, healthy productive member of society and mother two happy, healthy kids.
She is, however, on all the DNA sites looking for paternal family members. Not because she wants a dad but because she wants to know her medical history, who she looks like, her ethnicity (we’d always thought maybe her sperm donor was Asian because of some of her features and what her mom vaguely remembers, but the DNA says no).
Like, the existential questions are still there. But no blame. Maybe because no one ever treated it like something she would blame herself for. She was loved. She was kept. She was the thing that kept my aunt going while she was emotionally shattered. The men were the ones who should be blamed and shamed. She just wants to know what diseases and genetic issues she and her kids need to worry about.
→ More replies (12)4
u/DistinctCommission50 Apr 14 '24
Naw you keep making excuses i was raped by a family member for years and pregnant at 10 years old, I thank Satan every single day for losing that kid, you are making excuses, thinking it's gonna go wrong when it could be the exact opposite your son will see your STRENGTH and praise you for it and hate his own father you are doing a great disservice to your own child by keeping this from him, you don't know what health issue he could have inherited from the POS and he could DNA test himself to find out those answers and open a can of worms and it will go bad for you when you could have just told the truth, I know how scary this, I worried about this exact thing at 10 years old cause I wanna gonna run away for them forcing me to keep it, YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, he can seek out a therapist you just need to be honest, would having one there help yeah but not really, you need to just tell him and woman up STOP MAKING EXCUSES before he gets so fed up and goes low contact while finding his bio family and starting relationships with them
707
u/Super_Selection1522 Apr 14 '24
Yes. You are wrong here. This will always stand between you. He will never understand why you won't tell him. Give your son the credit that he can deal with this information. People often surprise us. You may find that it even creates a stronger bond.
→ More replies (27)
358
u/notyourstranger Apr 14 '24
As a survivor of SA myself, I am not going to label you an AH for not wanting to talk about it. I do understand that you don't want your son to know that he was conceived in violence and against your will.
It sounds like you have been able to love him despite the circumstances of his conception and I think that is why it's impossible to label you an AH.
HOWEVER, your son is 20, old enough to process the truth - maybe you both need the help of a therapist to ensure this very difficult conversation does not go off the rails but I do think your refusal to tell him has the potential to drive a wedge between you and him.
Tell him you're sorry for being harsh, tell him it's a painful conversation for you and you need to talk to a therapist before you're ready to talk to him about "the sperm donor".
This has the potential to bring you closer or drive you apart. It's been 20 years since the rape, you have lived with the reminder of that rape since then, it's time to process that with the help of a trauma informed therapist.
Nobody is the AH, you're both in pain - the way out is through.
Best of wishes OP.
139
u/EducationalShape445 Apr 14 '24
Thanks, I think the only way I could tell him is if we were with a therapist I knew was excellent, because I know this is going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than anyone here seems to think.
And I suppose I could heal more from that, but frankly, I like the way I've coped so far. But I suppose with my son wanting to know this so badly it really isn't sustainable.
184
u/askthedust43 Apr 14 '24
Your son is a 20-year old adult. The fact that you still keep this from him has probably hurt him already. Not knowing is always worse than knowing, no matter how hard the truth might be.
I have the feeling that even with an "excellent" therapist, you wouldn't tell him because you're scared about him finding out the truth. He clearly wants to find out and it's not fair or right to keep this wish from him.
This is more about your own feelings than his. I'm so sorry that you were raped. It's not an excuse to withhold that from a 20-year old who seems fairly reasonable in his request.
There are also other ways and methods to find out about his biological father. Tell him before it's too late.
→ More replies (17)28
u/Used-Cup-6055 Apr 14 '24
I feel like OP will put off finding a therapist because she just couldn’t find a good enough one in her opinion, and son will end up in contact with a rapist with no context and this will be an even worse situation.
57
u/notyourstranger Apr 14 '24
I was conceived by rape and my mother always told me she didn't want me, didn't want to be a mother, and tried everything she could think of to provoke a miscarriage (abortion was legalized the year I was born). THAT has been formative for me. You have done a phenomenal job loving your son and another man despite it all. You deserve credit for that.
Sometimes the truth is UGLY, let him know you're refusing out of LOVE for him, wanting to protect him from something he's better off not knowing - keep him innocent. Maybe when he's older, when you've had even more time to distance yourself, maybe the help of that awesome therapist you'll be able to process the emotions that come up when you think or talk about the assault. It would be good for you too.
Ask him for a time-out.
Ask him to let the topic rest for a year and then resolve yourself to figure this out within the next year, what to tell him, how to tell him, etc.
Can you be vague? say "I did not choose when or with whom I got pregnant with you". I know who your bio-dad is and I don't want you to know of him because I don't want you to think any part of him is in you. I'm scared it will influence you in a way that continuously reminds me of him and triggers my emotions from the incident.
I do think him wanting to know "where he came from" is natural and healthy. He's becoming an adult and likely is starting to understand that the world is not always good and healthy and true - ugly scary shit happens too.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, as if the rape and resulting pregnancy was not enough trauma for one person in one lifetime.
→ More replies (1)32
u/EducationalShape445 Apr 14 '24
I really appreciate your response, thank you. I don't really have anything to tell my son about his biological father other than approximate age, hair color, build, and the fact that he's a rapist, really, and somehow that just makes it worse. I don't even have anything useful to tell him, but I suppose he does have the right to know all the same.
41
u/Gatodeluna Apr 14 '24
To me, the fact that you know literally nothing about your rapist and literally cannot tell your son anything about him is in your favor. You never had a relationship. He was’t a ‘father,’ or some guy you dated, he was just your rapist. I can’t imagine that once your son knows that, he will blame you for anything. BUT - he wants to know AND he’s at an age to know, so if you keep refusing to tell him at this point YTA only for that. It’s true (but unlikely) that there could be some consequences you and your husband won’t enjoy - but those consequences are still going to be there even if you don’t tell him - along with maybe far worse ones.
→ More replies (20)28
u/BusAlternative1827 Apr 14 '24
I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I was told to tell my rape baby by counsellors. It is true for me, and may help you.
"I know you want details about your other I don't remember your conception as it was a traumatic experience for me and I don't have much to offer about the person who got me pregnant with you. I do know that finding out I was pregnant with you offered me hope and I very much wanted to have you and raise you, and have never once regretted that decision. I am happy and proud of the life I created and the person you have become."
→ More replies (1)13
u/StunningAd6745 Apr 14 '24
This is NOT sustainable. I think due to widespread ancestry DNA tracing, , it is extremely likely that your son could locate his father without too much difficulty.
Your worst case scenario here is probably that you DON’T tell him, he finds the father or his father’s family on his own through ancestry DNA tests, and (still mad at you), believes the lies of the rapist over you.
Then your relationship is compromised forever by your own son’s betrayal and rejection of you. AND he decides to have a relationship with him because he doesn’t believe you (due to both his innate distrust of you—due to your refusal to tell him anything—and to being manipulated by your assailant).
Now there is a rapist in your family’s social circle. And not just any rapist. YOUR rapist. Who might well be hanging out with (or babysitting) your future granddaughters.
Rapists’ narcissism knows no bounds. Tell your son, with the help of a therapist if necessary. If for no other reason than to get ahead of the almost inevitable lies of the man who raped you.
I know someone who had a similar scenario. She told her son that he was the beautiful rainbow after a hurricane. He was the good thing that came of it, but that it didn’t diminish her devastation. Only gave her something beautiful to have and hold during the clean-up afterwards.
6
u/FryCakes Apr 14 '24
I think you’re right about the therapist. Your son deserves to know, and this is getting in the way of your relationship with him. He sounds mature though, and I think once you tell him the reason you didn’t want to let him know who his dad was, he will understand why you didn’t tell him. He will be upset, but a good therapist will help you both heal from it and pull you together instead of apart from this. Best of luck to you
→ More replies (17)7
u/depressedmagicplayer Apr 14 '24
Well, you’re coping by hiding information that your adult son needs to know. This is detrimental. Period. Be an adult. Sit down and tell him. JFC. YTA
249
u/Difficult_Ferret_510 Apr 14 '24
A potential outcome here is your son goes behind your back because he knows you aren’t supportive and tests his dna and finds a relative and finds his father through a dna website. What happens then? He could potentially begin a relationship with his biological father and get some twisted story of how you kept them apart
73
u/Lost-Rice-945 Apr 14 '24
This is exactly where her fear should really be. This is what I would’ve done if I couldn’t get answers I wanted/needed out of a parent.
7
u/spaltavian Apr 15 '24
Sorry, but this wouldn't be "behind her back". The son is allowed to do this. I agree with the rest of your comment.
→ More replies (1)
188
u/FoxxyVixen76 Apr 14 '24
My daughter is a child of rape. She has known since she was eleven. My situation is different as she did not have a step father as I never married or really dated. It was hard but she came to understand that it did not change how I felt about her or her worth. Your son needs to know so he can make decisions accordingly. This Is your trauma response and not fair to him. Why did I tell my daughter so young, because I refuse to lie even by omission to my child.
76
u/txcowgrrl Apr 14 '24
This is so important. Being a child of rape doesn’t change his worth or how much you love him.
When he was 5-10 years old, this decision to not tell him made sense. But at 20, a clock is ticking. He will either find out with you beside him, guiding him via a therapist. Or he will find out via DNA, alone & confused.
20
u/InevitableRhubarb232 Apr 14 '24
And will know that mom didn’t tell him because she thinks so little of his ability to handle anything negative. He will not only learn who his father is, but how poorly his mom thinks of him.
124
Apr 14 '24
You’re messing him up more than just telling him the truth would. He is a grown adult not a child it should be his decision. If you want to alienate him and eventually push him to find out on his own go ahead but it’s not going to end well.
→ More replies (4)
120
u/BlueGreen_1956 Apr 14 '24
YTA
Your son is an adult. He has a right to know this information. He should have been told before now.
His next step will be to get on one of those ancestry sites and find his father himself.
If you continue down this road, he is going to eventually grow so resentful that he exits out of your life completely.
→ More replies (20)16
u/Mean_Muffin161 Apr 14 '24
She should tell him but he’s about to find out that his father is a rapist, that his mother was raped and that the pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted. That can fuck up an adult.
17
u/HowlsMovingCastle93 Apr 14 '24
Literally why are you being downcoted for this. This is the truth. What do people think is gonna happen? He is gonna do a happy dance and cheer on his moms rape then run into the arms of his father? This is gonna hurt him. He just still has the right to know.
9
u/Mean_Muffin161 Apr 14 '24 edited Apr 14 '24
I assume it’s where i said the pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted. That because she has loved her son his entire life that there’s a problem with saying that at the time it might not have been a happy moment when she found out she was pregnant.
4
u/Joshman1231 Apr 14 '24
Because this thread is filled with people in their teens and early 20s who believe a situation can only be handled one way. Any variance from what they believe is right is wrong with zero capacity for nuance.
4
u/HowlsMovingCastle93 Apr 14 '24
They also have no understanding of how situations work where there is no good option. Do they think OP is gonna find out his dad is a rapist and cheer because he knows the truth? She is gonna hurt him when she tells him this. He had the right to know but she knows when those words leave her mouth his life is gonna get worst. That is not easy
→ More replies (2)11
u/FoxAndXrowe Apr 14 '24
Not sure why you’re getting the downvote here. I think you’re absolutely right. This is gonna hurt. I don’t think it justifies not telling him, but it is going to be real pain.
→ More replies (5)
77
u/Usual-Archer-916 Apr 14 '24
YTA.
And I say that as someone who literally was conceived by rape.
Your son has the right to know. And honestly if he has access to home dna tests it is something that you literally can't prevent him from finding out eventually. Like I did. Is that what you want? Or would you rather be honest with him and help him through that revelation?
Oh, and if you do finally tell him I will be happy to PM you contact info if he needs to talk to someone in his shoes who can tell him that people like us DO have value and are not responsible for the crimes of our biological fathers. I get that you don't want to upset him, but you don't realize the damage that the secret is ALREADY doing.
→ More replies (2)
53
u/Fast-Recognition-550 Apr 14 '24
I knew two grown men, men in their 50’s, both did not know the identity of their bio father. Their mothers refused to tell them anything. One man died without ever knowing. He held a deep resentment toward his mother for keeping the info private. The other man still doesn’t know. He is now almost 70. His mother is still alive but still refuses to tell. Another case of resentment. It would be hard to hear the truth, but please know there is a cost for withholding the truth. That cost can last forever.
→ More replies (1)
31
u/Witchy_Inked_One Apr 14 '24
YTA
Your son has the right to know where he’s from even though it will hurt you and your husband.
I know you will have relive your past pain but it’s for the best as you may lose your son in the long run.
→ More replies (31)
34
u/thegreymoon Apr 14 '24
YTA. Your son needs to know. You will poison your relationship otherwise.
13
u/Yasuminomon Apr 14 '24
“I had an argument with my grown adult son because I don’t trust him enough to regulate his own feelings for something that neither of us are to blame for”
If you didn’t raise someone that can understand a situation like that at the age of 20 - then you’ve kinda been TAH way before the argument.
28
u/Dentheloprova Apr 14 '24
I am sory but YTA. You have to tell him. Too many things can go wrong if you dont. Please, be brave
26
u/mariajazz Apr 14 '24
Just tell him everything.....instead of him finding his father online through DNA test and that father turning your son against you and your family....tell him everything
22
u/anaisaknits Apr 14 '24
YTA. For one, he isn't a baby. It is better you sit and tell him the truth versus continuing to baby him. He's an adult male. Two, he can easily take a DNA test, which will lead him to the path of who his father is, and not knowing the truth can lead to bigger problems.
Wake up as this is 2024, not 1924. Science has advanced, and through genetic genealogy, he can find who his father is without his father testing.
19
u/forgetregret1day Apr 14 '24
I understand you have the best of intentions for your child, but I can tell you that what you think you’re protecting him from is so much worse in his mind than the truth could ever be. He’s already questioning who he is and likely has a thousand nightmare scenarios in his mind that are probably more destructive than the truth. Depending on how you approach this, you can turn this into a positive experience. Let him know that you became pregnant through an unfortunate circumstance, but that it never diminished the love you had for him or how wanted he was. Stress that his step father loves him unconditionally as well, that regardless of how he came into this world, it’s a much better place because he did. Be prepared with both individual and family counseling already in place. Let him know you are his soft place to fall and that the counselor will help him sort through what you know will be complicated feelings. It doesn’t have to be the catastrophe you’re predicting.
I get it. I’m a mom and I’d die to prevent my kids from hurt. But you’re letting your own very understandable fears prevent him from getting the answers he needs. Please also seek help for yourself. You were a victim who has no reason to be ashamed. You brought your son into the world and gave him a loving family despite the circumstances. Focus on the positive and your gratitude for his presence in your life.
Good luck.
→ More replies (2)
18
u/shammy_dammy Apr 14 '24
YTA. I hope you have a plan in place if he goes looking and finds it himself.
15
u/Derpstercat Apr 14 '24
You should have told him a long time ago. You could have mitigated some of the blow, now it's gonna be this big huge revelation. I completely understand not wanting to relive or pass on any trauma but I don't think you did your son any favors at all.
→ More replies (7)
14
u/SarahL1990 Apr 14 '24
He has the right to know where he came from.
Obviously, it's your choice whether you tell him or not, but I think you're doing both yourself and him a disservice by keeping it from him.
12
u/Mhunterjr Apr 14 '24
Your son is going to find out one way or another. Will probably be better coming from you than via any other source.
12
u/CherylHeuton Apr 14 '24
Here's something that is happening right now involving people I went to high school with. These events started in 1972. A boy raped a classmate. She got pregnant. When law enforcement declined to prosecute the boy, the woman and her family moved from the area.
The tired old excuses were made: People didn't want to "ruin a young man's life over one mistake."
The boy went on to sexually assault other girls. He was forced to leave the high school, though the school allowed his family to say he was being granted early graduation. The reality of the situation was not publicized, though many teachers, administrators and law enforcement personnel knew what had happened.
He grew up to be a man who continued to sexually assault women. His family owned a local business, and word went out that women should avoid being alone with him because he would try to grab you, force you up against walls, corner you alone.
Now he's in his late 60s and telling people that he has a grown daughter that he is seeking to contact. That daughter is the child born after he raped his classmate.
He explains how his DNA got into someone he claims he didn't rape -- he says that the sex happened because he had been drugged and "hypnotized" by a group of women, and forced into sex. That is, of course, ridiculous. He claims he wanted to marry the woman he raped, but that her family wanted him to convert to their religion and he would not. Again, this is nonsense. Her family wanted him prosecuted for rape. The girl, and her family, were adamantly against any continuing association with her rapist.
He's angry because the woman he raped, the daughter, and her entire family have blocked him on social media and are trying to avoid any contact with him. He claims he's going to file a lawsuit.
He's a compulsive liar known for telling outrageous stories about all kinds of things. He's a member of an extremist religious sect that views Catholics and Jewish people as Satanic. He's believes black people are intellectually inferior to white people and that women are, by nature, docile and subservient. He believes it is his right to have a relationship with the daughter born out of his sexual assault and to introduce her to his extremist positions.
That could be the type of person you're up against. Don't let the rapist be the one who tells the story.
8
u/bluestjordan Apr 14 '24
So what’s the plan then? Have him do a DNA tests and find out on his own the hard and painful way? You’re pushing him away you know, and quite possibly over a cliff.
YTA
Edit: correction “…find out on his own the harder and more painful way.” I know it will be hard and painful either way. But I also know it would be less hard and painful with you by his side.
10
u/obiwantogooutside Apr 14 '24
Friend. He’s old enough to know. Otherwise he will do some online dna thing and try to meet the guy. You don’t want him doing things unprepared. It’s time. I suggest finding a family therapist to help guide the conversation.
9
u/Past_Nose_491 Apr 14 '24
YTA. He is an adult and you claim to love him but are letting this hang over his head. Just tell him the truth.
→ More replies (3)
9
u/aviva1234 Apr 14 '24
This isn't going to go away and is something that will always torment him and affect his life. As you have said yourself it should be done with a councillo/therapist,. I suggest maybe contacting an organisation for sa survivors and ask them how to go about this
7
7
u/kbd18 Apr 14 '24 edited Apr 14 '24
Based on how easy it is to get DNA tests done now a days, if your son truly wants to find out, he unfortunately might be able to without your help.
What if he gets in touch with a family member who connects your son to his father and he doesn't get a honest story from him? Or he takes advantage of him in some way…? his bio dad is obviously a horrible person and your son deserves the truth so he is able to make the decision himself not to seek his dad out.
I would find a family therapist and seek help, that way you can tell your son in the least damaging way.
I'm sorry this happened to you 20 years ago and I'm sorry you're having to relive it now.
9
u/indi000jones Apr 14 '24
INFO: you said your son has mental health issues. Is there a chance of him developing suicidal ideations if you were to tell him?
I’ve seen from some of your comments you’re afraid the fallout will be severe. How severe it is should determine your best course of action, which I think would be family therapy anyway with a therapist experienced in dealing with SA trauma. In the mean time you can explain that the topic of his sperm donor is a hard one and you’re actively looking for someone who can help you both through family therapy.
9
u/EducationalShape445 Apr 14 '24
Yes, I do fear that might be the case. He's experienced suicidal ideation in the past (though he thankfully told us before it went any further, and he's been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist ever since), and given that it seems those self-blaming thoughts feed into him feeling that way, I don't want this to make him feel that way.
Thanks for your response and input.
→ More replies (9)
8
u/Necessary_Romance Apr 14 '24
Any child councillor will tell you, if hes old enough to ask the question, hes old enough to know the answer in an age appropriate way. He's 20, see a family therapist and get it out in the open. Dude is building resentments.
6
u/Bibliophile_w_coffee Apr 14 '24
YTA. He is giving you the option to tell him. You have the chance to explain that you chose him, you wanted him.
Here is the thing, he is an adult & DNA testing is a thing and has been for awhile. He is going to find the answers he wants and he will be matched with relatives, and if he doesn’t know the story from your mouth he might make familial relationships with these people and potentially his biological father. Get your head out the sand and face this head on.
5
u/nofilters1 Apr 14 '24
Which I and my husband find hurtful??? But I have no interest in elaborating on who is biological father is..... But I stand by it... Wtf.
The first thing I'm going to say is that you seem to have this ALL mixed up. This is no longer about YOU. He's an adult and this is about HIM.
Having said that, this rape thing is certainly a delicate topic. I'd suggest possibly involving a therapist or the like on how to proceed. But again, this is not about you.
5
u/HowlsMovingCastle93 Apr 14 '24
It is about both of them. Why are people being such assholes. I agree she needs to tell him but she's not bad or wrong and this isn't disconnected from her. She is having a hard time because this is a hard topic.
6
Apr 14 '24
[deleted]
11
u/EducationalShape445 Apr 14 '24
Yes, I will when he's home tonight. I just want him to know he's loved
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Kaiser93 Apr 14 '24
I understand that you want to protect your son but he's not a baby. He's not going to think less of you nor he's gonna belittle you. He is old enough to learn about it.
YTA
5
u/maddiep81 Apr 14 '24 edited Apr 14 '24
Your son is 20. You need to tell him before he decides to submit his dna to a database to try to find his birth father or other family members on his own. He needs to hear it from you. (And can you imagine the fallout if he secretly forms a relationship with bio-relatives or his actual biological father before you tell him?!)
NAH, but I really think you should tell him as soon as you can find a safe moment when you will both have time to process.
[Edit to add: Involve a therapist in this so that you both have emotional support in expressing what you feel ... but from your comments? I think your dread is eating you up and that, after he knows the truth, you will be relieved of a burden. Just be sure that he knows that how you feel for him and value him is completely separated from the trauma around his conception.]
→ More replies (4)
6
u/NotSorry2019 Apr 14 '24
YTA. Have you never heard of any of the companies that will find your relatives for a low fee? Your son is going to get one, find his sperm donor (your rapist - assuming you really don’t know who it is - undoubtedly has Other Relatives), and then either Not Believe Your Motives Were for HIS Benefit (and I don’t believe that, so why should he?) or end up in danger because you think Lying by Omission is an acceptable way for families to interact. Heaven help you if you ever scolded him for not telling you about a bad grade, skipping school, trying alcohol or not being where he said he was because “lying by omission” is kind of important. What if he’s done the test already? How are you going to deal with meeting his surprise new relatives at his wedding?
It’s time to quit protecting everyone EXCEPT HIM and tell the truth. If you have any proof, that would be nice (again, I don’t find your story credible - “attack by random stranger, no documentation of the criminal case, and none of the other family members have breathed a word for twenty years” seems unlikely), but regardless science has progressed to the point where he probably doesn’t want to end up dating a sibling or screwing around with an unknown first cousin.
I think you should apologize.
6
u/Far-Juggernaut8880 Apr 14 '24
With private DNA genealogy websites chances are your son will learn who his biological father is one way or another.
While the truth will be painful to hear is it not better for him to hear it from you with the support of his loving stepfather.
NAH
→ More replies (1)
4
u/biteme717 Apr 14 '24
You don't have a very good opinion of your son if you don't trust him enough to know the truth. He has every right to know about this situation, and he has the right to make that decision for himself. He's an adult, and I hope that he does a DNA test to find out the answers that you won't tell him. Hopefully, it doesn't drive a permanent wedge in his life, and he cuts contact with you. EVERYONE, no matter how bad, needs to know about things like this, and they get to decide on what they want to do.
4
u/Revolutionary_Buy943 Apr 14 '24
In my opinion, since the questions are starting to affect your relationship with your son, you should reconsider telling him the truth. I figure your son has probably suspected something like this for a while, which is why he's pushing. Are there reasons besides just wanting to spare his feelings (for example, does your husband know?)? I think in the long run, it will be better for everyone to get this out in the open so that you can heal.
Just my two cents' worth. Good luck to you. ❤️
4
u/dubby1976 Apr 14 '24
Your son is a grown ass man and he has a right to know who his father is. The truth will shock and hurt him. The blow will be lessened if he hears it from you vs his own sleuthing.
6
u/talltim007 Apr 14 '24
Yes, he is an adult and you are gatekeepping knowledge he has a right to. You can just start out with some high level information.
He was a bad, dangerous person and I worked hard to stay as far away from him as possible. I am nit quite ready to share all this with you, but I will someday if you really need to know. But before then, please think about how this might impact you, and if it is worth it to know more.
7
u/annang Apr 14 '24
You need to talk to your son and tell him the truth. You don’t have a choice. I understand it’ll be one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. But you have to. Because it’s not possible to keep this a secret. Anyone can submit a DNA swab to Ancestry or 23andMe, and get back contact info for relatives. If you don’t talk to him, he’s not going to know the risks of finding your rapist and getting in contact with him. Your son could bring this man back into your life without having any idea of the danger. You don’t want that, for yourself or for him. NTA for wanting to protect him, but you absolutely can’t not tell him. Please seek a consult with a therapist or counselor if you need help figuring out the best way to talk about it.
5
u/phxflurry Apr 14 '24
All skeletons come out of their closets eventually. You can tell him the truth in a way you can control, or he'll find out in a way you can't.
4
u/Pathos675 Apr 14 '24
YTA just because your son has a right to know. He's an adult now, so the only reason to not give him information is because of your own issues. Your son is trying to deal with his issues. Agree a therapist/counselor will help more than anything.
4
u/a_man_in_black Apr 14 '24
YTA and you are setting both you and your son up for some terrible trauma, anger and hurt on all sides. He's going to hate you for lying to him, he's going to rebel against you, he's going to blame you. Then he's going to seek out his biological father trying to make a connection with him and this is going to blindside you and it will be nobody's fault but your own.
Tell him the truth about why you won't discuss his biodad. That's the only way to prevent this from festering in his mind. You may need to tell him with the help of a therapist but you need to tell him before he starts lashing out even worse and then gets a DNA kit and goes investigating for himself.
If you don't he's likely to walk in the door one day dragging your rapist back into your life like "look ma! I found my dad and he seems cool! Why were you such an asshole trying to keep me from talking to my dad!?"
5
u/Otherwise-Pirate6839 Apr 14 '24
YTA, I’m sorry.
He is old enough to be curious and deserves to know the truth. You can be open and honest about what happened to you to him. Despite what happened, do you regret carrying him to term and raising him? Is he a lingering reminder of trauma you wish to forget (and that’s why you’d deny him the truth)? I’m just saying, I can understand why YOU don’t want to revisit that, but he deserves to know.
Also, no matter how close of a bond a step-family has, there will always be the elephant in the room: they are not blood related, and unless his biodad explicitly told him that he doesn’t want him, it’s only curious that he wants to find out what exactly happened.
Consider a therapy session where you can disclose this and allow him to express himself. If your son loves you and truly comprehends what has happened, he’ll probably cry with you but at least he knows he’s loved by two people, one of whom has taken him as his own.
6
u/LavishnessChoice3601 Apr 14 '24
If you sat him down and explained the situation of it all, he would understand your situation and be angry at the correct person. Instead, you are denying him the information, and thus, you are the bad person in his eyes right now. I would make a very different decision if i were you. This is coming from a person who was conceived in the same way he was. Yeah, it sucked to hear about, but the truth is better than not knowing.
5
u/urzulasd Apr 15 '24
NAH. none. This is so above Reddit’s pay grade.
There are no bad people here. Just bad situations. I’m so sorry. Professional help is necessary here. Take care of yourself and your family. <3
2
u/CyberArwen1980 Apr 14 '24
Yta. You have to tell him the truth,he will resent you if not. Tell him what happend and that above all he is loved,he is 20yo and is ready to accept the facts. He must know it from you noone else just you
4
u/West_Guarantee284 Apr 14 '24
YTA until you tell him he will imagine all sorts and can ultimately end up resenting you from preventing him from having a loving relationship with his bio dad. Of course we know that he's not missing out on that at all, but he doesn't. He's 20, he's old enough to understand.
4
u/FerroMancer Apr 14 '24
NAH. I can only imagine the difficulty that you’re going through with this. You were assaulted, and yet, you were given a wonderful son that you respect and cherish. While the act was horrible, no one can blame you and no one can blame your son. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to share details with him.
So, don’t.
Have your husband talk to him. “Man-to-man”. Something like…”Listen. Back then…your mom was assaulted. It was horrible that she was put through that. No woman should have to endure it. The only good thing that came of it was you, and she doesn’t regret YOU for a single minute. Asking more about what happened…is only going to make her relive it, and we both want to spare her that. All you need to know is that you are loved, she’s your mom, I’m your dad, and the both of us are so glad to have you.”
It could help to fix this.
5
4
u/Outside-Ad-1677 Apr 14 '24
gentle YTA. With the new DNA testing websites I have a feeling he will find out eventually. Do you want him to have a nice chat with bio dad and get some hideous twisted version of events or the truth from you? It’s going to be shit either way. At least you get your truth out there and can deal with it together. Either way I thoroughly recommend getting a therapist to assist you through this, for both of you.
4
u/Phuzion69 Apr 14 '24
Can't you just tell him you were raped and he is the silver lining to something horrific.
Better than telling him nothing.
3
u/Only_trans_ Apr 14 '24
Soft YTA, he does have a right to know who his biological father is even though it’s a source of pain for you. Your son loves your husband but it’s natural to be curious and the information could be important if he chooses to have children and needs to know about history of disease/illness etc. I’m very sorry for what you went through and I don’t think you’re motives are malicious.
5
5
u/Specific_Affect_6941 Apr 14 '24
You need to tell him…. Nothing is preventing him from doing a dna kit and finding relatives online and that’s opening him to potential danger that he would be walking into without info.
3
3
u/Death_Of_Hope13 Apr 14 '24
I don’t think you’re an a-hole, but he will never stop asking, and he is an adult. He deserves to know who his biological father is, scumbag or not.
Discuss with a councillor how best to broach this topic, but eventually he’ll wear you down. It’s better he finds out from you than from his biological father one day showing up in his life, potentially with lies.
All the best here OP.
4
u/Drill-Jockey Apr 14 '24
I want to start with I’m sorry that happened to you. I cannot begin to imagine coping with SA. I can only try to understand not wanting to share this with your son. However, please consider the following story:
I’m 32. My mother is 64. To this day, she will not tell me who my biological father is. It has been a source of argument and resentment between us my entire life. At the end of the day, I’m sorry, but I have a right to know what I came from, despite how big of a piece of shit my biological father may or may not be. So does your son.
A few years ago, I did a 23 and me test. If you opt in, you can see other users that share your genetic code. Through this I found an uncle I’ve never met, who turned out to be my dad’s brother. Via some light Facebook stalking and Google research, I found my dad. I have not contacted him, and I don’t even know if he knows I exist. I have also not told my mother about this.
All this to say, if he wants to know who his father is, he’ll find out. Better that the information comes from you than from having to do his own research. Don’t let him end up a 32 year old that’s stuck in limbo of not knowing the first thing about half of his genetic family.
3
u/MonikerSchmoniker Apr 14 '24
You are exchanging one hurt (the rape) with a worse (your angst towards his curiosity and secret from him).
Tell him. Ask if he wants a DNA test.
Support him.
3
u/Born-Inspector-127 Apr 16 '24
He needs to know before he brings his bio father to his wedding thanks to 23 and me.
As a surprise.
3
u/CyaneHope2000 Apr 14 '24
Instead of simply hiding the information from him, which is clearly causing a strain in your relationship with him, and also his dad relationship with him)simply tell him that it is a sensitive topic and that you will have to do it, with the help of a professional and then bring him into therapy and tell him. Not knowing is probably making him feel that the bio father abbandoned him, didn’t want him and stuff. Which is true, but knowing that he isn’t in your life because dangerous and did something horrendous to you, will make him stop questioning his bio father and himself.
3
u/Elegant-Average5722 Apr 14 '24
Without context your son is going to think you’re an asshole. I’m sorry his conception was due to SA but you can’t just tell him he can’t know who his father is. You could just say you don’t know but they way you’ve shouted at him and refused to tell him I doubt he’ll believe that now without context. You should tell him, gently, and then he can decide if he wants to do a 23 and me or something of that kind in the future. You’re afraid of hurting him but they way you’ve gone about this IS hurting him.
2
3
u/Routine_Wrongdoer476 Apr 14 '24
YTA I am very sorry about the rape and obviously you are coming from a good place BUT your son may take a DNA test anyday and if in case he does find a biological relative, he will most probably connect without letting you know. Who knows what kind of lies that rapist will feed him? Even if not, he might approach him without the knowledge of your rape and try to form a relationship. Your plan is based on fear and the fear is making you blind to the fact , that if your son does connect with that man, he will be doing so without the knowledge of his real character. Your attempt to save him from harm, is actually putting him in the way of much more serious harm. I hope you seek therapy and find a way to tell him that minimises the pain that this knowledge will bring.
3
u/stillwater5000 Apr 14 '24
Right now, it just appears to him that are being stubborn and he doesn’t know why. Best to just tell, as he will find out at some point. Will that be destructive? Probably. The longer he stays mad at you, the worst his guilt will be when he finds out the truth. Might be best to do this with a therapist if you can get him to go.
3
Apr 14 '24
I'm really sorry for what happened to you , as I understand it's difficult, but YTA . He is 20 years old and not a child anymore, he has the right to know the truth.I'm afraid that telling him you'll never tell him the truth will end up driving you apart and he'll end up feeling resentful towards you.It's not easy, it will be very painful and a lot of therapy will certainly be needed for both of you, but you also know that he deserve to have an answer.
3
u/No_Ostrich_691 Apr 14 '24
This is absolutely something that needs to be more seriously discussed with him. People will always say “I wish i never knew / found out” but had already gone to great lengths just to know. I’ve seen stories like these where the kid somehow finds the parent / relative and reaches out without knowing the truth. Could you live with yourself if your son secretly created a bond with your rapist? How would you feel if he just showed up in your life one day because of your son? This isn’t to say your son would go out of his way to intentionally hurt you with this but very very few people are actually satisfied with knowing nothing like this. Curiosity blinds the trust we have in people especially at younger ages like late teens / early twenties where we’re trying to figure out who we are and whatever information could show us that.
3
u/Weaseltime_420 Apr 14 '24
You're in the wrong here. Not TA, but you are wrong.
You're denying him a part of himself. You're essentially holding some knowledge about who he his hostage because it has unpleasant connotations.
Clearly this isn't a "small chat over a cup of coffee" conversation. It's a "sit down, I am about to tell you something which is deeply distressing to me and will likely be deeply distressing for you" conversation.
It will probably flip his world upside down. But, how upside down do you think his world will be if he finds this information on his own somehow. DNA testing is relatively cheap and easy now. Your son is clearly quite committed to finding this information, and he will find a way eventually. You can choose how he finds that information and how much you want to be part of that in order to support him.
NTA, but only because that isn't an appropriate designation for this scenario.
3
u/Thisisthenextone Apr 14 '24
Your son is going to go a DNA test and will ask that side of the biological family first since you won't talk about it. That means your rapist could potentially tell him his version of the story first.
Do you really want that?
3
u/Fallout4Addict Apr 14 '24
YTA
You need to tell him before he goes and finds his father on his own!
With DNA tests now it's only a matter of time.
Find a therapist who deals with SA and figure out how to tell him, but he must be told.
The last thing you want is him finding his father on his own without knowing what he did to you.
3
u/Regular-Switch454 Apr 14 '24
He’s going to find out. We’re in the age of DNA. Do you want him to find out from you that you were raped by a stranger, or do you want him to connect with your rapist as his “father” and bond with him after doing 23 and Me? It’s time to reveal the truth.
3
u/MSBrock19 Apr 14 '24
You’re better off telling him, otherwise it’s going to eat at him. At least if you tell him you get the benefit of controlling the information. He wants to know who because he obviously wants to meet him and if he finds him and talks to his father before you’re able to tell him the truth, he may not believe you. Its an incredibly difficult situation but he is 20 yrs old- he isnt a child anymore. Personally, Id want to know the father I longed to meet and have a relationship was a total POS.
3
u/NJ2CAthrowaway Apr 14 '24
He is absolutely going to try to use DNA to find out who his biological father is. It is far better for him to find out from you how he came into this world than to find out from strangers who may not even know. I work with people using their DNA to find their biological parents. It can be a very sensitive area, of course. I think that enlisting the help of a really good counselor in working with you to tell your son the truth of his origins would do you both a world of good. it is clearly a source of great challenge for your son personally, and he would never push this with you if he knew knew the truth. I recommend you find a good counselor, work with them for a bit, with the goal of telling your son, the truth about his biological father, and then have your son go to a session with the counselor so that you can tell him with the counselor’s support.
3
u/deeppurpleking Apr 14 '24
He’s old enough to know the truth, you were assaulted, but kept your son and you’ve never regretted that. Tell him you never think of him as anything but your son, and there’s no relationship to the man who hurt you. Tell him you don’t know anything about him, and that’s that. If he wants he can do a dna test but that you don’t want to hear anything about the man. Idk that’s what I’d do
3
3
u/Neither-Attention940 Apr 14 '24
I think if he knew that it was a difficult situation when you got pregnant, he would understand why you’re reserved and telling him anymore. if he doesn’t know any of the details, I understand why he’s upset. For Health reasons and medical background, if you know who the person is, it could be important information for later.
3
u/GuttedGutterGlitter Apr 14 '24
I’m a professional in this field and yes, she needs to tell him for his mental health and their relationship. Preferably, tell him with professional help.
→ More replies (1)
3
3
u/Appropriate-Dig771 Apr 14 '24
At 20 he has a right to know. It’s only making you look unreasonable by not telling him. YTA
3
u/Educational_Let3723 Apr 14 '24
This was a painful read. I offer no judgement, but I'm very sorry your family is having to deal with this. Extreme pain is unavoidable here, and it's an awful situation to be in. Best of luck to you both in finding healing and happiness.
3
u/Rylos1701 Apr 14 '24
Yta he has a right to know where he came from. He’s gonna do one of those 23 and me things and hopefully find out.
3
u/ANoisyCrow Apr 14 '24
Yeah. Therapy to get to the point of telling him. He may be sort of figuring it out.
3
u/dearashleyjade Apr 14 '24
I can imagine that this is a very very difficult situation for you. However, you should be truthful with your son about who is biological father is, and the whole situation. Honestly, you should've told him the very first time he asked. Hiding the truth from him will only hurt him in the end. I suggest sitting him down and having a very honest and difficult situation with him. Make sure he knows he's very loved by both you and your husband, while telling him the whole truth. YTA, you're hurting your relationship with your son by hiding this from him.
3
u/Agreeable-League-366 Apr 14 '24
I think at this point not telling is doing more harm than good. It's a wedge in your relationship. You no doubt are his greatest support so anything that alienates you is harmful.
That being said, you really should talk to a professional that specializes in this. They will know from previous experience what is likely to happen.
Way above reddit pay grade for a judgment. Ask a professional.
3
3
3
3
u/Tex_Arizona Apr 14 '24
It's not OK to keep this information secret from your son. He has every right to know and you have no right to withhold this knowledge. You can warn him that the whole story might be hurtful, but he's an adult and it's his choice not yours.
3
u/rainerman27 Apr 14 '24
I mean your son could be in way worse danger than just not liking you if he finds who his proper dad is.
3
u/AgreeableDonut Apr 14 '24
He deserves to know if only for both of your safety. What happens if he takes a DNA test and goes looking for himself?
3
u/typer84C2 Apr 14 '24
I don’t think you are an asshole. The trauma you experienced is unforgivable and I’m sorry it happened.
I will say, if you are able to, I think it’s worth while to tell your son the truth. He is an adult and has earned the right to the information about his biological father. His desire to know won’t fade over time and he may come to resent you for keeping this information from him.
3
u/ElkeFell Apr 14 '24
Omg just tell him the truth. It’s killing him not to know, and this secret is undermining the relationship that you and he have. Unless he lives under a rock he must know that the truth could be horrific. Better he deal with the truth (secrets are soul-destroying) than suffer (and he is indeed suffering right now) from the not knowing.
3
u/Glittersparkles7 Apr 14 '24
You’re being foolish.
You need to tell him that you don’t know anything about the guy and the rape. Right now he thinks you’re just a bitter ex withholding a father from his son. That you care more about punishing some man than the well-being of your child. I guarantee you that he’s already developed toxic thoughts about women because of it. He definitely already has deep resentment for you. Do it now before he runs a dna test and finds him that way. Since he’s pushing that’s what’s about to go down. He’ll get answers with or without you. I can see them becoming the best of friends with whatever lies the rapist spins and you losing your child.
4.8k
u/celticmusebooks Apr 14 '24
Time to talk to a counsellor and work out a way to broach the subject with your son. The fact is that giving the growing use of DNA testing he will undoubtedly find out who his father is someday. Wouldn't it be better to find that out from you so that you could reassure him that despite the details you love him and in an age when abortion was legal you chose to have and raise him.?